Horrible Histories (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy stewards, # Vile Victorians, woeful wars, ferocious fights, # Dingy Castles, daring knights! # Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians # Vicious Vikings, cruel crime, piles of stuff from ancient times # Romans, rotten rank and ruthless, # Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless # Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and misery middle ages # Gory stories, we do that # And your host a talking rat # The past is no longer a mystery # Welcome to Horrible Histories! # Terrible Tudors.
Our Tudor Queen, Elizabeth I, liked to think that she was very beautiful, but she wasn't really much of a looker.
Oh Yea! magazine has all the gossip from Elizabethan times.
We've got the pictures they didn't want you to see.
She wanted her portraits burned because she looked ugly, but we have them.
Queen Elizabeth I as you've never seen her before.
Big spot on the neck.
Should've covered that up, ma'am.
Urgh, sweaty pits, even though Liz has four baths a year, yes, four whole baths a year.
Oh, dear, your majesty, you really shouldn't have caught smallpox.
You've got more craters than the moon! Ugh, look at the rotten gob! Don't smile, your Royal Ugliness! Saint Catherine of Sienna's diet revealed.
Stay thin by drinking leper's pus and water.
All the goss, all the pics, all the Tudor tittle-tattle, only in this week's Oh Yea! Tudor medicine wasn't exactly brilliant.
When Queen Elizabeth caught smallpox, a disease that often killed people, her doctors thought the best cure would be to wrap her up in a lovely red blanket.
She did live, but uh, somehow I don't think the blanket had a lot to do with it.
The doctor's on his way now.
Um, he looks a bit odd.
Oh, yes, well he's on loan to us from the Tudor era.
Ahh! Greetings sir, what ails thee this day? Touch of the plague? No.
Demonic possession? No.
Small dragon living in the stomach? No, of, of course not.
I've got a blister on my thumb and was a bit worried about it.
Worry no more! We Tudors have great experience in the field of medicine.
All I need to do is put aburning hot plaster on the skin to draw out the blister.
Argh, that burns! You idiot! Mmm, yes.
The scorching plaster has caused redness of the skin, but worry not, we shall sort that out Nice and sharp.
Need to make several cuts, here.
Argh! Here.
Argh! And here.
Argh! Ooh.
Let some of the blood out.
Oh, I feel a bit faint.
Ooh, yes, well, you do look a little pale.
Well, don't worry, a few sips of this will sort you out.
What is it? Eh, it's beer.
Mixed in with some lice.
Ooh, yes.
Ah, now some of the lice seem to be making a home in your hair, but don't worry, the cure for that is very simple, we just need to wash your hair in tobacco juice.
Just like that.
Aah.
Ah, now.
That's odd.
The tobacco juice seems to have caused some baldness.
Uh, don't worry, we Tudors have a cure for that, too.
Simply smear the affected area in fox grease.
Yes.
Argh! What are you doing? Get off! Watch out for the fox grease on the floor.
Oh, my head.
Ugh.
Ooh, that does look nasty.
Don't worry, give you something for the pain.
Now that is a combination of hemlock and opium.
It's a great painkiller, although sadly it does act as a strong poison if I give you too much, which is quite likely, so you may suffer some ill effects, such as death.
Oh Mmm.
I only came inwith a blister! Ah, dead.
Right, who's next? Groovy Greeks.
We Greeks were great at making up stories.
So good, in fact, that sometimes it's difficult to tell if they really happened or not, like this one, the story of Helen of Troy.
Ancient Sparta and the King has news for his daughter, Helen of Troy.
Daughter, it is time to choose a husband from all the Kings and the Princes of Greece.
Yeah, whatever, I'll have that one.
Menelaus of Sparta is chosen.
Sweet as a nut, mate.
Yes! Helen and Menelaus were married the next week.
Helen, you is well fit.
Your face could launch a thousand ships, yeah? What, what is that supposed to mean? I think I've married an idiot.
But then another suitor turned up.
Sorry I'm late, yeah.
I Paris, Prince of Troy, I'm here for the husband choosing.
You is too late, yeah? This ship has already sailed and it's mine.
Captain Menelaus.
Wow! That Paris, he is well fit.
Menelaus won't mind if I run away to Troy with Paris, he'll forget about me in like no time.
But Menelaus didn't forget about Helen.
