Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e07 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold,
check it out.
They're setting up
for the annual Cheese Fair.
Wow.
Seems like
it was just last year
that we celebrated
the annual festival
of the holy provolone.
Phoebe, what on Earth
are you doing?
According to
festival tradition,
Swiss cheese is a window
to the soul.
If you spin around
three times,
hold your breath,
and look through a hole,
it will guide you
towards your true love.
Ha! Poppycock!
Give me that!
(SIGHING)
(GASPING)
GERALD: Arnold?
Arnold?
Wow, it's her.
Who? Oh, you mean Ruth?
"Ruth," what a perfect name
for such
a divine creature.
Arnold, where are you going?
Are you okay, man?
(GASPING)
HELGA: I know that look!
It's the look of love.
The look
I've been longing for.
He's finally acknowledged
his passion for me.
Huh?
Why that little
yellow haired runt!
I oughta squash him
like a bug!
Of all the idiotic things,
Arnold is in love with Ruth?
Please.
Not that I care,
but what has she got
that I haven't got?
Let me check my list.
"Long slender legs,
a dazzling smile,
"shiny chestnut hair"
Give me that!
So, what?
What kind of guy would fall
for all that baloney anyway?
I just know it, Gerald,
It's
It's fate.
Tonight, at the carnival,
I'll see her,
and she'll see me.
And, in that instant,
she'll realize
that we were meant to be.
Me and Ruth P. McDougal.
Ruth P. McDougal.
I'll fix her wagon.
ARNOLD: Hello, Ruthie.
Nice to meet you, Ruth.
How ya doing, Ruth?
Would you knock that off?
I don't wanna forget
my opening line.
It took me all day
to come up with it.
Gee, it's so long
and complicated.
I can see
why you're concerned.
Why don't you just
play it straight?
Okay.
Hi, Ruth.
Yeah, that's it.
Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth.
(DRONING) Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth.
Stay cool, Arnold.
There she is! (SCREAMS)
There she is.
Commence operation
Ruthless,
in which we will target
and destroy
a certain sixth grade
so and so.
Well, this is gonna be good.
Uh, Helga,
just one question.
What? Are you implying
that I have some
ulterior motive?
That I'm after
this Ruth person
because she happens
to be the object
of some
other kid's affections?
Some certain young man
that I may have
my own obsessive
affection for?
Is that your question?
Is that your question?
No, actually,
I was gonna ask you
which way to the bathroom.
Oh, they're right over there,
next to the weiner stand.
And, Phoebe?
Yes?
This conversation
never happened.
Right.
(BELL RINGING)
(WATER SPLASHING)
GERALD:
Okay, here's the plan.
You give her the cheese kebab,
as a token of your affection.
That'll break the ice.
And then, what do you say?
(DRONING) Hi, Ruth.
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth.
I think you got it,
Arnold!
Now, we've gone over
and over this plan.
It's very complicated.
Now, what's
step number one?
Oh, yeah.
Try and get me, Helga.
Oh, Phoebe! Wait up.
Oops.
Oh, how clumsy of you.
(LAUGHING)
You're a genius, Helga.
Yeah, yeah.
Stop sucking up.
Oh, that was good.
Maybe now, you should try
the direct, direct approach.
Yeah,
I'll just walk up
to her real casual,
and I'll say, uh
Uh! What was it, again?
(SIGHING)
Hi, Ruth.
Oh, yeah. Good, good.
(DRONING)
Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth
He's a sick boy.
Wait here!
Ew.
Oh.
Huh.
Oh, hi, Ruth.
My name is Arnold
Huh?
Hey! Watch where
you're going,
you little
yellow-haired shrimp.
And, who's Ruth, anyway?
(LAUGHING)
What a dumb name.
(SARDONICALLY) Ruth. Ruth.
Hello, my name is Ruth. Doik!
He touched me.
(EXCLAIMING ADORINGLY)
(WHEEZING)
(WHEEZING)
Hey, man, don't get in
car number four.
