I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e07 Episode Script
A Piece of Cake
Cleaning the bathroom is the most - valuable thing you do.
- I quit.
I deserve this jacket.
It represents my total unemployability.
I'm just expecting a text from Brett.
Maybe be mature and text him? Uh no! At least you could contact Brett.
I can't even find Jane.
- Who's ready for another? - Think I'm good.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna have a second beer.
You might crash into somebody on the walk home.
Give her a break.
We gotta wake up early to prepare for our big bash.
This is the first party we've ever thrown together as a couple.
All of our grad school friends are gonna be there, so Doctor dorks and law dweebs this party's gonna be like a national geographic special on the mating rituals of the socially challenged.
You're funny.
Is it okay if I bring somebody? - Who? - Brett? - Ruh-roh.
- What? When was the last time you even talked to that hipster tool? Not since the ravioli party, but after my little social disease scare, I realized that I kind of like him.
Wow, a Tina "I like him" is the equivalent to most girls' "I'll slit my wrists in a warm bath if I can't have him.
" - [Chuckling.]
- Anyway.
I thought I would reach out, and, you know, tell him how I feel.
Oh, it sounds like our little girl's growing up.
Or maybe a sign of the end times, you know, when the clouds start bleeding, and animals start talking.
- All: [Chuckling.]
- Okay.
We're out.
So we'll see you guys - tomorrow night? - Yep.
Retainer and headgear optional.
- Ha, ha.
- Heh.
Actually, I should probably crash too.
- [Whining.]
- I'm taking some money soon, I may be kissing Brooklyn goodbye - and my parents hello.
- Well Maybe you'll meet a nice girl in St.
Louis.
You know, one who loves golf and making bread.
Sporty and yeasty? Doesn't sound too bad to me right now.
God, the only girl I've actually liked in forever was - Both: Jane.
- Yeah.
Steals your pants, leaves a fake number, Jane.
If we're gonna have this conversation again, I'm gonna need something harder than a beer.
Sorry.
Well, hopefully by the time you see me tomorrow, I will be an employed, tax-paying member of society.
You will be, Jay.
And I'll be with Brett.
Caveat unless he's gone full williamsburg and trained his moustache into a Salvador Dali.
Then I'm gonna have to reevaluate.
I wonder what those look like in the morning.
[Groaning.]
Accuracy below limit.
Ugh, damn it.
Come on.
Fail.
Ugh.
[Cell phone vibrating.]
JB? Hello? Hi, Jason, I have JB for you.
Wow, you guys finally got a phone that can transfer calls.
All right, Jason, you're on the line with JB brown.
Not JB brown.
The "B" is the "brown.
" Jesus, Roger.
Give it to me.
Hey, good news, Jay.
Mama dog has a bone for you.
A week-long role that you would be perfect for.
Role? Like, an acting job? Yes, perfect for a young, average weight, average height, vaguely unimpressive guy like you.
$500 for the week, and it starts this afternoon.
- Are you interested? - Yeah, totally.
- You had me at $500.
- Fantastic.
So now I have everything for my champagne punch.
The secret is the orange zest.
Great, and I have everything I need to make my vodka gummy worms.
The secret is they get you wasted.
Really? Vodka worms? I mean, this is our first party as a couple.
I was thinking cheese plates, my punch People falling asleep in flutes of your punch.
"Classy cocktail" is code for boring.
Our first party should be a banger.
Got a DJ app on my iPad, we'll get a keg A keg? Are the pledges gonna tap it? We're having a cocktail party.
Shouldn't our first party as a couple have stuff we both like? You're right.
We'll do this my way and your way.
It'll be the best of both of us, instead of just, you know, the best.
Why do I always get Turkey? I'm so bored of Turkey.
- What'd you get? - Turkey.
So it's happening.
Today.
I'm gonna go surprise Brett - at his weekly shuffleboard game.
- Wow.
That's so rom-com of you.
Is there a way you can make sure it's raining when you run to each other and kiss? I know, but it'll be exciting, you know? He'll be like, "whoa, Tina.
