Hailey's on It! (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[narrator] Chaos bots have been
sent from the future
to stop the one person
who can save the world.
Me?
Hey, hey, Hailey's on it! ♪
Teach a cat to play the piano ♪
Rollerskate all the way to Orlando ♪
Use my earwax to make a candle ♪
Hey, hey, Hailey's on it ♪
Win first place for
World's Cutest Pet Rock ♪
Do a corn maze, hope I don't get lost ♪
Eat an onion, kiss my friend, Scott ♪
Huh?
Hey, hey, Hailey's on it ♪
[Hailey] As far back as I can remember,
I've always wanted a pet.
But every time I find the perfect one
my mom, well
-[mud spatters]
-[squeals]
-No.
-[Kai exclaims] Whoa!
[low hissing]
-No!
-[screeching]
[squeaks]
-Definitely no!
-[squeaks]
-[Kai exclaims]
-[thuds]
[Hailey] But this time is different.
It has to be, because the fate
of the world depends on me.
Hailey Banks, adopting a pet
for list item #63.
[Carla] Next-a-roonie!
All right, let's stick to the plan.
Look for the cutest, fluffiest,
most well-behaviest pet we can find
so my mom will fall in love with it
and have to let me keep it.
Well, judging by that puppy back there
this place is filled with
empty cages.
Wait, where are all the animals?
Great news! Most of them
found fur-ever homes!
Get it? Fur-ever?
[chuckling]
The gerbils always laugh at that one.
Anyhoo, meet Frank!
[squawks]
[thuds]
He says he's happy to meet us.
I speak flamingo.
Sure, and I speak unicorn.
-[squawking]
-Frank also says
you snack on the dog treats
when no one's looking.
OK. So, new plan.
Instead of a puppy, we adopt a flamingo.
Seriously? You want him?
I mean, great!
Just sign here.
Now that you've signed
this legally binding agreement
I need to be frank.
This flamingo can be a bit of a burden.
[chuckles] Get it?
Bird-en. [chuckles]
Dang, that joke always kills
at the aviary.
-What is that smell?
-Auwe!
[garbled squawking]
[farts, squawks]
Medically speaking, Frank's what we call
old and weird.
Make sure he takes one of these pills
every 30 minutes for his stomach issues
or he'll cough up wet featherballs.
[coughs]
Hey, there's one now.
Oh, and don't let him around any shrimp.
He'll shrimply go crazy. [chuckles]
Anyway, we're closed now, so, bye!
[Clara] We did it, Carl!
[Carl] Party time!
So, he isn't young, or cute.
Or quiet, or nice smelling.
-Or fluffy.
-But he's mine,
according to a lot of paperwork.
-[Frank flops]
-[Hailey giggles]
OK. So,
we can still train Frank
to be obedient and quiet,
and then introduce him to my mom
when she's in a really good mood.
I mean, post-Saturday brunch good mood.
[Beta] So, what lovable pup did you adopt?
A poodle? A Dachshund?
A-- Flamingo?
[squawks]
[Beta] Why is he looking at me like that?
[squawks loudly]
Frank, stop! Sit! Nest!
[squawking continues]
[both thud]
[Patricia] Hailey, what is
going on up there?
Hailey, I need you to keep it down.
You know this is the week I agreed
to be on that awful reality show
Bet You Can't Sell My Mansion!
Um, is that my shirt?
Yes, I was told to "young it up"
and look "swag"
for my celebrity clients, "The Swag Bros."
Wait, do I not look "swag"?
Let me try on one of your other shirts.
No, no, you look swag!
Yeah, like, swiggity swiggity swag.
-[chuckles]
-Is that a swag dance?
I might have to use that.
Also, can you please clean your room?
[sniffs] And use lots of air freshener.
OK, thanks. Bye.
-[Beta exclaims]
-[Frank squawks]
Well, Frank, I believe in you.
But we better get to work
if you're gonna be the best pet ever.
