Grandfathered (2015) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Hello, ladies of BooFinder.
Uh, I'm new to the app.
Love the concept, though eight seconds does seem a little quick to fully capture all the splendor that is Gerald Ed Hi, I'm Gerald.
I'm looking for my soul mate, so BooFinder seems like the right app for me.
I'm recently out of a relationship not really a relationship.
More of just a progressive physical thing with the mother of my chi Hi, Gerald, single man, looking for a woman.
Uh, father of child, live with mother.
In between jobs.
Hillary 2016.
Yes.
Hi, I'm Jimmy.
I'm Gerald's father, and I find it disgusting that you're all looking for love on the Internet.
Internet's only good for sex, and in my experience, just okay for that.
I know what you're thinking.
Can an app really help me find true love? Well, Wired Magazine thinks so.
Gerald, I told you, I don't want you reading that trash.
I'm sorry, why are you still here? Oh, hello there, HelenOfGoy, 36, two miles away, loves chilaquiles.
Check, check and check.
And by the blouse she's wearing, I am getting a very maternal vibe here.
She could be Edie's type.
Gerald, what are you doing? You've been hung up on Vanessa for four years.
Now I feel you're finally starting to get over her.
It's time to go out and date a little.
Get a little "naughtay.
" No.
What are you doing? He's 25.
He doesn't need his daddy getting involved in his dating life.
Look, I-I may be his father, but I'm nobody's daddy.
I'm more like a cool, carefree, still-in-his-prime What's a good term for me? Aging narcissist? Sexy guardian angel.
That's it, Gerald.
I'm your sexy guardian angel.
And you know what, I'm gonna take you out tomorrow night and make you forget about this soul mate stuff.
We're gonna meet some chicks.
Not women, but chicks.
This angel's gonna be your wing man.
See what I did there? Angel, wing man.
For the last time, Jimmy, we don't get your wordplay.
Dumb it down for us.
I could go out tomorrow.
Good.
Now this is the portion of the day where-where Sara chastises me for corrupting our son.
- Go ahead, Sara.
- Nope, Gerald's an adult.
He can do whatever he wants.
And you may think you're a sexy guardian angel, but I'm LL Cool Mom.
Would you like some cereal? No, I'm good.
Thank you.
You and Gerald are on the list at Lunaris.
- Perfect.
- Lunaris? I thought that place was over.
It's hot again Justin Bieber peed himself there last weekend.
Oh, cool.
Throw me on the list.
Hi, Jimmy! Hey.
Why is she here? Am I supposed to be watching the baby? She asked if she could give you a sales pitch, and you said yes.
That doesn't sound like me.
Jimmy, before we get started, I'd like to order a Donkey-tini, please.
I don't know what that is.
Oh, no.
My friends and I love those.
I guess we'll have to go to another establishment that does carry Donkey-tinis or one of Donkey Tonic Energy Drink's many other delicious signature cocktails and give them our money.
This is part of the presentation.
- No.
- Yeah.
I think you get my point, but Nothing makes the case for Donkey Tonic like the taste.
- Try that.
- Hmm, looks yummy.
Annelise.
Bravo.
We'll take three cases.
I could do that, or since this is a pyramid scheme, you could become a distributor like me, and that's when the real money starts pouring in.
Okay, not for you.
Got it.
Now, let me tell you about another scheme I'm really excited about.
What if I told you that, in three short weeks, I could have you dunking a basketball? So how do you want me to get rid of her? Yeah, this is bad.
But she's family.
I mean, she's got hustle.
She just never learned from anyone who's been around real success before.
Oh.
You're gonna teach her? I'm impressed, Jimmy.
You normally only help famous people or people you think might become fam Wait, you're gonna make me do it.
- Thank you.
- Well, hello again.
Let's try these on.
Oh, do you have socks? If not, I got cling wrap.
Here.
Vanessa, thank you, I don't need these shoes.
I can already dunk.
You got fire, kid.
