Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

What a racket.
They charge, like, a bazillion dollars for a dress you wear once.
You want one, don't you? Totally.
I have such a bridal boner right now.
- Okay, you guys ready? - I'm coming out.
Yay.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Why do you have to have everything? Seriously, you're gorgeous.
If I didn't love you, I would hate you right now.
You guys, I think this is the one.
I think it is.
You ladies have so much to celebrate.
You're getting married, you're having a baby, and you you're the supportive friend.
You know, in some cultures, a woman your age would be put on an ice floe and pushed out to sea.
And I have plenty to celebrate.
I have a date with a very hot guy.
- Will's trainer? - Yup.
It's our third date, so I will be getting bench-pressed.
If you know what I mean.
Worst sex of my life! Ugh.
Dead eyes, wet kisser, pokey fingers.
It was like a kid playing "Chopsticks" on the piano, except the piano was my va We get it! I'm surprised Zac was so bad in bed.
He's such a great trainer, you'd think, you know, it would translate somehow.
Have you ever had a Jack Russell terrier hump your leg? This was faster and more humiliating.
Oh, what a good hug.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hi, Charlie.
Hi, Mom.
How'd it go? Oh, we had a wonderful day together.
Didn't we, Charlie? "But the house is so cold.
Gran-gran's worried I could get the sneezie-weezies.
" Temperature's fine, Barbara.
"I guess Daddy's pwide is more important than my health.
" Here we go.
Come on.
Let's go see the giraffe.
Thank you so much for your time, Mom.
We really appreciate it.
Oh, it's my pleasure, honey.
You know, I just talked to Diane Shupak.
Her son is going through a divorce.
- He's a judge.
- Mom, I am married to Bobby.
That's why pencils have erasers.
Okay, bye.
God, she's so annoying.
Seriously.
Don't talk about my mom like that.
You always say my mom's annoying.
That's 'cause she is annoying.
All right, look, I know this is a sensitive subject, but maybe it's time we hire someone to help us.
With the new baby coming, it might be nice to have - a little extra help.
- Well, if we need the help, my mom said that she could come every day.
And here I thought being burned alive was my biggest fear.
Look, I know that my mom isn't perfect but she is trustworthy and reliable and free.
No, she's not free.
She comes with a price.
A big, passive-aggwessive pwice.
Bobby, I'm, like, insanely pregnant.
I-I just, I don't have the energy for interviews and call references.
All right, well, look, if I did all the work, would you at least be open to sitting down with somebody? But that means that one of us needs to talk to her.
"One of us" is never you.
So the truth is, Andi and I feel like we've become too reliant on you.
So, as much as it pains me to say it, we're gonna hire a nanny.
Anyhoo, uh this is great news for you, too, because now you'll have more time to pursue your many interests, like sending meals back at restaurants and tracking where drafts come from.
You're an angry, angry ginger-man.
And I'm free.
So, uh how much longer do you want me to do this warm-up run for? It-It's been 30 minutes.
30 minutes, 60 minutes what does it matter? It matters if I have a heart attack.
I'm sorry, I just haven't been myself since I got Kate's text.
I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Let me get your opinion.
"It's over.
Best of luck.
" I'm sorry, Will.
I don't really feel up to finishing our session.
Zac, come on, I need you, man.
I'm-I'm back in the dating world again.
You should see the guys I'm competing with.
Dude, you're a friend; you got to help me out here.
I'm spiraling.
My bad.
All right, if I help you out with this whole Kate thing, will you be able to train me again? Dude, I'll train you so hard, they'll be able to see your muscles from space.
Well, then you, my friend, are gonna have to, uh change some things up in the bedroom.
I didn't hear anyone complaining.
Well, I did.
- Kate.
- Oh, man! That's the worst person you could have said.
Yeah, listen, hey, don't worry about it, man.
I know women.
Right.
They say no one knows women better than a gay man.
I'm not gay.
I understand.
Whenever you're ready, bro.
No, I'm not gay.
I mean, I'm stylish, but that doesn't necessarily mean I You know, never mind.
The point is, I'm also a gynecologist.
I literally have a PhD in vagina.
You willing to listen and learn? Absolutely.
When do we start? Right now.
You ever play "Chopsticks" on the piano? Of course.
Don't ever do it again.
Well, I did it! After a day of extensive interviews, I found us a perfect nanny.
- Mm.
- Degree in child development, grad student at UCLA, tons of experience.
