Hit the Road (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

1 (Rock music plays) She blew my mind and she blew my cash And she blew right out the door But I love my blue-haired lady Even though I think she's eighty Still, I love my blue-haired lady Ever more ore ore (Applause) Thank you, Nashville! Seniors! Whew.
- JERMAINE: Anh! - Wow! Ahh.
Don't old people ever sweat? Holy crap, I'm dying in here.
I know, honey.
We're all hot.
But you know, it's a family band.
A little too much bare skin for the church? There's a 6'0" Jesus above your head that would beg to differ.
How'd things turn out for him? Well, congratulations.
- This was the worst gig, ever.
- I thought we killed it! We didn't kill it.
They were already dead.
There wasn't a single person in this crowd under 90.
You're gonna be old someday, too, Ria.
That's a very good point, Casey.
All right? This may not have been a big deal for you, but it was a blessing for these people.
Thank you, big guy.
Yeah, and how much did we make for this blessing? Ria, this is Nashville! It's Music City! Huh? I'm here upping our expose.
Guys, please, can you stop fighting in the house of the Lord? Why isn't Robert Kushman here, upping our exposure? Kushman booked us this gig! Kudos for Kush! Oh, great, so our manager's a screwup, too! That's it.
We're going to hell! All right, shut it! I'm hungry, I'm hot, and I'm in a church! The Jewish woman's trifecta of discomfort! Let's just pack up our shit and get the hell outta here.
(Clapping) Wonderful show! Outstanding! Well, not the best I've ever seen, but you know, top 10.
This year.
Ah, this summer.
Hi! Linda Shapiro, Senior VP, Talent and Talent Relations, Primary Wave Records.
Who's in charge? Well, no one is really in charge.
That would be me, Ken Swallow.
"Can" Swallow? Ha! Oh, no, honey, I would change that, definitely.
Go with maybe, you know, like Will.
- Actually - Ahhh.
No.
I'll do the talking, William.
- Boop.
- Hi.
I'm Luke.
No one gives a shit what your name is.
They've probably forgotten your name already.
Haven't you? Of course they have.
Hello! Get these people some water.
They are obviously dehydrated.
Not now, fuck stick.
Need ya to take notes.
I didn't know record executives actually went to church.
Ohhh! You are adorable! Lose ten pounds.
Okay, so I troll choir members twice a year.
Doll 'em up, pimp 'em out for the gospel and soul divisions.
Didn't actually know that family bands, anh, still existed, but I like you guys! I like, not love.
Mnh, no, been burned by love before.
But you know what? I think you guys are fun.
Ha! Especially this one here with the hams hangin' out.
- Wah-wah! That is good stuff! - Ha! You, woof!, are fantastic.
Sisters! Okay, no, I'll get fuck stick here to drop off a contract a little later on today.
Does that sound good? Of course it does.
You love it! Ha ha! Oh, my God! Get these people some water.
What did I say? But, jeez, when I tell you to fuckin' do something, fuckin' do it.
Sorry, kid.
Love ya, bye.
So I took a little something before the show to get in the right head space, but, did I just hallucinate that?! That.
just.
Happened! Oh, my f God! Yes, that was me.
This is my booking.
This was all me, all Daddy! I thought Kushman booked us this gig.
All Daddy and a hint of Kushman.
Yo! She is legit.
Linda Shapiro.
She got her own Wikipedia page.
Look, she signed the Black Keys.
- Ah! Oh! Oh! - Way to go, Dad.
- Oh! - Yeah! - Oh! Little love.
- Boom! Ria.
Okay, I admit it, maybe you had a lucky call this time.
Oh! (Laughter) Hey, let's take a minute and take this in.
Let's not.
The Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting needs the room.
Ooh, wow, that's a lot more women than I would've anticipated.
'Sup, bitches? We got Mexican food.
Dad ponied up for guac.
Guacamole? Are we rich? We got a recording contract now.
We are a guac family.
I'm allergic to avocado.
- Of course.
- Oh, no problem, J-bro.
We got some tri-tip, some shrimp, some Snap Pebbles.
We're livin' large.