" And I'll be like, "hey, Brett, I missed you.
" Only not in those words, 'cause I have dignity.
- Do I look okay? - Yeah.
You look great.
Cute, sweet, but willing to do the weird stuff.
Thanks.
I'm a little nervous.
So what about you? What's up with your gig? I don't know much.
JB cast me in something.
It starts this afternoon, I'd get $500 for it.
I'm trying to figure out what I'd cast you as.
Young lesbian coming to terms with her sexuality, or corpse #2 in a zombie film.
Hey, I'm corpse #1 material, but I don't care what it is.
I got a job.
I'm so happy, I could kiss JB right on the tip of the penis.
Welcome to day one of five, my foodie thespians.
Now your job is to hit the streets, and out restaurant week flyers.
I want you bastards to be friendly.
No one wants a flyer from a taco acting like a turd.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, Joan.
You got an attitude problem.
Adjust it.
Remember, you are responsible for your own costumes.
Ruin them, and I dock your pay.
Okay, big smiles.
Aren't you glad you decided to blow off law school and become an actor? So, uh, have you done this before? Yep.
A lot of us work the flyering circuit pretty regularly.
I've been a hammer, a cell phone Once I was a tampon.
- Ew.
- It was okay.
It rained.
I absorbed it.
Hey, wanna bake your cake later? Makes the day fly by.
So I guess any guy in a food costume will do, - is that it? - Don't talk to me, Jimmy.
Let's keep this professional.
Come on, Brett.
Boom! Nice shot.
Oh, sweet.
My old strobe light.
Now it's a party.
Sweet, a seizure party.
- Check out what I got.
- You Bought a bag of severed hands? They're vintage and artistic.
The guy at the flea says it's really trendy to use them as bowls.
I guess we can use these trendy hands to hold my guacamole.
We're serving guacamole? I was thinking more - cheeses and crudite.
- Listen If we're putting out your hands, they're gonna be holding my guac.
That sounded dirtier than I meant it.
I'm gonna go shower.
Need a hand? Check out restaurant week.
Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week.
Get a job, dude.
This is my job.
- Check out restaurant week.
- Thank you.
Jane.
Jason? - Hey.
- Excuse me.
It's, uh It's good to see you.
You too.
So, um, what's going on here? I know what you're thinking: Why didn't I tell you when we first met that I was an undercover cop? [Laughing.]
Nice disguise.
Easy, easy.
- You might blow my cover.
- Oh.
Are you on a stake-out? Trying to take down a corrupt muffin? Yeah, it's the tip of a massive illegal pastry ring.
[Laughing.]
Actually There's something I'd kind of like to know, so That morning, at my house, you Uh, you Hey, I got a coffee.
We should go to the meeting.
Oh, Jason, this is my coworker grant.
Oh, uh, sorry, hi.
I didn't realize you were talking to a friend.
I've never met a professional cake before.
Is this, like, what you do? Oh, no, no.
I don't do this I mean, right now, yes, I do do this.
I've done other things.
I was an assistant before.
Not that that's necessarily higher on the evolutionary chart, uh I'm just sort of in a transition phase, you know? The recession and all has sort of messed with my five-year, uh, plan, and This is, um This is, you know It's like a temp thang.
Cool.
So, uh We should probably go to that meeting.
- We're gonna be late for the 5:30 - Yes, right, shoot, um Sorry, I gotta run.
Bye, Jason.
Oh, okay.
Uh, bye Jane.
What was up with that? I'm ready to bake my cake now.
Damn it, Jay, answer your phone.
What is wrong with you? Hey, your eyes look sad.
Not red and squinty from drugs sad, but emotion sad.
Like I'm gonna tell you my problems so you can call me a whore.
Come here.
I call this forgetting juice.
Thanks.
For what? Get it? Forgetting juice.
[Chuckling.]
Here, I've had enough.
Yeah, I want more than enough.
I knew I'd find you here.
I can't believe you brought another guy to our spot.
Nothing's going on, Jimmy.
Not that it's any of your business, because we're over.
Watch your ass, man.
God, I think I smoked too much.
