Futurama s01e07 Episode Script

Going through the car wash Come on y'all and sing it with me Car wash Car wash, yeah Ah! Oh! My Three Suns I'm Elzar, welcome to the show.
You don't have to drive to Neptune for great Neptunian food.
We'll kick it up a notch as I show you how to fricassee a mouthwatering Neptunian slug.
While you grease the pan and preheat your oven to 3500 degrees separate the yolk from your enhanced eggplant and give it a blast from your spice weasel.
Bam! Hey, what you watching? - Nothing.
- Is that a cooking show? No, of course not.
It was porno.
Yeah, that's it! I didn't know you liked cooking.
That's so cute.
It's true.
I've been hiding it for so long.
- It's okay.
I like cooking too.
- Pansy.
Your most important ingredient is this baby the Neptunian slug.
You can get it in a can.
But to do things right you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one.
This is why you always want to use cast-iron cookware.
It has come to my attention that we're paying you to loaf on the couch.
You call that a couch? I demand a pillow! If you want to continue to earn a salary you gotta do more than watch cooking shows all day.
- You're gonna be the ship's cook? - We're gonna kick it up a notch.
Bam! I know you like cooking shows, but you are a robot without a sense of taste.
I wouldn't talk about taste, wearing a lime-green tank top.
Bam! - This is Little Neptune? - Yep.
This is the place to get exotic, gourmet ingredients.
Among other things.
Come on, man, don't hold out on me like this.
You want to buy organ? Fresh.
Ready for transplant.
What's this? X- ray eye.
See through anything.
Wait.
This says "Z RAY.
" Z is better.
It is two more than X.
That would be an advantage.
Do you take cash? Be more careful.
You're not in the 20th century.
- You don't know how things work.
- I'm not a kid.
I grew up in this city.
These are my people.
- What up? - Word.
You guys sell every meat except human.
You want human? What's this spice for? Swamp root, makes you irresistible to the opposite sex.
That's ridiculous.
I'll take two pounds.
I'm looking for fresh slug.
- Yellow or purple? - Whatever! Purple causes diarrhea.
Either one is fine.
Have you seen Fry? I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes.
I'll take the gills.
Yes, gills.
You don't need lungs anymore.
Can't imagine why I would.
I take lungs now.
Gills come next week.
Nurse! Let's do it! You may feel small pain.
Thank you.
What were you doing? I said to stay away from them.
Did you ever stop to think I might be happier with gills? - Good news.
- I don't like the sound of that! You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Thank you and good night! Are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone? Of course.
It's just a name.
Like the Death Zone, or the Zone of No Return.
All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.
- Professor- - Off you go.
Pleasant trip.
- Bender, how's dinner coming? - Almost ready.
Ah! Now for a dash of salt.
This is Bender's first meal.
He's a bit sensitive.
Let's be supportive.
- All right! Okay! Oh, dear God! That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted.
I once ate a bowl of salt.
Is this salt water? It's salt with water in it.
My vision's fading.
I'm dying.
There was nothing wrong with it.
The salt level was 1 Oo/o less than a lethal dose.
I shouldn't have had seconds.
Here's the package to deliver.
For once in your life, be careful.
This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror.
I want it to be nice.
- Ow! - Don't touch anything.
Go to the palace and come right back.
I was delivering things before you were born.
I think I know what I am doing.
Stupid slug.
I've never been so thirsty.
Come on, go down already.
Ah! Hello.
Anybody home? The royal bottle is empty.
You drank our emperor.
No! It wasn't me! You drank our emperor.
You assassinated him.
He looked so cool and refreshing.
I am sure he was.
But now he's gone and your fate is sealed.
All hail the new emperor.
Hail! Hail! Hail! After I specifically asked you not to touch anything you drank strange blue liquid? It could've been poisonous.
Chances were equally good it was an emperor.
I am Merg, the high priest.
If I might interject? - You might.
- I humbly advise you choose a prime minister.
I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee.
I will be a forceful administrator.
I've thought of becoming a prime minister.
- I gotta go with Bender.
- In your face, Gorgak.
That's it.
As your captain, I order you back to the ship.
Gee, I better check with my prime minister.
Stay the course, pal.
A package came for you.
Hey, thanks.
This got here just in time.
This is your harem.
You may choose any of these maidens to be your consort.
How about that one? I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
On second thought, I'll take that one.
I'm not here to pass judgment.
Does anyone else think it's odd that a 25-year-old delivery boy could kill the emperor and be rewarded, not punished? Don't beat around the bush.
We know who you mean.
Me, right? Don't worry.
These people seem really mild-mannered.
They are mild.
You're soaking in one right now.
You touched me in ways I've never been touched before.
Ah! There you are.
Time to prepare for tomorrow's coronation.
A fancy-dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell.
He'll be enthroned with the setting of the three suns when we enter our nocturnal phase.
Will there be a lot of speeches? One.
The absolutely flawless recitation from memory of the royal oath, by you.
Will there be cake? Hi.
There you go.
