Green Wing s01e07 Episode Script
Tangled Webs
I kissed Guy? Yes.
In the hall.
We kissed in the loo.
No, no, that was Sue White.
(blows raspberry ) You are a lovely little boy.
I want to know what would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time.
Oh, come on, Mum.
Don't you ever say that word! Joanna says you're to stop ringing her and she meant what she said.
- Get your dumped mitts off my tits! - I want I don't want to Stop it.
Get off me.
And then I kissed you - clearly not on purpose.
And then and then I left.
Slitty, slutty, slots! Go on, sod off! You're all the bloody same! - (Martin ) Caroline, are you in there? - I do! Er, I mean, I am.
I'll be out in a minute.
Meet the girls.
Pinky and Perky.
(instructor) And the side stretch.
Breathe in.
And take the ball Bloody shitting Who let you in here? I want a word with you, and I - You've got one last chance! - Get out! One last chance to have me back.
I'm Caroline Secretan, hi.
(French accent) Caroline Secretan.
Leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order.
Hello, I'm Caroline Macartney.
Caroline Macartney.
Hi.
Erm - Thanks for letting me stay.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- Where did you sleep? - On the sofa.
Oh.
Look at the state of me! I mean, my hair (stutters ) What do you think I've become?! - What have you become? - I'll tell you: a shadow of my former self.
A shadow of a pompous arse? (sniffs ) Yes, well, if something bad happens, then on your head it be! If what happens? If somebody steals all your pens again? Hey, how are you doing there? What's that? What, in my teeth? Oh, that's probably one of Caroline's pubes.
That is embarrassing.
- Martin, did I leave my watch in there? - Erm yeah.
- Can I just grab it then? - Erm, hang on.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
- Mm-hm.
- You OK? - Hm? - Are you OK? - Mm.
I'm just going to go to work now.
How are you getting there? (grunts '"On my scooter'") Sorry? - On my scooter.
I'll see you there.
- Yeah, OK, right.
If something really really bad happens to me, it'll be your fault! You're just trying to cheer me up, aren't you? - Yes, you'll be sorry! - Wrong! All right, you know, just, you know Don't worry, I'm not looking at your leotards.
And even if I was, I'm a ra - What the fuck is that? - My topmiler.
Your what? My new topmiler.
It needs a bit of cranking up - I've got a semifinal on Sunday.
Oh, yeah? This is your Whiteleaf thing, is it? - Whitliffe.
- I've seen it written down.
It says Whiteleaf.
I was there for 12 years, I think I know how it's pronounced, thank you.
So, semifinal, eh? - World Championship semifinal, yeah.
- Sorry, World Championship semifinal.
- How many people play Guy-ball? - It's '"Gee-ball'".
Of course, Gee-ball is Guy-ball, isn't it, actually? It's Guy-Secretan-ball.
- Yeah, laugh if you like.
- Thank Christ for that.
This country could soon have a new world champion.
God knows, we've got precious few of those.
To get to the semifinal, was it, er, two fixtures that you played? Well, I had a walkover in the first round.
Marcus Guisler had shin splints - big Austrian.
So that was, what, one match? One weedy match.
I did win it in five straight clappers.
What? Oi! Is that a? Did you Is that Oi! Marty! Ooh, results.
- I haven't managed to open it yet.
- My fingers may be stronger.
Oh, no! Martin's results.
- Well, open it.
- I will.
- When? - When I'm ready.
- I'll give you a fiver if you open it.
- No.
I'll give you ten quid and a kiss.
- No tongues.
- No.
- 20 quid and a hand job? - No way.
Go on, name your price.
What, to open it now before I'm ready? Before I am properly mentally attuned? Yes.
£160.
- I think I'll wait.
- Yeah.
Right, here you go.
160? 20 No, no, no, sorry, I meant half a million pounds.
Ooh.
Too hot for me.
I fold.
- Seen Mac? - No.
- Or Guy? - No.
Typical! Even the available men aren't.
- I love you.
- What? Nothing.
I've just seen the face of Jesus at the window.
OK.
Mashed potato.
Right.
- One - Yeah.
Two - Three Ready? - Yeah.
- Go.
- (makes aeroplane noises ) One new message.
(beep ) (Joanna ) It's over, Alan.
Never contact me.
You will never feel my supervagina again.
(phone hung up ) I wish people would leave a name! Huh.
All work and no play - Do I get a medal? - Your reward will be in Devon.
Devon? Oh, no, sorry.
It's heaven, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.
I used to get them confused as a kid.
You know, when people die, they go to Devon.
- That's funny.
- Well, not really, no.
Ruined my summer holidays - I thought my whole family was dead.
Mac, do you think you'll ever have kids? Whose are these, do you think? I have no idea.
Here.
Come here.
Oh! Ooh, Nurse Todd, but you look beautiful with your glasses on.
Oh, no, they smell.
Rough.
Phew.
See you later, smelly four-eyes.
Dr Caroline Macartney.
- What is that? - It's a kid.
What do they eat? - Is it lost? - No, no.
I borrowed it off someone, cos apparently women love it and I'm trying to pull.
- Do anything for me? Is it working? - Not really, no.
No, didn't think so.
Here, you have it.
Huh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi, there.
Do you want do you want one of these? - Yes, please.
- Well, you can't have it.
Don't forget you've got students waiting.
We were going to stop him, but we thought you'd be cross.
Mm.
Well, I think I've made my point.
Yes Oh Er, actually I might need a bit of help.
Hello? Hello? Anyone? Oh, dear.
Hello? I need a wee.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Just looking at those children.
- I see.
- I love children.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm not a paedophile or anything, obviously.
I just think they're great.
Oh I hate to see them suffering.
Do you like kids? - Er, yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm just getting broody, I guess.
There's one hell of a dad in me, bursting to get out.
Crikey.
You know, I believe that children are our future.
- '"Teach them well, let them lead the way'"? - Sorry? It's Whitney Houston.
Children are our future, da da da My God! My God! She knew what she was talking about.
Dr Caroline Secretan.
Hi, hi.
Dr Caroline Secretan.
I'm Dr Caroline Secretan.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm completely naked under here.
OK - Do you want to see? - Not really.
I wouldn't mind.
- I don't think I can go through with it.
- Well, don't.
If I fail, I'm dead meat, and I'm up to my ears in debt, so What do you mean, don't? Well, just pretend it doesn't exist.
There.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Right.
Right, blow.
Don't get any spit on them! I've got a doctor's pubic hair in my tummy.
OK.
Blow.
Right, fuck off.
- Is it Mac's? - No! Oh, can I get my results envelope back, please? Your what? Results envelope back, that you are sitting on.
Please.
What envelope? Right, I'm going to wait.
That part of the day we've all been looking forward to.
Nurse Richardson, perhaps you'd like to choose, movie genre or regional accent? - Regional accent, please.
- Excellent choice.
Dr Todd, perhaps you'd like to pick today's regional accent.
- Surrey.
Buckinghamshire.
Er, Swiss.
- Northeast, Newcastle.
Tricky, but always very funny.
Good choice.
(Geordie) All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation? (pathetic attempts ) Yahs, I think we should.
Yes, I think we should.
Oh, I'm not doing it.
It's silly.
I was just gannin' to fetch youse a bonny scalpel, pet.
Aye, thank you.
Would you like a little fishy on a little dishy? - (stilted) Why, aye.
