Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e07 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) SCHULTZ: sechs, sieben, acht, neun ( continues counting in German ) Report! Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
All right, Schultz.
Hogan, at ease.
All present, Colonel Hogan.
I'm glad of that, sir.
Now, you should know no one ever escapes from Stalag 13.
However, I appreciate your cooperation in asking for this special count.
A couple of hotheads had a crazy escape plan-- you know, in business for themselves.
I wanted to head 'em off.
That was a wise decision.
Smoke if you have them.
I mean, if there's any breaking out, our Escape Committee can handle that.
KLINK: I warn you, Hogan, one false move and There it is, Major, a perfect arrow.
PILOT: Hogan's Heroes.
I don't know how they do it.
Now, that's what I call service.
They sure turned this mission into a milk run.
Blue Fox Leader to Little Foxes.
Primary target, bearing 0-6 degrees.
Follow me in, drop your eggs, and head for the barn.
Pilot to bombardier.
It's all yours, Mike.
Get that bridge, and I'll punch your ticket to a three-day pass in London.
Gentlemen, last night a force of enemy planes attacked the Adolf Hitler Bridge near the town of Braunstadt.
( loud cheering ) Except for minor damage, and civilian traffic.
( booing and shouting ) KLINK: Silence! The Adolf Hitler Bridge remains intact, proving the superiority of the German defenses.
Yeah, we'll get the bridge next time, Fritz, baby! ( men shouting ) KLINK: Silence! Enough of your American insolence.
The man who said that will take two steps forward.
Not all of you! Back.
No, that's wrong! I wish you'd make up your mind, Schultz.
It's a lovely day for a walk.
Yeah, we should've packed a lunch.
Since you all take two steps forward, you're all guilty, and you will all take the consequences.
The recreation hall will be closed for one week.
That's terrible! Come on, Colonel! If you close the recreation hall, you're gonna deprive us of our Tommy Dorsey records.
( prisoners mutter agreement ) That's a cruel, inhuman, sadistic punishment.
Colonel Hogan I am so deeply moved by your protest, the recreation hall will not be closed for one week.
( cheering ) It will be closed for two weeks! Dismissed! ( shouting and groaning ) two weeks?! It's impossible! Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction.
I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.
Doesn't matter, Kinch, the Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.
Yeah, and Klink's happy-- nasty happy.
Let's make him unhappy-- nasty unhappy.
Let's knock out that bridge.
Huh? What?! You're kidding.
I mean, how do we get there? We'll worry about that later.
What kind of explosives have we got, Carter? Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.
Firecrackers? CARTER: Well, sure, you remember.
We told Klink that LeBeau was part Chinese, we had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Year.
Oh, yeah.
And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut.
Please.
Not while I'm plotting.
Have we got anything to make explosives? Well, the easiest thing would be some kind of gas, if we could get a detonator and a timer.
Maybe chlorine gas.
What do you need? Ammonia would do it, mixed with bleach, if we had any.
Hey, the Krauts keep a lot of that stuff in the kitchen for cleaning.
Newkirk, go find Schultz.
Volunteer for kitchen detail.
Yes, Colonel.
Kinch, you go with Carter, help him set up his bomb factory in tunnel number three.
Get him anything he needs.
Right.
Wha-What about me, Colonel? What do I do? LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve to make chow mein.
What? If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.
We'd better get out of here.
He's got work to do.
Carter, good luck.
And hurry it up.
Yeah, right, Colonel.
( loud explosion ) Carter? Carter? You okay? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
Boy, that stuff's really unstable.
Yeah.
You got to get that mixture just right.
Yeah, I know, I know.
You've got to expect a few little explosions.
Oh, sure.
Oh, boy, you keep that up, Klink'll be down here in a minute, and there goes the ball game.
I think I have an idea how to explain the noise.
Carter, keep working.
Uh, you do have insurance? ( soft hissing ) ( loud explosion ) Sign here, Colonel.