Jump in the bath ♪
Making a splash ♪
Scrubbin' til ya shine like gold ♪
Diamond in the rough
Struttin' your stuff ♪
Show 'em you can break the mold ♪
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, rock ♪
Rock 'til we're on a roll ♪
Everybody go, go, go, go ♪
Go on and clean up that act ♪
Pick up the slack
Keep movin', shakin' ♪
No, no, no, no ♪
No cuttin' corners
Give it all you got ♪
[Beta] Hey, hey, what the heck is--
Well, it is warm.
Talkin' the talk, walkin' the walk ♪
Givin' it with all your soul ♪
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, rock ♪
'Til we're on a roll ♪
[screeches, yelps]
Your dog is old and weird.
Hey, my flamingo is old and weird.
-Thank you very much.
-[shrieks, squawks]
[farts, sniffs]
-[gasps]
-[Scott] Darn.
I guess you can't teach
an old bird new tricks.
OK, So, new, new, new plan.
We keep Frank hidden
in this room, forever!
Or, you know, at least until
my wristband turns green.
He'll be a secret bedroom flamingo!
That's a thing, right?
-[Hailey] Uh, where's Frank?
-[Scott sniffs]
Do you smell shrimp?
[Kai] So, did you sell the house yet?
You mean the "hang hole."
That's what I'm contractually
required to call it.
And no, I've shown
the hang hole to 57 people
and only one person was interested.
But they still won't sell.
They just keep adding weird new things
to up the "swag factor."
Don't worry, Patty Cakes.
I know you'll sell it soon.
-Want a taco?
-[thuds, squawks loudly]
What the Florida lawn decor!
-So I see you've met Frank.
-[screeching]
[squawks]
Hailey, I've told you a million times,
no pets!
I know, but why?
What has an animal ever done to you?
-[squeaking]
-Hey!
[all roaring]
No!
[squawks]
[gasps] Animals only
care about themselves.
That's not true.
Aw, he's just a bit peckish.
Can we please keep him, mom?
I'm sorry, but I can't
deal with this right now.
Frank's gonna have to go
back to the animal shelter.
[engine revs]
[weeping guitar]
I promise I'll come visit you
at the animal rescue
every day after school.
And on weekends.
And And-
-[squawks]
-[guitar continues]
-[brakes squeak]
-[phone vibrates]
[T.V. Producer] Patricia. Great news!
Swag Bros want to finally
accept the offer,
but you need to get to
their hang hole, now.
-I'll be right there!
-[tires screeching]
[tires swerving]
[swerving continues]
-[bins clatter]
-[door closes]
OK. You two wait here
while I finish selling this
[grunts] hang hole.
[thuds, squeaks]
[JT clears throat] Um, yo. Yo!
Check it on the flip.
Um, long story longer,
we're not sure we wanna sell just yet.
-It's just not a vibe.
-Uh huh.
But JT! Swagmeister! You agreed.
Pshh, yeah.
But Donte, he convinced us
we should hold out for even more.
Who's Donte?
He is!
Donte pointed out
that the hang hole is one of a kind.
Plus, me and the Swagmeister just added
a sweet, new lizard room upstairs.
You like lizards?
No way! We're terrified of lizards.
That's why they're living in the room.
-Yeah, yeah!
-[exclaims, chuckles]
[exclaims] Look at all that shrimp.
Better lock the doors before--
-[screeches, squawks]
-[Hailey gasps]
-[slurps]
-Not again!
-Shrimp delivery.
-Swag!
Just put it in the kitch.
That shrimp is obvi
for the "Fill Your Pants
with Shrimp Challenge,"
where the challenge is,
to fill your pants
with shrimp!
[door creaks]
-[squawks]
-Obvi.
[Swagmeister] You don't even
know about shrimp pants.
'Cause you're not young and swag like us.
-I guess I
-[loud screeching]
don't know shrimp pants, huh?
Yeah, we tried lobster pants but--
-They pinch us in the butt!
-A lot!
Yo! Let's do the shrimp challenge
right now for the cameras!
