Hoops (2020) s01e07 Episode Script
The Strike
1
[man] Yeah. And, uh, just Uh-huh.
Just hold that.
And open. Open.
I know you can open wider there, Ben.
I've been to your games.
You never shut that mouth of yours.
[muffled] Hilarious!
Lots of cavities!
Looks like we're gonna run up a bill
like Bridgeport is gonna
run up the score on your Colts.
Oh, fuck you.
[laughs]
Don't worry. It's all covered.
Speaking of,
you ever think of going man-to-man?
Your "D" has to do somethin'
to slow down Coach Chapman's boys.
They romp you every year.
Dr. Pinkman,
there's a problem with his insurance.
He doesn't have any.
-I don't have insurance?
-[Pinkman] Hold still.
-Uh, no, no, no!
-[Pinkman] Easy.
There you go.
Janet
Janet is gonna finish up because
you cannot afford me out-of-pocket.
She wants to be a dentist someday.
This is exciting!
[drill whirs]
[chuckles]
It's got a mind of its own!
Fuck!
[sighs] You got this, girl.
[slurring] No, you don't, girl.
[tense music]
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
-Hey, yeah ♪
-'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
Hoops! ♪
[whistle blows]
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
Hey, did you know
that teachers don't have dental insurance?
I had to get a bargain basement job
from a hygienist.
Does it look bad?
[grunts]
[retches] Goodbye, tuna casserole.
My stomach has officially turned.
Yeah. Janet said my canine
might push into my cheek
and grow out the front of my face.
I get it.
Teachers need dental coverage,
but that's not worth striking over.
I'm talking about a fang
popping through my face.
Who said anything
about a teacher's strike?
The teachers are deciding whether or not
to strike this week,
and it's making me anxious as hell.
Damn it! Now I'm hungry again.
Listen, I need you
to go to the union meeting
and get me some intel.
Just find out what the teachers are saying
so we can nip this strike thing
in the bud.
I can't be stuck alone
in this haunted school.
The ghost of Lenwood High is in there.
And if it was really a student,
he's gonna kill the principal first.
And I'm the fuckin' principal.
Boys, listen up.
Saturday's game is a big one.
It's personal.
We play Bridgeport High.
And you know who their head coach is?
Damian Chapman.
[boys] Ooh!
Don't fuckin' "ooh."
He's also my enemy.
[boys] Boo!
Better response.
So me and Chapman
went to high school together.
He was the star of the high school team,
and he was the apple of my dad's eye.
[DJ] Aww!
What? I thought we were doing a thing.
Me and Chapman have a yearly bet
on the game, and I've never won it.
Ooh, what are the stakes?
Well, it started pretty basic.
-Ah, shit.
-[laughs]
See you at the pool, dick chest.
[Ben] But over the years,
the bets have become more creative.
Can you change me?
Pwetty pwease?
Ga-ga, goo-goo.
So I think you all know
what the biker did to me next.
-He kicked your ass?
-No, he changed my diaper on the bar.
But this year,
I got Chapman right where I want him.
Because this year, I got Matty.
And you guys. You guys are great.
Especially when you pass to Matty.
So I tell Michael not to pay him.
What are they gonna do? Kill your dad?
Guess who's meetin' me for a drink?
Damian Chapman!
Chapman? No!
Chapman? He's coming here?
Crap! My eyebrows are a mess!
-I'm right here, man.
-Damian!
-Barry!
-[laughs]
It's been way too long!
Let me fire up a steak for you,
you beautiful son of a bitch.
Nah, don't waste your meat, man.
I'm gonna destroy your son's honor,
then I gotta jet.
Oh, come on.
I'll make it work, you perfect bastard.
[Barry panting]
[Barry] Goddamn, I wish he was my son!
All right, Benji. Let's cut the shit.
Time to figure out this year's bet.
You know, I've decided
I'm gonna go easy on you, Damian.
-I'm gonna give you a break this year.
-You're gonna give me a break?
Dude, I kick your ass every year.
What are you talking about?
Let's keep this year's bet simple.
Here's what I'm thinking
[bell rings]
No, not the slop we serve to our regulars.
This is goddamn Damian Chapman!
Give him the best steak in the house.
Give him the Wagyu!
Yep. That's the bet.
[laughs]
It's official! I got you, you dope!
I got a seven-footer!
I got a seven-foot kid, and he can dunk!
Deal's a deal though.
Too late, you idiot!
Fuck, man! Damn it!
The thing is, Benji,
uh, I just landed twin exchange students
from the Sichuan Province.
Ever heard of it?
Who just so happen to be seven feet tall.
Benji, meet Quan and Li Chin.
[Ben] You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You got double Chins?
Yep. I got double Chins,
and they're playing this Saturday.
-Oh, fuck me. You've got two giants!
-Hm-mm.
I've only got one giant!
And two giants are better than one giant.
I'm fucked!
Hey, now, you're an all-star, Benji.
Hope you don't lose the bet this year.
That's a hilarious burn,
and I don't even know the context.
-I'll take his steak.
