History of the World: Part II (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
"The Oslo Peace Accords."
This is really historic.
We have agreed in principle
to a real and everlasting peace accord
between Israel and Palestine.
Now, if I could just get
some general agreement noises
from the room. Like, just a sort of
Good, good, and perfect!
Good, thank you. That was just right.
Okay, now I'm gonna get this
ready for the signings, ja?
There's just one more thing concerning
who gets to claim the
homeland of hummus,
but we can iron that afterward. Ja.
This is not a small thing.
We must settle on who
created hummus before we sign,
or we can never have true peace.
- Of course.
- This is very simple, really,
when you think about it because
Israel, you know, created hummus.
I didn't realize I was watching
Family Matters right now.
What are you talking about?
Oh, because you're like Steve Urkel,
in that you are making me laugh.
"Did I do that?" No.
My Palestinian ancestors did that!
What do you think the Jews
were eating in the desert
for 40 years, Amir? Wet sand?
That's exactly how you
describe Israeli hummus.
- Fuck you, man.
- Oh, fuck you.
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo!
Guys, guys, guys, come on now.
We agreed the only F word we're
gonna use in this room is friendship.
Go friendship yourself.
Excuse me, but, uh, make no mistake.
Egypt created hummus.
Yes, of course! You know what
I have heard enough, okay?
Because it is
Greece who has invented hummus!
It's as Greek as naked wrestling.
And may I just say, Christos,
that the only thing the Greeks invented
was being a shitty little asshole.
Oh, snap.
Everybody knows that Turkey
is the home of hummus.
Turkey is the home of hummus?
- That's right.
- Okay. This is rich, okay?
Because your country is called Turkey,
but you make absolutely
no claim to that food.
- Don't want. Don't want it.
- Okay.
What you should be called instead
is Bullshit.
Because that is all you make.
Please, please, no, no, no. You guys
And I think your
country is called Greece
because your food is so greasy.
Oh no! Spanakopita is oily, okay?
It's not greasy.
Hey, hey! Why don't we sit down, right?
Why are we standing? There's
no need to stand! Guys, guys,
I don't even know why we're
discussing this, to be honest.
I put it in there as a joke.
It was just like a little
funny thing before lunch.
- Lunch!
- Ah, yes! Yes.
We are going to sign whatever
the hell you want us to sign,
and we're going to
get the F out of here.
Oh, yes! Wonderful. Yes, let's
sign it, please! Oh God
We'll just go to my
place, the Israeli embassy.
- We'll have lunch.
- Greek embassy lunch is on me!
The Turkish embassy is open.
Well, we can also just eat here,
- at the Norwegian embassy.
- Fuck you.
Well, okay. More sheep's
head for me then, right?
History of The World, Part II!
From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
She's Shirley ♪
It's been a long hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪
'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Shirley! is filmed in front
of a live Black audience.
Yeah ♪
Wow! This place is so futuristic!
Well, that's 'cause,
for our anniversary,
I wanted to take you out of this world.
I'm talkin' hotel sex.
I promise, no work this weekend.
No campaigning,
no speeches, no candidate.
- I am just your wife.
- Right.
What about that jacket?
It's the only one I have with pockets.
- Welcome to the Watergate Hotel.
- Yes, uh,
reservation's under Chisholm.
I booked a room with
a heart-shaped bathtub
and a fireplace that roars.
Yes, it's in the notes.
We don't have that.
What? Come on, now!
- I made this reservation weeks ago!
- Gloria?
The most famous feminist in the world?
Gloria!
Shirley Chisholm? Are you
here for our conference?
Am I?
Does a woman only make 56 cents
for every dollar a man makes?
Shirley!
Of course, I'm here for
your conference! Yeah!
Well, it's so great that you're here,
and I will see you in Ballroom One.
- Absolutely! I'll see you inside.
- Okay.
Twin beds? Come on,
now, that's not cool.
Shirley Chisholm.
Reverend Jesse Jackson?
Shirley, now, you are a
sister that is no-nonsense.
I can only assume you are
here for our conference.
Jesse, I am here,
and I got your back.
I came for your conference.
Yes, it is Black.
I cannot wait
to share my ideas that are new.
I look forward to seeing
you in Ballroom Number Two.
Thank you.
Shirley, baby, look, I'm gettin'
a bad vibe about this place.
- Let's just go home.
- No, we can't! We just started the farce!
- The farce?
- Uh, I mean,
th-th-the force.
The force of our love and romance.
- Just get the key!
- Okay.
Okay, all right. I'll take
the key, I'll take the key.
Coming up on the next
episode of Shirley!
Flo, the feminists and the Black
Caucus are here at the Watergate.
I wanna get them both to endorse me.
I need you to bring me
two different outfits.
While I'm downstairs,
I need you to stay here
and keep Conrad in the bathtub.
