Happily Divorced (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

"Happily Divorced" is shot before a live audience.
I'll have a small popcorn, no butter, please.
- Anything for yours boyfriend? - I don't have a boyfriend, he's my ex.
Uh you know what, give me a Jumbo ** with butter.
And once more.
And once more.
And once more.
Now, shake it up good and once more.
Hey.
Saturday night at the movies with my two best friends.
Who needs a man? - Uh, Fran? - Yeah? You remember when we were leaving the house and we were kind of late and you wanted to change and I said, "don't bother, nobody's ever gonna see you"? Who's here and do I have to kill you? Your ex-boyfriend, Elliot, so I'm gonna go with yes.
Oh, my God, I look like I just slept on a bus.
- Block me, block me! - Here, let me get this.
Oh, he looks fine! You shoulda tried harder to hold onto that.
I tried.
But he thought that Peter was too involved in my life.
Which is totally ridiculous.
Blot.
Fran? Elliot! What a nice surprise! It's so nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
- Hi, Elliot.
- Hey, Judi.
Judi, take your popcorn.
Hey, Elliot, so we meet again.
Yeah.
I see you guys are still hanging out.
Well, you know, since he's here and you can see him, I guess I'll have to say yes.
But, you know, to tell you the truth, we were together for 18 years.
There is a strong connection, and that sort of thing, you know, doesn't just quickly go away.
Go away.
I remember that well.
Yeah, me too.
You have popcorn in your hair.
Oh.
It was terrific running into you.
Yeah, it's lovely running me too.
Enjoy the movie.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I think he's really into me.
I mean, he said, "enjoy the movie.
" Who would say that if they didn't want to get back together, right? He picked food out of my hair.
And with monkeys, that's, like, considered foreplay.
You know what? Maybe you should ask him to grab a cup of coffee or something.
You think I should? I mean, I won't come across too pushy? When has that ever been a problem for you? Go on.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm gonna go.
He's on a date.
We'll do it another time.
do you think Elliot's new girlfriend is prettier than me? No, of course not.
You think she's thinner than me? Sweetie, don't do this to yourself.
The only reason she looks prettier and thinner is because she's ten years younger.
And I just heard what I said.
- Oh, God.
- What? It's Elliot's jacket.
- You kept his jacket? - Maybe.
Oh, I wanted to save it as an excuse to see him again.
I'd just, you know, give him a call and say "I got your jacket.
" He'd say, "well, can you bring it over?" I'd say, "okay.
" Then he'd look at me.
He'd say, "God, you look so thin.
I can't live without you.
" And then you'd move out, he'd move in.
We'd get a little dog.
You know, something small that doesn't shed.
I know.
I'm a sick woman.
Here, take the jacket.
At least someone will enjoy it.
Oh, good-bye, bumpers.
You named the jacket? Of course not.
Bumpers is the name of our dog.
What kind of a nut names a jacket? All right, that is it.
You have got to move on.
Just like I had to move on when Neal Patrick Harris got married.
We have got to find new people.
How? We're in our forties, we don't have any money.
Where do losers like us find people? I'm on eHarmony, Match.
com, Plenty Of Fish, and JDate.
JDate? Isn't that for Jewish people? Oh, please.
Nobody checks the label when you like the dress.
Okay, in order to save time, I think I'm gonna go with "meatmarket.
" They have a gay side and a straight side.
I don't know about this, Judi.
I mean, I don't even buy shoes online.
What if they're too small? If you know what I mean.
I'm not allowed to go on the Internet.
My wife caught me looking at too much po political satire.
By the way, if you don't uncheck the little box, there's a recurring monthly charge for political satire.
Okay, I created a profile.
Do you like the picture? Whoa, are you kidding? I look ten years younger.
What did you do? Photoshop.
It's plastic surgery for poor people.
Okay, format and post.
All right.
Fun! When do we start meeting people? Well, if you're lucky, you'll have men by breakfast tomorrow.
If you're not, well that's why God created waffles.
You hear that, franny? It's gonna be raining men.
Hallelujah! Don't write in my profile that I said that.
- Someone wants you.
- Ooh, what's that? - What's that? What's that? - I think you got a hit! - Who got a hit? - Franny.
Someone wants you.
Hey, you got another hit! Someone wants you.
And another hit.
Oh, my God, they're pouring in! Wow, isn't this great? Yay.
Well, I'm ready for my first date.
What's his name? Jazzman49.
Franny, how come I'm not getting any hits? Because you're not honest on your profile, Mr.
surferdude38.