You ever thought of a mentorship? Whoa, that's crazy.
I-I've always thought I'd be perfect for that.
Very good.
I'll set you up with Annelise.
Thank you for believing in me, Jimmy.
Hmm.
Business journal entry 62.
I just got hired as a mentor.
Looks Oh.
Looks like I got to update my business card.
All right, here's the game plan.
Meet a girl, hit it off, take her home, keep it safe and spring for the good Uber in the morning.
I don't know, I mean, the idea of using women seems kind of sexist to me.
It's sexist to assume you're using her.
Do you ever think that she may be using you? Huh? - Come on.
- Hi.
Hey.
Yeah, sound logic, I'm in.
Oh! Move that thing.
Come in.
Come in, come in.
- All right, cheers.
- Cheers.
Oopsie, I spilled vodka in my belly button.
Looks like someone needs help.
Oh, uh, here's some napkins, and please stop spilling our vodka.
Okay, okay.
I'm Frankie.
Do you have a name? Yeah, uh, I'm Gerald.
Hey, we both have boy names.
You're cute! What do you do when you're not being so cute? I'm kind of a stay-at-home I develop apps.
Wow, like Zuckerberg? No, not like Zuckerberg Uh, yeah, exactly like Zuckerberg.
Wow.
Yes.
I'm bored! This place is dumb.
Let's go home.
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before you leave, I just wanted to say hi.
I'm Jimmy Martino.
You look very pretty tonight.
Priya.
So, what do you do? I'm, uh, I'm a restaurateur.
- Shutters! - Yeah.
I'm such a foodie.
"Shutters" is how I say shut up.
I have a fun way of saying lots of words.
Here, tell me the first word that pops into your head.
Uh, annoying.
Easy, noy-noy.
Nexters.
That means next.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Mmm.
Morning, sexy.
Take those clothes off and get back in here.
Wait.
Did we not hook up last night? No, you passed out in the Uber before you could tell him where you live.
Oh Hold on, I got to take this.
I made you a hangover smoothie downstairs.
It's in a to-go cup, so why don't you get it and to-go.
Hey, Ger, how'd it go last night? I just left Frankie's.
Attaboy.
Yup, doing the old bus-of-shame.
How's it feel to have a one-night stand under your belt? Uh, does it count as a one-night stand if you've already made plans for a picnic the following day? Ger, what We were supposed to go out and get all up into trouble, not fall in love with trouble.
Hey, slow down.
Who said love? Let's see how the post-picnic tandem bike ride goes.
Oh, uh, this is my stop.
Got to go.
Thanks again, wing man.
No, Ger, think Mmm.
So, you and Frankie are pretty close, right? Pretty close? Try we live in the same building, we work at the same payroll company, and when I got my DUI, she drove me everywhere.
Hmm.
Would you say she's relationship material? Don't get me wrong.
I love Frankie, but she's horrible.
She literally cheats on everyone she dates.
We call her Frank the Skank.
I made it up.
It's hilarious.
Oh, yeah, he's screwed.
Edie, look, Jimmy's here.
I wonder why Jimmy's here.
What does Jimmy want? Hi.
Hey, listen, have you talked to Gerald about that nightmare girl he's dating? It's been a week.
Wait, what do you mean, talk? I texted you all that awful stuff that her friend said about her.
I figured by now you-you'd give him one of your nagging mom talks.
No, because I'm not a nagging mom.
I'm a cool mom.
I just found out when Burning Man is.
I can't make it.
And I don't care what anyone's friend says I'm not getting between Gerald and a girl.
Apparently you don't realize the severity of this situation.
All right, I'm gonna tell you something.
But you have to promise that you'll never tell another living soul.
Swear? - Yes, fine, whatever.
- All right.
Summer of 2008, I briefly dated Tila Tequila.
I'll spare you the details, but it did not end well.
What does this have to do with anything? The moral of this story is: do not fall in love with a party girl.