-Like hell you will!
-You could never eat Chapman's steak!
-He left.
I'll get it to him. Don't worry.
Dad, I'm fucked.
There's no way I win on Saturday.
Let me ask you something.
Did I come off too needy
when Chapman was here?
[chuckles]
God, that guy gives me the butterflies.
The second I saw Matty,
I thought to myself,
you know, this is the year
I can finally prove to my dad
that I'm a better son than Chapman.
That's why I've been trying
to come up with some plays.
We've been brainstorming ways
to help you all day.
But that, right there, is a weird play.
That's not a play, Marcus.
I was running out of ideas,
and I got bored, so I just drew a dick.
Shouldn't it have more hair?
Yeah, you're right. It should.
More hair on the balls.
Couple of hairs on the shaft
for good luck.
Coach, I know how to solve this.
I know what you're gonna say.
I need to draw veins on the dick.
You're not wrong. Very smart.
Totally. Yeah, that.
But also, I was gonna say
you can't lose the bet
if you don't lose the game,
and you can't lose a game
that you don't play.
Speak English, Isaac.
This isn't your bar mitzvah.
What I'm trying to say is,
there is no game
if the teachers go on strike.
But if there's a strike,
there's no school.
How am I gonna learn?
-Put a sock in it!
-Shut up, Marcus!
-You geek!
-Marcus, take a lap.
You don't have the authority
to tell me to do that.
He's right.
DJ, stay in your fucking lane, tits.
But Marcus, also, go take a lap.
[Marcus panting]
Isaac, you're right.
I'm a natural-born leader.
I can certainly rile up
some of these yahoos and start a strike.
All right. Now, step one:
let's draw some veins on this dick.
Anybody got a blue marker?
Lenwood teachers,
I know we're all frustrated
with the negotiations,
but the union position is
we are not going to strike.
It's not fair to the kids.
[Ben] Oh, who gives a shit about the kids?
Kids come and go.
This is about our needs. Am I right?
[all gasp]
Well, this is a different energy.
The school board thinks we're weak.
Well, I think we're the opposite of weak.
-Strong!
-Thank you, Ron.
I believe in the people in this room.
I believe in you, Lonnie.
Really?
-I believe in you, Ron.
-You never told me that before.
And I also believe in you, Myrtle.
-My name's Julia, asshole.
-Don't care!
Are you even in the union?
I've never seen you here before.
Am I in the union? Ha!
I own the fucking union.
No. I mean, have you paid your dues?
Are you still talking?
You're done, lady. I'm taking over.
I think it's time we get loud
and get what we want.
Who's with Ms. Same Ol' Same Ol'?
And who's with me?
[all] Yay!
Go, Coach!
This guy just throws out the rule book.
You're fucking A, right, I do!
I say strike!
Strike!
[all chanting] Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
-What do we want?
-[all] Everything!
-When do we want it?
-[all] Now!
Well, after Saturday, at least.
[all shouting and chanting]
Strike! Strike!
What the hell happened to my favor?
Well, I did you a better favor.
I told the strikers
not to set your car on fire.
Unions are fucking awesome, by the way.
Please, Ben, you can't strike.
I'm gonna be doing paperwork all by myself
in that creepy building.
I'm telling you, that place is haunted.
That fucking ghost of Lenwood High.
This again?
Opal, you're crazy.
That kid stabbed himself.
In the back?
He was depressed.
Opal, you gotta stop watching
so many horror movies.
They're not real. You just walk in there
like the boss lady that you are,
and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Ben. You're sweet.
I got ya. I love ya.
[Ben through megaphone] Fuck you, scab!
[all chanting] Scab! Scab!
Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab!
Damn it!
This teachers' strike means Ben's
not gonna get his ass kicked by Chapman.
I was excited to see what their bet was.
He couldn't get Ben pregnant, could he?
[chuckles] Although, if anyone
could get a man pregnant, it's Chapman.
Wait. Did you say
the teachers are on strike?
Yeah, and now I don't know
when I'm gonna be able
to give Chapman his steak.
Ron never mentioned a strike.
Huh? Oh, sweetie. [chuckles]
You sound like me.
My seven ex-wives all said
that I didn't listen to 'em
or support 'em or, um
I don't know.
Something else. I didn't catch it all.
Just because I didn't know
my boyfriend was on strike
does not mean I'm not supportive.
Well, do you try to be involved
with the stuff that he's into?
Uh, sure, I do.
[Shannon grunts]
Oh, I got that, baby.
Thank you for coming today.
Of course. I care about you, Ron.
I've made that abundantly clear.
Oh, I know that, baby.
Then why didn't you tell me
about the strike?
Oh, I think I mentioned it
when we were at dinner,
and later that night,
when we were on the couch,
and when we were in bed, and
Oh, this morning,
when I was making cardboard signs,
and you were like,
"Why are you making cardboard signs?"
Right.
[teachers chanting and shouting]
Who's in charge here?
Hi, Rance.
I know this looks quite intense,
but I am eager to sit down
and sort it all out with you.
Hey! She's not in charge anymore!