-[grunting, groaning]
-[screeching, squawking]
[Delivery Person] Give me that!
I don't know shrimp pants
but I do know this dance, huh.
Swiggity swiggity swag!
Ugh, save it for the old folks home.
-[grunting continues]
-[squawking continues]
-[both exclaim]
-[grunting]
[splash]
[loud screech]
Hey, that shrimp's not for eating, bro,
it's for our pants!
[chewing loudly]
Sorry, Mom. I tried.
You messed up big time!
[Swagmeister] You're old and weird
which is the opposite of swag.
[grunts, squawking loudly]
[both exclaim] Agh!
What's wrong with that thing?
Nothing is wrong with him.
He's just not afraid
to tell you the truth--
that you two are completely,
and utterly, un-swag!
[exclaims]
Much better.
And sure, maybe I don't know
what swag means,
but just like Frank, I know who I am.
And I know how to sell a hang hole.
I mean, house. Ugh.
So, I'm gonna go help good people
find their dream homes, and not you!
I quit!
-[farts, squawks]
-Ew!
Was that farting or squawking?
Both. The Banks family
is good at multitasking.
Wait, did you say "family"?
Does that mean we can keep Frank?
-[wristband chimes]
-[cooing]
[triumphant music]
[grunting]
[coughing]
Aw, man! My custom sneakies!
Stuff that down your pants!
So un-swag! We're telling our dad!
It wasn't that bad.
It was a disaster!
I'll never be hired to sell a house again.
[phone buzzing]
Hello. Yes, that was me.
Yeah, I definitely have some
ideas on how to sell your house--
Wait, can you hold on one second?
-[phone beeps]
-Hello?
Yes, I am taking on new clients.
Yeah, I can bring the flamingo.
Can you believe this?
People like me for being me.
And it's all thanks to Frank,
who really stuck his neck out for me.
[exclaims] Woohoo!
-[belches]
-Uh oh!
[grunts, squawks]
-[Scott] Not it!
-[Kai] Not it!
[Kai exclaims]
[Kristine] Fame.
Music.
Tomatoes.
All that and more today
in my video project
for Mr. William's class,
since he won't accept another
hat-themed slide show.
This is
"Splatter of the Bands!"
Behind the splatter.
Hailey Banks was just a small city girl
with big city dreams.
But would her dreams come true?
Or become a hat-astrophe?
So, what inspired you to enter Oceanside's
Splatter of the Bands?
I've gone every year since I was three
and have always wanted to perform.
So, I put "Have a perfect
tomato-less performance
at Splatter of the Bands"
on my uh
let's call it a to-do list.
-Hashtag goals, am I right?
-Sure.
So, I guess the real question is,
what is this Splatter of the Bands?
Oh, are you asking me? Well
[Hailey] It started during
the Great Tomato Surplus
of 1989, when a tomato seed plane
accidentally dropped tons of tomato seeds
all over Oceanside.
Weeks later, Oceanside
was overrun with tomatoes.
Everyone ate what they could,
but there were just too many.
That is, until the awful boy band,
"Pasty Boyz" came to town.
The townspeople took out
all their frustrations
on the band by pelting them with tomatoes.
And just like that,
the new tradition of
Splatter of the Bands was born.
During the contest,
if a band does anything
even slightly wrong, the audience
chucks tomatoes at them!
Only a truly captivating performance
can save a band from a tomatoey fate.
But that is extremely rare.
But I hoped that with serious
rehearsal and preparation,
I could avoid getting pelted
by even the most
zealous tomato chuckers.
But who were these expert chuckers?
Let's find out. Star wipe!
[splatting]
I'm here with experienced
tomato chucker, Becker Denoga,
and her brother-chucker, Scott.
[squeals] Isn't he a hottie?
People think Splatter of the Bands
is about the music,
but it's really about the tomatoes.
And chucking a tomato requires zen, man.
[calming music]
-[splatting]
-[man exclaims] Ow!
[Becker] Hey! Don't ruin my zen!
We were even voted "Best Tomato Chuckers"
by Veggie Weekly, and Fruit Weekly.
