Heathers (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Do I Look Like Mother Teresa?
1 ["IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT" PLAYING.]
"Dear diary, "I was never that girl who was into fairy tales.
"I always thought Snow White was boring.
"Rapunzel was kind of a slut.
"And Cinderella was certifiably insane.
"I know I've technically been complicit in a few murders, "but at least I don't talk to rats.
"But now I know "the real reason I never liked fairy tales "is because they always end in the wrong place.
"Who cares about the dress and the slipper and the ball "and the talking animals? "I wanna see after 'happily ever after.
' "I wanna see Cinderella and the Prince fight.
"I wanna see them tear each other apart "and put each other back together again.
"Then, and only then, "will it truly be a fairy tale.
It only Takes a moment To be loved A whole life long And we'll recall When time runs out That it only Took a moment To be loved A whole life Long [INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang Oh! [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
- - [FINGER SNAP ECHOES.]
[CHORAL HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
She ruined the play.
I heard it was terrible, terrible.
- She threw up all over Amita.
- Oh, my God.
Everybody's talking about it.
[ECHOING LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Hello, Heather.
We've been waiting for you.
Heathers? This is Heather.
- Hi, Heather.
- Hi, Heather.
Hi, Heather.
Now, Heather, you had something to share.
Well I feel betrayed.
My protégé, who I literally made, stole my spotlight.
- It's not your fault.
- Trust no bitch.
- I know.
- Thank you, Heather.
Who's next? Well, I'm here because I'm having some issues with my career.
My brand got trashed.
And then I had this starring vehicle, and that fell apart because of witchcraft.
So it's like, what's my thing? You know? Just let it out.
You'll get through this, girl.
You always do.
Thank you, Heather.
Who's next? Okay, fine, I'll go.
I'm here because I hate my friends.
One best friend tried to kill me.
Then my other best friend killed herself without even running it by me.
And my third best friend ruined my reputation and fat-shamed me.
I mean, what is wrong with everyone? And do you have something to share, Heather? Well [SIGHS.]
I am amazing.
I'm perfect.
I have it all.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
And yet, my oldest friend, Heather Duke, basically Basically made fun of me.
- [GASPS.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
So I guess that's why I'm here.
I mean, what have I ever done wrong? So do we all see a pattern here? There's a common thread in all of these stories.
Jealous bitches? Ignorant plebes? Broke-down, stank-ass queefs? No, Heathers.
The problem is you.
- [GASPS.]
What? - Me? - Are you kidding me? - How is that even possible? How could I be the problem, troll witch? What are you saying? I'm saying, maybe it's time you faced it.
We Heather Chandlers are having all of these problems not because of other people, but because we are not a good person.
[SNICKERS.]
Not a good per This bitch.
I swear to God.
- Look at me, I am a victim.
- Are you joking? You do not know who you're fucking with.
It's true, I've been there.
I was where you all are now, but I changed.
And I know there is a way out.
The road to being a good person is long.
But the first step starts with making amends.
- Apologize? - To who? To everyone you've ever hurt.
But that could take years.
I'm sorry, but it's the only way.
The first step starts with saying [WHIMSICAL MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
"I'm sorry.
" [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Don't you think Heather M would be proud - of how far we've come? - Heather Chandler's a total pariah.
I'm the most popular kid in school.
And you finally learned how to apply foundation.
Thanks, Heather.
Okay.
Fine, a And you and JD are still going strong.
I wonder what I'll wear to your wedding.
Something tasteful but that still makes me the center of attention? Yeah.
Well, if I ever get married, just promise me you'll wear all black, 'cause that'll be my death.
Mm, just, like JD and I are too in love to do something as lame as marriage.
That's for normal people.
And well, JD and I aren't normal.
He understands me.
I mean, it took a little work, but now we're finally on the same page.
More than I ever thought possible.
Veronica, I was hoping all the sex you're having would finally deep-dick the quote of the day out of you, but I guess not? Even the famous Heather Duke wit can't bring me down.
[CHUCKLES.]
You wanna ditch gym and go get slushies? Only if you'll come out with me tonight to celebrate Heather M's birthday.
Oh, do you wanna go to Gondalo's? Heather loved that place.
Gondalo's? Heather M wouldn't want us to celebrate her birthday over chips and upchuck con queso.
We're seniors.
She'd want us to spend her special night doing something she truly loved.
Going to a bar and getting older men to buy us drinks.
[CALM ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
I'm sorry I called you a moldy, potato bug orgy.
I'm sorry I told you you were adopted before your parents had the chance.
I'm sorry I told you you couldn't pull off French braids.
No one can.
but I shouldn't have singled you out.
I'm sorry I made you change your name to Maurice.
It's okay, it suits me.
I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry I told everyone you slept with those two hatchet-faced bitches who work at the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry.
[SNICKERS.]
Why are you doing this? Because I'm trying to be a better person.
- [GASPS.]
- You are sick.
What kind of wicked game are you playing, Heather? Heather, just hear me out.
Heather, I'm sorry for pantsing you at the Sizzler in fifth grade.
