Hot In Cleveland s01e07 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Mel Your taxi is here.
Coming Oh puppy tails! Melanie, please.
Language.
Is that what you're wearing on the plane? Mm.
Someone's looking to get bumped to first class.
No, as soon as I get to New York I have to rush straight to Jenna's play.
I'm not gonna have time to change.
That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.
Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.
Yes, I know, But Jenna set me up with one of her friend's fathers, And we're going out to dinner after.
Oh, in that case, chips ahoy! - Bye.
- Have a safe flight.
Oh, what did she forget now? - Hello.
- Hello.
Uh, is Elka here? Nick? Oh, hi.
I believe you left this behind At the dance, princess.
Well, I had to rush off when the clock struck 9:00.
Yeah, well could we talk? Oh, sure.
I'll be right out.
Oh, well, it's a little cold and damp What's going on here? I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.
I did.
But then Nick asked me to dance, And one thing led to another.
You cheated on Max? Twice.
First a waltz, and then a polka.
That's it? You danced? A polka! The polish forbidden dance of love.
I'm gonna go out there And tell him it was just one of those things.
No.
No swinging.
Oh, you're not a swinger? I feel guilty enough already.
I had fun last night but I'm engaged to Max.
Yeah, Max is my friend too, you know.
But last night, when we were dancing, You can't deny you felt a spark.
Well, orthopedic shoes on soft carpet * I wanna polka, I wanna polka * * I wanna polka * Oh, no! It's happening again! Let's get naked.
Oh, stop it.
All right, you win.
I'm gonna go.
But I'm not giving up.
'cause faint heart never won fair maiden.
Oh, boy! There's my pacemaker.
Probably telling me I'm overstimulated.
Oh, baby.
Jenna, you were brilliant! I got applause! I did, right? I mean, it wasn't just you clapping like a maniac? Hey, I wasn't even clapping.
I was too busy yelling, "that's my daughter!" Weird, I thought I heard some man yelling it too.
I did too.
But dad said he couldn't make it Because Kim had a yoga emergency.
Yeah, well Whatever that is.
And frankly, I'm glad.
Because I'm not quite prepared To run into your father right now.
Well, then this is awkward.
Hello, Anders.
Thank you.
Who are they for? There's no name.
Probably from my stalker.
I see he got your change of address card.
"to the girl with more curves than the Medina freeway.
" They're for me.
From Nick.
He's the poet.
That's poetry? What does it say on your flowers? So Nick is not gonna take no for an answer, huh? No.
I've never been in a triangle before.
You girls are slutty, what would you do? Geometry's more Victoria's specialty.
She's been in triangles, squares.
Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but At the last minute, the twins dropped out, so.
- Hi.
- Hey, how did it go? Well, Jenna rocked, and Anders and I made out.
See, slutty.
Anders was there? You kissed Anders? How did this happen and where was Kim? Oh, Kim didn't show, and my date never happened.
And then Anders and I took Jenna out to dinner, And then we met up for drinks afterwards, And before knew it all these little, old feelings Snuck up on me and just blindsided me.
Bloody feelings, spoil everything.
I know this sounds crazy, But you know those dumb romantic comedies That I love so much? Well, I felt like I was in the middle of one.
I could just hear the announcer "sometimes the one you're looking for Is the one that was there all along.
" "only the biggest hearts can love more than one.
" "she mastered the craft of acting, And then the art of loving.
" I'm ashamed to be a woman.
Listen, fooling around with exes Is a perfectly natural and often beautiful part Of every relationship.
I've slept with all of mine.
- Even the gay one? - Yes.
He was questioning his questioning of his sexuality.
But as soon as we hit the sheets, We got into a discussion about thread count, And well, game over.
Melanie, what have I told you about romantic movies? That they're never as good as their trailers.
Yes, and that they have nothing to do with real life.
It was one makeout session, it's over, forget about him.
It's Anders.
"I need to see you again.
" Write back "no.
" And put one of those frowny faces with the angry eyes.
I'm texting him back, "I'm not sure.
" I'm gonna have to think about this.
"while I'm waiting, can I use your bathroom?" Anders, this is crazy.
You're engaged to Kim.
Well, truth is, we've been having some problems.
Ha! Typical.
He breaks up with his bimbo, Then comes running back to Melanie.
That's just morally wrong.
I say we kill him.
We can't do anything now.
I mean, we're in girlfriend purgatory.
If we tell her to dump him And they end up getting remarried, Then we're screwed.
But if we don't say anything And he ends up breaking her heart again, We're screwed.
God.
I miss you, Melanie.
And I miss us.
Well, there are times that, you know, I miss you too.