This is me. This is all me now.
Ah! Coach Hopkins.
I recognize you
from all the parental complaint hearings.
I didn't realize you were involved
in these negotiations.
Of course I'm involved
in all these negotiations.
I've put my time in. I've paid my dues.
Not literally.
I just found out about those.
But if you wanna talk to somebody,
you'll be talking to me, Ranch.
It is Rance, and that is fine.
As long as you are prepared
to discuss all the finer points in detail.
Then Ms. Henderson is coming, too,
you slippery fuck.
Your move.
I truly don't care.
We booked a conference room
at the Lenwood Inn and Suites,
and if we do not use it,
I lose the points.
We're gonna strike
for as long as this takes.
For sure till Sunday.
[all cheering and whooping]
Wait. Why Sunday?
-[megaphone interference]
-OK, everybody.
Coach says we should keep marching.
He's taking a little break
'cause his feet hurt,
but we should keep marching.
Wait a second.
What the hell are we doing out here?
The school's empty.
We can do whatever we want in there.
Hell, yeah. That's right!
Let's fuckin' do it!
Let's fuckin' tear this shit apart,
motherfucker!
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
They do whatever they want ♪
With no teachers around ♪
♪Take a big shit and not flush it down ♪
Look at Mrs. Henderson's personal pics ♪
Holy shit
She's got a folder full of dicks ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision ♪
But there's kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision ♪
But there's kids in school ♪
Smoking cigs ♪
In the teachers' lounge ♪
Light shit on fire ♪
'Cause no teacher's around ♪
Spray-paint bad words ♪
On the wall ♪
Then piss on the words
'Cause they broke the stall ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
Dumbass strike paperwork.
Gonna punch him in the neck.
That fucking
crooked-teeth-having jack-o'-lantern.
Whoa!
The ghost of Lenwood High!
I told that motherfucker it was real.
[panting]
[Opal] Oh!
Oh, hell no. Opal out!
[Opal screaming]
[teachers chatting]
Riling up this crowd takes a lot outta ya.
You know the difference
between you and me, Henderson?
I make this look good.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I just got off the phone with Rance,
and I think I owe you an apology.
It's over. They've agreed to our demands!
What do you mean?
I didn't agree to anything.
I didn't even make all my demands
to Ranch yet.
This can't end till Sunday at least.
We got dental, class size,
even a serious bump to our pensions!
Bor Ah, shit!
We're not done striking. Not yet!
Teachers of Lenwood, I have news!
Coach fucked everything up?
Actually, thanks to the new energy
that Coach Hopkins brought to the table,
the board caved!
With your agreement,
we plan to tell them--
To fuck off!
There it is.
This is a first offer,
and I'll never accept it.
You know what I do with first offers?
I piss on first offers!
I said I piss on first offers!
Come on, Little Coach.
Don't get stage fright now.
How's it going over there, Hopkins?
Could everybody just look away?
Maybe run some water?
This could take a second.
Stop staring at me, Lonnie.
Don't feel bad, buddy.
I can't go in front of anyone.
I'm a stall guy too.
Full disclosure? I sit.
Oh, I know it!
You leave that toilet seat
hotter than the hood of a Buick in July.
You're welcome, buddy.
It's too bad the Bridgeport game
is canceled 'cause of the strike.
-Coulda won that bet.
-What are you talking about?
Chapman's got double Chins.
Take that back!
Chapman's the most perfect man
I've ever seen.
No, I'm talking about the Chin twins.
They woulda kicked our asses.
I heard they're out this week.
Some car accident.
There's an article about it
-in the Bridgeport Daily.
-Huh?
[Ben] "Chin Twins' Car Spins"?
-They might need spinal pins.
-They're hurt?
So now Chapman has no giants,
and I got one giant?
We can win this!
But buddy, there's no game
because of the strike.
Not a problem, Kirk, my man.
I was born to negotiate.
Good morning, lovely school board.
Where is Ms. Henderson?
We'd rather deal with her.
Oh, I think you'll find
that I'm a lot easier to deal with.
The good news is,
is I'm here to end the strike
and accept all your terms.
Why would you do that?
For the kids!
We gotta get 'em back to school.
Not to mention extracurricular activities
like team sports and
sports.
I got the contract right here.
Is that urine?
Oh, it's just a little dribble.
I could barely go.
If I'm honest, I might be a stall guy.
So we doing this?
That contract is off the table.
Why? It's literally on the table.
Come on. I'm not leaving without a deal.
Look, who do I gotta blow
to get this done?
Huh?
[eerie music]
[laughter and shouting]
You just get out here and show yourself!
Let's end this!
[door opens]
Opal, chill out.
Jesus, Matty!
You're gonna give me a heart attack.
What are you doing in here?
School's closed.
Well, it turns out I actually like school.
I just hate it when there's people.
Why are you wearing a graduation gown?
I was cold,
and this was the only thing laying around.
Plus, I may never get the chance
to wear one of these things.
Fucking Lonnie.
Did you hear those men laughing
like lunatics?
