iCarly (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Seriously, Harper? Our apartment looks like Forever 21 on Black Friday.
I'm working on my lookbook.
I snagged an interview for a styling job with the fifth runner-up from RuPaul's Drag Race.
Oh, then you actually need more boas.
I'm really excited for you, but it feels like a new lookbook every day.
How much longer is this gonna take? How much longer is it gonna take for me to make my dreams come true so I can leave my dead-end job? I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
Well, can we at least move these boots into my closet, 'cause I am obsessed with them.
Look, I'm sorry, but it's hard when I don't have my own dedicated workspace to destroy.
Ladies, may I present the latest Sunshine Girl, Millicent Mitchell.
- [BOTH.]
: Aw.
- [CARLY.]
: Oh, my God.
- She's so cute.
- So adorable.
I don't need compliments.
I need a way out of this.
Look, it's gonna be great.
You'll get to do activities with kids your own age, earn badges, and, the best part? You and I will get to spend a lot more time together.
If you want to hang out more, just ask, so I can try to pencil you in.
[EXHALES.]
Is it just me, or is life grand? Somebody's wearing the clothes he had on yesterday.
Are you doing the walk of sh Shame we can't stay.
[MILLICENT.]
: Stop impeding my education.
So what happened to you? You meet a lady? Way more probable, he thought that shirt and tie combo was cute enough to repeat.
[WHISPERS.]
: It isn't.
I did meet a lady.
I was at the art gallery gushing over my own sculpture and there she was: Argenthina.
She's fan-thastic.
And she gave me this tie.
I try to avoid complimenting men, but leopard is my favorite neutral.
Homegirl got taste.
[CARLY.]
: Hey, Spencer, how do you feel about Harper sharing your studio with me so she can put all of her looks in a book instead of our living room? - Mm - It's Black History Month, so you have to say yes.
Mm-hmm.
I know you see Somehow the world will change for me [TOGETHER.]
And be so wonderful So wake up the members of my nation [TOGETHER.]
It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see the brighter side Of every situation Some things are meant to be So give me your best and leave the rest to me This is great.
Two modern women, working side by side, creating art that will change the world.
I'm editing a video where I see how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth.
Spoiler, it's more than you think.
I'm gonna put my headphones on.
Let me know if you need anything.
One mallow! Two mallow! Three mallow! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, this is even funnier than when I filmed it! Is it? Uh Harper? I love a spa trip as much as the next girl, but the steam's kind of killing me.
Oh, am I harshing your "mallow"?! I see what you did there, but joke's on you, 'cause I'm totally gonna use that.
- And now a toast.
- Ah.
To chance encounters and exploiting opportunities.
My darling Argenthina.
To getting lost in your eyes, and then somehow finding my way out through your ears.
- Or possibly your nostrils.
- Please stop.
Ooh, that reminds me.
I brought you a little gift.
Is that a pterodactyl egg? You're the one who outbid me on eBay? [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's a digital assistant.
Introduce yourself.
Good evening, I'm Mr.
Spencer Shay.
[DEVICE.]
[ARGENTHINA'S VOICE.]
: You need a mint.
Now ordering breath mints.
- Wait, that's your voice! - I do the voice.
You know, this apartment just looks so familiar.
Wait.
Never mind, I know.
I've seen it on iCarly.
You watch iCarly? - I watch everything.
- Oh.
You know, Maybe if Carly's lucky, we'll meet someday.
[HARPER.]
: Take your marshmallows and stuff them.
- That's what I was doing.
- Ooh, sick comeback.
I'll come up with a better one in the shower.
- You better not.
I need to pee when you're in there! - Ladies, ladies.
What is going on? [BOTH.]
: She started it.
What? No, you started it.
Okay.
Finger-pointing and speaking in unison won't solve anything.
Who's she? Yeah.
Who is she? She's the woman I'm trying to be on a date with.
- This is - Argenthina Woolridge.
Harvard and MIT graduate, Forbes list of women with unlisted ages and founder of LeapIN.
Ooh, the trampoline place? I thought you needed a kid to go there.
No, it's a ladies-only coworking space meant to propel women into corporate powerhouses.
And we have a juice bar.
- Wow, we could really use that.
- Mm-hmm.
I love juice and if we work together for one more minute, - I'm gonna kill her.
- Girl, I have a black belt.
- Yeah, from Prada.
- Ooh, drag me.
Well, we're having a prospective members salon this weekend.
You should come by and check it out.
Okay, they'll be there.
Now can you please be anywhere else? - So great meeting you.
- Yeah.
See you at the salon.
Okay.
Now, where were we? [DEVICE.]
: Recommence flirting.