My heart's beating like a hummingbird's.
Yeah, sometimes my brother puts extra stuff in there.
Salvia, ketamine, cat tranqs.
Our shift's almost over.
Come on.
A drink will mellow you out.
Alcohol isn't helping.
I feel weirder.
Just roll with it.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I don'think I can roll.
Geometrically impossible.
I had a Brett once.
Her name was Shyamala.
Our love was hot.
We used to do it everywhere.
Like sex rabbits.
And she told me I was the one.
But I must have been one of many because I caught her with my friend Johnny Gupta up in her big bosom.
All up in them.
- Oh, that sucks.
- I know.
[Phone ringing.]
Jay, finally.
Teen, I'm really wasted, and I saw Jane, who thinks I'm a piece of crap because I'm a piece of cake.
Slow down.
You saw Jane? What happened? Well, I didn't sweep her off her feet to go live under a rainbow.
- God, I am such an idiot.
- Just breathe.
Where are you? E coaster says windfall pub.
- So windfall pub.
- Okay, I'm on my way.
Just drink a lot of water and, uh, think happy thoughts.
Oh, and do not look at your hands.
It freaks you out when you're high.
Okay.
Bye.
Ugh.
I've got to go.
Hey, how did you get over Shyamala? I give Johnny Gupta food poisoning.
Really? No, no, I would never [Laughing.]
- Thanks, Bobby.
- You're welcome, Tina.
I mean, whore friend of Jason.
Okay, music is on, guac's in the hands, punch is out.
Can I just take this entire lighting scheme from boring To awesome? Okay, this is bad.
Like we have a secret room where we cage humans and harvest their skin bad.
Okay, don't panic.
We can still save this.
We'll just go back to our regular lighting and put the keg in the hallway.
I was talking about your creepy hands, and I don't get it.
You don't even listen to this enya-type stuff.
Sometimes I do.
- [Snickering.]
- Okay, fine, I don't.
But what about you? When we went to my cousin's birthday party at Rutgers last month, it was exactly like the party you're trying to throw, and you kept complaining that you were too old for this.
Fine, listen, you're right, but sometimes I just wanna show people that we still know how to party.
I want to show people that we've moved past just partying.
But I don't know why I thought that involved punch and easy listening.
Look, we're gonna throw tons of parties, all right? So tonight, we'll show everyone how mature we are.
And at our next party, we'll prove to everyone that we can still throw down.
Sounds great.
But I'm in charge of the music.
And no hands.
- The hands must go.
- Okay.
- Up top.
- Yeah.
You're dehydrated.
This'll make you feel better.
Yeah, well, maybe this'll make you feel better.
No, thank you.
Sorry, I misread that.
Thought you were feeling me.
You wanna just thumb-wrestle instead? Whoa, Jay, nice look.
Are you too depressed for me to mock the full Betty Crocker, or can I go for it? Tina.
Uh, pull it together, Jay.
Man, I thought I was messed up.
You saw Jane like this? I don't wanna talk about Jane.
This is corn, she's so nice.
I really like her, which is weird, 'cause usually I hate corn.
You know who I hate? Brett.
He was basically dry-humping some shuffleboard slut when I showed up.
It was brutal, Jay.
That's horrible.
Oh, my God, the world is a horrible place.
This place is a horrible place.
Let's get out of here and go to Stacey and Eric's party.
- Aww.
- Hey, C, you wanna come? Really? You still wanna go to that? The idea of being around happy couples right now makes me feel like I wanna shave my head and fashion my hair into a noose.
Hey! Sully just told me you kissed my girl.
You and me.
Outside.
Now.
- Jimmy, no.
- Shut up.
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Mind your business, bitch.
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Yeah, whose got your back? Cake guy does.
[General gasps.]
Jimmy.
- You're an animal.
- [Lascivious snicker.]
- Jay, are you okay? - Oh! Ooh.
- [Whimpering.]
- What hurts? My wallet.
The costume's ruined, JB's gonna make me pay for it.
I can't pay for it, not with money.
Okay, we should go to Stacey and Eric's.