No, I was in Coach's classroom
watching Impractical Jokers.
They did this one bit on a cruise ship,
and boy, did they think it was funny.
OK. Well, that's explained.
There was also a locker rattling
like it was possessed.
[banging]
I got you, Opal.
[tense music]
[teachers clamoring]
[Barry] All right.
Here you go. Some for you.
-Here.
-Steak sandwiches?
Sensational!
Thanks for supporting the strike,
Mr. Steakhouse.
Shannon bought 'em all for the teachers.
And my last name's not Steakhouse,
big boy.
Ooh, sweet!
Two-day-old Wagyu! My favorite.
Oh, not so fast!
This one is for the coolest man I know
[chuckles]
Chapman. I was hoping he'd be here.
Oh, I can't believe Shannon sent these.
She's really taking an active interest
in my life all of a sudden.
Word to the wise
when the end is near,
they start trying to "get to know you."
At least, that's what happened
to number three.
And number five. Same person. [laughs]
Carol never learned.
Oh, no.
I mean, Shannon knows everything about me.
That's why she likes me.
Oh, yeah?
What does she like about you exactly?
Oh, she likes
that I don't shout in public.
She likes
that I don't take sleeping pills.
She likes that I've never thrown a chair.
I mean, I could go on and on.
Oh, so she likes that you're not Ben.
Ooh, snap!
OK, quiet down. Quiet down!
I made a deal.
What did we get?
I don't wanna get bogged down
in the specifics.
I'm sure other people have questions,
Lonnie, so please stop hogging.
[shouting] We agree
with Lonnie's question!
OK, I got us almost everything we had
before the strike.
What about class sizes?
They agreed to make them smaller, right?
No, we're gonna keep the size
the way it is. The more the merrier.
What else? What else? What else?
Oh, yeah. They're not comfortable
with dental, so
That's a worse deal
than the one they initially offered.
Why are there two megaphones?
Someone take away her megaphone.
[booing]
[Julia] You sold us out!
[Lonnie] Called it.
[Henderson] Let's get this son of a bitch!
-[Lonnie] He's getting away!
-[Ben panting] Holy shit!
[teachers shouting]
[grunts]
[banging]
Unbelievable.
Tells me he's gonna take care of it,
but then drags me with him.
Would you stop mumbling about me so much?
Asking me to stop mumbling about him.
How does that lanky motherfucker
even hear me up there?
Just stand back.
I'm gonna open this damn locker.
All right. Here we go.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Opal] Oh, my God!
-Kill it!
-No, Opal! No! It's just Bryan.
[Opal] You see him too?
He asked me to let him out of here
after the bullies went home,
but that was a week ago.
Shit. I forgot. Sorry, Bryan.
[sighs] I'm just relieved
this was all in my head.
[banging]
-Uh, well, that is not in your head.
-[banging continues]
You got this, Principal Opal.
It's all you. You show 'em who's boss.
Thanks, Matty.
[clears throat]
Game on, motherfuckers!
[banging]
Argh!
Argh!
It's got fangs!
Save me, Opie!
Go to hell, you monster fuck!
Argh! You hit me in the mouth!
I feel
amazing!
Who needs dental when you have Opal?
Hey
Um, be honest with me, Shannon.
Is this relationship just a rebound?
No! No!
It's not a rebound at all.
Ben took a shot, he missed,
and I landed in your arms.
That is not a rebound.
OK, good. Just making sure.
I give 'em three more weeks.
That's longer than your fourth marriage,
Mr. Steakhouse.
[chuckles] You're not wrong, big boy.
You're not wrong.
It's our time to shine, boys.
Chapman is screwed. His giants are dead.
They're not actually dead.
They're in a coma.
Either way, it's great news!
Hey, there's the loser now.
By the way, Coach, what's the bet?
You never told us.
[chuckles] You'll see, Matty.
Let's just say it's something
that'll be with him the rest of his life.
Uh, Coach?
[rock music playing]
[music stops]
What the hell?
I thought they weren't playing.
Uh-huh. 'Course you did.
I planted that Bridgeport article
because I knew you'd fall for it
and end the strike.
You evil genius!
Chapman! Goddamn, I wish he was my son!
What's that?
It's the steak I owe you, big knucklehead,
from three and a half days ago.
Yeah, I'm not gonna eat that.
[sighs] I guess it's your lucky day,
huh, big boy?
God bless you, Mr. Steakhouse.
Mmm-mm!
[laughing]
Mmm-mmm!
Ah, who knows?
Maybe we could still beat 'em.
[whistle blows]
-[crowd cheering]
-[buzzer]
[buzzing]
Wait. You want all the lyrics
to Smash Mouth's "All Star"?
-That'll take up your whole back.
-Exactly! [laughs]
It's not gonna fit.
I'm gonna have to write
"All that glitters is gold"
in his ass crack.
[laughs]
Argh! Oh, God!
My home is in Kentucky ♪
And that is where I'll die ♪
I hope it's soon ♪
'Cause I presume ♪
It's all a waste of time ♪
[man] Yeah. And, uh, just Uh-huh.