I'm sorry I sold your underwear to the Japanese.
And I'm sorry I told everyone I have a bigger dick than you.
That's only true metaphorically.
I'm sorry I created an online account in the voice of your weird mole thing.
And I'm sorry it has 43,000 followers.
And I'm sorry I gave an interview to "Slate" about it.
So that's it? You're sorry.
Yes.
You, Heather Chandler, are suddenly a better person? I'm trying to be, yes.
What day is it? - Friday? - Mm, and? [SCOFFS.]
It's Heather M's birthday.
Oh.
Oh, should we go to that toilet water Mexican place she loved, like old times? You didn't even remember Heather M's first birthday after her suicide.
All these other twist ties, they may have fallen for your little apology tour.
But you haven't changed.
Heather M died, and you don't even have the decency to wear black.
So go have fun at Gondalo's alone, Heather.
I hope Heather M is looking down at you from heaven, judging the shit out of your hairline.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Brianna.
If you're gonna hit me, please do it below my waist where I can't feel anymore.
I'm sorry I yelled at you for trying to kill yourself.
And I'm sorry for yelling at you for being nice to me after the show.
And I'm sorry for nicknaming you Trailer Parker, which, while hilarious, was not very nice.
It's okay, Heather.
- Really? - Yes.
Forgiveness is one of my favorite things.
It gives me this warm feeling inside.
Jesus died so that we could forgive Organized religion is a disease.
I mean, thank you for accepting my apology.
["AMAZING GRACE" PLAYING.]
Did you know Heather McNamara? Today was her birthday.
Of course I remember her.
She would bully me several times a day.
Oh, right.
And I always appreciated how funny she was when she would humiliate me.
I mean, sometimes, you get bullied, and it's just plain mean.
But she would always add something clever to the mix.
So I'm thankful for that.
Would you like to come with me to her fave Mexican restaurant tonight? I wanna honor her.
A sit-down food store? Oh, yes! [GUFFAWS.]
- Great.
- [LAUGHS.]
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me So this is Gondalo's.
It's a dump, but they serve booze to minors, so Heather loved it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I feel like I'm in Spain already.
I'm just gonna operate under the assumption that you don't understand doing things ironically, so just order the quesadilla, and, I don't know, like it, I guess? Heather M would always eat five bites of one on her birthday.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You know, I think I can make your hair work.
We'll have to shave it off and then burn it, of course.
- But - Heather? [LOUNGE MUSIC.]
Let's do a shot in honor of Heather M's birthday.
[CHUCKLES.]
Two banana Schnapps.
And yes, we're over 21.
And thank you, we know we don't look it.
[SIGHS.]
Feels like just yesterday I was yelling at Heather for being a slut.
I miss her.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
To Heather.
To Heather.
Ugh.
- Ugh.
- [COUGHS.]
Which one of these assholes do you think Heather would've been into? The poorest one with the least amount of prospects? [GASPS.]
Oh, mon Dieu.
Look who's over there with that bootleg Heather McNamara-looking thing.
Mr.
Waters? What a piece of shit.
Ugh, poor girl.
She needs a mani, not a pedo.
Didn't he learn his lesson the first time? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
If I actually cared about other human beings, I would take him out back and make sure he's never a menace to the girls of Westerburg again.
I love that.
Everyone in that room killed Heather.
Heather McNamara and Mr.
Waters to the office.
I was thinking if there was more I could've done [SPEECH ECHOING.]
[TRADITIONAL MEXICAN MUSIC.]
What is happening? Why are you touching me? Oh, um, so sorry, um, reflex.
I was gonna say grace.
Do you mind? Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Dear Jesus, I know you don't have much time to think about me anymore and, despite my love for you, have seen fit to take the use of my legs, but you have mercifully left me with a working tongue, which I intend to use to enjoy this delicious meal.
Thank you, Lord.
Amen.
My prayer came true! [LAUGHS.]
We'll take this whole column.
Thank you.
No, I'm fine with the chips and the tomato water.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're afraid of ethnic food.
It's okay, it's just the same four ingredients - in different combinations.
- Mm, it's not that.
I had this kind of food in Guatemala.
Wai - You've been to Guatemala? - Mm-hmm.
As a kid.
You know, missionary work.
Digging wells, giving out medicine.
Oh, I didn't realize that poor people could also do charity.
Of course, silly.
There's always people you can help.
And these people are truly poor.
Poorer than you? [SNICKERS.]
And you still believe in God? Wow.
I mean Sorry.
That's great that you help people.
Um, Heather, can I get something off my chest? - Um - You know, even though my cable is scrambled, I have seen several segments of the movie "Carrie.
" And so I think I have an idea of where this night is going.
I just ask, if you're gonna dump some manner of pig blood on me, please do it after we eat.
What? You think I'm gonna "Carrie" you? Wh-wh-why would you think that? I just assumed since I'm a fucking good person, you bitch.
Oh.
Here.
Let me prove it to you, hmm? I'll let you take a selfie with me.
Give me your phone.
[GIGGLES.]
Get on in here.
Okay, here we go.
- Cheese.
