I Hate My Teenage Daughter s01e07 Episode Script

1 Oh, my god.
I am so glad we are done with school.
Sweetie, you know you have to go back next week, right? It's just spring break.
I told you not to set your locker on fire.
Speaking of spring break, Wait till I tell you guys about the trip I planned for us.
You guys are gonna love it.
Mom, it can't be lame like all the other trips we've taken.
Excuse me, trip snob, Did you not enjoy the working apple farm? They paid us, mom.
We were migrant workers for a week.
Anyway, this trip is gonna be even better.
This is something I used to do with my family.
We are gonna go on a road trip to The whispering pines lodge in the ozarks.
Yay.
Another trip not to a luxury hotel.
Oh, my god.
Is this happening? What are we gonna tell our friends? We'll just Braid each other's hair And say we went to jamaica.
See ya.
Hey, you guys are welcome to come with us if you want.
Might be the last chance we get to take the girls on a trip.
Yeah, pretty soon they won't wanna hang out with us.
Pretty soon? Those two minutes mackenzie was just here Count as my weekend with her.
Thanks for the invitation, but the ozarks? Sounds a little "deliverance"-y.
And besides, we already got this golf trip planned with jack.
Nikki, I can't believe you're on board with this.
That trip takes, like, 12 hours.
That's 12 hours where my daughter Can't get away from me.
Heaven.
We are gonna have the best time.
The drive is absolutely beautiful, And spring flowers are everywhere.
When my dad would see a creek alongside the road, We'd just stop and fish right there.
Fish? Did you skip stones across the water? Because I would like to do that.
With feather beds and mountain air.
Oh, it's the best sleep you'll ever have in your entire life.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep in six years.
Yeah, but we're gonna have fun on our trip with jack, too.
Dude, no, we're not.
Jack spends the entire day trying to correct my swing.
I'm a golf pro.
At least you don't have to share a bed with him.
His restless leg syndrome is not under control.
Hey, check out my new driver.
You should get one, gary.
It's got these lines that tell you Exactly where to put your hands.
Trip's off, jackass.
We're going to the ozarks.
Oh, come on, girls.
Why do you look so sad? Kelly just sent us a picture Of her swimming with a dolphin in hawaii.
Oh, well, that sounds fun, But is she gonna be jumping from a tire swing into a pond? No, because she's rich.
Hey.
Hey.
Okay, I did a little research, and I found the fastest route.
Jack! We don't want the fastest route.
It's the journey, not the destination.
I mean, we're gonna go to magic mike's mini horse farm, Uh, frank's chicken and waffles, Oh, and, of course, small falls.
The world's smallest waterfall? Small falls? It's not even on the map.
Yeah, they're pretty small.
(lowered voice) so What do you think's gonna happen With this jack and annie situation? (lowered voice) nothing.
Drop it, gary.
Two people who like each other but don't know it, Stuck on a crowded bus, Anxious, trembling bodies touching briefly On the way to the toilet.
Stop it, gary.
Nothing's gonna happen, because of matt.
We don't know that.
Maybe matt will be cool with it.
With his brother dating his ex-wife? How would you feel, gary, if your brother asked me out? Edgar? I'd be shocked.
He likes dudes.
Okay, everybody, my tour bus is all ready to go.
It's time to hit the road, as we say in the music business.
Or any business.
Hey, so did you make sure there was nothing on the tour bus That isn't, you know Family-appropriate? Trust me.
It's fine.
He's right.
I had my cop buddy Bring over his drug-sniffing dog.
(laughs) that thing went crazy, but we got it all.
Look at this.
This is our country-- america.
Drink it in, sophie.
oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for-- Oh, my god.
Okay, okay, okay.
Don't put those in.
Whole point of this trip was so we could spend time together.
And in that spirit, I'm gonna let you choose the music.
Really? You never let me pick.
It's america, sweetie.
Pick.
(dance music playing) Huh.
This seems like good station.
(jazz music playing) this is a good one, too.
(rihanna's "only girl (in the world)" playing) I love this song.
Me, too.
But I've heard it too many times.
(slap) leave it! So Whatcha doin'? Watching a movie.
Watching movies--radical.
Isn't this fun? Yeah.
Okay, can you hold this for a second? I'll be right back.
Should I pause it? (amplified voice) and on your left, We have a rare sighting On one of america's disappearing treasures, The wooden windmill.
And on your right Well, look at that.
More windmills than you can shake a stick at.
If I opened this window and jumped out, Would I die or just break my arm? (sighs) And if you look up ahead, you Damn, where are we, windmill-ville? I hope I'd die.
A broken arm would mean I'd have to get back inside.
Okay, you know what, sophie? If you don't like sitting up here, Then you should just go sit in the back.
Man, she is like a ninja.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So How's your time with mackenzie going so far? Good.
Good.
Really good.
