How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Son, this is the story of my first life-changing opportunity as a photographer.
Okay.
At least your work stories have less sex.
True, but this one has drugs.
Hi, you must be Amber.
We spoke on the phone.
I'm Sophie Tompkins, here to see Naomi Reisberg.
I can't believe I'm saying those words out loud.
I have idolized Ms.
Reisberg since forever.
And now, she wants to meet me Oh, it's just been a dream to show in her gallery, and I even wore my good luck bangles! Naomi, Shortie McTalkie is here to see you.
Everyone in our system has a nickname.
Nothing personal.
That felt personal.
Don't care.
I'm meeting Naomi Reisberg.
Honestly, this is such an honor.
You know, I submitted my work a couple months ago, and I never heard back so then I just assumed that you weren't interested in showing my photographs Oh, I'm not.
My daughter Rivka's bat mitzvah is this Saturday, and our photographer dropped out at the last second.
So, I had Amber dig through our submissions to find someone halfway decent who'd be available, and that's you.
Halfway decent and available.
Uh Thanks? I really thought you called me in here about my artistic work.
- You didn't even look at my portfolio? - No.
I looked at the event photography on your web site.
Oh.
Cool.
Cool.
Listen, Sophie, I never do this, but I'm three days out from the party, and it's either you or my mom and her iPad.
So, how about this? You do a good job on Saturday, and I'll take a look at your artistic portfolio.
Oh my god! That would be amazing! - Great.
- Okay.
My baby only becomes a woman once, and this party is a who's who of New York royalty, so I want every moment captured.
Lin-Manuel Miranda gives a speech? Photo.
Billy Porter eats a lettuce wrap? Photo.
Anderson Cooper gets wasted and dances by himself to the new Adele song? Photo, photo, photo! Obviously, you'll need to bring your best assistant.
Obviously.
Yeah.
I mean, I never go anywhere without my assistant.
Who do you think's parking my car right now? Look at you literally whistling while you work.
I've never seen you this happy with your pants on.
Well, what can I say? I love earning an honest living.
Although, now you mention it, this job would be heaven without pants.
Ellen, what are your plans for today? I'm working on my memoirs.
And by working, I mean reading one celebrity memoir a week.
And by reading, I mean listening, so my hands are free for snacking.
Don't you miss working? I'm figuring out my next career move.
And I can get by on the checks from my farm, so You see, work gives me a purpose, and a drive, and the self-esteem of a nerd in Silicon Valley.
I mean, just look at all these five-star Yelp reviews I've received.
"Love that British bartender.
" Eh? "Come for the drinks, stay for the Charlie.
" - Hey! - And my personal favorite, "That British hunk is so hot that I started drinking again just to see him.
" That's not good.
Ahem! You are looking at the official photographer for renowned gallerist Naomi Reisberg's daughter's bat mitzvah on Saturday! Aw, you're doing that thing where you say, like, sad words in a happy voice.
I do it.
This bar is hemorrhaging money! Okay, I know it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but Naomi did say that she would look at my portfolio if I crushed the bat mitzvah photos.
Which I plan on doing with the help of my assistant Valentina.
Oh! I can't.
I have to go into the office on Saturday.
We're dressing, like, six huge names for a premiere, and I still need to accessorize Timothée Chalamet.
Wait, Timothée Chalamet, the pro wrestler? Yep.
Back then, he was a tiny little movie star.
God, your job is so cool.
I mean, your career is in the fast lane, and my career is hitchhiking on the side of the road, and there's no takers.
Okay, fine.
Let's, uh, bat that mitzvah.
Yes! Oh, Charlie, I need you to pick up a shift on Saturday.
Jesse and I are doing a classic Pound Day.
I'm sorry, what? I just heard it.
Guys, keep your heads out of the gutter, okay? A Pound Day is when we both have a lot of work to do.
We lock ourselves in our apartment, we get a bunch of snacks, and we pound - Each other! - Yeah! No! We pound out our work.
We keep each other from procrastinating.
Mm-hmm.
Hannah's on me about doing my wedding guest list.
And I'm finally gonna write my first song as a solo artist, without Meredith, and it's gonna be awesome! I mean Sonny wrote a ton of hits without Cher, I think.
Nope.
He became the mayor of Palm Springs, and then a congressman.
He revolutionized the United States copyright law.
