Fresh Meat (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

Er, I made tea, fiance.
Nice one, fiancee.
Er, memo.
He liked it and so henceforth went and put a ring on it.
Yep.
Er Morning.
Hello, Kingsley.
All right, mate? No bowls? Er, no.
Dishwasher's bust.
Argh! Shit! Sorry, mate.
Had to.
Dave He's fine? Ain't you? Yeah, it didn't hurt.
Anyway, we're going back to bed.
Oh, um, are we? Er, good luck for today.
You too.
Just checked the schedule.
Apparently I'm headlining.
Vod, it's just an English presentation.
Oh, yours might be Melissa.
Oh, don't call me that.
You sound like my mum the mad old hag.
Seriously, though, don't don't call me that.
Can we keep it between us? Yeah, look, Oregon, I get it.
You, er you've got a secret identity.
You want to keep it that way.
I haven't got a secret identity.
I'm not Batman.
Well, you have a fake name, live in a mansion and ride around on a horse.
Batman doesn't have a horse.
Yeah, he does.
Point is, it's in the vault.
Cheers, Vod.
Pchh! Pchh! Pchh! Erm, until I complete today's revision timetable, I won't be partaking in any small talk.
All right, JP? Not really.
Oh, God.
Of course not.
I've got an end-of-term modular in 24 hours.
I'm stressed to fuck.
Exam? I thought you meant you know Oh, my God.
You thought I was upset because my dad died? Oh, yeah, Kingsley, I'm absolutely devastated.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Oh, I'm so sad, Daddy's dead.
Cry me a fucking river, Kingsley.
He was so young, he was only 53.
He had so much to live for.
Yes.
Um Sorry.
What is this? I'm grieving, Kingsley.
Have you got a problem with that? Have you got a problem with me grieving? Am I making you feel uncomfortable, Kingsley? So you're fine, basically? No! I'm an emotional wreck, Kingsley.
I'm all over the place.
This is just a big cry for help.
I'm going to go and see a counsellor.
Yeah, good one.
I am, actually.
Right.
What? LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC (MOUTHS) MUSIC FADES They're waiting for you.
(AUDIENCE CHATS SOFTLY) (THEY FALL SILENT) "Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children "burgeons with life, exuberance and fantasy.
" (CLEARS THROAT) "It is a marvellous sensual epic," "it's the sound of a continent finding its voice.
" At least, that's what it said on Amazon.
I wouldn't know.
Cos I never finished it! I got to the bit where the boy with a nose like a cucumber realises he can read people's minds, and I thought, "Sorry, I'm not having this.
" Ooh.
You're quiet.
Have I shocked you? Is that some kind of a taboo? Am I not allowed to pull Salman Rushdie's pants down in public? Oh, look! Look, the emperor's got no clothes on! And he's sat there in the nude, writing this.
Pages and pages and pages and pages of just shit.
You know, it's like I can't breathe.
I feel like I've got this pompous, fat, naked man sitting on my face, and he's resting his big, overrated bollocks on my airways.
So, yeah.
Any questions? Mm.
I blew their minds.
You know, you could see it in their eyes.
They didn't know whether to cry or shit themselves.
Dishwasher is down.
The Zanussi is off line.
Yeah, I know.
Of course you do.
Good old Howard.
Always the last to know.
Whose can is that? Dave's.
I bet you it's Dave's.
The cheeky fucker.
It's a can, Kings.
Well, no.
This morning, right, I opened my bedroom door, and there's a pair of his boxers, just sat there on the landing.
His pants on my part of the landing.
Yeah, that's not great.
I feel like I'm sharing my home with a copy of Nuts magazine.
Pants on the landing not acceptable.
So we're agreed? He needs to leave.
Hm.
Agreed.
Maybe you should say something.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll speak to Josie.
Dishwasher's down.
I know it is.
Yeah.
Hold on, mate, let me ask her.
Martin wants to know what you students do all day? We study.
They study.
Nice one.
He said study your arseholes.
Nice one.
Anyway, cheers again.
