Gigi Does It (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 (Gigi) He hit some Jews.
He killed some Jews, right? He rescued a few.
He tortured a few others.
- (Sighs) - He was Nazi light.
The poor thing couldn't make up his mind.
May he rot in hell, but only half the time.
(Laughs) You know, I-I-I just-- I-I can't keep it in anymore.
I just have to tell you.
- I-- - What? - (Laughs) Well - Go ahead.
Well, um, I can't.
I can't hold it in anymore.
What can't ya hold in? - I-- - You gotta pee? - No! Listen to this.
- Oh, oh, okay.
I gotta brag.
I don't like to brag, but I've gotta brag.
- You? - Yes.
- Brag? Never.
- Come on, come on, come on.
You never brag.
Okay, I'm being honored by the Clean Up Boca Association for my-- for my volunteer work.
Isn't that amazing? (Chuckles) What? - For all your work? - Yeah.
You picked up a soda can and a condom with a syringe in it, and they're giving you an award for that? Thank you.
You know where they're having it? This beautiful winery upstate.
Oh, great.
Well, uh, what should I wear? Uh, uh, listen.
Okay.
I gotta-- uh, this is really hard to say, you know.
What? Tell me, sweetheart.
- Okay, uh, you know.
- You know can tell me anything.
What's the problem? I know, but I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
You know, this-- this is gonna be a really, really intimate affair.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, you-- the-the-- you know, to ma-- you have to make a substantial donation to get in the door.
Okay.
Well, how much do the tickets cost, darling? They start at $1,000.
Oh, $1,000, that's a drop in the bucket for me.
I'll be there.
I can't wait! (Sighs) Uh, you know what? Go ahead.
Tell me.
What's wrong? What is it? Well, I-- it's hard to say this.
I mean, I feel bad.
These people are wealthy.
You know, very, very educated, snotty.
Oh, sure, sure.
- You know, they're-- they're classy.
- Classy people, yeah.
They're-they're-they're cultured, educated.
- They've traveled all over the world, you know.
- All over, yeah.
And, um, I'm just afraid.
I'm afraid that you're you're not gonna fit in.
You're gonna fe-- you're gonna feel like you don't belong.
How dare you? (Sighs) What? - How dare you? - Oh, God.
- Oh, now, I'm definitely coming! - (Sighs) No.
- Yes, I am! - No.
- Yes, I am! - Gigi.
Yes, I'm-I'm-I'm already driving there.
- Stop it.
Stop it! - Honk, honk.
Oh, look, look, look, look.
A-a-a truck driver wants me to pull over, so he can have his way with me.
Yeah, you can have my-- you can have my whole ass.
- Oh, see? - Yeah, see what? This is why I don't want you to come.
I am not talking to you.
If you show up, I am ignoring you! Well, listen, sweetheart, I may look young, but I ain't no baby.
- (Sighs) - And I don't need a babysitter.
I'll see ya there, Feinberg.
(Sighs) (Gigi) - Disgusting woman.
- (Sighs) Yeah.
Tells me I'm not good enough to be at the event.
I'm good enough to be at any and every event.
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Can you believe the audacity of this bitch? She thinks she-she's-- she's the only one who can hobnob with the upper echelons of Boca society.
She has the nerve to imply that I'm not good enough, that I smell, that I spit when I talk, or I shit when I walk.
You know, I've been dealing with Trechie's passive aggressive behavior for years.
(Inhales, exhales) You know, Harold always stressed that I take the high road with Trechie.
But, the new Gigi isn't taking the high road anymore.
No, no, no.
Ricky and I are attending that event as platinum level guests for $25,000 a pop.
And I'm finally gonna get my chance to mingle with Boca's elite.
- Oh, is this nice.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you can smell the money, huh? - (Chuckles) Yeah, all these hoity-toits.
That's okay.
I'm one of 'em.
Yeah, no, you've earned it.
This is-- can be-- Yeah, hold my hand.
Be somethin'.
Not much of a carpet laid out for ya.
Yeah, where's my horse and carriage? Oh, it means so much to me that you came.
Really, I'm just so honored that you're here.
Hi! Oh, thank you so, so much.
Don't mind if I do.
- (Laughs) - No, thank you.
I don't-- I don't drink.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, how are you? Platinum donor-- platinum donor.
I don't think you have to tell everybody.
(Coughs) - Oh! Oh, ha.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hello, sir, how are you? - Fine.
- My name is Gigi Rotblum.
- Oh, excuse me.
I'm a platinum donor.
You can kiss my hand.
Go ahead.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that was my nose.
Thank you.
Uh, Ralph, um, Ralph, I'll see you in inside, okay? You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I like your pants.
Oh, these old things? - Yeah.
(Ricky) - Thank you.
Stop flirting with my assistant.