- [CELL PHONE SNAPS.]
- I think I got it.
- Eek! [GIGGLES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Could you post it? I'm out of minutes.
I'm sorry, I literally don't understand what you're saying.
Becca, love is just an idea.
A theory.
An antiquated one at that.
You know what love is? Ownership.
I know you don't want that, right? Give me your car keys.
I'll claw his eyes out.
Love is a concept developed by the visually privileged that seeks to control others.
- You're too beautiful to be controlled.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I think I should go, I - No, no, come on.
Just one more drink.
Two whiskies.
It's just that I don't really feel comfortable - in places like this.
- Huh.
I guess I thought you were a good person, Rebecca.
But maybe I was wrong.
I mean, you said you'd have a few drinks with me, but I guess you lied.
It's fine, it's okay.
You can go.
I just didn't really peg you as a liar, that's all.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, I-I Sure.
I guess I could have another.
- Oh, great.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Your makeup's messed up.
Go fix yourself.
Bye.
But babe, if I objectify you, that's a compliment.
[WHISPERING.]
It's Kurt.
Because I love beautiful objects! Well, what if I died tomorrow, hmm? Then you'd feel bad.
Of course you would.
Besides, I miss your cute little mouth.
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I'll be right back.
Hey, you don't know me, but that guy you're with is a really bad dude.
Oh, he's harmless.
No, look, I know that you think that, but please believe me when I tell you that you're wrong.
You are in danger.
You just need to go straight out that back door and go home.
He means well.
I saw him put something in your drink.
- What? - Yes.
- Just now.
- Shouldn't we call the police? Yeah, in Sherwood? They're just gonna find some way to blame you.
Well, I wouldn't want him to hurt some other girl.
Don't worry.
It won't happen again.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I promise.
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
What a bitch.
And I put sunscreen on all over my body every day.
Can I have some of this? And then, I would've mmm I can give you, like, a whole Heather, we're going.
But I'm talking to Barbara.
Mm.
She's a poet.
Good luck.
[ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC.]
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
You know what I love about you, Veronica? You don't give a shit what anybody thinks.
You will boldly walk around school with those split ends, and you don't care.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you should get a platinum bob.
I want that to be your hair journey.
Where are we going? I-I want a grilled cheese.
Why are we stopping? Just stay here, okay? There's something I have to take care of.
Huh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Today marks the anniversary of the day that this leafy suburb was rocked by the murder of a little girl.
A murderer dubbed "The Croquet Killer.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Why have the Sherwood, Ohio, police let this case go unsolved for so long? Well, you know what? If the local police won't do their job and find this monster who's killing our children then I will.
- [OMINOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- That's right, Sherwood.
You can sleep tonight, because someone is finally doing right by little Lucy.
We are digging up that little girl's dead body.
We're digging it right up, fresh out of the ground.
And trust and believe, when we test that DNA, we will find the sick and twisted individual who did this and bring them to justice.
Shit.
Greetings and salutations, my dear.
I thought tonight was your girl's night out.
Change of plans.
What'd you have in mind? We're young, we're free.
Let's make out, get slushies, and avenge Heather M's suicide.
[DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I know Maui is pretty developed, but it's the only place with half decent sashimi.
I hope I get to see the ocean before I die.
[TRADITIONAL MEXICAN MUSIC.]
Okay, time to run.
I'll meet you in the parking lot.
- It's fine - You go that way.
- I'll wheel through the kitchen.
- Trailer.
I-I mean, Brianna.
I'll pay.
- Wow.
- It's my dad's card.
He wouldn't send me to Tokyo this year, so he can choke on my charges.
Thank you.
Other than the state of Ohio, no one's ever purchased a meal for me before.
Really? Maybe I am a good person.
Of course you're a good person.
You're confident.
You're direct.
You don't care what anyone thinks.
And anything you put your mind to, you achieve it.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
You would be surprised how many people disagree with you.
Honestly they're jealous.
Heather, the reason why you think you're so much better than everyone else is because you are.
Brianna you are my Guatemalan well.
Do you drink? - I don't know if the Lord - Allows it? [SNICKERS.]
Uh, yes.
Jesus bought wine for the bible people, right? - I guess so.
- Great.
Then we're getting margaritas.
Cadillacs.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
["HAIL BRITANNIA" PLAYING.]
[CHEERING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Cheerio, asshole.
[SNORING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Whatever it is you're thinking of doing, it's not too late to stop.
What am I thinking of doing, Mr.
Waters? Mr.
Waters? You're a student.
So you're young with a bright future.
Look, whatever your feelings are about me right now, don't throw away your life on this.
Hmm, maybe you should've given that speech to Heather McNamara.
Heather I loved Heather.
Heather was your student, so love should have nothing to do with it.
Heather wouldn't have wanted you to do this.
She loved me too.
Speaking of love, maybe a knife through the heart is how you're gonna decide to kill yourself.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to do this.
Heather was one of the only good people in this town, and now she's gone.
And I blame you.
[WHIMPERING.]
Babe, you wanna do the honors? No, no, babe.
This is your thing.
You should do it.
No, no, you should get to do it.
