I Love Dick (2016) s01e07 Episode Script
The Barter Economy
1 Oh, my God.
- It's pretty late it must be - Cut the shit.
Okay.
[nervous chuckle.]
I'm here to give you what you want.
[clears throat.]
Is this a bad time? No, it's just, uh I didn't expect, you know, any Give me a second, so I can What are you doing? Oh, there's You know, nothing.
It's, um on the nose, is a chick in a towel.
Kind of, the mystery is kind of, um kind of, uh, gone I'm afraid.
Just give me one second, if you don't mind.
- I didn't expect - Take your time.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
[exhales.]
Okay.
Sorry.
This bra is such a nightmare.
Just give me one second.
It's cute, but it's [quietly.]
Okay.
Just one second.
[nervous chuckle.]
Hi.
Come here.
Okay.
What do you want me to do? Up to you.
Do you want me to take my clothes off? Didn't you just put them on? Um, yeah but Yeah, I did.
I put them on so that we could take them off - Hmm.
- if that's what we how this I wouldn't say no to that.
Okay, so I Do you want me to take them off? Should I take it off? I'm not uncomfortable with the idea.
No, that's clear.
But I just I thought maybe I think I was like You know Like a firm yes or no.
But whatev You know, we can I'm not uncomfortable with the idea Chris.
- [knocking on door.]
- Woman: Room service! [exhales.]
She'll be gone in a second.
[knocking on door.]
- [knocking on door.]
- What should I do? Whatever you want to do.
- That's all right - [knocking on door.]
It's all right.
- What? - Uh Oh.
Ice? Should I get a second bucket? Uh Uh, thank you.
Thank you.
- You want a drink? - No.
I've had my fill today.
My God.
Can we please talk about what's going on right now? I don't know what's happening.
Can we Can we just Can we just take a second and talk about what's happening right now? I thought I was here to obliterate the walls of your desire.
- [chuckles.]
- Well You wanna have some kind of a deep kind of late-night heartfelt talk like a couple of college kids? What do you want to know? You wanna know about me? You wanna know about, uh You want to know about my childhood? You want to know who my first crush was? Oh, my God I know what.
We could, um, go out to dinner.
We could go out to dinner and, uh, we could talk about art.
Oh I could tell you what I know.
- Oh, my God.
- [chuckles.]
We could talk about the Andalusian myths of paradise.
Or, um we could discuss, uh rare tools from the American West.
- [exhales.]
- You know what? Mmm.
What? I don't think you wanna know a fuckin' thing about me.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
- What is it? What? - Oh, it's nothing.
What's What's - It's nothing.
- What's up? This feels so weird.
Doesn't this feel weird? Is it your husband? I mean, it's, like, a part of it.
Yeah, it's okay.
I know.
I get it.
- You do? - Yeah.
I do.
- Okay.
- I get it.
Okay.
[nervous chuckle.]
- All right.
- And so we We spoke.
Who spoke? Who spoke? Sylvere and I, we we We spoke.
Wait.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Where? At your house.
About what? About About this.
[chuckles.]
What did he say? What exactly did he say? He said, "I want you to fuck my wife.
" Uh [chuckles.]
He sent you here to fuck me? He sent you here to fuck me.
So you guys You had a There's a deal? You guys had a deal about me? Is that what went down? You traded He traded me like a fucking baseball card? Like a fucking farm animal? - That's not how it went.
- Oh, it's not? So how did it go down? How did it go down? What did he say, "I'll give you two of my best milk cows for a chance to bone my wife"? We had a couple of drinks Stay away from my husband.
[both stammer, mutter.]
Okay.
Well, yeah.
Okay.
This is getting exciting.
Oh, don't pull that condescending shit with me.
That whole John Wayne "you're pretty when you're angry, missy" bullshit.
I thought that was your thing.
You have no idea what the fuck my thing is.
Yeah? Yeah? Well, the feeling is mutual.
Get out.
Get out! - Look, Chris - Get the fuck out now! Whatever you want, lady.
[exhales.]
[guitar.]
Long time no see.
You gotta look at this.
- Toby's gone viral.
- What do you mean viral? She did some performance protest at the Man Camp.