The accelerator sticks.
Car number four, eh?
Hmm, this ought to be good.
Car number two,
car number three,
car number four.
Perfect.
Here you are, ma'am.
Sucker.
Punch it, Phoebe!
(SCREECHING)
HELGA: That's it!
Faster. Faster!
Pedal to the metal!
(CHUCKLES)
Hey!
She stopped.
That's not car number four,
it's car number three.
Then, who's in
car number four?
Say, "Good night," Phoebe.
(CROWD SCREAMING)
Step right up,
meet your match.
It's mystery match night
at the tunnel of love.
Men in one line,
ladies in the other.
Sure, it's risky.
Hey, so is love.
Hey, Gerald, what if
I don't get
matched up with Ruth?
Don't worry.
We counted it perfectly.
She's number eight,
and you're number eight.
Nothing can go wrong.
Make way!
Shove over, sister!
This is perfect!
A little maneuvering,
and I'll be riding the swan
with Arnold,
while Ruth winds up
with some dumb slob.
(LAUGHS)
Helga, you're a genius.
Shove over, sister!
I don't wanna go
in the tunnel of love
with you, Rhonda.
Oh, you know
you like me, Harold.
I do not.
Help! Let me go!
Let me go!
HELGA: Move it!
Out of my way!
Make way!
Cuts!
(GULPS) Whoa!
Uh, excuse me,
sorry.
(GIGGLES)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
PHOEBE: So, anyway,
that's when we hit
the weiner stand.
GERALD:
Wow. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay now.
SID: So, uh, nice night, huh?
GRANDMA: Faster! Faster!
Tunnel of love! Phooey!
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
This is the worst day
of my life!
(WHEEZING)
(GLASS BREAKING)
Well, I did it.
Operation Ruthless
was a total success.
Man, Arnold, I'm sorry.
After all that,
Ruth still doesn't
even know you exist.
Yeah, but you know
something, Gerald?
The challenge just
makes me like her
even more.
(HONKING)
Car!
Not again!
At this rate,
we'll never
finish the game.
GERALD: Car!
(CAR HONKS)
It's taken us two days
to play one inning.
GERALD: Car!
(CAR HONKS)
(ALL MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Come on,
we got a red light,
Let's get this show
on the road.
Hey, wait, that's our ball.
That's it, I'm out of here.
Let me know when pigs fly,
so we can finish this game
GERALD:
Man, this truly stinks.
Yeah,
but can we do?
The older kids hog the park
and the playground
is closed after school.
If we had our own field,
we could play
where we wanted,
when we wanted.
Our own field.
That would
be perfect.
We can call it
"Gerald Field."
Yeah, that's what
we'll call it,
"Gerald Field."
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I like that name,
"Gerald Field."
GERALD: Just say it.
BOTH: Gerald Field.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah, but who
are we kidding?
Yeah.
We'll never find
a place of our own.
Whoa
Hey, man, why'd you stop?
The lot,
don't you see?
So?
I think I found
our baseball field.
You're a bold kid,
Arnold.
A bold kid.
Okay, you guys start
clearing the weeds over there,
and I'll start here,
and we'll meet in the middle.
This better be worth it,
football head.
I was watching
Court TV.
I christen this lot,
"Gerald Field."
Let's play ball!
I got it.
(ALL CHEERING)
You're out!
(LAUGHS)
Strike one!
Strike two!
Strike three!
You're out!
You swing too hard, man.
Good idea, Arnold.
KID: Yeah, that was
a blast.
Just think, this morning
it was full of trash.
ARNOLD: And now,
it's a baseball field.
BOTH: Our baseball field.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
You know, I never noticed
this before,
but there's a lot of space
down here.
Where is our baseball field?
Isn't it wonderful, Arnie?
I've always wanted
a bocce ball court.
You like horseshoes,
Arnold?
There's nothing like
a good game of horseshoes
to relax the old
chopping arm.
But, our field!
How can we play baseball
with all this stuff
in the way?
Hey, there's chickens
in the outfield.
Forget the chickens,
there are checkers
on the pitcher's mound.
Ha! King me.
Now what, football head?
Well, maybe we could
try playing, anyway.
Strike one!
Strike?
How could you tell?
I couldn't even
see the pitch.
Hey! Not so close
to the tomatoes,
Nancy Jane.
Hey, I gotta keep
one foot on the base.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Good chicken. Nice chicken.
I like fried chicken.
(SCREAMING) Get off me!
No! Stop pecking. No! Help!
I got it! I got it!
My flowers!
Arnold! This is no place
for a baseball game!
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
We cleared the junk,
we pulled out the weeds,
our hands These hands
Look at these hands!
Uh-huh.
They claimed that lot.
It's not fair.
Yeah, look at us.
We're squeezing in
like a bunch of sardines.
(SIGHING)
This is the life.
And grown-ups are always
telling us what to do.
Yeah.
"Brush your teeth."
"Comb your hair."
"Can't play baseball here."
Rules, rules, rules.
They've got rules
for everything.
Hey, lady!
You can't play
your croquet here.
This area
for the potted plant.
It's a potting area.
But, this is where
the croquet field is going.
You're both wrong!
This is where
the checkers table is going.
This area
for potted plants.
Checkers table is going here.
This is where
the croquet field is going.
"Be quiet."
"Sit down."
"Don't run in the house."
Yeah, always saying,
"Why don't you kids
play nice?"
Out! Out! Out!
What do you think
you're doing?
I am planting
my philodendrons.
You can't do that.
This is the spot
for my sweat tan!
Ha! You're gonna need
a bigger spot than this
if you're gonna tan.
Hey!
Your chickens pecked
every one of my tomatoes!
You see, man, my chickens need
some room to roam around.
You understand?
Don't fence them in, man.
Oh, I won't fence them.
I'll fry them!
Hey, leave my chickens alone.
ALL: Run!
See? This wouldn't
have happened
if we still had
our baseball field.
(SCOFFING)
Welcome to reality, bucko.
That's what happens
when grown-ups
rule the world.
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Whoa, I never knew
Mrs. Vitello had
such a good right hook.
Or that Mr. Green had
such a glass jaw.
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
GRANDPA: The heck!
MRS. VITELLO: Hey, I want
an explanation for this.
Hey, Arnold, what are you,
some kind of litter bug?
All of you, keep it down!
Now, if Arnold
and his friends
had to do this,
they must have had
a good reason.
(SOFTLY)
Head for the hills, boy,
I'll try to slow them down.
It's okay, Grandpa.
I know what we've done.
You see, this is
how the lot was
before we cleaned it up,
before we turned it
into Gerald Field,
and before you guys
kicked us out.
So, if you want Gerald Field
so badly, you can have it
just the way we found it.
A dump!
(GRUNTING)
I feel like a real heel.
Well, hey, man,
you know what I mean,
we did steal their lot.
I wish there was
something
we could do.
Pull on your rubber boots,
boys and girls,
it's gonna be a long night.
What happened to the lot?
Grandma? Grandpa?
I don't get it. What happened?
Well, boy,
you sure showed us
what's what.
We've got to
fess up to the facts
that you kids were right
and we were wrong.
In honor of your
new baseball field,
I'd like to present you
with a couple of brand-new,
major league baseballs.
And, eight pounds
of grade A oxtail stump.
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow, thanks Mr. Green.
Thanks everybody.
Well, there's only
one thing to do
at a time like this.
Play ball!
Play ball!
ALL: Play ball!
Everybody, let's play ball!
Play ball! Play ball!
Play ball! Play ball!
Play ball! Play ball!
Play ball! Play ball!
Play ball! Play ball!
GRANDPA:
Will you be quiet?
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)