I insist.
- You're so good to me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I just, uh - I'm really proud of you.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [DUCT TAPE TEARING.]
- [SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Shit.
You're both going to jail, you sick fucks.
Veronica, I need a grilled cheese [GASPS.]
You're that low-grade skeeve! [MR.
WATERS GRUNTS.]
That's for taking away my only lesbian friend.
You know how hard it is to find one of those? [GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, freaks.
Mm, I'm starving.
Heather had a lot to drink tonight.
She's not gonna remember any of this, I swear.
What a pedo.
Ugh.
[GIGGLES.]
[GASPS.]
Ah.
I love this bitch.
Aw! [DEBBIE GIBSON'S "LOS IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING.]
I get lost In your eyes And I feel My spirits rise And soar like the wind Is it love that I am in? [COUGHING.]
Help me Can't find my way If salvation seems worlds away Oh, I'll be found When I am lost I'll be found [MOUTHS WORDS.]
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
- [COUGHING.]
- In your eyes You know what? From now on, I'm gonna start hanging out with real people.
No more friends just because they're smart or hot or cool or interesting, no.
I want real people.
Like you guys.
I mean, Heather Duke wouldn't set foot in a corn dump like this, let alone dig a well.
You mean Heath? He has dug a well.
Several wells.
- With me.
- What? In Guatemala at vacation bible camp.
Heather Duke was a Christian? Oh, no, he was just down there shooting a commercial for my church's special camp.
He wanted it for his reel.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
Now I can focus on what really matters.
Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.
Conversion therapy, it just works.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Thank you, Jesus.
Brianna, as my new best friend, I'm gonna need you to text that to me right away.
Come on, let's get you to the sofa, okay? Okay.
[LAUGHING.]
[SOBS.]
Veronica.
I'm, like, sad.
Here, you want some cookies? I miss Heather M.
She was, like, edgy and hot and, like, dumb.
Yeah, I know, I miss her too.
But I think we would've made her really proud tonight.
Mm.
To Heather.
Okay, to Heather.
Let me tell you a secret.
Okay.
Heather Chandler is a bitch.
Okay, let's just get you home, okay? I hate her.
Tell me you hate her.
No, I don't hate Heather.
Why? We have to hate the same people.
That's what friends do! Heather Mm [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Heather.
[SIGHS.]
"Dear cruel world, I could no longer live with myself.
" BOTH: "I was imprisoned " "By my improper love for teenage girls.
" "But that's not the only reason I must end it all.
"I can no longer live with the guilt "of murdering that poor little girl eight years ago.
"My only solace is in the knowledge that tonight, "the parents of young, little Lucy will finally rest well "knowing The Croquet Killer no longer haunts this mortal coil.
" Beautiful.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
You ready to go? Mm-hmm.
[CHEERING.]
Mm, I need coconut water.
You're gonna make such a good mommy.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Good night.
[SIGHS.]
Night, Heather.
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Now I can focus on what really matters.
Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.
Conversion therapy, it just works.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
- - [SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
[GASPS.]
Now I remember what I forgot to do.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
- [PHONE WHOOPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CELL PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, I see.
Bride of Chucky wants to play games, huh? [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
How'd that Ursula-looking pork bun get this? - for the poor in Guatemala.
- [GASPS.]
Conversion therapy, it just works.
[GASPS.]
No And the best part about it was he deserved it.
Sherwood is safer now.
Because of us.
- Okay, JD.
- Babe, don't you see? The world has failed.
Assholes, bullies, pedophiles Society failed to get rid of them.
But we you and I are succeeding in taking out the trash the garbage trucks won't pick up.
Can't we just have one night where where there's no "society," no "weight of the world"? Just you and me.
Hmm.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just feeling a little superior tonight.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
No more.
Okay? We're done with all that for good now.
Of course.
Okay.
- I gotta go study for my chem exam.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Good luck on your exam.
[SMOOTH ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Chemistry is my favorite subject.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Today we will finally learn the true identity of The Croquet Killer.
Hold on.
Hmm? What? Son of a I can't Well, y'all, it's just as I suspected.
There has been an astonishing turn of events.
I'll tell you Bill, can we pull up a picture of this human excrement? This man left a suicide note confessing that he murdered this little girl and begging her parents for forgiveness.
Well, it's a little late for that, creep! Luckily, the residents of Sherwood, Ohio, can sleep tonight knowing we have finally caught the Croquet Killer.
I'm Lexi Anne.
More on this startling revelation in a moment.
Let's wrap it up, boys.
Put her back.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Veronica.
- Pâté? - Honey.
Veronica is a vegetarian.
Mmm, that's great pâté, Dad, but I gotta motor or I'm gonna be late for homeroom.
Bye.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Oh.
["IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT" PLAYING.]
[VOLUME RISES.]
It only Takes a moment To be loved A whole - Life long - [INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you, oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
Oh!
"Dear diary, "I was never that girl who was into fairy tales.
"I always thought Snow White was boring.
"Rapunzel was kind of a slut.
"And Cinderella was certifiably insane.