Yeah, speak to you in a bit.
Bye.
That was Martin Blocker.
He's just spoken to some woman in HR and the breaking news is they're transferring me.
Who is? Work.
They've got me a job up here.
Up where? Manchester.
I'm moving to Manchester.
Fuck off! I didn't want to say anything in case they couldn't sort it.
Fuck! Wow.
I can't fucking believe it.
So, yeah, I can move in here.
I don't know what to say.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck.
You are OK with it? Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah! Um, why wouldn't I be? You keep saying "fuck".
Yeah, but it's a good "fuck".
It's like, "Fuck, I've just won the fucking lottery.
" So you're happy? Dave, I'm over the fucking moon.
We can live together.
Get some practice in.
Oregon, could I have a word? Just checking we're still on for tonight? It is a Wednesday, and we do like to go to a Travelodge on a Wednesday.
The old midweek special.
I have to go to the library and get a key cut, but after that, yeah.
Well, sorry to add to your list of chores.
I am looking forward to it, I just might be a bit late.
Oh, while I've got you here, this morning's presentations I was thinking of giving Jeff a C minus.
I'm a bit torn.
Thought you might have an insight on him.
You gave Vod an F?! What do you expect? "Salman Rushdie is a giant nude bullshitter.
" Shit, is she going to be OK? Three in a row.
It's academic probation territory.
I mean we could change it couldn't we? Massage it with those magic fingers.
And what do you suggest would be a more appropriate grade? A cheeky little B.
Tell me a little bit about what's brought you here today.
(GROANS) It's OK, Jonathan.
You can take your time.
Jonathan That's what he called me, when he was alive.
Who's he? My father.
Is it a recent loss? Tell me how you're feeling.
Sad.
Guilty.
Angry.
Because now I've got this geology exam, and that's all I can think about, is the geology exam, and my dad's dead, so I've got both.
I've got dead dad, geology exam.
It's like a huge tap and it's like the tap has been turned on.
It's just drip, drip, dripping, overflowing everywhere.
Sorrow, just everywhere, it's all over the place, is this sorrow.
I can't do the exam.
I can't do it.
Hmm.
It's broken.
Just leave it, yeah? Not any more.
It was just the filter.
It's all fixed.
What is? The dishwasher.
He's fixed the dishwasher.
Bro! Fucking bro! Everyone, Dave's fixed the dishwasher! What? He-he-he's fixed the dishwasher.
He's fixed it? Seriously, it's nothing.
He did something with the filter.
He knows about filters! Who are you? I know.
Here.
You deserve it.
Do you mind if I put this back in the fridge? Fine, yeah.
(LOUDLY) Nobody touch the big beer in the fridge! It is Dave's.
You could probably fix that fridge, if it was broken.
- It depends.
- Wow.
Josie, can I have a word? Yeah, sure.
Yeah Um (CLEARS THROAT) So the thing is Dave It's getting out of hand.
He's been here five days.
He's leaving empty cans everywhere, and they're potential death traps.
He's using a lot of hot water.
I I found toothpaste residue in the toilet bowl that I'm pretty sure was his.
Are you being serious? I'm sorry, I know you're engaged now and everything.
It's beyond a joke.
Boxers all over the landing.
He needs to leave, ASAP.
Why are you being such a dick? It's not just me, actually.
We've all had enough of him.
Haven't we, Howard? Haven't we what? Dave.
He's taking the piss out of us.
Oh, I'll tell you what I think of Dave.
That is what I think of Dave.
I mean he's tacking down the saggy bit of carpet in my bedroom right now.
THUDDING It's two sugars, isn't it? Yep.
Um, yeah, but we agreed.
So you've been talking about Dave, then.
Slagging him off.
It's nothing personal.
No, no, go on.
You've obviously got a problem.
It's not that, I just think he needs to be a bit more domesticated.
He's not an animal.
No-one's No-one's saying he's an animal.
You're just jealous because you had your chance and you blew it.
What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means.
When did I get this chance? You've had a boyfriend the whole time.