- Ah, champion.
Thou shalt have a mackerel.
All reet, then, let's not waste any more time, so it's eyes doon and let's open her up.
Is she totally oot? (more Austrian ) Yahs, I think she's totally out.
Yahs, she's totally - Oh, I'm not playing.
- Ah, come on, man, come and play.
I'd have done it if it was movies.
What? Does it say '"No smoking'"? (Geordie-ish ) Does it say no smoking? What way to the dole office? Do you know, I'm unemployed and I have a mullet.
Next! Stop talking like bloody Jimmy Nail or Ant and Dec, or I'll turn off the machine! All reet, pets, I want you all to resume normal accentage.
I'm just saying that if he's failed again, I think it might tip him over the edge.
Survival of the fittest.
Grrr! Martin needs to toughen up.
Come on! Maybe he's not cut out to be a doctor.
Maybe he should just, I don't know, stick to being like a nurse.
I mean, they can be as thick as pigshit.
Ow! Fucking ow! - Sorry about that.
- I could've got concussion! - Toughen up, Guy.
- Survival of the fittest.
Take that, '"Dealing With Difficult People'", and fuck off! Wanker! Hold on, watch this.
Ahh Now that's (attempts accent) magic! Magic! - Magic? - That's magic.
Ooh, no! Oh, it's been right up my anus.
(taping noises ) (taping noises ) Up, up, up.
- I'm worried about my hair.
- Don't be such a wimp.
Why can't we use the proper thing with the leather strap? Use an international-standard topmiler? Don't be ridiculous.
Anyway, it's mine.
OK, this is a classic three-person variation of the game.
Tilt your head forward Arrête! We just have to put the ball into the basket.
I can't see patients with a basket on my head.
No way! Stay in the parish.
If you reach the maison, put your left arm up and shout '"Maison'".
Maison! No burrow tactics and no hedgehogs.
Is that clear? - No.
Not really.
I can't - OK.
I won the toss, so stickles are random and it's a two-bounce ubique.
Right, go, move.
Run, run! Move, damn it, or I'll towel-whip you! Right, my friend, the game is on.
- One thing - What? - Martin likes me! - Gaaa-ha-ha! - You think you're clever, don't you? - Reasonably, yes.
You think you're so clever.
You think you're a real man because you've got Joanna trotting after you like a puppy! If you say so.
Well, we are going to find out who the real man is, right now! - If I could just drink my coffee - I bet you would, but that's not an option! - What's that? - This is how we'll decide.
- What? - Tug of war.
Get up.
- You've got to be joking.
- Get up.
A tug of war.
- I don't want to.
- Get up now! Get up for the tug of war! Get up, get up, get up, get up Right, give me that.
- Ready? - Ready.
And go! Wrong shoes.
Wait there.
(chimes tinkle) Having spread that little bit of joy, I'm out of here.
Thank you.
Very good.
Goodbye.
- Bye.
- (singsong) Bye.
- Who was that again? - Guy - No, that can't be right.
I'm Guy.
- No, listen.
There's something I've been meaning to say to you.
We can't, not here.
People are watching.
Anyway, it wouldn't be hygienic.
Just stop it for once, will you? You seem a complete knobhead, obviously, and everyone knows you're a bastard - Thank you very much! - But I think I know why you do it.
Now, in there you're the only one who doesn't use a mask.
Right? But actually you do.
There's layers and layers of mask.
And I think that if you just peeled back the layers of mask, then the onion becomes a lot less of a red herring.
- Does it? - Yes.
And, you see, there are good bits to the onion, like at my party and your thoughtful presents, and the man who thinks that children are the future.
But it's all surrounded by these yucky layers that have all gone a bit yellow and this hard outer shiny skin of someone who's pretending to be unlovable, but, well, maybe he's just scared, I don't know.
Maybe he needs to find someone who can peel back all the layers and look at the raw, sensitive vegetable in the mirror.
My God You're the first person who's ever really understood.
What? You're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me.
OK OK, so maybe we can have a grown-up chat, you know, cut through all the bullshit.
Oh, maybe we could go for a drive in the country - you know, fresh air, open spaces, meee - I'm strangely aroused.
- Inevitably.
I assume we won't be heading too far north.
No.
Well, my car is instantly immobilised if I go past Luton.
(chimes tinkle) (male voice from outside) All by myself I don't want to be All by myself any more Still here.
All by Open it.
(chants ) Open it, open it, open it, open it Oi.
I've written a song.
It goes: Who's the man, who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes, yes, I am That's a really good song.
Just going to get a salad.
All right, wee man? Yeah.
You seem pleased with yourself - more than usual, I mean.
Yep.
Because I've cracked it - me and Caroline.
I thought you might like to be first to know.
What, you and Caroline have? You No.
What, you mean, you and? Where? Not yet, but you're right, no point wasting time.
Thanks.
Tonight is the night.
- No, I didn't mean - Could you pop out for me to get condoms? I know what you're going to say - surely I've got condoms already? Well, yes, I have, but I need special ones.
The pharmacy will know what I'm talking about.
You don't need any money, I've got an account.
- I'm not - Go! - But - Now! Oh, I always wanted one of those.
- What's that, a small boy? - (romantic music) No, a remote-controlled car.
Don't move.
(chimes tinkle) - Here we go.
- I can't believe you gave him a lighter! It's all right, they're five for a pound.
- Mac?! - They only spark.
He'll be fine.
Ready? Live the dream.
Oh, sorry.
Nice one.
Living up to expectations? All right, just wait a second.
Oh.
Erm One early tip is to master the basic controls first and leave the big stunts until later.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
- Let me show you.
- No, I'll be fine.
No, go on, trust me.
That's forwards and backwards, yeah? That is left and right.
Left and right, forwards and backwards.
And is that the same as we grown-ups call reverse? - Being patronising? - No, just childish.
Well, thank God for that.
Here we go.
Forwards and backwards I'll, erm - I'll remove my arm, then.
- Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.
Well, yeah, thanks for the ride.
Thank you very much.
Can you smell burning? (chimes tinkle) I don't know, I don't know! They're all the same! She hates me! OK, let's just calm down, Dr Statham.
Let's try to deal with this rationally.
Right? Let's take a few moments to breathe deeply.
All right, if you think that'll help.
That's it, that's it.
Close your eyes and just try to relax.
That's it.
Just centre yourself.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, and in a sense that does Oh, you bloody bastard! You bloody bastard! You bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody bastard! (phone rings ) Yes, hello? No.
No, no, no, I'm afraid she's just nipped out to poo on a plate! No Director of Finance, yes.
All right, wait Hm? No, no, this is not Alan Statham, it's somebody completely different.
Right.
Yes.
(Caroline) Think positively, breathe, and just do it.
It'll be fine.
- But what if it isn't? - We're here for you.
- What the fuck is all this therapy shit? - It's here! What is, Christmas? A new ice age? A cleaner, brighter wash? What? - Martin's got his results.
- Oh, is it terminal? - His MRCP.
- Oh, I feel sick.
So do I.
It's the aroma of women who care, mingled with Martin's fear.
- If I've failed, that's going to be the end.
- Thank God for that! Look, this is actually quite a big deal! OK, then.
Well, let's get it over with.
It's eating away at you like a cancerous growth.
Let's whip it out.
- You can't do that.
