Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019) s01e07 Episode Script
The Sound of Music
1 DUFFY: Previously on Four Weddings and a Funeral "You will always be the one that got away.
Love, Maya.
" Are you sure it's for you? She didn't write "Dear Duffy".
If you're available, I'd like to hire you.
The only décor I have is a dead plant and a stack of pizza boxes.
Do you still run the theater? I'm directing The Sound of Music this year.
Would you want to play Captain Von Trapp? I'm in.
Craig, I vow to love you more each day.
Every second with you is a gift.
Real talk, you're one of the sickest people I know.
I think I have feelings for Bash.
Do you wanna come back to my place? For sex, Garrett.
Of course I have feelings for you.
I have since the first time we met.
DUFFY: You're in love with Kash.
I found your letter.
It is not what you think.
Duffy! Duffy! [SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne Yes? No.
Oh, fuck! Oh, sorry.
Sorry, kids.
I'm okay.
Oh, my God.
I nearly stepped there.
That could've been me! Stop being so dramatic, Parul.
- KASH: [GRUNTS, EXHALES.]
- MRS.
ALI: [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Everyone, I think we're done for tonight.
Right.
I'm so sorry, Kashif.
This place is just falling down around us.
I can get someone to fix the stage.
No, no, you've done enough.
You've already paid for the costumes.
No.
This'll just have to be our final production.
No.
The theater can't close.
I'll start doing drugs.
I'll join a gang.
KASH: Okay, that's pretty dramatic, but she's right.
They can't close this place.
They'll just turn it into more flats that no one around here can afford.
[LAUGHING.]
I know, but you can't have a theater if you can't afford a stage.
I might have an idea.
Is it a bake sale? We'll barely recoup the costs of ingredients.
It's not a bake sale, Parul.
[WHISPERING.]
It was a bake sale.
I'll come up with something else.
SINGER: It fills a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love [MELLOW MUSIC.]
Thanks for meeting me.
I don't have long, so can you just say what you came to say? Okay, um, that letter you found you were right.
It was for Kash, but I was never going to send it.
- DUFFY: Mm.
- [GLASS THUNKS.]
Please.
Promise me you won't say anything.
Cool.
Yeah, so, it's not bad enough that you broke my heart.
I now have to keep secrets for you? But there's nothing to tell.
Nothing happened.
And I am never going to see him again.
Okay, fine.
Thank you, Duffy.
Oh, uh, I saw your story in The New Yorker came out.
It's it's really good.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
It's really good.
You know what, Maya? I don't think that you and I have anything to talk about anymore.
[GLASS THUNKS.]
Cheers.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I read the speech you wrote on increasing capital gains taxes.
- And? - Hmm, some excellent points, all of which are political suicide.
Try again.
MARCUS: Do you want me to have a whack at it? I just think I might have a better sense of his voice than you do.
Oh, is that why he doesn't let you tweet for him anymore? No, that's because I accidentally spelt "Parliament" wrong.
[HAND THUDS.]
Par-lia-ment.
[SOFTLY.]
Par-lia-ment.
MAYA: Well, my dream has always been to work for a progressive, diverse female candidate, but given my current situation, I'm open to anything.
But you are looking to stay in the political field? Political, non-profit just a job where I don't have to push an agenda that's directly opposed to everything I believe in.
Well, we are the premier recruiting agency for the public sector, so I'm sure we can find you something.
[DOOR CLATTERS.]
- [WHISPERING.]
I'll have to call you back.
- JODY: We get it.
60% of the calls we get are from people hiding in office bathrooms.
[SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
[FUNKY REMIX PLAYS.]
It's good, right? Would you give money to something like that? I would give everything, yeah, to make this right between you and me.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna lie, yeah? What I'm about to tell you could threaten the very foundation of our friendship.
Bruv, I know about you and Fatima.
It's all over your Snapchat.
I'm cool with it.
Bruv, you don't have to hide your true feelings with me, okay? How can I make this better? You know what? Hit me with your car.
If you really want to make things up to me Well, I ain't gonna sleep until I do, so go on.
We need someone to take a look at the tech system at the theater.
The lighting desk is a mess.
Are you sure you don't just wanna hit me with your car? I heard it's a much more cathartic process.
I'm just thinking of you, really, like - Bruv.
- Hm? Okay, fine, fine.
I'll do it for you.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Fatima? No, that is my mum.
Um, I better answer that.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, boo.
I've been thinking about you, you know? [LAUGHS.]
And Dad'll be thinking about that as well.
[SIGHS, MUTTERS.]
What am I doing? [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[COMPUTER BLIPS.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the kids of the Hounslow Community Theatre.
Take it away, guys.
[SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi.
Garrett, you're here.
Again [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
GARRETT: Maya, I was hoping to see you.
Did you know that you and the poet Maya Angelou you share the same first name? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Garrett's really good at figuring out which celebrities have the same name as you.
GARRETT: Yeah, right.
Try me, right? Anyone.
Uh, Ainsley.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's tough.
Hey, do you wanna go out tonight? Ugh, yes.
Work has been killing me.
I was praised on an Alt-right website last week.
Well, Tony 2's taking us dancing at a gay club.
You wanna come, Garrett? [LAUGHS.]
Right, yeah.
I can't go to gay bars.
It's impolite to give a boner that you can't reciprocate.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh.
Right.
Let's go shower.
What? We're in Europe.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Can you sign my test please? 100% in your Latin test? That's very good.
"Brad Pitt played Achilles in which film?" Troy.
"What is your name in pig Latin?" Iles-gi.
Well, what idiot teacher would put together a test like this? Oh, Duffy! My man! How's it going, brother? Hey, guys.
How was your honeymoon? Oh, man [LAUGHS.]
I don't know what you heard about Antarctica, but it is cold! A penguin bit my ass.
Duffy, this place is a mess.
If I wanted a drunk slob to house sit, I would've asked any one of my cousins or my uncles or my parents.
Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
You should fire your house cleaner because she said that I was bumming her out, and then she left.
Uh, is everything okay, Duff? I mean, this isn't, uh, Maya-related, is it? DUFFY: No, Craig.
I was emotionally destroyed by a different woman in the two weeks that you were gone.
Oh, no.
You really have the worst luck.
What? No.
It's Maya.
I'm still mad at Maya.
I get it, but I don't think she meant to hurt you, brother.
You don't know that.
Oh, there's a lot about her that you don't know.
- A lot.
- Like what? Nothing.
I, uh I'm late for school.
I'm sorry that I drank all your alcohol and I broke your computer with a virus from a porn.
CRAIG: What? KASH: The Hounslow Community Theatre led to my love of the arts and made me believe in my potential.
These kids deserve the same opportunity.
Please.
Give as much as you can.
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen Enough.
Julie Andrews will be rolling in her grave.
Julie Andrews is still alive.
No, you're thinking of Julie Christie.
I'm right.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Okay, boys, now Helen of Troy is described as "the face that launched a thousand ships".
What if you had a secret love letter written by Helen to Paris that you could give to Ainsley? Who's Ainsley? Uh, Menelaus.
And you know I meant Menelaus.
Do not be obtuse, Bernard.
But, Mr.
Duffy, in this thinly-veiled analogy to your own romantic failings, wouldn't showing Menelaus the letter just start the Trojan War sooner? Yeah, maybe, or maybe Helen deserves that.
Ah, forget it.
Just it's class is dismissed.
So please get out of here.
Go wherever you go.
Mummy? What are you doing here? I'm here to speak to Mr.
Duffy.
I'll see you later, darling.
- What the hell is this? - [SIGHS.]
Gemma.