Well, we will be, once Linda Shapiro gets here.
Oh, she didn't show up, but Mom is with the other guy.
- What other guy? - Fuck stick.
The numbers look good.
This actually seems fair.
Hey! How's it all going? What's going on, uh? - Luke.
- Luke.
Where's Linda? She never comes to signings.
Well, it's not really a signing.
It's more of a negotiation, right? - What? Ken.
- Let's see what we got going on here.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Well.
Hey, this is great.
You know, I would've I would've put on some lipstick, if I knew I was gonna get fucked.
- Ken.
- (Laughs) Give me one second.
(Muttering) (Whispering) I'm playing him.
I got him on defense.
Look at him.
He's already on his heels.
Hon, don't fool around like this.
Sweetie, this Linda is a little shark and she thinks we're a bunch of baby seals.
- Oh, my God! - I like her.
She likes us.
She complimented my hams.
Let's do this.
Trust me.
I can hear you.
I know that! I know you can hear me.
So, hear this.
We're gonna stop by the office tomorrow and we'll thrash out all the details then.
Oh.
(Tapping) She wants it signed today.
I know.
She's eager.
That's adorable.
So you know what? We'll stop by - the office tomorrow.
- Dad.
Watch your head and be careful going down the stairs 'cause we don't have (singsong) insurance.
Wow.
Thanks, Dad, for taking our one chance and crapping all over it! Ugh! You had me at thanks, then it took a turn.
Honey, would you tell her what a great negotiator I am? I am an expert at taking a firm no and turning it into a soft yes.
As I recall, that's how you were conceived, Ria.
(Laughs mockingly) Tomorrow, Daddy will take you down to Linda Shapiro's office and show you how the game is played.
Because Daddy's in charge.
- (Muttering) Oh, God.
- I sense a little bit of a tone.
- Yeah! - Mm-hmm, caught that.
Saw it and heard it.
Whatever.
- Can we just go in? - (Voices overlapping) We're gonna be late, honey.
Would you give it another minute? Let her sweat.
Your shirt is burning my retinas.
Because it's a power shirt, Ria.
It dazzles and intimidates.
Now, when we get in there, let me do the talking.
Again, she seems to like me.
Can we just let me chat her up a little bit to ease into negotiations? See, that's the rookie move.
The first one who speaks, loses.
You're always the first person who speaks.
- Ha! Sick burn.
- Aw, screw this.
Ria! - (Rattles) - Agh! - Come on.
- (Knocking) - - (Laughter) - Oh, hey, Swallows.
- Hey! Oh, I-I didn't think Linda was the fun office type.
Well, Linda isn't here.
Ding dong, the witch is dead.
- She died? - She checked in to rehab, again.
- Thus, we are free.
- She's an addict? No, no, no, no.
River Phoenix was an addict.
Linda Shapiro is a beast! She's been toasted the last six, eight months, solid.
So the only reason she liked us was because she was stoned.
Mm, pretty sure.
Hey, you know, we're gonna sign the contract as-is, no changes, perfect, we love it! It still needs Linda's signature.
Last time she was in rehab, it was months.
Sorry.
Love the power shirt.
No, no! (Muffled music thumping) I can't fuckin' believe it.
Ah, look who spoke first.
The loser.
(Music continues) CASEY: Where are we going? KEN: Linda Shapiro's in rehab.
We're going to rehab.
- (Tranquil tune plays) - (Birds chirping) Mr.
Swallow? Dr.
Nguyen.
Head administrator of Elm Pines.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Nguyen, is that Chinese? - My family's Vietnamese.
- Oh.
Well, first let me say, on behalf of my country, we are so sorry about all that.
We tsk.
We really didn't know what we were doing.
Mr.
Swallow, are you here seeking professional treatment for an addiction issue? Me? (Laughs) No.
(Thwack) Come on, no.
I'm I'm good.
No, I'm here to talk to one of the inmates.
- Guests? - Guests, exactly.
It-It's business-related.
Music business? How did you know that? This is Nashville.
Half of our guests are here due to that hateful industry.
This is a sanctuary away from all that.
Yes, yes.
Oh.