It's a contentious issue.
The Denoga family key
to a successful chuck
is finding the right tomato.
Too firm, no splatter.
Too soft, hand splatter.
Just right?
[in unison] That's the splatter
that matters!
[Kristine] But Hailey's
performing this year.
Are you gonna splatter her, too?
Well, she is an amazing singer, so--
No preferential treatment!
Hey, what are you doing
with my restaurant's tomatoes?
Uh oh, conflict. [squeals]
You're not throwing them right.
-[grunting]
-[splatting]
[Wilhelm screams]
[splash]
Since Splatter of the Bands
is a band competition
I joined the only band I knew,
The Funcles.
[island music]
[Hailey] The Funcles are a band my dad
and his friends formed.
I call them my uncles.
It's a Hawaii thing.
These are my bros!
-Best bros.
-Ah, you're my bro!
I love you, bros!
So, can you give us
an exclusive sneak peek
of your performance?
Oh, we don't know what we're singing yet.
We always sing the same song.
"Pelt Me From My Head To-ma-toes!"
What? No! That's literally
the worst song to sing.
That's guaranteed to get us tomatoed.
That's OK.
-Then I can make my tomato stew.
-But--
It doesn't matter what we sing,
or how much we get tomatoed,
as long as we have fun.
[splatting]
[exclaims] Stupid boat.
Getting all wet with sea sauce, ugh.
-You mean, water?
-Yeah.
Water is the sauce of the sea.
Hey, this is giving me an idea.
We should sing a sea shanty!
-A sea shanty?
-[all exclaim] Yeah!
Hailey, a sea shanty is perfect.
Everything will be fine. Trust us.
[tense music]
OK. I trust you.
I did not trust them.
[fast paced music]
[bleats loudly]
Oh man, they're good!
There's just a few days
till the competition
and Hailey's worried
The Funcles aren't ready.
Hailey, you're worried we're not ready?
Um, kind of, honestly, but--
So, she booked extra rehearsal time.
Only problem is,
The Funcles keep getting distracted.
-Hey, we don't keep getting--
-[man] Ice cream!
[pleasant jingle]
[all exclaim] Ice cream!
But we need to rehearse!
-[exclaims] Ugh!
-[footsteps trailing]
[bleating]
[feedback]
When the waves are high and choppy ♪
And I'm 12 leagues out from landing ♪
With a leak in the hold
And the wind's blowing cold ♪
I remember who's commanding ♪
-[slow clapping]
-[Olga] Very nice, glasses girl.
Wait, Das B3at!
But who is this Das B3at, you ask?
[retro music]
I am Olga,
and this is my sibling, Frederix.
We are the biggest
techno-pop band in Europe,
known for our flawless
performances and lack of smiles.
Yeah. Ever heard of
the Eurofest Music Competition?
Of course, you have.
We won it because
we are number one winners!
And now we're traveling the world
winning every
singing competition there is,
including this one.
Wow! I'm a huge fan.
I watched your Eurofest performance
like a hundred times.
-It's perfection.
-Of course, it is!
Speaking of perfection,
your voice would be perfect for our band.
My sibling, Frederix,
says adding local talent
increases our chances
of winning by 37 percent.
And with you, it's 39 percent
because you have glasses, I did the math.
But I'm already in a band.
I don't see any band, only us.
So, you will join.
We only ask one thing from you,
absolute perfection!
Fish skin, za, za, za ♪
Za, za, za, za, za, za, za, za ♪
Za, za, za, za, za, za
Fish skin ♪
Fish skin, za, za, za ♪
Za, za, za, za, za, za, za, za ♪
Za, za, za, za, za, za ♪
Fish skin ♪
Three, two, one, make a wish ♪
On the skin of a fish ♪
Live life, find your purpose ♪
I've seen epidermis ♪
Let's make a wish
On the skin of a fish ♪
Fish skin, za, za, za ♪
Za, za, za, za, za, za, za, za ♪
Fish skin ♪
That was good,
if you were from Buronia.