Oh, that's jazzman now, maybe.
Coming.
That's funny.
Nobody was there.
Oh! Oh.
Fran! Hiiiii.
You're as pretty as your picture.
I can see we're gonna have a great time.
And I can see my tree needs pruning.
I'll wait up.
It looks like it's gonna be a short date.
Ha ha.
There's plenty more where he came from.
Well, thank you, that was a lovely evening, and your mom's a lot of fun too.
Isn't she? Can we see you again? No.
I can't believe both my credit cards were declined.
Yeah.
Good thing mine wasn't, huh? Uh, can I see you again? No.
Well, tonight was just, uh Magical? - Can I see you a - No.
How was the date? Don't ask.
What's so funny? I just sent your father an enticing text.
You guys are sexting each other? Sometimes your mother sends me pictures to excite me.
Wanna see what I'm getting tonight? No, daddy, I don't think Oh, a pastrami sandwich? Married 45 years and it's still as good as the first time she gave it to me.
Oh, Glen.
Oh, I want what you guys have.
Sweetheart, you have it.
You and Peter are a wonderful team.
Oh, but he got traded.
Now I need a new player for my dugout.
Sweetheart, you just got started with this interweb dating.
Give it a chance.
I have, but nobody makes me feel the way Elliot did.
Dumped? You do remember you gave me power to pull the plug on you, don't you? Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but how many times can we hear about Elliot? You really have got to get over him.
I can't.
You know what this reminds me of? Gary Cassitore.
Here we go.
When I was young I was obsessed with Gary Cassitore.
He was a beautiful piece of man.
He was fat.
It was not fat, Glen.
It was muscles at rest.
Anyway, after he dumped me, I compared every man with him.
No one was good enough.
Still in the kitchen.
And only after I got rid of everything that reminded me of Gary was I able finally to move on.
Oh, but I could get rid of everything of Elliot's.
How do I get rid of my feelings? - Sweetheart.
- Yes? I don't know.
Franny, it's time.
Elliot has a girlfriend.
Unfriend him, Fran.
All right, all right.
Let me just post a comment on this cute little kitten playing the piano.
Fran, let me I help you.
I will do it.
- Oh, wait! - Whoa, Fran! I'm about to tell you something that will change your life.
You're straight again? Better.
Remember that girl we saw at the movies with Elliot? - Yeah? - I don't think it's serious.
- What do you know? - She's his sister! Let me see! Oh, she's so pretty.
Oh! Oh, he's on, he's on! Should I tell him that we're getting back together? - Start by saying "hi.
" - Mm-hmm.
- But play it cool.
- Okay.
Don't tell him that you missed him, dreamt about him, or made a playlist for him.
Delete, delete, delete.
Well, I gotta see him.
How do I do it so it doesn't seem desperate? Ooh, I got it, I got it! I got it.
And send.
Hey, just remember, it was me who found out it was his sister and changed your life and made up for every bad I ever did.
Oh! Oh, look! It worked! It worked! He's gonna be at the beachouse later and he wants me to come over tonight.
Ooh, the beach house.
That's where you guys first made waves.
Yes, we did.
What did you say to him? I told him that I would bring him his leather jacket back.
Wasn't that genius? You mean the leather jacket you gave me? Yes, and why are you backing out of the room? Uh, well, I kinda, sorta gave it to a gay thrift shop.
You gave Elliot's jacket to "Not so straight off the rack"? Wait a minute.
How do you know about that place? Oh, all the gay guys bring the stuff there that they don't want.
I'm lucky he didn't drop me off there.
Okay, we're looking for a black leather jacket.
Here's his scent.
Scratch, sniff, go.
What am I, a bloodhound? Just find the jacket.
- Ooh, Fran! - What? Do you see the jacket? No, it's a vintage Versace.
Peter, come on! - Ooh, Fran, look! - Oh, oh, oh! That's Elliot's jacket.
One of us is gonna have to flirt with him.
Do you think he's gay? Peter if I could spot a gay man, would we be here? Let's resort to honesty.
Excuse me, sir.
Um, it appears as if you're going to buy that jacket, and I just wanted to tell you that we donated that jacket accidentally.
It belongs to my boyfriend and I have to get it back in order to get him back because he's my last chance at happiness.
That's a beautiful story.
I'd cry, but I don't want to get tear-stains on my new jacket.
Okay, now, Fran, Fran, if he really wants it that bad, let him have it, even if it makes him look boxy.
Okay, calm down.
- Hey there.
- Hi there yourself.