But Oh, okay.
One dinner wouldn't hurt, right? We're screwed.
Screwed, stewed, and tattooed.
That's from a Tennessee William's play.
I played Esmeralda in summer stock.
You know, I didn't think You'd be able to make this about yourself.
I underestimated you.
Oh, joy.
I just had the scare of my life.
Did you get dressed under overhead lighting again? Yes, and I'm thinking about Getting the plans out again for Victoria 2.
0.
And I need you to either talk me into it or out of it.
No sag, visible ribbage, mm.
Hey, people eat in here! Don't you have a house of your own? I need advice.
Both Max and Nick have invited me To the senior center luau tonight.
What time is the luau? Dinnertime.
So go to the luau with one, And meet the other after for a nightcap.
Thank you, I'll stay home.
Yeah, but that's the opposite of what I said.
I know.
I've seen your love life.
Oh, sugar foot! I always trip on that gosh darn step.
Ugh, it's like a Mamet play in here.
Okay, I need your help.
Do you guys think Mirabella's Is too romantic a place for a lunch with Anders? Why is everyone always asking us for romantic advice? Yeah, since when did we become the gay best friend? You guys gotta help me, I'm so confused.
On the one hand, it took me a long time to get over Anders.
Well, then cancel lunch.
But on the other hand, I've always dreamed he'd come crawling back.
Then go.
They make a delicious chocolate mousse for two.
It's probably even better If you have someone to share it with.
You're sending mixed messages.
We're just staying wisely neutral.
Please, just give me something, anything! Okay, whenever I'm considering getting back with an ex, I always try on the wedding ring he gave me.
Oh, and then if you slip it on And it feels right you know? Actually, I go more by how many karats Are bouncing light back into my eyes.
But I'm sure your way would work too.
Mel's not ready.
We're here to stall.
Would you like some wine? Uh, no.
Actually what I could use is some advice.
Hm, again with the advice.
Oh, just embrace it.
Kim and I are getting back together, And I'm flying back to L.
A.
Today, And I don't know how to tell Melanie.
Ah.
I've never kneed a man in his manhood before.
I could get used to it.
- Listen - What did we say about talking? Now I have pointy knees too.
Listen, I've come up with a plan, But I'm gonna need your help.
I have told you before, I am far too recognizable to help you hide a dead body.
What? Sh! We are not gonna let him hurt Melanie again.
Because this time you're gonna let her break up with you.
No, but she doesn't wanna break up with him.
She will when we're done with her.
And you better act sad.
In fact, you better cry.
Or I'll give you something to cry about.
I'm good.
Just wait for my signal.
Oh, I thought I heard voices, Is Anders here? No, it wasn't him.
Child collecting money, some tragedy.
Oh, God, you actually put on the ring? Yeah, I did, and now I can't get it off.
Maybe it's a sign.
It is.
A sign that Anders is the devil and should burn in hell.
What happened to neutral girlfriends? Well, we decided that we owe you better than that.
The neutral is the one color that I cannot play.
You don't need Anders anymore.
The old Melanie may have needed him, But the new Melanie is fabulous, confident, and independent.
- I have changed.
- Yes.
What hasn't changed is Anders.
Now he cheated on you, And now he's cheating on Kim with you.
The new Melanie deserves far better than the old Anders.
- Ooh, that's good.
- Thank you.
I mean she's right.
I didn't think of it that way.
He is still cheating, isn't he? He hasn't changed at all, but I have changed.
- We just said that.
- Shut up.
So whenever he gets here By the way, what kind of a guy keeps you waiting? You know what you have to do, right? Yeah, I guess.
I do wanna move forward, not backward.
Ah! Perfect timing.
Okay, now stay strong and stick to your guns.
This is gonna be really hard.
Or incredibly easy.
Who can say? Ah.
- Good-bye, Anders.
I really do think this is the best for both of us.
Oh You really do look like you're in a lot of pain.
I can honestly say I am.
What's happening now? She's making some sappy speech And he's overplaying like crazy.
It's like one of those warm moments on glee.
She's coming! Act natural.
Well, I feel terrible.
He was crushed.
Well, better him than you.
So Who's up for mojitos? Ah.
Guys, I know you don't like him, But he was really sincere this time.
I mean, he cried.
I have never seen him cry before.
Maybe he has changed.
Maybe he's new Anders, And new Melanie just made a big mistake.
Noo.
No, no, no, no mistake.
New Melanie, good.
Maybe this is like those movies that I love so much.
And this would be the scene Where I Chase him to the airport And I catch him at the very last minute.
Those movies are stupid.