It's all in his memoir! Hey, I know it's gotta feel like a lot to dive back into writing songs without Meredith, but you got this.
Thanks.
Just hope I'm ready.
I know that you are.
- But, just in case - Yeah? - Take a good look bangle.
- Good luck bangle? Yeah.
I mean, just to help you win your future Grammy, and if you do, then you have to thank me in your speech.
- Sure.
- Before your mom.
And God.
Deal.
Alright! Time to get our guest listing and songwriting on.
Woo! Let's pound, baby.
Mm.
Okay, I can't write songs with some bird just creepily staring at me with its beady eyes and its pecky beak.
Hey, shoo, you good-for-nothing winged rat! Ah! Ah! He summoned a friend! How do you make a bird leave your windowsill? We tried to "shoo.
" It didn't work.
- That's how you Google things? - Yeah.
- Jesse Check this out.
- Yeah.
- Bird makeup tutorial - That is not at all helpful Wow, she does all that with just face paint? Yeah, there's no way.
It's way too real.
Hi, fam.
Wanna look like a bird? Stop, stop, stop, stop.
This is an 18-minute video.
- We're supposed to be working.
- You're right.
- Just one minute.
- Yeah! We gotta see this.
Just one minute, just one minute.
Ellen, I have horrible news.
I have received a one-star Yelp review.
Ready? "Great bar, except for the insufferable British guy.
"The only thing worse than his drinks is his flat butt.
" I mean, it's not true, is it? Everybody knows I have a juicy bubble butt.
Dude, who cares? It's just Yelp.
It's where white people go to complain about how spicy Thai restaurants are.
I care, Ellen! My pristine reputation is on the line! I must figure out who wrote this dastardly review and get them to revise it.
I will not sleep or eat, until I have done so.
- You just - I mean starting now.
Oh good, you're here.
These are all the guests with whom Rivka should be photographed.
Start with titans of industry, followed by Tony Award winners, then Tony Award nominees, and if you get around to it, friends and family.
Oh! Here's Rivka.
Oh.
My.
God.
You did not tell me this was Rivka Rebel's bat mitzvah.
She has, like, a gazillion followers on Instagram.
- Oh.
- You know this pose? That was her.
She did it first.
Rivka, meet your photographer, Sophie, and this is her assistant, Valentina.
Hey, Rivka.
Mazel on your mitzvah.
Remember, you can contour a bad nose, but not a bad attitude.
Find your light, Rebels! Rivka out.
And Sophie in! I would love to get a photo Sorry, I don't pose for amateurs.
Good luck.
That's why our other photographer dropped out.
Oh, and watch out for Lin-Manuel Miranda.
He loves to photobomb.
Okay, who's the cruel Yelper? Sylvia.
Oh my god, it's Sylvia! Well, she's totally unaffected by my charm.
Last week, I asked her if she wanted a Charlie Special.
What's that? Oh, it's a special drink with a haiku written by me.
Oh But Sylvia says she doesn't appreciate "amateur poetry.
" And look.
The review was written by RavenHairedMaven712.
Sylvia has jet-black hair.
She's the maven! Time to get her to re-Yelp.
Ellen, prepare to see a charm offensive.
Ooh! Should we go "bright and cheery" or "sexy voice"? - Bright and cheery.
- Not sexy - No, no, no.
- Okay.
Sylvia! Darling! Is that a new top? I've had this top for over 40 years.
But, you should probably change yours.
It's very unflattering.
Right.
At least she didn't say anything mean about your butt.
- Should've done sexy voice.
- No.
Ready? One, two, three.
Wow! This is exactly what I'd look like if I was a bird.
And-and you look Can I try again? I'm so sorry.
Hm Nah.
I'm like a late bloomer bird, right? Had some tough years in high school, but I'm going into comedy.
Hm.
Okay.
Time to get back to work, right? - Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Back to work.
- Back to work.
We can't not take pictures first, though, right? Okay.
Let's go get our phones, you beautiful bird genius! Rivka.
I just need to get one picture of you in front of that neon sign, and then you can live your hashtag best life.
Oh my god, Rebels.
This photographer lady is tragic.
How am I supposed to crush the bat mitzvah photos when the bat mitzvah girl won't even acknowledge me? She acknowledged you.
You're tragic.
Let me try to talk to her.
I'm in fashion, I speak teen.
The trick is to mispronounce things confidently.
