I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e07 Episode Script

See, Nora, kids are all in one piece.
What'd you think, things would fall apart without you guys here? What is that? Hey, look at that.
Fresh powder.
You're nothing but trouble but trouble's what I like Got a whole life to figure it out so why start tonight Just take a picture of me taking a picture of you Making the face that makes me laugh And you start laughing too And when the world looks upside down Just flip the camera the other way around 'Cause this will be the time of our, time of our lives We're taking the world by surprise Hang on it's a crazy ride Yeah, this will be the time of our, time of our lives And even when it don't feel right Know that you're doing just fine 'Cause this is the time of our lives Check out what I found on the Internet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
It's hilarious when people step on rakes.
It is when dad does.
Ouch! Okay, for your information, I found the most awesome cheap-on deal ever.
Here we go again.
- What? - Nothing.
Don't listen to them.
Logan, you pick out the absolute best Sorry, I couldn't even finish that sentence.
Your cheap-ons stink.
Happy mother's day from me and lindy.
Mostly Logan.
Look who got his teeth whitened.
Let me guess.
Half off? How'd you know? Can you believe it? Twenty pounds of Sushi for four dollars.
Well, this one's different.
Two nights in a four-bedroom, deluxe ski cabin right on Mount Racine.
I have to admit, the pictures do look good.
And nobody loves snowboarding more than I do.
And nobody loves snowboarders more than I do.
They're at the top of my dude pyramid.
Our parents aren't gonna let us go on our own.
I got it! We make it look like an alien abduction I'm gonna need a spaceship, some green slime, and a befunneled farmer.
Or, here's a nutty idea.
We ask for permission.
Okay, but it didn't work the last time I tried it.
Logan, mom and dad were never gonna let you sell your organs to buy a monkey Butler.
You know what's wrong with this cabin? Oh, that's right, absolutely nothing! I detected no molds on the shower curtain and there's a tidy toity sani-strip on the toilet seat.
Tidy toity for the tender tushy.
You're welcome.
It's beautiful here, and so Peaceful.
What? Peaceful! What is that noise? That is the Blizzard 2000 snow maker.
Okay.
Yeah, it's a little loud, but let's concentrate on the positive.
We literally cannot be any closer to the slopes.
Okay.
I am okay.
Still better than the Sushi.
Delia, please tell me you're not gonna spend the whole day reading The Penelope Harkness story.
You're saying it wrong.
It's Pioneer Woman! The Penelope Harkness story.
Jas, what is it? Is it a mouse, a rat? Worse.
I left my makeup bag at home.
Come on, you're being silly.
It's not the end of the world.
Maybe you're right.
I could just borrow some of yours.
- Oh, I didn't bring any.
- How are we even friends? Delia, do you have any makeup I could borrow? Did you just meet me? I'm naturally beautiful.
Jas, you don't need makeup for snowboarding.
But I do for snowboarders.
You wouldn't expect me to leave the house without clothes, would you, and makeup is the clothes of the face.
I cannot go out there face-naked.
Jas, come on.
It's not all about boys all the time.
How are we even friends? Penelope Harkness didn't have makeup.
She didn't even have teeth, and she bagged seven husbands.
This was before the Internet, so men had nobody to compare her to.
Jas, you're not seriously gonna give up a whole day of snowboarding because you're worried about impressing guys.
Sorry, but I'll be in my room, pinching my cheeks, trying to bring some color to this lifeless pallor.
Jas, it's freezing outside.
Your cheeks will turn red on their own.
Plus, your nose will start running, and it'll freeze on your face.
That'll give you a nice glow.
I cannot wait to hit the slopes.
But you will.
We're going antiquing.
Nora, don't be ridiculous.
We're only here for two days.
You really wanna spend one of 'em having an argument you're not gonna win? I'll warm up the car.
Hey, that's a job for the man of the house.
I'll take care of it when I get back.
From antiquing? - It's man-tiquing.
- And grocery shopping.
Bro-cery you know what, forget it.
Garrett, come on, let's hit the slopes.
Uh, yeah, I really want to, but I seem to have a tickle in my throat.
- You know, a little congestion.
- Wait a minute.
