Friends with Benefits s01e07 Episode Script

so guinness for Ben, scotch on the rocks for Fitz and for Aaron a strawberry shortcake-tini? Yes.
But make it a virgin, because I'm on the Vespa.
Okay, you can drink like a girl now, but when we get to Mardi Gras, we're forcing some big boy drinks down your throat, okay? - Hey, hey, hey, y'all hear that? - What? Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras.
When I say Mardi, you say Gras.
Gras.
Mardi I'm not going.
Gras Wha you have to go.
We're staying at your parents' house.
We're not going.
The problem's not Mardi Gras.
It's my sister's baby shower.
We got into a gigantic fight last night, and now there's no way we can be in the same room together.
What was the fight about? Let me give you a little history about me and Grace.
Can I envision this history with everyone wearing bikinis? Sure.
Thanks.
See, instead of taking my advice and going to college, Grace decided to get married and knocked up by John John Taylor, the assistant to the assistant at a drive-thru liquor store.
And now I had made my peace with that.
And then last night, Grace and my mom call me and inform me that since Grace is having a baby girl, she's going to get my grandmother's sapphire ring, which traditionally has always gone to the oldest girl me.
So I calmly explain my objection, and, long story short, my sister and I aren't speaking.
Hmm, the bikinis barely got me through that one.
There's no way I can make it through this weekend without saying something I'll regret or possibly biting that dang ring off my sister's finger.
Right, like Gollum from Lord Of The Rings.
I don't know what that is because I'm pretty.
Sara, you'll be fine.
Okay, this is what friends are for.
Yeah, we're going to get you through this weekend.
Really? Yeah.
We won't let you say or do anything bad.
We'll be like Tom Cruise's first publicist.
Mm, he was great.
Okay.
I mean, with enough friends and vodka, - I can get through anything.
- Yes! I feel like starting a chant right now.
But I've been burned before.
Oh, go ahead.
When I say Mardi, you say Gras.
- Mardi - Gras.
- Mardi - Gras.
going down to Louisiana Louisiana, here I come going down to Louisiana Louisiana, here I come they got some pretty little women there Ah, there's my girl! Hi.
- Honey.
- Come on in.
Hey, how you doing? - Hi.
Riley.
- Hi.
Let me show you all to your rooms.
- Great.
- All right.
Hey, Grace.
You look really beautiful.
You're literally not speaking to me.
Okay.
All right, now come on, you two, and hug.
There's no problem so big, it's more important than family.
Your face looks puffy.
Your skin looks blotchy.
Now, see, isn't that better? Oh, thank God I didn't take Sara's advice and go to college.
My friends are up to their necks in STDs and student loans and Instead, I'm am carrying this precious little baby girl.
So, Sara, has your love life gotten better in Chicago? Gotten better? It's gotten awesome.
I just went on a great date last week.
I'm getting hungry.
You want to get breakfast? You know what sounds good? French toast.
Do you like French toast? Hello? Oh, crap! Well, don't worry.
I'm sure you still have time to find someone before it all shuts down on you.
You can get a foreign baby like that Angelina Jolie.
I mean, you can be 70 and adopt a foreign baby.
There you go.
You could be 70.
I'm 20 freakin' 8.
I have plenty of time to find a man.
And when I do, he's going to be awesome.
Oh, and if he does have a name like John, his middle name is going to be a different name, like Carl.
And for the record, when I do have a kid, he or she is going to run circles around your stupid baby.
Who's ready for Mardi Gras? Man, Mardi Gras.
What a beautiful sight.
Hey, I might get a little misty-eyed here, fellas.
I mean, the history, the music, the pageantry.
The boobies.
The boobies.
Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! Wow! How do we end this? - You give me beads.
Whoo-hoo! - Don't have any beads.
Well, I'll hold here while you go get some, baby.
Whoo-hoo! I don't know where to get beads.
I don't know what the bead to breast exchange rate is.
I-I I-I-I'm I have $20.