Just hold that.
And open. Open.
I know you can open wider there, Ben.
I've been to your games.
You never shut that mouth of yours.
[muffled] Hilarious!
Lots of cavities!
Looks like we're gonna run up a bill
like Bridgeport is gonna
run up the score on your Colts.
Oh, fuck you.
[laughs]
Don't worry. It's all covered.
Speaking of,
you ever think of going man-to-man?
Your "D" has to do somethin'
to slow down Coach Chapman's boys.
They romp you every year.
Dr. Pinkman,
there's a problem with his insurance.
He doesn't have any.
-I don't have insurance?
-[Pinkman] Hold still.
-Uh, no, no, no!
-[Pinkman] Easy.
There you go.
Janet
Janet is gonna finish up because
you cannot afford me out-of-pocket.
She wants to be a dentist someday.
This is exciting!
[drill whirs]
[chuckles]
It's got a mind of its own!
Fuck!
[sighs] You got this, girl.
[slurring] No, you don't, girl.
[tense music]
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
-Hey, yeah ♪
-'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
Hoops! ♪
[whistle blows]
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
Hey, did you know
that teachers don't have dental insurance?
I had to get a bargain basement job
from a hygienist.
Does it look bad?
[grunts]
[retches] Goodbye, tuna casserole.
My stomach has officially turned.
Yeah. Janet said my canine
might push into my cheek
and grow out the front of my face.
I get it.
Teachers need dental coverage,
but that's not worth striking over.
I'm talking about a fang
popping through my face.
Who said anything
about a teacher's strike?
The teachers are deciding whether or not
to strike this week,
and it's making me anxious as hell.
Damn it! Now I'm hungry again.
Listen, I need you
to go to the union meeting
and get me some intel.
Just find out what the teachers are saying
so we can nip this strike thing
in the bud.
I can't be stuck alone
in this haunted school.
The ghost of Lenwood High is in there.
And if it was really a student,
he's gonna kill the principal first.
And I'm the fuckin' principal.
Boys, listen up.
Saturday's game is a big one.
It's personal.
We play Bridgeport High.
And you know who their head coach is?
Damian Chapman.
[boys] Ooh!
Don't fuckin' "ooh."
He's also my enemy.
[boys] Boo!
Better response.
So me and Chapman
went to high school together.
He was the star of the high school team,
and he was the apple of my dad's eye.
[DJ] Aww!
What? I thought we were doing a thing.
Me and Chapman have a yearly bet
on the game, and I've never won it.
Ooh, what are the stakes?
Well, it started pretty basic.
-Ah, shit.
-[laughs]
See you at the pool, dick chest.
[Ben] But over the years,
the bets have become more creative.
Can you change me?
Pwetty pwease?
Ga-ga, goo-goo.
So I think you all know
what the biker did to me next.
-He kicked your ass?
-No, he changed my diaper on the bar.
But this year,
I got Chapman right where I want him.
Because this year, I got Matty.
And you guys. You guys are great.
Especially when you pass to Matty.
So I tell Michael not to pay him.
What are they gonna do? Kill your dad?
Guess who's meetin' me for a drink?
Damian Chapman!
Chapman? No!
Chapman? He's coming here?
Crap! My eyebrows are a mess!
-I'm right here, man.
-Damian!
-Barry!
-[laughs]
It's been way too long!
Let me fire up a steak for you,
you beautiful son of a bitch.
Nah, don't waste your meat, man.
I'm gonna destroy your son's honor,
then I gotta jet.
Oh, come on.
I'll make it work, you perfect bastard.
[Barry panting]
[Barry] Goddamn, I wish he was my son!
All right, Benji. Let's cut the shit.
Time to figure out this year's bet.
You know, I've decided
I'm gonna go easy on you, Damian.
-I'm gonna give you a break this year.
-You're gonna give me a break?
Dude, I kick your ass every year.
What are you talking about?
Let's keep this year's bet simple.
Here's what I'm thinking
[bell rings]
No, not the slop we serve to our regulars.
This is goddamn Damian Chapman!
Give him the best steak in the house.
Give him the Wagyu!
Yep. That's the bet.
[laughs]
It's official! I got you, you dope!
I got a seven-footer!
I got a seven-foot kid, and he can dunk!
Deal's a deal though.
Too late, you idiot!
Fuck, man! Damn it!
The thing is, Benji,
uh, I just landed twin exchange students
from the Sichuan Province.
Ever heard of it?
Who just so happen to be seven feet tall.
Benji, meet Quan and Li Chin.
[Ben] You gotta be fucking kidding me.
You got double Chins?
Yep. I got double Chins,
and they're playing this Saturday.
-Oh, fuck me. You've got two giants!
-Hm-mm.
I've only got one giant!
And two giants are better than one giant.
I'm fucked!
Hey, now, you're an all-star, Benji.
Hope you don't lose the bet this year.
That's a hilarious burn,
and I don't even know the context.
-I'll take his steak.
-Like hell you will!
-You could never eat Chapman's steak!
-He left.