- I'll do it.
Listen.
You'll thank me for this later.
Let's get it over with.
- No.
- Martin, maybe it's for the best.
OK, right.
Whatever I do, don't stop, just open it, OK? All right.
- No! - Can you restrain him, please? Ready? Here I go.
Hear that? That's the result, there it is.
Oh, yes, oh, oh, oh Ooh.
- I know the answer.
- Oh, God It's in my head.
It exists.
Do you want to hear it? No.
Yes.
Go on, tell me, quick.
Martin Dear Yeah? You have - Oh, come on, Guy, get on with it! - OK.
Now, Martin Dear you have - Who wants to suck my cock? - No! Martin might want to in a minute, because, congratulations, you have passed with merit! You are now a (slow motion ) proper doctor! (musical interlude) (slow motion ) Good boy! Yes! Yes! Hooray! Martin, yes! (Boyce) Marty! Marty! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
What's wrong with you? Are you mad? I was joking.
Of course he didn't pass.
He failed.
What's wrong with you people? What? What? What?! Oh, so now I'm not allowed to make jokes about Martin and his exams, is that it? Is that Oh, Christ! Well? I failed.
Oh, boo-hoo.
God Tosser! That's how I lost my virginity.
She had nice tits for a 45-year-old.
I haven't seen her since, though.
(Mac breathes heavily ) Well? Well what, you scrawny poof? You're not a poof! You're not a poof! You're not a poof! And? And you are a poof! - Come on! Come on! - What are you doing?! - Get off! - Not the hands, not the hands! Yeah, well, not the hair! Mac, that is really sharp.
- That's hot.
- Yeah, and I'll use it! - Argh! - Mac! Don't! Don't! Put it down! Put the coffee down! Put it down! We'll talk.
I'm sorry.
I'm putting it down.
Look.
OK? It's down, all right? Now we'll just sit down and we'll talk, OK? No, the other chair.
I'll sit on this chair.
Sit down.
All right? Out of my way, baldy! Hi.
Ow! You've got your knee on my balls! Ow! My knee Your knee Shit! Oh, you bitch! They're all bitches! So thank you, thank you, God! Thank you so very much for ruining my life - if you exist, which I doubt, otherwise you wouldn't have taken her from me.
Right, one more chance.
One more chance to bring her back.
I'll start counting.
Right.
One two three Come on! Four.
Five.
- (woman ) Hello, there.
- Oh, my fucksie! Oh.
I I thought you were her.
But I suppose I have to face it.
God's a sod.
She's gone.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Was it sudden? Yes.
Yes and no.
It's, erm In a sense I could see it coming and in another sense, I I couldn't.
- It doesn't make it any easier, does it? - No.
No.
And here I am, an empty h-h-hole.
Would you like to light a candle for her? Some people find that very comforting.
Death is never easy.
My God, is she dead?! - Who? - Joanna? - Joanna? - Joanna? - Joanna? - She No.
No, no! No, no, no.
No, she just dumped me, like a piece of old furniture that - I assumed she'd died.
- No, no, no.
Erm, I'm a consultant here, by the way.
Dr Alan Statham, radiology.
- Cordelia Denby, chaplain.
- Chaplain Oh, the '"God sod'" business, that's we'll overlook.
Could we light a candle for her anyway? Yes, of course.
- Properly.
- Erm Je suis désolé.
- In English.
- Oh, God Martin, I'm really s I'm really s I'm really s-s-sorry that I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
Now hug.
- (both ) What? - I said hug.
Fucking hug! I said hug! All right, don't try and cop a feel.
Ow! Oh, are you all right? I want Mac struck off.
He's gay and I've got proof.
So if you could please get out the appropriate form, I Who's the bearded ponce? Is that Noel Edmonds? Oh.
Erm Oh, it doesn't matter.
'"Long ago, the people of the earth were being bad, and this made God very sad.
'" '"He wanted to wash his world clean again.
He would make it rain.
'" Noah.
Yes, that's right, Alan.
Very good.
Let's not shout out.
It's not a test.
Let's just listen and enjoy.
'"But there was a good man, and his name was Noah.
'" - Thanking you most kindly.
- No, thank you.
My, aren't we civilised.
God save the Queen.
- Now I have seen everything.
- She's not here, is she? No, look - he's signing.
Incredible.
He's got hidden talents.
He seems like such a wanker in public.
In private, he's practically a saint.
Greetings, dogsbody.
- I didn't know you could sign.
- Well, got to make an effort, haven't you? So, he a deaf relative, is he? No, that is Dominic Carver, a guy I was at school with.
- He must've been a really good friend.
- No.
Jesus, no! He used to pull these faces whenever he tried to say anything.
And he'd make this popping noise with his mouth.
I couldn't bear him.
Then why did you learn sign language? I didn't.
I can only do '"I don't understand sign language'" and '"Fuck you, deaf boy.
'" Yeah, well What? Yeah, well, very funny, Stevie Wonder! No, he was blind, wasn't he? He said he'd hurt his finger See the spittle? And the popping noises Loser! He can't hear me, that's the (Alan ) Otherwise known as the Ark.
'"Now, Noah had three sons.
'" Perhaps Alan can tell us their names? Hob? Paph Papheth? Meke? - '"Their names were Ham'" - Ham.
- '".
.
Shem'" - Yes, Shep.
- '".
.
and Ja'" - Jab.
'".
.
Japheth.
'" ('"We Are the Champions'" by Queen ) - We are - The champions, my friend We'll keep on (omits word) till the end You've got four Queen CDs.
- So? - Four? - What's wrong with that? They're good.
- That's as maybe.
It's too many.
Brian May caresses that guitar like a woman.
Oh, do women make better guitarists? No, like the guitar's a woman.
He's not a woman.
- He looks like one.
- No, no, no.
Very much a hot-blooded male, is Brian.
- What, like Freddie Mercury? - Yeah.
- What? - What? Freddie Mercury, the one that was in Queen? Hot-blooded male, straight? Probably.
I don't know.
- You don't know? - Does it matter? Well, not to me, no, but as a fan I think you ought to know he was gay.
- Big deal.
- But it's been no bed of roses No pleasure cruise Shall we have something else? I mean, I'm not homophobic.
No, no.
I know.
It's just you get certain things, images, pictures in your head, and then Anyway - You've spoilt it for me now.
- Sorry.
('"Your Song'" by Elton John ) It's a little bit funny Now that's more like it! This feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide (car horns toot) - (woman ) Sorry.
- It's all right.
Bye, Josh.
What a lovely-looking kid.
- Well, this is nice.
- Yeah.
Oi! Get out of there! That took me ages, that did! I said get out of there! I'm talking to you, blondie! That is my Sometimes I love kids, though.
Absolutely love them.
Have you had operatic training? - I do sing, actually.
Could you tell? - Yeah.
Oh, you remembered: It's a little bit funny - Don't start that again.
- I know quite a few of his songs.
I know.
You-you spread love like like honey.
Like butter and honey.
- His love.
- Well, and your love.
- No, not so much, actually.
- I can I can feel it.
Well, that's very interesting Erm Can you feel mine? I think you're confusing two different kinds of love.
- Love is love, isn't it? - No, I don't think it is, actually.
Well, we must all love each other, surely.
Yes.
- So I love you - OK And you love me I see what you're getting at, and in a way it's a sound argument There we are, that's settled then.