I totally get that, which is why I'll be in and out, five minutes, tops.
- Less, if she's sedated.
- Mr.
Swallow? The only people who come through these doors are those in need of treatment.
Ah.
Why me? Why don't you go? Because I've already made an impression on her as smart and personable.
How am I an addict? But I qualify? Why not send Alex? He seems like the obvious choice.
I can't send Alex on a mission to a rehab.
He's on drugs.
You might like it.
I-It's like a spa in there.
Pools? Massage? Aromatherapy? Yeah.
They had a whole cinnamon-vanilla thing going.
So you go, you find her, you put the contract under her cokey little nose, next week, (laughing) we're in a recording studio.
Ken, I can't do this.
I'm not an actor! I'm not gonna be able to pull this off.
Ahem.
Ah.
Pull that string back for me? What the heck are you doing?! Man, you keep drugs in a ukulele? Why else would anyone have a ukulele? Yeah, I'll take a couple of these and a couple hits off a J.
Oh, indica or sativa? Dealer's choice.
Uh, honey? Uh - RIA: Mom.
- Let's not go crazy here.
CASEY: Mommy! (Inhales) Well, you want it to look authentic.
I mean, I'm sure I can handle a teeny bit of (Scat singing) Rehab! Motherfucker, yeah! Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, sweetie.
Maybe - Oh! - Maybe keep it a little quieter.
Cinnamon Cinnamony So cinnamony, so cinnamony - Okay, sweetheart.
- I love Sweetheart, sweetheart, what are we here to do? - Fuck.
- No, no, no.
We're gonna find who? Linda? - Linda, fuck Linda.
- No, we're not gonna fuck Linda.
- A la la la la la - We're gonna find No, no.
- A la la la la - Listen to me.
Listen to me.
No la la la.
We're gonna find Linda.
We're gonna give her the contract - Contract.
- to sign, right? And we're just gonna get in and get out.
(Singsong) Get in, get out, get in, get out.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Get out! (Thud) Yeah, that's the basic idea, - without the pushing.
Okay.
- Baby.
Oh, look, some people are - gonna help us, honey.
- Whoa.
(Laughter) - Let's just take her.
- You are so attractive! I'm a mother of a Black child.
Yeah.
Yeah yeah.
RIA: Look at this.
Some rich bitch who can't get off her diet pills needs a "pamper me" party.
(Engine stops) Oh, my God.
That is Carissa Bowden! - She's checking in! - She is hot.
She's everything.
I want her life.
I mean, Disney actress, music career, movie career, artsy movie career, and then DUI, public meltdown, and (gasp) leaked sex tape.
(Sigh) I-I'm pretty sure she leaked that herself.
Of course she did.
She's on a whole other level.
God, I love her.
(Reporters' voices overlapping) - (Camera shutters clicking) - Hey, guys.
Looking for a little scoop, Swallow, on Primary Wave What? What are you doing, man? Hey, don't be Hey! Hey! I don't like the manhandling, okay, all right? Yeah! Oh! You wanna go?! You wanna go, huh? Oh, oh, yeah.
Walk away! God, why is Dad making such a big scene around her? - She cannot handle the stress.
- Get 'im.
Ugh! He always ruins everything, just like her father.
You can start it, but you can't end it, huh? Big man! What do you mean? Her douche father controlled her career, stole her money, and basically ruined her life.
- Sound like anyone we know? - You believe these a-holes? They They ride around in a limousine.
They think they can push everybody around.
She bled for that limo, you ass! (Scoff) All right, let's get back on the bus, all right? Mom's on the mission.
We should be in and out in about an hour.
- (Tranquil tune plays) - Sorry, honey, I got nothing.
That sucks! So you really don't remember us at all? I was so high! I mean, not the most high I've ever been, but, still, very, very high.
You know what? I give it like an eight.
What are you now, four, five? I'm flying at a good six.
But it feels more like a five because I'm so bummed.
Ken is just gonna blame me for this.
They're all gonna blame me for this.
I just really need to get back on the bus.
Okay, seekers.
Let's begin.
Meg, as our newest seeker, we invite you to release first.