Shirley, should I put on
one of those mud masks?
It's all in the mole.
That sounds good, baby!
I got this, girl.
"Typhoid Mary"
Don't breathe on me, please.
Hey! It's me, Mary,
or as I'm known in some
circles, Typhoid Mary.
And welcome to my cooking
channel, "Eat, Drink and be Mary."
Just to catch you up, I have
been accused of giving typhoid,
a highly contagious and fatal
disease spread through food,
to hundreds of people
that I've cooked for,
which, you know, while it's ridiculous,
I do appreciate the
opportunity to create a brand.
Now, today we are going to be
making corned beef and cabbage,
a classic Irish dish.
As traditional to Ireland
as alcoholism and shame.
So, before we get going
Uh-oh! I got something cookin'.
And no, it's not in the
oven. It's in my pants.
I gotta go have a shit.
Don't you go anywhere. Love you!
And now, back to "The
Last Supper Sessions."
Frogs and locusts!
Frogs and locusts, so in love ♪
I think the whole thing
would work better lower.
Too high for me, mate.
How come Jesus isn't wearing any shoes?
Maybe you should be asking
why you're wearing shoes.
Far out, man.
Ah! This is so frustrating.
- Nothing's working!
- I think,
respectfully, you need to,
uh, pick up your accent, mate.
You're from Nazareth.
Mm, no. I'm from North Carolina.
Nobody told me that when
I signed up for this,
I had to have a Liverpoolian accent!
Are we dropping the accent?!
- Yes! We're dropping the accent!
- No.
- Oh, thank God!
- No. No!
We're committing to the bit!
- We're keeping the accents!
- Lads, lads, lads, listen!
We're just in a bit of a rut.
We need a pick-me-up, that's all. Okay?
Is it possible
to turn this goat milk to rosé?
Mate, no.
Hey, Jesus! Look who I found!
Yes!
It's Lazarus!
- L.L.! Lazarus! Yes!
- Lazzie!
I played with Laz out in
Galilee. He's wild, man. Wild.
Hey now, that show was out of sight!
Oh.
Wow Wow.
Hey, wh-where's Judas?
Well, you know
Judas left the band.
- He did.
- And so, we're missing a whole
dimension of sound, you know? So
We really haven't spoke about it.
Why don't you play
something for us, mate?
- Me?
- Yeah, mate. I mean,
we'd love to have you, mate.
You could give us the extra
dimension we're looking for.
Wow. Uh, yeah, I guess I
could try something, I don't
See what it's all about.
Bring us back from the dead, mate.
- Yes!
- Yes! Wow.
That's good.
Pure butter.
Don't get me down ♪
From the cross, yeah ♪
Don't get me down ♪
I came to die here for your sins ♪
Don't get me down ♪
Hey, Jude.
You know, I want you to know I
had my come-to-Jesus moment, and
Told me to come back to Jesus.
Of course, lad. You're forgiven.
Honk!
Honk if I love Jesus, and I do.
All are friends again. There we go.
All right, so have we decided
where we're gonna play?
Oh
Why don't we just do
it on the bloody roof?
Be great for my hair, wouldn't it?
Your hair would look great.
Your hair would look problematic.
- Yeah.
- All right then.
- All right.
- There's my man Judas.
It's the end of the session!
Oh! That's straight water.
There's no substance to that at
all. It just fell right out of there.
Oh! Woo!
I don't have any toilet paper!
Get this guy right here
Ha, resourceful!
Ow!
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
The white politicians
continue to fuck us,
and that's why we started our
own Black political caucus.
That's "fuck us."
- Jesse!
- Shirley!
What's happenin', Jesse? Gimme five!
Black hand side!
Down low?
You're too slow!
So, as a member of the Black community,
I was hoping that I would get
your support in the election.
Well, maybe you will,
if you give a speech at the podium.
- Pig in a blanket?
- Not for me.
Too much sodium.
How do you do that? Doesn't matter.
Why don't we do it right now?
I'd love to hear you speak,
uh, that would be fun,
but you cannot take the podium
until Mr. Charlie Rangel is done.
- Did you lock up either endorsement?
- Not yet!
I'm telling you, a song
will really win them over.
No, no. No song.
No gimmicks. No catchphrases.
And you can Shirley count on that!
So, how's it going with Conrad?
Shirley, who are you talking to?
Nobody, baby!
You better be getting ready
'cause I am shaving
myself clean in here.
You owe me for this.
Oh, that's good, baby!
I love you silky smooth.
Burn, baby, burn!
Yes, yes, yes!
- Shirley!
- Yeah! So, Gloria,
are you ready to take that
photograph now for the magazine?
You know what, in a few
minutes because right now,
we're burning our bras.
- Oh! Well, uh, d count me in!
- Yes!
- That smells like freedom.