I'll get it to him. Don't worry.
Dad, I'm fucked.
There's no way I win on Saturday.
Let me ask you something.
Did I come off too needy
when Chapman was here?
[chuckles]
God, that guy gives me the butterflies.
The second I saw Matty,
I thought to myself,
you know, this is the year
I can finally prove to my dad
that I'm a better son than Chapman.
That's why I've been trying
to come up with some plays.
We've been brainstorming ways
to help you all day.
But that, right there, is a weird play.
That's not a play, Marcus.
I was running out of ideas,
and I got bored, so I just drew a dick.
Shouldn't it have more hair?
Yeah, you're right. It should.
More hair on the balls.
Couple of hairs on the shaft
for good luck.
Coach, I know how to solve this.
I know what you're gonna say.
I need to draw veins on the dick.
You're not wrong. Very smart.
Totally. Yeah, that.
But also, I was gonna say
you can't lose the bet
if you don't lose the game,
and you can't lose a game
that you don't play.
Speak English, Isaac.
This isn't your bar mitzvah.
What I'm trying to say is,
there is no game
if the teachers go on strike.
But if there's a strike,
there's no school.
How am I gonna learn?
-Put a sock in it!
-Shut up, Marcus!
-You geek!
-Marcus, take a lap.
You don't have the authority
to tell me to do that.
He's right.
DJ, stay in your fucking lane, tits.
But Marcus, also, go take a lap.
[Marcus panting]
Isaac, you're right.
I'm a natural-born leader.
I can certainly rile up
some of these yahoos and start a strike.
All right. Now, step one:
let's draw some veins on this dick.
Anybody got a blue marker?
Lenwood teachers,
I know we're all frustrated
with the negotiations,
but the union position is
we are not going to strike.
It's not fair to the kids.
[Ben] Oh, who gives a shit about the kids?
Kids come and go.
This is about our needs. Am I right?
[all gasp]
Well, this is a different energy.
The school board thinks we're weak.
Well, I think we're the opposite of weak.
-Strong!
-Thank you, Ron.
I believe in the people in this room.
I believe in you, Lonnie.
Really?
-I believe in you, Ron.
-You never told me that before.
And I also believe in you, Myrtle.
-My name's Julia, asshole.
-Don't care!
Are you even in the union?
I've never seen you here before.
Am I in the union? Ha!
I own the fucking union.
No. I mean, have you paid your dues?
Are you still talking?
You're done, lady. I'm taking over.
I think it's time we get loud
and get what we want.
Who's with Ms. Same Ol' Same Ol'?
And who's with me?
[all] Yay!
Go, Coach!
This guy just throws out the rule book.
You're fucking A, right, I do!
I say strike!
Strike!
[all chanting] Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
-What do we want?
-[all] Everything!
-When do we want it?
-[all] Now!
Well, after Saturday, at least.
[all shouting and chanting]
Strike! Strike!
What the hell happened to my favor?
Well, I did you a better favor.
I told the strikers
not to set your car on fire.
Unions are fucking awesome, by the way.
Please, Ben, you can't strike.
I'm gonna be doing paperwork all by myself
in that creepy building.
I'm telling you, that place is haunted.
That fucking ghost of Lenwood High.
This again?
Opal, you're crazy.
That kid stabbed himself.
In the back?
He was depressed.
Opal, you gotta stop watching
so many horror movies.
They're not real. You just walk in there
like the boss lady that you are,
and you'll be just fine.
Thank you, Ben. You're sweet.
I got ya. I love ya.
[Ben through megaphone] Fuck you, scab!
[all chanting] Scab! Scab!
Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab!
Damn it!
This teachers' strike means Ben's
not gonna get his ass kicked by Chapman.
I was excited to see what their bet was.
He couldn't get Ben pregnant, could he?
[chuckles] Although, if anyone
could get a man pregnant, it's Chapman.
Wait. Did you say
the teachers are on strike?
Yeah, and now I don't know
when I'm gonna be able
to give Chapman his steak.
Ron never mentioned a strike.
Huh? Oh, sweetie. [chuckles]
You sound like me.
My seven ex-wives all said
that I didn't listen to 'em
or support 'em or, um
I don't know.
Something else. I didn't catch it all.
Just because I didn't know
my boyfriend was on strike
does not mean I'm not supportive.
Well, do you try to be involved
with the stuff that he's into?
Uh, sure, I do.
[Shannon grunts]
Oh, I got that, baby.
Thank you for coming today.
Of course. I care about you, Ron.
I've made that abundantly clear.
Oh, I know that, baby.
Then why didn't you tell me
about the strike?
Oh, I think I mentioned it
when we were at dinner,
and later that night,
when we were on the couch,
and when we were in bed, and
Oh, this morning,
when I was making cardboard signs,
and you were like,
"Why are you making cardboard signs?"
Right.
[teachers chanting and shouting]
Who's in charge here?
Hi, Rance.
I know this looks quite intense,
but I am eager to sit down
and sort it all out with you.
Hey! She's not in charge anymore!
This is me. This is all me now.