Go floss yourself.
I'm putting a wash on, if you've got anything.
Well done.
You must be really chuffed.
Oh, it's only a B.
Like I give a shit.
It's a fucking letter.
I can give you some tips on yours if you want, pointers, tricks of the trade.
Yeah, wow.
That'd be really good.
I wasn't even trying anyway.
It's like that thing humans only use 10% of their brains.
Yeah, well, I'm operating on, like, 3%, and I still got a higher grade than most of these drones.
Sad, sad wankers.
Oh, shit.
What? Nothing.
Violet Nordstrom? Yep.
Quick word.
I know you're fucking my husband.
I just wanted to know when you might be free for us to go out to coffee, talk about it.
Hang on.
Who's your husband? Tony Shales.
English professor? Oh, come on.
I saw your grade, I saw your presentation.
It doesn't take a genius.
I'm fucking him?! Let's not do this now.
7.
30, Cafe Martha, OK? (SHUDDERS) STONES TAP ON WINDOW STONES TAP ON WINDOW STONES TAP ON WINDOW STONES TAP MORE FREQUENTLY ON WINDOW Oh oh, hi, Howard.
Were you just throwing stones at my window? No.
It wasn't me.
That's odd.
I was just walking past, and maybe some gravel kicked up off my shoe and hit your window.
Or something.
Yeah, maybe.
Anyway, I thought you liked stones, geologist.
I do like stones, Brian.
Then I guess we don't have a problem, then, do we? Did you want something? No, thanks.
Well, I'm just in the middle of oceanography.
Do you want to get some lunch or something? What? It was a joke.
Er, it was a joke on a joke.
A riff on the outdated concept of mealtimes.
God, what is wrong with you? GLASS SHATTERS OK, why does Jean Shales think I'm shagging her husband? - What?! - It's you, isn't it? You're still shagging that wrinkly old piss-bag, aren't you? Yeah, a little bit.
So it was bullshit? You two breaking up.
You lied to me.
Vod Ohh! Well, she knows.
She thinks it's me, but she totally knows.
What was she like? Did she go mental? Do you know what, she was fine.
Really? She was like, "Do you want to go out for coffee tonight, talk about it?" Oh, my God.
That is so French.
It's fucking French.
So what are you going to do? Nothing, cos I'm not shagging him.
Yeah, obviously.
Do you think I should go? You need to straighten this out.
OK, all right.
For God's sake, I'm a bloody love rival.
(GROANS) What a total fucking drama.
God.
It's like something from a Woody Allen film or something.
Yeah, dirty old man, pretty young girl.
I think I've seen that one.
TAPPING Dave, can you mute that, please? I'm not making any noise.
The tapping.
It's not noise.
It's tapping.
That's noise.
Not really noise, is it? Tapping is noise.
Barely noise.
That's noise.
Not noise.
Can you mute it? There's nothing to mute.
Um, can we have a little chat? Later.
I'm not sure about you moving to Manchester.
What? OK, the way I see it, us, yeah We're great together in Cardiff, we have so much fun together in Cardiff.
Do you see where I'm going with this? You only like me when I'm in Cardiff? No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
God, no.
Um, you're a mountain lion.
And you're on your mountain doing great.
And then someone comes along and picks you up and puts you in bloody Rusholme.
You're not going to survive.
You can't thrive.
You thrive in Cardiff.
So you like me when I'm in Cardiff but you don't like me when I'm in Manchester? How about when I'm in Worcester? Dave At what point along the M6 do you stop liking me? Junction 9? Junction 10? Knutsford Services? Why don't we just wait until we're married to live together, you know, like people used to? All right.
OK.
So why don't we move the wedding forward, do it next year? Yep.
That's an option.
Really? Abso-fucking-lutely.
OK.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh Well, can't you just tell him? All right, fine.
Put him on.
All right, Dad? Yeah, I got a B.
Hmm.
I think I'm, um, starting to get a handle on it.
No, English.
Manchester, actually, Dad.