Man Camp? What was she doing at the Man Camp? Take a look for yourself.
It was some type of, like, conceptual art piece.
Offering her body Like, instead of pipelines going into the land, it's going into her body.
The pipeline is going inside her - Metaphorically.
- I know.
I get that.
- She's hard core.
- It's a stunt.
Yeah, well, not really.
[door opens.]
- Hey.
- Toby Willis has gone viral.
Come here.
You gotta see this.
Ooh, working in the body art tradition.
And what are all these little dancing heart things? Those are eyeballs, pupils, corneas.
The whole world is frickin' seeing this.
Half a billion people were watching this? - Can you blame them? - Holy shit.
Yo, is it cool if I get my thing back? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
See ya.
- [door opens, closes.]
- That piece didn't come through.
Oh.
Wow.
Who? Laura Aguilar.
The donor thought it wouldn't resonate well with our collection.
Wow.
Cool.
Hmm.
Cool? You don't even care, do you? It's not the end of the world.
Unbelievable.
Your indifference is staggering.
I don't even know why I bother.
I've had offers from DIA, MOCA, NCA.
What the fuck am I even doing here? Paula.
Paula.
Paula.
Don't go.
You don't want me to go? No.
I don't want you to go.
I have waited so long to hear those words.
Because? I'm gonna go.
You can't fucking go! I know.
But I am.
I'm gonna go.
It's yours, okay? It's all yours.
Take it.
I mean, nobody comes here anyway.
How many people come here a year? Maybe 500? And Toby fucking Willis has half a million people watching her sit naked on Mount fucking Livermore.
Nobody cares about this place.
Nobody gives a shit, so, please, take it.
Take the building.
Take the name.
Use the name.
Don't use the name.
Because Because I'm out.
I want out.
I need out.
[guitar.]
Can't be I had to spend 500 bucks to get us out of jail.
I can't wait to take a shower.
I feel covered in desert crunch.
Yeah.
I have dirt so deep in my junk right now, it's like I was wearing pants.
Want some Bon Ami? Just, like, take showers, get some Bon Ami.
Uh Hey, uh, Devon.
What? I mean, like, low key.
Just [chuckles.]
I just, um I think I need a just, like a little downtime, like a, just, a minute.
Your possessiveness is a lot.
And I feel like it would just be good for both of us to have a second to check in with ourselves.
I don't Does Is that fair? Sure.
[Ethnic.]
[continues.]
[ends.]
[train whistle in distance.]
[door slams.]
How long did it take you guys to barter my pussy? - It wasn't like that.
- No? Was it just like "Fuck my wife, please! "Please! Take her off my hands! Fuck my wife!" - We talked about other things.
- Oh, good! Oh, good.
Oh, I'm so glad.
It sounds like a really fun afternoon.
Did you put out snacks? Did you Were you a good host? 'Cause you guys must have gotten famished after all that fuckin' horse trading.
Actually, we pretty much drank our dinner.
Were there stipulations on the fucking? Were there any, like "Don't do it.
"She doesn't like anal.
"Just dog Doggy style is preferable.
No eye contact.
" Did you give him any pointers? Were you like "Uh! She gotta pee beforehand.
"Make sure she gets a chance to pee.
Be easy on her nips, man, 'cause she'll freak out.
" How the fuck did I get to be the bad guy? Huh? You wanted my permission.
I gave it to you.
I did not ask for your permission! What the fuck are you talking about? You gave Dick fuckin' permission to fuck me! That's what happened! So did you do it? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you do it? No! No, I did not fuck Dick! No! Well, are you going to? Are you? Oh, my God.
[shouts.]
Where are you going? - Where are you going? - I gotta get out of here.
I'm going back to New York.
I gotta keep this sublet.
I don't know.
I've gotta get out of here! - [muttering.]
- That's not gonna - You have too much in there.
- Fuck! Please get the fuck away from me! Just please get the I could do it myself! Oh, my God! You fuck! Oh, fuck me! Okay.
- I can't - [zipping.]
I thought this is what you wanted.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[water bubbling.]
[Spanish guitar.]
[woman sings in Spanish.]
[continues.]
