Going Dutch (2025) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Oh.
Jingle bells jingle bells ♪
Hey, you. Boy.
- What the hell is goin' on?
- It's Christmas, sir.
No, it's not. It's the middle of spring.
And why are you talking like that?
I'm Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol.
- We're performing it today.
- Yeah?
You better work on that limp
'cause I ain't buying it for
a second, pal. You're not
limping, you're just hopping.
An orange if you've been
a good little soldier girl.
Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate
the tree, of course.
Ooh, tell me, colonel,
have you been a good boy?
- What the hell's going on?
- Oh, you don't know?
- No.
- During Second World War
Stroopsdorf couldn't celebrate Christmas
because we were under enemy occupation.
- Uh-huh. You're welcome by the
- And after we got liberated
We decided
to celebrate in spring instead.
So now we celebrate Christmas
twice a year. Twice Christmas.
Wh-why are you dressed like a real Pope?
I'm Dutch Father Christmas,
known as Sinterklaas,
a svelte man who travels from Madrid
in a tugboat full of oranges
just to put candy
in little children's boots.
So let me get this straight,
you're a fruit peddler
who's got a foot fetish.
Is that the idea?
At least it's not as idiotic
as your Santa Claus,
that grinning mascot for your
country's obesity and the whore
to your corporations.
Yes, I said it, a whore.
I'm gonna give you literally
three seconds to
disappear, or I'm gonna hit you
in the head with an
- Colonel, it's Twice Christmas.
- Yeah.
And I'm gonna hit you twice as hard.
No, colonel, are you crazy?
- Ah
- No, don't do it! Ah!
It's-it's Christmas. Ah!
Oh, colonel, no. Please be a good boy.
Ah, colonel. Ah, ah
Maggie. Ah, ah!
Jan, are you okay?
- Help me.
- What happened?
Your father was throwing oranges at me.
I've never seen him so brutal.
I should have known.
My father despises Christmas.
Ruined every single one
till I was, like, 16.
The day after Thanksgiving
when the decorations went up,
that was, that was my Black Friday.
I'm pretty sure that's everyone's
Black Friday, but, yeah.
It's gonna be everyone here's
Black Tuesday unless I stop him
because he will cancel Twice Christmas.
He will take away Christmas
like the fussy green grump of legend.
There is no amount
of boo-hooing from Whoville
that's gonna make his heart
grow any bigger.
He already takes pills for that, so
- Perfect.
- Be careful with that.
General. Colonel.
I didn't know you'd be here.
Also, as a quick follow-up,
why are you here?
I admit I'm a man of basic tastes.
I like Michael Buble, chicken teriyaki,
the films of Ron Howard.
But most of all, I love Christmas.
And this is the only place on Earth
where you can get it twice!
I come here every year.
And if I'm a lucky boy,
Santa may make an appearance today.
Ha-ha!
Okay, I thought you were joking.
- And the joke would be?
- General
I got your new fit, and it is fire.
Let's just say my guy in Prague
knows his way around
crushed red velvet and white fur.
- So you're Santa.
- I can neither confirm nor deny.
But I can say Santa and I
have never been seen
in the same room together.
Listen up, I am sick of you
always ruining Christmas,
and I am not gonna let you
Scrooge us over.
- Ho-ho-ho. What?
- Oh, my God!
- I can't say ho anymore?
- You look, um, festive.
I decided to join in the fun.
Is there a gun
pointing at you right now?
Just a gun of intimate moments
and sexual compatibility.
- It's starting to make sense.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, your father
had reservations at first.
- Mm
- But upon my explanation
He understood the holiday's importance
and agreed to join in tonight
for my Twice Christmas party.
- Mm.
- So
We are looking forward to
celebrating our first Christmas dinner
as girlfriend and boyfriend.
- Girlfriend and boyfriend?
- Yes.
- Is that a problem?
- No.
I'm just, uh, not used to the concept.
Oh. Maybe try blow-drying your hair.
No, I, I meant, um,
in, in relation to, to him.