It's an A+.
The kid's a nerd.
What do you want me to tell you? God, you're a state.
Yeah, I'm kind of going through some stuff right now.
Well, snap out of it.
These boys are counting on you.
How are they going to survive in the world without a thorough grasp of Latin? I'm trying my best, dude.
Well, dude, I don't pay a small fortune so that Giles can sit and listen to his teacher complain about how women hate him.
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
Well, maybe you could just transfer him.
I hear they have a fantastic Latin department at Saint I-Don't-Give-A-Shit! [SCOFFS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Gemma, wait.
I'm sorry about that.
[EXHALES.]
[ROBBIE NEVIL'S FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD.]
SINGER: It feels good to be bad, bad, bad SINGER: I wanna do whatever I wanna do 'Cause it feels good To be bad A little fun never hurt anyone Life's a party Oh, my God.
I needed a night out.
Two Appletinis please.
This isn't a movie.
This is a real gay bar.
Order a normal drink.
Three gin and slimline tonics, please.
So, what's going on with Garrett? He seems really sweet and uncomplicated like a golden retriever.
Okay, I know you think he's dumb, and he is [LAUGHS.]
But in his defense, he only eats one meal every two days.
And it's not like we're dating.
I barely even know him.
So you're, like, strangers with benefits.
- AINSLEY: Exactly.
- I like that.
Besides, after Kash, I didn't think I was gonna ever wanna be with anyone again, but I'm totally fine.
Yeah, well, you sounded fine three times this morning.
- Up top, Ains, whoo! - Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Andrew.
Oh, you need to stop thinking about your boss.
It's like [BABBLES.]
No, no.
He's here.
SINGER: Get a little bit nasty [LAUGHS.]
Hi, Andrew.
What a fun surprise.
Do you come to G-A-Y often? I like the subtlety of the name.
- Hello, I'm Andrew.
- AINSLEY: Hi.
Hi, I'm Ainsley.
Oh, I know you.
Ah, yes, it's me, Andrew Aldridge, the first openly gay MP in my party.
It's quite a story.
If we had time The year was 2002.
Nicole Kidman was about to win the Oscar by a nose.
- AINSLEY: [LAUGHS.]
- TONY 2: Well, that's just it.
It was 2002.
What have you done since then? I beg your pardon? Since coming out, you've completely forgotten about people like me.
I think you're mistaken.
My voting record is impeccable.
Yes, on issues like cutting inheritance tax for millionaires, and "keeping Britain British".
Uh, Maya, your friend doesn't know what he's talking about.
He's he's more Ainsley's friend.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
- You may have been brave once, but now you only help rich, old white people.
You're a gay dinosaur.
That's why everyone calls you LGBT-Rex.
ANDREW: That's enough.
I will not be spoken down to by a man in a mesh top.
Okay, well, I think we've all learned a lot here tonight at G-A-Y, and so Ainsley and I are gonna say B-Y-E.
Bye.
Aww oh.
Nice to meet you.
- You don't remember me, do you? - No.
Halloween two years ago.
I was Britney, Slave 4 U era.
You were Richard Gere, An Officer and a Gentleman.
You kept your socks on.
I thought we had a nice time.
But I guess it's too much to ask someone like you to remember someone like me.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ta-da! I went a lot over budget! Well, I think, uh I think this is all right.
[GASPS.]
All right? Do you know how hard it was to design a home for a gruff, monosyllabic oilman? No.
Very hard.
I want compliments.
Well, um, all right.
I'd say, um, yeah, I think this works.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, that is effusive for me.
Oh, come on.
You spent half an hour describing the nuance of Clint Eastwood's performance in The Outlaw Josey Wales.
People just give too many compliments.
Everyone's like, "That's amazeballs.
I'm #dead.
" I'll, uh, I'll tell somebody something's good when I when I mean it.
Hey, what's that? Is that Love Field? AINSLEY: Yes.
That is an artist rendering from the 1950s.
That's such a pretty name for an airport.
My father designed that building.
I know, dummy.
That's why I put it on your wall.
Ainsley Howard.
Now, this? This is good.
You're right.
That does feel better knowing you really mean it.
[LAUGHS.]
So what's next? That's it.
My work here is done.
Really? You finished? I am.
But it's been a real pleasure.
I'm gonna miss working with you.
The garden you can decorate the garden.
Well, I'm not really a landscaper.
Uh, well, I trust your eye.
Okay.
Well, it's your money.
I'm happy to spend it.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
ANDREW: Just look at this.
Why do I hire young people if they can't prevent things like this? You're supposed to keep me awoken.
Oh, do you mean woke? Do I? How dare that man say that I only help people like me.
How do you explain my support for the women's flower club or the children's library bus? Do I look like a woman or a child, Tony? Uh, it's Marcus my my name.
MAYA: Well, I can't speak for Tony, but maybe he's referring to your party's less than progressive stance on everything.
Oh, I just I just hate that people might think I'm the bad guy.
I'm not the bad guy.
I voted for Black History Week.
- Month.
- A whole month? Well [STAMMERS.]
That's wonderful.
Can I just say that I'm thrilled that you're concerned about this.
I would love to help you change your image.
What do you suggest? Maybe you could pair a suit with some fun sneakers.
Or maybe you could support a cause that people wouldn't expect from you, like an at-risk youth program or a women's shelter.
Oh, yes.
Good idea, Maya.
Compile a list.
Uh, what about a struggling community theater in Hounslow? What? No.
I-I just don't think that's a good idea.
Wait.
What is it? It's a bunch of poor, ethnically diverse kids doing Sound of Music.
Picture it, sir Muslims, Hindus, girls in headscarves, risking everything to sing.
Probably.
Think of the photo op.
Sounds perfect.
Yeah, or not.
I can I can come up with some other options.
She's just jealous that she didn't think of it first.
ANDREW: The decision is made.
These children are in need.
Well done, Marcus.
Mr.
Duffy, is it true that you told a parent if they disliked your teaching style, they could transfer their child to, "Saint I-Don't-Give-A-Shit's"? Headmaster Mould, I'm kinda going through some unprecedented relationship trauma.
Would you ever consider a paid sabbatical? No.
This academy stayed open during the Blitz.
A math teacher confronted a German paratrooper and beat him to death with a trigonometry book.
Oh, my God.
The point is, you're not getting time off just because some girl you've dated for a month has dumped you.
[SOFTLY.]
How did you know that? Because you told everyone.
Mr.
Duffy, you leave me no choice but to assign another teacher to monitor your classes until you find yourself.
Oh, yeah? Who? TABBY: Hello, Duffy.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Hi, Tabby.
Okay, the next cue is on page 32.
And lights out.
[PHONE BLIPPING.]
[KEYPAD CLACKING.]
Bruv, come on.
Oh! Oh, shit.
Sorry, bro.
- Go to the next cue.
Stop texting Fatima.
- [PHONE BLIPS.]
- [PHONE THUNKS.]
- There it is that anger and resentment that you keep saying doesn't exist.
Let it go, my brother.
Let it come outside your body.
I'm only angry because it's taken you an hour to get through five light cues.
You're probably right.
Let me get to here it comes.
Here it comes, yeah? Here we go.
Thank you.
- Okay, and then the lights come up on page 33.
- [PHONE BLIPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
She's funny.
KASH: Bash, turn on the lights! MAYA: If you could give us a tour and maybe tell us a little bit about what you guys do here, 'cause we - Maya? - Yeah, well, of course.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MRS.
ALI: Well, we lost our local authority funding a couple of years ago, and we haven't been able to raise enough money to do the repairs.
Oh, that's just heartbreaking.
