Funland (2005) s01e07 Episode Script

1 What kind of a fucked-up, freakish town is this? I'm gonna fuck you all night long.
I've fucked you, I might as well fuck him.
FRANNY: Don't let them have it.
I'm trying to find out what happened to my mother.
Maybe I can help you.
Oddbod! What'd you do to her? - Do you believe? - I believe! It was Van Kneck.
Van Kneck's the one who knew her.
AMBROSE: I'm innocent of those charges.
HITMAN 1: Remember us? You gonna let her do this? You will love it.
I am knowing you will love it.
Clear the room.
Get everyone out.
SHIRLEY: Not you! Shirley, this is your area of expertise.
We have a dead body, a gun-happy whore.
Suggestions, please.
- I didn't mean to.
- VAN KNECK: Oh, no, of course you didn't, love.
We'll explain that to The Surgeon.
- DUDLEY: The who? - His brother.
A Finnish killer with ice for blood.
He's due here first thing.
- I'll go to the police.
- No police.
We have to dump the body.
And what good's that going to do, eh? I mean, he was seen here.
Cavorting, imbibing.
The Surgeon knows that.
No, wewe have to give him something.
A sacrifice.
Perhaps a body.
She was drunk.
He made advances.
She slaughtered him and then took her own life.
CARTER: Whoa! Whoa! Forget it.
We need to clean him up, get him out of here.
Make it look like he left here alive.
How are you going to do that? Give him a can of Red Bull? - He's got no foot or face.
- CARTER: You could fake it.
VAN KNECK: Thank you, Brain of Britain.
I prefer my plan.
You could patch him up.
Take him out and about.
He's pissed, on the razzle.
Goes for a swim, passes out, gets washed out to sea.
All that's left is a pile of clothes and a little photo in his pocket.
Him enjoying the sights down the Pleasure Beach.
That puts you all in the clear.
VAN KNECK: The Surgeon arrives on a plane from Varkaus at 11:07 a.
m.
- Fine.
We patch him up tonight.
- SHIRLEY: How? I know someone.
A specialist.
He'll help.
He owes me.
- I say we kill her now and have done with it.
- Keen on murder, are you? All right.
Get going.
- What? - Well, I can't manage him on me own.
- You.
Help him.
- Me? Why me? I haven't done anything.
Just do it.
Come on! - What, what about the girl? - She stays here.
No-No.
I have to I have to go to the police.
I have to tell someone.
- It's all my fault.
- You can't.
You understand? I'm not staying here.
Not with that.
With them.
I'm not.
Listen, let her come with us.
I'll keep an eye on her.
One squeeze of the trigger and all our problems are gone.
Don't fuck it up.
That's 150 guests.
We could have it at the Winter Gardens.
Or a novelty do at the Sea Life Centre.
Then there's the ceremony.
Carter's really religious.
I've got to find the last vicar of Ambrose Chapel.
- Do you know him? - What? - The last vicar of Ambrose Chapel.
- No, Ruby, I don't.
That place hasn't been a church for the last 25 years.
Where am I gonna find him? Try Missing Persons.
What the fuck are you doing with that? I'm on retreat.
Get her off the street.
(Rowdy singing) Come on, you lads.
Dudley? (Mobile phone ringing) - Ruby? - I really need to see you.
I've got something to ask you.
Tomorrow? Lovely.
Can't wait.
Something had to be done.
I'm doing it.
You'll have to handle the girl.
- Forget the girl.
- She's a loose cannon.
She could be off down Bonny Street right now, spilling her guts out.
- She won't.
- How do you know? You want The Surgeon paying you a home visit? You want Mercy getting a whiff of this? Bridewell? - Bridewell? - I'm making my move.
Who's to say whose feathers might get ruffled? Listen, you arrogant little prick.
We clean up this mess, we lose the body, you send The Surgeon packing.
Where are you going? Home.
You and Fu Manchu can finish up.
I'll deal with the body.
What about the girl? I'll take a view.
(Door creaking) I don't know what the world is coming to, Mr Finch.
A decent man like yourself assaulted in his own home.
And your doll, too.
We've been through a lot together, Sancho and me.
I understand.
I'm an artiste myself.
Amateur dramatics.
