I Feel Bad (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 I love getting rid of old junk, but I always run into the same obstacle.
Oh, my God! My T-shirt from the Fun Run! - Uh-huh.
- Came in 19th in my age group.
- I know.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, and Lily's white belt from karate.
She earned this the first day 'cause we paid - for the whole year up front.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
The memories! - This is the junk pile.
- What? Really? - Yes, I was looking for something to wear to our 15th-anniversary party, but, oh, my God, we have so much crap.
Crap? Okay, real the kids' artwork is crap now? David, we have, like, 20 scraps of paper where four-year-old Louie drew lines and dots.
I mean, we get it you can draw a line, you can draw a dot.
Congratulations.
I'm keeping five.
I'm just saying, I think you can be a little cold.
All right, well, I'm just saying I think you can be a little sappy.
Well, I don't think there's a person in the world that would agree with you.
[gasps.]
Okay, that is Jake's bloody swaddle that we wrapped him in when he was first born.
It's where I keep the kids' teeth and hair.
Put it down, you psycho! Okay, you saved every tooth our children lost and a lock of hair from every haircut, and I'm the psycho? At least I'm hoping that's what these are.
Oh, my God.
I don't want to have to lie to the police.
You know what? Just leave me alone.
Precious memories.
Precious memories I'll throw out when you're sleeping.
[upbeat music.]
- - David finally agreed to part with some stuff, although I'm pretty sure I saw him hiding his Fun Run shirt in the planter.
Ah, thank you.
Babe, don't you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders? - We have so much space now.
- Yeah.
Do you still think we'll still be in love with each other in 20 years? - David.
- Yeah? I want to be able to see into the closet.
We are still growing old together.
It just bothers me that you can so easily emotionally detach yourself from things that I find meaningful.
What if we're so different, one day you just detach from me? Babe, babe, babe.
Don't be crazy, okay? I can't afford this mortgage by myself.
- Okay.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Wow.
When you said you were cleaning your closets, I thought, "Perfect, now you have room for all the junk - you keep at my house.
" - Great.
All right, let's see what it is.
Oh, it's all my old college stuff.
It doesn't spark joy for me.
There are six more boxes on the porch.
- What? - [cell phone ringing.]
Oh, it's Daddy calling from his golf trip.
You've been gone from home for one day.
Get a life, man.
Ouch.
I see your cold, cold heart condition is hereditary.
- Right from her.
- Yeah.
Oh, my Baby? The day we skipped class, - went to the beach.
- Oh, my God.
- See? I keep stuff.
- I mean, that was a big day.
I mean, that was the day we finally knew that we were really in love with one another, and then I got you the necklace to commemorate our beach-aversary.
- Yeah.
- Try giving her mother a good gift once in a while.
A candle for my birthday? We have electricity.
- Okay.
- That was the first big gift I ever got you.
First big gift I ever got any woman because you're the only woman I ever really loved.
Babe! Well, it's so special.
- Yeah? - It's my favorite necklace.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Okay? I have absolutely no [bleep.]
idea what necklace he's talking about.
You know, I haven't seen you in that necklace in forever.
Yeah, 'cause I was afraid of losing it, babe.
Oh, no, no, no.
I think you should just wear it.
I mean, it would remind me of old times and Yeah, well, you just ruined the surprise, mister.
- What? - I was going to wear it for our anniversary party.
- I would love that.
- I would love that also.
Oh, look! This is the teddy bear I bought you when you had your tonsils out.
Oh.
I hid my fun money in there.
- [fabric tearing.]
- Oh.
Hey Daddy's away.
Deuces Gone Wild Spa and Casino, Mama's coming to play.
- That's a lot of money.
- That seems right.
Hey, Lily, we don't have to do anything for Mom and Dad's anniversary, right? Nah, we're off the hook for anything before we were born.
Great, there's too many things to celebrate.
The macaroni's barely dry on the Mother's Day gift, and we're already pulling out the pipe cleaners - for Father's Day.
- Hey, guys, hey.
Listen, is your, uh, dad back yet? No, he's still playing basketball.
Oh, great.
[objects clattering.]