Uh, you voted for that austerity bill, sir.
Well, this is exactly what I'm looking for.
I'd like to personally fund the renovations of this whole theater.
How does the "Andrew Aldridge Hounslow Community Theatre" sound? Are you serious? Or should it be the "Andrew Aldridge Ethnically Diverse Community Theatre for Low-lncome Urchins"? ANDREW: No, no.
Mine's better.
Give me a tour.
MRS.
ALI: [LAUGHING.]
Well, yes.
Let's start with the wings.
- Love the - MRS.
ALI: Please, watch your step.
Thanks so much for this.
After the way we left things at the wedding, I didn't think I'd see you again.
Trust me.
I had nothing to do with this.
This is literally the last place on Earth I wanna be.
Wait, so you're not here because of me? No, I'm here for work, and maybe some kind of cosmic punishment? Maya! Ooh, you looking good, girl.
Ooh.
I didn't mean that as a come on, by the way, because I'm taken now, so Sorry, mate.
I keep rubbing salt in your wounds, innit? Uh, Fatima and I broke up.
Turns out she's in love with this guy.
Huh? She in love with me? She told you that? Bruv, can we have a minute? Yes, you can.
Look, this whole thing with Fatima, I It's none of my business.
I-I don't care.
Do you two know each other? - No, not really.
- Yes, we have mutual friends.
Oh, that's lucky.
In that case, Maya can be my point person here, overseeing the renovations and handling any press interest.
Wait, no.
This is Marcus's project.
He should be the one to see it through.
Yep, but you already have a relationship here.
Plus, given the optics, you're a little more au courant.
Are you saying I'm too white? Uh, well, legally, I'm not allowed to say that, but yes, that's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
- Shall we? Yes, let's come through the auditorium, and I'll take you out to the I guess we're gonna be seeing a lot more of you 'round here, then.
Urbs antiqua fuit.
[ENUNCIATING.]
Urbs antiqua fuit.
That's what I said.
No, it isn't.
Your pronunciation's terrible.
[SPEAKING IN LATIN.]
I hate to side with Miss, but I do think lessons could be more rigorous.
I couldn't understand any of that.
[BELL RINGS.]
[CHAIRS SHUFFLING.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
DUFFY: Hey! Hey, you! Stop! You narc! You narc! Will you please stop shouting in a public square? This isn't Italy.
You grassed on me to the headmaster, and now he has Tabby spying on my ass! Well, she obviously isn't doing a very good job.
You still appear unhinged and unwashed.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I just lost my girlfriend, and you of all people should understand.
Are you taking the piss? [GRUNTS, YELPS.]
My husband died, you insensitive oaf! I have eggs my refrigerator that have lasted longer than your relationship.
I'm sorry.
Shit! I'm sorry! Yes.
I know it's not the same.
It's just it's just that Maya was GEMMA: Oh, shut up and get over it.
You're a hungover, 30-year-old man in stained trousers who doesn't like his life.
You can try to blame Maya or Tabby or me, but the real person you should be blaming is yourself.
I say this as a friend.
Get your shit together, you idiot! [RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S MARIA.]
SINGER: How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o'-the-wisp A clown Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her Many a thing she ought to understand But how do you make her stay And listen to all you say How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you hold A moonbeam In your Hand? ALL: How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o'-the-wisp A clown Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her Many a thing she ought to understand - But how do you make her stay - And listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? - - How do you hold A moonbeam In your hand? Tabby.
Hey, Tabby.
- Hi.
- What do you want, Duffy? I'm waiting for someone.
I just wanna say I'm so sorry about the way I handled things between us.
And you should know that I got what I deserved.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
Yeah, so, I guess we're both, um, members of the Lonely Hearts Club now, huh? What? Oh, no, I'm not single.
Actually, I'm dating another American guy.
He's a writer too.
Oh, awesome.
Anyone I would know? Probably not he writes mostly romance novels.
- [TIRES RUSTLING ON ROAD.]
- Oh, this is me.
Well, see you later, Duffy.
[CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
[CAR WHIRRS.]
You know, you really don't have to do that.
Yeah, I know, but I felt kinda guilty watching Mrs.
Ali do it, especially when she kept saying, "Ow, my arthritis.
" - [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- Well, I'm sorry you got stuck helping us.
I'm not.
Contrary to what Andrew thinks, I didn't get into politics to help him decide which tie makes him look less racist.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
So, why did you get into it? Uh, to help people? Really? Are you a do-gooder? Well, have you thought about doing something else? Yeah, I've thought about it called a headhunter and everything, but since Andrew seems to have found a heart, I'm actually enjoying the job.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Me too.
[LIGHT CRASHES.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
- BASHEER: Sorry about that! - Come on, bruv! [DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- [DOOR CLATTERS.]
Oh.
What are you doing here? You finally thought of a decent comeback? Only took you a month.
Uh, no.
I'd like to apologize.
For what? Brexit? Austerity? Fracking? That waistcoat? Oh, no.
I'd never apologize for this waistcoat.
I've had it since university, and I never had to let it out.
No, I'm sorry I didn't remember you.
[SIGHS.]
Um, I'm not accustomed to, uh, dating.
In my line of work, a personal life is a liability, especially if you're like us.
So, I'd like to move on.
There's a production of The Sound of Music this Saturday Stop.
You don't really want to date me.
You just want to make yourself feel better.
Well, I'd rather you left me out of it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I I won't bother you again.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
TONY 2: [EXHALES.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
BASHEER: Kashif! Kashif, I know you're in 'cause I heard the toilet flush.
KASH: What [SIGHS.]
Bruv, I got some bad news.
Go there.
It's real bad.
You lost all of the lighting cues I gave you? Okay, now I have two pieces of bad news for you.
Listen, man.
Me and Fatima are getting serious.
Oh, God, not this again.
Bro, we had the families meet up last night, and let me tell you this.
It could not have gone better.
I know you must be gutted to hear that.
I'm very sorry.
Bash, how many times do I have to tell you I'm happy for you two? Are you serious? You got no lingering emotions? No feelings of utter emascula For the love of God, no.
I like Maya.
I could see that, yeah.
Oh, hold on a minute.
Ain't she your ex-fiancée's Yeah.
Exactly.
Shit.
Sit down.
Sit down.
You know what, my brother? Listen to me.
Don't stress about it.
Listen, if it's meant to be, you two will find your way to each other.
- I hope you're right, man.
- BASHEER: Yeah.
And listen, man, I I'm so glad that you're over Fatima, you know? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
'Cause here's the thing our chaperone cancelled tonight.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
You know, um, Basheer, it's it's very reassuring for a woman to know that her man can escape a room in under half an hour.
- It's very important.
- Yeah.
I also know exactly what to do in a Purge situation.
- Okay.
- Go hiding.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- Funny.
- Yeah, hilarious.
Mm.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[REMOTE CLICKING.]
Hey, your honeymoon photos are just outtakes from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Were you at a nudist colony? No, this was just Heathrow before we left.
Hang on.
I'm sure I took some decent ones.
Oh, cool, Craig's butt.
It's like we're roommates again.
Oh, look at you.
What's up with the blazer? Is it your confirmation? What? No.
You know, can't a guy update his look? No.
I'm the sharp dresser in the group.
Stay in your lane, playboy.
Well, I like it.
Mm.
So, how's our friend Andrew doing? He's good.
You certainly made an impression.
- [SARCASTIC LAUGH.]
Doubt it.
- MAYA: No, you did.
He's now sponsoring the renovation of a community theater in Hounslow because of what you said to him.
What? You sure it's not just a front so he can force immigrant children to polish his silver? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
No, it's real.
