Guys With Kids (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

Guys with kid is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Mmm.
Oh, lord, look away Freddie, look away.
The good news is I'm raising him to think that this game is called slice and I'm the best in the world.
Chris, I'm gonna *** diaper for later.
You didn’t bring diapers again? What would you do if I was not around? *** from Gary.
No! Why not? Because this is what didn't happen this morning.
"Honey, I'm gonna spend the day with the twins, but I'm gonna pack extra supplies for my adult friend.
" You know what, Nick? It's it's fine.
Here, take a couple.
I got to run anyway and put Ernie down for his nap.
Don't go.
Relax.
You're having fun.
Ernie's having fun.
"Relax, have fun" you know, historically, listening to that advice from you has ended badly for me.
"Relax! It's totally cool to wear a Yankees hat at Fenway.
" Yeah! Yeah, we got the crap kicked out of us that day.
I lost my peripheral vision.
Anyway, I can't stay.
Ernie's got to stay on his nap schedule.
Gary, back me up on this.
Don't look at me.
I have four boys all under the age of eight.
My only schedule is to cry a little every morning.
Ifif Ernie doesn't nap Chris? Chris? You know what? I get it.
It's your first kid, okay? But if he misses a nap once in a while, it's not the end of the world.
And if it is, I regret having a nicoise salad as my last meal.
All right, you know what? Maybe you're right.
I'll stay.
Good.
Hup! Not again.
Chris, why are all your new clubs so slippery? Life is how you live it ª Oo™ª Wake where you want to be Hey,y - You and me.
- Ooh - We're hy.
- O hey We need ouriends like tsun Everybody singin' Whyuld walk when you can run™ª Everybody singin' Why would yoalk n you can run? I gto hand it to you, Nick.
This day is work out.
I got to play golf.
Ernie napped on the subway.
And you napped on the subway too.
We had a competition to see who could throw the most puffs in your mouth.
This guy named Doug won.
- Ready, Gary? - Oh, yep.
Where you guys going? I asked your wife to help me organize my apartment.
You know, there's a lot of junk up there, and Marny won't throw anything away.
You know, we have a drawer full of baby hair and lost teeth? We could almost build another person.
Well, Gary, you got the right woman for the job.
She keeps a label maker in a box labeled "label maker.
" Hmm.
This label maker is the only thing standing between us and chaos, Nick.
Chaos.
Can you empty the dishwasher while I'm gone? On it.
Thank you.
You've got the boys? Yeah, they're in the box labeled "boys.
" - Where are the boys? - They're around here somewhere.
Should we put them in the octagon, just to be safe? Please.
When I was little, my mom used to send us out to play in the woods the woods, where bears live.
Yeah, but your mom is An angel? Is that what you were gonna say, Chris that my mother is an angel? Looks like I found the boys.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Nick, why aren't you opening the door? Because it's locked.
What? Huh.
Look at that it's locked for you too.
Declutter? I don't need help de-cluttering, 'cause everything is fine.
Really? Fine? Without looking down, what color is our rug? We have a rug? Look, sometimes it's good to have a third party come in to help you determine what you need and what you don't.
Emily, really, this is unnecessary.
You should just be home with your family, minding your own I don't want to say "business," 'cause that sounds rude.
I promise it's gonna feel so good once we start throwing stuff out.
Good! Hey, let's start with her six bags of old maternity clothes.
Hold on! What if I want to have another baby? Not with me, you're not.
Well, I might meet another man younger, richer.
Great! Then he can buy you new maternity clothes.
Sounds like these should go in the charity pile.
Mm.
Charity pile.
- How's this feeling? - Good.
- Good.
- No, not good.
Great! Keep it going.
Oh, hey.
Oh, no, no, no.
Emily, you don't have to worry about those.
These are mine.
Oh, well, why do you still need these? Are you still selling commercial real estate? - I did.
- Eight years ago! - Sounds like garbage to me! - No, Emily! Emily, we're here to focus on Marny's stuff.
Well, I don't see Marny's stuff or Gary's stuff.
I just see stuff.