I have heard my dad
referred to as a husband,
an ex-husband, uh,
a phone number that I called
to have a strange woman answer,
"Is this one of your whores?"
This is new for me as well.
But things have progressed to a point
that we decided to,
as you say, make it official
by elevating him
to the lead lover in my stable of men.
- Number one with a bullet.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um
- Head out.
- Where you going?
- Some stuff to, um, throw up.
- Okay.
- She is so repressed.
- I know. It's her mom.
- Hey, major.
- Hey. Hey.
Looked like you were just about to cry.
No, I'm good. What are you doing here?
Part of the deal I have with
the colonel for not kicking me
out of the army for being this awesome
is that I have to keep
my awesomeness hidden
when General Davidson is here.
So I sit in here.
Make all-day chili and eat it all day.
Hm.
Why are you hiding in the kitchen?
I can't take any more
of this Twice Christmas.
It's like once is enough, right?
- Hm, okay.
- Staying up all night.
Wrapping presents for your
stepson, drinking Santa's milk,
googling how do reindeer eat
to best mimic carrot bites.
But then his mom and you split up, and
all you're left with
are memories that taunt you.
I didn't know you got a stepson.
- Well, I had a stepson.
- Okay.
I'm gonna need you
to stop there. I'm sorry, man.
I have this weird thing where
I get super bummed when I hear
- about dead kids.
- What?
It's like how some people hate
the word moist.
- I know, but
- No, he's not dead!
What are you talking about?
No, I just can't talk to him right now
because his mom and I are mid-divorce
Oh, thank God.
Well, like your ex-wife,
I'm gonna need some space
because there's a part of all-day chili
where I end up needing to do
something else all day.
Okay, say no more, I'm gonna go
to my office and watch
one of those devastating photo montages
that my phone sends me every day.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Yeah.
I might chase myself out of here
if there's another like that
in the chamber.
Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja!
You didn't hear me.
I was like, "Katja! Katja!"
- Oh, that was you?
- Uh
I just wanted to say thank you so much.
Oh, please. The blow-dryer
was just a suggestion.
- But you should take it.
- Oh, I, I meant
Actually, thank you for
getting my dad on board
with Twice Christmas.
Oh, it was nothing. Have a nice day.
He's always the worst with Christmas.
One year he actually cut off his finger
to get out of Christmas dinner,
which he said was an accident.
- But I knew was not the case.
- Why are you telling me this?
Because I promise to do my best
to wrangle him tonight.
- Tonight?
- Yes, at the party.
I'll keep him in check.
Oh, that's so kind of you,
but unnecessary
since you're not invited.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know, uh, that
it was like a-an intimate affair.
- It's actually quite large.
- Oh.
I just did not invite you
because I do not like you.
Happy Twice Christmas.
Bing-bong! Hi.
I rang the doorbell,
but you weren't answering.
So you decided to surprise me
through the back door.
- Hm.
- You are your father's daughter.
Um, I realized that I forgot
to give you your Twice Christmas gift.
I just remembered once that you
said that you're an Aries.
So it's a bracelet
with your astrological sign.
- Yes.
- So overly thoughtful.
It was no problem at all, um
Hey, while I'm here,
I was thinking about
that little thing
that you mentioned earlier.
- That I don't like you? Yeah.
- Yeah.
And it occurred to me, of course,
you don't like me because
you don't know me. Right?
And if we just get to know
each other, you'd
Please let me save you
from embarrassment.
Oh, of course. Thank you.
The very reason I do not like you
is because I do know you.
You are a people-pleaser who uses gifts
as currency in a doomed economy
of validation.
Which is why you still dress
like you're eight years old
because all you truly want
is daddy's approval.
- Well, embarrassment saved.
- Yeah.
You came here to please me,
so I might tell him to love you.
- But I'm not your mommy.
- Oh.
I will not suckle you. Heh.
You cannot afford it.
No, I'm here because you are
in a relationship with my daddy.
With my dad.