If anybody can get a stain out of synthetic fabric, it's Eric.
How much does my party rock? So much.
I-I feel like I'm on Jay-Z's yacht.
- I'm gonna go mingle.
- Mingle.
Uh, hey, lench.
- Great party, doctor.
- Thank you, sir.
So, uh, any single girls here for me, or anyone here into the lifestyle? - Uh, what what lifestyle? - You know.
Sharing and caring.
No rules, no hang-ups.
- I don't think so, lench.
- Come on.
We can talk like men, man.
Don't make it weird just because I used to date Stace.
In fact, we can talk about that, if you want to.
I have stories.
Uh, yes, she told me the one about the baby carrots.
She told you that? Well, look, you think that embarrasses me? That doesn't embarrass me.
I'm proud of that.
There's, like, five people on earth that can peel a carrot that way.
[Doorbell ringing.]
I gotta, uh, get this.
- Hey, uh - Where are your soaps? Why are you a cake? What the hell is wrong with Jason? Stacey, you look really pretty.
I might kiss your pretty little wife.
You know, Brett kisses other girls, so maybe I should try it, right? Ass-head hipster idiot.
Hey, punch! Tina.
I thought I smelled sassy.
Lench, I will cut out your retina with the jagged lid from a can of soup, I swear to God.
Relax, I'm just being friendly.
Be friendly from at at least three feet away from me.
Tina, so you I'll catch up later.
Hands! Hands! Stace! Stace! [Laughter and murmurs.]
Uh, I-I-I I couldn't get the stains out of my costume 'cause of the tub of hands.
Um I'm gonna make a toast.
To Stacey and Eric.
You two have it all figured out, I mean You're in love, you know what you want.
How do you know? I have no idea.
Uh, okay, uh, Jay, I-I think that No, Eric, no.
See most of us, we don't just get to figure it all out.
Get a cool job, meet a girl who poops chocolate ice cream.
Some of us are the losers of our friends.
That's me, in case you were wondering.
We think we're corpse #1 material but Maybe we're only cut out to be cake.
Point is The point is Tina you're making me lose my train of thought.
Somebody should videotape this.
I mean, it's just soft stuff, but as kissing vids go, this is golden.
More tongue.
Tina.
- Tina? - Uh 'Ugh.
Advil.
My mouth tastes like pennies.
Hey, you guys.
- Good morning.
- [Evil laugh.]
Before you guys yell, and you have every right to be mad at us, but maybe you could just write, like, an email with a lot of exclamation marks instead, 'cause A loud noise could kill me right now.
Did we totally ruin your party? Oh, doesn't matter.
Next one's an Eric party.
It'll more than make up for it.
No, it's fine.
Half my law school friends took undie pics of you, and posted them on everywhere, so everyone still had a good time.
So, teen, lench your boyfriend now? If I wasn't so hung-over, I'd say something witty about your manjamas, but I am, so I'm just gonna go pee.
Ugh [Groans.]
No! Oh, good, you're here.
Listen, I know we kind of hooked up last night, but I can't really be in a relationship right now.
I respect you enough to tell you Get out of here, I have to pee.
Oh, I'm good.
It's cool, I won't look.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
I might look.
Just being honest.
I respect you enough to be honest with you about looking at you pee maybe If you It'd be whoa! Oh, who sent me the sad stripper? You know, you're supposed to jump out of the cake, - not carry it.
- I ruined the costume.
I'm sorry, I will pay for it.
I don't know how.
I may be Sending you installments from the lemonade stand I set up outside my parents' place, but somehow, I will pay.
I knew you'd come begging for your job back.
Huh? No, no, no, I'm not Because if what you're doing, if it counts as begging, then yes, you can have your job back.
Yes.
Yes, I am, I'm begging - for my job back.
- Then say please.
Say, "please, I beg you, JB, sweet, merciful God of thunder.
" Please? All right.
Come to mama.
- [Chuckling.]
- Oh.
So you You fired Roger.
No, he quit.
Something about a hostile work environment.
Oh.
Welcome home, puppy dog.