Oh, no! No, no, thanks.
I don't need to release.
I don't really have a drug problem, you guys.
(Laughs) Here, we believe that substances are simply a balm for pain.
Pain? No, I don't have I don't have any pain! I have this great family! I have a wonderful life.
I just really need to get back on that (crying) bus.
- Aww.
- Oh! I don't wanna go - Honey, trust me.
- on the bus.
Yeah.
I know oh despair when I see it.
Painwise, I've been on a nine - since perimenopause.
- (Sobbing) (Birds chirping) Pick up the goddamn phone! Agh! Damn it.
Calling all morning.
It's after 10:00 already! Maybe she's just sleeping in.
At $1,200 a day, she can't afford to sleep in.
I'm gonna get my shoes and head over there.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm covering the Snap Pebbles Dad bought us in a glaze of acid and mushroom, in a white-wine reduction.
It gives them a really fast kick.
(Crinkling) Mm.
Are your eyes orange right now? I-I don't think so.
Oh, then this stuff is the shit.
All right.
I'll be back in a minute with Meg Winehouse.
- Good luck! - Hello? Can I speak to the appointment desk, please? - Yes, I'll hold.
- To see Mom? To see Carissa Bowden.
She got emancipated at 16, worked out how to get around her parents and call her own shots.
Yeah, we need to learn from her.
Put your shoes on.
We're going in.
(Tranquil tune plays) I just need to talk to my wife, for a second.
She hasn't answered her cellphone all morning.
I just wanna make sure she's okay.
Your wife is not ready for visitors.
(Gasp) She might surprise you.
She might be ready, 'cause, at $1,200 a day, she is highly motivated.
I think you'll be happy to know that Meg is making some real breakthroughs in therapy.
Breakthroughs? I can't afford breakthroughs.
Is that on top of the $1,200 a day? You can't put a price on health, Mr.
Swallow.
What? Hey.
I didn't.
You did, all right? - (Beep) - Wh? Are you kidding me? All right, this is bullshhh Shh.
Shh! - - (Mouthing words) (Whispering) Sick people here.
Scam.
That lady's running a scam.
Like obvious.
You're not gonna skip (Water flowing) What are you doing here? Just hanging out.
Uh-huh.
All right, if you see Mom, text me, okay? Assuming you can get a signal.
This whole place is like an impenetrable - goddamn fortress.
- (Chuckles sarcastically) Dipshit.
Hello.
Ria, is it? I'm Dr.
Nguyen.
Come in.
Thank you for making an appointment.
(Crying) I have tried to protect them from our parents, but it is just (sniffle) so hard.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Um My brother is barely functional and my adopted brother is the product of a crack whore.
But you know, the, um the one I'm really concerned about is my little sister.
She's almost psychotic, once she's high.
She seems like a sweet little girl.
Until she needs a fix! This one time, she snorted bath salts and she tried to remove a man's kidney through his ass.
Okay, I just I just want these kids to see how regular people's lives have been ruined by drugs and maybe it will, you know, scare these kids straight.
Bailor, can you step in here, please? I need you to take some at-risk kids around, if you will.
Bailor here is one of our success stories.
I'd hate to see what the failures look like.
(Chuckle) Just (Water lapping) Oh! There she is.
(Gasp) Wh? (Guests' voices overlapping) Okay, Bailor, give them the best scared-straight tour you got.
I'll just wait here.
What?! Don't you need to be scared straight, too? This is a classic bait and switch.
Guys, sometimes what you need and what you think you want can be very, very different, okay? I am begging that you understand (whispering) and you do what's right.
I bet she won't even talk to you.
I bet she will.
Just in case you need to break the ice.
I love you like Kesha loves glitter right now.
Get clean, you guys.
What? Um, hi.
Reporter, addict, or fan? Definitely a fan.
- Lesbo? - If I have to.
- You got anything on you? - I do.
- Sit.
- Okay.
As you let your conscious minds go, your picture will tell a story.
All right, let's take a short break and we'll meet in the study to share our work.
What the hell's that? Oh, I was just free-associating about my life.