Oh, come on in.
Oh, thank you so much for bringing me back my jacket.
- I missed this.
- I missed you.
What? - What? - What? Uh, beautiful view.
Just, what a beautiful view.
And the place looks incredible.
Thank you.
Oh, we had some good times here.
And there.
And there.
And out there.
- Can I get you a drink? - Uh, yeah, please.
- The usual? - Uh, double, please.
Oh, a "doo-blay.
" You know, when I saw you at the movie theater, you disappeared so quick.
- Oh! Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
I wanted to introduce you to my sister.
Oh! Ooh, you have a sister? - Really? Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's helping her girlfriend plan a wedding, and so I suggested you do the flowers.
Really? Oh, that's so sweet.
- I love you.
- What? In that color.
What, uh, do they call that? Black? Hola, Cesar! Mr.
Peter, oh, look at you, smiling.
- What happened? - Cesar, we found the jacket.
I really think it's gonna help Fran get back together with Elliot and maybe she can just move on wither life.
It really feels good to do something nice for someone.
Yeah.
You did what Ms.
Fran calls a mitzvah.
You put something good out into the universe and something good comes back.
Oh, well, Cesar, that's not why I did it.
Did I get any hits? Nada.
The universe sucks.
Hi, is Fran here? Uh, no, she's not.
I can help you.
I need some flowers for a shower.
My brother recommended her.
Oh, you're Elliot's sister.
I saw you the other night at the movie theater.
You were wearing that adorable Jean jacket with the Fleur-de-lis and those gorgeous Louboutin wedges.
You must be the ex-husband.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Let me show you some of Fran's arrangements.
You know, it's a funny story.
At the movie theatre that night, we thought you were Elliot's date.
Well, we were spending a lot of time together.
He was a little lonely.
Oh, well, I've been spending a lot of time with Fran because well, I have no other place to go, so But, things are looking up for Elliot.
Oh, yeah, and they're looking up for Fran too.
I think it's really gonna work out between him and Audrey.
There's nothing I would like more.
Who's Audrey? His ex-wife.
They're back together.
I think the universe heard you say it sucks.
You know, I still tell this funny story about how Peter got into bed with you and me.
Yeah, I don't.
- How is Peter? - Oh, good, good.
Still there, but forging his own life.
Got his own phone line in the den now.
You know, I am so glad you're here, Fran, 'cause seeing you at the movies got me thinking.
Breaking up with you because Peter was still in your life, that was a mistake.
Itas? I gotta take this.
I am so sorry.
Just make yourself comfortable.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, all right.
- Take your time.
- Yeah.
Hello? Ah, great.
Sexy music.
- Oh, hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
Guess what.
What? Fran dropped by, and I really want you to meet her.
Oh, where is she? Uh, Fran? I'm out here.
Fran, uh, I would like you to meet Audrey, my ex-wife.
Who he recently got back together with.
Oh, uh, uh Mazel tov! Fran, what what what are you doing? Well, you told me to get comfortable.
I'm not.
Are you guys? Not particularly.
When did all this happen? Um, when I saw you and Peter, you know, it got me thinking that, you know, maybe I should get along better with my ex-wife.
And so I gave her a call and one thing led to another and Are you telling me that because of me, you guys got back together? Yeah, kinda.
Well, what do you know? Elliot, hi.
Oh, you must be Audrey.
Wow.
Why didn't you answer my texts? I shut my phone off.
I thought that I was gonna get lucky.
I was wrong.
Hey.
Well, that's it, folks.
We're gonna leave.
Great place.
If you ever want to sell, Peter Lovett.
Nice meeting you, Audrey.
Uh, that was fun.
We gotta catch up again.
Oh, my God.
I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.
Do you think I blew it with him? No, sweetie.
I saw the way he was looking at you.
Really? 'Cause I was picking up a vibe.
And I'm gonna have to return this robe.
- Fran! - What? It's over! Oh, right.
Movin' on.
Movin' on.
You know why we haven't found men? - Because we're trying too hard.
- You know what they say.
Good things come to those that don't try as hard as we do.
I think we should just get off the Internet.
Oh, you are absolutely right.
And you can't get chemistry from a computer screen.
You can't get chem it's cold.
It's impersonal.
It's not the way God intended people to meet people.
That's why God created bars.
You go, you get schnockered.
Boom, chemistry.
Yeah.
That's why he's him.
- Yep.
No more.
- That's it.
- Putting it over here.
- Good-bye.
It's just not it's not part of our lives anymore.
Someone wants you.