[continues.]
[ends.]
[laughter.]
- It's pretty late it must be - Cut the shit.
Okay.
[nervous chuckle.]
I'm here to give you what you want.
[clears throat.]
Is this a bad time? No, it's just, uh I didn't expect, you know, any Give me a second, so I can What are you doing? Oh, there's You know, nothing.
It's, um on the nose, is a chick in a towel.
Kind of, the mystery is kind of, um kind of, uh, gone I'm afraid.
Just give me one second, if you don't mind.
- I didn't expect - Take your time.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
[exhales.]
Okay.
Sorry.
This bra is such a nightmare.
Just give me one second.
It's cute, but it's [quietly.]
Okay.
Just one second.
[nervous chuckle.]
Hi.
Come here.
Okay.
What do you want me to do? Up to you.
Do you want me to take my clothes off? Didn't you just put them on? Um, yeah but Yeah, I did.
I put them on so that we could take them off - Hmm.
- if that's what we how this I wouldn't say no to that.
Okay, so I Do you want me to take them off? Should I take it off? I'm not uncomfortable with the idea.
No, that's clear.
But I just I thought maybe I think I was like You know Like a firm yes or no.
But whatev You know, we can I'm not uncomfortable with the idea Chris.
- [knocking on door.]
- Woman: Room service! [exhales.]
She'll be gone in a second.
[knocking on door.]
- [knocking on door.]
- What should I do? Whatever you want to do.
- That's all right - [knocking on door.]
It's all right.
- What? - Uh Oh.
Ice? Should I get a second bucket? Uh Uh, thank you.
Thank you.
- You want a drink? - No.
I've had my fill today.
My God.
Can we please talk about what's going on right now? I don't know what's happening.
Can we Can we just Can we just take a second and talk about what's happening right now? I thought I was here to obliterate the walls of your desire.
- [chuckles.]
- Well You wanna have some kind of a deep kind of late-night heartfelt talk like a couple of college kids? What do you want to know? You wanna know about me? You wanna know about, uh You want to know about my childhood? You want to know who my first crush was? Oh, my God I know what.
We could, um, go out to dinner.
We could go out to dinner and, uh, we could talk about art.
Oh I could tell you what I know.
- Oh, my God.
- [chuckles.]
We could talk about the Andalusian myths of paradise.
Or, um we could discuss, uh rare tools from the American West.
- [exhales.]
- You know what? Mmm.
What? I don't think you wanna know a fuckin' thing about me.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
- What is it? What? - Oh, it's nothing.
What's What's - It's nothing.
- What's up? This feels so weird.
Doesn't this feel weird? Is it your husband? I mean, it's, like, a part of it.
Yeah, it's okay.
I know.
I get it.
- You do? - Yeah.
I do.
- Okay.
- I get it.
Okay.
[nervous chuckle.]
- All right.
- And so we We spoke.
Who spoke? Who spoke? Sylvere and I, we we We spoke.
Wait.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Where? At your house.
About what? About About this.
[chuckles.]
What did he say? What exactly did he say? He said, "I want you to fuck my wife.
" Uh [chuckles.]
He sent you here to fuck me? He sent you here to fuck me.
So you guys You had a There's a deal? You guys had a deal about me? Is that what went down? You traded He traded me like a fucking baseball card? Like a fucking farm animal? - That's not how it went.
- Oh, it's not? So how did it go down? How did it go down? What did he say, "I'll give you two of my best milk cows for a chance to bone my wife"? We had a couple of drinks Stay away from my husband.
[both stammer, mutter.]
Okay.
Well, yeah.
Okay.
This is getting exciting.
Oh, don't pull that condescending shit with me.
That whole John Wayne "you're pretty when you're angry, missy" bullshit.
I thought that was your thing.
You have no idea what the fuck my thing is.
Yeah? Yeah? Well, the feeling is mutual.
Get out.
Get out! - Look, Chris - Get the fuck out now! Whatever you want, lady.
[exhales.]
[guitar.]
Long time no see.
You gotta look at this.
- Toby's gone viral.
- What do you mean viral? She did some performance protest at the Man Camp.