Welcome home.
- I quit.
I deserve this jacket.
It represents my total unemployability.
I'm just expecting a text from Brett.
Maybe be mature and text him? Uh no! At least you could contact Brett.
I can't even find Jane.
- Who's ready for another? - Think I'm good.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna have a second beer.
You might crash into somebody on the walk home.
Give her a break.
We gotta wake up early to prepare for our big bash.
This is the first party we've ever thrown together as a couple.
All of our grad school friends are gonna be there, so Doctor dorks and law dweebs this party's gonna be like a national geographic special on the mating rituals of the socially challenged.
You're funny.
Is it okay if I bring somebody? - Who? - Brett? - Ruh-roh.
- What? When was the last time you even talked to that hipster tool? Not since the ravioli party, but after my little social disease scare, I realized that I kind of like him.
Wow, a Tina "I like him" is the equivalent to most girls' "I'll slit my wrists in a warm bath if I can't have him.
" - [Chuckling.]
- Anyway.
I thought I would reach out, and, you know, tell him how I feel.
Oh, it sounds like our little girl's growing up.
Or maybe a sign of the end times, you know, when the clouds start bleeding, and animals start talking.
- All: [Chuckling.]
- Okay.
We're out.
So we'll see you guys - tomorrow night? - Yep.
Retainer and headgear optional.
- Ha, ha.
- Heh.
Actually, I should probably crash too.
- [Whining.]
- I'm taking some money soon, I may be kissing Brooklyn goodbye - and my parents hello.
- Well Maybe you'll meet a nice girl in St.
Louis.
You know, one who loves golf and making bread.
Sporty and yeasty? Doesn't sound too bad to me right now.
God, the only girl I've actually liked in forever was - Both: Jane.
- Yeah.
Steals your pants, leaves a fake number, Jane.
If we're gonna have this conversation again, I'm gonna need something harder than a beer.
Sorry.
Well, hopefully by the time you see me tomorrow, I will be an employed, tax-paying member of society.
You will be, Jay.
And I'll be with Brett.
Caveat unless he's gone full williamsburg and trained his moustache into a Salvador Dali.
Then I'm gonna have to reevaluate.
I wonder what those look like in the morning.
[Groaning.]
Accuracy below limit.
Ugh, damn it.
Come on.
Fail.
Ugh.
[Cell phone vibrating.]
JB? Hello? Hi, Jason, I have JB for you.
Wow, you guys finally got a phone that can transfer calls.
All right, Jason, you're on the line with JB brown.
Not JB brown.
The "B" is the "brown.
" Jesus, Roger.
Give it to me.
Hey, good news, Jay.
Mama dog has a bone for you.
A week-long role that you would be perfect for.
Role? Like, an acting job? Yes, perfect for a young, average weight, average height, vaguely unimpressive guy like you.
$500 for the week, and it starts this afternoon.
- Are you interested? - Yeah, totally.
- You had me at $500.
- Fantastic.
So now I have everything for my champagne punch.
The secret is the orange zest.
Great, and I have everything I need to make my vodka gummy worms.
The secret is they get you wasted.
Really? Vodka worms? I mean, this is our first party as a couple.
I was thinking cheese plates, my punch People falling asleep in flutes of your punch.
"Classy cocktail" is code for boring.
Our first party should be a banger.
Got a DJ app on my iPad, we'll get a keg A keg? Are the pledges gonna tap it? We're having a cocktail party.
Shouldn't our first party as a couple have stuff we both like? You're right.
We'll do this my way and your way.
It'll be the best of both of us, instead of just, you know, the best.
Why do I always get Turkey? I'm so bored of Turkey.
- What'd you get? - Turkey.
So it's happening.
Today.
I'm gonna go surprise Brett - at his weekly shuffleboard game.
- Wow.
That's so rom-com of you.
Is there a way you can make sure it's raining when you run to each other and kiss? I know, but it'll be exciting, you know? He'll be like, "whoa, Tina.
" And I'll be like, "hey, Brett, I missed you.
" Only not in those words, 'cause I have dignity.