"I know I've technically been complicit in a few murders, "but at least I don't talk to rats.
"But now I know "the real reason I never liked fairy tales "is because they always end in the wrong place.
"Who cares about the dress and the slipper and the ball "and the talking animals? "I wanna see after 'happily ever after.
' "I wanna see Cinderella and the Prince fight.
"I wanna see them tear each other apart "and put each other back together again.
"Then, and only then, "will it truly be a fairy tale.
It only Takes a moment To be loved A whole life long And we'll recall When time runs out That it only Took a moment To be loved A whole life Long [INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you Oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang Oh! [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
- - [FINGER SNAP ECHOES.]
[CHORAL HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
She ruined the play.
I heard it was terrible, terrible.
- She threw up all over Amita.
- Oh, my God.
Everybody's talking about it.
[ECHOING LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Hello, Heather.
We've been waiting for you.
Heathers? This is Heather.
- Hi, Heather.
- Hi, Heather.
Hi, Heather.
Now, Heather, you had something to share.
Well I feel betrayed.
My protégé, who I literally made, stole my spotlight.
- It's not your fault.
- Trust no bitch.
- I know.
- Thank you, Heather.
Who's next? Well, I'm here because I'm having some issues with my career.
My brand got trashed.
And then I had this starring vehicle, and that fell apart because of witchcraft.
So it's like, what's my thing? You know? Just let it out.
You'll get through this, girl.
You always do.
Thank you, Heather.
Who's next? Okay, fine, I'll go.
I'm here because I hate my friends.
One best friend tried to kill me.
Then my other best friend killed herself without even running it by me.
And my third best friend ruined my reputation and fat-shamed me.
I mean, what is wrong with everyone? And do you have something to share, Heather? Well [SIGHS.]
I am amazing.
I'm perfect.
I have it all.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
And yet, my oldest friend, Heather Duke, basically Basically made fun of me.
- [GASPS.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
So I guess that's why I'm here.
I mean, what have I ever done wrong? So do we all see a pattern here? There's a common thread in all of these stories.
Jealous bitches? Ignorant plebes? Broke-down, stank-ass queefs? No, Heathers.
The problem is you.
- [GASPS.]
What? - Me? - Are you kidding me? - How is that even possible? How could I be the problem, troll witch? What are you saying? I'm saying, maybe it's time you faced it.
We Heather Chandlers are having all of these problems not because of other people, but because we are not a good person.
[SNICKERS.]
Not a good per This bitch.
I swear to God.
- Look at me, I am a victim.
- Are you joking? You do not know who you're fucking with.
It's true, I've been there.
I was where you all are now, but I changed.
And I know there is a way out.
The road to being a good person is long.
But the first step starts with making amends.
- Apologize? - To who? To everyone you've ever hurt.
But that could take years.
I'm sorry, but it's the only way.
The first step starts with saying [WHIMSICAL MUSICAL FLOURISH.]
"I'm sorry.
" [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Don't you think Heather M would be proud - of how far we've come? - Heather Chandler's a total pariah.
I'm the most popular kid in school.
And you finally learned how to apply foundation.
Thanks, Heather.
Okay.
Fine, a And you and JD are still going strong.
I wonder what I'll wear to your wedding.
Something tasteful but that still makes me the center of attention? Yeah.
Well, if I ever get married, just promise me you'll wear all black, 'cause that'll be my death.
Mm, just, like JD and I are too in love to do something as lame as marriage.
That's for normal people.
And well, JD and I aren't normal.
He understands me.
I mean, it took a little work, but now we're finally on the same page.
More than I ever thought possible.
Veronica, I was hoping all the sex you're having would finally deep-dick the quote of the day out of you, but I guess not? Even the famous Heather Duke wit can't bring me down.
[CHUCKLES.]
You wanna ditch gym and go get slushies? Only if you'll come out with me tonight to celebrate Heather M's birthday.
Oh, do you wanna go to Gondalo's? Heather loved that place.
Gondalo's? Heather M wouldn't want us to celebrate her birthday over chips and upchuck con queso.
We're seniors.
She'd want us to spend her special night doing something she truly loved.
Going to a bar and getting older men to buy us drinks.
[CALM ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
I'm sorry I called you a moldy, potato bug orgy.
I'm sorry I told you you were adopted before your parents had the chance.
I'm sorry I told you you couldn't pull off French braids.
No one can.
but I shouldn't have singled you out.
I'm sorry I made you change your name to Maurice.
It's okay, it suits me.
I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry I told everyone you slept with those two hatchet-faced bitches who work at the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry I got your mom fired from the pretzel stand at the mall.
I'm sorry.
[SNICKERS.]
Why are you doing this? Because I'm trying to be a better person.
- [GASPS.]
- You are sick.
What kind of wicked game are you playing, Heather? Heather, just hear me out.
Heather, I'm sorry for pantsing you at the Sizzler in fifth grade.
I'm sorry I sold your underwear to the Japanese.
And I'm sorry I told everyone I have a bigger dick than you.
That's only true metaphorically.
I'm sorry I created an online account in the voice of your weird mole thing.