And I figured that we should
also have a relationship. That's all.
Um
- But I'll
- No. You know what?
Maybe I misread you.
- Let us start again.
- Yes.
Would you mind giving me a hand
to prepare dinner?
- We are making venison.
- Oh, yum.
Yes, I would love to. How can I help?
Aw
Kill the baby.
- Sorry?
- Uh, the fawn.
- Kill it for dinner.
- Kill the baby fawn?
- Yes. The big one is too tough.
- Right. And the big one is
- The mother. Hm.
- The mother. Right.
I could kill the baby
in front of its mother.
It's, um. it's reverse Bambi.
- Right.
- Okay. Yeah. Right.
I am a trained soldier, you know?
- And I am
- Yes.
Trained to kill the enemy. Okay.
You will take the life
of this beautiful creature?
No, I didn't want to,
but you asked. I didn't want to.
I didn't wanna kill it. I love
Bambi. I didn't wanna do it.
So you did it
because I asked you nicely?
If I asked you nicely, you would
betray your own feelings
and slaughter little Luna?
- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- Go home, Captain Quinn.
Um
It would have been quick.
Major, I got good news.
So I reached out
to your ex-wife Celeste.
- You did what?
- And
I Face-Timed with your
beautiful ex-wife Celeste.
Corporal, do not mistake
my kindness for weakness.
- Don't mess with my family.
- Relax.
Celeste and I had
very little chemistry when we
What is going on here?
Just trying to decide which
of the 12 objects on my desk
I will use to kill you with.
- A pen?
- It's too fast. Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel.
- Gabriel.
- And he made you a video.
Saying hi. That's why I came in here.
Sit down, please. Just one
Hi, Abe, your friend convinced mom
to let me send a message.
How is Netherlands?
I wanna show you
something I've been working on.
Oh, he's bringing out his tuba!
- We're in for a treat.
- Yeah.
This is one of the best gifts
anyone's ever gotten me.
- So thank you.
- Gabriel!
- Time for dinner!
- Abe, I gotta go.
Terrence made us smash burgers!
Terrence! Terrence!
Who the hell is Terrence?
You are not going to believe this.
Katja doesn't like me.
- You already knew that.
- Yeah.
I thought it was pretty obvious.
- Why would it be obvious?
- I don't know.
Look on her face
every time you enter a room.
- That would be one clue.
- Ah.
And you're-you're okay
with this, with the fact
that your girlfriend hates me?
Okay, listen.
She doesn't hate you. That
You know, she just doesn't
like you, you know, a lot.
- Oh. No.
- That bothers you?
Maybe. Yes, a lot.
The whole army basically hates my guts.
- And I-I couldn't care less.
- Yeah.
And, like, what, two people,
you know, don't
I shouldn't have said
two people don't like you.
- Two people?
- No.
- I'm not giving
- What're their names?
- I'm not
- Tell me their names.
I am busy sucking it up, getting ready
to get myself
to Katja's Christmas dinner.
I don't remember you ever sucking it up
for any of my Christmases growing up.
You know why? Didn't have a strategy.
If you think about it,
these parties, the dinners,
all of it, it's like a land war, right?
- Hm.
- What solves that? Tanks.
So I am taking the tank
to her Christmas dinner.
Wait, is this a metaphor,
or are you actually
bringing a tank to a party?
Yes. Can you believe
it took me this long?
To come up with that concept? Tsk.
This Terrence guy,
he just shows up in my
family's life, and I don't know
anything about it.
Nobody even talks to me
about this? Terrence.
What kind of a guy
has a name like Terrence?
Terrance McDowell.
Sorry, man. That's a hot name.
How do I know that this guy
is safe to be around?
He could be like a killer or a thief,
or one of those cartoonists who
are really good at their job,
but they also draw your flaws
in, like, a really mean way.
- Hm.
- Find out more.
Well, that's kind of the problem because
this guy has, like,
zero digital footprint.
Okay, there's this Facebook
profile that he deleted in 2011
where he lists
his favorite band as Train.