Fantastic! When do I get to meet her? How about now? I mean, Charlie loved her so much, he wouldn't let her leave the interview.
- Oh.
- Emma? Hi.
I'm Emma, but all my friends call me Emmie.
Oh.
Are those your friends? Ah.
Oh, gosh.
Charlie undid my button.
Oh.
Charlie's first button! Jules, tell me you haven't ordered the wedding dress yet.
No, not yet.
I love it, but it's so expensive, so I'm still thinking about it.
Okay, well, think no more, because I have the perfect dress.
Mom sent it from Australia.
This dress has been in our family for years.
Darling, you can be a part of the grand tradition.
Oh, this is so fun! - I'm gonna try this on.
- Do it.
Ah, Kate, I need a favor.
No.
You don't even know what I'm gonna ask.
I can tell by your spastic sprint and your needy stare.
I'm not interested.
Listen, I got to have my trainer back, and he can't work because of you.
Well, I can't work because of him.
Do you know that he licked his finger and traced it around my mouth? Like some kind of saliva lip gloss.
I have to live with that.
Just give him one more chance.
He spit-glossed me, Will! Fine, but, look, the truth is Wait.
I-I can't tell you that.
I'd be I'd be betraying his confidence.
Please, feel free, betray.
Okay.
But, listen, you promise not to say anything? He told me the reason he was so nervous and off his game is 'cause he thinks you're just so incredibly hot.
That makes sense.
Go on.
Yeah, so, you know, he just got all up in his head.
I really think you should give him another chance.
Well, he is packing a python.
Hey.
Did you find a nanny? - Yes.
- No.
Let me ask you guys.
Should we hire a super hot nanny? - Definitely not.
- No! - Well, well, hold on! Are you suggesting that we deny this poor woman a job in the house that I live in just because she's hot? How can you even be considering this? It's like asking for trouble, and then paying for it.
This is outrageous.
"Should we hire a hot nanny?" Even the question is offensive.
If you replaced the word "hot" with "black" or "Jewish," we would not be having this conversation.
Come on, Will.
Oh, it's fine for the hots to model our swimsuits, but God forbid we let them care for our children.
Look, I don't care what she looks like, all right? I just want to hire the best person for the job.
And out of all the people that I met, Emmie by far had the best credentials.
Did she have really big credentials? Okay, so if I find someone with better credentials, who doesn't look like "Emmie," you'll be just as excited? Absolutely.
No.
All right.
Here I come.
Aw, darling, spectacular.
What a vision! I got to call my mum! What is happening? It's Lowell's great-grandmother's wedding dress.
That she was buried in? Hey! How's it going, buddy? Hey, man, how are you? Charlie? Hi.
Hi.
Who are you? This is our new nanny, Sam.
Oh.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Word, please? Are you serious? You said if I found someone with better credentials, I should hire him.
Him? I never said anything about a him.
Where'd you find this guy anyway? Spraying cologne at the Beverly Center? Actually, he has a master's in child development, and he's the oldest of seven siblings, so he has plenty of experience.
He's perfect.
Yeah, well, I can see why you think he's perfect.
Oh, please.
I just want what's best for our son.
Who wants to meet the tickle monster? I do! I mean, Charlie does.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle I mean, it is a whole new world having a nanny.
I actually had time to take a shower this morning.
You know, you do look quite nice, actually.
Mm.
She's dressing up for the nanny.
What are you even That's crazy.
It's great.
You shaved your legs for the first time in six months.
I wish it were for me, but I'll take what I can get.
Wow, seven years of marriage, and the romance is still white-hot.
Hello, hello.
So, gave Zac another chance, and guess how many orgasms he gave me.
I don't like this game.
Three.
The best of my life.
I didn't have to teach him a thing.
It's so weird.
He was completely different this time.
What? Uh You're welcome.
What do you mean? Well, I gave Zac a few tips during our training session.
So, uh, by the transitive property, it is I who rocked your world.
I who gave you all those orgasms.
How-how is that even possible? It's not.
He didn't.
Oh, but I did.
I pulled the strings.
I am the puppet master.
His extremities were but a mere extension of my will.
Thrust, thrust, turn around, thrust.
Oh, stop it! It is not true.
You are not good in bed.
- I'm great in bed.
- Please.
I have seen you dance, I've seen you eat, I've watched you rollerblade.
You are bad at everything.
Look, in Will's defense, the man is a gynecologist.