So, I'm throwing her out all this grief shit, and she is just gobbling it up like a fucking heron or something.
She is loving it.
And she's going to sign me off my exam.
Great, well done.
Honestly, if you ever need any acting lessons I don't.
No, I'm just saying, if you ever did.
I don't.
The offer's on the table.
You can take it off.
Well, I'm going to leave it on the table.
I'll move tables.
It's on all the tables.
Thanks, by the way, for fucking me over with Dave.
What can I say? The guy sorted my swivel chair.
He's a colossus.
He's a dick.
What is your beef with Davros? Davros?! Yes, Davros.
I mean, the guy is a fucking Viking.
He's not a Viking.
Oh! We're going down the pub later.
Dave's paying.
Oh, yes to the fucking please.
And he just got paid, so I'm thinking it could be a big one.
Yeah, well, count me out.
I mean, just look at the sheen on that.
That really has turned out nice, eh? To Dave.
To Davros.
BELL RINGS AND KNOCKING Oh, shit.
J Penis.
Wassa g'wan? Did you want something? Just had a phone call with the old headshrinker da therapist and wanted to come by and say in person, during your hour of need Whatever.
Did you sort it? The exam? Totally, you don't have to do it.
Till next term.
What? So I still have to do it? And, in fact, I have to study all over Christmas? That's going to be really fun, isn't it? Sat around the dinner table with all of my family.
"Oh, Mother, pass me some turkey," "be careful not to spill any gravy on my open copy" "of the Principles Of Sedimentology.
" It's the best I could do.
My dad died for this shit, and this is the best you can do? Bollocks to it.
I'm not doing a fucking postponement.
Relax, you're going to pass anyway.
I've seen the paper.
You've seen the paper? Yes, and it is a piece o' piss.
Do you fancy maybe going and grabbing a takeaway? Bro? FRENCH SONG ON RADIO Er sorry Hi.
Hello.
I'm the one, not the one you thought.
But aren't you oven girl? Yeah, well, Oregon's my name.
Oh, God, what a mess.
I'm the woman who's fucking your husband.
Well, you did a brilliant job on the grill.
Oh, thanks.
And I love your book.
Don't think of it as cheating.
Think of it as a little last-minute one-to-one tuition, for which I will be paying you the princely sum of one tandoori chicken.
You're bribing me.
Ha! Or am I? To clarify, I am.
No, absolutely not.
Well, Dan, it's too late for that.
Your dick is already on the table.
You've eaten half the keema naan and you've fingered a bhaji.
There's no turning back.
Seriously, JP, that could get me fired.
I tell you what could get you fired is if all of your tutor group fail because none of them can stay awake during your boring tutorials.
My tutorials are not boring.
That's not what they're saying on the forums.
Look, I know there's some troll on Student Web who's got a beef with the way I teach hydrology, and I've spoken to the moderator and that shit shall be taken down.
Come on, let's get the ball rolling.
What if I were to say to you mineral constitutions? I'd say mineral constitutions were a waste of time.
There we are.
That's the spirit.
Good boy.
Come on.
Eat the naan.
Who's a good boy? So, right, shall we get down to it? What do you want to do? What do you think? Er, well, I guess I should apologise.
There's really no need.
Right, good.
These things happen.
C'est la vie.
French.
Er, but, I mean, obviously we need to come to some kind of resolution to this whole fucking mess.
I don't know.
I don't see any reason why you can't keep seeing Tony.
What? Really? We're all adults.
Well, two of us are.
I'm not so sure about Tony.
Oh, yes.
(LAUGHS) The problem with Tony is, he read Baudrillard at university and thought he understood him.
I know exactly what you mean.
Sorry, this might sound like a weird question, but, um, what's the etiquette vis-a-vis me doing your module next term? Oh.
Right, um, maybe a bit I don't know.
Or is it a I can only do one of them? Your husband or you module! (LAUGHS) God! Hmm.
The thing I still can't quite get my head around is why the fuck are you getting married? We love each other.
OK, fine.
Yeah, I get that bit.
Why the fuck are you getting married? It's tradition.
It's romantic.
It's Kate and Wills.
Circle of life.
Hakuna matata.
Thanks for the delicious pint, Dave.
You don't need to keep thanking me, Howard.
Who wants another? - Yes, please, Dave.
- Yeah.
I'm fine.
I haven't even finished my pint, and he's going to the bar.
J'adore Dave.
We are but falling leaves in the garden of Dave.
All right, will you shut up about Dave? Oh.
Brian? Howard.
How are you? Medium.
I'm excellent, thanks for asking.
How's your pint? It looks disgusting.
It's beyond tasty, thanks for your concern.
I thought your revision plans were beyond human endurance, but no.
Look at you.
Out with your friends.
"Oh, I'm Howard and I'm out with my friends.
" After what you did to me re Geology Girl, how can you just sit there? Howard, are you OK? Do you need me to get involved? Oh, oh, oh, big scary Vod.
And Josie.
Lovely Josie.
Obviously I've heard all about you.
Right.
All good, I hope.
Very good.
Very, very good indeed.
Excellent.
Very, very glad to hear it.
Specifically what have you heard? The virgin surgeon.
You're the one who's into cherry-picking, bro virgins and the taking therein of their guymens.
Right, well, I don't know who you heard that from.
Don't be like that.
Maybe we can come to some arrangement.
Brian, abort.
I help you, you help me.
Quid pro quo.
Excuse me, mate.
Not now.
We're negotiating.
Abort, Brian, abort.
What's that, sorry? She's got a cure for the male virginity and she ain't afraid to use it.
Just ask Kingsley.
(SQUEALS) Jesus Christ.
Shit, Dave! Howard, you've got my back, right? Brian, I do not have your back.
It is 100% his back.
I'll remember this, you fucking traitor.
PHONE RINGS I'm kind of in the middle of something, Howard.
Dave he's gone rogue.
He just nutted Brian.
He knows.
What does he know? Everything.
He's on his way.
DEFCON 1.
'Repeat, DEFCON 1.
' Oh! Fu Fuck! Fuck! Agh! Shit.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Bye, Dan.
Fuck.
Fuck.
It's Dave.
He knows.
Knows what? Fucking everything.
I don't know.
That we both shagged Josie? Oh, bollocks.
He's on his way.
KEY RATTLES IN LOCK Oh, shit my pants! Top bathroom.
Safe house.
Go! (DAVE) Kingsley! DOOR CLOSES Kingsley! Hello? Kingsley! Where are you going? Is that you, Kingsley? I just want to talk, that's all.
Supplies.
We don't know how long we might be in here.
He's going to kill us.
Kingsley, mate He definitely knows about me, right? (WHISPERS) I don't know what he knows.
Kingsley? Are you about for a quick chat? (BANGS ON DOOR) Shit.
Shit.
The window.
We're three floors up.
Are you in there? Listen, mate, I know you're in there.
I can see you through the glass.
(MOUTHS) OK, look.
Dave, mate just because I've locked myself in the bathroom, you know, that doesn't mean anything.
Then come out.
No, thank you.
(BANGS ON DOOR) (MOUTHS) Just get in the fucking Kingsley, mate! Dave, I am so, so sorry.
Oh, that's all right, then.
I just found out from some twat that you had sex with Kingsley, but you're sorry, so that's OK.
It wasn't like that.
So you didn't have sex with him? Dave, just listen! So, you did? OK.
Fine.
Yes, I did.
Jesus Christ, Josie.
Kingsley was a virgin and he wanted to lose it with someone he knew and he started laying this big guilt trip on me about his mum and this other stuff.
That's factually inaccurate, Dave.
Kingsley, do you want to stay out of this? Come on, you're making it sound like I made you.
I didn't make you.
You practically did! He molested you? I did not molest her, Dave.
Not physically, but emotionally maybe.
She's lying, Dave.
She's trying to shift the blame.
She's a big blame-shifter, isn't she, JP? Why is JP in there? (JP) Davros! Hello! Um Yes, Well, I am just as confused as you are as to why I find myself locked in here.
Josie? I just need three years.
Here, on my own, in Manchester.
And then we can go back to Cardiff like mountain lions and we can get married and we can thrive.
OK? You shagged JP, didn't you? You fucking did.
And if anything, he went first, which is much worse.
(JP WHISPERS) Shut up! OK Before I kick this door down, has anybody else in there had sex with my fiancee?! (JP) Not me.
I'm Chester Chan and I'm from China.
I am kung fu expert.
Unless you go away, I'll come out there and karate kick your ass! No, Dave, there's no-one else.
That's just JP doing a silly voice.
Why did you tell him? He believed it.
Babe, can we just talk about this? I think he's retreating.
(KINGSLEY) What if it's some ruse to just try and smoke us out? (JP) Yeah, that's a good point.
(KINGSLEY) Do you know what I mean? (JP) We'd best sit tight.
Nice tit.
KNOCKING (HOWARD) JP, if you're in there, we have a modular exam commencing in approx 45 minutes.
What about Dave? (HOWARD) Zero Dave.
We are sans Dave.
Shit! Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Shitty, shitty bollocks! Two hours.
You may turn your papers over.
(WHISPERS) You screwed me over.
(WHISPERS) They switched the papers.
I bought you a fucking curry.
There's nothing I can do.
Right I'll tell you what I'm going to do now.
I'm going to cross out these questions.
And I'm going to answer the questions that I prepared for.
You are going to make that OK.
Did I make myself cl? (INDISTINCT) All right? Where's Dave? Ask Kingsley.
No, actually ask Josie.
She's the one who cheated on him.
Yes.
With you.
And JP.
He was the final straw.
He was the smoking gun.
So yeah, engagement's off.
My mam's been crying down the phone, and apparently both nans are devastated.
All due respect to both nans, not my fault.
Oregon I've just been to pick up my reading list.
Why has Shales marked me down from a B to an F? Oh, I don't know.
That is weird.
Is this you? Did you do something? Look, he was going to fail you, so I just asked him to bump you up a bit.
Oh! So, it was shit, then, was it, my-my presentation? No, I just Jean Shales, she looked at the grades.
Oh! How dare you? How dare you help me?! I mean, what makes you think I even give two shits about grades? I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
You just go round lying all the time.
You can't help yourself.
In fact, do you know what? Her real name's Melissa.
She lives in a big, huge mansion in the middle of the country.
She's got her own horse.
And she's been shagging this flabby old cunt of an English professor the whole time we've been here.
I am done with you.
Done.
Had had a horse.
DOORBELL RINGS Tony! She told me about your meeting.
Shit! We've just been talking it over.
God, that must have been awful.
What was it like? It wasn't nice.
Oh, what a shitting mess.
I hope we can get through it without one of us doing something crazy.
Yeah, that's why I'm here to make things simple again.
I left her.
Oh, my God! I left her for you.
Oh, my God! Before you ask, yes, I have thought this through.
This is happening, Oregon.
No more Jean.
No more cloak and dagger, no more bullshitting.
Just the two of us from here on in.
Right.
You've got me, Oregon.
You've got me all to yourself.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Can I help? Yeah.
I was just thinking that maybe me and you should go for dinner sometime next week.
Right.
Because I mean, I get it.
You're really into me, you know.
Don't bother denying it.
I make you wet, which is fine.
We could just go to dinner, talk about my dad.
I mean, if you want to, cos I know you're like obsessed with that whole dad thing, even though it's fucking boring.
I could do a session on Monday afternoon.
Yeah, that'd be good.
Two o'clock? Yeah.
She wants me.
(BRIAN) I'm screening your call.
Leave a message, and I may or may not get back to you.
Well played, Brian.
Well played indeed.
I said I pity the fool That falls in love with you And expects you to be true Oh, I pity the fool Look at the people I know you're wondering what they're doing They're just standing there Watching you make a fool of me Look at the people