And here.
And here.
Without requisitions, there would be no war.
Danke.
Greetings, baby.
Herr Kommandant, you sent for me? I did.
Tell me, Schultz, what was the reaction to the closing of the recreation hall, hmm? Very unhappy.
They miss Tommy Dorsey.
What a pity.
I daresay they're calling me all sorts of names? The usual, but Colonel Hogan has a new one.
It starts with ( chuckling ) "Your parents were baboons and" I'm not interested! Of course, Herr Kommandant, I did not listen.
( liquid bubbling, hissing ) ( loud explosion ) Now, uh, during the disciplinary period, there is bound to be increased escape activity.
I want you to make spot checks on all barracks and search for any signs of tunnel-digging.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( explosion ) Those explosions.
They are top secret.
Please don't tell me.
I'm such a blabbermouth.
If you open your blabbermouth, by the time you close it, you will be a well-known figure at the Russian front.
If you live.
Now, there is a sign posted a half a mile from here, "Blasting in Progress for Construction.
" I have checked with Berlin-- they know nothing about it, which, of course, means that it is top secret.
The sign has obviously been put up to make people think that it is a civilian project.
Very clever of Berlin.
( chuckles ): Oh, those devils-- always up to something.
You are talking about Headquarters, Sergeant.
Oh, I didn't mean it that way, Herr Kommandant.
Now, if the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing.
You are ignorant.
Oh, I can handle that.
I know.
Dismissed.
( explosion ) ( loud explosion ) Boy, that was a beaut.
Yeah, he he loosened one of my fillings.
Write to your prime minister.
You ordered soufflé for tonight? What you will get is upside-down cake.
That's two if you Wait a minute, I heard something.
Shh.
Listen.
You're going round the bend ( tapping ) Will you shut up and listen.
It's Carter! The tunnel.
Newkirk, watch the door.
LEBEAU: Something's wrong! HOGAN: Quick, get him out of there.
Come on, come on.
Put him here.
Can you hear me? Hello, Mom.
The water.
LeBeau! I'm nervous.
Will you give it to him.
There.
Feeling better? Much better.
Not you.
Him.
I'm fine now.
I'm okay.
I'm just He's in great shape.
No, everything's really fine, Colonel.
If I could just have a couple of more shots.
A couple of more shots, and we won't be here.
We could never get that stuff to the bridge anyway, even if you got it ready.
Shall I make some chow mein? ( whispers ): Watch out! Goons coming! Hi, Schultz.
Hello, gentlemen! Oh, it's our old pal, Schultz.
What is wrong with Carter? He looks terrible.
Very sick.
Oh? One for Mommy.
And one for Daddy.
What is that? Medicine.
It's delicious-- you want some? Ugh! No.
We take him to the hospital.
SCHULTZ: Langenscheidt! Hey, Schultz, what about a game of cards, then? Come on.
Who, me? You're a right old wizard at poker, you are.
At poker I stink.
No need to get personal, now.
Hey, come on, Kinch, deal.
( speaks German ) Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Hmm.
Auf Wiedersehen.
We still got to figure a way to make more ammunition.
Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.
Whose side are you on? NEWKIRK: Pity we don't have about 500 of these.
They'd make a lovely bomb.
Hey, Newkirk, where'd you get these? Schultz's cartridge case-- I pinched them while I was giving him that old jolly-up.
Bit of practice.
You get rusty, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Why not? Why not what, Colonel? Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge with their own ammunition.
It's a nice touch.
Here.
All right, fellas, look at here.
This is where the Krauts keep their ammunition, in the ammunition room, right? Now, we dig a right-angle turn in tunnel number three, and we surface in the middle of all that beautiful gunpowder.
That's marvelous! That's great.
Wait a minute, hold it, fellas.
Before you get too happy, I got some bad news.
That last explosion collapsed about 50 feet of tunnel three.
KINCH: Oh, that's the clincher.
The way the Krauts are watching us, it'll take us a month to clear that 50 feet.