- Well, this is such a surprise.
- Isn't it? What are you doing here? I told you I was gonna come.
- I know.
I'm surprised.
- You didn't think I was gonna do it, huh? Yeah, you didn't think I would come through on my word.
- I-- - But, I did, in the end.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I told you I would ignore you.
These are not your people.
- Guess what.
- What? I'm a platinum donor, $25,000 a pop.
It's a drop in the bucket for me.
I've been volunteering for 25 years.
Do you know that? Twenty-five years, with the high school students, with the college students, picking up trash on the beach.
You make schoolchildren clean up trash? I volunteer, night and day.
I work hard for this community.
What have you done? Do not ruin this for me.
Are you crazy? This is my day.
I thought this wasn't about you.
(Chuckles) I thought it was about the charity.
Come, Ricola.
(Sighs) So good to see you.
Ricky.
(Chuckles) (Birds chirping) (Travis) So, interesting fact-- (Trechie) Yes.
(Travis) Florida has the longest winemaking history in North America.
They've been producing wine in Florida 300 years before California even became a state.
- That's amazing.
- Isn't it? You know, I have so much respect for you, - sommeliers.
- Thank you.
No, really, your-your-your knowledge is breathtaking.
- It's so comprehensive.
- Look at her.
Oh, she's so cute.
These grapes aren't vitis vinifera, - which is what you would find in Europe.
- Mm-hmm.
Instead, this is all muscadine.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
Um, I want you to remember all this stuff 'cause there's gonna be a little quiz during the tasting.
(Laughs) A quiz, ahh.
Um, now, if you'd like to try some of our grapes, one of our workers has plucked some grapes - for you guys to try.
(Trechie) - Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, come here.
Come here.
What's that you said about a quiz? Oh, no, it's just a figure of speech.
There's a competition? Um, no, uh, this is just a pleasant e-excursion.
I wanna win.
- You wanna win what? - I wanna win the game.
- What game? - Let me tell you something.
Trechie is a disgusting woman.
I wanna spoil her day a bit, okay? I wanna win whatever quiz, whatever test.
Gigi, this isn't a competition.
- Now, everything between-- - This is just a fun exploration to the world of grape varietals.
Everything between me and her is a competition, everything.
It has always has been.
At the tasting today, whatever I say about the wine is right, and whatever she says about the wine is dead wrong.
I'm not gonna embarrass her like that.
- What's your name? - Travis.
Travis, I have here, in my pocketbook, a check written out to your name for $1,000.
(Gasps) Can you imagine all the things you can do with $1,000? You can hire, like, 350 Filipinos to clean your apartment for a month.
What I'm trying to bring out is this-- I can't do this, Gigi.
- You can do it.
- I can't.
You can, and you will.
I'm an advanced sommelier.
Yes, and I'm advanced in age, and this is my last chance to teach this woman a lesson.
(Sighs) I can't do it, Gigi.
- It's-- - Yes, you will.
You can, and you will.
You let an old lady win.
Drink up.
Drink up.
Drink up.
- Well-- - This is very, very tasty wine.
- Okay.
- I love it.
Here, cheers.
Uh, well, Ricky needs a glass.
- No, I don't-- I don't drink.
- Yes.
- Oh, oh, you don't drink? - No, never.
Oh, oh, o-okay.
Uh, my parents were terrible alcoholics.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, it's just, like, growing up, every Christmas was ruined because my parents would drink the night before, on Christmas Eve, and pass out, and I would wake up to a stocking filled with their vomit.
- (Gasps) Oh.
(Ricky) - Yeah.
- Yeah, but, seriously-- - Did you hear that? - Yeah, it's ter-- - That's awful.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, and then the only gifts I would get would be, you know, homemade gifts of empty bottles with little wigs that they would put on them.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- And that's what I would have to play with.
- That's-- I'm really, really sorry.
(Gigi) - That's terrifying.
That's really, really terrible.
Now that I know, this will be a different Christmas.
How different? Ricky! Well, I just-- (Gigi) Cheers and no more tears.
I know what I want to unwrap Christmas morning.
I love you.
- What is-- Where? - What? - There's-- - Oh, please.
- Wine, uh, grapes.
- (Laughs) So, this first wine we're gonna try is called a muscadine, okay? Okay.
- Traditionally, it's-- - Musca wine.
- Dine.
- Oh, all right.
So, first you wanna do is, twirl the wine around, and that allows the aromatics to come off of the surface.
(Trechie) Mm-hmm.
- Right.
- Now, breathe that in with your nose.
Mmm.
What are the smells? Maybe some green apple.
(Travis) Okay.
Smells a lot like my liver pills.
(Trechie sighs) Uh, okay, um-- This smells like liver pills, doesn't it? (Travis) So, yes.
