Happy Endings s01e07 Episode Script

Yo, Brad, guess what came in the mail today.
Excuse Me While You Die.
'' Ha, ha.
Pre-order.
No, no, no.
No.
Will not say that.
There's this new guy, Franklin, who just started working with me.
Think you guys would be perfect for each other.
Look at Brad, being my pimp.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
- Yeah, give him my number.
- Brew crew, right here.
Uh, dude, you're dripping stuff on my stuff.
House rule: lf you don't unpack, it becomes furniture.
You're gonna just spill pico de gallo all over Jordan? That's disrespect, man.
Respect would be hanging that up.
It's time to unpack, bro.
You've been here for like three months.
Dude, that's my T-shirt that you're using as a napkin.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Not a napkin? l thought our napkins had V-necks.
No.
Why do l live here? You don't seem to understand, Jane, l am terrified.
Penny, you don't need to do this.
Guys, l have an announcement.
l've come to say goodbye.
l've been making some major life choices and l've decided to leave Chicago.
Bye.
What's going on? A break-in in her neighborhood.
Now she's moving back in with her parents.
Just until there's no more crime in America.
Or do what l did in college.
Hook up with a ton of girls and call it a phase? What? - Heh.
It was a phase.
- Long phase.
What l'm talking about is taking a self-defense class.
It's incredibly empowering.
You could benefit from learning how to stand up for yourself.
She's right, Pen.
No offense, but you do tend to shy away from confrontation.
Oh, Penny, what did they do to your car? Could l get 2 back? Sure.
ln my defense, l do tend to shy away from confrontation.
Oh.
Hmm.
Brad thinks it's fun to play a video game where he rips a wizard limb from limb, but l'm the freak for watching S#U.
Totally.
l hate that-- Hee-yah! And you have been disarmed.
What was that? l took your advice.
l've been taking krav maga.
It's this hardcore lsraeli martial art.
It is the best.
l have never felt more confident, more safe, and l've really developed a killer instinct.
That's great, sweetie.
Maybe l'll tag along sometime.
You should! But be warned, in just four sessions, mild-mannered Chicagoan Penny Hartz has turned into lsraeli angel of vengeance Shira Abramowitz.
Bam! Take that to the West Bank, sucka! Unh! So is Shira paying? ls that--? No, no, no.
Capture that baby and rip its fingers off.
Ho-ho, it's spewing rubies.
l know, right? Ha, ha, ha.
Max, the shower burned me again.
Dave, it's a shower, bud.
It's not that hard.
Let the water run for six seconds, jump in.
You got at least 30 seconds of decent, temperate water.
Quarter-turn yourself to avoid the rust blast.
Go back in for another 30 seconds.
It's like he's never showered before.
l hate you.
Hello? Hi, Dave, how's it going? Hello, high voice.
Either you're wearing tight jeans or you have a mouse.
Both.
It was not easy getting on this chair.
Come over? l assumed l wasn't on mouse patrol since we broke up and l moved out.
Please.
He's settling in for the long haul.
l saw him drag a meatball under the couch.
Can you get us our headsets? That kid Biju's online again and he's talking a lot of trash.
Okay, l'll be right over.
Oh, so how'd your date go with Franklin? Eh.
l get in the supply closet, then finally find the pens, and so it's like everyone has one now, and-- Good, good.
Did you drive here? Yeah.
Do you wanna go for a drive or? No, l was gonna tell you to order more drinks, then ride your car off a cliff.
Thought you would have had a good time.
You're both We're both what? Super cool dudes.
Pause.
You were gonna say gay.
Uh-uh.
It all makes sense now.
You, my friend, are a ''gaycist.
'' What? You think all gays are the same.
You think just because Franklin and l are both friends of Elton we'll move to Vermont start selling antiques? No, l did not say that.
Un-pause.
Relax, it's fine, l'm just messing with you.
Some parts of the stereotype are true.
l mean, we did have raging sex in a bus terminal.
Ha, ha.
Really? Pause.
No! Play date suspended on account of your ''gaycism.
'' We're not even gonna prank calls.
Aw, man.
Okay, one.
Ha, ha.
Just follow my lead, Jane.
The key, l'll tell you now, this one's for free, is stretching out your lats.
It gives you a little extra torque on your kill kicks.
What l heard gives you extra torque as well is knowing where your lats are.
Okay, l know where my lats are.
Uh-huh.
They're right - here.
- Everyone, pay attention.