Newkirk, can you pick a lock? I find that question, sir, highly insulting.
Sorry, old bean, I should have known.
Gentlemen, I think we're in business.
LeBeau, we can use all the paint you have left over from that sign job and a couple of paintbrushes, too.
Okay.
What for? Tonight we're going to paint Klink into a corner.
"Hess is a mess.
" "Himmler is a rat fink.
" "Goering is a fat rat fink.
" "Col.
Klink is bucking for rat fink.
" Oh, no! KLINK: Hogan, this time you've gone too far.
Aw, come on, Colonel.
That's a boyish prank.
Ever since you closed up the recreation hall, they can't dance to their Tommy Dorsey records.
Got to blow off steam somehow.
I'll send you to the cooler, every one of you! Temper, temper, Colonel.
Your men can paint out those words in a couple of hours.
My men? Your men! They will paint this entire building at once.
Then we'll talk about punishment.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Issue paints and brushes to these assassins at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Now, wait a minute, Colonel.
I protest.
Prisoners of war are not required to do this kind of work.
We'll need a tarp-- a big one.
And besides that, it's against all the rules of civilized warfare.
Need a couple of ladders-- tall.
Jawohl.
One more word out of you, Hogan, and your men will paint this building for the entire war-- in chains! Newkirk, paint the door trim, huh? I'll have to go under the tarp for that, sir.
I don't care how you do it.
Okay, Colonel.
Piece of cake.
LeBeau, get under the tarp, work on the door.
Right, Colonel.
HOGAN: All right.
Come on, fellas, let's get this job done.
That job is going to take much more time than we thought, Colonel.
It's slow work.
All right, Newkirk.
Permission to go to the hut for a minute, Schultz? Jawohl.
Water the paint.
We need more time.
There is more traffic here than downtown Berlin.
Paint fumes gather underneath the tarp, Schultz.
They have to clear their heads.
I wish I had a drugstore on this corner.
You ordered us to paint the building.
We painted it.
Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind.
I can still read those insults.
Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone.
Now, paint it! All right, fellas, you heard the Commandant.
Now, let's get it right.
No, no, no, no, no! A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad? If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Come on, Colonel.
It's about time we got a little color in the war.
Everything's so drab.
Paint it again! All right.
So there won't be any misunderstanding, Carter, come here.
Carter was a decorator before the war.
I've made up some samples for you, sir.
What? May I suggest Blue Lagoon? Blue Lagoon? It's so warm and friendly.
My wife loves Shocking Burgundy.
Shocking Burgundy? I'm a little partial to chartreuse, myself.
Well, after all, you are an officer, sir.
Paint it as all the other buildings.
Schnell! No imagination.
All we have to do is set this timer, and boom! Hello, Adolf? Did you see a bridge go by at 5,000 feet? Ja? Well, it had your name on it, mate! Fine.
We have the bomb.
Now, how do we get it there? I'm glad you asked that, my friend.
Might I have your attention, please? Here is Braunstadt and the bridge, and here we are.
Every day, the Division messenger comes in here to pick up the mail and, like a good little Kraut, he goes back across the bridge on his little motorcycle.
Tomorrow, there's going to be a little extra package in his little sidecar-- without him knowing, of course.
Cute? Cute.
Cute.
Well, how can we be exact about setting the timer? All rear echelon drivers have orders not to exceed Right.
So all we have to do is measure the distance from here to the bridge at 40 miles an hour, and then set the timer so that it blows up while he's crossing the bridge.
My son the mathematician.
What are you doing, eh? Oh, I was admiring your motor, that's all.
Get off.
Hey, you know, I had a motorcycle at home? I said, get away! You.
You push me, I push you right back.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Maybe I don't push you back.
Bon voyage! I wonder what the new messenger's going to be like.
What are you doing? Very nasty bit of work, that courier, Schultz.
You're telling me? I asked him to take one pound of coffee to my wife in Dusseldorf.