Yes, liver pills, funny or not, I've smelled them before.
(Gigi) Thank you.
(Travis) Now, we're gonna taste the wine.
That sounds really fun, but, unfortunately, I don't drink.
So-- Oh, you're an alcoholic.
N-no, no, my parents were.
- I just made the choice.
(Travis) - Hmm.
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Oh, excuse me.
What are you doing? Mmm.
- No, no, wait.
Why are you-- - Thank you.
Whoa! I swallowed.
No, you're not supposed to-- Darling, you're not supposed to swallow.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You're not supposed to spit.
You are supposed to spit.
- I'm sorry.
This is a swallowing wine tasting.
- I'm sorry.
There-- I swallow.
You swallow.
Uh, there is no such thing.
Excuse me, sir.
- (Tretchie sighs) - Is this a spitting wine tasting, - or a swallowing wine tasting? - Of course.
Tell-- Please tell her.
Uh, this is a-a swallowing wine tasting.
Uh-- Come on.
Swallow it down! - Mmm.
(Tretchie) - Mmm.
(Travis) Gigi, tell me what you taste.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh.
Allow it to really settle into your palate.
I taste the holocaust in this.
(Tretchie) - What? - Yeah.
- Um-- (Trechie) - Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, um, well, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, that-that-- there-there is an element of, uh, smokey ash, which may be what you're getting.
(Tretchie) It's kind of bitter.
It's a little bitter.
- Bitter-- the holocaust was very bitter.
(Tretchie) - Yeah, that's true.
- Um-- - I don't know.
( Sighs) (Travis) This is the, um, blanc du bois, and-and tell me what you smell.
Bologna, you know, bologna that's been rotten for a few days.
- I taste carpet.
- Carpet? (Gigi) Yeah, like the shampoo on a carpet.
Smells like bathroom candle.
Yeah.
(Gigi) Tastes like nuts, like burnt nuts.
Uh, uh, okay, um-- It tastes like Marsha Mason, the actress Marsha Mason.
Remember her? How would you know what she tastes like? It tastes like her essence.
- So, the sixth wine is a, uh-- - Mmm.
(Tretchie laughs) - A, uh, hybrid of the-- - I can't.
I'm beginning to-- um, I can't.
It's too much.
So, I'm, like, I can't tell the difference anymore between what I'm tasting.
So, I think that I should just stop because I have this really important speech.
Stop? I could keep goin' all day.
You can, but I have to-- I'm being honored.
- All right.
- And I have to stand up there.
- I win.
(Travis) - Yes, if you're-- - I win! Do I win? (Tretchie) - You win? (Gigi) - Yeah.
- What are you talking about you won? (Gigi) - I won the wine tasting.
- Oh, right, yes.
- Um, you have won the wine tasting.
- Ha! Oh! - What? - I'm the winner.
- You heard him.
- This isn't winning.
Mister-- hey, raise my arm in championship.
- What are you talking about? - I'm a champion.
- There's no winning in a wine tasting.
- I'm the champion.
- Yes.
(Trechie) - What? Whatever.
What are you doing? Come here.
Come here.
I wanna tell you something.
It's a secret.
Mmm.
Ooh! Oh! (Gasps) (Travis) Um-- - I won.
I won.
- Sir? Um, I would like to tell you something.
(Travis) Uh, you can tell me.
Yeah, I can tell you, right now.
- No.
No.
- Yeah.
Will-will you let me tell you somethin'? No, don't tell me a thing.
- No.
Let me-- let me tell you something.
- You're not tell me anything.
- I don't-- - Just a little secret.
No, I don't wanna hear anything that comes from you.
All right? But, I wanna tell you something.
That is very inappropriate to take advantage of a woman who's clearly had a little too much and isn't into this.
(Gigi) You know what? He's jealous because he wants to fuck her.
- Oh.
- I thought you were gay.
No, I'm not.
I wanna fuck her.
Ricky.
(Gigi) - Ricky.
(Ricky) - I-I don't-- Ricky.
No, what I mean to say is-- what I-I-- Ricky.
No, I wanna spend time with m-m-- with my mom.
He's talking about me being his mom? He's got an oedipal complex.
Can I just get my cash? - I gotta get the fuck outta here.
(Tretchie) - I heard that.
CUBA has had a great year, guys, and we know it's because of your commitment.
So, without further adieu, um, let's bring up our honorary Cuban.
Theresa Feinberg.
- (Applause) - Aww.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah, clap.
- Ooh! - Oh! Oh! Ahh! (Laughs) Oh, God.
- You okay? - Oh, my goodness, yes.
- Okay.
- Well, that was a terrible entrance.
(Laughs) (Sighs) And how about our chairwoman with her fabulous breast reduction surgery? Huh? I told her to get those girls gone.