And I guarantee you, Gerald's doing that right as I speak.
Okay, look, I know that you're new to this, so I'm gonna boil this down for you.
Do not meddle in your son's love life.
It will backfire.
He will end up liking her more.
You've just got to be cool, man, like me.
Cool like you, huh? Edie, I hate to put you on the spot.
Who's cooler, Grandma or Jimmy? Who's cooler, me or her? Me? Yeah.
Thank you.
The kid said yeah.
I rest my case.
I know you were lying.
What is this? Oh, uh, it's an Armenian folk song.
Frankie's a quarter Armenian.
You seem to know a lot about this girl after dating her only a week.
Oh, my printer's done printing the printer.
Ooh.
It looks just like a 3D printer.
This is how I'll remember you, Printy.
What are you doing? Oh.
.
Selling the old girl.
Yeah, need a little extra cash for a little lover's weekend with Frankie in Vegas.
Oh, question.
Do you get a discount if you clean your own room? What if you, like, sleep on top of the comforter? Uh, like, in sleeping bags.
What about if you don't turn on the TV? What about if you don't use the soap? Jimmy? Hi.
Oh, my God.
You did not bring me sushi.
You love me, stalker.
Guilty.
Is Frankie around? Why? Threesome much? Ha.
I'm gonna go get some teriyaki sauce.
Okay.
"Aunt eater" A-U-N-T.
Does anyone else know about this Far Side? Funny.
Hey, lover.
Hi.
Ow.
Loud.
Um, well, you know, it was good seeing you.
Can you point me to Frankie's, um, work pen? Uh, I want to talk to her.
Well, she's with Roger, our CEO, at a business lunch they were supposed to be back from an hour ago, aka, they're totally boning.
She's cheating on Gerald with her boss? Did I hear "cheating"? Are we talking about the Patriots or are we talking about Roger and Frankie? Guys, come on.
Roger's a married man.
I'm sure they're just having lunch delivered by room service.
That's my boyfriend.
He's my new boyfriend.
And this is the dream factory.
This is where I shoot my makeup tutorials, I run my businesses, and I come up with ideas for new ones.
"Miniature elephants"? Super-small.
Why don't we just get started.
What are your long-term goals? Ooh, good question for me to ask you.
What are your long-term goals? My goals don't matter.
Wrong, they do matter.
You matter.
Please just say your goals.
I wanted to look at patio furniture before work.
I think we zeroed in on what the problem is.
Bad attitude.
Wait, what do you think is happening here? Oh, God, you think you're mentoring me? Yes.
No? - Why on earth would I need your advice? - Excuse me? No offense, but you're the most scattered person I've ever met.
If you're going to be successful, you've got to pick one thing.
Well, I'm sorry for having dreams, for wanting to be more than just "Jimmy's assistant.
" Everybody has dreams.
I was gonna be a soul singer.
But, like most people, I grew up and found a real job.
So first and last lesson: grow the hell up.
Hey, you're in my house.
No, I'm in your parents' house.
Business journal entry 63.
Had to kick a girl's ass today.
- Guess again.
- Oh, we can do this.
- Do you want to call your mommy? - Sister, these guns are gonna Peekaboo! Oh, hi, monkey-pie.
Oh, how was your nap? Come here.
Oh, look at you.
And then Elaine in accounting said that she heard noises coming from Roger's office, and then and then Jerry from I.
T.
, he said he definitely heard noises, and they were sex noises.
Wait, I-I thought Jerry was from HR.
No, Gary is from HR.
Gary from HR.
Pay attention, Victor.
So I should do something about this, right? No.
Uh-uh, no.
Absolutely do nothing.
Nada, nada.
Got it.
So you guys are on the fence.
No, we're really not.
Actually, it's What if I told you there was a way to expose Frankie for the cheater she is without having to lift a finger? If this is your stupid "Ryan's Roses" knockoff, I'm not interested.
Um, "knockoff"? No, this is completely different.