You've never snowboarded? Huh, let me think.
Have I ever careened at high speeds down rock-hard ice on a thin piece of slippery fiberglass? Of course I've never been snowboarding.
Then why'd you come this weekend? Because I'm trying to get over my fears and toughen up.
Yeah, and how's that goin'? Not gonna lie.
It's been tough.
Garrett, you're fine.
It's perfectly safe.
Well, if it's so safe, why do I have to wear knee pads, wrist guards, goggles and a helmet? Who are you kidding? You wear all that stuff when you ride the choo-choo at the mall.
I don't know why they call this the bunny slope.
It seems very intimidating.
Garrett, come on.
Even these little guys are doing it.
Oh, you kids are so cocky with your low centers of gravity and your rubbery bones.
Would you relax and enjoy your private lesson? I'm gonna head off to the experts' slopes.
Hi, I'm Dash.
Who's ready to learn how to snowboard? That would be me.
She is actually a very hopeless beginner.
Teach me, Dash.
Where'd you get the hat, forever 18-21? I did it the pioneer way.
Skinned a calf, dried its hide, and sewed it by hand while it was on my head.
Really? No.
Found it on the coat rack.
Are you really not going snowboarding? You don't need makeup.
Have some confidence.
Confidence? That was the name of my favorite lipstick.
I miss her.
Stop it, jas.
It's all in your head.
You don't even look that different without makeup.
Hey, Delia.
Who's the dude? I am never leaving this cabin.
Hey, I was just kidding.
Hello.
It's dad.
Um, I don't wanna alarm you, but something terrible has happened.
Your mother and I are trapped.
What? Where? In an antique store.
The bridge is out, and I don't know when we're gonna get back to the cabin.
That's cool.
No, it's not cool.
There are five teenagers at that cabin and no adults.
I need someone to step up and be responsible.
- I'm your man.
- Good.
Now put lindy on the phone.
What about me, all right? I'm responsible.
Monkey Butler.
Dad, how am I gonna prove that I'm responsible if no one ever gives me a chance? Seriously, you can depend on me.
You know what, son? You're right.
You are ready.
You've had a good, strong male role model.
Hold my purse.
I'll call you later.
All right, I'll be right back.
Just keep practicing your balance.
Okay, Dash.
Dash back.
What exactly do you think you're doing? I'm crushing on a really cute guy.
I appreciate that, lindy, but I think it's best we just stay friends.
Besides, isn't this supposed to be my lesson? I'm the beginner.
And for all Dash knows, I'm a beginner, too.
And that's all he's gonna know, got it? You mean keep a secret? No, I can't.
It's too much pressure.
Come on, you'll be fine.
Just stay calm.
No, I literally cannot do it.
Every time I try, I end up overcompensating.
Words start spilling out of my mouth.
How are my two beginners doing? Great! Two beginners, novices.
Never done this before.
Blank slate, snowboarding.
What's that? We don't know.
- Gotcha.
- Oops.
It's a good thing you have shoulders that are so grab on-able.
First things first.
Before you learn to go, you've got to learn to stop.
Here, turn this way.
Oh, whoa, uh, hello.
Guys, about that stopping thing, how does that work, because I seem to be Uh, guys! Guys! Are you sure you're supposed to be messing with that? Yes, I'm authorized.
My dad left me in charge.
The man of the house.
You're the man of the house? I have more hair on my legs than you do.
Wouldn't brag about it, sweetie.
I got this, Delia.
Go back to your romance novel.
It's not a romance novel.
Although Penelope's third husband was often shirtless.
Of course, shirts were out of the question once you got the prairie fungus.
You know what? I can't take this anymore.
- Where do you think you're going? - For makeup.
There's a drugstore that's, like, a 15-mile walk.
You're not going anywhere, young lady, not on my watch.
It's too dangerous.
I'm getting makeup.
I don't care how cold it is out there, or how much snow I have to trudge through.
I did it! I made a fire! I made you! It's freezing out there.
Thought you were gonna build a fire.
That was so great, Dash.
I felt like I was on my own.
Even though you held my hand the whole time, which, fyi, is fine with me.
Let's do it again.