Ah!
I love my stepson.
I can't stand idly by
and let him meet Virginia.
Anything more would require,
like, a security clearance
above you. Even the colonel.
But not General Davidson.
Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ♪
Ho-ho-ho!
And what do you want from Santa?
For him to authorize
domestic surveillance
of an American citizen.
More specifically, my soon-to-be
ex-wife's new boyfriend.
- That's a hell of an ask, major.
- Nah.
And that boy asked
for a body pillow for humping?
It's your fateful companionship.
Geert, if you were a dog,
they would have neutered you for less.
Mm-hmm.
I am confused.
- Why are you upon my doorstep?
- Oh.
I'm crashing your party, uninvited.
- Do you like that?
- No, I do not like that.
Oh, good.
You're gonna love this. No gift.
Would a people-pleaser
crash a party with no gift?
I don't think so. Heh-heh.
But I am, I am gonna need you
to take this
since I am not an animal.
So just take that,
and I'm gonna crash this way.
Merry Christmas, y'all!
Everyone,
this is Captain Margaret Quinn.
- Hi.
- She is Patrick's daughter.
She was not invited.
Hi, everyone, um, I'm just here
to prove to Katja
that I am not a people-pleaser.
I don't care if Katja likes me.
Actually, don't care
if any of you guys like me.
- That's super look.
- Dana.
- What are you doing here?
- I was invited.
Fantastic!
Everyone.
Uh, dinner will be served very shortly.
Ah, raw meat. Disgusting.
- It's gourmetten.
- Gourmetten.
- Gourmetten.
- Yeah.
Yes, we grill our food.
So we have to cook it
before we eat it. Oh, God.
Are we guests at this dinner
or are we working it? Heh.
No wonder she didn't get invited.
- The whole spread is, uh
- Beautiful.
Bad. Yuck.
You are a little baby.
Now you go find your father and tell him
he cannot let his little baby
wander around my party.
- Oh, hey. Uh-huh!
- Hey.
I get it. This is the tank.
Every terrestrial campaign
has been won by armor,
including this one tonight.
I've never seen you drink
white wine in my life.
Oh, no, this is 90% vodka, 'cause
Otherwise, I'm gonna kill
somebody out there. I need
- Oh!
- Here you are, colonel.
Beatrix, you found me again. Heh-heh.
Beatrix was telling me for, um,
for a long time
about how she makes chairs
that are uncomfortable
for people to sit in. Yeah.
Human comfort is not the reason
for an object to exist.
It is the reason chairs exist, though.
You know, my foot's killing me,
I'm gonna go in the kitchen
and take some aspirin. And,
uh No, no, you should stay.
This is a very interesting
conversation. I can't
- You can't?
- Because my foot hurts. Yeah.
Make a hole. There we go.
Ah. Ah, you got me again.
I think you didn't hear me
the first time.
Excuse me, make a hole!
- Move! Move it.
- I should probably
When I place my butt
on Beatrix's chairs,
the beating life
of its creators enters me.
Well, I wish I had a tank.
Oh, it is exhausting
being that rude. I don't know
how you do it all the time.
- It takes years of practice.
- What are you doing?
Feeling, like, boxed in.
Like, I need an escape plan.
Here it is. Okay, you take that.
You're gonna cut off one of my fingers.
Why does everyone
keep handing me knives?
Here we go. Let's go, pinky.
It's good for both of us
'cause you'll have to take me
to the hospital.
We'll both get out of here.
- No, you wish.
- Very disappointing.
So you did cut off your pinky in 1994.
- Yes, this one.
- I knew it!
You know, you're always
on this thing about,
like, we're not close enough and
blah, blah, blah, do stuff together.
Can I have some of the vodka wine?
Yeah, it's strapped under
my scooter.
There's not enough vodka wine
in the world to numb me to these morons.
Beatrix followed me around
for 20 minutes lecturing me
about how ottomans
aren't just backless chairs.
- Like, I need to know that.
- I don't get it.