- Isn't she great? - Yeah.
Who wants lemonade? You girls must be tired from all that vision-boarding.
Mr.
Benson, we don't use the word "girls".
But you're called the Sunshine Girls.
Not if we win our class-action lawsuit.
Okay, let's see how you guys have mapped out your dreams.
Olive, we'll start with you.
Miss Kiki, I made a rainbow.
It represents community and unity.
Ugh, how derivative.
Great job, Olive.
I think that deserves some sunbeam fingers.
[ALL SHRIEKING.]
So, Millicent, what's on your board? A penthouse condo, a pyramid made of gold bricks and a life insurance policy.
You know, in case something "happens" to my future spouse.
I also drew a heart.
- [ALL SHRIEKING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, I think the pyramid's awesome.
[KIKI.]
: You know what I heart? Our annual fudge ball sale.
- What's that? - It's our biggest fundraiser.
Ooh, I do like funds.
Ooh, well, the money goes to corporate.
But you get something even better.
A badge.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Kiki, that's not gonna cut it.
If I do the work, I should get paid.
That's my girl.
I mean, young person.
Well, maybe one day you can start your own club and make whatever rules you want.
That's the smartest thing you've ever said, Kiki.
I'll sell my own fudge balls.
Then you will be hearing from our lawyers.
Then we will be selling something else.
A leap is a group of leopards, hence the decor.
As you can see, it's an ideal workspace where you can dip in for an hour between meetings.
Not to mention the member closet you can borrow clothes from.
It's purr-fect for a lookbook.
[LAUGHS.]
What is in this green juice? You thought of everything.
Podcast studio, conference rooms, meditation labyrinth.
Embroidery class, puppy rental for dating profile pics, bra concierge.
What are those? Oh, that is a Femi-nest.
Trademarked, patent pending.
So often women are told we can't express our aspirations.
In the nest, you scream them out.
It's incredibly transgressive.
But they're also soundproof, so it's not rude.
Go ahead, give it a spin.
Oh, I'd love to, but one time I was getting an MRI, and the technician forgot about me, so I'm good.
Harper hates small spaces, too, so she's not gonna want to Ooh! This is just like Brookstone.
See you! I'll go grab some membership forms.
Carly? Toji? I haven't seen you in months at yoga.
Yeah, I've been taking class here.
Are you thinking about joining? Uh, maybe.
It seems kind of fun.
Oh, it is.
I live for LeapIN.
- Don't do it.
- Don't do what? Don't leap in.
[HARPER.]
: Wow.
I feel a sense of calm and moral clarity I've never experienced before.
I'm leaping all the way in.
Toji, tell Harper what you just said.
- Before you sign up, you - Here we go.
Dip in for an hour between meetings.
Toji, aren't you late for yoga? - Thank you for the feedback.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Harper, what do you think? I'm thinking, do you take Amex? Exclusively.
Here is a membership form and you can keep the pen.
- Thank you.
- Carly, how about you? No, that's cool.
I'm good for pens.
If you don't join, you'll never see Harper again.
'Cause she'll be so busy here at LeapIN.
Yeah, but I don't need a workspace.
I can just use the studio where I shoot.
iCarly? Three million subscribers, 60% women in the coveted 18-to-49 demographic? How did you know that? I know my metrics.
I'd love to be on your show.
I could do Thursday at 2:00, or you could come here, which would be better for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
I'll definitely be voluntarily coming back here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great job, Olive.
A hundred more like that and you'll earn yourself a three-minute bathroom break.
Don't need one.
I'm wearing a diaper.
Love the work ethic.
Wow.
Looks great in here.
Everybody's on task, I got a clipboard.
And I filed for an LLC.
What? Millicent's Minions? Love.
Take that, Miss Kiki.
Oh, we are gonna out-cute, outsmart and outsell those sunny little goodie-goodies.
No offense, Olive.
None taken.
Already burned my uniform.
Hey, that reminds me.
I went ahead and optimized our website for mobile, but what's our growth strategy? You know? Let's talk marketing.
Do we have a logo? Looks like Millicent's Minions has found its secret ingredient.
Revenge? Yes.
And you.
Congrats, you're my new CDO: chief dad officer.
Did you just called me "Dad"? Calm down, there were two other words in there.
I told the Femi-nest I wanted to build my styling website and then I got an ad for a class on how to build a website.
Now, tell me I didn't womanifest that.
You didn't womanifest that.
There's just something off about LeapIN.
Oh, 'cause Toji cried? She cried when a Popsicle was over.
Yeah.
Maybe you're right and I'm just overreacting.
Of course I'm right.
And look on the bright side.