And I'm sorry it has 43,000 followers.
And I'm sorry I gave an interview to "Slate" about it.
So that's it? You're sorry.
Yes.
You, Heather Chandler, are suddenly a better person? I'm trying to be, yes.
What day is it? - Friday? - Mm, and? [SCOFFS.]
It's Heather M's birthday.
Oh.
Oh, should we go to that toilet water Mexican place she loved, like old times? You didn't even remember Heather M's first birthday after her suicide.
All these other twist ties, they may have fallen for your little apology tour.
But you haven't changed.
Heather M died, and you don't even have the decency to wear black.
So go have fun at Gondalo's alone, Heather.
I hope Heather M is looking down at you from heaven, judging the shit out of your hairline.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Brianna.
If you're gonna hit me, please do it below my waist where I can't feel anymore.
I'm sorry I yelled at you for trying to kill yourself.
And I'm sorry for yelling at you for being nice to me after the show.
And I'm sorry for nicknaming you Trailer Parker, which, while hilarious, was not very nice.
It's okay, Heather.
- Really? - Yes.
Forgiveness is one of my favorite things.
It gives me this warm feeling inside.
Jesus died so that we could forgive Organized religion is a disease.
I mean, thank you for accepting my apology.
["AMAZING GRACE" PLAYING.]
Did you know Heather McNamara? Today was her birthday.
Of course I remember her.
She would bully me several times a day.
Oh, right.
And I always appreciated how funny she was when she would humiliate me.
I mean, sometimes, you get bullied, and it's just plain mean.
But she would always add something clever to the mix.
So I'm thankful for that.
Would you like to come with me to her fave Mexican restaurant tonight? I wanna honor her.
A sit-down food store? Oh, yes! [GUFFAWS.]
- Great.
- [LAUGHS.]
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me So this is Gondalo's.
It's a dump, but they serve booze to minors, so Heather loved it.
[CHUCKLES.]
I feel like I'm in Spain already.
I'm just gonna operate under the assumption that you don't understand doing things ironically, so just order the quesadilla, and, I don't know, like it, I guess? Heather M would always eat five bites of one on her birthday.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
You know, I think I can make your hair work.
We'll have to shave it off and then burn it, of course.
- But - Heather? [LOUNGE MUSIC.]
Let's do a shot in honor of Heather M's birthday.
[CHUCKLES.]
Two banana Schnapps.
And yes, we're over 21.
And thank you, we know we don't look it.
[SIGHS.]
Feels like just yesterday I was yelling at Heather for being a slut.
I miss her.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
To Heather.
To Heather.
Ugh.
- Ugh.
- [COUGHS.]
Which one of these assholes do you think Heather would've been into? The poorest one with the least amount of prospects? [GASPS.]
Oh, mon Dieu.
Look who's over there with that bootleg Heather McNamara-looking thing.
Mr.
Waters? What a piece of shit.
Ugh, poor girl.
She needs a mani, not a pedo.
Didn't he learn his lesson the first time? [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
If I actually cared about other human beings, I would take him out back and make sure he's never a menace to the girls of Westerburg again.
I love that.
Everyone in that room killed Heather.
Heather McNamara and Mr.
Waters to the office.
I was thinking if there was more I could've done [SPEECH ECHOING.]
[TRADITIONAL MEXICAN MUSIC.]
What is happening? Why are you touching me? Oh, um, so sorry, um, reflex.
I was gonna say grace.
Do you mind? Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Dear Jesus, I know you don't have much time to think about me anymore and, despite my love for you, have seen fit to take the use of my legs, but you have mercifully left me with a working tongue, which I intend to use to enjoy this delicious meal.
Thank you, Lord.
Amen.
My prayer came true! [LAUGHS.]
We'll take this whole column.
Thank you.
No, I'm fine with the chips and the tomato water.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're afraid of ethnic food.
It's okay, it's just the same four ingredients - in different combinations.
- Mm, it's not that.
I had this kind of food in Guatemala.
Wai - You've been to Guatemala? - Mm-hmm.
As a kid.
You know, missionary work.
Digging wells, giving out medicine.
Oh, I didn't realize that poor people could also do charity.
Of course, silly.
There's always people you can help.
And these people are truly poor.
Poorer than you? [SNICKERS.]
And you still believe in God? Wow.
I mean Sorry.
That's great that you help people.
Um, Heather, can I get something off my chest? - Um - You know, even though my cable is scrambled, I have seen several segments of the movie "Carrie.
" And so I think I have an idea of where this night is going.
I just ask, if you're gonna dump some manner of pig blood on me, please do it after we eat.
What? You think I'm gonna "Carrie" you? Wh-wh-why would you think that? I just assumed since I'm a fucking good person, you bitch.
Oh.
Here.
Let me prove it to you, hmm? I'll let you take a selfie with me.
Give me your phone.
[GIGGLES.]
Get on in here.
Okay, here we go.
- Cheese.
- [CELL PHONE SNAPS.]
- I think I got it.
- Eek! [GIGGLES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Could you post it? I'm out of minutes.
I'm sorry, I literally don't understand what you're saying.