That's your life, Humpty Dumpty and a bird in a box? Why does the bird have huge tits? No, those are musical notes.
I think.
Huh.
Whatever.
I don't go for this Freud crap.
I'm just here to dry out and maybe get laid.
- That's my therapy.
- Okay.
- Later.
- Good luck.
- Hey, hot stuff.
- KEN: Meg! Psst! Meg! Meg! Meg! Ken, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here?! Did she sign it or not?! No, it's a bust.
She didn't remember the gig.
She didn't remember us.
She's not signing.
(Sigh) Well, where are you going? I have circle therapy.
What? Are you crazy? Checkout time is noon! If we're not out, that's a $1,200 cartoon you're carting around there! And what is this crap about breakthroughs in therapy? It's not crap, and this is not a cartoon! This is my life, Humpty Dumpty! Wait a minute, how the hell am I Humpty - Dumpty! - (Thud) I was living the life, trophy wife, honor-student kids, homes around the world, G6 private jet, Perini Navi yacht! I had it all! And then the devil came.
At first, a little weed, a little coke, just at parties.
But the parties never stopped! They never stopped! Pills, Molly, X, smack! In a (snaps fingers) blink, my family's gone.
So what am I supposed to do? I retire to this miserable life of hidden Swiss bank accounts and meaningless sex with supermodels! Don't make the same mistake I did, kids! Don't do it! What? So, my Dad is like running and ruining our lives.
I mean, that's why I had to meet you.
You got out.
Hold up.
Can you slide me some more of those rocks? - Uh.
- These are sick.
What do you call them? My brother wants to call them Pearl Harbor because it's like you don't feel it coming, then all of a sudden Bkrrr! - (Crinkling) - Your brother's a genius.
More of like an idiot savant.
- No sugar in.
- No.
(Whispering) Let's go have some fun.
(Chuckle) I just didn't want to take up any more of the group's time and I really can't afford this.
Meg? You can't afford not to.
I've rarely seen a situation as clearly stifling as the one presented by your husband? (Suspenseful jazz plays) Look at the face you drew on your egg.
Yeah, that's a bad egg.
I will grant you that, but that's only because I'm a terrible artist.
Ken is a really good egg.
If I may, I think you're suppressing the fact that you're being subjugated by living with someone who's an a-hole.
You got all that from my drawing? No, I met your husband.
He? Is an a-hole.
When I was high, I was everyone's plaything.
Men, women, it didn't matter.
I was a party girl, the girl you used like a rag and then threw in the trash.
Oh, I took all comers.
And I do mean all.
I was mindless, soulless, used, and abused.
And all I had to do was keep the powders and the pills going.
(Scraping) It was glorious! Best fucking time of my life! Do I know these people? (Peals of laughter ringing) Oh, man, this shit is the shit.
Where did you get it from again? My brother made it.
Your brother is like some freaky combo of Walter White and Willy Wonka.
(Laughter continues) Uh, just one second.
Ahem.
- What happened to you? - What? It's not important.
Is that the girl from the limo? Yeah, her name is Carissa Bowden.
Hey.
Are you Ria's old man? Yeah.
How you doing? Ken Swallow.
(Chuckle) Ken? Can Swallow? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (Sputters) It's like swallow my cock, swallow my dick, swallow my load, swallow it whole.
You got a new one, you can paint it on my bus.
- Dad! - (Laughs) That is fucked up.
I like you.
Well, um, speaking of fucked up, uh, you seem a wee bit mashed yourself.
Anything you might care to share? Oh, my God, this is not happening right now.
Okay, truth? Ahem.
If I give it to you, what are you gonna do with it? Truth I'm gonna give it to a recovering addict to con her into giving a recording contract to my family.
(Laughing) That is so fucking cool.
(Laughing mirthlessly) Go with God.
(Suspenseful jazz plays) WOMAN: Did you see that little pussycat running over there? (Laughter) Why don't you take a moment to look at your picture, Meg, and tell us what it means to you.
Okay.
Uh Well, Humpty Dumpty, aka my husband (Applause) Thank you.
He's in a box, and then what feels like my kids are in these four musical notes on the outside.
