Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e07 Episode Script

All right, Walter.
You are all packed for your conference.
Care to hear my opening joke for my talk on schizophrenia? I would love to.
No, I wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
No, I wouldn't.
Shut up.
That's better than what I had.
- Hey, Krandall.
- Hey.
Hi, Allison.
I'm here for the kids.
Oh, no, you packed a bag.
What's the matter? Allison dumped you for someone even older? I'm attending a seminar for the top marriage therapists in the state.
Well, if you guys are all there, who's gonna stay behind and pump false hope into people that have no business staying married? Okay, kids! Your dad's here! Put the wooden dummies of yourselves in your beds and shimmy down the air ducts.
We don't wanna alert the warden.
Allison, are you sure you're gonna be all right spending this weekend alone? Specifically, Saturday.
Of course, Walter.
Don't worry about me.
The 17th is no longer Gary's and my anniversary.
It's just another day.
Don't be surprised if some unexpected feelings bubble to the surface.
You know, anger, resentment, sadness.
Yeah, I think you mean more like joy, relief, freedom and a little bit of this Don't worry, Walter.
I am going to stay home.
I'm gonna put this anniversary behind me.
I'm gonna fix myself a little drink and read this trashy little novel I just bought, Nadia's Secret.
You should also light some candles.
You should draw a bath.
You should pleasure yourself.
- By that, you don't mean - Yes, I do.
The point is you have to reclaim the 17th for Allison.
I wouldn't be surprised if Gary wasn't experiencing some of these unexpected feelings himself.
What, are you kidding me? I mean, Gary hasn't remembered our anniversary once in 15 years.
Why? Why the hell would he remember it now? His subconscious may remind him.
The human mind is complex.
Yeah, well, the Gary mind is powered by a hamster on a wheel, so All right, the kids will be down in a minute.
Gary, don't forget, the kids each have sleepovers on Saturday, the 17th.
Yeah, I know.
You told me last Saturday, the 10th.
So, Gary, what exactly are you doing this Saturday, the 17th? Why do you guys keep asking me about Saturday? What, are you gonna rob me? 'Cause if you are, it'd be kind of silly considering all the good stuff I used to own is here.
Louise.
Louise, honey, if you get homesick at your sleepover, - call your dad, okay? - Okay, Mom.
- Yeah, you, too, Tommy.
- Bye.
Call me, you know, if you get drunk.
Kidding.
Call a cab.
Let's go.
Harris is open.
Harris is open! Yeah! Yes! Hide in the pocket, you get your bell rung, princess.
You know, I'm a pretty lucky guy.
I got a beautiful girlfriend that brings me cold beer and she isn't afraid to talk smack about Brett Favre.
I'd say it to his unshaven face.
I'm a Dolphins girl, remember? I remember.
You know, once Allison and I went to a Dolphins game in Miami in 1996.
- You and Allison, huh? - Yeah.
We were down there because her grandmother passed away.
And thank God the game went into sudden death, otherwise we would have completely forgotten about the funeral.
Hey, Dad, we're hungry.
Didn't I feed you guys twice already today? Wow, you guys are expensive pets, I'll tell you that.
Well, if anyone has any objections to Chinese food, I suggest you try to beat the speed dial.
How about something healthy? Something like salad or fish.
- Or some kind of - Hi, Ming Palace? Hi, how are you? It's Gary.
Yes, well, thank you very much.
There's four of us tonight.
Okay.
Well, I'll see you when you get here.
- You gotta learn to talk faster, Louise.
- Sorry.
I froze.
And you wanna be on Jeopardy!? How does that restaurant know exactly what to bring you just by hearing your first name? Allison and I used to order from here all the time.
Okay, I have something to say.
It's a small thing, but it's starting to get a little irritating.
Oh, my God.
Please don't be an STD.
I've made it to almost 40.
You say "Allison and l" all the time.
Really? What, should it be "Allison and me"? Look out! Look out! No, Gary, you talk about your ex-wife constantly.
It's kind of like she's a part of our relationship.
I mean, all we do, we sit on the couch and we eat take-out food and we talk about stuff that you and Allison used to do.
Well, then this is a big miscommunication 'cause I kind of thought that's what you wanted to do.
Okay, I don't mean to sound conceited, but look at this.
Okay? Look at this.