They're doing Sound of Music.
You know, Andrew must really value your opinion, 'cause he pays me for mine, and still does not listen to it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No more talk about Andrew.
I hate him.
He makes you work, like, 90 hours a week.
I never see her anymore.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
It's just been so busy.
Okay, well, last night, I had to eat dinner alone like a sad friend widow.
I had to smell your sweater yesterday to remember you.
- I'm so lame.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
Mm.
[CART CLICKS.]
- Oh, hi, Duffy.
- Yeah.
I'm not stealing this.
I-I left it here a couple weeks ago and Ainsley never drank it, so I just It's really nice to see you.
You too.
Hey, I-I know I put you in an awkward No, no.
It's-it's fine.
I'm over it.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
I really am over it.
ZARA: Ah, ooh, here's one at brunch, right before we had sex in the omelet line.
- Oh, boy.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- MAYA: Oh, boy.
- It's gonna be bad.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
BRYCE: Huh.
Well, this is interesting.
Turns out Kew Gardens has the oldest pot plant in the world.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- Now that is a neat fact.
[LAUGHS.]
- What? - Nothing, no.
You just always get so excited about little facts.
You remind me of my seventh grade history teacher.
- Hmm, don't love that.
- Oh, no, no.
He was cute.
All the girls had a crush on him.
Anyway, let's talk about your backyard.
Sure.
Um, is there anything you're seeing that you like, or Honestly, I I hardly know one flower from another.
Same goes for wine.
Oh, I I don't know anything about wine either.
I mean, I pretend I do so that I seem fancy, but - Naturally.
- Honestly, my favorite is still the house red from the Cracker Barrel.
- Oh, hell no.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Shit, yeah.
- You're a Texas girl.
- Yeah.
I had my first kiss in a Cracker Barrel.
Oh, let me tell you about a Texas first kiss.
- Come on now.
- Okay.
Mine was in the back of a pickup truck after a football game.
- Classic.
- I got chiggers.
- BOTH: [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, you would.
When I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm back home.
I feel like I'm home too.
[TENDER PIANO MUSIC.]
Been wanting to do that for a long time.
I'm sorry.
I'm seeing someone, and I just can't.
[MOUTHING.]
I'm sorry.
- [DOOR CLICKS.]
- Ah, there you are.
Um, how far along are we on that Hounslow theater project? Uh, the opening night's this weekend, remember? You're the guest of honor.
I just ordered a hundred cupcakes with your face on them.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
What is going on? Uh, the party whip reacted negatively to Andrew bankrolling a theater in Hounslow.
Of course he did.
Why? Because it's an immigrant neighborhood full of brown people? Uh, no, because it's one of the opposition's constituencies.
God, you're racist for even saying that.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God.
Whatever the reason, this isn't worth jeopardizing my position in the party.
- Moving on.
- No, not moving on.
You can't pull out right now, okay? If you're not there on Saturday, no one will show.
- No one will donate.
- Why do you care so much? You didn't want to do this in the first place.
Well, because Ka everyone there has worked really hard, and what am I gonna tell the kids? Oh, tell them I've been taken ill.
That's what my father did for all my birthdays.
I'm sorry, but politics forces us to make difficult decisions.
- I've made up my mind.
- But you can't do this.
Ah, I said I've made up my mind.
If you don't agree, you can find work elsewhere.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[GASPS.]
Shit.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
BRYCE: I can hear you saying "shit".
Bryce.
Hi.
Uh, look, I'm sorry about yesterday.
I didn't know you were seeing somebody.
But I don't regret it.
I like you, and I'd be mad at myself if I if I let you walk away without telling you how I feel.
Well, I'm sorry too for giving you the wrong impression.
I am dating someone, and it's serious.
Totally understand.
No hard feelings.
So I guess you should find somebody else to finish your garden.
I never cared about the garden, Ainsley.
Oh, don't bother to knock.
A closed door is but a suggestion.
Listen, if you want to fire me, you can fire me - You're fired.
- But let me talk first.
You made a promise to those kids.
You can't do this.
Do you think this makes me feel good? I saw that cute little Sikh boy who played Kurt.
He kept pushing up his little glasses.
- So help him.
- There is more at stake.
I have my seat to think of.
What is the point of having a seat if you don't use it to help people? Don't lecture me.
I've been in office since before you were born.
The problem with your generation is you don't know what a hard choice looks like.
[SCOFFS.]
First of all, my generation is drowning in your generation's debt, and we're all gonna die of climate change.
Second of all, "It is incumbent on us as public servants to give voice to the voiceless.
" Oh, and who said that? Oprah? Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie? Whoa, you know how to pronounce that? And no, it's not her anyway.
[SIGHS.]
It is incumbent on us as public servants to give voice to the voiceless, and to remember that we govern and act - on behalf of the people.
- [MEN AGREEING.]
We must elevate those who cannot rise on their own.
I promise to carry out my duties, to serve, and to represent each and every one of them.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, I can't disagree with that handsome bastard.
[SIGHS.]
Are we all ready, little Von Trapplets? And, ooh, there we are.
Now, smile for the cameras, especially the nuns.
Well, I just think well, I think it's gonna be absolutely marvelous.
I think your children are absolutely terrific.
It's going to be um, would you, uh, just excuse me? Just for a moment? You came.
I'm sorry.
I was a basic bitch, but well, you forgot me so easily, and and it hurt, 'cause I didn't forget you.
Yes, I suppose you were somewhat of a basic bitch, but, um, perhaps I deserved it.
So you never really date? How can that be true? Well, I became an MP 30 years ago.
Back then, we didn't have what we have now marriage, adoption.
Sam Smith would've been forced to marry Adele.
[LAUGHS.]
But think of the wonderful Christmas album - they would have made.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm glad you came tonight, Tony, because you're someone worth remembering.
Uh, shall we, um [SOMETHING GOOD PLAYING ON PIANO.]
So somewhere in my youth Or childhood I must have done Something good BOTH: Nothing comes from nothing Nothing ever could MARIA: So somewhere in my youth BOTH: I must have done Something Good [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Oh, excuse me.
Hey, that was the greatest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Chicago 78 times.
And what did Andrew think? He said that we did something really important tonight.
We? You tried to kill this yesterday.
Yes.
And it's a testament to the strength of our idea that it succeeded nonetheless [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- BASHEER: Oh, here he is! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Well, you didn't suck.
- Thanks, bro.
- Wonderful job, beta.
- Thanks, Dad.
It good to have hobbies like me and my checkers club.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
[KEYPAD CLACKING.]
[PHONE BLIPS.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [KEYPAD CLACKING.]
[PHONE BLIPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Take care.
Good to see you.
Bye.
Hi.
I'm gonna head off.
But I just I just wanted to say you were really good.
Thank you.
Uh, before you go, can I show you something? - MAYA: What? - KASH: Look.
Oh, cool.
I did it when I was 10.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
I basically lived here when I was a kid.
Oh, that's nice.
Thank you for everything.
Oh, I didn't do anything.
KASH: Yes, you did.
You gave me the courage to act again, even if it is only community theater.
I'm happy, and it's all because of you.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
SINGER: I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking till the sun goes down I believe in a thing called love Love, ooh Ooh ooh I want to kiss you every minute Every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everything will be okay Touching you Touching me Touching you God, you're touching me I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we can make it now MAN: Go to bed.
Love, Maya.
" Are you sure it's for you? She didn't write "Dear Duffy".
If you're available, I'd like to hire you.
The only décor I have is a dead plant and a stack of pizza boxes.
Do you still run the theater? I'm directing The Sound of Music this year.