He charged me ten marks for that little detour.
Dusseldorf? A detour? Oops.
Now, according to my figures, it's, uh, roughly 20 minutes before he reaches the crossroads here.
The road to the left is Dusseldorf, to the right Braunstadt and the bridge, huh? Yeah, and, according to the information that we pumped out of Schultz, they've got three sentries posted between here and Braunstadt.
They're numbered, uh, five, seven and nine.
All connected by phone.
Yes, Colonel.
The Krauts use them for setting up roadblocks.
Now, Number Nine is closest to the crossroads.
Here.
That's the one we try for.
If Kinch is right, we have exactly 18 minutes before that bomb blows.
Start sweating.
And that's an order.
So, your men were going to try to bribe me.
Me.
Afraid so, sir.
Indeed.
Fraulein Helga, come in here with your notebook at once.
( clears throat ) Bribery, huh? This will go down in the record for Berlin.
Now, Fraulein Helga, I want you to take down everything that is said in this office, verbatim.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
All right, Colonel, now just what exactly did your men do, huh? Well, they gave the Division Messenger money to pick up a case of your favorite wine in Dusseldorf.
( bangs table ) ( speaking German ) They figured the bribe, or the gift, would make you reopen the recreation hall.
And they keep saying, there's a lot of human being in Colonel Klink.
( scoffs ) Those fools.
I told them they were wrong.
A bribe, huh? I will throw them in the cooler for life.
Even after the war.
Even if we lose.
Schultz, arrest the Division Messenger the moment he sets foot in this camp again.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I must say you're the most secure officer I've ever met.
What do you mean? Well, the Division Messenger goes to Dusseldorf, stops at a bar for a drink, starts bragging about the bribe, the Gestapo overhears.
My hat's off to you, sir.
I mean, do you care if they need officers at the Russian Front? No, sir.
That's enough.
Get me the Division Messenger on the road to Braunstadt at once.
Sentry Post Number Nine.
Ring Sentry Post Number Nine.
There goes my pound of coffee.
Don't put that down, baby.
Schultz, stop muttering.
The Recreation Hall, huh? I shall personally smash their Tommy Dorsey records in front of their eyes.
Oh, come on, Colonel And their Jimmy Dorsey records.
Also the Andrews Sisters.
Hello? This is Colonel Klink, Luft Stalag 13.
What? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Heil Hitler.
Has the Division Messenger passed your way yet? He hasn't? Good.
Now listen carefully.
He is not to go to Dusseldorf for any reason whatsoever.
He must proceed on his regular route.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
To Braunstadt across the bridge.
Understood? Understood.
Now you're to telephone me and confirm.
If these orders are not carried out, you and the messenger will be court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian Front.
That's all.
What? Oh, yes, of course.
Heil Hitler.
Did, uh, you say something while I was talking on the phone? Me? No, sir.
Schultz, you're muttering again.
All right, now we shall all wait until the sentry calls us back.
And then you will watch me throw your men into the cooler with my own hands.
And you can put cooler in capital letters.
And if I find any Bing Crosby records, I smash them, too.
( explosion ) Herr Kommandant, that was the worst.
It's that construction work.
I wish they'd finish.
I'm getting sick of this.
I don't think there are going to be any more explosions, Colonel.
And how do you know, may I ask? Just a wild guess.
And the source of the mysterious explosion that destroyed the bridge is being investigated.
PRISONER: Good luck, Charlie.
( laughter ) In the meantime, I am calling for volunteers to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge.
( all talking at once ) Oh, pipe down, pipe down.
Colonel, I volunteer the services of my command.
( all talking at once ) HOGAN: Pipe down, pipe down.
Thank you, Colonel, thank you.
HOGAN: Provided the recreation hall is reopened and all past offenses are excused.
Request granted.
Dismissed.
( all talking at once ) Shh.
All right, all right.
We're going to rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
What do you mean by that? It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.