Ah! Coach Hopkins.
I recognize you
from all the parental complaint hearings.
I didn't realize you were involved
in these negotiations.
Of course I'm involved
in all these negotiations.
I've put my time in. I've paid my dues.
Not literally.
I just found out about those.
But if you wanna talk to somebody,
you'll be talking to me, Ranch.
It is Rance, and that is fine.
As long as you are prepared
to discuss all the finer points in detail.
Then Ms. Henderson is coming, too,
you slippery fuck.
Your move.
I truly don't care.
We booked a conference room
at the Lenwood Inn and Suites,
and if we do not use it,
I lose the points.
We're gonna strike
for as long as this takes.
For sure till Sunday.
[all cheering and whooping]
Wait. Why Sunday?
-[megaphone interference]
-OK, everybody.
Coach says we should keep marching.
He's taking a little break
'cause his feet hurt,
but we should keep marching.
Wait a second.
What the hell are we doing out here?
The school's empty.
We can do whatever we want in there.
Hell, yeah. That's right!
Let's fuckin' do it!
Let's fuckin' tear this shit apart,
motherfucker!
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
They do whatever they want ♪
With no teachers around ♪
♪Take a big shit and not flush it down ♪
Look at Mrs. Henderson's personal pics ♪
Holy shit
She's got a folder full of dicks ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision ♪
But there's kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision ♪
But there's kids in school ♪
Smoking cigs ♪
In the teachers' lounge ♪
Light shit on fire ♪
'Cause no teacher's around ♪
Spray-paint bad words ♪
On the wall ♪
Then piss on the words
'Cause they broke the stall ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
Kids in school ♪
No supervision
But there's kids in school ♪
Dumbass strike paperwork.
Gonna punch him in the neck.
That fucking
crooked-teeth-having jack-o'-lantern.
Whoa!
The ghost of Lenwood High!
I told that motherfucker it was real.
[panting]
[Opal] Oh!
Oh, hell no. Opal out!
[Opal screaming]
[teachers chatting]
Riling up this crowd takes a lot outta ya.
You know the difference
between you and me, Henderson?
I make this look good.
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I just got off the phone with Rance,
and I think I owe you an apology.
It's over. They've agreed to our demands!
What do you mean?
I didn't agree to anything.
I didn't even make all my demands
to Ranch yet.
This can't end till Sunday at least.
We got dental, class size,
even a serious bump to our pensions!
Bor Ah, shit!
We're not done striking. Not yet!
Teachers of Lenwood, I have news!
Coach fucked everything up?
Actually, thanks to the new energy
that Coach Hopkins brought to the table,
the board caved!
With your agreement,
we plan to tell them--
To fuck off!
There it is.
This is a first offer,
and I'll never accept it.
You know what I do with first offers?
I piss on first offers!
I said I piss on first offers!
Come on, Little Coach.
Don't get stage fright now.
How's it going over there, Hopkins?
Could everybody just look away?
Maybe run some water?
This could take a second.
Stop staring at me, Lonnie.
Don't feel bad, buddy.
I can't go in front of anyone.
I'm a stall guy too.
Full disclosure? I sit.
Oh, I know it!
You leave that toilet seat
hotter than the hood of a Buick in July.
You're welcome, buddy.
It's too bad the Bridgeport game
is canceled 'cause of the strike.
-Coulda won that bet.
-What are you talking about?
Chapman's got double Chins.
Take that back!
Chapman's the most perfect man
I've ever seen.
No, I'm talking about the Chin twins.
They woulda kicked our asses.
I heard they're out this week.
Some car accident.
There's an article about it
-in the Bridgeport Daily.
-Huh?
[Ben] "Chin Twins' Car Spins"?
-They might need spinal pins.
-They're hurt?
So now Chapman has no giants,
and I got one giant?
We can win this!
But buddy, there's no game
because of the strike.
Not a problem, Kirk, my man.
I was born to negotiate.
Good morning, lovely school board.
Where is Ms. Henderson?
We'd rather deal with her.
Oh, I think you'll find
that I'm a lot easier to deal with.
The good news is,
is I'm here to end the strike
and accept all your terms.
Why would you do that?
For the kids!
We gotta get 'em back to school.
Not to mention extracurricular activities
like team sports and
sports.
I got the contract right here.
Is that urine?
Oh, it's just a little dribble.
I could barely go.
If I'm honest, I might be a stall guy.
So we doing this?
That contract is off the table.
Why? It's literally on the table.
Come on. I'm not leaving without a deal.
Look, who do I gotta blow
to get this done?
Huh?
[eerie music]
[laughter and shouting]
You just get out here and show yourself!
Let's end this!
[door opens]
Opal, chill out.
Jesus, Matty!
You're gonna give me a heart attack.
What are you doing in here?
School's closed.
Well, it turns out I actually like school.
I just hate it when there's people.
Why are you wearing a graduation gown?
I was cold,
and this was the only thing laying around.
Plus, I may never get the chance
to wear one of these things.
Fucking Lonnie.
Did you hear those men laughing
like lunatics?