We love each other.
- No, you see - I have to go now.
Duty calls.
But can I come back later and pick up where we left off? - How much later? - 20 minutes? - Sure you're getting enough work done? - Work, yes, but we have fatter fish to fry.
- Was I supposed to bring sandwiches? - Oh, I thought we could feed the deer.
- On bread? - Yeah.
Don't they eat bread? Not usually.
There's a shortage of good bakeries in the forest.
They've had to adapt to eating bark, things like that.
It's wholemeal.
Right.
Oh, look, nettles.
I bet you'd think these would sting me.
- Nettles will sting you.
- That's where you're wrong.
It's all about the way you hold them.
OK, watch this, all right? - Are you ready? - Ooh It's all about the direction of the hairs.
Pretty impressive, eh? Yeah.
You are the complete man.
I see that now.
Sheep! Get down, get down! It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time.
Together.
Key member of the team, no.
Scatterbrained floozy, yes.
OK, right, I don't want to be without the scatterbrained floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
- Well, there is more than adequate cover.
- I don't think there is.
Guy is far from irreplaceable.
Now that's something you've always said.
I've always said that, yeah.
Guy, very happy to have him out of my sight.
And you managed fine before the scatterbrained floozy arrived.
Did I? Yeah, I suppose I did.
So what's the problem? I don't want them to be off both at the same time.
I don't.
- Why? - Just because.
- Because why? - Because because Guy is a wanker.
Well, actually, I don't draw up the rosters.
Sorry, are you on my side or not? Dr Macartney, yes, I am on your side.
I'm always on your side.
You know, I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm under your side - It's time for me to go now.
Thank you.
- I'm all over your side I can do headstands.
Now, would you like to see that? Would you? - The - ( door closes ) Like to see that Yeah Oh Oh, look, sheep.
Love them.
- I think it's a calf.
- Oh.
- If you, er, if you had a son - Yeah? .
.
would you encourage him to go into medicine? Erm No, I would encourage him to go into Formula One.
No! He might get killed.
Yeah, but come on, buckets of dosh, loads of gash I'm sorry? '"Gash'"? Erm, yeah, it's a motor racing term.
It stands for gearbox and suspension hiccup.
- Oh, that'd be irresistible to any young man.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it would.
- Oh, no, it was a sheep.
- It does look like a Mazda.
Before we get started, erm, guys, I'd just like to say a few words, if I may.
O Lord, help us to understand more clearly the complexities of your creation, to see its beauty and comprehend the the totality of all your works.
Help us to humbly pay attention and not try to undermine the authority of those you have so rightly put in charge, with with insolence and silliness.
Amen.
- That was for my benefit, wasn't it? - Pardon? That last bit, the '"insolence and silliness'"? Well, that's not for me to say, Mr Boyce, or maybe for you to fathom, if that were to indeed be the case, or otherwise.
It was just a dig at me because you find me infuriating.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
And if that indeed were to prove to be the case, Mr Boyce, I do solemnly forgive you.
- And I forgive you.
- Pardon? - I forgive you.
- No, no, I forgive you.
And I forgive you.
Mr Boyce, if anybody is going to do forgiving, it'll be me.
- But in the Lord's Prayer it says - Forgive me, but No, don't forgive me, but I think you probably know as much about our Lord the Jesus as you do about - I'm Jewish.
- No way are you Jewish.
No, I am Jewish.
I'm a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David.
OK, prove it.
Lend me some money.
- No.
- No? Are you circumcised? I might be.
Might not be.
Could just be for hygiene reasons.
Right, come on, show us your foreskin.
- No.
- Mucky cock! Yeah, but how would you feel if you were a fox? I'd love it.
I'd relish the challenge.
I'd look at the hounds and go, '"Bring it on.
'" But that's because you're quite sporty.
How would you feel if you were a non-sporty fox? - What, a geeky intellectual fox? - If you like.
Well, then I would accept that I was a pest and needed to be culled on a large scale.
- That's very selfless of you.
- Well, you did say I was intellectual.
Yeah, but supposing you were chased into the next county and you had to abandon your poor little cubs.
Well, then I'd find me another supervixen and I'd (blows ) .
.
I'd start all over again.
Yes.
Yes, I think you would.
Shall we get back now? - But that was only hypothetical, wasn't it? - Well, yes, you're not actually a fox, Guy.
That's just what I'd do if I was a fox, and I'm not, I'm a human being.
- Are you? - Yeah, and I'm going back for them.
- What? - I'm going back for the cubs.
- Oh, it's too late now.
- No, it's not too late.
- Oh, it really is.
- Why? - The hounds tore them to shreds.
- No!! - What are you doing? Get up.
- Argh! My cubs! My cubs! Oh, no! No! Don't You're going to rip my top.
Get off.
My cubs.
My cubs, dead Why? How could you let this happen?! Aargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaarrgh! Aaaaarrgghh! (chaplain ) There are times when you can't be with your husband, and I understand that waiting rooms are depressing places at the best of times.
You'd be surprised how many people prefer to spend time here - not for any religious reason, but because it's a peaceful and relaxing place, at a very stressful time.
Yes, that's right.
It's also nice to escape from the medical paraphernalia, the doctors everywhere.
It's just nice to cut yourself off for a few moments.
We feel it's important to to escape.
- Was there something that you wanted? - Me? No, no.
- Just do feel that we are here for you.
- No, I'm here.
Togetherness, as the Lord said himself.
- Right.
Would you like to come through - Yes.
It's a little bit funny This feeling inside I forgot my stupid house keys.
You all right? No.
I'm exhausted, I've eaten my body weight in chocolate in the car, I'm all bloated and my feet hurt.
And I haven't had sex in months.
I know how you feel.
You're late.
Look, Martin, what I just said about not having had sex in a while - Yes? - Well, I was wondering Yeah.
Yes, I will.
- I haven't told you what I want you to do.
- Don't worry, I'm a really adventurous man.
- Are you? - Yes.
I just don't want you to go round telling everyone that I haven't had sex in ages.
Fine.
OK, well, my lips are sealed.
Oh, thanks, Martin.
(Scottish ) So, you want your ginger friend placed in bin bags all over the city, do you? - Jesus, no! - It's all right, just kidding.
So, how much for what we discussed? - What, for cutting his hair off? - Yeah.
Two.
Two thousand pounds?! No! Two hundred.
Jesus! Oh, right.
Oh, you're like a girl, aren't you? I can say anything to you.
No, no, I'm not a girl.
I am a man, with a man's needs.
Yeah, but to me you're just like a girlfriend.
Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you sleep with? No.
If I'm going to do this thing, I need to know that you've thought it through.
So tell me, have you thought it through? No.
People don't normally.
Usually it's just a case of, '"Oh, there's a man with long hair who's irritating me.
'" '"I'll call up Scissors Bentley to have him taken down a peg or two.
'" - That's what I thought.
- Don't look at me or touch me.
And you still want me to do it? No.
Really? Bugger! What about a really tight perm, or an afro, you know, like early Jackson Five? What am I, a stylist?! Oh, sorry.
Did I leave a packet of bonbons here? Erm, I don't think you did actually, Julian.
Maybe by the table.
Stop it, Mac! I know it's you! Stop it! Sorry, love.
It's all right, I'm just waiting.
- I think she gone home, you know.