Would you want to play Captain Von Trapp? I'm in.
Craig, I vow to love you more each day.
Every second with you is a gift.
Real talk, you're one of the sickest people I know.
I think I have feelings for Bash.
Do you wanna come back to my place? For sex, Garrett.
Of course I have feelings for you.
I have since the first time we met.
DUFFY: You're in love with Kash.
I found your letter.
It is not what you think.
Duffy! Duffy! [SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne Yes? No.
Oh, fuck! Oh, sorry.
Sorry, kids.
I'm okay.
Oh, my God.
I nearly stepped there.
That could've been me! Stop being so dramatic, Parul.
- KASH: [GRUNTS, EXHALES.]
- MRS.
ALI: [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Everyone, I think we're done for tonight.
Right.
I'm so sorry, Kashif.
This place is just falling down around us.
I can get someone to fix the stage.
No, no, you've done enough.
You've already paid for the costumes.
No.
This'll just have to be our final production.
No.
The theater can't close.
I'll start doing drugs.
I'll join a gang.
KASH: Okay, that's pretty dramatic, but she's right.
They can't close this place.
They'll just turn it into more flats that no one around here can afford.
[LAUGHING.]
I know, but you can't have a theater if you can't afford a stage.
I might have an idea.
Is it a bake sale? We'll barely recoup the costs of ingredients.
It's not a bake sale, Parul.
[WHISPERING.]
It was a bake sale.
I'll come up with something else.
SINGER: It fills a sweet little place in my heart Like a sweet little rain takes care of the flowers And that's love Your kind of love [MELLOW MUSIC.]
Thanks for meeting me.
I don't have long, so can you just say what you came to say? Okay, um, that letter you found you were right.
It was for Kash, but I was never going to send it.
- DUFFY: Mm.
- [GLASS THUNKS.]
Please.
Promise me you won't say anything.
Cool.
Yeah, so, it's not bad enough that you broke my heart.
I now have to keep secrets for you? But there's nothing to tell.
Nothing happened.
And I am never going to see him again.
Okay, fine.
Thank you, Duffy.
Oh, uh, I saw your story in The New Yorker came out.
It's it's really good.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
It's really good.
You know what, Maya? I don't think that you and I have anything to talk about anymore.
[GLASS THUNKS.]
Cheers.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I read the speech you wrote on increasing capital gains taxes.
- And? - Hmm, some excellent points, all of which are political suicide.
Try again.
MARCUS: Do you want me to have a whack at it? I just think I might have a better sense of his voice than you do.
Oh, is that why he doesn't let you tweet for him anymore? No, that's because I accidentally spelt "Parliament" wrong.
[HAND THUDS.]
Par-lia-ment.
[SOFTLY.]
Par-lia-ment.
MAYA: Well, my dream has always been to work for a progressive, diverse female candidate, but given my current situation, I'm open to anything.
But you are looking to stay in the political field? Political, non-profit just a job where I don't have to push an agenda that's directly opposed to everything I believe in.
Well, we are the premier recruiting agency for the public sector, so I'm sure we can find you something.
[DOOR CLATTERS.]
- [WHISPERING.]
I'll have to call you back.
- JODY: We get it.
60% of the calls we get are from people hiding in office bathrooms.
[SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
[FUNKY REMIX PLAYS.]
It's good, right? Would you give money to something like that? I would give everything, yeah, to make this right between you and me.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna lie, yeah? What I'm about to tell you could threaten the very foundation of our friendship.
Bruv, I know about you and Fatima.
It's all over your Snapchat.
I'm cool with it.
Bruv, you don't have to hide your true feelings with me, okay? How can I make this better? You know what? Hit me with your car.
If you really want to make things up to me Well, I ain't gonna sleep until I do, so go on.
We need someone to take a look at the tech system at the theater.
The lighting desk is a mess.
Are you sure you don't just wanna hit me with your car? I heard it's a much more cathartic process.
I'm just thinking of you, really, like - Bruv.
- Hm? Okay, fine, fine.
I'll do it for you.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
Fatima? No, that is my mum.
Um, I better answer that.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, boo.
I've been thinking about you, you know? [LAUGHS.]
And Dad'll be thinking about that as well.
[SIGHS, MUTTERS.]
What am I doing? [SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[COMPUTER BLIPS.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the kids of the Hounslow Community Theatre.
Take it away, guys.
[SO LONG, FAREWELL PLAYING ON PIANO.]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hi.
Garrett, you're here.
Again [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
GARRETT: Maya, I was hoping to see you.
Did you know that you and the poet Maya Angelou you share the same first name? Yes.
Yes, I did.
Garrett's really good at figuring out which celebrities have the same name as you.
GARRETT: Yeah, right.
Try me, right? Anyone.
Uh, Ainsley.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's tough.
Hey, do you wanna go out tonight? Ugh, yes.
Work has been killing me.
I was praised on an Alt-right website last week.
Well, Tony 2's taking us dancing at a gay club.
You wanna come, Garrett? [LAUGHS.]
Right, yeah.
I can't go to gay bars.
It's impolite to give a boner that you can't reciprocate.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh.
Right.
Let's go shower.
What? We're in Europe.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Can you sign my test please? 100% in your Latin test? That's very good.
"Brad Pitt played Achilles in which film?" Troy.
"What is your name in pig Latin?" Iles-gi.
Well, what idiot teacher would put together a test like this? Oh, Duffy! My man! How's it going, brother? Hey, guys.
How was your honeymoon? Oh, man [LAUGHS.]
I don't know what you heard about Antarctica, but it is cold! A penguin bit my ass.
Duffy, this place is a mess.
If I wanted a drunk slob to house sit, I would've asked any one of my cousins or my uncles or my parents.
Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
You should fire your house cleaner because she said that I was bumming her out, and then she left.
Uh, is everything okay, Duff? I mean, this isn't, uh, Maya-related, is it? DUFFY: No, Craig.
I was emotionally destroyed by a different woman in the two weeks that you were gone.
Oh, no.
You really have the worst luck.
What? No.
It's Maya.
I'm still mad at Maya.
I get it, but I don't think she meant to hurt you, brother.
You don't know that.
Oh, there's a lot about her that you don't know.
- A lot.
- Like what? Nothing.
I, uh I'm late for school.
I'm sorry that I drank all your alcohol and I broke your computer with a virus from a porn.
CRAIG: What? KASH: The Hounslow Community Theatre led to my love of the arts and made me believe in my potential.
These kids deserve the same opportunity.
Please.
Give as much as you can.
KIDS: So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen Enough.
Julie Andrews will be rolling in her grave.
Julie Andrews is still alive.
No, you're thinking of Julie Christie.
I'm right.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
Okay, boys, now Helen of Troy is described as "the face that launched a thousand ships".
What if you had a secret love letter written by Helen to Paris that you could give to Ainsley? Who's Ainsley? Uh, Menelaus.
And you know I meant Menelaus.
Do not be obtuse, Bernard.
But, Mr.
Duffy, in this thinly-veiled analogy to your own romantic failings, wouldn't showing Menelaus the letter just start the Trojan War sooner? Yeah, maybe, or maybe Helen deserves that.
Ah, forget it.
Just it's class is dismissed.
So please get out of here.
Go wherever you go.
Mummy? What are you doing here? I'm here to speak to Mr.
Duffy.
I'll see you later, darling.
- What the hell is this? - [SIGHS.]
Gemma.
It's an A+.
The kid's a nerd.
What do you want me to tell you? God, you're a state.
Yeah, I'm kind of going through some stuff right now.
Well, snap out of it.