All right? Men have literally beaten up other men for this.
Complete strangers have bought me food and clothes and drinks.
A guy once offered me a car if I would run through his sprinklers in my sundress.
- Wow.
What kind of car? - My Jeep.
Come on, Gary, take me out.
You know? Just show me off.
You know? Let's just start acting like a real couple.
Hate to break it to you, you kind of ruined the surprise.
What surprise? The surprise of the big fancy dinner I was gonna take you to tomorrow night.
All right, you know, you don't have to say that just because I brought it up.
No, I was going to.
I'm really taking you out to a place.
It's I've been planning on it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you give me a hint? Well, I can't.
I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
But I hope you like food.
See, look, I already said too much.
Is it a cool place? Is it a new place? Is it a cool new place? It's both a cool and a new place.
Okay? And we will not mention anyone's name who happens to be my ex-wife.
- All right? - This is gonna be so great.
I already know what I'm gonna wear.
Okay? You better promise me you're not making this up, though.
Hey, I swear on my kids' lives.
Hey, guys.
Be real careful the next couple of days, okay? - Did you swear on our lives again? - Yeah.
I am tired of tiptoeing through life, Dad.
Gee whiz.
Help yourself, Dennis.
Sorry.
There's no food at my house.
My wife started another diet today.
Why are you so hungry? Well, last night at 11:58, she went on a rampage.
She ate everything in the house.
It was horrible to watch.
There was meat on the ceiling fan.
That's awful.
The worst part is, I can't find my dog.
Hello? Hi, is this How do you pronounce the name of your restaurant? Is it Plah-tay? Really? It's just Plate? That's the best you guys could come up with, was Plate? Well, I would like a reservation for two for tomorrow night.
You're all booked up, huh? Okay.
What I meant to say was I'm calling to confirm a reservation that I already made for tomorrow night.
Yeah, well, I could tell you my name, but it's probably more fun if you guess my name.
Yeah.
Hello? Hello? I've been on the phone for two hours.
Not one restaurant in this guide can fit me in on a Saturday night? - Why did you wait until the last minute? - I've forgotten how to do this, Dennis.
You know, I haven't gone out on a date in 15 years.
I'm out of practice.
The only restaurant I ever used to go to was Leo's with Allison.
Hey, that's what I'll do.
I'll bring Vanessa to Leo's.
That'll be great.
No.
Don't take her to Leo's, man.
And don't get me wrong, I enjoy their leftovers, but you and Allison ate there like 100 times.
I know, that's why it's perfect.
The food's good, I know the maître d', there's no bathroom attendant, so it's free to pee.
It'll be great.
And the last time I was at Leo's was a long time ago.
It was Last time I was there was mine and Allison's anniversary.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What? I totally forgot.
I'm an idiot.
We gotta pick up the paint for that job on Arlington.
- Man, you have a great memory.
- Thank you, brother.
You know, Allison never thought so.
Okay.
Here's to you, the 17th.
You are no longer a day of any significance to me whatsoever.
Except in March, when you're St.
Paddy's Day, okay? Okay, that's only fun with other people.
All right, Nadia, let's see what your big damn secret is all about.
Here we go.
"At first glance, the manor house appeared drab to Nadia.
"No longer a stable boy, he had grown into a strong, handsome man.
"Tears open her bodice "Pulsating manhood "As he wept over her dying body" For God's sakes! Now, anxiety issues come in many flavors.
I All right, whose cell phone is that? We were very clear.
No cell phones or pagers at all.
You were asked to mute them, to not bring them into Sorry.
I think that's me.
This is fortuitous.
I was just about to talk about post-divorce anxiety, and my fiancée is grappling with these issues as we speak.
So, let's see if she's up for participating for an educational purpose.
Allison, how are you? I am horrible, Walter.
Before we carry on, I need to disclose that I lit candles, I ran a bath, I pleasured myself.
That you are on the speakerphone.
Walter, get me off! Do you mind? - Allison, you sound troubled.
- Walter, I don't know what to do.
I've tried to put this anniversary thing out of my head, and I can't.
If staying at home is causing you anxiety, leave the house.
Treat yourself.
Reclaim this date for yourself, Allison.
Okay, I guess I could take myself out for a night on the town.
Yes.
You've got your finger on the button of your own happiness.
Pipe down, you animals! I'm gonna tell the maître d' we're here, okay? Paulie.
Gary Brooks.
Where the hell have you been? How's the wife? No, it's not me.
You don't know me.
Then I'm sorry.
We're full.
Please try another night.
No, Paulie.
I mean, pretend you don't know me.
Pretend I've never been here before.
You know what I mean? I understand, Gary.
You're getting a little something on the side.
No, no, no.
There's nothing on the side.
What's nothing on the side? There's no baked potatoes on the side.
Side orders of baked potato.
You have to get rice pilaf, mashed, French fries.
Please seat us.
Yes, your table's right here.
Thank you, Paulie.
Pally.
Pal.
Sir.
Here.
Have a seat there.
Where'd you get the glass of wine? At the bar.
From the "Big Screen TV King of San Diego.
" Wow.
King of Big Screen and all you got was a glass of wine? "This card good for one big-screen TV.
" Oh, my God.
This place is so sweet.
Does this mean that Leo's is gonna be our restaurant? Yes.
This is ours.
Okay? Now all we have to do is get a bird, a flower and a tree, and we can apply for statehood.
Can I be your first lady? No.
Sorry.
But you'll always be my fourth.
- Really? - Four Well, I'm a guy.
I don't expect you to rack up those kinds of numbers, but, yeah.
God, so far, our first grown-up date is going very beautifully.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
And, as promised, not one mention of Allison.
Except for that one.
Which I mentioned only to illustrate the point that I'm not gonna say "Allison.
" Okay, that's twice.
I'm sorry.
But I'm done with the Allisons.
Three.
Darn.
Allison.
There, four.
I'm sorry.
When I get nervous, I have this thing where I have to end everything with even numbers.
It used to make Allison crazy.
Damn it! Allison.
Six.
I'm done.
Good.
Because tonight is about Gary and Vanessa.
And my son.
I'm sorry.
I told him that I would talk to him before bed.
- Would you excuse me? - Of course.
Okay.
- Gary? - Allison? Allison.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here with Vanessa on a date.
- You brought your girlfriend here? - Yes.
- To our restaurant? - Yes.
- On our anniversary? - On our what now? Gary.
It's the 17th.
Hello.
It's our anniversary.
Yes, it is.
It's our anniversary.
I know because I got you a gift online and it's still being shipped.
But I have a tracking number.
It's 11.
Gary, we're not married.
You don't have to lie anymore.
Sorry.
I can't help it.
It's like a gag reflex.
Listen, you have to get out of here.
You have to go.
Okay? No.
No.
I am not gonna leave.
You leave.
I can't leave.
I'm here with Vanessa.
You have to leave.
I promised Vanessa we would have a nice, romantic evening together, and I wouldn't mention you once.
And that's gonna be hard to do with a big fat you sitting here.
No, Gary.
I am reclaiming this date for myself in our restaurant.
Which used to be mine, by the way.
What if Vanessa sees you? I'll wave.
I like her.
Gary.
Here's the plan.
We have to keep the pretty one from seeing the angry one.
You follow? - Take her that way.
- I will.
Hi, how are you? Let's go.
- Hi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's wrong? - Nothing.
I just didn't like our table, and the one I wanted finally opened up.
Look at this one.
This is even better.
- This is the table that you wanted? - Yes, it is.
- It's kind of big.
- Yeah.
I thought maybe we could play ping pong later if things got dull.
- Here.
Have a seat.
- Okay.
No, no, no! Don't you wanna sit here so you can see this wonderful, original art by Ralph Macchio? I can't.
You know how you have your thing with even numbers? I can't sit with my back facing towards the door.
Why not? What, is your family in the mafia? Don't ever ask me about my business.
Okay.
Hey, look.
They have paper, and on it, they write what the food is.
I have been to a restaurant, just not one with you.
Hey, you know what? Why don't we have a Caesar salad? Okay? You want a Caesar salad? - I don't know.
Actually, I was kind - Me, too.
Me, too.
Right.
To your right.
Your right.
There you go.
Perfect-o.
- Caesar salad for two? - Yes, that'd be delightful.
And take your time.
We love the pageantry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you gonna go? You're gonna miss the pageantry.
Yeah.
I know, but I left my water on that other table.