What kind of a girl do you think I am? Creep.
Uh, okay, we got a problem here.
We are bead-less at Mardi Gras.
Okay, that's the third vendor I've been to, and they're all sold out.
Guys, chill out.
Tonight is going to be epic.
Besides, you know I've got your back.
Check it out, boys.
Riley, you are a true friend.
Uh, beads here.
Got your beads.
No, please, please, no, I have a real thing with sudden nudity.
It's not Okay, how are you not having a good time? This whole thing makes me very uncomfortable.
There's breasts and there's oysters, there's A man just yelling at people from stilts.
What is the organizing principle here? Okay, you know what? Here, Aaron, this is a hurricane.
Hurricane, this is Aaron.
You two are going to be very good friends.
To Mardi Gras.
Oh, my goodness! That smells like my mom when she kissed me good night.
Wow! Wow, that is strong even for me.
I'd better not end up on Girls Gone Wild.
Mmm.
Come on.
I feel terrible about what I said.
Oh, come on, don't beat yourself up.
Hey, when I was eight, my little brother got a new baseball mitt.
I took it and I buried it in the backyard and never told him.
He was good, too.
Yeah, you were eight.
I'm 28, and I'm acting like a total baby.
Well, you know, you have been waiting your whole life for that ring, so it's not crazy to be a little jealous.
There's no way I'm going to be able to turn things around with Grace.
Or you could totally turn things around with Grace.
How? Tomorrow at the baby shower, you give the most heartfelt toast anyone has ever heard.
I don't know.
Come on, I've gotten out of some pretty sticky situations because of a toast.
So here's to Officer Haggar, a cop among policemen.
Is that an open container? And now the cop and I are friends on Facebook.
Well, I can't make things any worse.
Will you help me? I'll sit by you and eat.
Perfect.
Hey, all right! Here you go.
That's from both of us.
Okay, I think I nailed it.
"As the Irish say, there are good ships and there are wood ships, but" What are you doing? It took kind of a weird turn at the end there.
No, what are you doing? Tell me you're not eating the King Cake.
Um Holy crap, you're eating the King Cake? It is kind of the king of all cakes.
Or are you saying that I'm the king, and this is my cake? No, the King Cake.
You make it to celebrate Mardi Gras.
The baker usually puts a little trinket in there for someone to find.
Only in this case So, we're gonna put grandma's ring right into the king cake.
And then we're going to make sure I get the right piece.
Isn't that fun? So fun.
Okay, okay, we'll just cut off the piece you ate and cover it with frosting.
No one will ever know.
Yeah, that's a good plan.
It's just, um, you know, the piece I ate was all of it.
The ring's inside you? I don't know.
You're the doctor.
Oh! How could you swallow the ring without knowing it? I can't explain my process, I was in the zone.
People are getting here at noon tomorrow.
What are we going to do? All right, you are going to bake a new cake tomorrow morning - Yeah? - I'm gonna pass that ring.
That is the craziest idea you've ever had.
What? No, no.
I've had way crazier ideas.
I just think he'll be more fun than a dog.
It's going to be awesome.
Ah! Let's go to the shooting range.
What if it doesn't come in time? Not a problem.
See, this is where I save the day.
I am so regular that if I was a superhero, I would be Craptain America.
But just in case.
You are going to take a Tri-Delt's best friend.
All right.
But just so you know, this is a little insulting for a man of my talents.
For real.
All right.
Mmm! What? I want another hurricane! Because New Orleans needs more hurricanes! I love drunk Aaron.
He should get off Prozac and just become a straight-up alcoholic.
Open up a tab.
You're crazy.
Riley, I'm liberated.
I want to say all the things that are on my mind that I truly feel.
Like, right now.
Hey, hey, hey, Riley.
Oyster shots.
Now.
Hold that thought, Aaron.
Fitz has been blabbing about oyster shots all night.
I'll be right back.
I don't know, I'm not big on oysters.