"Ravi's Rezzies" offers the suspected cheater a romantic dinner for two at Jimmy's.
If he shows up with his wife, then we're down a dinner, but if he shows up with his mistress, then he, sir, has been "Rezzied.
" No All right, I'm not interested.
And how is this any different than "Ryan's Roses"? Seacrest does it on the radio.
No, uh, you know what, I'm just gonna call Gerald.
I'm gonna tell him this girl's cheating on him.
Or you can tell him in person.
He just sat down.
Dad, you remember Frankie.
Of course! Try the calamari.
Can I speak with you real fast, please? What's going on here? Gerald thought it would be nice if we had dinner with his girlfriend.
She's his girlfriend now? Frankie is cheating on Gerald with her boss.
They hooked up at lunch today.
If you would have heard Mark from accounting do the noises, you'd be just as pissed as I am.
What the hell are you talking about? Did you go to her office? No.
Y-Yes.
Wow, I thought you were the cool detached guy.
When did you become a Jewish mother? Okay, we are gonna go back to that table, and you are not gonna do anything stupid while we get to know our son's girlfriend, who he really likes, which is all that matters.
Oh, apparently you don't care about cheating.
What, are you a Patriots fan? It's a sports thing.
- Hi.
May I join you? - Hey.
Yeah.
I'm so glad you can eat with us.
I can't promise how much I'll eat, 'cause I had a "late working lunch" today.
Anyone else here have a "working lunch" that went "late"? Going pretty hard on those air quotes.
So, Frankie, we've heard so many great things about you.
Oh, my gosh, that's such a relief considering the first impression I made at the club.
Jimmy, I asked Gerald to set up this dinner because I wanted you to know that was not me.
I'm not a club person, but some coworkers wanted to take me out to celebrate a promotion, and what was supposed to be one glass of prosecco turned into me force-feeding your son vodka - off of my stomach.
- Yeah.
But the real reason that I wanted to meet you: free dinner.
She's funny.
I feel like I'm in The Far Side.
I love free meals.
Who bought you lunch? Oh, gosh, don't get me started on that.
I have this really creepy boss who drags me to so-called business lunches and hits on me the entire time it's the worst.
Well, that is a horrible and very believable reason for you to have a late lunch with your boss.
Gerald - Are you sure? - Uh I thought we were cutting back on the carbs.
Yes.
Sorry.
Well, don't put it back after you touched it! Oop.
Now there's olive oil on your shirt.
Great.
Okay.
Up.
Come on.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Oh, I can't take him anywhere.
That's my son.
That bitch has got to go.
You forgot this.
Thanks.
So you think I'm a mess, huh? Yeah.
You're a mess, your ideas suck, and you sell an energy drink that exploded a cow heart in testing.
Hey, the cow had a pre-existing condition.
But you've got something more valuable than good ideas: you're fearless.
Maybe someday you can teach me a thing or two.
What are you doing? Teaching you a thing or two.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the soulful stylings of Annelise Wilkinson.
Holy crap.
This is your passion.
Get up here.
Be fearless.
Hi.
"Tempted" by Squeeze.
Take it up a half step.
Keep it in the pocket.
Count it off.
Some toothpaste A flannel for my face Pajamas, a hairbrush New shoes and a case I said to my reflection Let's get out of this place Did she ask me if she could do that? Maybe in an e-mail.
We cannot have our son's girlfriend bossing him around like that.
Who does she think she is, the bread police? Ooh, look at you.
I thought you were LL Chill Mom.
- LL Cool Mom.
- LL Cool Mom.
Frankie just got a text from somebody called "Big Daddy.
" Ooh, I'll bet that's her boss.
We shouldn't look at it though, right? No, definitely not.
A foot without a sock Your body gets much closer I fumble for the clock And then Big Daddy wrote, "You know who wants you so bad? Little Daddy.
" Ugh! He's got a name for it? That old perv.
Scroll up, scroll up.
Oh, oh, oh, look.