- Yes, I'm just waiting for Jesus.
Michael Callaghan
In the hall.
We kissed in the loo.
No, no, that was Sue White.
(blows raspberry ) You are a lovely little boy.
I want to know what would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time.
Oh, come on, Mum.
Don't you ever say that word! Joanna says you're to stop ringing her and she meant what she said.
- Get your dumped mitts off my tits! - I want I don't want to Stop it.
Get off me.
And then I kissed you - clearly not on purpose.
And then and then I left.
Slitty, slutty, slots! Go on, sod off! You're all the bloody same! - (Martin ) Caroline, are you in there? - I do! Er, I mean, I am.
I'll be out in a minute.
Meet the girls.
Pinky and Perky.
(instructor) And the side stretch.
Breathe in.
And take the ball Bloody shitting Who let you in here? I want a word with you, and I - You've got one last chance! - Get out! One last chance to have me back.
I'm Caroline Secretan, hi.
(French accent) Caroline Secretan.
Leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order.
Hello, I'm Caroline Macartney.
Caroline Macartney.
Hi.
Erm - Thanks for letting me stay.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- Where did you sleep? - On the sofa.
Oh.
Look at the state of me! I mean, my hair (stutters ) What do you think I've become?! - What have you become? - I'll tell you: a shadow of my former self.
A shadow of a pompous arse? (sniffs ) Yes, well, if something bad happens, then on your head it be! If what happens? If somebody steals all your pens again? Hey, how are you doing there? What's that? What, in my teeth? Oh, that's probably one of Caroline's pubes.
That is embarrassing.
- Martin, did I leave my watch in there? - Erm yeah.
- Can I just grab it then? - Erm, hang on.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
- Mm-hm.
- You OK? - Hm? - Are you OK? - Mm.
I'm just going to go to work now.
How are you getting there? (grunts '"On my scooter'") Sorry? - On my scooter.
I'll see you there.
- Yeah, OK, right.
If something really really bad happens to me, it'll be your fault! You're just trying to cheer me up, aren't you? - Yes, you'll be sorry! - Wrong! All right, you know, just, you know Don't worry, I'm not looking at your leotards.
And even if I was, I'm a ra - What the fuck is that? - My topmiler.
Your what? My new topmiler.
It needs a bit of cranking up - I've got a semifinal on Sunday.
Oh, yeah? This is your Whiteleaf thing, is it? - Whitliffe.
- I've seen it written down.
It says Whiteleaf.
I was there for 12 years, I think I know how it's pronounced, thank you.
So, semifinal, eh? - World Championship semifinal, yeah.
- Sorry, World Championship semifinal.
- How many people play Guy-ball? - It's '"Gee-ball'".
Of course, Gee-ball is Guy-ball, isn't it, actually? It's Guy-Secretan-ball.
- Yeah, laugh if you like.
- Thank Christ for that.
This country could soon have a new world champion.
God knows, we've got precious few of those.
To get to the semifinal, was it, er, two fixtures that you played? Well, I had a walkover in the first round.
Marcus Guisler had shin splints - big Austrian.
So that was, what, one match? One weedy match.
I did win it in five straight clappers.
What? Oi! Is that a? Did you Is that Oi! Marty! Ooh, results.
- I haven't managed to open it yet.
- My fingers may be stronger.
Oh, no! Martin's results.
- Well, open it.
- I will.
- When? - When I'm ready.
- I'll give you a fiver if you open it.
- No.
I'll give you ten quid and a kiss.
- No tongues.
- No.
- 20 quid and a hand job? - No way.
Go on, name your price.
What, to open it now before I'm ready? Before I am properly mentally attuned? Yes.
£160.
- I think I'll wait.
- Yeah.
Right, here you go.
160? 20 No, no, no, sorry, I meant half a million pounds.
Ooh.
Too hot for me.
I fold.
- Seen Mac? - No.
- Or Guy? - No.
Typical! Even the available men aren't.
- I love you.
- What? Nothing.
I've just seen the face of Jesus at the window.
OK.
Mashed potato.
Right.
- One - Yeah.
Two - Three Ready? - Yeah.
- Go.
- (makes aeroplane noises ) One new message.
(beep ) (Joanna ) It's over, Alan.
Never contact me.
You will never feel my supervagina again.
(phone hung up ) I wish people would leave a name! Huh.
All work and no play - Do I get a medal? - Your reward will be in Devon.
Devon? Oh, no, sorry.
It's heaven, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.
I used to get them confused as a kid.
You know, when people die, they go to Devon.
- That's funny.
- Well, not really, no.
Ruined my summer holidays - I thought my whole family was dead.
Mac, do you think you'll ever have kids? Whose are these, do you think? I have no idea.
Here.
Come here.
Oh! Ooh, Nurse Todd, but you look beautiful with your glasses on.
Oh, no, they smell.
Rough.
Phew.
See you later, smelly four-eyes.
Dr Caroline Macartney.
- What is that? - It's a kid.
What do they eat? - Is it lost? - No, no.
I borrowed it off someone, cos apparently women love it and I'm trying to pull.
- Do anything for me? Is it working? - Not really, no.
No, didn't think so.
Here, you have it.
Huh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi, there.
Do you want do you want one of these? - Yes, please.
- Well, you can't have it.
Don't forget you've got students waiting.
We were going to stop him, but we thought you'd be cross.
Mm.
Well, I think I've made my point.
Yes Oh Er, actually I might need a bit of help.
Hello? Hello? Anyone? Oh, dear.
Hello? I need a wee.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Just looking at those children.
- I see.
- I love children.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm not a paedophile or anything, obviously.
I just think they're great.
Oh I hate to see them suffering.
Do you like kids? - Er, yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm just getting broody, I guess.
There's one hell of a dad in me, bursting to get out.
Crikey.
You know, I believe that children are our future.
- '"Teach them well, let them lead the way'"? - Sorry? It's Whitney Houston.
Children are our future, da da da My God! My God! She knew what she was talking about.
Dr Caroline Secretan.
Hi, hi.
Dr Caroline Secretan.
I'm Dr Caroline Secretan.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm completely naked under here.
OK - Do you want to see? - Not really.
I wouldn't mind.
- I don't think I can go through with it.
- Well, don't.
If I fail, I'm dead meat, and I'm up to my ears in debt, so What do you mean, don't? Well, just pretend it doesn't exist.
There.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Right.
Right, blow.
Don't get any spit on them! I've got a doctor's pubic hair in my tummy.
OK.
Blow.
Right, fuck off.
- Is it Mac's? - No! Oh, can I get my results envelope back, please? Your what? Results envelope back, that you are sitting on.
Please.
What envelope? Right, I'm going to wait.
That part of the day we've all been looking forward to.
Nurse Richardson, perhaps you'd like to choose, movie genre or regional accent? - Regional accent, please.
- Excellent choice.
Dr Todd, perhaps you'd like to pick today's regional accent.
- Surrey.
Buckinghamshire.
Er, Swiss.
- Northeast, Newcastle.
Tricky, but always very funny.
Good choice.
(Geordie) All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation? (pathetic attempts ) Yahs, I think we should.
Yes, I think we should.
Oh, I'm not doing it.
It's silly.
I was just gannin' to fetch youse a bonny scalpel, pet.
Aye, thank you.
Would you like a little fishy on a little dishy? - (stilted) Why, aye.