Why don't you just tell Katja
that you hate it, and leave?
No. You don't tell the truth
in a situation like this.
What are you, nuts?
Here's what we could do.
You could step it up a notch,
cause a scene.
You could cut one of your fingers off.
You want me to ruin Christmas?
I'm not doing this anymore,
and I'm not gonna be unlikable
just for one person to like me.
- I'm gonna go save Christmas.
- All right, I'm coming.
I'm gonna save this Christmas so hard.
Wrong leg.
Thanks again
for helping with this, general.
Honestly, Shah, I sympathize with you.
I mean, all my exes have new boyfriends
and they all look like the next bachelor
and not the golden ones.
All right, what did I miss
on this Train-loving clown?
- You're in the army?
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I got sick
of hiding in the closet
and I ran out of chili, so
You must drive the colonel insane!
- I live in his head rent-free.
- Ha! I love it.
Santa is going to give you
all the cookies you can eat.
- Shah.
- Uh
We, uh, input the coordinates,
we use the eye in the sky,
and we watch your ex's house.
Okay, just to make sure they're
in good hands, that's all.
Ah, we have a visual.
They're having a catch.
- Hm.
- Gabriel seems fine.
Yeah, he's doing okay. All right.
- I may have overreacted.
- Well, you miss him.
And he misses you, too.
And so does Celeste.
'Cause I took it upon myself to send her
a series of very flirtatious messages,
hitting on her super hard.
She didn't bite. Not one bit.
Okay, what are you doing
with Celeste in your
Okay, this isn't even about me
and her, but, yeah, I'll call
her and I'll ask if I can
start Face-Timing with Gabriel.
- Perfect.
- You're welcome.
Stop texting my exes.
I'm not gonna stop texting Stacy.
- Wait, Stacy from summer camp?
- Yeah.
Her marriage is hanging on by a thread.
- Tok.
- Okay.
Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody.
- I would like to make a toast
- Ahem.
That there are so many
different walks of life
represented around this table.
- Mm-hmm. And chairs.
- Oh.
Yes, Beatrix, and chairs.
Isn't that the meaning
of-of Twice Christmas,
having a second chance
to gather in peace and harmony
around this beautiful meal,
around this table?
Oh, Maggie!
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
- Ah Oh.
- Oh, I told you.
- You have got to stop drinking.
- What is
I'm gonna take her to the hospital.
And then to the rehab center.
You did a great job.
- I did not do this on purpose.
- Okay.
- I will take her.
- What?
I understand the bureaucracies
of social medicine.
I'll drive both you guys
to the hospital, then, and
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No!
You must stay, it's your
first Twice Christmas.
I don't want you
to cut off your jubilation.
- Come on, baby.
- Okay. No, I'm
- Happy Christmas, everybody.
- Twice. Twice Christmas.
Yeah, forget it. I don't know
about you guys, but
Here's to jubilation.
You don't have to wait with me.
I know you do not like me.
And you don't have to pretend to
just 'cause I'm, uh, injured.
I did not like you.
And you are a people-pleaser
who craves attention.
But you were also a crazy woman
at my Twice Christmas dinner.
I like that.
Some of my favorite people
are a little bit crazy.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Your father. My lover Julia.
Although we don't say crazy.
She's diagnosed bipolar.
Well, what I'm hearing is that
I'm one of your favorite people.
Oh, not even close.
But you owned your insanity.
- Ah.
- I like you 13% more.
Yes!
Next year it'll be 20.
Tables come in a variety of sizes.
Yeah, but it's not really
about the size of the table.
More like the size of the room.
Especially once you introduce
the concept of shapes.
Yeah, which you must.
- You absolutely
- Oh.
Shut up with the shapes!
That's it. I'm out! I've had it.
That's right. Yeah, I can walk.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Ooh, God bless us, everyone.
Except you, with the weird hat.
We know you have an oddly-shaped head.
You can go to furniture hell.
Oh, wait a minute.
We're in it! Ha-ha-ha.