- Do I look okay? - Yeah.
You look great.
Cute, sweet, but willing to do the weird stuff.
Thanks.
I'm a little nervous.
So what about you? What's up with your gig? I don't know much.
JB cast me in something.
It starts this afternoon, I'd get $500 for it.
I'm trying to figure out what I'd cast you as.
Young lesbian coming to terms with her sexuality, or corpse #2 in a zombie film.
Hey, I'm corpse #1 material, but I don't care what it is.
I got a job.
I'm so happy, I could kiss JB right on the tip of the penis.
Welcome to day one of five, my foodie thespians.
Now your job is to hit the streets, and out restaurant week flyers.
I want you bastards to be friendly.
No one wants a flyer from a taco acting like a turd.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, Joan.
You got an attitude problem.
Adjust it.
Remember, you are responsible for your own costumes.
Ruin them, and I dock your pay.
Okay, big smiles.
Aren't you glad you decided to blow off law school and become an actor? So, uh, have you done this before? Yep.
A lot of us work the flyering circuit pretty regularly.
I've been a hammer, a cell phone Once I was a tampon.
- Ew.
- It was okay.
It rained.
I absorbed it.
Hey, wanna bake your cake later? Makes the day fly by.
So I guess any guy in a food costume will do, - is that it? - Don't talk to me, Jimmy.
Let's keep this professional.
Come on, Brett.
Boom! Nice shot.
Oh, sweet.
My old strobe light.
Now it's a party.
Sweet, a seizure party.
- Check out what I got.
- You Bought a bag of severed hands? They're vintage and artistic.
The guy at the flea says it's really trendy to use them as bowls.
I guess we can use these trendy hands to hold my guacamole.
We're serving guacamole? I was thinking more - cheeses and crudite.
- Listen If we're putting out your hands, they're gonna be holding my guac.
That sounded dirtier than I meant it.
I'm gonna go shower.
Need a hand? Check out restaurant week.
Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week? Check out restaurant week.
Get a job, dude.
This is my job.
- Check out restaurant week.
- Thank you.
Jane.
Jason? - Hey.
- Excuse me.
It's, uh It's good to see you.
You too.
So, um, what's going on here? I know what you're thinking: Why didn't I tell you when we first met that I was an undercover cop? [Laughing.]
Nice disguise.
Easy, easy.
- You might blow my cover.
- Oh.
Are you on a stake-out? Trying to take down a corrupt muffin? Yeah, it's the tip of a massive illegal pastry ring.
[Laughing.]
Actually There's something I'd kind of like to know, so That morning, at my house, you Uh, you Hey, I got a coffee.
We should go to the meeting.
Oh, Jason, this is my coworker grant.
Oh, uh, sorry, hi.
I didn't realize you were talking to a friend.
I've never met a professional cake before.
Is this, like, what you do? Oh, no, no.
I don't do this I mean, right now, yes, I do do this.
I've done other things.
I was an assistant before.
Not that that's necessarily higher on the evolutionary chart, uh I'm just sort of in a transition phase, you know? The recession and all has sort of messed with my five-year, uh, plan, and This is, um This is, you know It's like a temp thang.
Cool.
So, uh We should probably go to that meeting.
- We're gonna be late for the 5:30 - Yes, right, shoot, um Sorry, I gotta run.
Bye, Jason.
Oh, okay.
Uh, bye Jane.
What was up with that? I'm ready to bake my cake now.
Damn it, Jay, answer your phone.
What is wrong with you? Hey, your eyes look sad.
Not red and squinty from drugs sad, but emotion sad.
Like I'm gonna tell you my problems so you can call me a whore.
Come here.
I call this forgetting juice.
Thanks.
For what? Get it? Forgetting juice.
[Chuckling.]
Here, I've had enough.
Yeah, I want more than enough.
I knew I'd find you here.
I can't believe you brought another guy to our spot.
Nothing's going on, Jimmy.
Not that it's any of your business, because we're over.
Watch your ass, man.
God, I think I smoked too much.
My heart's beating like a hummingbird's.