It's my gift.
It's my curse.
How's that feel? Good.
Good.
Yeah, no, we tried that, but the safety mechanism must be broken.
Okay, okay, just get here as soon as you can.
Maintenance guy's on his way.
Oh, we don't need the maintenance guy.
I will get the boys to open the door from the inside.
I'm coaxing them with a feather.
A feather? Yeah, yeah, that's how they got those Chilean miners out.
Hey, man, I got to stop your wife.
You got a taser? Uh, once she's organizing, she can't be stopped.
The taser just makes her mad.
But she's throwing away all my old work stuff business cards, files, and my desktop zen garden! How am I supposed to relax without my desktop zen garden? Well, you could try setting warehouse fires.
That worked for my cousin.
Chris, I'm gonna need you to store all that in your apartment, all right? We're a little busy right now, okay? Nick got the kids locked in the bathroom.
Correction Nick got the kids unlocked from the bathroom.
I got the doorknob off.
Now watch as the door swings wide open.
Well, not only have I not solved the problem, but I can say with confidence I have made it worse.
You know, when Freddie makes that face, it means he's going number two.
I got it.
I got it.
Hey.
Don't worry, kids! String cheese coming through, all right? Yeah.
It's almost like they designed string cheese to fit through doorknob holes.
This must be more common than we think.
Okay, Ernie doesn't like string cheese.
Plus, it's dinnertime.
He only eats chicken vegetable medley, okay? And if he doesn't get fed soon, there will be crying first from him, then from me, and I will see to it also you.
We will figure something out.
Well, how do you expect to feed him? Do do you have a spoon that's six feet long? I do.
I can't believe this is working.
Yeah, I thought about this one night sitting across the table from Marny, and I really wanted to eat her jell-o.
Okay, uh, four degrees to the left.
- Okay.
- Good, all right, okay, almost there.
Come on, Ernie.
Come on.
Take a bite one last bite.
Okay, guys, we're gonna have to sing the song again.
It's the only way he'll finish.
No, no.
I cannot do it.
I can't sing the song, man.
It's gonna be stuck in my head forever.
- Come on.
- Just start high.
I ate some food, and I liked it chicken anegetable medley I ate some f, juto try it I hope my tummyn't d it food is so good, food io ri please eat your dinner toht Oh, good boy! Good boy, Ernie! Okay, he ate it.
Nice work, everyone.
Whoo! All right.
Great.
I got to get back upstairs.
I can almost feel them throwing away all of my old cologne.
Where am I gonna find a new bottle of canoe? I got to get your wife out of my apartment.
Hey, no, no, no, no! You got to keep her there.
Emily cannot know about this.
Why? Because a couple years ago, Violet locked herself in a bathroom very much like this one.
Actually, it was this one, and the mechanism to pop the lock from the outside was broken.
You knew the lock was broken? Can we save all of our questions till the end, please? Great.
The difference was that Violet was old enough to open the door from the inside, and I told Emily that I was gonna get the lock fixed, and then I forgot.
And if she ever finds out about this, she's gonna hold it against me for the rest of my life.
Hey, you choose to lie to your wife, that's your problem.
Gary, she's never gonna let me swing Freddie around by his little arms again.
His arms could come out of the sockets! That's not gonna happen.
Look, okay, you're gonna owe me I-I mean, big-time owe me.
You're gonna have to wash my high chairs.
I mean, deep-clean them, like, take the covers off.
Yes.
Done.
Thank you.
Unbelievable.
You knew the lock was broken, and you still didn't get it fixed.
You know, Chris, uh, a couple years ago, I did make a phone call to a guy about getting the lock fixed, but, uh, you clicked in on the other line, and I chose to take your call instead.
And I hoped like hell I'd never have to tell you about that.
Shut up! Where the hell is the maintenance guy? You know what? We don't even need him.
It's fine.
We don't need him.
Ooh! What was that? I thought maybe this is one of those times when a parent develops hulk strength.
- Did you? - No.
- No, you didn't.
- No.
