How to Stay Married (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

SOPHIE: You want to get there early, because if we get there too late then, like, we might miss too much of the party.
- OK, but can you bring the - GREG: Bloody hell.
Em, we really need to rein in the kids' screen time.
Oh, no! This article is saying screen time is turning our kids into brain-dead, drug-addicted psychos.
- (PHONE DINGS) - Do you know if Shana's going? - Where's Chloe? - SIRI: Where are my iPad headphones? - This is out of control! - BRAD: Whoo-ooo! - We need to take this seriously! - Virtual reality is so real Gross, put some pants on, Dad, I am FaceTiming with Milly.
- Bloody hell.
- CHLOE: Dad, did you get my message? If you want to talk to me, come here! - CHLOE: But I just sent you a text! - Did you burn the toast again? - Sh! (SIGHS) - This is crazy.
- Golly! - Alright, that's it! No more screen time.
GIRLS: No! You can't be serious, Dad.
I need my phone today.
I'm going to Milly's.
Yeah, so you will be hanging out with everybody - that you want to talk to, Soph.
- Yeah, and they'll all have their phones.
Come on, guys, it's only until the end of the day and I honestly can't remember the last time I talked to you girls - without someone holding a device.
- It's usually you! If were addicted, you're doubly addicted.
You're always looking at your emails.
And Dad's always checking the cricket score.
Believe it or not, this screen ban is more important to me than checking the score on what should be a thrilling last day of the final test in Bangladesh.
So I'm in.
In.
In.
Against my will.
- Good girl.
- Mu-u-um Oh! Oh, I forgot.
Unbelievable.
- I am so proud of us.
- BRAD: Wait! You don't have to do this, mate.
I am a role model to these kids, Greg.
You are? I take that responsibility very seriously.
Alright, no phones, no tablets, no screens until sunset.
How does that sound? - Bad.
- Bad.
ADULTS: Great.
- Are you gonna kiss James tonight? - (SCOFFS) Sophie? You look like a panda with shiny lips.
Shut up.
Chloe, a little less teasing and a little more teeth cleaning, please.
Have a nice time at the party, darling.
It's not a party, Mum, it's a gathering.
Dad, hurry up! I can't be late.
She looks about 20.
Yeah, I think there might be a boy going to this party who she might have a little bit of a crush on.
Well, maybe she shouldn't go to this party.
Or any party.
Or school.
Get the goss on the way 'cause you'll have her trapped without any distractions.
I'm not using the car as an interrogation booth.
Well, you're not using our car full-stop because I need it too take Chloe on a girls' day out.
Then whose car am I taking? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey, Marls, um, sorry to do this to you (WHISPERS) Could we borrow the van? Yeah, yeah.
Uh, what's ours is yours, Greg, you know that.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- There ya go.
- Why are we whispering? Oh, Terry's in with a new client.
First one since Brad.
She she seems like a lovely woman but her name is Siri Apple.
- Strange name.
- Isn't it? Yeah.
She's gotta have some real issues, right? She could be a long-termer.
Yeah, Terry needs this! He needs a real bonkers one.
- Good luck.
Coming, Soph.
- (CHUCKLES) - See you.
- Thanks, Marlo.
Can't I go with Dad and Sophie? Oh, Chlo, why would you want to do that? We are going to have a fun girls' day together with no screens.
Usually, when it's just us, you call people and I play on the iPad.
Oh, w-well, not this time.
We're going to experience the great outdoors.
Could we bring the iPads? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We are going to catch yabbies.
What's a yabbies? Well, yabbies Yabbies are like these little black scorpions that live in rivers.
I haven't been yabbying in years! Can Uncle Brad come on a girls' day too? I haven't been on a girls' day in years.
I've never been on a girls' day! Because it's a girls' day, Brad.
A girls' day.
Yeah, and it's 2018, Em.
- (CHUCKLES) Read a newspaper.
- Yay! (VAN BACKFIRES) And away we go.
Dad, do you even know how to get there without Google Maps? (SCOFFS) Of course I do.
The only thing you have to worry about is being there too early, which is way more uncool, am I right? Well, not today.
Milly is gonna straighten my hair before everyone gets there.
I think your hair looks great.
Looks epic.
So, this par-tay Gathering.
Ah, will there be any alcohol? Of course not.
Will there be any people who are not girls? Boys? Milly's little brother will be home.
OK.
Anyone who's not related to Milly? Probably.
Boys from school? - Probably.
- And do you like any of these boys? They're probably fine.
Good.
Great.
It's more like we're besties rather than father and daughter, isn't it? No, we're exactly like father and daughter.
Was a good chat.
Oh, Chloe, the great outdoors.
Just you and me This is going to be the best girls' day ever.
- And Uncle Brad.
- (WATER FLOWS) Oh, wait a second, can you hear that? We must almost be at the creek.