Come on, Riley.
You make a good point.
Let's do it.
All right, three in a row.
Ready go.
Flash me if you must; I am not afraid anymore.
Riley, ho! Hey, Riley.
So, where was I? Ah, yes.
I was going to say that among all the thousands of scantily clad women from all over the world that are here, you are the most beautiful woman inside.
Oh, that's so sweet.
So, here's what's going to happen.
First, I'm going to lean in for a kiss.
Then you are going to lean in for a kiss.
And then we are going to meet right There.
Okay? We'll let God do the rest.
Whatever you say.
Hey, check it out.
Look who got some liquid courage.
Hey, that girl kind of looks like you.
Yeah, maybe if you're plastered.
Whoa.
What? My tummy feels really weird.
Uh-oh.
We'd better Hey, wait, wait.
It's over here.
Come on.
I'm not going to make it.
Yeah, you have to make it.
You know how hard it is to get oyster out of carpet? This feels so right.
I totally agree.
What's up? I got to get in there.
That's not going to happen, bro.
No, this is an emergency.
Yeah, so is this.
Riley is ear-deep in the toilet bowl right now.
Damn.
Where's the other bathroom? I don't know.
Probably in Sara's parents' bedroom.
Damn! What am I gonna do? I took a laxative.
Why'd you do that? To help Sara.
Man, your thing is messed up.
Who is that? Hey.
It's Ben.
Oh.
Hey, Ben.
Hey.
Early riser, huh? Yeah.
Just, you know, some stuff I wanted to do.
Oh.
You're up, which means your wife's up.
And she's not in the bathroom? Well, now, that's a tad personal.
But no, no, she's sleeping.
Okay.
Good talk.
Uh, do you ever think about time, Ben? Not really.
I'll see you around.
Uh, have a seat, Ben.
You know, just yesterday, Grace was just a little girl, and and now she's gonna be a mama.
Wow.
And And I'm gonna be a granddad.
So cool.
I just have all these feelings building up inside.
I I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Ooh.
I'm right there with you.
Yep.
Coffee, Ben? No.
No.
Uh-uh.
Thank you.
Okay, so I'm almost done with the dough.
So drop the ring into this cup of peroxide, and let's not make eye contact.
- I don't have a ring for you.
- What? Your dad wanted to bond with me, so I missed my window.
What happened to Craptain America? Well, he turned into Mr.
Freeze.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
I need that ring, Ben.
I already called Grace's baby stupid, and I don't think there's a toast in the world that's gonna make up for you eating a three-carat sapphire.
Well, what are you going to do, carve it out of me with a spatula? No.
I did bring my medical kit.
What's your pain threshold? Oh, come on.
You know what? Yeah.
Whatever happens next is on you.
I'm fine with that.
Hey.
Hey.
There you are.
Wow.
What an amazing night.
I had such a great time.
I didn't.
You didn't? The whole thing was just really disgusting.
Wow.
I kind of hoped that you'd had as good a time as I did.
Ew.
Not even close.
As soon as I got back, the vomiting started.
You know what? I finally know what it means to truly regret something in life.
That seems extreme.
Hey, Fitz.
How was your night? It was okay, relatively.
I just felt bad for Riley, though.
She told you about last night? Told me? Man, I was there the whole time.
What? Yeah.
I mean, somebody had to hold her hair and rub her back to get her through it.
Okay.
I have to say, guys, this is really starting to hurt my feelings.
How is this about you? I was the one bent over and crying all night.
Because I was there! Well, if you were there, I could not tell.
Man! Oh, man.
I can't believe this is happening.
What if what if I never do it again? This is going to be the best baby shower.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Are you making a cake? But but, sweetie, we already have the ca Sara, what happened to the king cake? Where is my ring? There was a robbery.
The recession.
Voodoo people.
No.
No.
I I ate the ring.
Sara, how could you? Me? He confessed.
I did nothing.
I was just writing a stupid toast so you wouldn't be mad at me, and Ben accidentally ate the ring.