These boys are counting on you.
How are they going to survive in the world without a thorough grasp of Latin? I'm trying my best, dude.
Well, dude, I don't pay a small fortune so that Giles can sit and listen to his teacher complain about how women hate him.
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
Well, maybe you could just transfer him.
I hear they have a fantastic Latin department at Saint I-Don't-Give-A-Shit! [SCOFFS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Gemma, wait.
I'm sorry about that.
[EXHALES.]
[ROBBIE NEVIL'S FEELS GOOD TO BE BAD.]
SINGER: It feels good to be bad, bad, bad SINGER: I wanna do whatever I wanna do 'Cause it feels good To be bad A little fun never hurt anyone Life's a party Oh, my God.
I needed a night out.
Two Appletinis please.
This isn't a movie.
This is a real gay bar.
Order a normal drink.
Three gin and slimline tonics, please.
So, what's going on with Garrett? He seems really sweet and uncomplicated like a golden retriever.
Okay, I know you think he's dumb, and he is [LAUGHS.]
But in his defense, he only eats one meal every two days.
And it's not like we're dating.
I barely even know him.
So you're, like, strangers with benefits.
- AINSLEY: Exactly.
- I like that.
Besides, after Kash, I didn't think I was gonna ever wanna be with anyone again, but I'm totally fine.
Yeah, well, you sounded fine three times this morning.
- Up top, Ains, whoo! - Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Andrew.
Oh, you need to stop thinking about your boss.
It's like [BABBLES.]
No, no.
He's here.
SINGER: Get a little bit nasty [LAUGHS.]
Hi, Andrew.
What a fun surprise.
Do you come to G-A-Y often? I like the subtlety of the name.
- Hello, I'm Andrew.
- AINSLEY: Hi.
Hi, I'm Ainsley.
Oh, I know you.
Ah, yes, it's me, Andrew Aldridge, the first openly gay MP in my party.
It's quite a story.
If we had time The year was 2002.
Nicole Kidman was about to win the Oscar by a nose.
- AINSLEY: [LAUGHS.]
- TONY 2: Well, that's just it.
It was 2002.
What have you done since then? I beg your pardon? Since coming out, you've completely forgotten about people like me.
I think you're mistaken.
My voting record is impeccable.
Yes, on issues like cutting inheritance tax for millionaires, and "keeping Britain British".
Uh, Maya, your friend doesn't know what he's talking about.
He's he's more Ainsley's friend.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
- You may have been brave once, but now you only help rich, old white people.
You're a gay dinosaur.
That's why everyone calls you LGBT-Rex.
ANDREW: That's enough.
I will not be spoken down to by a man in a mesh top.
Okay, well, I think we've all learned a lot here tonight at G-A-Y, and so Ainsley and I are gonna say B-Y-E.
Bye.
Aww oh.
Nice to meet you.
- You don't remember me, do you? - No.
Halloween two years ago.
I was Britney, Slave 4 U era.
You were Richard Gere, An Officer and a Gentleman.
You kept your socks on.
I thought we had a nice time.
But I guess it's too much to ask someone like you to remember someone like me.
[MELLOW GUITAR MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ta-da! I went a lot over budget! Well, I think, uh I think this is all right.
[GASPS.]
All right? Do you know how hard it was to design a home for a gruff, monosyllabic oilman? No.
Very hard.
I want compliments.
Well, um, all right.
I'd say, um, yeah, I think this works.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, that is effusive for me.
Oh, come on.
You spent half an hour describing the nuance of Clint Eastwood's performance in The Outlaw Josey Wales.
People just give too many compliments.
Everyone's like, "That's amazeballs.
I'm #dead.
" I'll, uh, I'll tell somebody something's good when I when I mean it.
Hey, what's that? Is that Love Field? AINSLEY: Yes.
That is an artist rendering from the 1950s.
That's such a pretty name for an airport.
My father designed that building.
I know, dummy.
That's why I put it on your wall.
Ainsley Howard.
Now, this? This is good.
You're right.
That does feel better knowing you really mean it.
[LAUGHS.]
So what's next? That's it.
My work here is done.
Really? You finished? I am.
But it's been a real pleasure.
I'm gonna miss working with you.
The garden you can decorate the garden.
Well, I'm not really a landscaper.
Uh, well, I trust your eye.
Okay.
Well, it's your money.
I'm happy to spend it.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
ANDREW: Just look at this.
Why do I hire young people if they can't prevent things like this? You're supposed to keep me awoken.
Oh, do you mean woke? Do I? How dare that man say that I only help people like me.
How do you explain my support for the women's flower club or the children's library bus? Do I look like a woman or a child, Tony? Uh, it's Marcus my my name.
MAYA: Well, I can't speak for Tony, but maybe he's referring to your party's less than progressive stance on everything.
Oh, I just I just hate that people might think I'm the bad guy.
I'm not the bad guy.
I voted for Black History Week.
- Month.
- A whole month? Well [STAMMERS.]
That's wonderful.
Can I just say that I'm thrilled that you're concerned about this.
I would love to help you change your image.
What do you suggest? Maybe you could pair a suit with some fun sneakers.
Or maybe you could support a cause that people wouldn't expect from you, like an at-risk youth program or a women's shelter.
Oh, yes.
Good idea, Maya.
Compile a list.
Uh, what about a struggling community theater in Hounslow? What? No.
I-I just don't think that's a good idea.
Wait.
What is it? It's a bunch of poor, ethnically diverse kids doing Sound of Music.
Picture it, sir Muslims, Hindus, girls in headscarves, risking everything to sing.
Probably.
Think of the photo op.
Sounds perfect.
Yeah, or not.
I can I can come up with some other options.
She's just jealous that she didn't think of it first.
ANDREW: The decision is made.
These children are in need.
Well done, Marcus.
Mr.
Duffy, is it true that you told a parent if they disliked your teaching style, they could transfer their child to, "Saint I-Don't-Give-A-Shit's"? Headmaster Mould, I'm kinda going through some unprecedented relationship trauma.
Would you ever consider a paid sabbatical? No.
This academy stayed open during the Blitz.
A math teacher confronted a German paratrooper and beat him to death with a trigonometry book.
Oh, my God.
The point is, you're not getting time off just because some girl you've dated for a month has dumped you.
[SOFTLY.]
How did you know that? Because you told everyone.
Mr.
Duffy, you leave me no choice but to assign another teacher to monitor your classes until you find yourself.
Oh, yeah? Who? TABBY: Hello, Duffy.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Hi, Tabby.
Okay, the next cue is on page 32.
And lights out.
[PHONE BLIPPING.]
[KEYPAD CLACKING.]
Bruv, come on.
Oh! Oh, shit.
Sorry, bro.
- Go to the next cue.
Stop texting Fatima.
- [PHONE BLIPS.]
- [PHONE THUNKS.]
- There it is that anger and resentment that you keep saying doesn't exist.
Let it go, my brother.
Let it come outside your body.
I'm only angry because it's taken you an hour to get through five light cues.
You're probably right.
Let me get to here it comes.
Here it comes, yeah? Here we go.
Thank you.
- Okay, and then the lights come up on page 33.
- [PHONE BLIPS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
She's funny.
KASH: Bash, turn on the lights! MAYA: If you could give us a tour and maybe tell us a little bit about what you guys do here, 'cause we - Maya? - Yeah, well, of course.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
MRS.
ALI: Well, we lost our local authority funding a couple of years ago, and we haven't been able to raise enough money to do the repairs.
Oh, that's just heartbreaking.
Uh, you voted for that austerity bill, sir.
Well, this is exactly what I'm looking for.