So, anyway, I'm so honored to be here.
I've spent 25 years cleaning up Boca with you guys, and I just love this fucking place.
Oh! (Laughs) I'm-- Wow! The reason that I do service is because of my beautiful father.
He was-- he was a serial arsonist, and he never, never, never, ever set fire to anything else.
It was just-- it was just himself.
And they-they finally put him in a mental, you know, rehabilitation facility, and he was so-- Those patients were so inspired by him because he taught them to meditate.
He had no arms and legs by then.
Okay, everything was burned to a crisp, and he just-- he got killed.
He was stabbed by a patient with a cake spatula.
- I was-- - Holy shit! (Sobbing) You should probably help her.
- What-- - She's struggling.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
All right.
Just go.
(Sobbing) - Okay, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- Okay, yes, sit down.
- Okay.
- Do yourself a favor.
- All right, I will.
Ooh! Sit right down there.
- (Chuckles) - Hello.
(Laughs) Oh, my goodness gracious.
Hello.
Uh, uh, m-m-my name is Gigi Rotblum.
I'm a platinum donor-- platinum donor.
And, um, you know, Theresa might not have the gift of giving speeches or acting presentable whatsoever, but, um, what she lacks in social graces, she makes up for with her enormous heart that's hiding deep within those expensive bazoongas of hers.
You know, I believe you two have the same doctor, Dr.
Rosen, who Trechie refers to as her ex-husband.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
But, uh, I digress.
Theresa is a pillar of our community.
She has given all of herself to improving the lives of Boca citizens.
Mm-hmm.
And I think that's absolutely wonderful, and she should be lauded for that.
Although, I think the 50g that I dropped on this charity is probably far more appreciated than some ex-hippie helping out on Sunday afternoons.
Just saying.
And by the way, my assistant would like to schtoop you and wear your loose old lady skin like a mask.
I-I-I-I never said that.
That's-- I-I don't-- (Gigi) - Yes, you did.
- No, that-- You took it out of context.
(Gigi) You did.
He told me that.
Being here in front of you people, I-- and seeing her make a total ass of herself, it-it makes me realize that you and I aren't so different.
But, seriously, this is what trying to keep up with you shmancies can do to a person.
Shame on you all.
I mean, this-- Look at this, this mess.
- You're a mess.
You are! - Uh, stop.
Oh, God You can all kiss my ass! And, uh, uh, CUBA can take a flying fuck! (Gigi) - Come on.
(Trechie) - Oh, my God.
They-they've had a tough day.
- Both of them have had a tough day.
(Gigi) - Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- Oh, oh! - What's that? - Oh, oh, oh, oh, God.
- (Laughs) (Trechie) Oh.
I-I-I never wanted to wear her skin.
I just wanted to, like, slowly and softly touch it.
- It wasn't-- - Come on, Ricky.
- It was-- (Gigi) - Come on.
Come on.
(Trechie) - Come on, Ricky.
(Gigi) - Come on.
la la la la la la la - Buh-bye.
Buh-bye.
(Trechie) - Ooh.
(Belches) I accomplished my goal.
I was the life of a ritzy party.
I-I even met a nice philanthropist, who offered to have me invest in a clean water pumping system that would provide clean waters to people in impoverished nations.
I told him I was very interested.
But, really, I couldn't give a shit.
(Laughs) (Snoring) Oy! (Ricky) I can't help but notice the irony in us picking up trash because we got Trechie trashed.
Although, I don't mean to point anything out, but you haven't picked up an actual piece of garbage yet.
Yes, I picked up one piece of garbage.
Well, I don't like doing this.
You know, I mean, what's the point of-- of giving all your time, if you get nothing in return? I mean, you know, they should at least give ya a pin, a little pin that says, "I did it.
" But, that's the whole idea of charity.
You give, without getting anything in return.
Okay, yeah, well I get that, but I don't like it.
It doesn't mean you have to like it.
All this charity, it takes a lot outta ya.
(Ricky) Yeah.
You know what gets me through? (Gigi) What's that? (Ricky) Thinkin' of Trechie.
(Gigi) Oh, forget about Trechie.
You know that I called Trechie this morning, and she was on the toilet? She's been shitting for days.
Something about the tannins in the wine.
Aye-aye-aye.
All right, you think that's enough? We've only been out here ten minutes.
Well, listen, I'm kinda hungry.
Aren't you? Yeah.
- You could eat? - I could eat.
Come on.
Let's go.
Just leave the-- You're just gonna leave it here? Leave it.
Yeah, leave it, leave it, leave it.
Let-- leave it and-and let's go.
I-I had fun today.
Yeah, it's hard for me to walk on the sand.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
- This is gonna-- I'm gonna be sore to-- - Yeah, uneven footing.
Yeah, very uneven.
Where did you park the car?