House of Fools (2014) s01e07 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 # It's Christmas time In this house of mine # I hope it's wearing Some trousers # The years go by And you don't understand # I've been stood In a chestnut brazier # You've been stood in a chestnut brazier? # I've been stood In a chestnut brazier On the banks of the River Tee The River Tee! Step into Christmas with those bulbous Teesside chestnuts.
Yeah.
Oh, I tell you what, Vic, wearing these Christmas party suits, it reminds me of non-uniform day, remember? Yeah, do you remember at school? When it was non-uniform day and we turned up starkers? Remember that? We weren't to know, were we? But it doesn't matter.
Doesn't really matter They couldn't say it mattered.
Not when we're happy.
Yeah, of course, no, I do remember, and they sacked you, which was, I thought was strange.
Because, you know, you WERE the biology teacher, weren't you? Mind you, Vic, tonight Eh? .
.
you look REALLY sophisticated.
I am sophisticated, aren't I? Really Look, see that, look, ask me who I am.
Yeah, sorry, who you are, yeah.
Who are you, mate? My name is James Bond.
JAMES Bond.
Ah? Yeah.
Eh? I will take as many portions of that as you've got.
Go on, have a go, go on.
Can I have a go? Can I have a go? Go and have a go.
Thanks.
You have to be wearing it.
Yeah, you have to be wearing.
You knew that all along, didn't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Bob, follow me.
I'm behind you, sir.
Presenting the Christmas tree! View it at your leisure.
At my leisure, I am viewing, it's astoin-ishing.
It is astoin-ishing, isn't it? Isn't it? Ask me where I got the decorations.
You got it at the garage, didn't you? You know, the giveaway was probably the sponge, but also backed up by the jump leads.
I've got a problem with it, I've got a little bit of a problem with this.
Yeah, what? There's no lights.
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Huh? Watch.
Electric cigarettes from the garage.
Hey, if we could get 30 chain smokers in here, we'd have quite a display, wouldn't we? It can be arranged.
Yeah.
So which garage did you get them from? Well You know I got them at the pop-up garage, Bob.
Yeah.
All the smoking techniques covered there, Vic, I think.
Yeah.
The pop-up? The pop-up garage.
The pop-up garage? Yeah, it's basically, it's just a big skip, filled with petrol, with a tap on it, you know, to help the Christmas motorists out.
Oh, the Christmas motorists, meandering around the country, looking for the relatives? That's it.
Do you know what? It reminds me of that, you remember that big Christmas hit? Yeah.
Do you remember it? Like I'm driving round at Christmas Just trying to find some relatives.
Yeah.
But we've missed the Preston turn off We'll have to go via Cockermouth.
Driving around Cockermouth .
.
at Christmas! Hey, Vic.
I love your singing and the tree.
It's so cool and powerful, just like yourself.
All right, Erik? Yeah, as if.
Father, as you well know, you promised me this fascinating bobble hat.
Yeah.
I need you to confirm that it is wrapped and ready for me to open tomorrow, and wear on my head at dawn.
Did you get it? It's all right.
Well, I'll tell you what, Erik, you'll just have to wait and see what Santa brings, but in the meantime, I've got a little early Christmas present for you, Erik.
Come on, come over.
Christmas Eve, there you are.
Er Merry Christmas, Erik.
There you go.
Hope you like it.
It's the men from One Direction, yeah? And I thought you could like lay them out on the pillow and pretend they were doing a little concert, or you could take their clothes off, wash them in your sink, and then put them back on the dolls and I got you a nice magic magnet there as well, so .
.
merry Christmas.
Great present, for a 12-year-old girl, or an old German woman that has diarrhoea.
Just get me that bobble hat! Because this is child abuse.
Glad you liked it, Erik.
Eugh! I thought he'd have liked the magnet, Vic.
Hey, you did get him that bobble hat, didn't you? Oh, let's have a look, see what's on the telly, shall we? Ooh, look at this, this is good, isn't it?! My Half Tonne Festive Arse with Kim Kardashian.
Have you got the bobble hat? What about this? Peter Andre's 89p Christmas Dinner.
Yeah, did you get the bobble hat? Oh, this is a good one, you'll like this one here, look.
Inside Hitler's Festive Bunker Sing-along.
How about that? Do you know, Vic? I'm not actually that keen on Hitler.
Did you get me the bobble hat? Oh, look, here comes brother Bosh, clutching something of potential interest.
Hello, everybody, and it's a great big warm welcome from me, and a very happy Christmas to everyone involved in this year's Christmas, you twats.