Remember me? The guy who slid down the Mountain because nobody showed him how to stop? I'm fine, by the way.
I ran into a pudgy four-year-old who broke my fall.
Sorry.
This girl needs a lot of help.
Actually, she doesn't.
She needs a ton of help.
A mega-ton.
She needs to become an astronaut, and discover a new galaxy to make room for all the help she needs.
Okay, you two, so knees bent, and always look where you're going, not at your board.
But what if you don't know where you're going? Where do you look then? All right, let's focus on you for a while, Garrett.
Most of the weight is gonna be on your back foot.
That's how you get your control and - Oh, my ankle.
- Are you okay? I don't know.
I think I strained it.
Like you've done with the truth? We'd better immobilize it.
- I'll go get an inflatable cast.
- What? No! You know, maybe I should just stay off of it for a while.
Like maybe in the lodge by a roaring fire with some hot cocoa.
But you should come with.
I may be too weak to hold my own cup.
No, you need that cast.
And I may have to carry you down the Mountain.
Well, you know best.
Don't you dare tell him I'm not hurt.
Lindy, the last thing I need is to keep another secret.
Come on, I really like this guy.
If I didn't, would I give up a whole day of snowboarding? Oh, so it is okay to miss snowboarding for guys.
I thought it wasn't about boys all the time.
Whatever you do, don't tell Jasmine about this.
More secrets? No, no.
I'm not gonna play your sick, twisted lying games anymore.
I can't and I won't.
- I'm back.
- Hurry.
She may lose the leg.
Aren't you going back to the slopes? Are you kidding? I got a cabin full of teenagers.
I promised my dad I'd watch you kids like a hawk.
Oh, hey, lindy.
Have fun out there? Yo, Hawkeye, aren't you gonna ask your sister about the bouncy house on her leg? I was getting to that, and I will do it my own way.
What's with the bouncy house on your leg? I'm fine.
It's just an inflatable cast.
You wanna know what it's inflated with? Lies.
It's a long story, but I'm fine.
Garrett, I told you, I couldn't help it.
I don't know if it was the high altitude or his smile.
Whose smile? Was it a cute boy? Oh, never mind.
Don't even tell me.
I'm over boys.
I'm over having a social life.
And I'm over having a face.
I can't take it.
You want makeup? Here.
This is how Penelope Harkness did it.
Okay, not exactly my color, but it'll do.
Delia, Penelope me.
Um, Logan, by any chance, did you use fresh-cut wood, the kind that doesn't burn well, but makes a lot of smoke? Uh, yeah, I guess I did.
How'd you know? Just a hunch.
Quick, open up all the windows.
Hold it! I'm getting to that, and I'll do it my own way.
Quick, open all the windows! Thank goodness the smoke is gone, because mom and dad would've - Where are mom and dad? - The bridge is out.
They don't know when they're getting back.
Dad left me in charge.
I was his first choice.
He never mentioned you.
Okay, well, mom and dad were gonna bring back groceries, Mr.
in charge.
So what's for dinner? One of the most important qualities of being a leader is delegating.
Anybody got any ideas? Well, this is the end.
This is how we go.
I am literally starving.
My stomach lining is actually eating itself.
Okay, so we know what you're eating.
What are the rest of us gonna do? As the only one with any real guts here, I'll brave the elements and forage for something.
I hope everybody likes stew.
A raccoon? Please tell me you're not turning him into stew.
Of course not.
I'm gonna make him into meatloaf.
Come on, st How do you like your raccoon? Wisecracking? In a cartoon? I'm just gonna have some strawberries.
Hey, where's that bowl? - How do I look? - Oh! Like a clown married a fruit salad and had you.
Let's get cooking, st Oh, no, you're not using that stove unsupervised.
Fine.
You can help me.
I need a pot of boiling water and a small baseball bat.
Hey, Delia, what does Penelope use as makeup remover? A hungry deer with a rough tongue.
You ow, it doesn't look that bad.
So how were the slopes? Did I miss a lot of cute guys? You know, I really didn't notice.
- Who is it? - Dash.
- Oh, no, Dash is here.
- Who's Dash? I don't know.
Uh I don't know anyone named Dash.
