Friends from College (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

It was nasty, but I liked it.
She was like - [Lisa.]
Guys.
- I was like, "No, yeah!" She was like Okay.
Alright, guys.
I know we are all excited about our annual meeting in the Cayman Islands Yeah.
I'm really excited.
[bangs underneath table.]
That is a form of entertainment.
Yeah.
- Mrs Turner, Brett's stroking it.
- Yeah.
I can see that.
Anyway, there have been some incidents in the past, so I am legally required to just go over our company guidelines about what we can and we cannot do.
Wait.
[banging under the table.]
- What is that? I hear a wave.
- Do the wave.
[Lisa.]
Hey guys, you know what? Guys Just a general I can do this.
Guys, the faster we can get through this stuff, the sooner we can talk Everybody, come on Paul! [yells.]
Come on Paul, baby! In his eye! Blast his fucking eyes! Market's open! Paul, one more long distance! No! You didn't save a bullet for me! God, it is gonna be a total shit show.
I'm gonna be stuck there all by myself.
[Nick.]
Grand Cayman.
I feel so bad for you.
That's so hard.
I'm gonna be working, dipshit.
I know that is a hard concept for you.
Very funny.
Well, you won't be working the whole time.
But I'll be stuck with a bunch of assholes.
Alright, fine.
Then I'll come.
Yeah, great.
I'll see you there.
I'm serious.
Come on, I can clear my schedule.
You can just add one more asshole to the bunch.
[muffled yelling.]
Okay, sure.
Why not? Okay, great.
I'll book my flight.
See you soon.
Great.
Bye.
[chanting.]
Caymans! Caymans! [groans.]
- Hi, babe.
- Hi, babe.
Oh, my God, you made coffee.
Thank God.
Hey, so I am not gonna be able to meet your parents this weekend.
- Something came up.
- What? We have tickets to Kinky Boots.
I know.
I'm super bummed.
I was super looking forward to that.
Well, can you change it? Nope.
Sorry.
There is no way I'm getting into Harvard.
When I was your age, I said the same exact thing.
But it was easier to get in back then.
- True.
- I think you've got a real shot.
Hi again.
Sorry for the wait.
Mrs Wexler will be with you in just a moment.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[whispers.]
Show time.
We gotta go.
- What? - We gotta go.
- We gotta go right now.
Come on.
- What? Wait! Dad! Chloe? That woman is a nightmare.
You do not want her doing your interview.
You know her? Yeah, our firm did some work there and we did not get along.
[Chloe.]
I'm so screwed.
No, you're not.
I'm gonna take care of it.
Don't you worry.
Okay, no, she's right.
Thank you, sweetie.
You saved the day.
I love you.
See you tonight.
- [Jon.]
I love you! - Bye! It totally sucks that Marianne kicked you out of her place.
It's okay.
It was time for us to go, anyway.
Hey, Ethan.
[yells.]
He's got me right in the back! Are you kidding me, skirt? This isn't exactly how I thought my life was gonna turn out.
Right, buddy.
But I like it.
Die! [Ethan shouts.]
- [Ethan.]
Hi, honey.
We're working.
- That's great.
I just wanted to tell you that I emailed everybody kind of a crazy idea but it could be really fun.
What if instead of just me going to the Cayman Islands, what if the whole friend group went? - Are you serious? - Do you like these pants on me? Because Felix said I couldn't pull them off.
- They're super hot.
- You leave in two hours.
It'll be like adult spring break.
No, I love the concept.
It's really cool that Blackstool's paying for guests.
No, they wouldn't pay for everybody.
- We're going to the Caymans? - Yeah.
No, we would have to pay ourselves.
So, honey, how much are the tickets? - $1,100 for economy.
- $1,100 for economy.
- Wow.
- We can't afford that.
Marianne definitely can't.
I can't go.
And we gotta do the thing.
We gotta work.
Sam probably can't make it.
She's probably busy.
This was a dumb idea.
Dumb Lisa.
Oh, my God, I just looked on my desk computer, there's an email from Nick and he said he's coming! I'm sorry, he is? Nick is going? Yeah! Huh? Wow! Yeah, so I'll see you in a week and I'll be in touch.
Right.
- Have fun.