Listen up yeah, I want all us Greek soldiers to march on Troy, ya get me? We're gonna tear that city up! Kill them all, is it? Yeah, it is.
Meanwhile, in Troy Whoops.
Uh, sorry.
Started a war.
Urgh.
Ha ha! Oh Menelaus has bought a huge army to take you back to Greece, yeah? He's surrounded Troy.
We is going to war.
Oh.
Oh, you boys.
Honestly.
Ha-ha! The war lasts for ten long years.
Ugh, bored now.
Oh.
Helen, I got well bad news.
Paris is dead.
Which one's he again? My brother, the Prince.
That bloke you ran off with? The reason for this ten year war? Oh, yeah, I remember.
All Helen has to do to end the war and thousands of lives, is go back to her husband Menelaus.
What will she do? Ooh, you is well fit.
Do you fancy getting married? If you like.
Me name's Diephobus by the way.
Whatever.
Friends call me Phoby.
Don't really care.
It was to be a short marriage.
All right Menelaus, what is up, boo? I has destroyed Troy, Paris is dead, Deus, Deus, that one is dead as well and it's all cos of you, girl.
What you got to say for yourself? Ugh.
Ooh, you're really fit when you're angry.
Do you fancy getting back together again? Yeah.
What am I like? Aha! So, that's the story of Helen of Troy.
For years she and Paris were safe inside the city of Troy.
Menelaus and his Greek army couldn't get inside its huge walls, but then they came up with a nifty idea, why not use a horse? No, stupid, they didn't jump the walls, they built a huge wooden one and they hid inside it.
Ha.
Imagine that.
Wibble wobble, wibble wobble.
This is unbelievable, unbelievable, I mean this will never work.
It'll work.
It's brilliant.
It's ridiculous.
We've been at war with Troy for ten years, ten years we've tried to get in the city walls? Right.
Suddenly this morning they're gonna think "Oh, they've gone home.
They've given up"? Yes.
A massive wooden horse, big enough to comfortably hide 100 Greek soldiers.
I didn't say comfortably.
What are the Trojans gonna think? "Oh, they've left us a present.
"I know, let's drag it inside the city walls and all go to bed.
" Like I said, it's brilliant.
There's someone coming.
Whoa.
A massive wooden horse.
'Well, that is odd.
' Any sign of the Greeks? Uh, no sir.
Best guess, they just suddenly decided to pack up and go home, leaving a massive wooden horse, like a gift, say sorry for all the killing and that.
Oh, well that's really nice.
Yeah.
Although it could be some sort of a trap, you know what Greeks are like.
Yeah.
Well, the way I see it, we've got two options here, either we assume it is a trap andMmm hmm.
Or we say look, this is just a nice, if completely weird present, and drag it inside the city walls, leave it unguarded and go to bed.
My mum always taught me to try and see the best in people, sir.
Quite right.
All right, let's drag it inside.
Come on soldier.
Can't believe it worked.
I told you.
I thought of everything, there's nothing can go wrong.
PFRRRRT! Flatulus.
Oh, you're an animal.
The story of the wooden horse has a happy ending, us Greeks got inside Troy and slaughtered all the Trojans.
Ah.
Well, it was happy ending for us Greeks, anyway.
Measly Middle Ages.
The answer is B, a knight would give the baby its first feed from the tip of his sword.
Oh, I can't.
Otherwise we can't catch them.
Posh knights like that love to go jousting, but us poor peasants couldn't afford the horses and stuff.
So instead, we went jousting on ice.
Hi, and welcome to That Was Entertainment, the show that takes mass entertainment of the past and recreates it in modern day.
I'm Bradley Huxtable and as always I'm joined by my esteemed panel of judges.
You want to see good family entertainment? Well, you won't find it here, because tonight we're recreating Jousting on ice.
APPLAUSE That's right.
When the River Thames froze over in the Middle Ages, peasants used to joust on it, just like knights, only without armour and with ice skates instead of horses.
It was dangerous, it was deadly, it was great entertainment, if you're a Medieval peasant.
APPLAUSE We've kitted these two out in skates made from animal bone.
Now they're gonna skate at each other as fast as they can and ram each other using these lethal poles.
Sounds risky? Well, that's because it is.
It's time to meet our judges.
Kate, what's your thoughts on tonight's joust, love? Oh, I think it's going to be great.
Yes.