Wertch and lurnnn, gir'.
What urrrrrp? Not bad.
Oh, and neither are your boots.
How did someone like you get their old-ass feet into a pair of limited edition YSLs? Well, I work for Fred Z right now, but my Instagram is blowing up, so designers are reaching out to me directly.
I could get you some great stuff.
All you'd have to do is take a selfie with me.
Hm.
Hm.
Yeah.
No.
Hey, you're supposed to be helping me, not trying to get a selfie with her.
Sorry, sorry! I just thought a pic with her would be great for my brand.
You seem really tense.
You want a Xanax? I picked some up for when we had to go to Sid's improv show.
No.
You know I can't do pills.
The last time I took a Benadryl, I emailed my cousin and told him I've always wanted to kiss him.
Ew! Soph! Whatever! He's an underwear model, and I see him, like, twice a year.
But you're animal control! I mean, it's literally your job to come over here and control these animals Wow, I am a sexy bird.
H-hello? He hung up.
Siri, Google "how to get rid of trapped birds in your apartment.
" Oh, there's a new TikTok dance craze called the Trapped Bird.
So, fam, you want to learn how to do The Trapped Bird? Stop, stop, stop, stop.
No more viral bird crazes, alright? We just gotta go in there, put the snacks out on the fire escape, - and then the birds will leave.
- Right 'cause birds love snacks.
They're only human.
- Okay, ready? - Yep.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Fly! Follow your leaders, you disgusting gutter flappers! Oh! Okay, it's locked.
Mommy, look at those strange ladies.
We are not ladies! We're two men in pigeon makeup! Sylvia! How about a joke? Um Why did the bartender put laxatives in the drink? You put laxatives in my drink? No, of course not.
It's just a joke.
Why did the bartender put Why did the bartender put laxatives in the drink? For shits and giggles! That's the punchline! - I hate prank comedy.
- Of course you do, Sylvia Well, that was a disaster of epic proportions.
Yeah, I know.
Wait a minute "The British bartender's tight pants are a disaster of epic proportions" So, Sylvia and I use the same idioms.
That means less than nothing.
"His service skills are less than nothing!" Ellen? Are you the Raven-Haired Maven? No, I'm not! I don't even have Oh hello, Yelp.
I do not remember downloading you.
Oh, right Alright.
I'm off to work the late shift.
You know, it's not just clocking in to a job.
It is clocking in to a purpose.
You should really try it.
Hm.
After you left, I had way more than my usual half martini, aka Tiny-Tini, and it must have gone to my head.
You don't have a purpose, Ellen! You should get a job, Ellen! Guess what? Your butt's flat! Ellen, why would you write such horrible things? I don't know.
I mean, you have been kind of throwing your new job in my face, and I guess I'm a little jealous of you.
We both got to New York at the exact same time, and you already have a girlfriend that you love, and a job that you're great at.
You're lapping me at everything.
- Ellen, no.
- It's fine.
Don't you dare watch me sad walk away! So then, I was like, "not going to happen, Kanye.
Not while you're with Kim.
" Uh, Val? You're supposed to be helping me.
What the hell? Okay, I know this looks bad, but I got her to tag me, and it already has 6,000 likes.
Imagine what this will do for my brand.
Are you seriously still talking to me about your brand? Oh my god.
It just hit me.
Am I talking really fast? I feel like I'm talking really fast.
Let's twerk.
- What's wrong with them? - I don't know.
They remind me of my first time on Adderall.
Oh no.
So, they stole my tin of drugs.
You seem really tense.
Do you want a Xanax? - Lose the purse.
- Oh.
- What? What was in there? - Not much! Just a Xanax I offered you.
And some Canadian Adderall.
And some Ambien because I couldn't sleep after I took all the Canadian Adderall.
God.
High little children.
Everyone, get in the corner and and huddle up! You know, none of this would have happened if you hadn't been obsessed with getting your stupid selfie with Rivka.
You made today all about you and your brand, even though you already have an amazing job.
No, I don't.
My job is a nightmare.
What are you talking about? Your job always sounds so fancy and glamorous Because I make it sound that way.
But the truth is glamorous things happen around me, while I do menial grunt work for a psychopathic stylist.
Remember when I said I was going to spend today accessorizing Timothée Chalamet? That was a lie.
I was actually supposed to get the pit stains out of my boss's suede jacket before returning it to Balenciaga.