- Okay.
Bye! What just happened there? Felt like kind of a weird vibe.
Nick is going? That is advanced level Lisa ninjutsu.
See, we had a fight after the wedding and now she's punishing me by going to the Caribbean with somebody who isn't me.
And someone she used to date.
Don't forget that.
Yeah.
[cell phone rings.]
Hey.
- I just saw Anka Wexler.
- Who's that again? Our stupid kiss from the other night just derailed my step-daughter's Harvard interview, not to mention almost destroyed my marriage.
Now I have to bring Chloe to Harvard to do her interview there! Wait, you're going to Cambridge? Oh, my God.
I haven't been in so long.
Could you imagine I know what you're thinking and the answer is no.
We would get separate hotel rooms.
Let's all go.
It'll be fun.
I think it's a terrible idea and you shouldn't go.
Max, there is a werewolf exhibit and I can't afford to miss it.
Does this werewolf exhibit actually exist? Ethan? - Just look at me and tell me - Fine.
It's not real.
I want to go to Cambridge.
Is that wrong? Lisa's gone to the Caymans to have fun.
Why can't I? Just tell me that.
We can work there.
Widener Library has great Medieval history.
We'll use that as research.
You're in? - I'm in! - We're doing it! We're going to Cambridge.
- Cambridge! - Cambridge! [Max mimics gun shots.]
[mimics high-pitched gun shots.]
- That's - That's racist.
I think Yeah.
- I shouldn't do that.
- Too far.
I am so excited to be here.
I haven't been to the beach in years, and I always get burned, but I love it.
Paul! You are a sight for sore eyes! - It's so good to see you! - Hey, Lisa.
Nick, this is Paul.
Paul, Nick.
Paul works at Blackstool.
He's the only other nice person.
Okay.
Alright.
Cool.
It's insane how long you have worked there.
You should quit.
I pay a lot in alimony.
So don't get divorced because even when you think you are, you're really not.
Well, we are gonna get out of our plane clothes, get into a bathing suit, get in that pool.
- Let's hit it.
- Right? See you there.
- Alright.
- Cannonball! - What? - Right? Are you okay? - [Ethan.]
Unbelievable, man.
- [Max.]
You lucked out.
- [Ethan.]
It'll feel like home.
- It's embracing us! Welcome home! It even smells familiar.
Oh, God, it's so amazing to be here! Please, guys, no nostalgia tour.
Just spare us.
Now I feel like I have to talk about nostalgia.
I gotta get at this hacky sack.
I'm just gonna get into this.
Just ride the snake.
Watch this.
Okay, I was a little high.
I'm sorry.
Be away from us.
[Max.]
Whoa! Whoa! [Sam.]
Hey, I don't think these are college kids.
What is this, Westside Story? What is this? - It's never been a safe area.
- I remember that now.
- [Sam.]
Stay out of this area.
- [Max.]
Stay up here.
[Sam.]
Just head to the hotel.
[Max.]
Just there Wow.
Okay.
Well, we're definitely going to this lunch.
I am legitimately excited to see Coolio perform.
Yeah.
Coolio's one of those interesting performers.
Erm Yeah, very.
Well, I'm here for a few days.
What are you up for? There's, like, this yoga morning thing that sounds kind of interesting.
They have a great golf course.
We could get some plaid pants, hit the links.
Golf is interesting.
Is Tiger Woods still good? Ti What? [soft moaning.]
What is happening? No! Nope.
[Lisa sighs.]
Tiger Woods is not good anymore, some other guy is.
- Okay, thanks for clarifying that.
- Yeah.
Hey.
I found two of your books.
Oh, my God.
Put those away.
Check this out.
Look at this guy.
Oh, my gosh.
- Where is that guy? - Oh, my God.
Look at that head of hair.
- Look at me.
- And you know the weirdest part? Look, this picture was taken two years later.
What happened? That was a rough two years, man, I'll tell you what.
But it doesn't matter because this is the past.
And right now, this is the present, and we're gonna write the shit out of this wolf book.
- We're gonna make millions of dollars.
- Absolutely.
Then I can write stuff that feeds my soul again.
- You know what I love? - What? I love that in this time of computers and internet and instant information at your fingertips, that we're in an actual research library just, like, getting back to the source.