How about you? How's your time with sophie? Good, good.
So good.
+ Hey, man, what's the rule about drinking beer back here? Dude, you're on a tour bus.
There are no rules.
Right where you're standing, I once watched our drummer give himself a neck tattoo, And, although I was not aware of it at the time, tetanus.
Mm.
So, matthew Hmm? Let me ask you a question.
Your band is kinda like family, right? Oh, I love those guys.
I'd do anything for them.
So let's just say one of those guys-- Not the one with tetanus-- has broke up with this girl, And someone else in the band wants to date her.
Done it.
Well, what if that girl is his ex-wife? Done it.
Current wife? Done it.
His mother.
Done it.
Good lord, that last one was a joke.
Rock 'n' roll, man.
Good talk.
Hey, uncle jack, can I use that outlet? I'm out of juice.
No, I'm using this one.
It's the only one that doesn't have An air freshener plugged into it, and we need those.
Okay.
I'll wait.
(types on keyboard) What's going on, sophie? Are you happy? Why would you ask me that? I don't know.
It's just sometimes you seem Sad.
Sad? I'm Not sad.
(chuckles) I'm perfectly fine.
Oh, okay.
(resumes typing) I just thought, you know, Because of your life and everything.
My life? I have a great life.
You mean because of your job.
Well, yeah, that and other things.
(resumes typing) what other things? Well, I bike 12 miles a day.
I enjoy a nice glass of wine, And It's in the early stages, so I haven't told anyone yet, But I'm thinking about getting a bird.
Oh.
See, I didn't realize That you were living life to the fullest.
(under breath) she's gonna tell someone about the bird.
Aw.
Look at those two old ladies just driving along together, Happy as can be.
That's gonna be you and me one day.
Yeah.
Life doesn't seem so daunting When you have a friend.
Oh, my god.
They're naked.
I wanna see.
I wanna see.
Oh, god.
That's gonna be you and me one day.
(exhales deeply) Hey.
Word on the bus-- jack's getting a bird.
Nikki, I need to talk to you for a second.
So I think matt might be okay with the jack and annie thing.
Oh, no.
You said something to him? Relax.
I was very clever.
I let him reflect on his own experience To find out what kind of personal boundaries He was okay crossing.
Turns out, there are no boundaries.
So you asked him if he'd be okay If his brother dated his ex-wife? No.
I asked if he'd have sex with his bandmate's mother.
How is that relevant? I don't know if it's relevant, But it sure is interesting.
Gary, I'm telling you, leave this alone.
Annie's not pursuing it.
Jack's not pursuing it.
Why are you? Why do I chase rainbows after a rain? It's who I am, baby.
Mom, you got potato chips and dip all over my computer.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
Let me get you a towel.
All right.
(thud) ow! Ow! (laughs) Are you laughing at me? Well, yeah, you stubbed your toe.
There is something seriously wrong with you.
I fall all over myself to make sure you're okay Every time you get hurt.
I have helped you through every school project, Every friend problem, Every hair crisis you've ever had, And believe me, not everyone can handle that! So the next thing that comes out of your mouth Better be an apology, And if not, you can just shut the hell up! + (gasping) oh, my god.
You should have seen mackenzie's face.
She feared me, annie.
(gasps) it felt so good.
Honey, I am so proud of you.
I have wanted to do that for so long.
I mean, all the parenting books say-- I am so proud of you.
Hey, did we pack some mustard? 'cause I was gonna make myself a sandwich.
Oh, no, no, no.
No eating.
We are only five minutes away From the best chicken and waffles You will ever eat in your entire life.
It's the reason why we drove a hundred miles out of the way.
What? A hundred miles isn't out of the way.
A hundred miles is a different destination.
Trust me, you will thank me when we get there-- Oh, shoot! You made me miss small falls.
This is it.
Frank's chicken and waffles.
It's great, right? It has a "d" rating.
Yeah, "d" for "delicious.
" Or "d" for "dysentery.
" Or "d" for "drop it.
We're eating here.
" Shoot.
I didn't get to say "d" for "diarrhea.
" I have a feeling the opportunity will arise.
Hey, um, mom, can I talk to you for a second? Yes, mackenzie? I've given it some thought, And I think you owe me an apology.
What?! (clenches teeth) I swear to god-- No, no, no.
No.
No.
This is a family trip.
Sophie, mackenzie, you go sit way over there Away from the family.
Okay.
Chin up, buddy.
I'm fine! (whispers indistinctly) (grunts) Nice place.
Went to wash up, but there's a scary raccoon in there.
Come on.
Let's order.
I'm getting the giant burger.
You can't order a burger.
This is frank's chicken and waffles.
And that is what we are all having.
You will thank me later.
Hey, you know how they say that everything tastes like chicken? Why doesn't this? I think it's healthier if you took the skin off your waffle.
All right, come on, guys.
Give annie a break.