You're looking for that necklace you were pretending to have, aren't you? Okay, I know I have it somewhere.
You better find it for the sake of your marriage.
I know.
Did you hear what Grandma said? What if Mom and Dad are in trouble? Yeah, maybe we should do something for their anniversary remind them how good they've got it.
Yeah, we can't let them get divorced.
I don't want to end up like Judson.
He has to teach his dad's new girlfriend math.
- Oh.
- Oh, what is wrong with me? I can't find what I'm looking for because I don't even know what it looks like.
Wait.
Do you remember what it looks like? Yes.
I remember exactly what it looked like.
Oh, thank God.
Great.
Will you draw it for me? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
[exhales sharply.]
That was fast.
"It looks like a woman who is screwed.
" Happy anniversary, dear.
Oh, great.
You guys are in.
Listen, I need your help.
I spent the whole weekend cleaning, which, I think we can all agree, is the worst.
- [coughs.]
- What, what, what? Oh, unless you're talented at it like Gladys, and then you should do it professionally and follow your bliss.
Damn it.
Ugh.
Okay, look, I just need you guys to help me go through these boxes of my old college stuff.
David gave me this special necklace, and I have no idea what it looks like, so I can't find it.
I need clues.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Let's see what's in this sad-ass box of memories.
Number one we got art-class sketches.
Oh, no, no, no.
Put that down.
That's probably the one thing in the box I do care about.
Oh, you don't care about this guy in a porkpie hat playing the clarinet? Oh, I do, 'cause I married him.
That is David and his college swing band, "Big Papa D and the Jinx.
" Wow.
So, tell me, was it his ponytail or his chain wallet that made you think, "Ooh, husband material"? What do you know, Chewey? You're alone.
- Checkmate.
- Oh, boy.
Jackpot.
What, what? Did you find a clue? I found what appears to be 75 pages of "Bloodlust: A Zuzhana St.
DuBois Story.
" Were you trying to write a trashy vampire novel? No, that was for English lit.
"As he penetrated her pulsating jugular, she thought, if this is how the night would be, she no longer needed daylight.
" It's a political metaphor, so "Unsheathing his immortal manhood, she whispered, 'This has nothing to do with politics.
Take me.
'" - Part of the metaphor.
- Hey, here's a picture of you - wearing a necklace.
- What? Let me see.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God.
That's the necklace.
I remember it now.
Oh, my God.
David had it made for me from a pebble that he found on the beach.
I had no idea this necklace was so special to him.
Oh, God, I'm a monster.
I got to do the right thing.
Have a fake necklace made and lie, lie, lie.
Yeah.
- Oh, we got next.
Let's go.
- Let's go.
Hey, hold up, one second.
Just uh, I need a real quick emotional check-in.
Oh, no.
Hey, fellas, give us a second.
Do you guys ever look over at the person sleeping next to you and just think, "Who is this stranger?" Sure, I love sleeping with strangers.
That's why I got divorced.
[chuckles.]
What's going on, man? Sometimes I just think me and Emet are so different.
You know what they say "Men are from Mars," - and let's play.
- Wait, hold on.
I made her a necklace out of a stone I found to commemorate our beach-aversary.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold.
Hold a second.
You celebrate your beach-aversary? Yeah.
Come on, that's the most [bleep.]
romantic thing I ever heard in my life.
Right? Okay.
That is the first big present I ever got her, and I don't even know if she likes it.
I mean, she never wears the thing.
Bro, hard truth time that thing is lost.
Gone forever.
It's with Biggie and 'Pac now, right? Mm-hmm.
Talking about losing, we're about to lose this court.
- Can we play? - Dave, this may not be my place just as your basketball friend, but your wife undervalues you as a husband and a man.
Right.
Thank you.
'Cause that is how it is feeling right now.
I mean, if she had given me that necklace, I would know exactly where it is at all times.
It's either around my neck, or it's in my locker 'cause I'm getting a combination Thai, hot-stone massage.
This thing isn't about the necklace.
It's about the fear that you love her more than she loves you.
Or it can be in a drawer somewhere.
- Can we play? - No, no.
He's right.
I've been taking it way too easy on her.