And if they noticed the pit stains, I was supposed to say my pits did it.
Okay, that is so messed up.
Also you have, like, the least sweaty pits in New York.
I know! I literally just drugged a group of kids, and I'm dry as a bone.
We don't lie to each other, Val.
It's part of our code, along with our agreement to never speak about what happened on Halloween 2018.
- What happened - I'll never tell! Why didn't you just tell me your job sucked? Because you've always seen me as this bad-ass boss bitch I didn't want to pop that bubble.
You couldn't if you tried.
You still love me? Yes, of course I do.
Wait a minute.
They took my other tin.
Huh? The wintergreen tin has all the good stuff.
The red tin is just ibuprofen and probiotics.
Okay, wait.
So, you're saying The placebo effect is real! These nerds are just headache and bloat-free with good gut health.
Hey, dorks, you're all on Super intense, very hard illegal drugs.
So, unless you want us to tell your parents you're, uh, smack heads, you're gonna go back out there and act sober.
You wouldn't really tell my mom, would you? She said she'd limit my screen time if she ever caught me with drugs.
My whole life is screen time.
She's going to limit my life! Oh.
Well then, you better get in there and give me every shot I need.
When I say smile, you say how hard.
And I'm talking about real smiles.
None of those dead-eyed Generation Z smiles.
You got it? Yes, ma'am.
That's more like it.
But do not call her ma'am.
- We are not that old.
- Correct.
Out you go.
Go on.
Dude, what's wrong with us? We should be in there pounding out our tasks, and instead, we're trapped out here being birds.
Yeah.
I don't know, man, today just felt kind of tough.
Jesse, I'm really struggling with this guest list, man.
Like, I really just I wanna invite people that are, like, super close to me, you know? And so many of those people are back in New Delhi.
I've been thinking for a long time that I wanted to have two weddings.
One here, one in India, but Hannah, she's already killing herself trying to plan one wedding and I don't want to overwhelm her and stuff, you know? Are you seriously laughing at me right now? I'm sorry! You're just You're, like, this hideous bird who wants two weddings! I couldn't focus today, either.
Sophie called it.
I'm scared I'll never write anything good without Meredith.
Of course you will, man.
You just need new inspiration.
Hello? Anybody home? Super let me in! Oh, thank God.
Animal control.
Wait! It this, like, a sex thing? You won't believe how many times it is.
Knock, knock.
You don't have to mouth-knock.
I don't deserve that courtesy.
'Course you do.
Look, Ellen, I I'm sorry that I was throwing my new job in your face.
You know, it wasn't fair.
But it's okay that you're still finding your footing here.
'Cause I thought you should know that you are already getting rave reviews.
Oh no.
Are you doing a thing? You look extremely pleased with yourself.
What on Earth is this? A new Yelp review for Ellen Gibson? Well, let's see what BritishBubbleButt31 has to say about you.
"Ellen Gibson has only been in New York for a little while, "but she's already the most interesting, beautiful, and loyal friend I've ever had.
" - Charlie - I know.
I outdid myself.
"She's also the most giving woman I've ever shared a room with.
Just nonstop giving all the time.
" Charlie, this sounds like I just Is that my actual number?! Hello? I hear you're real giving So, we need to have another talk about internet safety.
Great! Okay, Rivka.
Now, let's get one with your Hebrew school teacher, mid-jump.
Ugh.
Fine.
Just don't tag me, Jacob.
Well! I'm impressed.
And I haven't been impressed since Cirque du Soleil "Mystere.
" A deal's a deal.
Send your absolute best photo to Amber, the one that sums up who you are as an artist, and I'll consider squeezing you into our New Voices show.
I know just the one I'm going to send.
Thank you, Naomi.
Thank you.
I'll get it to you ASAP.
Wonderful.
Valentina.
Oh my god, Sophie, it's happening! I know! I know! - So what photo are you gonna send? - I don't know, I don't know! I gotta take the perfect shot.
So, Aunt Valentina didn't actually drug a bunch of tweens, and I didn't tank my first life-changing opportunity.
But now, I needed inspiration to strike.
Something someone else was struggling with at the exact same time.
- Hey, Jesse.
- Yeah? I talked to Hannah.
She gets it.
Okay, do you know how fine she's gonna look in a sari? Hey, man, I'm happy for you.
That you're with a girl that gets it.