- Ah, champion.
Thou shalt have a mackerel.
All reet, then, let's not waste any more time, so it's eyes doon and let's open her up.
Is she totally oot? (more Austrian ) Yahs, I think she's totally out.
Yahs, she's totally - Oh, I'm not playing.
- Ah, come on, man, come and play.
I'd have done it if it was movies.
What? Does it say '"No smoking'"? (Geordie-ish ) Does it say no smoking? What way to the dole office? Do you know, I'm unemployed and I have a mullet.
Next! Stop talking like bloody Jimmy Nail or Ant and Dec, or I'll turn off the machine! All reet, pets, I want you all to resume normal accentage.
I'm just saying that if he's failed again, I think it might tip him over the edge.
Survival of the fittest.
Grrr! Martin needs to toughen up.
Come on! Maybe he's not cut out to be a doctor.
Maybe he should just, I don't know, stick to being like a nurse.
I mean, they can be as thick as pigshit.
Ow! Fucking ow! - Sorry about that.
- I could've got concussion! - Toughen up, Guy.
- Survival of the fittest.
Take that, '"Dealing With Difficult People'", and fuck off! Wanker! Hold on, watch this.
Ahh Now that's (attempts accent) magic! Magic! - Magic? - That's magic.
Ooh, no! Oh, it's been right up my anus.
(taping noises ) (taping noises ) Up, up, up.
- I'm worried about my hair.
- Don't be such a wimp.
Why can't we use the proper thing with the leather strap? Use an international-standard topmiler? Don't be ridiculous.
Anyway, it's mine.
OK, this is a classic three-person variation of the game.
Tilt your head forward Arrête! We just have to put the ball into the basket.
I can't see patients with a basket on my head.
No way! Stay in the parish.
If you reach the maison, put your left arm up and shout '"Maison'".
Maison! No burrow tactics and no hedgehogs.
Is that clear? - No.
Not really.
I can't - OK.
I won the toss, so stickles are random and it's a two-bounce ubique.
Right, go, move.
Run, run! Move, damn it, or I'll towel-whip you! Right, my friend, the game is on.
- One thing - What? - Martin likes me! - Gaaa-ha-ha! - You think you're clever, don't you? - Reasonably, yes.
You think you're so clever.
You think you're a real man because you've got Joanna trotting after you like a puppy! If you say so.
Well, we are going to find out who the real man is, right now! - If I could just drink my coffee - I bet you would, but that's not an option! - What's that? - This is how we'll decide.
- What? - Tug of war.
Get up.
- You've got to be joking.
- Get up.
A tug of war.
- I don't want to.
- Get up now! Get up for the tug of war! Get up, get up, get up, get up Right, give me that.
- Ready? - Ready.
And go! Wrong shoes.
Wait there.
(chimes tinkle) Having spread that little bit of joy, I'm out of here.
Thank you.
Very good.
Goodbye.
- Bye.
- (singsong) Bye.
- Who was that again? - Guy - No, that can't be right.
I'm Guy.
- No, listen.
There's something I've been meaning to say to you.
We can't, not here.
People are watching.
Anyway, it wouldn't be hygienic.
Just stop it for once, will you? You seem a complete knobhead, obviously, and everyone knows you're a bastard - Thank you very much! - But I think I know why you do it.
Now, in there you're the only one who doesn't use a mask.
Right? But actually you do.
There's layers and layers of mask.
And I think that if you just peeled back the layers of mask, then the onion becomes a lot less of a red herring.
- Does it? - Yes.
And, you see, there are good bits to the onion, like at my party and your thoughtful presents, and the man who thinks that children are the future.
But it's all surrounded by these yucky layers that have all gone a bit yellow and this hard outer shiny skin of someone who's pretending to be unlovable, but, well, maybe he's just scared, I don't know.
Maybe he needs to find someone who can peel back all the layers and look at the raw, sensitive vegetable in the mirror.
My God You're the first person who's ever really understood.
What? You're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me.
OK OK, so maybe we can have a grown-up chat, you know, cut through all the bullshit.
Oh, maybe we could go for a drive in the country - you know, fresh air, open spaces, meee - I'm strangely aroused.
- Inevitably.
I assume we won't be heading too far north.
No.
Well, my car is instantly immobilised if I go past Luton.
(chimes tinkle) (male voice from outside) All by myself I don't want to be All by myself any more Still here.
All by Open it.
(chants ) Open it, open it, open it, open it Oi.
I've written a song.
It goes: Who's the man, who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes, yes, I am That's a really good song.
Just going to get a salad.
All right, wee man? Yeah.
You seem pleased with yourself - more than usual, I mean.
Yep.
Because I've cracked it - me and Caroline.
I thought you might like to be first to know.
What, you and Caroline have? You No.
What, you mean, you and? Where? Not yet, but you're right, no point wasting time.
Thanks.
Tonight is the night.
- No, I didn't mean - Could you pop out for me to get condoms? I know what you're going to say - surely I've got condoms already? Well, yes, I have, but I need special ones.
The pharmacy will know what I'm talking about.
You don't need any money, I've got an account.
- I'm not - Go! - But - Now! Oh, I always wanted one of those.
- What's that, a small boy? - (romantic music) No, a remote-controlled car.
Don't move.
(chimes tinkle) - Here we go.
- I can't believe you gave him a lighter! It's all right, they're five for a pound.
- Mac?! - They only spark.
He'll be fine.
Ready? Live the dream.
Oh, sorry.
Nice one.
Living up to expectations? All right, just wait a second.
Oh.
Erm One early tip is to master the basic controls first and leave the big stunts until later.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
- Let me show you.
- No, I'll be fine.
No, go on, trust me.
That's forwards and backwards, yeah? That is left and right.
Left and right, forwards and backwards.
And is that the same as we grown-ups call reverse? - Being patronising? - No, just childish.
Well, thank God for that.
Here we go.
Forwards and backwards I'll, erm - I'll remove my arm, then.
- Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.
Well, yeah, thanks for the ride.
Thank you very much.
Can you smell burning? (chimes tinkle) I don't know, I don't know! They're all the same! She hates me! OK, let's just calm down, Dr Statham.
Let's try to deal with this rationally.
Right? Let's take a few moments to breathe deeply.
All right, if you think that'll help.
That's it, that's it.
Close your eyes and just try to relax.
That's it.
Just centre yourself.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, and in a sense that does Oh, you bloody bastard! You bloody bastard! You bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody bastard! (phone rings ) Yes, hello? No.
No, no, no, I'm afraid she's just nipped out to poo on a plate! No Director of Finance, yes.
All right, wait Hm? No, no, this is not Alan Statham, it's somebody completely different.
Right.
Yes.
(Caroline) Think positively, breathe, and just do it.
It'll be fine.
- But what if it isn't? - We're here for you.
- What the fuck is all this therapy shit? - It's here! What is, Christmas? A new ice age? A cleaner, brighter wash? What? - Martin's got his results.
- Oh, is it terminal? - His MRCP.
- Oh, I feel sick.
So do I.
It's the aroma of women who care, mingled with Martin's fear.
- If I've failed, that's going to be the end.
- Thank God for that! Look, this is actually quite a big deal! OK, then.
Well, let's get it over with.
It's eating away at you like a cancerous growth.
Let's whip it out.
- You can't do that.
- I'll do it.
Listen.
You'll thank me for this later.