Antonio?I think it's gonna be rubbish.
And Jeremy, love? I think someone's gonna get hurt real bad.
Well, let's see.
It's a game where anything can happen, but only one thing will happen, two players will be seriously injured.
It's time to recreate Medieval jousting on ice! Wow, I think, I think a round of applause for our contestants there, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, that's Medieval jousting for you.
He's lost his eye.
What a sport though, ladies and gentlemen.
Right, well, Kate, what did you think of that? I'm going to give it eight out of ten, because I think that's his chances of surviving.
Antonio.
Nine out of ten, magnificent.
I wasn't expecting his eye to fly out.
Mmm.
I think it landed round here somewhere, you guys.
Well, there you have it.
And remember, don't try any ice jousting at home kids, unless you're a Medieval peasant or a complete idiot.
Well, that's all for this week.
We'll be back next week, but until then it's ta-ta from my panel.
Say ta-ta panel.
ALL: Ta-ta.
And ta-ta from me.
Ta-ta.
Ta-ta! Anyway, peasants pong.
Urgh.
Woeful Second World War.
In Britain there was a real shortage of lots of stuff because of the war, so things like food and clothes had to be rationed.
Time again for our fairytale series, where the stories are retold in different historical settings.
Today, Cinderella.
The World War II version.
And Cinderella was left all alone to clean the house, while her ugly sisters went to Prince Charming's Ball in beautiful dresses.
Cinderella was so sad she spoke out loud.
I wish I was going to the ball in a beautiful dress.
And suddenly her fairy godmother appeared.
Cinderella, you have been a good, honest girl your whole life.
You deserve that dress.
There was a puff of smoke and when it cleared Sadly, due to World War II rationing, there aren't any new dresses, so you'll just have to make do.
Please, Fairy Godmother, can't you use your magic? And there was another flash of smoke.
Had the fairy godmother used her magic to make Cinderella a dress? No, the house had been hit by a German bomb.
Still, due to the bombing raid there was a blackout in force, so the Ball was cancelled anyway.
Get sweeping, ugly.
The end.
It's true! Women couldn't go around in posh frocks during the war.
They had to get creative, repairing old dresses or making new ones, out of curtains.
And that's not all, check this out.
Just because the Second World War's on doesn't mean a girl can't have wonderful legs.
That's why I wear gravy stockings.
Thanks to the war, imported luxuries are in short supply, but don't worry because new gravy stockings look just like the real thing.
See? You can't even spot the difference! Just boil down some old cow bones, smear it on your legs, poo, and you too will look good enough to eat.
Why not use eyeliner to draw a seam down the back? And they'll look even more like the real thing.
And they can last for up to a month, as long as it doesn't rain.
So look good enough to eat, with new gravy stockings.
Under no circumstances should gravy stockings be worn anywhere near dogs.
BARKING Argh! Awful Egyptians.
Many Ancient Egyptian Pharaohs were buried in huge pyramids.
Obviously, Pharaohs didn't buy their pyramids off estate agents.
But imagine what it would have been like if they had.
And this room you are just going to love, Mighty Pharaoh.
Very impressive.
So basically this is the main living area.
Mmm hmm.
For when you're dead.
So I suppose it's the non living area.
Oh, it's nice.
Yeah and it's fitted with everything you could possibly want in the afterlife.
There's a luxury coffin, king-size of course, and an en-suite toilet.
Will I need a toilet? They will take out my intestines when they turn me into a mummy.
Well, all the best pyramids have them.
Mmm, I suppose.
Mmm.
Now, there aren't any rats in here are there? I can't abide rats.
I can assure you, Mrs Pharaoh, the only rats in here are mummified.
Ah, yeah.
Well, uh, that'll give something for the cats to chase, won't it? Meow, meow.
Hmm mmm, yes.
Isn't it lovely?Hmm? Well, I'm glad you like it, after all when I die they'll bury you in here with me, alive.
Ooh, you're so romantic.
Oh.
Through there there's a servants wing, with plenty of room for the staff that'll be slaughtered to look after you in the afterlife.
Including the royal bottom wiper? Especially the royal bottom wiper.
Excellent.
Just one final question.
Yeah, fire away.
What's crime like in this area? I've heard there a few tomb raiders knocking about.
Your untold riches are more than safe here, my illustrious Pharaoh.
Mmm.