- Yes. Oh!
Um, so how long does this take?
The D cups take about four minutes,
and the B cups about two minutes.
Okay, I would say this
is like a C-average room,
so three minutes, got it! Okay.
Yes, throw them in, women!
Throw them in!
Write this down. "We want James Brown."
I don't wanna push,
I'm not gonna preach,
but I'm going up there
and giving a speech.
I want you up there
for the votes you will
earn, but I'm sorry to say
it is Ron Dellums' turn.
Ron Dellums!
Damn it!
Now, are we making it
a walk, or a march? Oh!
Oh, Shirley. You changed
Yes.
Oh, um
Burning that bra felt so good,
I just burned the rest of my outfit.
Can we please take that picture now?
Yes. Everyone!
Photo with presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm!
Get in here, Bella!
Let's do it. Let's go. Here we go.
Oh, my God!
Fire! Fire!
Everybody get out!
L-let's take the picture first!
Come back! Let's ta Ladies, let
Let's take the picture first! Let's
If we don't take the photo,
the men win!
This is my best bra.
Shirley! will be back
after some commercials
starring OJ Simpson.
"The Mongolian Empire"
Kublai Khan controlled
more land than any person
in the history of the world! Part II.
But, as the saying goes,
"Behind every great
man is 10,000 women."
I'm Chabi.
I'm not a wife of Kublai Khan.
I'm his number-one wife.
I'm Ehri, and in Xanadu,
you Xana
- don't wanna cross me.
My name is Nambui, and
I'm grateful for the Khan.
Now my parents have fresh
meat to eat every day!
I'm Crystal, and these
other concs don't scare me
because I'm from Beverly Hills.
- I'm Kayla.
- And I'm Kaylah.
And we're double the fun
and double the trouble.
And we're the Real Concubines
And we're the Real Concubines
And we're the Real Concubines
And we're the Real
Concubines of Kublai Khan!
Welcome to The Real Concubines
of Kublai Khan Reunion.
I'm your host, Andy Khan.
We have a great show tonight.
Kublai Khan has so many wives,
and we have so little time,
so I wanna jump right into it.
- Chabi!
- Hey, Andy.
Recently, you and Ehri
have had a little drama.
There's no drama, Andy.
My son is 100% heir to the throne.
The Oracle confirmed it.
- Nope.
- And Ehri is just freaked out
because she's insecure about her
relationship with our husband.
Well, you know what they say.
"Oracles are for whore-acles."
You know,
Kublai calls you his
number two for a reason.
You stink like a pile of dung!
You don't know what Koob says
or does to me the two
minutes a week we're together.
Two minutes? Only two
minutes? I get four.
Now, this is not the
first time Chabi and Ehri
have gone at each other. Everyone agrees
the craziest moment of the season
was the Festival of the Blood Moon
Charity Gala. Let's take a look.
How dare you bring your son here.
This is my son Travis's
first Blood Moon Festival.
You know what? It just so
happens that this is also my son,
who's also named Travis's
first Blood Moon Festival,
so you need to back off.
And you get that stinking
finger outta my face.
I swear to God, I don't
know where it's been.
It's stinking 'cause it's been
up our husband's ass [BLEEP],
and maybe if yours had been,
your son would be the actual heir.
Sup, ladies! Daddy's home.
Oh shit
I am the mother of the
spawn of Khan, bitch!
- You look like a fool. You look like a fool
- You look like a fool!
Shut the [BLEEP] up!
Flopsy, Flopsy, stop.
Bitch, I coulda taken you!
I'm sorry you're a virgin!
- I'm a virgin? I have a son!
- Ladies, ladies, sit down.
Everyone stop, everyone stop. Ladies!
That clip did give us
one of the biggest memes of the season.
It's been rewoven over 10 times!
"I want to talk to the manager."
"I am the manager." Amazing.
Nambui, what about you?
Are you Team Chabi or Team Ehri?
You know, I have to say, I liked
it better when we were all a team.
You know, all of us concs have a bond.
Or as I call it, a concu-bond.
You know what?
You are so right.
And I had so lost sight of that.
Me, too! Like
You guys are my
sister-in-laws.
Like, you're actually
You're my sister wives.
Yes!
Crystal, I gotta say, I've
never seen you cry before.
Oh, I'm not crying about them.
I'm crying because the Italian
marble for my Malibu reno,
it's on back order.
Aww.
Well, this one ended
on a really sweet note.
Uh, before we wrap things up,
does anyone have a small
business they wanna promote?
Okay, all of you.
- Uh, Chabi?
- Thank you, Andy.
I'm so excited to announce
that my new hat line,
"Shy By Chabi," is dropping soon.
It's perfect for the
nomadic, but sassy, lifestyle.
That's great. When are they coming out?
September
Sum Er Spring. Spring.