Get ready to laugh till your sides leak with our planet's foremost political satirist Flof.
What's up with people from under the orange sun? They're all: But us guys from under the red sun, we're like: Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Right? Am I right? Yeah, he is right! I have to talk to you.
You're in danger.
You see Emperor Plon here? He met his end when drunk by Emperor Strug.
And before he could even wipe his mouth Strug was drunk by Shwab.
- So? - Look! Do you know what the average length of their reigns was? - Eighty thousand years? - No, one week.
I knew you wouldn't ask unless it was really high or low.
Every emperor ascended to power by assassinating the previous one.
And guess who's next? My assassin will get his.
You're in tremendous danger! Half of them were drunk at their coronation.
I plan on having a few brewskis myself.
No, they were assassinated.
You'll be killed if you fail to recite the oath.
- I'll thumb through that later.
- That's so reckless.
- Don't you ever think ahead? - If I did, I wouldn't be emperor.
I wouldn't be here in 3000.
Like the story of the grasshopper and octopus.
All year the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus watched TV.
The winter came and the grasshopper died.
The octopus ate his acorns and got a race car.
Is any of this getting through to you? Oh, I give up! This time I won't be able to save you.
I told you 100 times to stop treating me like a baby.
Go gather your nuts, you nagging grasshopper.
That's it! I'll never help you again! If anyone except you needs me, I'll be in the ship.
It's not like anyone's gonna drink me.
Quit it! People of Trisol, it is my honor to present your new emperor.
What up? - Stick to the oath.
- Right.
I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous who drank Ungo the Moist who guzzled Zorn the Stagnant who slurped Hudge the Dewy who had a soup of Throm the Chunky do solemnly swear to rule with honor and insanity.
Integrity.
Congratulations, Your Highness.
I now present you with your royal unisex robe.
Long live Fry the Solid.
The suns are setting.
I can finally switch to hard liquor.
Ah! Check out the glowing freaks.
It's beautiful.
Hey, what's that? The emperor Bont! He's still alive.
Of course I'm alive.
Cut this creep open and drain me out.
My tummy hurts.
They're running up the stairs! Shut up, you! Let us in! Fry must die so that Bont may live.
What'll I do? We gotta get the emperor out before they kill you.
I'll spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating out His Highness.
- Won't that crush my bones? - The bones.
I always forget about the bones.
Sweat him out.
I refuse to be dripped out through somebody's armpit.
I can vomit or urinate.
How's that? My favorite so far is the bone-crushing.
- What about crying? - That's a great idea! That or the bone one.
Keep it up, men.
The veneer is starting to peel.
Oh, dear.
I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
I'll make you cry, buddy.
You're a pimple on society's ass! You'll never amount to anything! I was emperor of a planet.
True.
Here's a disturbing reminder: Everyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
These things happen.
Grab a Kleenex for this one: There is no God, and your human ideals are laughable! Phew! That's a load off my mind.
Man, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
- You did your best.
- Up yours, bimbo.
We're in hot butter.
We should call Leela for help.
Cram it, lobster! That is a good idea.
I'll call her.
She's still mad that I told her never to help me.
Leela is not the type to hold a grudge.
Collect call from: I won't give my name to you.
I'll accept.
Fry needs help.
We don't like each other.
- I like you.
- You do? Are you gonna help? I don't know why I should.
Wait, wait.
What is it you like best about me? - Is she coming? - I'm not sure.
But I do know she likes my in-your-face attitude.
What the hell is that? It's the Juice-A-Matic 4000.
It'll strain my juices from you and filter pulp: Your shredded remains.
Why didn't I think of that? This is the saddest day of my life.
And I still can't cry! Wait.
Here comes Leela! They have her totally outnumbered! She's risking her life for me after the way I treated her? I don't deserve this.
I feel terrible.
You do? - Is she all right? - I don't know.
Perhaps I'll look out this window.
Dear God! They're swarming all over.
No! What are you talking about? She's- They are strapping her to the juicer.
They're putting some ice cubes in that glass under it.
This can't be happening.
It can.
And for all you know, it is.
I'm sorry, Fry.
She's dead.
All she ever wanted to do was help me.
And I was too proud and stupid to accept it.
I wish I had died instead of her.
What are you talking about? - You're alive! - Of course I am.
I said you were dead so he'd cry out the emperor.
You wrecked it by surviving.
We only got two drops.
What the-? It's only a matter of time.
I'll handle this.
I think I can get us out of this if you're willing to let me help.
Thanks, Leela.
I'll take all the help you'll give.
I know you want what's best for me.
Ow! What's that for? Come on! - That hurt.
- I know.
Amy, get the bottle.
Ow! - Now I understand.
- Come on, everybody help Fry.
Thanks, everybody.
I love you all.
You guys are true- Cut it out, Bender.
That's a tender area.
- How we doing, Amy? - We're 1/10 of the way there.
Okay, it's your turn.
Wait a minute.
Who are you? I'm the emperor.
Thanks for crying me out.
You're welcome.
Oh! Ooh! Aw! Ow! Save some for me.