And, apparently, I am the sad little bird, trapped inside with Humpty Dumpty.
(Applause) Okay, I'm not loving the Humpty Dumpty references right now.
Mr.
Swallow, this is a private session! Meg is speaking her truth! Could you back it down jus-s-s-t a tad? Thank you.
She's told us some troubling things.
Well, you can't believe anything she says.
She's an addict! Look, we'll talk about this later.
Just give me the contract and go pack your things.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not just about your needs.
I have needs, too, and we have issues that we need to discuss.
(Applause) All right, fine! Fine! We can talk about this at home.
Just give me the contract! Meg's issues have to do with the home.
For the love of Christ, woman! Ken! She doesn't annoy the shit out of you? Look at this! Come over here! This is my life! This is how I feel! I'm in a box! And it's chaos! There's no room to move or breathe or grow and, every day, it feels like we're headed off a cliff! And I am not sure I want to be in there anymore! (Applause) All right.
All right! All right, I get it, everything she says! (Poignant tune plays) - You're right.
- What? You're right! This box is chaotic.
We're all jammed in there.
We're on top of each other.
There's no place to move right now, and it's it's crazy, and it could go off a cliff.
Remember the box that we left behind in King of Prussia? Huh? It was quiet and it was stable and God knows there were no cliffs.
Why? Because we weren't going anywhere! And that made us crazy, too! That's why we started this whole thing.
(Both sigh) Honey, I'd give you 100 boxes if I could.
I don't have them.
These are the only two boxes I have right now, and you can pick either one.
You get to pick.
'Cause the only thing I care about is, whatever box you pick, Humpty Dumpty is in there with ya.
Really?! You're not going to applaud for that?! (Hesitant clapping) Forget it.
It's too late.
Pssh! Come with me.
No, I'll meet you on the bus.
I'm gonna stay for the session I already paid for.
I would take some exit applause.
What? Oh, you fuckin' people are unknowable.
How'd you finally stand up for yourself? You know, like break away from having your entire life dictated to you? How'd you know you could make it? You call this making it? Are you kidding? You literally have everything.
Meanwhile, my dad is constantly screwing things up for me because he needs to control everything.
He sure is dedicated, though.
You just have to judge him based on results.
Like he's out there, getting a recording contract.
I mean, the question is just does he get it or does he not? (Laughter) (Cheering) I am Mama Qucha, Inca god of water and streams.
Give me another taste, Mr.
Fish.
Yes, absolutely, absolutely.
But, first, you have to sign the sacred scroll with your little flipper.
Yeah.
Everything he touches is a fiasco.
I'll never get away from him.
Let me tell you somethin', rock star.
I didn't wind up in here 'cause of my dad.
I wound up in here 'cause of me.
Sure, my dad was a fuckup, in a lot of ways, but he loved me.
And I threw it away.
Aha! (Laughs) Yes, yes, got it! Now give me my treat.
Right, right.
There you go; there you go.
(Laughing) Oh, now, come all ye creatures of the Amazon and be fed by my bounty! (Cheering) (Upbeat tune plays) (Laughter) Whoo! So you're saying she was like not cool? No, she was cool.
She just wasn't happy.
Nobody at that place was happy.
Right? They were rich.
How does that happen? They literally could do whatever they want.
They've got drugs! It just doesn't add up.
Anyways, I'm sorry I abandoned you guys.
It really was not worth it.
Well, you're lucky that I didn't get mad 'cause, apparently when I get mad, I try to rip someone's kidney through their ass! (Laughter) Hey, guys.
You hungry? We got guac.
And, with that contract, we're gonna be a guac family from this point on.
Dad, I gotta give it to you.
I did not think you'd get that contract signed, and you did.
Results are what count.
Thank you, baby.
I told you, Daddy gets the shit done.
Who's Mama Qucha? What? This contract is signed by someone named Mama Qucha.
- Fuckin' kidding me? - CASEY: Wait, what's happening? - Dad screwed up! - What do you mean? Oh, Humpty Dumpty drove our box off the cliff.
All right.
I'm not loving the whole Humpty Dumpty thing! (All arguing)