Let's get it over with.
- No.
- Martin, maybe it's for the best.
OK, right.
Whatever I do, don't stop, just open it, OK? All right.
- No! - Can you restrain him, please? Ready? Here I go.
Hear that? That's the result, there it is.
Oh, yes, oh, oh, oh Ooh.
- I know the answer.
- Oh, God It's in my head.
It exists.
Do you want to hear it? No.
Yes.
Go on, tell me, quick.
Martin Dear Yeah? You have - Oh, come on, Guy, get on with it! - OK.
Now, Martin Dear you have - Who wants to suck my cock? - No! Martin might want to in a minute, because, congratulations, you have passed with merit! You are now a (slow motion ) proper doctor! (musical interlude) (slow motion ) Good boy! Yes! Yes! Hooray! Martin, yes! (Boyce) Marty! Marty! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
What's wrong with you? Are you mad? I was joking.
Of course he didn't pass.
He failed.
What's wrong with you people? What? What? What?! Oh, so now I'm not allowed to make jokes about Martin and his exams, is that it? Is that Oh, Christ! Well? I failed.
Oh, boo-hoo.
God Tosser! That's how I lost my virginity.
She had nice tits for a 45-year-old.
I haven't seen her since, though.
(Mac breathes heavily ) Well? Well what, you scrawny poof? You're not a poof! You're not a poof! You're not a poof! And? And you are a poof! - Come on! Come on! - What are you doing?! - Get off! - Not the hands, not the hands! Yeah, well, not the hair! Mac, that is really sharp.
- That's hot.
- Yeah, and I'll use it! - Argh! - Mac! Don't! Don't! Put it down! Put the coffee down! Put it down! We'll talk.
I'm sorry.
I'm putting it down.
Look.
OK? It's down, all right? Now we'll just sit down and we'll talk, OK? No, the other chair.
I'll sit on this chair.
Sit down.
All right? Out of my way, baldy! Hi.
Ow! You've got your knee on my balls! Ow! My knee Your knee Shit! Oh, you bitch! They're all bitches! So thank you, thank you, God! Thank you so very much for ruining my life - if you exist, which I doubt, otherwise you wouldn't have taken her from me.
Right, one more chance.
One more chance to bring her back.
I'll start counting.
Right.
One two three Come on! Four.
Five.
- (woman ) Hello, there.
- Oh, my fucksie! Oh.
I I thought you were her.
But I suppose I have to face it.
God's a sod.
She's gone.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Was it sudden? Yes.
Yes and no.
It's, erm In a sense I could see it coming and in another sense, I I couldn't.
- It doesn't make it any easier, does it? - No.
No.
And here I am, an empty h-h-hole.
Would you like to light a candle for her? Some people find that very comforting.
Death is never easy.
My God, is she dead?! - Who? - Joanna? - Joanna? - Joanna? - Joanna? - She No.
No, no! No, no, no.
No, she just dumped me, like a piece of old furniture that - I assumed she'd died.
- No, no, no.
Erm, I'm a consultant here, by the way.
Dr Alan Statham, radiology.
- Cordelia Denby, chaplain.
- Chaplain Oh, the '"God sod'" business, that's we'll overlook.
Could we light a candle for her anyway? Yes, of course.
- Properly.
- Erm Je suis désolé.
- In English.
- Oh, God Martin, I'm really s I'm really s I'm really s-s-sorry that I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
Now hug.
- (both ) What? - I said hug.
Fucking hug! I said hug! All right, don't try and cop a feel.
Ow! Oh, are you all right? I want Mac struck off.
He's gay and I've got proof.
So if you could please get out the appropriate form, I Who's the bearded ponce? Is that Noel Edmonds? Oh.
Erm Oh, it doesn't matter.
'"Long ago, the people of the earth were being bad, and this made God very sad.
'" '"He wanted to wash his world clean again.
He would make it rain.
'" Noah.
Yes, that's right, Alan.
Very good.
Let's not shout out.
It's not a test.
Let's just listen and enjoy.
'"But there was a good man, and his name was Noah.
'" - Thanking you most kindly.
- No, thank you.
My, aren't we civilised.
God save the Queen.
- Now I have seen everything.
- She's not here, is she? No, look - he's signing.
Incredible.
He's got hidden talents.
He seems like such a wanker in public.
In private, he's practically a saint.
Greetings, dogsbody.
- I didn't know you could sign.
- Well, got to make an effort, haven't you? So, he a deaf relative, is he? No, that is Dominic Carver, a guy I was at school with.
- He must've been a really good friend.
- No.
Jesus, no! He used to pull these faces whenever he tried to say anything.
And he'd make this popping noise with his mouth.
I couldn't bear him.
Then why did you learn sign language? I didn't.
I can only do '"I don't understand sign language'" and '"Fuck you, deaf boy.
'" Yeah, well What? Yeah, well, very funny, Stevie Wonder! No, he was blind, wasn't he? He said he'd hurt his finger See the spittle? And the popping noises Loser! He can't hear me, that's the (Alan ) Otherwise known as the Ark.
'"Now, Noah had three sons.
'" Perhaps Alan can tell us their names? Hob? Paph Papheth? Meke? - '"Their names were Ham'" - Ham.
- '".
.
Shem'" - Yes, Shep.
- '".
.
and Ja'" - Jab.
'".
.
Japheth.
'" ('"We Are the Champions'" by Queen ) - We are - The champions, my friend We'll keep on (omits word) till the end You've got four Queen CDs.
- So? - Four? - What's wrong with that? They're good.
- That's as maybe.
It's too many.
Brian May caresses that guitar like a woman.
Oh, do women make better guitarists? No, like the guitar's a woman.
He's not a woman.
- He looks like one.
- No, no, no.
Very much a hot-blooded male, is Brian.
- What, like Freddie Mercury? - Yeah.
- What? - What? Freddie Mercury, the one that was in Queen? Hot-blooded male, straight? Probably.
I don't know.
- You don't know? - Does it matter? Well, not to me, no, but as a fan I think you ought to know he was gay.
- Big deal.
- But it's been no bed of roses No pleasure cruise Shall we have something else? I mean, I'm not homophobic.
No, no.
I know.
It's just you get certain things, images, pictures in your head, and then Anyway - You've spoilt it for me now.
- Sorry.
('"Your Song'" by Elton John ) It's a little bit funny Now that's more like it! This feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide (car horns toot) - (woman ) Sorry.
- It's all right.
Bye, Josh.
What a lovely-looking kid.
- Well, this is nice.
- Yeah.
Oi! Get out of there! That took me ages, that did! I said get out of there! I'm talking to you, blondie! That is my Sometimes I love kids, though.
Absolutely love them.
Have you had operatic training? - I do sing, actually.
Could you tell? - Yeah.
Oh, you remembered: It's a little bit funny - Don't start that again.
- I know quite a few of his songs.
I know.
You-you spread love like like honey.
Like butter and honey.
- His love.
- Well, and your love.
- No, not so much, actually.
- I can I can feel it.
Well, that's very interesting Erm Can you feel mine? I think you're confusing two different kinds of love.
- Love is love, isn't it? - No, I don't think it is, actually.
Well, we must all love each other, surely.
Yes.
- So I love you - OK And you love me I see what you're getting at, and in a way it's a sound argument There we are, that's settled then.
We love each other.