This place is great.
It's got a lot of character.
So you're okay with this? Oh, I will not eat here.
Look, I know it doesn't look great, But I'm telling you it is (mouth full) really-- (gags) really good.
(gags) (mouth full) if you guys don't want yours, I'll eat it.
(silverware clatters) I don't understand what's happening.
That food was terrible.
(sighs) And watching 84r-old magic mike Lasso a mini horse ile riding a mini horse What kind of world do we live I (sighs) what's up with you? Sophie thinks I'm unhappy, And I don't know where it's coming from.
Oh, god.
Is her cell phone out of juice? Yeah.
This is what she does when she's bored.
It's like a cat toying with a mouse.
When the power went out last week, She told me that I was A skinny, bleached-blonde control freak.
(laughs) Where does she get this stuff? Hey, remember what we were talkingbout before? I think I need to clarify my hypothecal.
What if the person who's interested in your ex-wife Was a brother? Brother? Dude, that's pretty messed up.
But what if no one planned it? It just happened, like a rainbow after a spring shower.
I don't care.
That's the sickest thing I ever heard.
Why would you even ask? Wait.
Are you talking about jack and annie? I'm not talking about jack and annie.
No! No! No.
He's the only brother I got.
No, I meant a "brother," like me.
Ohh.
A brother.
The ex of a brother.
Oh, I get it now.
Nikki's into me.
(sighs) sure.
Why not? + Listen, honey, I really wanted this to be a great trip, But I am not gonna lie to you.
Morale is at an all-time low.
So could you just help me out And apologize to your mom, please? Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
(sighs) Honey, you treat your mom worse than sophie treats me, And that is saying a lot.
Well, she's really mean to me, too.
Oh, is she? Well, was it mean when she stood in line for five hours To get you justin timberlake tickets? She didn't tell me it was five hours.
Well, did she tell you that she wanted you To get the lead in the preschool dance recital so bad, That she volunteered to sew 40 bumblebee costumes? Oh, I always wondered how I got that.
At the tryouts, I was so nervous, I peed in my tutu.
Think about it, mackenzie.
Your mother is the kind of woman Who enjoys four-star hotels And luxury cars and spa weekends.
But she's-- she's on a stinky bus Just so she can spend a few precious hours with you.
When you say it like that, she She sounds like a person.
Hey, babe.
"babe"? I just had a talk with gary.
He filled me in on what's going on.
Oh, god, I told him to keep his mouth shut.
No.
I'm glad he told me.
Nikki You and I We'll never be.
What? And don't get upset.
You're a beautiful woman.
But you're annie's friend and gary's ex A bit too old for me.
I just want you to know that I'm flattered.
I'd give you a hug, but I'm-- I'm afraid it would just make it harder for you.
Yeah, maybe don't hug me.
Or touch me.
I understand.
Gary! No way out of here, huh? Hey, sophie.
You know, I wanted to thank you.
Your questions led me to some healthy introspection, And you're right.
I'm not really that happy.
So I'm gonna make some changes, And I hope you do, too.
What do I need to change? Well, there's the obvious thing, you know-- The thing everyone talks about.
What thing? What does everybody talk about? It doesn't matter.
Who cares what people think? (voice breaking) I care.
I care what people think.
(crying) Oh, my god! Why does everybody hate me? Oh, please, sophie.
Nobody hates you.
I was just messing with you like you were messing with me.
You are way out of your league, uncle jack.
Good luck with the bird.
What do you want? Mom, I wanna say I'm sorry.
You had every right to yell at me, And you may not realize this, but you're a person.
Um, you know, So Don't get all weird about it, But I love you, And I really appreciate all the things you do for me.
Can I get weird for just, like, 30 seconds? (voice breaking) I love you so much! You are my everything! (cries) How much time do I have left? (crying) (nikki) wow! This is whispering pines? Annie, this place is incredible.
Will it erase the memory of magic mike Feeding his toothless mini horse Applesauce from the palm of his one good hand? Probably not.
This--this is not what I remember.
I mean, where's the rocking chair Next to the potbelly stove? Or the little stuffed bear butler With mints on a tray? I'll go to the bar and see if any of that corny crap is there.
I'll go with you.
Yeah, me, too.
Fine.
Just don't sit near me.
I need a break from you people.
Okay, I'm gonna go check out the gift shop.
You wanna come, mom? Oh, god, yes.
Best trip ever.
(sighs) hey, um, excuse me.
I was here a really long time ago, And--and it was completely different.
Where is the, um, horseshoe pit Or the pond with the tire swing? It's now a heated indoor pool.
You can reach it by going through our spa.
I suggest reserving a cabana now.
They go fast.
Oh, my god.
Mom! A spa? A cabana? You made it sound like We were going to a lame backwoods country place Where you make your own taffy.
But this is the best vacation ever.
(whispers) taffy? No.