I just played Anne of Cleves, actually.
The title role.
(Door opening) Dudley.
Where's my daughter? -We went to a party.
- Well, where is she? Because I haven't finished with her, not by a long chalk.
- She stayed behind.
- What? At the party.
I came back alone.
- It was nothing to do with me.
- What wasn't? I'm going to bed.
AMBROSE: Ja, it's possible.
Of course, it's possible.
Flesh is flesh is flesh.
All can be preserved.
But is it ethical? The man was a murderer.
A cold-hearted killer.
It was self-defense.
Well, I work with a lot of animals, as you know.
I find fish cannot be trusted.
They turn so quickly in the heat.
There is substantial damage to the left ocular orbit.
The right foot is nearly destroyed.
Four out of five metatarsals obliterated.
Only a fragment of calcaneus remains.
What did you shoot him with? A bazooka? Please.
Look, he just needs to be seen alive tomorrow.
Then he's gone.
He's history.
(Mobile phone ringing) You have shown me kindness.
A man does not forget.
He will be my masterpiece.
SHIRLEY: It's all in hand.
CONNIE: No.
No, it isn't.
You said you'd deal with that evil old sow.
Now look.
- There's a dead body.
Blood everywhere.
- I can deal with Mercy.
How many fucking times have I heard that? - Take that gun, finish it.
- No.
I'm not laying a finger on her.
I'll sort her out but I'll do it my way.
- What about the girl? - She'll be fine.
How do you know? Who is she, anyway? Why was she here the other day? What was she doing at the club? Business.
You've fucked her, haven't you? No.
Swear on the baby.
I swear.
Look, I told you.
Before the party, Vienna was the first girl I went near for six months.
You're the only one I want.
Your duty is to protect me and your unborn child.
Deal with your mother.
Take care of that girl.
(Knocking at door) You all right? Look.
Your husband, he he just got scared.
It's understandable.
Try and get some sleep.
- What about you? - I'll be fine over there.
FRANNY: Danger.
Blackpool.
(Screaming) FRANNY: Don't let them have it.
Erno want his cherry now.
Oh! It is finished.
He is reborn.
(Mobile phone ringing) Why have I never before tried my skills on the human form? To feel a man's flesh beneath my fingers.
Restore the colour to his skin.
To be as a god.
Where are you? The girl? She's fine.
She's good.
Take her back to the Shangri-la.
Then dump the body.
Up past the Imperial.
Cliff Pavilion.
The current's vicious there.
The Surgeon will be here by 12:00.
I have put him on the roller skates to ease your journey.
You see, he moves quite easily back and forth.
Back and forth.
Good luck, my friend.
I can't do this alone.
Let's go.
VALERIE: I took the liberty.
You know what you need, Mr Finch? Looking after.
(Door opening) (Footsteps approaching) (Toilet flushing) (whimpering) Please.
Don't kill me.
VAN KNECK: I only took the room till 10:00.
I didn't expect we'd be mopping up human viscera.
- Keep calm.
You must keep calm.
- Don't go all Buddha on me.
Just scrub.
The Surgeon arrives in three hours.
(Mobile phone ringing) I want that carpet spotless.
Van Kneck.
I am here.
The Surgeon.
-Will she stand up? - Yes, definitely, yes.
You sure about that? Oh, yes.
She's very strong.
She's a very strong girl.
-Will she go to the cops? - No.
You wouldn't be saying that to please me, would you? No.
'Cause if you are, and she does, I'll hold you responsible.
She-she does sometimes err on the careful side.
We found £5 once outside a police station and she gave it in.
I told her not to bother.
If people can't look after their money, it's not our look-out, is it? (Fairground music playing) I don't like white-knuckle rides.
Keep your head upright.
Stare straight in front of you.
Scream when it takes off.
-Will that help? - For the camera.
(Screaming) I couldn't believe it when you called.
I think about you all the time.
I keep getting done at work.
I'm all distracted.
I've lost keys to two sets of handcuffs.
- I miss you, Ruby.
- Do you? - Don't you miss me? - Well, no.
Not really.
- I've got a new boyfriend.
- What? We're getting married.
That's why I wanted to meet you.
I need you to find someone for me.
A missing vicar.
But you said you loved me.