Dad! Emily threw away all of our play-doh! It's a bloodbath! What? Come here.
Marny, I know this has been hard for you, but you have been great.
Thanks.
You know, I actually feel lighter and clearer, - if you know what I mean.
- I do! I do know what you mean! Now, you're gonna want to chase that organizational high for the rest of your life! Okay.
Well, I guess it's time for me to go home, because my job here is done.
Whoa, whoa.
No, you can't go home just yet.
- Why not? - Because Nick because I'm still hiding all my old files and things that are still special to me.
Help me.
I'm a hoarder.
I can fix it, no problem If some genius hadn't taken the doorknob off.
You? Well, you know, that could've been anyone, really.
So there's nothing you can do? It's really a lock problem.
You should've called a locksmith.
Who's the genius who called me you? Actually, that was Chris.
I don't need to know your names.
Thank you so much, Victor, for coming by.
We will factor all of this into your Christmas bonus.
Bonus? Oh, you mean the donation you made in my name to the rock and roll museum? That's our charity.
That does not sound good.
Oh, okay, now they're playing in toilet water! All right, well, you don't have to make it sound like a bad thing.
They're they're playing in toilet water! See, it's all in the attitude.
You just you need to relax Do not tell me to relax! Okay, you know why I'm not relaxed? Because I've hung out with you all these years.
Oh, why should I bring diapers? Chris'll have them.
Why should I take notes in class? Chris'll do it.
Why should I pay rent? I'll sleep on Chris' couch for a year after college, chip all his mugs.
I will call a locksmith.
Calm down.
No, you know what? I'm done listening to you, okay? Our kids are locked in a bathroom, and I'm getting them out right now.
Yeah, by the way, I still have your hammer.
All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna make a hole in the wall.
I'm gonna reach in.
I'm gonna have the kids pass me the handle.
I'm gonna pop the lock back on and open it from the inside.
I'm sorry.
What? Don't worry, Ernie.
Daddy's coming.
Hey, are you crazy? Right now? Yes! What am I supposed to tell Emily? Tell her to rela-a-x! Hey, hey, hey, I can't hold your wife off much longer.
What's going on? He freaked out.
He's screwing up my apartment.
Well, you are screwing up my life, which I'm used to, except that now you're screwing up my kid.
Hey, hey, hey, guys! Calm down before we say something we can't take back.
You don't need my help screwing up your kid, 'cause you're doing just fine on your own.
Yeah, you're turning Ernie into an uptight mess just like yourself.
Well, I guarantee Freddie's the one who locked them in the bathroom doing dumb-ass stuff like his dumb-ass dad.
Okay, let's not say more than three things that we can't take back let's cap it at three.
I am done listening to you.
What okay.
I'm gonna reach in, and get this handle back on, and get the hell out of here.
Ow.
Damn it! - What's wrong? - I can't get my arm out.
It's stuck on a nail or something.
Good! Oh, what's the matter? Your little t-Rex arms too short to get me, huh? Ah! I misjudged the distance 'cause I have no peripheral vision.
You know, guys, I think this will go a lot faster if you just cut his arm off.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Now now, please, get the kids out.
- All right.
- And may I suggest doing as much damage to the apartment as possible? Just give us some room.
We'll have them out in a couple minutes.
Hey, I have a couple questions.
Hey, when you got the call, did you slide down the pole? Did you use the siren? I don't see the dog.
Is the dog here? - Sir, please, just step back.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, I hear you guys eat a lot of chili is that true? Thank God you're okay.
I don't want you hanging out with this kid anymore.
He's gonna get you both thrown in jail.
Well, at least he won't be a constant bummer like your dad.
"We shouldn't use the student discounts it's summertime"! You know what? I'm done.
I'm done taking care of you.
You don't want to be friends with someone who's a constant bummer? Guess what you're not anymore.
Good! Yeah We never used to fight before we had kids.
But that's not a dis on you.
I love you.
It's okay.
Nick? Yeah, he's he did it.
- Is he strapped in? - No, he doesn't like that.
He'll be fine.