Oh, like you didn't put him up to it.
Yes, you're right.
I came down to Louisiana to smuggle the ring back inside Ben.
You know, I was going to put it in a box or a bag, but then I thought Ben's colon would be so much more diabolical.
Well, I hope you're happy, Sara, because you have ruined my baby shower, you-you ruined grandma's ring, and you Oh, my God.
Something's happening.
Oh, my God.
Something's happening.
- What? - What? - Sara, what's going on? - Your water just broke.
You're going into labor.
And you What? Drank an entire bottle of laxative.
I have no idea what's going to happen to you.
Grace, you're coming with me.
Ben, go use the bathroom in the garage.
There's a bathroom in the garage? Aaron, why are you acting so weird? You're the one who got lucky last night.
Well, I can't really enjoy myself if the person that I got lucky with spent the rest of the evening vomiting.
Oh, my God.
She did? I understand that we're in the South, but why are you talking about yourself in the third person? Aaron! I'm here.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Gosh, it's good to see you.
Who are you? I'm Caroline.
I mean, you called me Riley all night, but I figured that was just your pet name for me.
I called you you So I thought that you Oh, gosh! This is a relief.
And totally awful.
Oh, man.
So so you came here to Meet me Because you told me all about the baby shower, - and I promised to be here.
- Right.
And that means that last night, Riley, you Puked up oyster shots.
Oh, that is the best news ever.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Riley.
- Yes? - Yeah? No.
Sorry.
Caroline.
- Yeah.
- Come with me for a second.
What a What a great situation.
Gosh.
Wow.
Last night was really incredible.
And I'm going to say this as honestly and politely as I can.
I don't remember ever meeting you or who you are or anything about you.
Can I at least keep the puppy? - Yes.
- Great.
Smooth.
Very smooth.
Just keep breathing the way I showed you.
I don't need you to tell me when to get married, and I don't need you to tell me how to breathe, dang it! Fine.
Don't breathe.
But I need you to push.
No! I don't want to! Well, you're starting to crown.
If you don't push, you're going to walk around for the rest of your life with a baby head between your legs.
I'm out.
I'm out! Just, for once in your life, can you listen to me? - I'm a doctor.
- I know! Okay? Everyone in the whole town knows you're a bleeping doctor, and I'm just the dumb hick with a GED and a quote/unquote "stupid baby.
" I'm sorry.
I said that because I'm jealous.
You are? Of course, I am.
Sara, be more specific.
Um, you're beautiful, you're in love, and you're going to have a family.
Hold on.
We got company.
All right, this is it, Grace.
Push.
I love you! I love you, too.
I'm out.
Out again.
Oh! Now, this is my first baby shower.
That I'm aware of.
How could you have thought that girl was me? Well, in my defense, I also thought that the guy dressed as an alligator was an alligator.
He eventually talked me out of it.
Everybody, I'd like y'all to meet my first grandbaby.
Isn't she beautiful? She looks just like me before I got this haircut.
My Gracie did such a great job.
Well, I couldn't have done anything without my big sister.
Aw.
That's true, but I'm so happy for you.
And I'm an aunt.
Aunt Sara.
Old Aunt Sara.
You are not old, okay? You see, all those women on Sex And The City are like 50, and they're still carrying on like the world's on fire.
Hi, baby.
I know you're sleeping, but Remember, if a guy on match.
com tells you he's an entrepreneur, he will rob your apartment.
Everybody, I got it.
Wow.
You just officially ruined Lord Of The Rings for me.
I soaked it in peroxide, and then I poured bleach all over it, then I cleaned it, and then I got sick, and then I laid there for a while.
But, Grace, I want to give this to you.
You know, Sara, I think that you should really have it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Mom wants you to have it.
Yeah, but she should have given it to you.
Hey, ladies, I moved heaven and earth to get this thing out, okay, so it's going on the finger of a pretty lady.
I'll take it.
Oh.