I do love you, Chris.
I do.
Like a friend.
Like a sister.
But I've still got feelings for you.
You can't if I'm like your sister.
It's not right.
(Screaming) I'll do it, Ruby.
I'll find out what I can.
But that's the last time you'll hear from me.
Ever.
Well, what if I do a crime and you arrested me? You'd have to speak to me then.
I really, really liked you.
Do you not want that doughnut? He's here, Shirley.
I don't know.
He must have got an earlier flight.
Well, get them to hurry up.
And-and listen.
When they dump the body, tell them to put bricks in his pockets.
Heavy ones.
We don't want a bloated corpse washing up come the Illuminations.
Good morning.
The Surgeon's here.
He's early.
You've got half an hour.
Carter? I can't believe it's you.
It's all going brilliant.
I'm picking up the wedding dress later.
I'm onto that vicar.
- Who's this? - Judith.
This is her boyfriend and my best man, Steven.
Pleased to meet you.
- Yeah, Look.
We're in a bit of a rush.
- What's up with him? Nothing.
Nothing's up with him.
- Why's he grinning at me? Is he taking the mick? -No.
- Hey, ignorant - No, no.
Leave him.
Leave him.
He's a bit simple.
- He's pissed.
- He better not be pissed at our wedding.
Shit, there's our tram.
I'll ring you up.
I love you.
Well, I don't know.
Try pouring salt on it.
Works for red wine.
Well, what about a Stain Devil? Onnittelut.
The devil.
The horned one! Fancy dress.
We're going to a party.
Mr Splitfoot! He has come! He has come! (Grunting) (Splashing) That's that.
(Retching) Shh.
It's all right, it's all right.
It's over.
I killed him.
You can handle it.
(Sobbing) Shh, just leave it.
Leave this to me.
It's done.
How's she holding up? Good.
- Those his clothes? - Yeah, photo's in the pocket.
Well done, son.
I'll take the girl.
- You can make your own way back, yeah? - She can come with me, it's fine.
Don't be silly.
You've done enough.
It's on me way.
Hop in, love.
Let's get going.
(Mobile phone ringing) Where have you been? You said you'd come back.
I need you here now.
Vienna, you out of hours.
Not needed yet.
- Want one? -No.
I cannot eat stoned fruit.
(Creaking) (Heavy breathing) Who's there? Is this the right way? (Gasps) Oh, fuck! They found this photo.
He'd been out enjoying himself.
We've ensured the authorities have been kept at arm's length.
The currents are treacherous here.
This stretch of coast has claimed many lives.
Locals know not to risk it, but to an outsider the Irish Sea can look all too inviting.
As children, we hurt together.
Once, he fell from a larch tree.
I bore the bruise for a week.
Today I woke with an aching head.
Nownothing.
Well, perhaps out of this tragedy some good may yet come.
We could forge a stronger union.
- In memory of Erno.
- No.
This is why I come, Van Kneck.
To terminate.
- Yes, yes.
To terminate Mercy.
- To terminate our shared enterprise.
I have been approached.
There are limited opportunities in this Blackpool.
A payment has been made.
(Car lock beeping) Uh! You look like you need exercise.
Get out.
Vienna.
She tried to protect me.
They killed her.
- Slit her throat like a pig.
-Who were they? - I didn't see their faces.
-Was one of them missing a thumb? I don't know.
I didn't see.
They wanted something.
They thought I had it.
They've seen you coming here.
They said you knew what it was.
- I don't.
- Stop lying.
Something terrible is happening.
It started when you arrived.
- But I don't know.
I don't know anything.
- You must.
Think back.
Your mother.
What did she say to you? What did she give you? We made a deal.
I find out about Van Kneck, you fill me in.
- Van Kneck can't hurt me.
- You sure about that? Shirley's with him, too.
They had some crazy Finn flown in.
The brother's with them now.
You tell me.
My mum.
Who was this man? What did he do to her? You tell me your secret and I'll tell you mine.
You first.
Your mother were raped.
Raped and defiled.
She ran away, took something.
They want it back.
Who did it? - What do they want? - Tell me! It were Van Kneck.
- He raped my mum? - Yes.
He killed her.
Raped her.
And you're the product of their unholy union.
You're his son.