I'd like to personally fund the renovations of this whole theater.
How does the "Andrew Aldridge Hounslow Community Theatre" sound? Are you serious? Or should it be the "Andrew Aldridge Ethnically Diverse Community Theatre for Low-lncome Urchins"? ANDREW: No, no.
Mine's better.
Give me a tour.
MRS.
ALI: [LAUGHING.]
Well, yes.
Let's start with the wings.
- Love the - MRS.
ALI: Please, watch your step.
Thanks so much for this.
After the way we left things at the wedding, I didn't think I'd see you again.
Trust me.
I had nothing to do with this.
This is literally the last place on Earth I wanna be.
Wait, so you're not here because of me? No, I'm here for work, and maybe some kind of cosmic punishment? Maya! Ooh, you looking good, girl.
Ooh.
I didn't mean that as a come on, by the way, because I'm taken now, so Sorry, mate.
I keep rubbing salt in your wounds, innit? Uh, Fatima and I broke up.
Turns out she's in love with this guy.
Huh? She in love with me? She told you that? Bruv, can we have a minute? Yes, you can.
Look, this whole thing with Fatima, I It's none of my business.
I-I don't care.
Do you two know each other? - No, not really.
- Yes, we have mutual friends.
Oh, that's lucky.
In that case, Maya can be my point person here, overseeing the renovations and handling any press interest.
Wait, no.
This is Marcus's project.
He should be the one to see it through.
Yep, but you already have a relationship here.
Plus, given the optics, you're a little more au courant.
Are you saying I'm too white? Uh, well, legally, I'm not allowed to say that, but yes, that's all I'm saying.
- Yeah.
- Shall we? Yes, let's come through the auditorium, and I'll take you out to the I guess we're gonna be seeing a lot more of you 'round here, then.
Urbs antiqua fuit.
[ENUNCIATING.]
Urbs antiqua fuit.
That's what I said.
No, it isn't.
Your pronunciation's terrible.
[SPEAKING IN LATIN.]
I hate to side with Miss, but I do think lessons could be more rigorous.
I couldn't understand any of that.
[BELL RINGS.]
[CHAIRS SHUFFLING.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
DUFFY: Hey! Hey, you! Stop! You narc! You narc! Will you please stop shouting in a public square? This isn't Italy.
You grassed on me to the headmaster, and now he has Tabby spying on my ass! Well, she obviously isn't doing a very good job.
You still appear unhinged and unwashed.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I just lost my girlfriend, and you of all people should understand.
Are you taking the piss? [GRUNTS, YELPS.]
My husband died, you insensitive oaf! I have eggs my refrigerator that have lasted longer than your relationship.
I'm sorry.
Shit! I'm sorry! Yes.
I know it's not the same.
It's just it's just that Maya was GEMMA: Oh, shut up and get over it.
You're a hungover, 30-year-old man in stained trousers who doesn't like his life.
You can try to blame Maya or Tabby or me, but the real person you should be blaming is yourself.
I say this as a friend.
Get your shit together, you idiot! [RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S MARIA.]
SINGER: How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o'-the-wisp A clown Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her Many a thing she ought to understand But how do you make her stay And listen to all you say How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you hold A moonbeam In your Hand? ALL: How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertigibbet, a will-o'-the-wisp A clown Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her Many a thing she ought to understand - But how do you make her stay - And listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? - - How do you hold A moonbeam In your hand? Tabby.
Hey, Tabby.
- Hi.
- What do you want, Duffy? I'm waiting for someone.
I just wanna say I'm so sorry about the way I handled things between us.
And you should know that I got what I deserved.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
Yeah, so, I guess we're both, um, members of the Lonely Hearts Club now, huh? What? Oh, no, I'm not single.
Actually, I'm dating another American guy.
He's a writer too.
Oh, awesome.
Anyone I would know? Probably not he writes mostly romance novels.
- [TIRES RUSTLING ON ROAD.]
- Oh, this is me.
Well, see you later, Duffy.
[CAR DOOR SLAMS.]
[CAR WHIRRS.]
You know, you really don't have to do that.
Yeah, I know, but I felt kinda guilty watching Mrs.
Ali do it, especially when she kept saying, "Ow, my arthritis.
" - [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- Well, I'm sorry you got stuck helping us.
I'm not.
Contrary to what Andrew thinks, I didn't get into politics to help him decide which tie makes him look less racist.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
So, why did you get into it? Uh, to help people? Really? Are you a do-gooder? Well, have you thought about doing something else? Yeah, I've thought about it called a headhunter and everything, but since Andrew seems to have found a heart, I'm actually enjoying the job.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Me too.
[LIGHT CRASHES.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
- BASHEER: Sorry about that! - Come on, bruv! [DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
- [SNIFFS.]
- [DOOR CLATTERS.]
Oh.
What are you doing here? You finally thought of a decent comeback? Only took you a month.
Uh, no.
I'd like to apologize.
For what? Brexit? Austerity? Fracking? That waistcoat? Oh, no.
I'd never apologize for this waistcoat.
I've had it since university, and I never had to let it out.
No, I'm sorry I didn't remember you.
[SIGHS.]
Um, I'm not accustomed to, uh, dating.
In my line of work, a personal life is a liability, especially if you're like us.
So, I'd like to move on.
There's a production of The Sound of Music this Saturday Stop.
You don't really want to date me.
You just want to make yourself feel better.
Well, I'd rather you left me out of it.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry.
I I won't bother you again.
[DOOR BELL JINGLES.]
TONY 2: [EXHALES.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
BASHEER: Kashif! Kashif, I know you're in 'cause I heard the toilet flush.
KASH: What [SIGHS.]
Bruv, I got some bad news.
Go there.
It's real bad.
You lost all of the lighting cues I gave you? Okay, now I have two pieces of bad news for you.
Listen, man.
Me and Fatima are getting serious.
Oh, God, not this again.
Bro, we had the families meet up last night, and let me tell you this.
It could not have gone better.
I know you must be gutted to hear that.
I'm very sorry.
Bash, how many times do I have to tell you I'm happy for you two? Are you serious? You got no lingering emotions? No feelings of utter emascula For the love of God, no.
I like Maya.
I could see that, yeah.
Oh, hold on a minute.
Ain't she your ex-fiancée's Yeah.
Exactly.
Shit.
Sit down.
Sit down.
You know what, my brother? Listen to me.
Don't stress about it.
Listen, if it's meant to be, you two will find your way to each other.
- I hope you're right, man.
- BASHEER: Yeah.
And listen, man, I I'm so glad that you're over Fatima, you know? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
'Cause here's the thing our chaperone cancelled tonight.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC.]
You know, um, Basheer, it's it's very reassuring for a woman to know that her man can escape a room in under half an hour.
- It's very important.
- Yeah.
I also know exactly what to do in a Purge situation.
- Okay.
- Go hiding.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- Funny.
- Yeah, hilarious.
Mm.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[REMOTE CLICKING.]
Hey, your honeymoon photos are just outtakes from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Were you at a nudist colony? No, this was just Heathrow before we left.
Hang on.
I'm sure I took some decent ones.
Oh, cool, Craig's butt.
It's like we're roommates again.
Oh, look at you.
What's up with the blazer? Is it your confirmation? What? No.
You know, can't a guy update his look? No.
I'm the sharp dresser in the group.
Stay in your lane, playboy.
Well, I like it.
Mm.
So, how's our friend Andrew doing? He's good.
You certainly made an impression.
- [SARCASTIC LAUGH.]
Doubt it.
- MAYA: No, you did.
He's now sponsoring the renovation of a community theater in Hounslow because of what you said to him.