And I already squeezed a lemon into it, and who wants to go through that drama again? Allison, please.
You gotta get out of here.
Look, you can keep the kids for an extra weekend.
I'll keep the kids for an extra weekend.
We can use the kids as currency in any way you see fit.
Just go, okay? Gary, no.
No.
I am I am taking back my restaurant.
Look, it's not your restaurant.
I'm tired of you saying - that it's your restaurant.
- Yes, it is.
- It is.
- No, it's not! May 31 st, 1992, I was in here and I bought you a drink, and life as I knew it ended, okay? Well, you know what? I'm here now.
And I'm just gonna go look at the dessert tray.
- No, you can't go over there.
Sit.
- Why? Please.
What? Who's Somebody's getting married? No, no! No, not us! No, that's No.
Hey.
I just Where is she? - She went to the ladies' room.
- And you let her? It's kind of our policy.
All right.
You know what? That's okay.
That's good.
That'll give me some time to think about what to do about Allison.
Is she allergic to anything? Shellfish? Peanuts? - The second one.
Yes.
- Peanuts? Peanuts.
No.
- Allison's headed to the ladies' room.
- That's good.
That'll give me some time to think about what to do about What did you just say? Both your dates are in the restroom.
Holy-moley.
Hey.
Right this way.
Why are you giving me a dirty look? I held the door for you.
Hi.
How are you? You're number 34.
Thirty-five! I got room for one more.
Thirty-five? - No, but she's coming out.
- Sit down! That's it.
I'm finished.
It's over.
So, you think the missus is gonna give you a divorce? No, I am divorced, Paulie.
I've been divorced.
I was here with my new girlfriend.
Well, she was my girlfriend up until about a minute ago.
That's your girlfriend? What'd you take her here for? I could've gotten you into Plate.
My brother's the maître d'.
Come on! Hey.
I - I owe you an apology.
- Why? Didn't anything weird happen in the bathroom? Nothing I wasn't expecting.
Nothing unusual went down while you were in there? I feel like we should preserve some of the romance, don't you? Yes.
Yes.
Let's get out of here, okay? - What? - Let's go somewhere else.
This isn't right.
I would like to take you someplace that really is special to me, okay? Okay.
The maître d' was sweating in the Caesar salad.
You know what? I totally flaked on the bill.
- I'm gonna go pay it, okay? - Okay.
Do you need money for the valet? - You're adorable.
- That's right.
I forgot.
Hot chicks don't have to pay for anything.
You're welcome.
Did you say anything to her in there? I didn't say anything.
I saw her feet.
Well, why didn't you say anything to her? I thought your mission in life was to destroy me.
Look, Gary, she has a hard enough time as it is dating you, all right? She doesn't need me to pile on.
Besides, I was I was kind of touched you remembered May 31 st, 1992.
I'll never forget May 31 st, 1992.
Because I was in here and I saw the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen walk through those doors.
- Gary.
- And then you came in right behind her.
Of course.
No, Allison, you had some great points, too, you know? You had your Julia Roberts hair and those big, puffy Demi Moore shoulder pads.
I was way out of your league, you know.
Well, you may have been out of my league, but I totally got inside your uniform.
Thanks for remembering the date.
That's really sweet.
Of course, May 31 st.
How could I forget? So, how is it related to sports? - Joe Namath's birthday.
- There you go.
Yeah.
I tried making reservations at other places like Plate, Saucer, Bowl, but they were all booked up.
Are you mad? That you took me to a restaurant that you and your ex-wife used to go to? And that she was there? And it was your anniversary? So, we're okay then? Gary, I really like you.
But you're not divorced yet.
Yes, I am.
I have half my stuff to prove it.
No, you're divorcing.
There's a big difference.
You know, you still haven't disconnected from Allison.
And you're not gonna be ready for a real relationship until you do.
Are you giving me the heave-ho? "Heave-ho" is such an ugly and nautical way to put it.
But maybe we should slow things down, you know? See other people? You need to go exploring, man.
Can we stay friends? - Of course.
- With benefits? Like what? Dental? We could start You know what? Get your taco.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
- Let's leave.
Let's - Why? What the hell? - It's not what you think, Dennis.
- You said this was our place.
- Sorry.
- No chicks.
I know.
I can't eat here.
I can't eat at home.
I can't find my dog.