- I got to call her bluff.
- Do it.
- Good talk.
Thank you.
- Man up, baby.
Who cares? I found Mom's old journals.
We can use them to do a play at the anniversary party "Mom and Dad, A Love Story.
" That is much better than the card I've been working on.
Yeah, I always forget it's cut, then paste.
I'll get started on the script.
Guess what I did.
I had an exact replica made of the necklace David gave me and a backup in case future me forgets it existed.
So crisis averted, marriage saved, cookie sleeve opened.
Your marriage is built on lies.
But don't worry.
Oh, they're big, strong lies.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was basketball? - Kind of intense today.
- Mmm I'm just feeling so romantic with our anniversary coming up, and I think that maybe you should put on our special necklace and I should draw you Titanic-style.
- [refrigerator door closes.]
- Oh! It's a sinking ship.
- Did not see her there.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
You could've Anyway, hey, uh, baby, that sounds so hot, but [clears throat.]
I'm having the necklace cleaned.
- Hmm.
- So you're just going to have to draw me naked.
- Mmm - Okay? - No, I think I'll wait.
- What? Yeah, but that cleaning is really going to make that line of gold pop.
What? There wasn't a line of gold in that stupid picture.
Ah, must've been on the other side of the damn pebble.
Oh, yes, I love that line of gold.
Oh, it looks just like - Jesus.
- A heart.
It looks just like a heart.
- You remember the - You didn't let me finish.
- All right.
- I was saying, "Jesus, I love that heart.
" It is one in a million nay, a billion and I cannot wait to see you in it again.
[smooches.]
[swing music playing through headphones.]
Wow, Big Papa D and the Jinx.
I assume the Jinx is for the the bad luck of the listener.
Oh, come on! I was listening to "Blow, Man, Blow.
" It sucks, man, sucks.
You guys, this is hopeless.
How am I supposed to find a rock with a heart-shaped line on it? Damn it, I wish I was as sentimental as David is.
Then I'd know exactly where this necklace is.
Wow, Big Papa D and the Jinx! Okay, lay off, Griff.
No, no, look, check it out for real.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's right.
I gave a big box of stuff to Gladys for her church yard sale.
[gasps.]
Maybe she knows who bought the necklace.
Oh, yes.
Hey, Gladys, hey.
Um, do you remember that box of stuff I gave you a few months back? Did you happen to find a necklace in it? Do you mean this one? Yes! Okay, so, funny story You know, this necklace is my good-luck charm.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- Last year, I was diagnosed with the Big C.
- Oh, God.
- Then I got this, and it turned around.
Oh, but I'm sorry.
What was your funny story? I could use a laugh these days.
Ah, you know what? Never mind.
[chuckles.]
Not that funny after all.
Gladys has the Big C? Ugh, can I ever catch a break? Feels like hoop o'clock to me.
- Oh, hey, guys! - Emet, wow! You look beautiful, sweetheart.
Come here.
- Molto bene.
- Oh.
- Beautiful.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
Um, hey, sweetie, did the necklace come back? I really wanted to show the guys.
Oh, uh, sorry.
It's still being cleaned.
- Cleaned uh, how kind.
- Wow.
Make it sparkle, sweetheart.
I will.
[chuckles.]
Okay, see you guys later.
Lying while your childrens are in the house.
She's a sociopath.
Hey, we could work this out on the court.
You know what, man? I don't even want to play anymore.
- Oh - How about a milkshake? That would be really helpful.
Thanks.
Okay.
Milkshakes.
Anybody? Nope.
[dramatic electronic music.]
- Hey, Mom.
- Hold on.
I'm just about to learn Patricia Clarkson's number-one antiaging secret.
Oh.
It's "living in the moment.
" - What's up? - Okay, so you know how I tend to not acknowledge sentimental things because I'm your daughter and we share the same black heart? - Go on.
- Well, you're right.
I am screwed because I don't have that necklace after all.
- Oh, Emet.
- [sighs.]
I'm concerned, deeply concerned.
- Thank you.
- Not for you, for me.
- Okay.
- You can't ruin your marriage.
I'm too old to start again with another son-in-law.