No, I was in Coach's classroom
watching Impractical Jokers.
They did this one bit on a cruise ship,
and boy, did they think it was funny.
OK. Well, that's explained.
There was also a locker rattling
like it was possessed.
[banging]
I got you, Opal.
[tense music]
[teachers clamoring]
[Barry] All right.
Here you go. Some for you.
-Here.
-Steak sandwiches?
Sensational!
Thanks for supporting the strike,
Mr. Steakhouse.
Shannon bought 'em all for the teachers.
And my last name's not Steakhouse,
big boy.
Ooh, sweet!
Two-day-old Wagyu! My favorite.
Oh, not so fast!
This one is for the coolest man I know
[chuckles]
Chapman. I was hoping he'd be here.
Oh, I can't believe Shannon sent these.
She's really taking an active interest
in my life all of a sudden.
Word to the wise
when the end is near,
they start trying to "get to know you."
At least, that's what happened
to number three.
And number five. Same person. [laughs]
Carol never learned.
Oh, no.
I mean, Shannon knows everything about me.
That's why she likes me.
Oh, yeah?
What does she like about you exactly?
Oh, she likes
that I don't shout in public.
She likes
that I don't take sleeping pills.
She likes that I've never thrown a chair.
I mean, I could go on and on.
Oh, so she likes that you're not Ben.
Ooh, snap!
OK, quiet down. Quiet down!
I made a deal.
What did we get?
I don't wanna get bogged down
in the specifics.
I'm sure other people have questions,
Lonnie, so please stop hogging.
[shouting] We agree
with Lonnie's question!
OK, I got us almost everything we had
before the strike.
What about class sizes?
They agreed to make them smaller, right?
No, we're gonna keep the size
the way it is. The more the merrier.
What else? What else? What else?
Oh, yeah. They're not comfortable
with dental, so
That's a worse deal
than the one they initially offered.
Why are there two megaphones?
Someone take away her megaphone.
[booing]
[Julia] You sold us out!
[Lonnie] Called it.
[Henderson] Let's get this son of a bitch!
-[Lonnie] He's getting away!
-[Ben panting] Holy shit!
[teachers shouting]
[grunts]
[banging]
Unbelievable.
Tells me he's gonna take care of it,
but then drags me with him.
Would you stop mumbling about me so much?
Asking me to stop mumbling about him.
How does that lanky motherfucker
even hear me up there?
Just stand back.
I'm gonna open this damn locker.
All right. Here we go.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Opal] Oh, my God!
-Kill it!
-No, Opal! No! It's just Bryan.
[Opal] You see him too?
He asked me to let him out of here
after the bullies went home,
but that was a week ago.
Shit. I forgot. Sorry, Bryan.
[sighs] I'm just relieved
this was all in my head.
[banging]
-Uh, well, that is not in your head.
-[banging continues]
You got this, Principal Opal.
It's all you. You show 'em who's boss.
Thanks, Matty.
[clears throat]
Game on, motherfuckers!
[banging]
Argh!
Argh!
It's got fangs!
Save me, Opie!
Go to hell, you monster fuck!
Argh! You hit me in the mouth!
I feel
amazing!
Who needs dental when you have Opal?
Hey
Um, be honest with me, Shannon.
Is this relationship just a rebound?
No! No!
It's not a rebound at all.
Ben took a shot, he missed,
and I landed in your arms.
That is not a rebound.
OK, good. Just making sure.
I give 'em three more weeks.
That's longer than your fourth marriage,
Mr. Steakhouse.
[chuckles] You're not wrong, big boy.
You're not wrong.
It's our time to shine, boys.
Chapman is screwed. His giants are dead.
They're not actually dead.
They're in a coma.
Either way, it's great news!
Hey, there's the loser now.
By the way, Coach, what's the bet?
You never told us.
[chuckles] You'll see, Matty.
Let's just say it's something
that'll be with him the rest of his life.
Uh, Coach?
[rock music playing]
[music stops]
What the hell?
I thought they weren't playing.
Uh-huh. 'Course you did.
I planted that Bridgeport article
because I knew you'd fall for it
and end the strike.
You evil genius!
Chapman! Goddamn, I wish he was my son!
What's that?
It's the steak I owe you, big knucklehead,
from three and a half days ago.
Yeah, I'm not gonna eat that.
[sighs] I guess it's your lucky day,
huh, big boy?
God bless you, Mr. Steakhouse.
Mmm-mm!
[laughing]
Mmm-mmm!
Ah, who knows?
Maybe we could still beat 'em.
[whistle blows]
-[crowd cheering]
-[buzzer]
[buzzing]
Wait. You want all the lyrics
to Smash Mouth's "All Star"?
-That'll take up your whole back.
-Exactly! [laughs]
It's not gonna fit.
I'm gonna have to write
"All that glitters is gold"
in his ass crack.
[laughs]
Argh! Oh, God!
My home is in Kentucky ♪
And that is where I'll die ♪
I hope it's soon ♪
'Cause I presume ♪
It's all a waste of time ♪