- No, you see - I have to go now.
Duty calls.
But can I come back later and pick up where we left off? - How much later? - 20 minutes? - Sure you're getting enough work done? - Work, yes, but we have fatter fish to fry.
- Was I supposed to bring sandwiches? - Oh, I thought we could feed the deer.
- On bread? - Yeah.
Don't they eat bread? Not usually.
There's a shortage of good bakeries in the forest.
They've had to adapt to eating bark, things like that.
It's wholemeal.
Right.
Oh, look, nettles.
I bet you'd think these would sting me.
- Nettles will sting you.
- That's where you're wrong.
It's all about the way you hold them.
OK, watch this, all right? - Are you ready? - Ooh It's all about the direction of the hairs.
Pretty impressive, eh? Yeah.
You are the complete man.
I see that now.
Sheep! Get down, get down! It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time.
Together.
Key member of the team, no.
Scatterbrained floozy, yes.
OK, right, I don't want to be without the scatterbrained floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
- Well, there is more than adequate cover.
- I don't think there is.
Guy is far from irreplaceable.
Now that's something you've always said.
I've always said that, yeah.
Guy, very happy to have him out of my sight.
And you managed fine before the scatterbrained floozy arrived.
Did I? Yeah, I suppose I did.
So what's the problem? I don't want them to be off both at the same time.
I don't.
- Why? - Just because.
- Because why? - Because because Guy is a wanker.
Well, actually, I don't draw up the rosters.
Sorry, are you on my side or not? Dr Macartney, yes, I am on your side.
I'm always on your side.
You know, I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm under your side - It's time for me to go now.
Thank you.
- I'm all over your side I can do headstands.
Now, would you like to see that? Would you? - The - ( door closes ) Like to see that Yeah Oh Oh, look, sheep.
Love them.
- I think it's a calf.
- Oh.
- If you, er, if you had a son - Yeah? .
.
would you encourage him to go into medicine? Erm No, I would encourage him to go into Formula One.
No! He might get killed.
Yeah, but come on, buckets of dosh, loads of gash I'm sorry? '"Gash'"? Erm, yeah, it's a motor racing term.
It stands for gearbox and suspension hiccup.
- Oh, that'd be irresistible to any young man.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it would.
- Oh, no, it was a sheep.
- It does look like a Mazda.
Before we get started, erm, guys, I'd just like to say a few words, if I may.
O Lord, help us to understand more clearly the complexities of your creation, to see its beauty and comprehend the the totality of all your works.
Help us to humbly pay attention and not try to undermine the authority of those you have so rightly put in charge, with with insolence and silliness.
Amen.
- That was for my benefit, wasn't it? - Pardon? That last bit, the '"insolence and silliness'"? Well, that's not for me to say, Mr Boyce, or maybe for you to fathom, if that were to indeed be the case, or otherwise.
It was just a dig at me because you find me infuriating.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
And if that indeed were to prove to be the case, Mr Boyce, I do solemnly forgive you.
- And I forgive you.
- Pardon? - I forgive you.
- No, no, I forgive you.
And I forgive you.
Mr Boyce, if anybody is going to do forgiving, it'll be me.
- But in the Lord's Prayer it says - Forgive me, but No, don't forgive me, but I think you probably know as much about our Lord the Jesus as you do about - I'm Jewish.
- No way are you Jewish.
No, I am Jewish.
I'm a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David.
OK, prove it.
Lend me some money.
- No.
- No? Are you circumcised? I might be.
Might not be.
Could just be for hygiene reasons.
Right, come on, show us your foreskin.
- No.
- Mucky cock! Yeah, but how would you feel if you were a fox? I'd love it.
I'd relish the challenge.
I'd look at the hounds and go, '"Bring it on.
'" But that's because you're quite sporty.
How would you feel if you were a non-sporty fox? - What, a geeky intellectual fox? - If you like.
Well, then I would accept that I was a pest and needed to be culled on a large scale.
- That's very selfless of you.
- Well, you did say I was intellectual.
Yeah, but supposing you were chased into the next county and you had to abandon your poor little cubs.
Well, then I'd find me another supervixen and I'd (blows ) .
.
I'd start all over again.
Yes.
Yes, I think you would.
Shall we get back now? - But that was only hypothetical, wasn't it? - Well, yes, you're not actually a fox, Guy.
That's just what I'd do if I was a fox, and I'm not, I'm a human being.
- Are you? - Yeah, and I'm going back for them.
- What? - I'm going back for the cubs.
- Oh, it's too late now.
- No, it's not too late.
- Oh, it really is.
- Why? - The hounds tore them to shreds.
- No!! - What are you doing? Get up.
- Argh! My cubs! My cubs! Oh, no! No! Don't You're going to rip my top.
Get off.
My cubs.
My cubs, dead Why? How could you let this happen?! Aargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaarrgh! Aaaaarrgghh! (chaplain ) There are times when you can't be with your husband, and I understand that waiting rooms are depressing places at the best of times.
You'd be surprised how many people prefer to spend time here - not for any religious reason, but because it's a peaceful and relaxing place, at a very stressful time.
Yes, that's right.
It's also nice to escape from the medical paraphernalia, the doctors everywhere.
It's just nice to cut yourself off for a few moments.
We feel it's important to to escape.
- Was there something that you wanted? - Me? No, no.
- Just do feel that we are here for you.
- No, I'm here.
Togetherness, as the Lord said himself.
- Right.
Would you like to come through - Yes.
It's a little bit funny This feeling inside I forgot my stupid house keys.
You all right? No.
I'm exhausted, I've eaten my body weight in chocolate in the car, I'm all bloated and my feet hurt.
And I haven't had sex in months.
I know how you feel.
You're late.
Look, Martin, what I just said about not having had sex in a while - Yes? - Well, I was wondering Yeah.
Yes, I will.
- I haven't told you what I want you to do.
- Don't worry, I'm a really adventurous man.
- Are you? - Yes.
I just don't want you to go round telling everyone that I haven't had sex in ages.
Fine.
OK, well, my lips are sealed.
Oh, thanks, Martin.
(Scottish ) So, you want your ginger friend placed in bin bags all over the city, do you? - Jesus, no! - It's all right, just kidding.
So, how much for what we discussed? - What, for cutting his hair off? - Yeah.
Two.
Two thousand pounds?! No! Two hundred.
Jesus! Oh, right.
Oh, you're like a girl, aren't you? I can say anything to you.
No, no, I'm not a girl.
I am a man, with a man's needs.
Yeah, but to me you're just like a girlfriend.
Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you sleep with? No.
If I'm going to do this thing, I need to know that you've thought it through.
So tell me, have you thought it through? No.
People don't normally.
Usually it's just a case of, '"Oh, there's a man with long hair who's irritating me.
'" '"I'll call up Scissors Bentley to have him taken down a peg or two.
'" - That's what I thought.
- Don't look at me or touch me.
And you still want me to do it? No.
Really? Bugger! What about a really tight perm, or an afro, you know, like early Jackson Five? What am I, a stylist?! Oh, sorry.
Did I leave a packet of bonbons here? Erm, I don't think you did actually, Julian.
Maybe by the table.
Stop it, Mac! I know it's you! Stop it! Sorry, love.
It's all right, I'm just waiting.
- I think she gone home, you know.
- Yes, I'm just waiting for Jesus.
Michael Callaghan