I'm used to this bozo now.
The worst part is I know exactly where it is, but I can't get it back.
Nonsense, there's always a way.
No, there isn't I gave it to Gladys at work, and it's the only thing that got her through the Big C.
Not a person in the world who's cold enough to take it back from her after that.
- That's what you think.
- Go on.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, hi, Gladys.
Hi.
Fancy seeing you here.
This is my mom, Maya.
It's so nice to meet you.
I'm sorry my grip is so weak.
You see, I am not well.
At least with one kidney, there's less weight for me to carry around on these legs.
Oh, I understand.
I have health problems myself.
- The Big C.
- Oh.
Yeah, but, you know, since you beat it and all, I just had a crazy idea.
I wonder if your necklace might help my mom.
Oh, I understand.
- Thank you.
- But, no.
- What? - I can't take this off.
It's almost completely cleared up my colitis.
- What? - Huh? I thought you said you had the Big C.
Yes, the Big C colitis.
- No, the Big C is cancer.
- Cancer? - Yes.
- I don't have that.
- She does.
- Oh! - Sorry.
Good luck.
- Oh.
Did you guys hear that? - She misrepresented the Big C.
- We heard.
I don't know if you're willing to take a different approach on this, but I can, uh, undo the clasp on any woman.
That's right I practice on jewelry to get ready for bras, so - Who's this disgusting man? - Don't worry about it.
Yeah, Griff, do it.
Go, go, go.
- Now? - Now! Uh, well, I'm Chewey, and it's a real pleasure to meet you.
A Brit.
Your people and my people have a beef that goes way back.
Yes, um, sorry about all that.
Uh, scone? [imitates fanfare.]
Ta-ding! Oh, Griff, you creepy artful dodger! Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Ah Griff, did you unclasp my bra? Yeah, I was just all warmed up on the necklace.
- I mean - That's disgusting.
Mom, we got to go.
Necklace found.
Mission accomplished.
Husband happy.
Draw me like one of your French girls.
You are wearing the necklace.
Um, yeah.
Of course I am.
Did you think I lost it or something? Well, you know, this little voice inside my head, and a very heavily accented Brooklyn voice outside my head, kind of messed with me, but - Oh, I love you.
- I love you.
Okay, do you want to see the cutest thing in the world? - Yeah.
- The kids are writing a play for our anniversary.
They told us not to spy on them.
- Oh, my God.
That is too sweet.
- Mmmm.
- Okay, let's go spy on them.
- Yeah.
Emet, it's our beach-aversary.
I made you a necklace 'cause that was the day I knew that I was in love with you.
I have been, too, David.
- Weird, but cute.
- Yeah.
But I'm not sure you're right for me.
What is she talking about? Cut, pause.
Hold up.
Does that feel like what Mom should say? Yeah, I mean, it's exactly what she wrote in her journal.
- See? - No.
What? No.
- In your journal? No, no.
- Wait, wait.
No.
- Uh, can I have that? - Hi.
Shoop! "He was so excited about giving me this rock necklace.
"Was a little lame.
I hope he's not one of those super-emo guys who eventually gets womanly hips in his middle age.
" [chuckling awkwardly.]
And you haven't.
- Well, here we are at our anniversary party.
- Our kids are acting out our beautiful love story, and my husband is acting like he might never talk to me again, and I guess I deserve it.
Emet, it's August 14th, the day of our wedding.
I can't believe how much weddings cost.
- Will you marry me? - [crowd aws.]
Why is it so hot in August? I'm sweating through my underwear.
- [crowd giggling.]
- Yes, I will marry you.
Wow, I really should've taken my journals back.
Yeah, what, you're not enjoying reliving what must have been one of the most emo days of your life? Okay, David, you can't hold me to stuff I wrote in my 20s.
- That girl was dumb! - Yeah, so dumb.
She even changed her name to Stefahni for a year! Yeah, that's true.
Look, that Emet wasn't mature enough to appreciate your sentimentality.
- But this one does.
- Okay, quiet.
Emet, to celebrate our first anniversary, I will release 50 doves.
[crowd groans.]
[laughter.]