What a weird name, right? What is he, a reindeer? Garrett, don't you remember? That was your snowboarding instructor from your private lesson that you had alone.
Oh, that Dash.
Turns out I do know someone named Dash.
I guess I'll just go let him in, or send him away.
I don't know.
- Why are you acting so weird? - Because I can't keep a secret.
Okay, lindy told you that you shouldn't miss snowboarding 'cause you shouldn't worry about guys.
But the minute she got on the Mountain, she started crushing on the instructor.
Pretended she'd never snowboarded before, hogged my whole lesson, then pretended to have a fake injury just to get his sympathy, and then six-year-olds made fun of me, which isn't part of this story, but I had to get it off my chest.
I hope that's all of it.
So you tell me one thing, then go behind my back and do the exact opposite, for a boy? I know, jas.
Look, I am so sorry.
I gave you that whole speech and then I went out I am so proud of you! Does he have a friend for me? I saw a blueberry bush outside, I can be ready in five minutes.
- Hello.
Lindy? - Jas, you open the door.
I'm gonna put on my inflatable cast.
Just a minute.
No, I gotta check this Dash guy out before I let him in.
Don't invite him for dinner.
There won't be enough to go around.
I'm already stretching stu as it is.
Sorry, stu What do you want, Dash? If that's even your real me.
It is, and I'm here to see lindy.
Yeah, and what are your intentions, young man? Dude, I'm just here to check out her leg.
Oh, you're not going anywhere near my sister's leg.
You wanna see a leg? We're twins.
Check out mine.
Yeah! Hurry.
It's gotta look right.
Sorry, I've never reinflated a plastic cast for a fake leg injury before.
Here.
Once Penelope Harkness used fireplace bellows to reinflate a buffalo carcass which she lived in for the winter of aught six.
She even had a square dance in there one night.
Cozy but stinky.
Jas, stop! Oh, my gosh! Fine.
You got two minutes, but I'm keeping my eye on you, fella.
Hey, lindy.
How's the leg? Um, it's a little swollen, but feels better now that you're here.
So you haven't been able to walk? No, I've been lying here all day.
You can say that again.
What happened to the cast? What do you mean? This? Uh, it's actually a really funny story.
Do you wanna hear a funny story? Boy, I've got a doozy for you.
Lindy is an expert snowboarder.
She faked her injury because she thought you were cute.
Then she blew up her cast, buffalo carcass-style, and you can't stay for dinner because we don't have enough raccoon! That was all of it.
You made this all up? What is wrong with you? Dash, wait, I can explain.
- Ow, I really hurt my ankle.
- Sure, you did.
Why'd your friend leave so soon? Thanks a lot, Garrett.
It is not my fault.
I told you I wasn't good at keeping secrets.
You know what, Garrett? You were right.
Look, I am so sorry.
I acted like an idiot.
I saw cute guy and I got incredibly selfish.
Again, so proud.
And on top of everything else, I messed up your lesson.
You never learned to snowboard.
It's okay.
I can learn some other time.
No, look.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I am gonna personally teach you.
Ah! Although I may have to teach you on one leg.
I am really sorry.
Come here.
Oh, you two made up.
That's so sweet.
I just got the chills.
That's because it's freezing in here.
We must've left the window open when we were airing out the smoke.
In the meantime, let's get that fire going.
Good luck.
Are you kidding me? It's about time you two got back.
Sorry.
We had to wait six hours.
At least I finally found the perfect antique lamp.
I hope you didn't pay a lot.
It looks like it's 100 years old.
See, Nora, kids are all in one piece.
What'd you think, things would fall apart without you guys here? What is that? Hey, look at that.
Fresh powder.
My lamp! I mean, is everyone okay? Wait, where's Garrett? I'm doing it! I'm snowboarding! I love this! Wait.
How do I stop again? I'm okay.
And as my seventh husband, Walter Beckett, a kindly sharecropper who limped after a tussle with a coyote, held my hand, I thought back No more cheap-on deals.
I said to myself, Penelope, you fought bears.
You've climbed mountains, swam icy rivers, threw an unforgettable mixer in a buffalo carcass.
But in the end, it was your makeup that killed you.
Ladies, not all berries make good lipstick.
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