Yeah.
It's like there's no substitute for a top-flight research library.
Guess what I found online.
You're on? I couldn't get any service down here.
No, wifi, get on the wifi.
Is it Harvard Guest? - It's a Boingo hotspot.
- Gotcha.
You know how there were witch trials? There were actual werewolf trials in Medieval times.
Really? Wait.
Werewolves are real? Sorry.
Wait, what site is that on? Where did you even find that? It's on Wikipedia.
I just Googled werewolves.
I just typed in "werewolves".
You Googled it? I know, we should've thought about that a long time ago.
My point is Peter Stumpp.
Listen to this They called him The Werewolf of Bedburg.
- No one's done anything with it? - No one's done anything.
- Really? - Yes! You know what we should do? Jasmine shouldn't escape.
She should get caught and then be put on a wolf trial.
- I love that.
- It gives the whole thing a spine.
- That's our ending.
- The wolf trial happens When there's a full moon and the prosecutor turns into a werewolf.
Like, literally, he's just going, "I object" [makes strained werewolf noises.]
The judge throws the gavel at him and he eats it or fetches it.
- Genius! - That's the book! And we call it I got it.
Peter Stumpp: Werewolf of Bedburg.
- Let's just call it Wolf Trials.
- Wolf Trials of Bedburg.
Just Wolf Trials.
We don't want it to be generic.
It needs to be as specific as possible.
Have you ever heard of a wolf trial? We found out about it two seconds ago.
Duly noted.
You got me, that's true.
Right? That's the book! - We cracked it! - We cracked it! Yes! [whispered chanting.]
Wolf Trials! [snarling.]
[growling.]
[both howl.]
[Ethan.]
You, sir, are guilty of cracking the Wolf Trial! I accept the punishment because I confess to the crime! - Duck.
- Duck, yeah.
Duck.
[rhythmic groaning.]
Goose! You have never had pizza that's this close.
- What do you think? - Not bad.
[Max.]
Yes, not bad! You get it! - I feel I'm at the height of my powers.
- You are, buddy.
Right? [groans.]
- Juggle! - Alright, let's Oh my, God, it's a nice day.
[Ethan laughs.]
[Ethan and Max whoop.]
Yeah! I could go all night.
Finished yet? No, not yet.
I'm just kind of smooshing it up against you.
- Are you starving? - Yes.
- Let's go get some food.
- I love that idea.
Recharge! Are you okay? Yeah.
- I nailed it.
This is the best day.
- You crushed it.
- You crushed it.
- Thank you.
You're the best guy.
Thank you.
I love you, Max.
I'm so glad we got to do this.
- We got stuff done, you know? - We did! - And you know what? - What's that? - You know what Felix would always say? - No, what? He always thought that I had the biggest crush on you.
Is that wild? - Yeah.
- It just drove him crazy.
- He was talking about it all the time.
- Yes, okay.
That's wild, right? - Like, us.
- Nothing going on here.
Not even for an accident.
It wouldn't be real.
- I would make sure.
- One night we were like, "Uh-oh!" No.
It wouldn't happen, buddy, I promise.
- Oh, man! - Alright.
Here we go.
- You know what else? - What? Felix was saying that I deserve credit for the book.
What? He thinks I should stand up for myself.
Isn't that wild? That's wild.
Do you really want to have this conversation now? No, I just think it's wild! I think there's a lot of thoughts going on in your head.
- I have really got a lot going on! - You should probably go to sleep.
- Maybe one.
Shall we - No, we should not.
Let's go to sleep.
- I love you, buddy.
- And I love you.
Felix also thinks you're having an affair.
With Marianne.
[Ethan exhales.]
- Sit here? - Yeah.
Jeez, that is tender.
Yes, it's hard to sit.
Yeah.
- Good day.
- Hello! Good morning! Afternoon! - What time is it? I don't even know! - Would you like to start with drinks? Drinks? No.
Lord, no.
No, but I am starving, Desmond.
I'm gonna order right away.
I'm gonna get everything from the watermelon salad down.
I will take all of that and whatever you want.
Do you want food or some drinks or I think that's probably plenty for the both of us.
- Sounds good.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I love your smile.