How about you, Ehri?
I'm so thrilled to announce the
drop of my new alcohol brand,
Skinny Khan Margaritas.
Zero sugar, zero drama.
Bitch, you better tell your
hat to shut the [BLEEP] up!
And we're the Real
Concubines of Kublai Khan!
Step three!
I'm going to take my cabbage.
And I never use a knife.
I always use my fingers to tear it up.
If you get any little bits of
cabbage under your fingernails,
oh, don't you worry.
You just pick it out
and throw 'em in the pot.
It all ends up in the same
place anyway. The toilet.
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
I didn't plan any of this,
but when I saw you
two were here tonight,
I had to try to get both
of your endorsements.
Baby girl, we love and support you.
We just can't endorse you.
This is also true for us.
We think you're great,
it's just too much fuss.
It's 1972.
Don't you wanna see a
Black woman as president?
We definitely want a woman.
Just one that can win,
like George McGovern.
And we definitely want a
Black person, can't you see?
But just, maybe a Black man.
Someone like me.
Love you, fro, but we gotta go.
Okay, bye!
Shirley St. Anita Hill Chisholm.
Looks like I figured out
the mystery of the lying wife.
Conrad! In a robe? In a hotel?
With my best friend? How could you?
Oh, stop it. He knows.
I-I'm sorry, Conrad.
I got all caught up in the campaign,
and then, they started burning the bras,
and it set off the fire alarm.
Oh, I-I pulled the fire alarm.
Conrad was about to come out
the bathtub naked. I panicked!
That's only because I bring the heat.
This weekend was supposed to
be all about our anniversary,
and instead, I made it
all about me and my job.
It's okay, honey.
You know what they say.
"Politics makes for strange bedfellows."
Speaking of, why don't we go upstairs
- and turn up your heat?
- Ooh, there we go.
And this is turning my stomach.
Where's that damn window?
I love you, Conrad Chisholm.
Excuse me? Sorry.
I'm looking for the
Democratic National Committee?
Well, you're at the Watergate Hotel.
You want the Watergate Office Building.
It's down the hall, out the
exit, and across the alley.
Thanks. Walk this way, boys.
Did they look suspicious?
No, I'm a private investigator.
There's nothing suspicious about that.
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
And now for the conclusion
of "The Last Supper Sessions."
Let's see what we got here.
So, we're on the roof then?
Hi, Mary!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
You know, the acoustics up
here are actually very lovely.
- La, la, la, la, la.
- No, look, mate, it's "looovley."
"Looooovley."
Let me try that. Ooh,
ooh Fuck yourself.
Oh
All right, lads, are we ready?
Let's do this, baby!
One, two, three, go!
- Oh!
- Oh no! Peter, what the shit?
- Don't touch him!
- Oh! It's not the wiring!
Help him out, lad, he got zapped.
- Help him, Jesus, help him.
- And rise.
- Let's do this, babies!
- Praise Jesus!
Jesus has brought Lazarus
back from the dead!
Lyric boy, where are you?
Coming, coming. MARK: We need
the lyrics to sing the song.
- Here you go.
- Lyric Boy, come on. Okay, ready, boys?
One, two, three!
Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪
Pushing camels
through a needle's eye ♪
Her chance of Heaven was
slim, so she cashed it all in ♪
Now, she got taste for humble pie ♪
I love you, Jesus!
She said give back, give back ♪
Girl, you can't take it with you ♪
Might as well give it back ♪
Give back ♪
Make way, make way. Let's
go. Clear it out. Heads up.
If you wanna get to Heaven ♪
Better give back ♪
It's Jesus and his apostles.
They're ruining the bloody bazaar!
How am I supposed to
sell me dried donkey cock?
Give back, give back,
give something back ♪
Come on, boys. Let's go deal with it.
She said give back ♪
Give back ♪
Can't just be a taker ♪
Gotta give something back now ♪
Give back, come on, give back ♪
If you wanna get to
Heaven, gotta give back ♪
All right, let's go. We're done here.
That's about enough of this.
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, what the
Jesus!
Whoa, whoa! What's all
this? Hey, what is going on?
Huh. Judas never showed up. Weird.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Feel like a bit of a
traitor to be honest.
You know who's a traitor
is fuckin' Tom Brady.
And Johnny Damon. And Babe Ruth.
All fuckin' traitors, all fake.
Like this fuckin' set. Look at this!
Supposed to be a street.
It's a fuckin' carpet!
Man, I really, I don't
know how you got on set,
but I'm just trying to
We're just trying to do our job.
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining
your little student film
here? Is that what's happening?
No, this is History of the
World, Part II for Hulu.
- Mel Brooks? You ever heard of him?
- Yeah, I heard of
There's no way that Mel
Brooks is a part of this.
Where's crafty?
I need a fucking warmer for my Dunkin'.