What's that you got there? Oh, it's a jigsaw puzzle, one million pieces! Whiteout in the Pennines.
It's a wintry snow scene of three albino blokes drinking milk in a white van in a blizzard.
Ages eight to 80, allow three years, brilliant, shall we? No, we shan't, Bosh.
You can more or less eff off, actually.
I'm discussing something with your brother.
Back upstairs.
All right, no problem.
My bad.
I'll go upstairs and do it on my tod.
Hey? And fix this banister while you're at it, Bosh.
Roger! Banister.
Well, that's all from me for now.
Join me later on in the show when I'll be carefully weaved back into the plot somehow.
Seriously though, Vic, did you get Erik's bobble hat? Well, to be honest, Bob .
.
I couldn't be arsed You couldn't be arsed.
.
.
so I handed it over to Beef to sort out.
Yeah, and did Beef sort it out? Yeah, probably.
Probably? Probably.
Vic, if Erik doesn't get his bobble hat this Christmas will be ruined, you know? Do you not remember what happened last year when I forgot to get him his new noggin' pouch? Do you remember? Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, oh, ho.
Oh, you forgot your upper body.
Oh, Beef better come good on this.
Will you give him a ring? I don't want to marry him.
No, Vic, can you just get on the phone to him, please? No need.
What? Because he's here now.
Enter Beef.
# It's Christmas Eve and I've been flying with speed # Through the West End in my glider # I swoop and I dive on the women I like # And pick them up with the claw that's in the bomb Hey! Yes.
All hail me and my erotic Christmas costume.
I am a new kind of Santa.
The Santa for the now generation and, in particular, the ladies.
Beef.
Beef, the new Santa Christmas has got nothing to do with sex.
Yes, it has! Beef, did you get Erik's bobble hat? What you say there, bredren? Well, I know him, but me like that staff, tell me about him.
Well, this is my Christmas yuletide horn, made with a bit of you know what with a special how's your father, and a sprinkling of going anywhere, darling? Can I blow it? No, you can't blow it, Beef, until you tell me have you got Erik's bobble hat? No! I left it to Julie, the only female member of the cast! Julie? Yes! And she should be here right now.
She'll be here now.
Now! # Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! # Merry Christmas, you two knob heads.
# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas we three knob heads! Hello, boys! Hello, Julie.
Vic? Is it time for our little cheeky Christmas kiss? Ngh! Come on, do it, do it, go on quickly.
Just get it over and done with.
Ooh.
Oh, God! Now, that was amazing sex! Julie, have you got the thing for Bob? Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.
Yeah, look.
I knitted it myself.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Julie.
Mm.
Yeah.
Right, I'm going to display it on Santa Claus.
Yes.
The one with the faulty wiring? Oh, Erik's going to love that.
There nicely with Santa.
Come on, let's get this party started.
Excellent.
Can I blow my horn? Yeah, of course you can.
All right, little fella, do the business.
Yeah.
OK.
Merr Ugh! Ugh! No! Erik's hat! Erik's bobble hat! No! No! No! Yes! Julie! Julie! Julie, you couldn't knit me another one, could you, please? No, I've eaten all the wool.
It's not a laughing matter you know, Beef.
It's borderline shitty! It really is.
You three had better think of a way of getting a replacement bobble hat.
I'm going to go up and see Erik, see if there's anything else I can get away with giving him.
Come on think, think.
Mm.
Oh, dear.
Now, it's Christmas Eve, all the shops are shut, so we're going to have to scour the area and see if we can find anyone who's got a bobble hat like it and get it, by hook or by crook.
Right! Sounds like a job for Bosh! Ah! Yes.
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Erik? What do you want, Father? You moron.
I'm only joking.
Oh, right.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Well, hi, Erik.
Bosh! Yeah.
You know the bobble hat was the main present Bosh! .
.
that you wanted for Christmas? Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Bosh! I was just wondering if there was maybe something else that you would like? Bosh! Maybe a neckerchief, you know, round your neck and tie it off with a little flourish, maybe.
Why would I want a neckerchief? Now I know when I join you and your flowery pals at Soft Sands Milkshake Club, the man with problem legs and diarrhoea.
Bosh! Just get met that bobble hat.
Yeah, but, Erik, there must be something else that? Oh, maybe not.
Maybe not.
Well, that's what I think we should do.
So, what do you think of the plan, then? Well, I think it's a long shot, but it might just work.
I love it.
I think you're so clever.
Fancy a quick paddle up Dawson's Creek? No, thank you, darling.
Look, everyone Look out, it's Tiny Tim.
Look, everyone, we've got to get another bobble hat, what's the plan? Well, it seems the only person in the area with a bobble hat like the one that Erik wants is Phil Collins, look.
That's perfect, how do we get it? We're going to break in and nick it.
You mean you actually know where he lives, as in you know where he lives? Yes.
He's converting an old Happy Eater off the A19 into his own personal dwellings.
The old Happy Eater? I hope he didn't rip the kitchen out, that would have been commercial standard, you know.
Well, eh, I'm right, aren't I? He still cooks the full menu every day.
I'm right, aren't I? Yeah.
But apparently no-one turns up.
I'm right though, aren't I? Yeah.
Is he right? Yeah.
Oh, thank God for that.
Yeah.
But Phil Collins' house? How can we break in there? So, there's a secret tunnel to the Happy Eater that's used to remove fats and residues from the premises.
Now, as you can see, there's a secret access hatch directly underneath this flat.
So, what I suggest we do is use this tunnel to gain direct access to the Collins' household.
Right.
Well, let's do it then, are we all agreed? Yeah! Thank you.
Julie? I reckon you should probably stay here, you know, like, cos you're just a woman.
Oh.
What? Woman, am I? If I was a woman, would I be able to do this? Oh, yeah, lovely! Very nice! Ooh, yes! Thank you very much! I'll have some of that! Ooh! Ah! Put your hair back on.
Just stick that on.
Ooh! Do you know what, Julie? I think you should probably come with us.
Do you want a yoghurt? No, no, I'm all right, thanks.
Any of you lot want a yoghurt? I'm all right.
Julie? What flavour is it? What flavour is it? Plain.
Plain.
Plain? Yeah.
Has he got thrush or something? Julie wants to know if you've got thrush flavour.
No, that's just plain.
Yeah, just plain, Julie.
No.
All right.
I wanted banana flavour, but they didn't have any.
I say, Bosh, do you mind if I have a go on the steering? Yeah, be my guest.
I'll just come back, I'll come this side to balance it out with Bosh.
Oh! Oi! Ooh! Ghost! Oh! Get in the boat! Watch yourself.
Yeah.
What's going on up there? 'Scuse me? Right, come on.
Let's get a move on.
Hey! Sh! Lads and lasses and Julie.
There's a shadowy figure up ahead, can I destroy it? Do you think we should destroy this fellow up here? Do it, shoot him.
What do you reckon, Julie? Yeah.
Bosh? It's fine by me.
Yeah, we'll go for it.
Oh! If you're going to shoot him, don't go and just shoot him! It's Santa! Hey, lads.
All right, Santa.
What you doing down this tunnel? Oh, I just delivered the presents up to West Bilbrey, you know, it's quicker through the tunnels.
And, oh, did you know, I just had a yoghurt? No.
No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, well, I have.
What flavour was it? Plain.
Is that what you wanted? No.
No, the wife had packed the bait box, I opened it up, it was plain.
And low fat.
What was it you wanted, then? Banana.
Santa, do you still love her? No, I don't think so, no.
We've been recommended for counselling, but I just don't know if I've got the energy for it.
So, hold on.
You think she deliberately packed you plain, just to spite you, like? Yeah, I do, yeah.
I've got no proof.
She's very clever like that.
Hey, look.
That must be the hatch up into the Happy Eater.
You know who lives there? Phil Collins.
Yeah, yeah.
Hang on.
It's his lounge.
Right.
Bosh and Julie, you stay here with the boat and keep the engine running.
Beef, Bob, you three come with me.
You three? Who's the third one? Me! Oh, right.
Go on, up you get, then.
Do us, then.
Sorry about your problem, Santa.
See you.
I like your outfit.
Santa for the now generation.
Adios.
So, Santa, I thought your beard were longer than that.
Oh, here we go! How many more times? I had it this long for one week, and that's when somebody takes a photo.
I've been saddled with that for years! So, Santa, which countries have you just been delivering your presents to? Ah, well, I've just come back from Mexico.
Oh, what fun! What presents do the Mexicans mainly want, when they want presents? Well, pistols, sombreros, ponchos, mainly.
Santa, behave yourself, man! Less of the stereotyping.
Now I never had you down for a racialist, you twat.
Hey? I'm not racist, let's look in the book under Mexico, look.
Pistol, pistol, pistol, poncho, pistol, it just goes on like that.
Come on, Santa, you can't say stuff like that.
What? I'm not making this up, I'm just reading from the book of letters.
Are you sure you shouldn't consider counselling? Yes, I am, and that's what SHE said.
And I more or less told her to eff off.
He's playing his drums, have a listen.
Yeah.
It's that famous beat, you know, the chocolate one.
He's coming.
Quick.
Get down, Beef.
Down! Right, lads, so here's the plan.
I'll turn the heating right up so he's more or less forced to take his hat off, and when he does, grab it and run.
What do you reckon, Beef? I think that is a good plan.
Sh! No, I can't actually whisper.
Oh! It's best that I tell you that now.
See that cup there? Yeah.
I'm going to take that and throw it so it's like a distraction and, when goes to pick it up, I turn the heating right up.
He didn't fancy that omelette.
Do you know, which is a shame really cos they're so nutritious, aren't they, Beef? They are.
Go on, do your cup.
Ooh! Yes, yes.
Turn it up, yeah.
Yeah.
Oof! How are we going to get out of here, now? What about Turkey? What do they have in Turkey? You're going to say I'm being racist! But it's all requests for them slippers with the curled up toes.
As if, Santa! It is! That's all they're asking for.
Look in the book! Apart from one Mustapha Kebab and he wants a fez.
Ah, you know, that's not true, now, Santa, is it? No.
It is! Right, one, pick another one.
Australia.
But you're going to say they want didgeridoos.
No, let's have a look.
Australia.
Rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence.
Ah, get over.
All right look, choose another country, and tell me I'm being racist.
Poland! Sheet steel.
Italy.
50/50 split hair gel, pizza shovel.
Scotland.
Bunion cream.
Satisfied? Honestly, I tell the truth and I'm a racist and if I don't I'm a liar.
You know what? That's it, this is my last year.
I'm fed up with it! Right.
Right, where next? India.
Curry powder, curry powder Don't! Comrades, he's dropped off, so what I say we do is, we kill him, dissect him, take the hat and retreat.
What do you reckon, Beef? He thinks we should kill him.
I think he's right.
Yeah? Well, let's kill him then, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Great.
Right, what I'm going to do is take this objet d'art, and grandly strike him right in the face.
No, no, you've got to hit him as hard as you can.
I will, all right! All right, well, get on with it.
I will.
Come here.
Stop that, it's got a sensor pad on it.
I know it's sensor pad.
We need to remove the hat without waking him.
We'll just whip it off and we'll clear off.
I'll give it a go.
Oh! There's a sensor underneath.
Yeah, we know there's a sensor, don't we? We know about the sensors! All right! I've got a sensational plan.
We quickly remove the hat and replace it with this succulent and heavy omelette.
I'd like to do that, can I do that? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a nice touch, that.
Right, you two ready? Yeah.
Three, two, one.
Yes! Yes! Right, let's get out of here.
Erik? There you are.
Erik, how do you fancy an extra early Christmas present? Oh, wow, yes.
I get to kill you.
No, no! Erik, what was the main present that you really wanted? The bobble hat.
Vic? Come on, Vic, the bobble hat.
I'm wearing it on my head, you dozy cow.
Oh, no! It must have fallen in the water in the tunnel when I was looking in the water in the tunnel, to see if I could see my future wife in the tunnel.
Erik? Erik? He's lost your bobble hat, it was nothing to do with me, you heard him.
Hello, lads! All right, Santa.
Finished in two minutes, that's Ritalin for you.
I just found this on me way in and, being Santa, I know it's for this little lad here.
Yeah, Erik's bobble hat.
Erik? It's Santa Claus with my bobble hat.
Well, father? Nice.
Can we keep him? What? You know how much I love you.
We could keep him in the cupboard under the stairs.
Cupboard? I don't know, what do you reckon, Santa? Oh, it's fine by me, the wife's just been on the blower, she's kicked me out.
Cow! So this is my last night, I'm jacking it in as Santa.
Oh, you can't do that, Santa, what about the lovely little children who want their presents? Well, I've got a replacement in mind, it's him, he's perfect.
There's me keys, and you can have my air miles as well.
Wow! At last, enough air miles for me to return home to the moon.
That's settle then, I'm moving in, I've just got one last delivery to make.
Where to? To Spain.
I've got a lorry load of mattresses.
Mattresses? Yes.
So they can sleep all day, you know, like they do.
Santa! All right, I'm a racist! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
Just one little cheeky little chittle last little kiss? Ngh! Nn! Come on, Beef, let's get this party started.
Have you got the horn? Permanently.
# What a lovely Christmas Eve # But what a waste of an omelette # I got my hat # I got my kiss And I get to blow the shit out of this Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, I tell you what, Vic, wearing these Christmas party suits, it reminds me of non-uniform day, remember? Yeah, do you remember at school? When it was non-uniform day and we turned up starkers? Remember that? We weren't to know, were we? But it doesn't matter.
Doesn't really matter They couldn't say it mattered.
Not when we're happy.
Yeah, of course, no, I do remember, and they sacked you, which was, I thought was strange.
Because, you know, you WERE the biology teacher, weren't you? Mind you, Vic, tonight Eh? .
.
you look REALLY sophisticated.
I am sophisticated, aren't I? Really Look, see that, look, ask me who I am.
Yeah, sorry, who you are, yeah.
Who are you, mate? My name is James Bond.
JAMES Bond.
Ah? Yeah.
Eh? I will take as many portions of that as you've got.
Go on, have a go, go on.
Can I have a go? Can I have a go? Go and have a go.
Thanks.
You have to be wearing it.
Yeah, you have to be wearing.
You knew that all along, didn't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Bob, follow me.
I'm behind you, sir.
Presenting the Christmas tree! View it at your leisure.
At my leisure, I am viewing, it's astoin-ishing.
It is astoin-ishing, isn't it? Isn't it? Ask me where I got the decorations.
You got it at the garage, didn't you? You know, the giveaway was probably the sponge, but also backed up by the jump leads.
I've got a problem with it, I've got a little bit of a problem with this.
Yeah, what? There's no lights.
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
Huh? Watch.
Electric cigarettes from the garage.
Hey, if we could get 30 chain smokers in here, we'd have quite a display, wouldn't we? It can be arranged.
Yeah.
So which garage did you get them from? Well You know I got them at the pop-up garage, Bob.
Yeah.
All the smoking techniques covered there, Vic, I think.
Yeah.
The pop-up? The pop-up garage.
The pop-up garage? Yeah, it's basically, it's just a big skip, filled with petrol, with a tap on it, you know, to help the Christmas motorists out.
Oh, the Christmas motorists, meandering around the country, looking for the relatives? That's it.
Do you know what? It reminds me of that, you remember that big Christmas hit? Yeah.
Do you remember it? Like I'm driving round at Christmas Just trying to find some relatives.
Yeah.
But we've missed the Preston turn off We'll have to go via Cockermouth.
Driving around Cockermouth .
.
at Christmas! Hey, Vic.
I love your singing and the tree.
It's so cool and powerful, just like yourself.
All right, Erik? Yeah, as if.
Father, as you well know, you promised me this fascinating bobble hat.
Yeah.
I need you to confirm that it is wrapped and ready for me to open tomorrow, and wear on my head at dawn.
Did you get it? It's all right.
Well, I'll tell you what, Erik, you'll just have to wait and see what Santa brings, but in the meantime, I've got a little early Christmas present for you, Erik.
Come on, come over.
Christmas Eve, there you are.
Er Merry Christmas, Erik.
There you go.
Hope you like it.
It's the men from One Direction, yeah? And I thought you could like lay them out on the pillow and pretend they were doing a little concert, or you could take their clothes off, wash them in your sink, and then put them back on the dolls and I got you a nice magic magnet there as well, so .
.
merry Christmas.
Great present, for a 12-year-old girl, or an old German woman that has diarrhoea.
Just get me that bobble hat! Because this is child abuse.
Glad you liked it, Erik.
Eugh! I thought he'd have liked the magnet, Vic.
Hey, you did get him that bobble hat, didn't you? Oh, let's have a look, see what's on the telly, shall we? Ooh, look at this, this is good, isn't it?! My Half Tonne Festive Arse with Kim Kardashian.
Have you got the bobble hat? What about this? Peter Andre's 89p Christmas Dinner.
Yeah, did you get the bobble hat? Oh, this is a good one, you'll like this one here, look.
Inside Hitler's Festive Bunker Sing-along.
How about that? Do you know, Vic? I'm not actually that keen on Hitler.
Did you get me the bobble hat? Oh, look, here comes brother Bosh, clutching something of potential interest.
Hello, everybody, and it's a great big warm welcome from me, and a very happy Christmas to everyone involved in this year's Christmas, you twats.
What's that you got there? Oh, it's a jigsaw puzzle, one million pieces! Whiteout in the Pennines.
It's a wintry snow scene of three albino blokes drinking milk in a white van in a blizzard.
Ages eight to 80, allow three years, brilliant, shall we? No, we shan't, Bosh.
You can more or less eff off, actually.
I'm discussing something with your brother.
Back upstairs.
All right, no problem.
My bad.
I'll go upstairs and do it on my tod.
Hey? And fix this banister while you're at it, Bosh.
Roger! Banister.
Well, that's all from me for now.
Join me later on in the show when I'll be carefully weaved back into the plot somehow.
Seriously though, Vic, did you get Erik's bobble hat? Well, to be honest, Bob .
.
I couldn't be arsed You couldn't be arsed.
.
.
so I handed it over to Beef to sort out.
Yeah, and did Beef sort it out? Yeah, probably.
Probably? Probably.
Vic, if Erik doesn't get his bobble hat this Christmas will be ruined, you know? Do you not remember what happened last year when I forgot to get him his new noggin' pouch? Do you remember? Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, oh, ho.
Oh, you forgot your upper body.
Oh, Beef better come good on this.
Will you give him a ring? I don't want to marry him.
No, Vic, can you just get on the phone to him, please? No need.
What? Because he's here now.
Enter Beef.
# It's Christmas Eve and I've been flying with speed # Through the West End in my glider # I swoop and I dive on the women I like # And pick them up with the claw that's in the bomb Hey! Yes.
All hail me and my erotic Christmas costume.
I am a new kind of Santa.
The Santa for the now generation and, in particular, the ladies.
Beef.
Beef, the new Santa Christmas has got nothing to do with sex.
Yes, it has! Beef, did you get Erik's bobble hat? What you say there, bredren? Well, I know him, but me like that staff, tell me about him.
Well, this is my Christmas yuletide horn, made with a bit of you know what with a special how's your father, and a sprinkling of going anywhere, darling? Can I blow it? No, you can't blow it, Beef, until you tell me have you got Erik's bobble hat? No! I left it to Julie, the only female member of the cast! Julie? Yes! And she should be here right now.
She'll be here now.
Now! # Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! # Merry Christmas, you two knob heads.
# Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas we three knob heads! Hello, boys! Hello, Julie.
Vic? Is it time for our little cheeky Christmas kiss? Ngh! Come on, do it, do it, go on quickly.
Just get it over and done with.
Ooh.
Oh, God! Now, that was amazing sex! Julie, have you got the thing for Bob? Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course.
Yeah, look.
I knitted it myself.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Julie.
Mm.
Yeah.
Right, I'm going to display it on Santa Claus.
Yes.
The one with the faulty wiring? Oh, Erik's going to love that.
There nicely with Santa.
Come on, let's get this party started.
Excellent.
Can I blow my horn? Yeah, of course you can.
All right, little fella, do the business.
Yeah.
OK.
Merr Ugh! Ugh! No! Erik's hat! Erik's bobble hat! No! No! No! Yes! Julie! Julie! Julie, you couldn't knit me another one, could you, please? No, I've eaten all the wool.
It's not a laughing matter you know, Beef.
It's borderline shitty! It really is.
You three had better think of a way of getting a replacement bobble hat.
I'm going to go up and see Erik, see if there's anything else I can get away with giving him.
Come on think, think.
Mm.
Oh, dear.
Now, it's Christmas Eve, all the shops are shut, so we're going to have to scour the area and see if we can find anyone who's got a bobble hat like it and get it, by hook or by crook.
Right! Sounds like a job for Bosh! Ah! Yes.
Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Erik? What do you want, Father? You moron.
I'm only joking.
Oh, right.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Well, hi, Erik.
Bosh! Yeah.
You know the bobble hat was the main present Bosh! .
.
that you wanted for Christmas? Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Bosh! I was just wondering if there was maybe something else that you would like? Bosh! Maybe a neckerchief, you know, round your neck and tie it off with a little flourish, maybe.
Why would I want a neckerchief? Now I know when I join you and your flowery pals at Soft Sands Milkshake Club, the man with problem legs and diarrhoea.
Bosh! Just get met that bobble hat.
Yeah, but, Erik, there must be something else that? Oh, maybe not.
Maybe not.
Well, that's what I think we should do.
So, what do you think of the plan, then? Well, I think it's a long shot, but it might just work.
I love it.
I think you're so clever.
Fancy a quick paddle up Dawson's Creek? No, thank you, darling.
Look, everyone Look out, it's Tiny Tim.
Look, everyone, we've got to get another bobble hat, what's the plan? Well, it seems the only person in the area with a bobble hat like the one that Erik wants is Phil Collins, look.
That's perfect, how do we get it? We're going to break in and nick it.
You mean you actually know where he lives, as in you know where he lives? Yes.
He's converting an old Happy Eater off the A19 into his own personal dwellings.
The old Happy Eater? I hope he didn't rip the kitchen out, that would have been commercial standard, you know.
Well, eh, I'm right, aren't I? He still cooks the full menu every day.
I'm right, aren't I? Yeah.
But apparently no-one turns up.
I'm right though, aren't I? Yeah.
Is he right? Yeah.
Oh, thank God for that.
Yeah.
But Phil Collins' house? How can we break in there? So, there's a secret tunnel to the Happy Eater that's used to remove fats and residues from the premises.
Now, as you can see, there's a secret access hatch directly underneath this flat.
So, what I suggest we do is use this tunnel to gain direct access to the Collins' household.
Right.
Well, let's do it then, are we all agreed? Yeah! Thank you.
Julie? I reckon you should probably stay here, you know, like, cos you're just a woman.
Oh.
What? Woman, am I? If I was a woman, would I be able to do this? Oh, yeah, lovely! Very nice! Ooh, yes! Thank you very much! I'll have some of that! Ooh! Ah! Put your hair back on.
Just stick that on.
Ooh! Do you know what, Julie? I think you should probably come with us.
Do you want a yoghurt? No, no, I'm all right, thanks.
Any of you lot want a yoghurt? I'm all right.
Julie? What flavour is it? What flavour is it? Plain.
Plain.
Plain? Yeah.
Has he got thrush or something? Julie wants to know if you've got thrush flavour.
No, that's just plain.
Yeah, just plain, Julie.
No.
All right.
I wanted banana flavour, but they didn't have any.
I say, Bosh, do you mind if I have a go on the steering? Yeah, be my guest.
I'll just come back, I'll come this side to balance it out with Bosh.
Oh! Oi! Ooh! Ghost! Oh! Get in the boat! Watch yourself.
Yeah.
What's going on up there? 'Scuse me? Right, come on.
Let's get a move on.
Hey! Sh! Lads and lasses and Julie.
There's a shadowy figure up ahead, can I destroy it? Do you think we should destroy this fellow up here? Do it, shoot him.
What do you reckon, Julie? Yeah.
Bosh? It's fine by me.
Yeah, we'll go for it.
Oh! If you're going to shoot him, don't go and just shoot him! It's Santa! Hey, lads.
All right, Santa.
What you doing down this tunnel? Oh, I just delivered the presents up to West Bilbrey, you know, it's quicker through the tunnels.
And, oh, did you know, I just had a yoghurt? No.
No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, well, I have.
What flavour was it? Plain.
Is that what you wanted? No.
No, the wife had packed the bait box, I opened it up, it was plain.
And low fat.
What was it you wanted, then? Banana.
Santa, do you still love her? No, I don't think so, no.
We've been recommended for counselling, but I just don't know if I've got the energy for it.
So, hold on.
You think she deliberately packed you plain, just to spite you, like? Yeah, I do, yeah.
I've got no proof.
She's very clever like that.
Hey, look.
That must be the hatch up into the Happy Eater.
You know who lives there? Phil Collins.
Yeah, yeah.
Hang on.
It's his lounge.
Right.
Bosh and Julie, you stay here with the boat and keep the engine running.
Beef, Bob, you three come with me.
You three? Who's the third one? Me! Oh, right.
Go on, up you get, then.
Do us, then.
Sorry about your problem, Santa.
See you.
I like your outfit.
Santa for the now generation.
Adios.
So, Santa, I thought your beard were longer than that.
Oh, here we go! How many more times? I had it this long for one week, and that's when somebody takes a photo.
I've been saddled with that for years! So, Santa, which countries have you just been delivering your presents to? Ah, well, I've just come back from Mexico.
Oh, what fun! What presents do the Mexicans mainly want, when they want presents? Well, pistols, sombreros, ponchos, mainly.
Santa, behave yourself, man! Less of the stereotyping.
Now I never had you down for a racialist, you twat.
Hey? I'm not racist, let's look in the book under Mexico, look.
Pistol, pistol, pistol, poncho, pistol, it just goes on like that.
Come on, Santa, you can't say stuff like that.
What? I'm not making this up, I'm just reading from the book of letters.
Are you sure you shouldn't consider counselling? Yes, I am, and that's what SHE said.
And I more or less told her to eff off.
He's playing his drums, have a listen.
Yeah.
It's that famous beat, you know, the chocolate one.
He's coming.
Quick.
Get down, Beef.
Down! Right, lads, so here's the plan.
I'll turn the heating right up so he's more or less forced to take his hat off, and when he does, grab it and run.
What do you reckon, Beef? I think that is a good plan.
Sh! No, I can't actually whisper.
Oh! It's best that I tell you that now.
See that cup there? Yeah.
I'm going to take that and throw it so it's like a distraction and, when goes to pick it up, I turn the heating right up.
He didn't fancy that omelette.
Do you know, which is a shame really cos they're so nutritious, aren't they, Beef? They are.
Go on, do your cup.
Ooh! Yes, yes.
Turn it up, yeah.
Yeah.
Oof! How are we going to get out of here, now? What about Turkey? What do they have in Turkey? You're going to say I'm being racist! But it's all requests for them slippers with the curled up toes.
As if, Santa! It is! That's all they're asking for.
Look in the book! Apart from one Mustapha Kebab and he wants a fez.
Ah, you know, that's not true, now, Santa, is it? No.
It is! Right, one, pick another one.
Australia.
But you're going to say they want didgeridoos.
No, let's have a look.
Australia.
Rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence, rabbit-proof fence.
Ah, get over.
All right look, choose another country, and tell me I'm being racist.
Poland! Sheet steel.
Italy.
50/50 split hair gel, pizza shovel.
Scotland.
Bunion cream.
Satisfied? Honestly, I tell the truth and I'm a racist and if I don't I'm a liar.
You know what? That's it, this is my last year.
I'm fed up with it! Right.
Right, where next? India.
Curry powder, curry powder Don't! Comrades, he's dropped off, so what I say we do is, we kill him, dissect him, take the hat and retreat.
What do you reckon, Beef? He thinks we should kill him.
I think he's right.
Yeah? Well, let's kill him then, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Great.
Right, what I'm going to do is take this objet d'art, and grandly strike him right in the face.
No, no, you've got to hit him as hard as you can.
I will, all right! All right, well, get on with it.
I will.
Come here.
Stop that, it's got a sensor pad on it.
I know it's sensor pad.
We need to remove the hat without waking him.
We'll just whip it off and we'll clear off.
I'll give it a go.
Oh! There's a sensor underneath.
Yeah, we know there's a sensor, don't we? We know about the sensors! All right! I've got a sensational plan.
We quickly remove the hat and replace it with this succulent and heavy omelette.
I'd like to do that, can I do that? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a nice touch, that.
Right, you two ready? Yeah.
Three, two, one.
Yes! Yes! Right, let's get out of here.
Erik? There you are.
Erik, how do you fancy an extra early Christmas present? Oh, wow, yes.
I get to kill you.
No, no! Erik, what was the main present that you really wanted? The bobble hat.
Vic? Come on, Vic, the bobble hat.
I'm wearing it on my head, you dozy cow.
Oh, no! It must have fallen in the water in the tunnel when I was looking in the water in the tunnel, to see if I could see my future wife in the tunnel.
Erik? Erik? He's lost your bobble hat, it was nothing to do with me, you heard him.
Hello, lads! All right, Santa.
Finished in two minutes, that's Ritalin for you.
I just found this on me way in and, being Santa, I know it's for this little lad here.
Yeah, Erik's bobble hat.
Erik? It's Santa Claus with my bobble hat.
Well, father? Nice.
Can we keep him? What? You know how much I love you.
We could keep him in the cupboard under the stairs.
Cupboard? I don't know, what do you reckon, Santa? Oh, it's fine by me, the wife's just been on the blower, she's kicked me out.
Cow! So this is my last night, I'm jacking it in as Santa.
Oh, you can't do that, Santa, what about the lovely little children who want their presents? Well, I've got a replacement in mind, it's him, he's perfect.
There's me keys, and you can have my air miles as well.
Wow! At last, enough air miles for me to return home to the moon.
That's settle then, I'm moving in, I've just got one last delivery to make.
Where to? To Spain.
I've got a lorry load of mattresses.
Mattresses? Yes.
So they can sleep all day, you know, like they do.
Santa! All right, I'm a racist! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
Just one little cheeky little chittle last little kiss? Ngh! Nn! Come on, Beef, let's get this party started.
Have you got the horn? Permanently.
# What a lovely Christmas Eve # But what a waste of an omelette # I got my hat # I got my kiss And I get to blow the shit out of this Thank you.
Thank you.