Becca, love is just an idea.
A theory.
An antiquated one at that.
You know what love is? Ownership.
I know you don't want that, right? Give me your car keys.
I'll claw his eyes out.
Love is a concept developed by the visually privileged that seeks to control others.
- You're too beautiful to be controlled.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I think I should go, I - No, no, come on.
Just one more drink.
Two whiskies.
It's just that I don't really feel comfortable - in places like this.
- Huh.
I guess I thought you were a good person, Rebecca.
But maybe I was wrong.
I mean, you said you'd have a few drinks with me, but I guess you lied.
It's fine, it's okay.
You can go.
I just didn't really peg you as a liar, that's all.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, I-I Sure.
I guess I could have another.
- Oh, great.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Your makeup's messed up.
Go fix yourself.
Bye.
But babe, if I objectify you, that's a compliment.
[WHISPERING.]
It's Kurt.
Because I love beautiful objects! Well, what if I died tomorrow, hmm? Then you'd feel bad.
Of course you would.
Besides, I miss your cute little mouth.
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I'll be right back.
Hey, you don't know me, but that guy you're with is a really bad dude.
Oh, he's harmless.
No, look, I know that you think that, but please believe me when I tell you that you're wrong.
You are in danger.
You just need to go straight out that back door and go home.
He means well.
I saw him put something in your drink.
- What? - Yes.
- Just now.
- Shouldn't we call the police? Yeah, in Sherwood? They're just gonna find some way to blame you.
Well, I wouldn't want him to hurt some other girl.
Don't worry.
It won't happen again.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I promise.
[PHONE DINGS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
What a bitch.
And I put sunscreen on all over my body every day.
Can I have some of this? And then, I would've mmm I can give you, like, a whole Heather, we're going.
But I'm talking to Barbara.
Mm.
She's a poet.
Good luck.
[ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC.]
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
You know what I love about you, Veronica? You don't give a shit what anybody thinks.
You will boldly walk around school with those split ends, and you don't care.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, you should get a platinum bob.
I want that to be your hair journey.
Where are we going? I-I want a grilled cheese.
Why are we stopping? Just stay here, okay? There's something I have to take care of.
Huh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Today marks the anniversary of the day that this leafy suburb was rocked by the murder of a little girl.
A murderer dubbed "The Croquet Killer.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Why have the Sherwood, Ohio, police let this case go unsolved for so long? Well, you know what? If the local police won't do their job and find this monster who's killing our children then I will.
- [OMINOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
- That's right, Sherwood.
You can sleep tonight, because someone is finally doing right by little Lucy.
We are digging up that little girl's dead body.
We're digging it right up, fresh out of the ground.
And trust and believe, when we test that DNA, we will find the sick and twisted individual who did this and bring them to justice.
Shit.
Greetings and salutations, my dear.
I thought tonight was your girl's night out.
Change of plans.
What'd you have in mind? We're young, we're free.
Let's make out, get slushies, and avenge Heather M's suicide.
[DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
I know Maui is pretty developed, but it's the only place with half decent sashimi.
I hope I get to see the ocean before I die.
[TRADITIONAL MEXICAN MUSIC.]
Okay, time to run.
I'll meet you in the parking lot.
- It's fine - You go that way.
- I'll wheel through the kitchen.
- Trailer.
I-I mean, Brianna.
I'll pay.
- Wow.
- It's my dad's card.
He wouldn't send me to Tokyo this year, so he can choke on my charges.
Thank you.
Other than the state of Ohio, no one's ever purchased a meal for me before.
Really? Maybe I am a good person.
Of course you're a good person.
You're confident.
You're direct.
You don't care what anyone thinks.
And anything you put your mind to, you achieve it.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
You would be surprised how many people disagree with you.
Honestly they're jealous.
Heather, the reason why you think you're so much better than everyone else is because you are.
Brianna you are my Guatemalan well.
Do you drink? - I don't know if the Lord - Allows it? [SNICKERS.]
Uh, yes.
Jesus bought wine for the bible people, right? - I guess so.
- Great.
Then we're getting margaritas.
Cadillacs.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
["HAIL BRITANNIA" PLAYING.]
[CHEERING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Cheerio, asshole.
[SNORING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Whatever it is you're thinking of doing, it's not too late to stop.
What am I thinking of doing, Mr.
Waters? Mr.
Waters? You're a student.
So you're young with a bright future.
Look, whatever your feelings are about me right now, don't throw away your life on this.
Hmm, maybe you should've given that speech to Heather McNamara.
Heather I loved Heather.
Heather was your student, so love should have nothing to do with it.
Heather wouldn't have wanted you to do this.
She loved me too.
Speaking of love, maybe a knife through the heart is how you're gonna decide to kill yourself.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't have to do this.
Heather was one of the only good people in this town, and now she's gone.
And I blame you.
[WHIMPERING.]
Babe, you wanna do the honors? No, no, babe.
This is your thing.
You should do it.
No, no, you should get to do it.
I insist.
- You're so good to me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I just, uh - I'm really proud of you.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [DUCT TAPE TEARING.]