But we are from Shuronia.
Those are real places?
Hailey was 2.5 millimeters off her mark
and 0.7 nanoseconds off beat.
I did the math.
Then let's do it again, yah?
And this time with more efficiency
than a flat snoodle hog from Buronia.
-Is that good or bad?
-Music!
Fish skin ♪
We practiced non-stop.
I was exhausted.
But I knew it would all be worth it
to be perfect on the day of the show.
-If I survive till then
-But would Hailey survive?
Uh, of course, I--
We'll find out. Coming up
The day of the show. Star wipe!
So, this one I found at a bus stop.
You can tell it'll splat real nice
by the redness of the skin.
And I fought a raccoon for this one.
It's maybe a little too ripe.
[chuckles] What an amateur-- Ugh, uh.
It's starting!
Here come the victims-- I mean, targets.
I mean, bands-- Ah, whatever.
I closed the restaurant for this.
They're all going down!
[indistinct chattering]
[Olga] Za, za, za, fish skins,
turn to the right, kick your chin.
-[chuckling]
-[Man] Yeah, that's a good one.
Hailey!
Hey, honey, I just wanted to say
that even though you decided
not to perform with us,
I completely support--
Excuse me, strange middle-aged man.
We are clearly rehearsing.
And you have wasted 6.35 seconds
of our rehearsal time.
So please step 7.5 meters away.
Still rehearsing? Impressive.
But make sure you have fun.
Fun? Fun!
Perfection is not fun.
Fun is for stinky strudelpump bats.
No one knows what that is.
I guess that's my cue.
[distant cheer and applause]
[applause continues]
[cheering continues]
When the waves are high and choppy ♪
And I'm 12 leagues out from landing ♪
With a leak in the hold
And the wind's blowing cold ♪
I remember who's com ♪
I thought a perfect routine with Das B3at
was all I wanted.
But when I saw my uncles performing,
I realized having fun was
more important than I thought.
manding ♪
[rhythmic beating]
Sea sauce, sea sauce
The ocean knows she's boss ♪
Drop the main sail
And ride with the tide ♪
Sea sauce, sea sauce
The only way to cross ♪
Is to go with the flow
Go where she goes ♪
Savor each toss of sea sauce ♪
[loud cheering and applause]
-[wristband chimes]
-[exclaims] Whoa, we did it!
A perfect tomato-less performance!
Yeah
but I kind of miss getting tomatoed.
It was more fun.
You can't eat a perfect performance.
[farts]
[Kristine] That's when Hailey
knew what she had to do.
Thank you, everyone!
And now, we have one more song.
Pelt me from my head to-ma-toes ♪
Don't stop till
There's juice up my nose ♪
Pelt me from my head to-ma-toes ♪
[cheering]
That was imperfect.
I know, isn't it great?
[footsteps trailing]
Hello, we are Das B3at
and we are better than you!
We will now show you Oceanside birdbrains
-what real music is. [exclaims]
-[splatting]
-Gotcha!
-Splatter up!
-[Scott chuckles]
-[splatting]
No! Our white turtlenecks!
These stains will never come out.
[splatting continues]
[Frederix] But we are better than you!
[Kristine] And that's the story
of my bestie, Hailey Banks
and her perfect performance
at the Splatter of the Bands.
[Kristine] And now, a pic
of my super cute new hat.
[squeals] Sorry, I couldn't resist.
[exclaims] Woohoo-hoo, yes!
Kristine, the assignment was supposed
to be about the solar system.
Of course, Mr. Williams!
This all happened
in the solar system. [squeals]
[splat]
The future's in my hands ♪
The world's what you make it
Get up and chase it ♪
Leaving nothing to chance ♪
I'm taking action, making it happen ♪
No matter what tomorrow might bring ♪
I got the guts to do anything ♪
The future's in my hands ♪
Promise I'm on it ♪
I'm on it ♪
Hey, hey, Hailey's on it ♪
Hey, hey, Hailey's on it ♪