I mean, by the time you park, get the shuttle, All that running they're just stupid, okay? What if he's so happy to see me He just lifts me up in his arms.
Oh, it'd be so romantic.
I'm going.
Melanie, stop.
Anders and Kim got back together.
What? He didn't know how to tell you, So we made him promise To let you break up with him this time.
So you wouldn't get hurt again.
are you kidding me? How could you guys do this to me? It was all joy's idea.
I just got swept up.
You and I were both innocent pawns in her little game.
Where are you going? To catch him before he gets on that plane! Should we have gone after her? No.
You know how these movies work.
The well-meaning best friends don't show up again Until she marries the right guy, And that's way, way, way at the end of the thing.
One of us winds up dancing with The bride's Randy grandfather, And the other one hooks up with the handsome cater waiter.
- I call the cater waiter.
- Fine.
Oh, did I mention that the Randy grandfather Is a billionaire? Fine.
Did I mention the cater waiter's a secret prince? And did I mention that the grandfather Is aging backwards, like Brad Pitt.
Ooh, Anders! Anders, Anders! Ticketed passengers only, ma'am.
Oh, I know, but that man in the blue shirt and khakis, I gotta get him back.
See, I listened to my girlfriends, And I shouldn't have.
So now I just have to make it right Before he gets on that plane, please.
Wow.
This is just like the last scene In all of those romantic comedies.
Yeah, where time is of the essence.
Jennifer, there's a guy wearing A blue shirt and khakis headed your way, Could you send him back please? Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I just need one more chance to tell him how I feel.
So let me guess.
You worked with him, but you never saw him As the kind of guy you would go out with.
Or or you were complete opposites, Until the stuck-up rich guy you were about to marry Melanie What's going on? Anders, joy and Victoria told me everything.
But before you get on that airplane I really need to tell you how I feel.
You are the biggest [.]
.
You [.]
cheated on me while we were married, And then you used me to cheat on your [.]
fiance Because you don't know what the [.]
you want? You are a selfish [.]
! Who doesn't think about anybody else but himself, So you know what, you can just go [.]
yourself! Really saw that going another way.
Ooh, puppy tails! Oh, hello there, Max.
Is Elka here? She isn't returning my tweets.
Come in.
Hello, I'm looking for a little bit of heaven in a track suit.
Ah.
She should be around here somewhere.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I came to see my girl.
Your girl? Oh, Elka You have company.
Nick, Max, what a colorful surprise.
I told you I wasn't going to the luau.
You've been cheating on me with this putz? Putz? What the heart wants the heart gets, cue ball.
It was one polka.
It was just physical, it didn't mean anything.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have to admit what we have between us Is raw and powerful.
I'll introduce you to raw and powerful.
Put 'em up, if you can still get them up.
- Really, huh? - Come on.
When I get through with you, You're gonna be eating your bran muffin through a straw.
Please, please Fighting isn't gonna help Elka make up her mind.
Sure it is.
Hey! What's going on in here? They're fighting over Elka.
Oh! So what happened with Anders? Ah, it was wonderful.
The old Melanie, she was too nice to let it out.
But the new Melanie, she let it fly.
I dropped the f-bomb, like, 15 times.
I could not be more proud.
- So what did you say.
- Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
The security guard was there, Take the hen party outside, You're ruining my fight.
Come on, guys.
Mix it up.
No, I don't wanna win you in a fight.
You know I want you.
If you wanna be with this shrimp, So be it.
I just want you to be happy.
Oh, Max, that's so you.
And I love that.
- You do? - Of course.
That's why I'm your girl, and always will be.
I'm sorry, Nick.
Yeah, yeah.
That's all right, I gave it my best shot.
Who can blame you? You know, there'll be a whole sea of blue hair At the luau tonight.
How about you just go and dive in? - Uh-oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just picturing it.
Hi, Evelyn.
Love your shirt.
those coconuts real? Excuse me.
Can I get a stick of butter, please? I know you're upset, but let's not go crazy.
I'm not gonna eat it, I can't get this ring off.
Well, I'm glad you told Anders off.
And I hope this cures you of your belief In all that romantic comedy nonsense.
I hear music swelling.
hi.
Is this your wedding ring? Well, it was.
So it's mine now? no, it's complicated.
Well, how about I buy you a drink And you explain it to me? I'd like that.
I'm Melanie.
Nice to meet you, Melanie.
I'm Pete.
Nice to meet you, Pete.
What are you doing? Hey, she caught one by accident, Imagine if we aimed? Unbelievable.
Shut up, I hear music swelling.
Here's your butter.
Enjoy.
Oh, what the hell.
Desperate much?