What a lovely smile.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- What is going on with you? - What do you mean? - I feel like you're on cocaine.
- I'm not on - It's like you've sped up.
I'm just having a good time.
I'm excited to be here.
This is the best vacation.
It's so fun.
We're gonna play golf.
Then I'll go to a conference on how derivatives are making a comeback.
Great.
Sorry, is that the guy you talk about? - The Degrasso guy? - Who? - Yes.
It is.
- A co-worker, right? - We gotta get him over.
- We don't need to.
We can just No, definitely.
Hey.
- Hey.
Hi, excuse me.
- Yeah? - A word? - Oh! Hey! - What's up? - Hey.
Oh.
We're gonna do that.
- Yeah.
- Is this your husband? - No.
- [Nick.]
Nope.
No.
I'm from the SEC.
We've got a situation here.
Okay, you're out of your jurisdiction.
This is the fucking Grand Caymans.
This is a British protectorate, so your fucking bullshit, rinky-dinky, fucking pussy-assed, cunt-licking, fucking bullshit SEC law doesn't mean fucking shit here.
I got a US passport and a Swiss one, so fuck you! What's your name, dog? Legally you have to tell me your name.
My name? My name is Mike Fuckface.
I don't know Mike Fuck Yeah, you do.
You just got fucked in the face.
- He got you.
It was a bet.
- I was like - I know.
- What the fuck? You just roided out.
Who are you, though? - Who are you? - This is We're old friends.
This is Nick.
- Yeah.
- [Lisa.]
Yeah.
I thought you were married.
I am.
Uh-oh! I'm not a cheater.
I don't cheat.
Yeah, I'm not a cheater, either.
You see that.
Well, listen, what happens in Cayman stays in Cayman.
- I don't think they say that.
- No, I think they do.
- When you're down here, you do.
- Okay, I gotta go, but you - Yes.
- You and me are, like, the same.
The only thing that separates me and you four inches of dick.
See ya, dog.
Boy, you're right.
That guy is a psychopath.
What's up? I am I'm gonna go to the gym.
What? We just ordered all that food.
- So much isn't here anymore.
- I know.
- The Tasty.
- Yeah.
- Tommy's.
- Pizzeria Uno.
Store 24.
I mean, all the good chains.
Come on! But you know what I bet still is here? Please, no.
I promise you, our initials aren't still there.
Yes, we have to go look! Dunster's on the way.
Dunster's on the way? It's not your dorm anymore.
- It's forever my dorm.
- It hasn't been in over 20 years.
[getting high-pitched.]
But let's just take a look and see if we can get in.
[Sam high-pitched squeaks.]
What are you doing? Are you a baby dolphin? - Yeah.
- Okay, alright, cool.
You know when you get off a boat, you have sea legs? Right now, I feel like I have hump waist.
Can't stop humping.
We did it a lot of times, right? - Shouldn't you be wearing shoes? - I'm fine.
- Barefoot is not good.
- I'm fine.
I don't think they disinfect the wheel thing.
You know, could you just go work out somewhere else? I don't know why you're working out.
We just got a seven-hour workout.
- You know, like - I know, it's just distracting.
- Is this distracting? - Nick, come on.
Stop.
[buttons beep.]
Yes! These rope things are awesome! I feel like Alfred Molina in, like, Spider-Man.
I'm Doc Ock! Lisa, look.
Lisa, look.
Lisa, look.
- Lisa, look! - What? Look! [Lisa yells.]
Holy shit! - Are you alright? - Get away from me! - I think you really hurt yourself there.
- Oh, God.
It's fine.
- No, you can barely put any weight on it.
- It's okay.
- No, I'll take you to the hospital.
- No, you've done enough already, okay? - What does that mean? - I don't have to go to the hospital.
Ow! It's fine.
Lisa.
Hey.
[whispers.]
Hey.
Tall guy.
Tall guy with the hoodie and the backpack.
No, short guy with the hoodie and the back Girl, girl with the hoodie and the backpack.
[Sam.]
Hoodie girl.
Hoodie girl! Sam.
My God.
Old-timey people kissing.
Been owning walls for 20 years.
I can't get over these beds.
I mean, they're children's beds.
Can you believe we would sleep through the night together in one of these? Unbelievable.
Look, everything's the same.
The tapestries over the beds.
The shitty halogen lamp.
There's hair everywhere, so clearly this room belongs to a girl.
True fact.
And, well, I want to spread a little more cheese upon this moment.
You're as beautiful as the day I met you.
Even more.
That's not true, but I will pass the compliment along to my beauty team.
Alright, come here.
Wow.
There it is.
- Look at that.
- Yeah.
It's so weird, after all these years and we're still there.
SD and ET.
That's them.
That's the intruders.
Oh, my No rape.
There's no rape happening here.
No rape! You can clearly see I'm not raping! [in Caribbean accent.]
I got your Coke, man! - Thanks.
- Yeah.
So sorry about your leg.
I hope this didn't, like, ruin your work trip.
You don't have to apologize.
It's not your fault.
I hope you don't think this whole thing was, like, a mistake, you know.
Because I really enjoyed our I don't know, whatever you want to call it, experience.
You are one of, like, if not the most important person in my life, you know, female or male.
- I mean, just any, you know.
- I get it.
I just, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm sure you can understand that.
Yeah.
No, I do, I definitely do.
I just want to add, like I really care about you.
You are so special to me and I don't have more than I care about.
I don't know how you do this.
I know, it's so I don't know how you do this.
How do you just have random, meaningless hook-ups? I mean, it's soul crushing.
I mean, you just feel terrible after.
Alright, well, how's your leg? - Really hurts.
- Good.
I'm gonna put this right over here, just out of reach.
I hope you don't accidentally fuck some stranger on the way to hobble over and get it.
Come on! You came here for one reason.
- What? I didn't plan this! - Why else would you come here? I was excited to go to Coolio and then you fucked my dick off! I invited the whole friend group! I have proof! It's all on an email.
This isn't fucking Watergate.
There's no paper trail.
Yes, there is a paper trail.
There's an email right here.
You're cc'd on it.
You called me and then emailed everyone to cover your tracks like some psychopath.
[in Carribbean accent.]
Get out of here! Get out of here, man! It's get out of here, man.
That's how you say it! Samantha.
Sam.
I'm sorry that I made us go in there.
You didn't make me do anything.
I make poor choices whenever I'm around you and I can't seem to stop.
That is the second time we've been stopped by the cops since you came back.
- I know.
- That is not normal.
It is for me, okay? It happens all the time.
But I guess that's a different conversation.
Ethan Is it Is it okay if I walk you home? Don't walk too fast, they'll think I'm following you.
- What? - This is Chloe's room.
- It sounds like she's having a party.
- Does she know anybody here? Chloe can summon boarding school friends from anywhere in the world.
My God.
They're all so young.
Yeah.
This part of our lives needs to be over.
What? Why? Because I'm in love with you.
Don't say it, okay? The whole thing is don't say it.
You don't want to say it because what then? Because I don't want to say goodbye.
Me neither.
I'll see you on the plane tomorrow.
And at your birthday party.
- And Marianne's play.
- What? She's got another play? It's Annie.
But the entire thing is whispered and Annie is played by a 90-year-old man.
And I'm gonna regret asking this, but who plays Daddy Warbucks? - A 12-year-old girl.
- Of course.
Weird.
[sighs.]
Chloe, what the hell? You've got an interview tomorrow.
Everybody out.
[Chloe.]
Sam, come on.
This is not cool.
I'm the coolest.
Everyone still has to leave.
[employee.]
So I said [Lisa.]
That's great.
Thanks.
And I think they speak English here.
You know? What's up, gimpy? You've been so pouty since your boyfie left.
[all laugh.]
[yelling.]
What are you doing? Oh, is it not clear? [shouting.]
You guys are a bunch of soulless animals.
Let me put this in words that you're gonna understand, okay? Choke on my big fat fucking cock! I quit! Yes! - Wait.
- What? I'm really sorry to hear that.
You're a great attorney and I will be proud to write you a recommendation letter or endorse you on Linkedln.
This job isn't for everyone.
Thanks.
I might take you up on that.
Clap for her.
Jesus, she took a brave stand.
Fucking hot.
Good job.
That was good.
That was fucking insane.
What was that?