What? You sure it's not just a front so he can force immigrant children to polish his silver? [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
No, it's real.
They're doing Sound of Music.
You know, Andrew must really value your opinion, 'cause he pays me for mine, and still does not listen to it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No more talk about Andrew.
I hate him.
He makes you work, like, 90 hours a week.
I never see her anymore.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
It's just been so busy.
Okay, well, last night, I had to eat dinner alone like a sad friend widow.
I had to smell your sweater yesterday to remember you.
- I'm so lame.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
Mm.
[CART CLICKS.]
- Oh, hi, Duffy.
- Yeah.
I'm not stealing this.
I-I left it here a couple weeks ago and Ainsley never drank it, so I just It's really nice to see you.
You too.
Hey, I-I know I put you in an awkward No, no.
It's-it's fine.
I'm over it.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
I really am over it.
ZARA: Ah, ooh, here's one at brunch, right before we had sex in the omelet line.
- Oh, boy.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- MAYA: Oh, boy.
- It's gonna be bad.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
BRYCE: Huh.
Well, this is interesting.
Turns out Kew Gardens has the oldest pot plant in the world.
- BOTH: [LAUGH.]
- Now that is a neat fact.
[LAUGHS.]
- What? - Nothing, no.
You just always get so excited about little facts.
You remind me of my seventh grade history teacher.
- Hmm, don't love that.
- Oh, no, no.
He was cute.
All the girls had a crush on him.
Anyway, let's talk about your backyard.
Sure.
Um, is there anything you're seeing that you like, or Honestly, I I hardly know one flower from another.
Same goes for wine.
Oh, I I don't know anything about wine either.
I mean, I pretend I do so that I seem fancy, but - Naturally.
- Honestly, my favorite is still the house red from the Cracker Barrel.
- Oh, hell no.
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Shit, yeah.
- You're a Texas girl.
- Yeah.
I had my first kiss in a Cracker Barrel.
Oh, let me tell you about a Texas first kiss.
- Come on now.
- Okay.
Mine was in the back of a pickup truck after a football game.
- Classic.
- I got chiggers.
- BOTH: [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, you would.
When I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm back home.
I feel like I'm home too.
[TENDER PIANO MUSIC.]
Been wanting to do that for a long time.
I'm sorry.
I'm seeing someone, and I just can't.
[MOUTHING.]
I'm sorry.
- [DOOR CLICKS.]
- Ah, there you are.
Um, how far along are we on that Hounslow theater project? Uh, the opening night's this weekend, remember? You're the guest of honor.
I just ordered a hundred cupcakes with your face on them.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
What is going on? Uh, the party whip reacted negatively to Andrew bankrolling a theater in Hounslow.
Of course he did.
Why? Because it's an immigrant neighborhood full of brown people? Uh, no, because it's one of the opposition's constituencies.
God, you're racist for even saying that.
[SOFTLY.]
Oh, my God.
Whatever the reason, this isn't worth jeopardizing my position in the party.
- Moving on.
- No, not moving on.
You can't pull out right now, okay? If you're not there on Saturday, no one will show.
- No one will donate.
- Why do you care so much? You didn't want to do this in the first place.
Well, because Ka everyone there has worked really hard, and what am I gonna tell the kids? Oh, tell them I've been taken ill.
That's what my father did for all my birthdays.
I'm sorry, but politics forces us to make difficult decisions.
- I've made up my mind.
- But you can't do this.
Ah, I said I've made up my mind.
If you don't agree, you can find work elsewhere.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[GASPS.]
Shit.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
BRYCE: I can hear you saying "shit".
Bryce.
Hi.
Uh, look, I'm sorry about yesterday.
I didn't know you were seeing somebody.
But I don't regret it.
I like you, and I'd be mad at myself if I if I let you walk away without telling you how I feel.
Well, I'm sorry too for giving you the wrong impression.
I am dating someone, and it's serious.
Totally understand.
No hard feelings.
So I guess you should find somebody else to finish your garden.
I never cared about the garden, Ainsley.
Oh, don't bother to knock.
A closed door is but a suggestion.
Listen, if you want to fire me, you can fire me - You're fired.
- But let me talk first.
You made a promise to those kids.
You can't do this.
Do you think this makes me feel good? I saw that cute little Sikh boy who played Kurt.
He kept pushing up his little glasses.
- So help him.
- There is more at stake.
I have my seat to think of.
What is the point of having a seat if you don't use it to help people? Don't lecture me.
I've been in office since before you were born.
The problem with your generation is you don't know what a hard choice looks like.
[SCOFFS.]
First of all, my generation is drowning in your generation's debt, and we're all gonna die of climate change.
Second of all, "It is incumbent on us as public servants to give voice to the voiceless.
" Oh, and who said that? Oprah? Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie? Whoa, you know how to pronounce that? And no, it's not her anyway.
[SIGHS.]
It is incumbent on us as public servants to give voice to the voiceless, and to remember that we govern and act - on behalf of the people.
- [MEN AGREEING.]
We must elevate those who cannot rise on their own.
I promise to carry out my duties, to serve, and to represent each and every one of them.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
You know, I can't disagree with that handsome bastard.
[SIGHS.]
Are we all ready, little Von Trapplets? And, ooh, there we are.
Now, smile for the cameras, especially the nuns.
Well, I just think well, I think it's gonna be absolutely marvelous.
I think your children are absolutely terrific.
It's going to be um, would you, uh, just excuse me? Just for a moment? You came.
I'm sorry.
I was a basic bitch, but well, you forgot me so easily, and and it hurt, 'cause I didn't forget you.
Yes, I suppose you were somewhat of a basic bitch, but, um, perhaps I deserved it.
So you never really date? How can that be true? Well, I became an MP 30 years ago.
Back then, we didn't have what we have now marriage, adoption.
Sam Smith would've been forced to marry Adele.
[LAUGHS.]
But think of the wonderful Christmas album - they would have made.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I'm glad you came tonight, Tony, because you're someone worth remembering.
Uh, shall we, um [SOMETHING GOOD PLAYING ON PIANO.]
So somewhere in my youth Or childhood I must have done Something good BOTH: Nothing comes from nothing Nothing ever could MARIA: So somewhere in my youth BOTH: I must have done Something Good [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Oh, excuse me.
Hey, that was the greatest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Chicago 78 times.
And what did Andrew think? He said that we did something really important tonight.
We? You tried to kill this yesterday.
Yes.
And it's a testament to the strength of our idea that it succeeded nonetheless [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- BASHEER: Oh, here he is! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Well, you didn't suck.
- Thanks, bro.
- Wonderful job, beta.
- Thanks, Dad.
It good to have hobbies like me and my checkers club.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
[KEYPAD CLACKING.]
[PHONE BLIPS.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [KEYPAD CLACKING.]
[PHONE BLIPS.]
[SIGHS.]
Take care.
Good to see you.
Bye.
Hi.
I'm gonna head off.
But I just I just wanted to say you were really good.
Thank you.
Uh, before you go, can I show you something? - MAYA: What? - KASH: Look.
Oh, cool.
I did it when I was 10.
BOTH: [LAUGH.]
I basically lived here when I was a kid.
Oh, that's nice.
Thank you for everything.
Oh, I didn't do anything.
KASH: Yes, you did.
You gave me the courage to act again, even if it is only community theater.
I'm happy, and it's all because of you.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
SINGER: I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking till the sun goes down I believe in a thing called love Love, ooh Ooh ooh I want to kiss you every minute Every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everything will be okay Touching you Touching me Touching you God, you're touching me I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we can make it now MAN: Go to bed.