All the entrance passageways are a complex maze of dead end corridors, secret sliding keystones and trap doors.
Nobody is getting in here.
Ah well, it's just Yeah.
Happy? Mmm.
OK, we'll take it.
Yeah.
Super.
Right this way.
Uh, no, no.
No, I know what I'm doing, huh, the secret sliding keystone is here somewhere.
Oh, oh, or was it the trapdoor, huh? Ye, oh, oh, no, no, the ceiling.
Uh, oh, huh.
No, obviously pyramids weren't really sold by estate agents, but the rest is 100% accu-rat.
The pyramids were fitted with loads of clever devices to stop robbers nicking the treasure.
Hmm.
So do you know what the robbers did? They started nicking the treasure before it was put in the pyramids in the first place.
Clever robbers.
Hmm.
The answer is A, he had the head of a baboon.
The Ancient Egyptians had some really weird looking gods, like this lot.
Greetings, I am Thoth, Egyptian god of wisdom.
You are Thoth, Egyptian god of looking stupid more like.
Well, that's rich coming from you, dogface.
How dare you, bird brain! I am Anubis, Egyptian God of the Dead.
Look, let's be honest, neither of us exactly lucked out in the looks department.
Yes, true.
Having a dog's head is so embarrassing, I can't resist sniffing people's bottoms.
I know just how you guys feel.
I am Sobek, Egyptian God of the Waterways.
I eat rotten flesh.
Urgh, your breath stinks.
Why don't you brush your teeth? I've got hundreds of them, it would take forever.
It's tough being an Egyptian god.
Sure is.
Huh, poor us.
You lot don't know you're born.
I'm the Devourer.
I prowl the afterlife, eating the wicked, urgh, and I get saddled with the nose of a crocodile, the head of a lion and a hippo's bum.
Hippo bum, hippo bum.
Hippo bum, hippo bum.
Ha ha.
Guys, do I need to remind you that my job is to devour the wicked? We should probably shut up then.
That would be wise.
Well, I am the god of wisdom.
Urgh.
Sorry, the wicked give me terrible wind.
Vile Victorians.
In Victorian London all the tap water came from the River Thames.
Unfortunately, all the sewers emptied straight into it as well.
Imagine that.
Ugh.
Mabel, have you washed your face? Yes.
No you haven't, now go on, do it properly.
Now.
Yes, Mother.
There, that's much better.
Good girl.
That's right, tap water came from the Thames, which was so full of everyone's poo that it really, really stank.
Pooey.
It was so smelly that the problem was actually discussed here, in Parliament.
I wonder what that meeting was like.
Morning everyone.
Morning sir.
What's this meeting in aid of then? You know I hate coming into Parliament.
Well, we thought it might be time to address the problem of the smell.
What smell's that then? Don't you remember sir, before the clothes pegs? Before the clo Oh, yes, I remember now.
So, where's it coming from? Uh, well at first we thought it might be Lawson.
Oh, of course.
But it turns out it's It would seem that if you pump loads and loads of raw sewage into a river then, uh, that river begins to smell of raw sewage.
Don't blind me with science, man, just tell me what we're going to do about it.
Perhaps you'd like to start Mr Lawson.
Yes, well, the problem is the hot summer, you see, the sun is baking all of the sewage in the river and it's starting to smell like, well, baked sewage.
So uh, my suggestion is destroy the sun.
You're fired, Lawson.
Next.
Um, keep wearing pegs on our noses? Excellent.
Well, thanks for coming everyone.
With respect Minister, I don't think this is a problem we can just let continue.
I have heard it suggested that the cholera epidemic is in some way linked to the smell from the Thames.
In what way? Perhaps getting your tap water from a river you're pumping all your sewage into is in some way unhealthy.
Oh, oh, I'd fire you if you weren't so terribly funny.
No, no, wait, wait a minute.
I think I've just had an idea.
Why don't we coat all the curtains in the building in chloride of lime, then the fumes would overwhelm the stench from the river.
Will that solve the problem? No, but it'll stop it from bothering us.
Good enough.
Make it happen.
Finished sir? Ah yes, that's better.
Finally, we're rid of that awful smell of PFRRRRT! Best be on the safe side, do Lawson's trousers while you're at it.
# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts # Ugly Truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits # Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel # Stuff they don't teach you at school # The past is no longer a mystery # Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #