Housebroken (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Chief, what are you doing
on Jill's bed?
- We have to be invited.
- That's never been clear.
Yeah.
Jill loves a loose boundary.
Besides, I peed on this bed
a year ago,
so it's technically mine.
- What's in your mouth?
- Hmm?
- Chief-y, what you got there?
- [groans]
- Oh, no! You ate Jeremy?
- You mean Jill's closed-door,
under-the-covers
buzzing machine?
You can say vibrator.
It keeps her happy
and independent.
I know! Exactly!
Like, I wanted some of that!
Ah, it's broken.
And there's a new
"Property Brothers" on tonight!
Oh, those dudes are so different.
Oh, yeah, one sells property,
and the other fixes it up.
- You can tell from their clothes.
- Yeah, I can tell them apart
completely nude standing
in front of a brick wall.
But, I mean, that's
neither here nor there.
Ah, I should probably
hide the evidence.
Oh, no, Chief,
I don't think you should
Ahh. Huh?
[vibrator buzzes]
Okay, I get it.
Whoa.
[chuckles]
[upbeat rock music]
[all barking musically]
♪
[all barking or meowing musically]
[music crescendos]
Look, I hear you.
You don't like being chased.
But I also have needs
in this relationship.
There is no relationship.
I hate you.
- Well, screw you!
- Screw you, too!
Honey! I need you!
Okay, we'll pick this up later.
This isn't a game.
I despise you!
Are you okay?
Is Bubbles harassing you again?
He parades around here
wearing nothing but a collar,
and I'm the one
with HR on my ass?
The real problem is
that Jill's bedroom
and sometimes bathroom
robot is not sitting well.
Oh, no.
Okay, well, I think Jill
needs to take you to the vet.
Honey, it will pass naturally.
All I need is a patch of grass,
ray of sunshine, gentle breeze.
Aw, Chief, I'm sorry, but
Jill!
Oh, no, no, not Jill!
Not the vet!
Hey, you brought me in here,
what did you want me to do?
I wanted you to give me
a tummy nuzzle
or a cuddle puddle
or a muzzle cubluble
or a tubby rubby belly boop!
Guess what. I brought you
some special treats.
They're right there mm-hmm
in my backpack.
Go on. Have some.
The last cat that fell
for that
was never heard from again.
You think I don't know a
catnapping sack when I see it?
- I don't need your help.
- Go ahead, pretty kitty.
Yeah.
[screams]
Oh, look at you
scared, anxious,
trapped in a cycle of compulsive
eating and scary vet visits.
Don't forget the occasional
dental floss
- that has to be pulled from my rectum.
- I would never.
What if I told you it
doesn't have to be this way?
- Go on
- I think you'd get a lot out of group.
Oh, God! I can't believe
I fell for that!
Sometimes it helps
to talk things out.
Wouldn't it be nice to
go a month without having
- your stomach pumped?
- Eh, six of one.
Well, I hate it when you're gone.
Jill always turns it
into a girls' night.
- Ooh, what's your name? [laughs]
- Oh, my God.
Besides, if you joined group it
would bring us closer together.
You know what keeps me happy
and independent?
- What?
- Helping group members blossom!
Aah! Again?
I trusted you!
[groans]
Chief ate my vibrator!
[laughs]
I'm a little embarrassed.
- [guffaws]
- Oh, don't be silly.
Let me just take a quick
Polaroid of you new policy.
[camera shutter clicks]
Well, Chief's at the vet again.
- What happened to him?
- Same as usual.
Chief ate something
he shouldn't have.
This time
it was Jill's vibrator.
Sounds like Jill
is really leaning in.
By the way,
his prognosis is excellent.
Oh, say that at the start
of the story.
Oh, please, that wasn't a story.
No, you'll know
when I tell a story.
Like, did I ever tell you
about the time
- I found that old doll
- ALL: Yes!
- And I thought it was
- ALL: A real baby.
But it wasn't.
Well, that's a story.
- You certainly think so?
- Besides, if Chief wasn't fine,
I wouldn't wait to tell you, okay?
- I'm not sociopath.
- BOTH: I'm not a sociopath.
- I'm certainly not a sociopath.
- I'm not a whatever you guys said.
- I am not a sociopath!
- Anything you'd like to add, Nibbles?
- [laughs] Nope.
- Well, that was a lot of talk
about a dog who's not even
a member of the group.
I'll get us back on track.
I've decided I'm in love
with Darla.
Oh, what kind of shoe is Darla?
She's not a shoe,
but I look past that.
She's my "tortoise
mi amor-toise" Latin
and she's warming up to the
idea of getting back together.
Oh, that's wonderful, Shel!
Don't flood your basement just yet.
Lindsay's made it clear
she's not willing
to let me go without a fight.
- Well, she's a shoe.
- Exactly.
She was designed
to hold on for dear life.
She's clearly obsessed,
and I'm worried
that Lindsay might hurt Darla,
or worse, hurt me.
Uh-huh.
Tabitha, usually you would
have pulled focus by now.
Is everything okay?
Uh, I'm getting love all day
long from the man
men in my life, and it is good.
Let's get back to important issue
of how your owner
will fully enjoy "Property
Brothers" without her vibrator.
Co-sign.
Hey, Tabs, you know, you
might get more out of group
if you started
telling the truth?
I mean, how can you
expect them to help
when they still think you're
living with Brett and Stelios?
- I need nothing from group.
- Fine.
But you might get more out
of our friendship
if you started telling me the truth.
You want the truth?
I cannot go back to cat café.
- A lunatic has made me his muse.
- So stay with me.
The lunatic at my place
will mostly ignore you.
Just until I can think
of something less depressing.
Fantastic!
[siren wailing]
Ah! We're losing him!
It's time for
chest compressions.
- I'm going in!
- Come on! Boop. Boop!
[gasps] Buzzed driving
is drunk driving.
So what are you in for?
I'm here for no reason, like, at all.
I ate a couple of mittens.
Do you know what mittens are?
Oh, I love mittens!
Do I know what mittens are?
- I had a heart attack.
- Oh, no!
And you're just letting
us go on about mittens?
- It was my 17th.
- I don't even know why I'm here.
Oh, well,
it kind of looks like
you got your head
stuck in a cone.
All I know is
I really, really, really
want to get at my balls
but I can't reach.
Who wants to tell him?
Hey, what'd you do to get
thrown in here, big guy?
I ate my human's, um, well
I ate her this
[vibrator buzzes]
Dude.
- Chief?
- Oh! Hey!
- It's, um name?
- Chico.
Chico! I know this cat!
What brings you here, friend?
- Urinary bladder rocks.
- Ooh, how did you eat those?
I'd kill to be here
for urinary bladder rocks.
Yeah, it's due
to excess weight gain,
which is due to too much food,
which is due to my owner
and best friend, Kevin,
traveling a lot.
Too much. It's too much.
Aw, Chico!
No, no, no, no, shh.
Sounds like
you need to share.
- This is a safe space.
- Oh, boy!
Gah! Ugh, here we go!
You're sure it's okay
if I stay with you?
Oh, yeah, but remember
you've got to be nicer
than you've ever been before.
I mean it, Tabs,
these cats are vicious.
When I first moved in here,
I had the standard number
of eyes, ears, and testicles.
And let me tell you
I do not anymore.
[dramatic music]
[cats meowing]
♪
Does a stranger
sense danger ♪
In the house of a hoarder? ♪
Then jellimon juniper,
an introduction's in order ♪
I'm Percival Sir Paw ♪
But you can call me
The Clean One ♪
And I'm Chazzery Lymph,
The Missing A Spleen One ♪
I'm Grumplerump,
known as The Warm Wet One ♪
We're Conjoinity Jones,
we're The Duet One! ♪
[all panting]
I don't get it.
Dangerous cats sing song to me?
Oh, our musical
cat-stravaganzas
are the only thing that keep us
from killing each other.
So, if you want to survive
here, you have to join the fun.
I am not a joiner,
and it does not look like fun.
[laughs] Well, joke's on you,
because this is the most fun!
- Hey.
- Ah!
- I didn't mean to scare you.
- Why would I be scared?
I'm just alone in my yard
with a dangerous coyote.
- You think I'm dangerous?
- Did I say dangerous?
No, no, I meant sexy.
No, I meant dangerous.
- No, I meant
- Honey!
Sorry. My human's calling.
You know how it is. [chuckles]
Oh, no, of course you don't,
because you're wild
and dangerous.
Nope. Got to go.
Oh, Darla,
the moonlight illuminates
all of your
wonderfully earned wrinkles.
And I'm like, "Damn, girl."
Oh, Shel,
you're making progress.
Oh my God.
I thought you told her
it was over.
- I did!
- Maybe I should talk to her.
No, Darla, it's not safe.
There's no telling what that
"horngry" beast will do.
[gasps]
She's coming closer.
Run, Darla! Run!
- [hisses]
- Keep walking.
When you least expect it
Oh, look
at the great gentleman
protecting his wonderful damsel.
- Shh. You'll wake her up.
- Oh, now the hero is shushing me.
If she fell in line, you wouldn't
have to protect Her Fluffiness.
Yeah, musical theater's
just not her thing.
I just hope she's worth it,
'cause she doesn't seem
to give a rat's ass about you.
Yeah, well, your badonkadonk
ain't all that.
That was 18, guys!
I guess I'm this big because
I want Kevin to see me.
- Mm-hmm.
- That one hit home.
Must lick
Can you see them
from where you are?
Honest to God,
I don't even see them.
I hear that, cat.
I blow minds all over town.
But now that I'm getting fixed,
I'm scared
I won't know who I am.
- Who am I if I'm not blowing minds?
- Wait. Do I know you?
- I must have blown your mind.
- No, I don't think that's it.
You ever had kittens?
Yeah, but I'm not sure
what that has to do with it.
What an odd question.
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you guys something,
and you can't tell Honey.
We don't know who that is.
Go on.
I knew that Jill's Mr. Roboto
was gonna make me feel blechy
in my tummy,
- but I did it anyway.
- Maybe this is the rock bottom
we needed to take
a long look at ourselves.
- This feels like group.
- Wait, this is what group is like?
Huh, I always thought
it was a contest
to see who could be
the most boring.
[chuckles]
Usually the turtle wins.
Hey, Shel's going through a
lot of boring stuff right now.
So, this is what Honey
is always nagging me to do.
Wow. She's right!
It does feel good to share.
Huh. What an emotional release.
Whoa.
Wait a minute. What the?
- Jeremy?
- Water.
Hey! I passed the baton!
Well, here I am, completely
alone in my yard again,
totally vulnerable.
- Shut up!
- Go to hell!
[gasps]
Where are you taking me?
- What?
- Ah, Chief's home.
Okay, I've got to go,
but I'm sure I'll be out here
vulnerable and alone later.
Okay. Just saying.
Chief! Welcome home!
- [chuckles] So how'd it go?
- Ah, wonderful.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
A rabbit had a bunch
of heart attacks.
Chico peed out some rocks,
and one dog was there
because he was born
with balls between his legs!
Gross.
Anyway, we all bonded.
It's like I've always said
emotional connection, you know?
- That's where it's at.
- At the vet?
Yeah. It was pretty amazing.
I've come to a decision.
I'm ready to do group.
Oh, wow. This is so great.
You're gonna love it.
I mean, Diablo is super annoying,
but you can just tune him out.
No, I'm starting my own group,
with my friends from the vet.
It's gonna be awesome.
Good night.
Oh, no, did the gallant
swain oversleep?
- What are you even saying?
- You missed rehearsal.
- What? Why didn't you wake me?
- One, two. three
ALL: Neglect is our dad,
infection's our mother ♪
When we're not singing,
we're killing each other ♪
[screeches]
ALL: There's always
a place for you ♪
The Gray One,
you're out of the show!
But I'm Monocules Monroe!
The gentleman cat
from Microwave Mountain!
You know we have
a zero-tolerance policy
regarding missed rehearsals.
Who do I talk to about
sleeping accommodations?
Aah! This is all your fault!
Everyone hates you!
And now they hate me!
But you obviously don't care
because you
- I'll kill you!
- Aah!
ALL:
He's out of the show ♪
- He's out of the show ♪
- He's out of the show ♪
I have no faith in this show.
Well, you may
or may not have noticed
that Chief is having
his own group outside.
[chuckles]
Right? Yeah.
I sat out there a while
before I realized
- I was in the wrong place.
- Uh, fascinating.
Lindsay's menacing yet erotic
behavior has escalated.
But I refuse to let
her rob me of the life
scute-slamming happiness
I could have with Darla.
I mean,
it's totally within his right.
I have no problem with it.
It detoxifies my masculinity
to admit it,
but I can't handle
the Lindsay sitch on my own.
I need help making it,
uh, go away,
- if you know what I mean.
- Not here.
- Where?
- After group. I know someone.
It's just that
I've been asking him
for years to join our group
That must be really
frustrating, you know,
that he refuses
to join something
that would obviously
help you both
and keep you from getting
killed in your sleep!
Wonder what they're
talking about.
You got to help me!
- Screw you!
- You screw you!
Chief! Stop!
What's going on?
- Squirrel break!
- Ah!
[barks, gasps]
Ah! Get him off me!
Get him off me!
Aah! Aah!
Stay still! Try to
Everyone self-protect!
Aah! He's in my fur!
Get him off me!
[screaming]
[laughter]
I did this.
Ah! He's everywhere!
I'm covered in squirrel!
Max! Oh, thank God.
I thought you were Lindsay.
I mean
just keep walking.
I know someone who can send
Lindsay back to Zappos,
if you know what I mean.
Really? Are you sure?
- She has not been gently used.
- Trust me.
- Okay. Who's the fixer?
- Me.
Well, this is an unexpected
turn of events.
- You sure you can handle it?
- [laughs] Can I handle it?
You ever hear about the time
two of those "Stranger Things"
kids killed that hiker?
God, no.
How about when a certain
handsome quarterback
- burned down a Jamba Juice?
- No.
Or when a certain perky
morning-show host
kept the Biebs in her
basement for three days?
- Not that either.
- Exactly.
My hooves have been in
everything you can imagine,
so, yeah, I can handle
your little shoe problem.
Well, all right.
You should know,
I don't condone violence,
but I am aroused by it,
so do your worst.
I'm regretting this already.
I don't understand
why you're so mad,
- I thought you wanted me in a group.
- Not a group, my group,
which, on a side note,
you completely ruined today.
I was wondering.
It seemed a little chaotic.
Why does it matter
whose group I'm in?
Because I know
what you need to fix.
I can help you
be less impulsive,
a better listener,
sneeze more quietly
My group has a word for how
you're acting right now,
and it rhymes with fudge-mental.
I can help you
with your vocabulary.
And this fudgy attitude
is exactly why I didn't want
to be in your group.
I get enough criticism
from you as it is.
Well, it's constructive criticism!
I could help you understand
the difference!
[groaning]
What? No!
[all growling creepily]
[shouting]
[eerie music]
♪
[gasps]
[grunts]
The Gray One! Help me!
- [groans]
- [screaming]
All you had to do
was join the fun.
Turn, touch, step.
Oh, no.
But, Gray One,
we are friends, no?
You're on your own!
[gasps]
I will agree
to star in your show
if you let The Gray One back in
and stop trying to kill him.
We already have our leading lady.
I got a DIY face-lift
for this.
That's okay. I just want
to be one of the gang.
I will be chorus cat.
You're a kitten again.
You can't just get together,
chase squirrels, and call it group.
- Nice stream.
- Oh! Thanks.
Uh, yeah, no, I try to, uh, drink
at least two bowls a day so, um
Yeah, but you don't care
about that.
- You're just here to ravage me.
- Actually, I was wondering
the pets that meet at your house
- Are not food.
- They come to talk, right?
And sometimes I give advice.
But, um, they will tear you
limb from limb,
so don't even try kidnapping me
and taking me
to your mysterious lair.
Actually, I just have a question.
Is there such a thing
as objective morality?
Oh, sorry, is that not the
kind of thing you talk about?
You don't have a lair, do you?
- [coyote howls in the distance]
- [groans]
Now I'm the one
being called away.
[chuckles]
Oh, and by the way,
that squirrel won't be
bothering you anymore.
- Why not?
- I killed him. Good night.
Screw you, little friend.
Screw you.
All right, you may want
to turn away
while I put Lindsay down
for her dirt nap.
Do you think it's safe for me
to say a few words to her?
Whatever, man.
Lindsay, I'm coming closer.
Don't try anything.
Lindsay, when we met,
I was a shell of a tortoise,
but the time we spent together
filled me and my shell
with feelings and liquids
that I didn't know were possible.
- In fact, how about one more
- Okay, that's enough!
Now, I'll tell you
what I told Meryl
after her one-night stand
with a certain
frosted-tipped celebrity chef.
Get out of here and forget
this ever happened!
I'm sorry for being
so judgmental.
That was the word.
Continue with your apology.
And it's stupid for me
to think I can dictate
who anyone else is.
You don't need to change.
I need to stop projecting
on other canines.
Not felines, though,
they need my help.
- So I don't need to be in a group?
- Not unless you want to.
Oh, thank God,
'cause even with my guys,
it was so boring.
I mean, it was one thing
when I was trapped
in a cage at the vet,
but to sit there by choice
when all my instincts
are telling me
to run around and kick ass,
it was hard and not fun.
[chuckles]
I mean, not in the slightest.
It was brutal.
- You know what I mean, right?
- No, I do, I do, but
Besides, I'm cured.
One and done for me, babe!
The only fun thing about group
was meeting that awesome squirrel.
Well, okay, but
Besides, I mean, we're good,
you and me, you know?
Yeah, I mean, maybe we're not
perfect, but we're good.
- Ahh
- Now to sleep
and dream about what high jinks
I'll get into with my new BSF.
[chuckles]
That's best squirrel friend.
Darla, now that we are rid
of that deranged parasite,
we can really focus
on us and my needs.
Are you ever gonna tell me
how you handled the situation?
I'll spare you the details.
But if you're down to role-play it,
I could be persuaded.
Lindsay?
[eerie music]
[chuckles] I should have
known there was no way
to contain her thrust lust forever.
I hope you like
psychosexual thrillers, Darla,
'cause we're in
for a triple feature.
As a matter of fact, I do.
[both moaning]
Darla. Oh, Darla.
♪
So you've just screwed up
your perfect life ♪
ALL:
You're in deep crap! ♪
Deep crap's a warm, soft
place to land ♪
ALL: Trust us,
way softer than pus
You better learn
to like it fast ♪
Live each day
like it's your last ♪
ALL: 'Cause your life
expectancy's not grand! ♪
You're damned,
avoid any long-term plans ♪
I'll kill you ♪
ALL: You were the best,
now you're just the rest ♪
And I smell like a dead,
rotten skunk ♪
Uh, I'm Tabitha, but you
can call me The Stuck Up One ♪
ALL: There's always a place for U ♪
In junk ♪
I feel lucky to be alive.
Oh, my goodness.
[all screeching]