My name is Yoni, which in Hebrew is short for ''God's gift.
'' Unfortunately, in Sanskrit it means ''female genitals.
'' Let's pair off and start with some light disarming.
Everyone, grab a rubber knife.
Okay, baby girl, we're gonna take it nice and easy, okay? l'm just come at you kind of half-speed.
Here l go.
Ow.
Oh.
Ow, ow, ow.
Jane-- Ow.
What the--? Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Jane, ow! Nice work, girlies.
Nice work.
Okay, let's do it again.
Up, up for Yoni, eh? Let's get moving.
l have a Lamaze class to teach.
Are you sure that's a humane mousetrap? Yup.
Once we catch the little fella, we'll release him in the park where a homeless man will barbecue him on a skewer.
What? You should get that fixed.
It's a pain, but don't worry, it's not a ghost.
Had it checked.
Good, l was just about to ask if it was a ghost.
Oh, l gotta get to my shop.
You mind staying, finishing up, then letting yourself out, or is that weird? Why would that be weird? Every foot of this apartment has seen me naked.
Now it's weird.
Go on, get out of here.
Okay.
See you.
The old apartment.
Uh Hello.
l'm telling you, l'm not gaycist.
Yeah, okay.
You're my closest friend.
You're gay.
Typical gaycist rhetoric.
You people, you're all the same.
''You people?'' Now, that's racist.
l taught you how to eat a guy's spine, dawg, and this is how you do me? That's cold, player.
You're talking like a stereotypical black person, and l'm a gaycist? Hmph! This is ridiculous.
Right, Penny? Penny? Oh, my God, sorry.
l'm a little jumpy because your wife fake-stabbed me 38 times today.
Oh, you forgot her half-birthday too? That woman is an animal.
l know.
DAVE Hello.
It's me.
Did you catch the mouse? Still working on it.
Oh, he's a sneaky little guy.
Oh, wait.
Did you get him? Hold on.
Let me check real quick.
Hmm.
Nope, false alarm.
Might have to come back tomorrow.
It's been four days.
Can't believe you haven't caught this mouse.
l know.
He's my Bin Laden.
Jessica Bin Laden, super-hot Arab girl l went to college with.
She was the one that got away.
Anyway Thanks for fixing that cabinet.
Yeah, totally.
Thanks for fixing the AC too.
l also fixed your surround sound, and brought this special cable so you can watch TV in hi-def.
That is so nice.
You know, l just wanna make the place more comfy.
For you.
Yeah.
Thanks for fixing so much stuff.
Okay.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Doesn't this suck, how this mouse has totally inconvenienced us? Torture.
Yeah.
You ever thought about getting the NFL package? l can call for you.
What's wrong? Max keeps calling me a gaycist.
That's awful.
l have no idea what that means.
l think all gay people are attracted to each other.
But you don't.
l know.
l love gays.
Hilary Swank, Tom Hanks, Jake Gyllenhaal, Will Smith.
You're naming actors who played gay characters.
But acting is pretty gay.
How did this come up? l tried to fix him up with Franklin.
That guy? Yeah.
Franklin's so boring, when l'm tired, l count Franklins.
Heh.
Like, uh, sheep.
Ahem, so why did you set them up, because they're both gay? No.
Wait, you're gay? Yeah.
You should meet my buddy.
He's gay.
Wow.
Married to a gaycist.
That's not-- You don't l'm not a gaycist, and l'll prove it.
l'll show Max he and Franklin have more in common than just being gay.
Mm-hm.
Good luck with that.
l am gonna go get my krav on.
Ha, ha.
Penny and l are having so much fun with this.
Really? Sure about that? She loves it.
- Aah! - Beautiful.
Now use her own gun against her.
Pop, pop, pop! Wonderful, Jane.
Wonderful.
You're like a cobra: swift, lethal.
Penny, you will have a sparsely attended memorial service.
She's still moving.
Pop, pop, pop! Ugh! Click, click, click.
What? Boom! Boom! All right, we get it, we get it.
Hey.
That cheese is for the customers.
l could be a customer.
Do you have this in a men's extra husky? Why are you here again? Free Wi-Fi.
Right.
Hey, have you seen Dave? He only comes home to sleep.
It's like living with a stripper.
He's trying to catch a mouse at my place.
Still? Yeah.
Pretty wily mouse.
But it's working out.
Dave's been fixing things while he waits.
You're not concerned that Dave is day-squatting and playing Mr.