Yeah, sometimes my brother puts extra stuff in there.
Salvia, ketamine, cat tranqs.
Our shift's almost over.
Come on.
A drink will mellow you out.
Alcohol isn't helping.
I feel weirder.
Just roll with it.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I don'think I can roll.
Geometrically impossible.
I had a Brett once.
Her name was Shyamala.
Our love was hot.
We used to do it everywhere.
Like sex rabbits.
And she told me I was the one.
But I must have been one of many because I caught her with my friend Johnny Gupta up in her big bosom.
All up in them.
- Oh, that sucks.
- I know.
[Phone ringing.]
Jay, finally.
Teen, I'm really wasted, and I saw Jane, who thinks I'm a piece of crap because I'm a piece of cake.
Slow down.
You saw Jane? What happened? Well, I didn't sweep her off her feet to go live under a rainbow.
- God, I am such an idiot.
- Just breathe.
Where are you? E coaster says windfall pub.
- So windfall pub.
- Okay, I'm on my way.
Just drink a lot of water and, uh, think happy thoughts.
Oh, and do not look at your hands.
It freaks you out when you're high.
Okay.
Bye.
Ugh.
I've got to go.
Hey, how did you get over Shyamala? I give Johnny Gupta food poisoning.
Really? No, no, I would never [Laughing.]
- Thanks, Bobby.
- You're welcome, Tina.
I mean, whore friend of Jason.
Okay, music is on, guac's in the hands, punch is out.
Can I just take this entire lighting scheme from boring To awesome? Okay, this is bad.
Like we have a secret room where we cage humans and harvest their skin bad.
Okay, don't panic.
We can still save this.
We'll just go back to our regular lighting and put the keg in the hallway.
I was talking about your creepy hands, and I don't get it.
You don't even listen to this enya-type stuff.
Sometimes I do.
- [Snickering.]
- Okay, fine, I don't.
But what about you? When we went to my cousin's birthday party at Rutgers last month, it was exactly like the party you're trying to throw, and you kept complaining that you were too old for this.
Fine, listen, you're right, but sometimes I just wanna show people that we still know how to party.
I want to show people that we've moved past just partying.
But I don't know why I thought that involved punch and easy listening.
Look, we're gonna throw tons of parties, all right? So tonight, we'll show everyone how mature we are.
And at our next party, we'll prove to everyone that we can still throw down.
Sounds great.
But I'm in charge of the music.
And no hands.
- The hands must go.
- Okay.
- Up top.
- Yeah.
You're dehydrated.
This'll make you feel better.
Yeah, well, maybe this'll make you feel better.
No, thank you.
Sorry, I misread that.
Thought you were feeling me.
You wanna just thumb-wrestle instead? Whoa, Jay, nice look.
Are you too depressed for me to mock the full Betty Crocker, or can I go for it? Tina.
Uh, pull it together, Jay.
Man, I thought I was messed up.
You saw Jane like this? I don't wanna talk about Jane.
This is corn, she's so nice.
I really like her, which is weird, 'cause usually I hate corn.
You know who I hate? Brett.
He was basically dry-humping some shuffleboard slut when I showed up.
It was brutal, Jay.
That's horrible.
Oh, my God, the world is a horrible place.
This place is a horrible place.
Let's get out of here and go to Stacey and Eric's party.
- Aww.
- Hey, C, you wanna come? Really? You still wanna go to that? The idea of being around happy couples right now makes me feel like I wanna shave my head and fashion my hair into a noose.
Hey! Sully just told me you kissed my girl.
You and me.
Outside.
Now.
- Jimmy, no.
- Shut up.
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Mind your business, bitch.
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Yeah, whose got your back? Cake guy does.
[General gasps.]
Jimmy.
- You're an animal.
- [Lascivious snicker.]
- Jay, are you okay? - Oh! Ooh.
- [Whimpering.]
- What hurts? My wallet.
The costume's ruined, JB's gonna make me pay for it.
I can't pay for it, not with money.
Okay, we should go to Stacey and Eric's.
If anybody can get a stain out of synthetic fabric, it's Eric.