Oh, just like he was fine when you locked him in the bathroom? See, Freddie, I am never gonna live this down, and because of that, we will probably never be able to play the "let go of the stroller for a second on the hill" game.
- You're still doing that? - No! Ha! All right, well, have fun at the park while I'm here fixing your apartment.
Yeah, thank you, Victor, for taking time away from your job to do your job.
Who's smoking cigarettes for you up on the roof while you're down here? Don't get mad at Victor.
You're the one who destroyed our apartment.
Me? Okay, try Chris.
He's the one who went crazy and put a hole in our wall.
No, Nick.
He didn't go crazy.
You made him crazy.
I'm sorry.
Are you taking his side? There is only his side.
Nick, everything you do, you always try to make it fun.
It's what I love about you, but you have to know that sometimes it can be very exhausting to the people around you.
Now, I'm your wife, and you make cute babies, so I put up with it, and I forgive it, but Chris doesn't have to.
So I'm the one who owes the apology.
Yes, because it's all your fault.
I'll go talk to him.
Sure.
Go play with your friend while I fix your place.
That's your job.
Yeah, and I love my job, which is more than you can say.
I have the greatest job in the world.
I direct commercials.
I love my job.
Oh.
And the secret ingredient is Uhh! Pear! Hey! I found something very interesting shoved in the back of Clark and Yoda's closet all of your stuff that we threw away.
You know, the boys must've done this.
You know how much kids love commercial real estate promotional material.
Mm.
Gary, look, I know I didn't want to throw away all the old baby stuff, but that's just a mom thing.
But you Your business cards, your briefcase What's going on? Look, babe, I know it's hard to believe, but one day all of our kids are gonna be in school full-time Maybe even boarding school somewhere far, far away! And I'm gonna need something to do.
And I feel if I throw out all that stuff, somehow, I'm throwing out all my connections to my old life And I won't be able to find my way back.
All right, I know it sounds stupid.
Yeah.
Gary, you were great at your job.
You are great as a stay-at-home dad, and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be great at whatever you decide to do next.
So Do I get to keep all my old stuff? If that's what you need to do.
Can we keep our stuff? No! What do you want? I am not here for you.
I am here to speak with Ernie.
May I please enter? Hi, Ernie.
I, uh I just came down here to apologize.
I, uh I'm very sorry that I alone was the cause of you getting trapped in the bathroom.
I also said some things that I didn't mean.
You are not going to be a constant bummer like your dad.
If anything, he's very responsible, and that's that's good, because that means that he's there for me when I need him.
If it weren't for him, your buddy Freddie over there would've died of diaper rash a long time ago, and I would be covered in Mario brothertattoos, so I just wanted to tell you that, and, uh, maybe your dad has something he'd like to say to Freddie? Hey, Fred.
Uh Hi.
Yeah.
I know I said, uh, that you're gonna end up in prison, but if you're anything like your dad, it'll be one hell of a story.
Montreal, new year's Eve, 2001.
Yeah.
Apparently we took a mountie's horse for a joyride, woke up in a Canadian jail.
They had the best breakfast buffet there.
We stayed for three extra days, made a whole trip out of it.
It was good.
I hope you and Ernie have as much fun together as your dad and I have had Without all the boating accidents, the torn acls, the lost security deposits.
It should say on the hot tub that you can't bring it out onto a balcony.
So, um What do you say, Ernie? You forgive me? Thank you.
Come here, buddy.
Yeah.
We forgive you.
But this Christmas, you are not making a donation in his name to the rock and roll museum.
I mean, I'll have to talk to Emily, but Okay, come on, guys.
Whose baby did it? - Not it.
- Not it over here.
Oh, my God, we are so it.
- Here's a diaper.
- Uh, buh, buh, buh you offend me, sir.
I have fully packed my diaper bag.
No.
Impossible.
I got diapers, wipes, ointment, sunscreen, teething tablets, burp cloths.
I, too, can be the responsible one.
- Well, lookee here! - Way to go.
Unfortunately, the diaper bag itself is at home in my apartment As is my wallet.
Chris, your paying for lunch!