I don't think that's the creek.
Oh, my God, Chloe, close your eyes, sweetheart.
Are you right there, mate? You couldn't just go, like, a little further into the bush? What's your problem, lady? Oh, I think my problem is clearly stated.
And you are still going, by the way.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't walk the Kokoda Trail to relieve myself, Your Majesty.
I'm sure you've done the same thing.
CHLOE: Do you wee on trees, Uncle Brad? Well, it's interesting, I definitely see both points of view.
I mean I Is that a drone? Oh, of course, I should have guessed, you're a drone person.
Those things are the jet skis of the sky.
It's a pretty good one, actually, what model is that? It's actually Navig Pro.
Look, we are just trying to enjoy the great outdoors so go hover over some other family with your drone.
Your voice is a drone! Oh, that was mean.
Can I open my eyes now? Siri Apple? That's an interesting name.
Not as weird as the last one I had.
It was Easy Peasy Japanesey.
- It's wierd.
- That's weird.
Why do you find that weird, Siri? It's hanging above the dinner table, that's where people eat.
If I had to eat while looking at that, I'd spew.
Does the sight of two people in love and nude confront you? It'd be fine if it was just your missus, but with you in it, makes it pretty sick.
Ah-ha! Sick.
I understand that to mean 'pretty cool'.
I meant sick as in 'disgusting'.
- EM: Put some meat the corner - BRAD: Yeah place them in the water and wrap the rope around the rock like this.
OK.
Alrighty, the nets are all set.
Watch this, Uncle Brad! Oh, just, hey, be careful, guys, we don't want to scare the yabbies.
Don't yabbies like rocks? Well, no, not on their heads.
Hey, Chlo, check this one out.
(CHUCKLES) (GIGGLES) - Ready? - Mm-hm.
(SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) OK, well, I'll just keep an eye on the nets.
Ooh, that's a good one.
- Look, Uncle Brad! - Chloe, little scorpions, remember? Ready, watch this.
Side throw and flick the wrist.
- This is fun! - Yeah! Hey, Chloe, while we wait, do you wanna play hide-and-seek? - Yay! - Yeah, OK, I bet you can't find me.
I am the hiding queen.
So, you want to count? Uh-huh.
One, two three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Ready or not, here I come.
- Found you, Uncle Brad.
- Oh! Coming for you now, Mum.
Getting warmer.
So, this gathering Party.
Gathering.
Sounds hectic.
(SIGHS) Please, Dad, just don't.
What? Well, it sounds weird when you say hectic.
You do know that words existed before you were born? Your generation didn't invent words.
All you gave us was 'yass queen'.
Nobody thanks you for that.
Dad, people will be there by now.
Are we lost? We're not lost, Sophie.
Can we please just bail on this stupid screen ban and ask to use someone's phone? We're not using screens, Soph.
But look (IMITATES SCARLETT O'HARA) I have sometimes relied on the kindness of strangers.
You sound like an idiot.
I'm here! Hey, Chloe, Brad! Chloe! Coo-ee! (GROANS) BRAD: Hey, Chloe, I think we should head back now.
CHLOE: Look, a haunted house! Why do you always think everything's haunted? I've seen his place in my dreams and it didn't end well.
What dream? Chloe, don't you go in there! (GIGGLES) (GIGGLING CONTINUES) Chloe? Chloe? - (SIGHS) - (GIGGLES) If you're trying to creep me out, you're doing a terrible job.
(GIGGLES) Chloe? (GROANS) - Boo! - (YELLS) Oh I'm stuck.
This is what I saw in my dream.
(GROANS) No, seriously, I really am stuck.
You're funny, Uncle Brad.
- No, I'm serious.
Where's my phone? - Oh - (GROANS) - You really are stuck.
I'm never leaving you, Uncle Brad.
Chloe! Hey, Brad! Oh, come on, guys, this is not funny anymore! - (SIGHS) - (BUZZING) SIRI APPLE: What's that? That's a choice.
- Muffin - Uh-uh! Not so fast, little lady.
You can eat the muffin, but if you do, you will continue your life of sloth.
Eat the celery stick, and this will symbolise your rebirth into a new, more engaged way of life.
Ah yeah, I'm probably gonna eat the muffin.
I want you to see an opportunity.
Now, I'm going to leave the room to 10 minutes so you can make your choice.
This is going to be the easiest choice I've ever made.
Siri, this is gonna be harder than you think.
My God, what is taking so long? What took you so long? - Do you study Chinese at school? - Yeah, why? Well, he tried to give me directions, but I-I just couldn't quite understand.
- Did you ask again? - Yes, I did! And h-he tried again, I didn't quite catch it.
So, I-I tried one more time How hard is it to say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand you.
Would you mind repeating that?" You can't ask somebody to repeat themselves four times! - Why not? - Be-cause it's racist.
It's what? It's racist.