Two hours ago, she wrote, "I can't wait "for you to zap this bass.
"Oops, autocorrect, haha.
But seriously, I want you to tap this" - Okay, that is enough.
- Why are you looking at Frankie's phone? Uh Gerald, you should know something.
Hey, boo! Thought I'd bring by some homemade brownies, since someone brought me sushi at work today.
Holy crap.
You were at her work today? Yes, because Priya, I'm in love with you.
Oh, my God, it's happening And it's "Pree-ya.
" "Pree-ya.
" And while I was there, I found out she's having an affair with her boss.
What? I can't believe I won Ravi's Rezzies.
I never win anything! Tempted by the fruit of another! Yeah! Maybe a table away from the stage.
- Roger? - Frankie? Priya? That's Roger? Yeah.
What? Who? Hey! Ravi from Ravi's Rezzies.
You must be Roger.
Roger, tell us, who did you choose to share your Rezzie with? My wife, Evelyn.
Well, g-good news, everyone.
This guy checks out.
All right, back to the kitchen.
Dad, what the hell is going on? Well, I went to their office because I knew she was bad news and, you know, I wanted to have a chill conversation.
And to bring me sushi.
You know, it might not be with Roger, but she's definitely having an affair with someone.
Who's "Big Daddy"? I am.
I'm Big Daddy.
- Barf.
- I've been developing an app that lets you send out texts you write ahead of time and deliver them whenever you want.
I thought it'd be a fun, sexy way to surprise Frankie during dinner.
- It wasn't.
- But I don't understand.
If you and Roger aren't a thing, then why does everyone at your work think you're sleeping together? Mmm, risotto.
Oh, my God, are you still spreading rumors about me, you psychopath? I drove you around for a year! "Pree-ya" Priya, I don't love you anymore.
I understand.
And quite frankly, I have some things to work through.
Well, maybe we should all, uh, take turns apologizing to one another.
Mm-hmm.
You first.
No, thanks.
Let's go.
Whoo! I feel amazing.
I need a drink.
Any chance you want to make out? No, never mind.
Unless you're into it.
You know you sang like ass, right? Yeah.
That's why I feel amazing.
I know I made the right decision giving up on my dream.
I guess I was your mentor after all.
Huh.
Yeah, I guess so.
Sweet! That'll be 185 bucks.
Make the check out to "cash.
" Oh, you serious? Ger, I know you're not talking to us, but we wanted to drop by and give you this brand-new 3-D printer we got you.
You guys seriously bought me a regular black-and-white inkjet printer? Yep.
The guy at the store said he had the same one at home.
Enjoy.
I tried to explain it to him.
"Works with Windows.
" Gerald, I don't know what to say.
We messed up.
Not that it changes anything, but I only messed up right at the end.
Honestly, I don't know what's happening to me.
I mean, sure, we all think of me as this sexy guardian angel, but I guess at the end of the day, I I'm just a dad.
Just a normal, sexy dad.
Almost there.
Guys, I appreciate all the concern, and it makes me feel nice to have a dad that worries about me, but I'm an adult.
All right? If I want to get into a serious relationship with a girl I did body shots with at a nightclub, I'm gonna do it.
Okay? Mom, I can tell you're not a big fan of Frankie's.
What? But she's great for me.
You know my texting app? Uh-huh.
I've wanted to make that thing for, like, three years.
And then all of a sudden, I'm dating Frankie boom, I got a beta version in, like, a week.
I don't know why I'm explaining this.
It doesn't really matter if you like her, because I do.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to an insanely expensive hotel in Vegas with my lady.
These pre-made sandwiches should help offset the cost of the Backstage Penn & Teller Experience.
VIP seats.
Front row.
You can't afford that.
Here, let me give you some money.
Nope.
Like, here I am, meddling again.
No more meddling.
Meddling's okay.
Hey.
She'll probably want to get her nails done.
And massages.
There's the whole dolphin experience, you want to