Fix-it in the love nest you used to share? What are you getting at? Alex, l'm no doctor.
You know that.
It's just that l feel like Dave is having a tough time moving on.
He hasn't even unpacked his Jordan poster.
Really? l mean, he hung that in his car on a road trip to Wisconsin.
Think he's trying to use this situation as a way to ease us back together? Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Really? Or not, l don't know.
Look at me.
l'm a fancy lady.
Those are bracelets.
Are they? Yeah.
Okay.
Where are you going? l gotta go.
l'm gonna put boogers in your candles.
Dave.
Alex.
Hey.
The mouse remains at large.
l had to be completely still, which is why l was lying on the couch, and l had to take off my pants because the mouse could hear my jeans.
What's that smell? Have you been cooking? Had some time, l thought l'd make dinner.
Dinner? Listen, l know this is not about the mouse, okay? You do? Yes, and you can't keep coming here.
You don't know what it's like without-- Stop.
Max and l talked about this and it's getting weird.
It's miserable.
Most mornings l can't get out of bed because all that's waiting for me is a searing scalding shower of pain.
l feel for you, okay? l do.
But l just-- l can't do this now.
We can make it work.
l think you should go.
Go.
It was chili.
Five, six, seven, and Push, push, push, and kick.
Push, push, push, and kick.
Penny.
Penny.
What's going on? What does it look like? Like Cocoon.
Are you not going to krav? Not anymore.
Jazz Kwon Do is really fun, and you make krav too intense.
It's supposed to be.
lf someone breaks into your house, they are not going to ''jazz'' rob you, they'll ''rob'' rob you, or ''murder'' murder you.
l am doing this for your own good.
But you, like, destroyed my confidence.
You beat the Shira out of me.
Fine.
Have fun in your dance class and when you get your killer instinct back, you know where l'll be.
l can find my killer instinct right here.
Okay, and Fosse Fists.
And go, go, go.
Shake it.
Eight-Mississippi, nine-Mississippi, quarter turn, avoid the rust.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
l got you beat, rust.
l got you beat.
And back in.
Turn the nozzle 90 degrees, and we're in business.
This is not so bad.
Oh, God! Ugh! Oh, God.
Max, help! Max! ln ''Penalty of Death'' you create your own character.
So l made myself Glenn Beck, so if l die l don't feel bad.
Why do you keep staring at the door? l'm not.
Hey, look, it's Franklin.
Oh, Brad, Max, what's up, home--? Homeboys.
Heh.
Boom! Hip-hop.
l like it.
Do you like it? What you been up to? Anything Max would be interested in? Uh, l bought the new people-killing game for the X-Station Box.
Did l mention l was a video gamester? l probably didn't get a chance to during our time together, divulge that important detail.
Now l can sleep tonight.
- Ah! Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Look at this guy.
Yeah, l'd like to see that.
Oh, other facts that may have escaped me that night, uh, that l love, uh, for instance, eating late at night.
That's one.
l love having a Chicago accent and judging people cruelly.
Wow, those are all things that l enjoy as well.
Right.
Heh.
Anyways, well, l kind of gotta go.
Uh-- Uh-- You know what? l actually, uh, gotta go.
l'm gonna make a prank call to an ethnic restaurant and exploit the language barrier.
Yeah, so funny.
It's funny when people are different.
Yes, yes.
All right, so l'm out, whatever.
No biggie, who cares.
Bye.
Good old awesome, dependable, compatible Franklin.
l know what you're trying to do.
Max, l just think-- You're trying to get me to give Franklin a second chance.
And l should.
Really? What do you say the three of us go hang out? Cool, man, yeah.
l'll set it up, bro.
That's awesome.
It'll just be me, you and Franklin.
Mm-hm.
l don't mind being the meat in that sandwich.
- Thanks for letting me crash here.
- Yeah.
Jane has just gotten in my head.
l don't feel safe in my apartment.
No problem.
Let yourselfin.
I'll be home later.
Oh, okay, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
All right, l love you.
You too.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Hey-- Dave? Yeah, Dave.
Yes.
l am sorry.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? l wanna take a shower.
Yeah, okay, that makes total-- What are you doing here? You have your own shower.
l know.
But every time l shower at Max's place, l come out looking like Fisher Stevens from Short Circuit.
Sweetie, you can't keep calling it ''Max's place,'' okay? It's your place too.
And you cannot break into your ex-fiancee's house to shower because this is just straight-up creep-town.
l know, l gotta deal.