- (SIGHS) - So I panicked and I bought a cabbage.
You're an idiot, Dad.
Do you need me to repeat that four times? No, I heard that the first time.
Jeez, Dad.
Hi.
Sorry about my dad.
Um I was wondering if you had the directions to Church Street? Ah, Church! - Yes, Church Street.
- (SPEAKS CHINESE) Yes.
OK, thanks, sir.
Ah you got it! School fees just paid for themselves.
Whatever.
Can we just go? Is this it? Yes.
The kind man very kindly drew me a map.
Well, it appears he was less kind with the detail.
(SIGHS) We're never gonna get to Milly's now.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
(SIGHS) You know, it's not entirely my fault.
Of course it is.
The stupid screen ban was your idea.
(SIGHS) I'll get you there, sweetie.
I promise.
I dunno, hun.
Nobody would choose celery over a muffin.
Ah you're missing the point.
This is the moment when that wayward lass confronts her inner demons and chooses life.
I know she's gonna make the right choice.
Feel it.
Now, better get back in.
Yeah.
So, what's it going to be, Siri? Oh, bloody hell.
She took the muffin, didn't she? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
And my ID.
And 100 bucks! Oh, Tez (CAR HORN HONKS) Hey, I need your help! My daughter's missing! And Brad! Oh, hello! - Mr Drone Man! - Oh, it's you.
Yeah, hi.
I can't apologise enough for before.
But do you think you can find them? I'd I'd love to but I'm busting for a slash and I'd need to walk all the way back to the kiosk, so Well, there are some trees over there.
Oh, I wouldn't dare.
I think under the circumstances Oh, so it's OK under your circumstances but it's not OK under my circumstances? Well, no, under any circumstances, it's great.
I mean, we should all be doing it more often.
You go then.
What? You go, behind that.
But Um I don't really need to go.
I'll wait.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Jesus, lady, you don't actually have to do it.
Oh.
Hang on, I I think I've found them.
This guy has his head stuck in a window.
Oh, that's Brad! BRAD: Help! Help! Help! Hey! GIRL: Thanks, Mum.
See you later.
Oh, Sophie's here.
OK.
Well, that map was more accurate than I initially thought.
Soph, I imagine there's a boy in that party - Gathering.
- Gathering.
that you like and if he likes you, then he won't care about how your hair is.
And if he does, he's an idiot.
Believe it or not, your mum didn't exactly love me straight off the bat, you know, it took a while, and the first night at the Loaded Cage OK, well, ah, I'm late, so I should probably go in.
Yep.
Happy gathering.
Hey! COMMENTATOR: (ON RADIO) And he's gone! He's taken one (SWITCHES STATIONS) COMMENTATOR 2: (MUFFLED) .
.
here in Bangladesh (SWITCHES OFF RADIO) (SIGHS) EM: Oh, God! There she is! - Chloe - Mummy! Oh, darling, are you OK? Mummy, Uncle Brad's about to die.
- How did you manage this? - Look! It doesn't matter how I got here.
Can you get me out, please? Alright, I've got an idea.
I'm not hungry, I need you to get my head out.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I just think, hold that, Chloe, I just need to give you a little bit of lubrication.
- Don't put it on my ears! - Well, it's that or you lose your ears! - OK.
- I shouldn't have come.
- (GIGGLES) - I ruined your girls' day.
Oh, yeah, you think so? Yuck! (GROANS) Um OK.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, thanks a bunch, Em.
I've got butter on my ears.
Ah! Ah! Ow! (YELLS) Oh, my God! Oh, are you OK? Hello.
Who are you? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I'm a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Not like a doll one, but an actual one.
From a cabbage patch.
Thank you.
Please tell your friends that drone people are good people.
Thank you, Drone Man! Come on, Uncle Butter Ears, let's go check the yabby nets.
(PLAYS TUNELESSLY) (LOUD KNOCK ON WINDOW) What are you still doing out here? I don't know how to get home without you.
(SCOFFS) It's cool.
I'm happy to hang in the car.
What? But I'll be ages.
Yeah, cool.
I can entertain myself.
(CHUCKLES) Milly's mum and dad are watching the cricket on the biggest TV I've ever seen.
I know it'll break the screen ban, but Yeah, OK.
It's Bangladesh.
It's apparently a cracker.
- OK.
- Whoo.
So, how did you win over Mum? I asked questions.
OK, got it.
Ask questions.
Yeah, but that's that's not the half of it.
What your mum really loved was that I actually listened to her answers so when we had a date a few weeks later, I remembered that her favourite band was They Might Be Giants and that she wanted to travel to Moscow one day and one day write a book.
Sounds pretty hectic, Dad.
Yeah, it is pretty hectic Soph.
- Your screen ban was pretty, ah - Epic? Nice try, Dad.
(PLAYS HARMONICA) - Yeah, no.
- Oh.