I mean, most people spend eight hours a day in a cubicle.
Our cubicle is a vagina.
It's true.
He has amazing skills.
I almost feel bad that he doesn't get to use 'em, but then I just have a snack and forget all about that.
I'm sorry, but there is no way mere words could achieve that kind of result.
You think you pep-talked my eyes into the back of my head? I think I did.
I know you didn't.
I'm sure I did.
I'm positive you didn't.
Let's just agree to disagree.
I disagree and will not agree.
Careful.
What the puppet master giveth, the puppet master can taketh away.
God, all of this talk about sex is making me Hungry? You just get me.
I don't understand.
It's like you want me to do the opposite of what I did before.
Exactly.
See, Kate craves variety.
Sex with her has to be a constantly moving stream of feelings and sensations and colors.
That's weird, 'cause it seemed like she just wanted it really hard.
Right.
So now it must be soft.
All right.
Here's a hot-ass move.
Try tracing your fingers around her face slowly in the shape of a heart.
This might be why you think I'm gay.
You can't seriously wear that gothic nightmare of a dress.
The other one was so perfect.
Well, I-I care more about Lowell than any dress.
Why? Because I love him.
And this dress is a family tradition, so I'm going to make it work.
It just needs to be altered and dry-cleaned.
And burned.
Where are you going? Nowhere.
Why are you dressed like Tina Turner? What are you talking about? These are my normal around-the-house, hangout clothes.
- Ah - Ah It was you.
Whatever do you mean? You undid Zac.
Did I? Soft forehead kisses? Meaningful stares? He face-hearted me, Will.
It took me half an hour to convince him to go back to what he did before.
The puppet master tooketh away.
Keep your hand out of my puppet, Will! All right, ready for bath time? Rub a dub dub.
I'll see you guys up there.
My feet.
My back.
My feet.
My back.
Almost forgot Splashy Duck.
Oh, no.
Not Splashy Duck.
Barbara? I'm just leaving a little gift for Charlie.
You want to come in? Oh, I'd love to, Robert.
But I think it would be less painful for the child if you let the memory of me just fade away.
But you left him a gift.
I didn't sign the card.
Just tell him it's from a friend.
Let's cut to the chase, Barbara.
I mean, you're Charlie's grandmother.
You want to see Charlie, that's great.
But I don't have to put up with your passive- aggressiveness anymore.
Because we don't need you.
Our new nanny is fantastic.
He takes amazing care of Charlie, he doesn't complain about the temperature, and he doesn't stop up the toilet.
That's right, Barbara.
I know.
Yeah.
You ever do something you've been waiting forever to do? We need to fire Sam.
- What? - Yeah.
Do you realize how exhausting it is to look like this every day? So don't look like this.
I can't walk around in front of him like I do in front of you.
- It's embarrassing.
- So let me get this straight.
Because of your hormonal insanity, we have to get rid of a perfectly good nanny? And you know who we need? Emmie? The devil we know is better than the devil we don't.
The devil.
I miss my mother, Bobby.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need you to come back.
I take no pleasure in seeing you like this.
No, no.
That's not you at all.
But humility is a good color on you.
Do you want to come back or not? The thermostat goes no lower than 73, Thanksgiving's at my house for the next three years, and you're sending me on a cruise.
I do like the thought of you in the middle of an ocean.
So you're never gonna talk to Will about our sex life again.
- Never.
- From now on, it's just the two of us.
The two of us.
Don't forget about me.
You seem to be enjoying yourself.
No! What's wrong? Nothing.
Sorry.
As you were.
Look at that, we're about to have sex.
You like my tight little body? Stop it! Ah, stop it! Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
It's not you.
It's him! All right, we better get going.
- You're my ride, so - All right, well, I'd better go, too.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You can't go.
You haven't seen Jules in her wedding attire yet.
The accessories have arrived! Ah I didn't know there were accessories.
I don't know, Jules.
Feel like you're showing a little too much ankle.
Mm.
Tell me, was it scary when the Titanic went down? You look like Miss Tuberculosis 1853.
Guys, it's not funny.
I am a part of the great Peddit family tradition.
Yes, you are.
The great Peddit family tradition of pranking the bride.
What? It's just a joke! A joke? Wow.
What a douche move.
I love it.
All right, you got me.
Welcome to the family, man.
I thought I became a part of the family a while ago.
- Nope, just now.
- No.
- Yeah.