- [SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Shit.
You're both going to jail, you sick fucks.
Veronica, I need a grilled cheese [GASPS.]
You're that low-grade skeeve! [MR.
WATERS GRUNTS.]
That's for taking away my only lesbian friend.
You know how hard it is to find one of those? [GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, freaks.
Mm, I'm starving.
Heather had a lot to drink tonight.
She's not gonna remember any of this, I swear.
What a pedo.
Ugh.
[GIGGLES.]
[GASPS.]
Ah.
I love this bitch.
Aw! [DEBBIE GIBSON'S "LOS IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING.]
I get lost In your eyes And I feel My spirits rise And soar like the wind Is it love that I am in? [COUGHING.]
Help me Can't find my way If salvation seems worlds away Oh, I'll be found When I am lost I'll be found [MOUTHS WORDS.]
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
- [COUGHING.]
- In your eyes You know what? From now on, I'm gonna start hanging out with real people.
No more friends just because they're smart or hot or cool or interesting, no.
I want real people.
Like you guys.
I mean, Heather Duke wouldn't set foot in a corn dump like this, let alone dig a well.
You mean Heath? He has dug a well.
Several wells.
- With me.
- What? In Guatemala at vacation bible camp.
Heather Duke was a Christian? Oh, no, he was just down there shooting a commercial for my church's special camp.
He wanted it for his reel.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
Now I can focus on what really matters.
Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.
Conversion therapy, it just works.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Thank you, Jesus.
Brianna, as my new best friend, I'm gonna need you to text that to me right away.
Come on, let's get you to the sofa, okay? Okay.
[LAUGHING.]
[SOBS.]
Veronica.
I'm, like, sad.
Here, you want some cookies? I miss Heather M.
She was, like, edgy and hot and, like, dumb.
Yeah, I know, I miss her too.
But I think we would've made her really proud tonight.
Mm.
To Heather.
Okay, to Heather.
Let me tell you a secret.
Okay.
Heather Chandler is a bitch.
Okay, let's just get you home, okay? I hate her.
Tell me you hate her.
No, I don't hate Heather.
Why? We have to hate the same people.
That's what friends do! Heather Mm [TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Heather.
[SIGHS.]
"Dear cruel world, I could no longer live with myself.
" BOTH: "I was imprisoned " "By my improper love for teenage girls.
" "But that's not the only reason I must end it all.
"I can no longer live with the guilt "of murdering that poor little girl eight years ago.
"My only solace is in the knowledge that tonight, "the parents of young, little Lucy will finally rest well "knowing The Croquet Killer no longer haunts this mortal coil.
" Beautiful.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
You ready to go? Mm-hmm.
[CHEERING.]
Mm, I need coconut water.
You're gonna make such a good mommy.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Good night.
[SIGHS.]
Night, Heather.
[TENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Now I can focus on what really matters.
Like digging wells for the poor in Guatemala.
Conversion therapy, it just works.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
- - [SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
[GASPS.]
Now I remember what I forgot to do.
[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS.]
- [PHONE WHOOPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CELL PHONE DINGS.]
Oh, I see.
Bride of Chucky wants to play games, huh? [CELL PHONE DINGS.]
Conversion therapy saved my marriage.
How'd that Ursula-looking pork bun get this? - for the poor in Guatemala.
- [GASPS.]
Conversion therapy, it just works.
[GASPS.]
No And the best part about it was he deserved it.
Sherwood is safer now.
Because of us.
- Okay, JD.
- Babe, don't you see? The world has failed.
Assholes, bullies, pedophiles Society failed to get rid of them.
But we you and I are succeeding in taking out the trash the garbage trucks won't pick up.
Can't we just have one night where where there's no "society," no "weight of the world"? Just you and me.
Hmm.
I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just feeling a little superior tonight.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
No more.
Okay? We're done with all that for good now.
Of course.
Okay.
- I gotta go study for my chem exam.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Good luck on your exam.
[SMOOTH ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
Chemistry is my favorite subject.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Today we will finally learn the true identity of The Croquet Killer.
Hold on.
Hmm? What? Son of a I can't Well, y'all, it's just as I suspected.
There has been an astonishing turn of events.
I'll tell you Bill, can we pull up a picture of this human excrement? This man left a suicide note confessing that he murdered this little girl and begging her parents for forgiveness.
Well, it's a little late for that, creep! Luckily, the residents of Sherwood, Ohio, can sleep tonight knowing we have finally caught the Croquet Killer.
I'm Lexi Anne.
More on this startling revelation in a moment.
Let's wrap it up, boys.
Put her back.
[SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Veronica.
- Pâté? - Honey.
Veronica is a vegetarian.
Mmm, that's great pâté, Dad, but I gotta motor or I'm gonna be late for homeroom.
Bye.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Oh.
["IT ONLY TAKES A MOMENT" PLAYING.]
[VOLUME RISES.]
It only Takes a moment To be loved A whole - Life long - [INTENSE POP MUSIC.]
Comin' for you, oh! Comin' for you Bang, bang [WOMAN VOCALIZING.]
Oh!