How much does my party rock? So much.
I-I feel like I'm on Jay-Z's yacht.
- I'm gonna go mingle.
- Mingle.
Uh, hey, lench.
- Great party, doctor.
- Thank you, sir.
So, uh, any single girls here for me, or anyone here into the lifestyle? - Uh, what what lifestyle? - You know.
Sharing and caring.
No rules, no hang-ups.
- I don't think so, lench.
- Come on.
We can talk like men, man.
Don't make it weird just because I used to date Stace.
In fact, we can talk about that, if you want to.
I have stories.
Uh, yes, she told me the one about the baby carrots.
She told you that? Well, look, you think that embarrasses me? That doesn't embarrass me.
I'm proud of that.
There's, like, five people on earth that can peel a carrot that way.
[Doorbell ringing.]
I gotta, uh, get this.
- Hey, uh - Where are your soaps? Why are you a cake? What the hell is wrong with Jason? Stacey, you look really pretty.
I might kiss your pretty little wife.
You know, Brett kisses other girls, so maybe I should try it, right? Ass-head hipster idiot.
Hey, punch! Tina.
I thought I smelled sassy.
Lench, I will cut out your retina with the jagged lid from a can of soup, I swear to God.
Relax, I'm just being friendly.
Be friendly from at at least three feet away from me.
Tina, so you I'll catch up later.
Hands! Hands! Stace! Stace! [Laughter and murmurs.]
Uh, I-I-I I couldn't get the stains out of my costume 'cause of the tub of hands.
Um I'm gonna make a toast.
To Stacey and Eric.
You two have it all figured out, I mean You're in love, you know what you want.
How do you know? I have no idea.
Uh, okay, uh, Jay, I-I think that No, Eric, no.
See most of us, we don't just get to figure it all out.
Get a cool job, meet a girl who poops chocolate ice cream.
Some of us are the losers of our friends.
That's me, in case you were wondering.
We think we're corpse #1 material but Maybe we're only cut out to be cake.
Point is The point is Tina you're making me lose my train of thought.
Somebody should videotape this.
I mean, it's just soft stuff, but as kissing vids go, this is golden.
More tongue.
Tina.
- Tina? - Uh 'Ugh.
Advil.
My mouth tastes like pennies.
Hey, you guys.
- Good morning.
- [Evil laugh.]
Before you guys yell, and you have every right to be mad at us, but maybe you could just write, like, an email with a lot of exclamation marks instead, 'cause A loud noise could kill me right now.
Did we totally ruin your party? Oh, doesn't matter.
Next one's an Eric party.
It'll more than make up for it.
No, it's fine.
Half my law school friends took undie pics of you, and posted them on everywhere, so everyone still had a good time.
So, teen, lench your boyfriend now? If I wasn't so hung-over, I'd say something witty about your manjamas, but I am, so I'm just gonna go pee.
Ugh [Groans.]
No! Oh, good, you're here.
Listen, I know we kind of hooked up last night, but I can't really be in a relationship right now.
I respect you enough to tell you Get out of here, I have to pee.
Oh, I'm good.
It's cool, I won't look.
Ugh.
Oh, God.
I might look.
Just being honest.
I respect you enough to be honest with you about looking at you pee maybe If you It'd be whoa! Oh, who sent me the sad stripper? You know, you're supposed to jump out of the cake, - not carry it.
- I ruined the costume.
I'm sorry, I will pay for it.
I don't know how.
I may be Sending you installments from the lemonade stand I set up outside my parents' place, but somehow, I will pay.
I knew you'd come begging for your job back.
Huh? No, no, no, I'm not Because if what you're doing, if it counts as begging, then yes, you can have your job back.
Yes.
Yes, I am, I'm begging - for my job back.
- Then say please.
Say, "please, I beg you, JB, sweet, merciful God of thunder.
" Please? All right.
Come to mama.
- [Chuckling.]
- Oh.
So you You fired Roger.
No, he quit.
Something about a hostile work environment.
Oh.
Welcome home, puppy dog.
Welcome home.