Oh.
Oh.
Ow.
Are you okay? Ooh.
Yeah, l'm fine.
l'm fine.
Although, l do think you kicked my P into a V.
Nice.
l did that.
l did that.
Or should l say Shira did that.
Thank you, Shira.
You're welcome.
Would you care for some hummus? Hee-yah! No, Peyton Manning's the funny one.
Eli is the one that can't close his mouth.
- Okay, sorry.
Okay.
- Hey, guys.
Hey.
Keep it to yourself, Franklin.
So l brought along a friend of mine that, Brad, l think you will just hit it off with.
Brad, l'd like you to meet Miss Mary.
l met her on my floor, selling Bibles.
l thought you guys got a lot in common.
So nice to meet you, Brad.
Ma'am.
Why don't you have a seat.
Tell Brad about how your religion doesn't believe in blood transfusions.
Oh, sure.
Ha, ha, ha.
Um, no offense, Miss Mary, but, Max, what on earth do you think l have in common with this woman? Why do l think you have something in common with her? Yeah.
l don't know, because you're both Okay, l'm a gaycist.
There it is, put it on the board.
Ha, ha.
You have nothing in common except your sexual preference.
It's all right.
Me and Franklin still had raging sex in the bathroom.
You guys had sex in the bathroom? No.
Ugh.
You boys are going straight to hell in a hand basket.
And with one swift yank of the testicles-- Hey! l got my killer instinct back.
l stood up for myself and last night l beat Dave's ass, and now l've come for you.
And this time l know where my lats are.
Boom.
Still no.
And you beat Dave, our friend, up? Shut your mouth, Scarecrow.
It is game, set, go time.
Match, you and me.
Dave, we need to talk.
l was thinking about it, and the way l kicked you out the other day was rude.
It's okay.
l understand.
No, l was being selfish.
l really liked the way that you were fixing stuff.
l didn't stop to think about how that might reawaken all those feelings in you.
Feelings? Trust me, l have complicated feelings about you too.
l don't think now is the right time to try to get back together.
Oh, ha, ha.
Oh, no, no, l don't wanna get back together.
The only thing l wanted to get back with was my old shower.
Really? Wait, you expect me to believe that you, basically, moved back into my apartment because you love my shower? Yeah, because it's clean.
You have soap shaped like butterflies.
Here, the soap is shaped like 1 5 mini-soaps smashed together, wrapped in hair.
You can just buy soap.
Alex, l swear l don't have any reawakened feelings.
l know.
Unlike you, who apparently is fully awake.
What? What? No.
l'm not awake at all.
Nope.
Uh-uh.
What are you doing in my apartment? Trying to figure out how to delete 1 Oh.
Yeah.
Since when are you calling this your place? Well, it is gnarly, but it's home.
Well, not quite.
l could help you hang this.
l taught myself how to hammer a nail.
Um, you know you can't hammer nails into brick? You know that, right? Yep.
Mm-hm.
Looks better here.
You gonna be able to decorate with all those feelings dancing in your head? Shut up.
How about this? Does this, uh, complicate things? Excuse me? This? l don't understand that.
What about this? Mmm! Whoo, boy.
What about this? It is complicated.
Don't pull something.
You wanna do this? Uh-huh.
l'm not gonna hold back, Penny.
Who's Penny? My name is Shira Abramowitz.
Aah! l'm proud of you, Pen.
You got your killer instinct back.
Doesn't mean l don't still own you.
Get her, get her.
More ruthless, like you're a gang member.
Good, good trip, l like it.
l stab you! l have a force field! Okay, Jane, get the wooden gun.
Pop, pop, pop! Fosse Fists.
What the hell is a Fosse Fist? Sucka.
It was the krav maga that might have beaten you, but it was the Jazz Kwon Do that made it look so fine.
Jazz Kwon Do? - Where do l sign up? - Nice fight.
Really great moves.
l'm so proud.
You were great.
l was like Guys, l promise you, this is not a drill.
Let's get into formation.
We're five, six, seven, eight.
Grab your tiny hat.
Fosse Fists, Fosse Fists, Fosse Fists, Fosse Fists.
Hat.
Hat, hat.
- Krav! - Hee-yah! Bring it back to center.
Have a little fun and take a quick break.
And now back.
Back it, back it up.
We're here! Punch! Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa.
No! No! No! Yes.
Shh.
We're going again.
We are going again.
l like your energy.
Now you know it, now forget it.