And you never appreciated the doves.
Ah! Give me drugs! Give me drugs! Get this thing out of me! That's actually pretty accurate.
[clears throat.]
[crowd aws.]
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Let's name her Lily Elizabeth.
- I can't stop smiling.
- Yeah, okay, that It's bull[bleep.]
.
You didn't smile.
You told me to stop crying and get you some ice.
- Hey, don't yell at my wife! - Hey, the play is inaccurate! Okay, you know what? It's wonderful.
- What? - God! Honey? Thanks, everyone.
Honey? Honey! Please just listen to me.
I'm so sorry.
- Stop it.
No, no, no.
- Honey.
Honey, listen to me! I am sorry, okay? I did not mean to hurt you.
Just tell me how to fix this.
- You want me to do that grapefruit thing? - No, no.
Do not tempt me with citrus erotica.
- Maybe you can't fix this.
- Okay.
Maybe we are just two different people.
- David - You know what? I will ride this party out and then I'm going to go to a hotel by myself.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
No, actually, you know what? - What? - With my boys! Oh, yeah.
Hey, Josh and Kevin! All right, we're going to a hotel anniversary after-party.
[upbeat music.]
- Yo.
- Whoa.
Hey, uh, sorry we're late it's just, like, you know, - we weren't going to come.
- Yeah, Norman made us.
We had to return Emet's box here.
Heads-up, it's either full of, like, loose peppercorns, or it's probably, like, a rat's toilet.
We had to throw a lot of stuff out.
But we saved a bunch of stuff that you wanted to keep, and it is all yours, Big Papa D.
Oh, yeah, big fan, by the way.
Thanks, guys.
I'm surprised she kept anything, you know.
I mean, what makes Emet's cut? Let's see.
Oh, wow.
I made the cut.
It's a sketch of me.
Um It's kind of a weird thing to say about a drawing of yourself, but that's amazing.
She - Excuse me.
- You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
[clears throat.]
[soft music.]
Hey, um can you tell me what this is? - Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I drew you for my art class final in college.
Okay, you never told me that.
I, um I did it that night that you were super sick and we were in my studio apartment with, like, zero heat.
I remember I held back your ponytail while you threw up, and then we'd snuggle in between, which was very gross you were very clammy.
- Yeah.
- Then when you finally passed out I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved you.
So I drew this.
I guess that's the night I knew.
So we kind of have a sketch-aversary.
Okay, sure.
Yes, we do.
- I love that.
- Oh, God.
Look, honey, I'm so sorry for what I said about the necklace in my journals, okay? And your hips.
I don't care about that I was just worried that you don't have the same passion for me that I have for you.
Oh, come on.
Of course I do.
Look, David, I'm never going to be the girl that releases 50 doves, okay? Mainly because they carry encephalitis.
But I feel 50 doves in my heart for you.
And, God, that has got to be corny enough - to count for something.
- I'll take it.
Good, 'cause it's all I've got.
Ah, this is worse than when I walked in on my grandma showering and the door locked behind me.
We're going to go.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Oh, by the way, the gift was from all of us.
- The - Art that I drew? - Yep, you're welcome.
- Okay.
Maybe I'm not as sentimental as David, but I do care.
It's just I realize that he focuses on the grand gestures and I focus on the little moments that shouldn't mean anything but do.
Oh, God, now I'm gonna puke.
Hey, you guys, come here for one sec.
Lily, I'm really sorry I yelled at you.
I mean, in my defense, you were pretending to be your mother.
So you guys are not getting a divorce? - What? No.
- No.
Oh, my gosh.
Of course we're not.
- Yes, our plan worked.
- [sighs.]
- Oh.
- Okay.
Oh, good news.
Daddy's coming back from his trip one day early.
Well, Mother, of course he is.
You didn't answer his phone calls.
He probably thinks you're pinned under a bookcase somewhere.
I was playing hard to get.
Tonight when he comes back, I'll be extremely easy to get.
Oh! Dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka.
Dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka.
Where the hell is that Uber? Just cancel it.
We'll walk.
Yeah, we need to leave this geriatric orgy.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye, strange people.
Dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka, dunka.