Man Camp? What was she doing at the Man Camp? Take a look for yourself.
It was some type of, like, conceptual art piece.
Offering her body Like, instead of pipelines going into the land, it's going into her body.
The pipeline is going inside her - Metaphorically.
- I know.
I get that.
- She's hard core.
- It's a stunt.
Yeah, well, not really.
[door opens.]
- Hey.
- Toby Willis has gone viral.
Come here.
You gotta see this.
Ooh, working in the body art tradition.
And what are all these little dancing heart things? Those are eyeballs, pupils, corneas.
The whole world is frickin' seeing this.
Half a billion people were watching this? - Can you blame them? - Holy shit.
Yo, is it cool if I get my thing back? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
See ya.
- [door opens, closes.]
- That piece didn't come through.
Oh.
Wow.
Who? Laura Aguilar.
The donor thought it wouldn't resonate well with our collection.
Wow.
Cool.
Hmm.
Cool? You don't even care, do you? It's not the end of the world.
Unbelievable.
Your indifference is staggering.
I don't even know why I bother.
I've had offers from DIA, MOCA, NCA.
What the fuck am I even doing here? Paula.
Paula.
Paula.
Don't go.
You don't want me to go? No.
I don't want you to go.
I have waited so long to hear those words.
Because? I'm gonna go.
You can't fucking go! I know.
But I am.
I'm gonna go.
It's yours, okay? It's all yours.
Take it.
I mean, nobody comes here anyway.
How many people come here a year? Maybe 500? And Toby fucking Willis has half a million people watching her sit naked on Mount fucking Livermore.
Nobody cares about this place.
Nobody gives a shit, so, please, take it.
Take the building.
Take the name.
Use the name.
Don't use the name.
Because Because I'm out.
I want out.
I need out.
[guitar.]
Can't be I had to spend 500 bucks to get us out of jail.
I can't wait to take a shower.
I feel covered in desert crunch.
Yeah.
I have dirt so deep in my junk right now, it's like I was wearing pants.
Want some Bon Ami? Just, like, take showers, get some Bon Ami.
Uh Hey, uh, Devon.
What? I mean, like, low key.
Just [chuckles.]
I just, um I think I need a just, like a little downtime, like a, just, a minute.
Your possessiveness is a lot.
And I feel like it would just be good for both of us to have a second to check in with ourselves.
I don't Does Is that fair? Sure.
[Ethnic.]
[continues.]
[ends.]
[train whistle in distance.]
[door slams.]
How long did it take you guys to barter my pussy? - It wasn't like that.
- No? Was it just like "Fuck my wife, please! "Please! Take her off my hands! Fuck my wife!" - We talked about other things.
- Oh, good! Oh, good.
Oh, I'm so glad.
It sounds like a really fun afternoon.
Did you put out snacks? Did you Were you a good host? 'Cause you guys must have gotten famished after all that fuckin' horse trading.
Actually, we pretty much drank our dinner.
Were there stipulations on the fucking? Were there any, like "Don't do it.
"She doesn't like anal.
"Just dog Doggy style is preferable.
No eye contact.
" Did you give him any pointers? Were you like "Uh! She gotta pee beforehand.
"Make sure she gets a chance to pee.
Be easy on her nips, man, 'cause she'll freak out.
" How the fuck did I get to be the bad guy? Huh? You wanted my permission.
I gave it to you.
I did not ask for your permission! What the fuck are you talking about? You gave Dick fuckin' permission to fuck me! That's what happened! So did you do it? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you do it? No! No, I did not fuck Dick! No! Well, are you going to? Are you? Oh, my God.
[shouts.]
Where are you going? - Where are you going? - I gotta get out of here.
I'm going back to New York.
I gotta keep this sublet.
I don't know.
I've gotta get out of here! - [muttering.]
- That's not gonna - You have too much in there.
- Fuck! Please get the fuck away from me! Just please get the I could do it myself! Oh, my God! You fuck! Oh, fuck me! Okay.
- I can't - [zipping.]
I thought this is what you wanted.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[water bubbling.]
[Spanish guitar.]
[woman sings in Spanish.]
[continues.]
[continues.]
[ends.]
[laughter.]