Now I can work on my lookbook at LeapIN, and our apartment will finally be clean.
Or not.
Sorry, we needed more counter space.
And these are gluten-free with leopard spots? What do you think, I started this business yesterday? You did start yesterday.
Cupcakes for my lady.
She's celiac.
This is all for the Sunshine Girls? Nope.
Millicent's Minions.
We started our own business to outsell the Sunshine Girls.
We're bonding.
She even called me the D-word.
Dumbass? No.
Dad.
We're really connecting.
Great news.
I just came up with a new cupcake flavor.
Peanut butter crunch.
Ooh, do you have any idea how many people have a peanut allergy? You might as well call them murder-cakes.
- Well, I also came up with a new logo.
- Oh.
Uh, it looks like it was designed by an 11-year-old.
It was.
Aw.
Oh, I am putting this on the fridge.
But not the box.
Carly, I'm so glad you decided to give LeapIN another chance.
Me, too.
Honestly, I feel kind of silly for being so paranoid.
- This flower-arranging class is fun.
- Mm.
And finally, a pop of red at the center for the heart chakra and blood oaths.
Fun, and now alarming.
I'll come around and check on everyone's progress.
Oh, my God.
Carly Shay - from iCarly? - Are you thinking of joining LeapIN? It would be so perfect for you.
- Because you could just dip in.
- For an hour.
[BOTH.]
: Between meetings.
I keep hearing that.
Harper loves it here.
Last night's 3:00 a.
m.
hot yoga session changed her life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, what? Uh, you were here until 3:00 a.
m.
working on your lookbook? Uh, yeah.
Like Argenthina always says, work hard [ALL.]
: Work harder.
Oh, beautiful work, Harper.
Oh, here, let me show you how to tie off your bouquet.
You see, flowers are like women.
Individually they're pretty, but useless.
As a group, they're vibrant.
Thriving.
Beautiful.
Are you okay? Hands don't actually need circulation.
Yum.
Juice.
So, Carly, have you reconsidered joining? Uh, you've given me a lot to process.
In fact, I need to talk to Harper.
Oh, well, the nests offer excellent privacy.
There's also that super secret room.
My office? No one is allowed in there.
We'll be over here.
Secret rooms? Middle-of-the-night athletics? Those freaky pod things? This place is a cult.
Yeah, but not like a "cult" cult.
It's a fun one, like a fancy stationary bike or an overpriced improv class.
- Plus, you can - If you say "dip in for an hour between meetings", I will slap you.
Argenthina was right.
Your negativity is holding me back, and I will not stand for it any longer.
Now if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go stock up on DivaCups.
They're unlimited here.
The whole point of a DivaCup is you only need one.
- [WHIRRING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
We need to talk.
Now.
- Cool box.
- Hey, thanks.
I'm just packing up a sculpture for LeapIN.
Damn it, Argentina is manipulating everyone.
Manipulating? More like helping.
The other day my accountant says I needs tax write-offs.
The next thing I knew, Argenthina says I can donate one of my sculptures to LeapIN, as a tax write-off.
And you don't think that's a little convenient? It's like she's always one step ahead.
Calm down, Nancy Drew.
I'll have you know Nancy Drew had successful books, a number of television spin-offs and could easily do the work of two Hardy Boys.
So, thank you for the compliment.
There's something up with Argentina and those nests, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.
[BEEPS.]
Carly? Yep.
It's me.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just stretching.
You are literally the healthiest person I know.
[CELESTE.]
: And you're back.
Does that mean you're joining LeapIN? Uh, thinking about it.
It'd be so nice to just dip in for an hour between meetings.
[BOTH.]
: Exactly.
Quick question, do you guys have a lost and found? Yeah, it's all the way in the back.
Oh, the other day, I left my sweater here.
Oh.
I'll go look.
What color was it? It's denim, but also camouflage, with fringe and neon.
Sounds cute.
Give me a minute.
Take all the minutes you need.
And maybe you should help her.
'Cause I'm a Gemini, so it's probably better if two people go.
That makes so much sense.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
[BEEPS.]
- You're spying on people.
- Carly.
I'm just eavesdropping.
But that's illegal.
Not according to our terms of service.
Nobody reads those things.
What's the problem? Your phone is listening to you.
Social media's listening to you.
Well, yeah, that's 'cause it's trying to sell you some Oh, God, the nests are mining our data so you can sell us stuff.
Not me.
Corporations who are willing to pay me for your data.
It's actually a much better business model than selling an actual product.
I won't let you get away with this.
[LAUGHS.]
Listen, you little bitch.
I am done asking nicely.
Put me on iCarly so I can promote LeapIN.
Or what? You won't let me dip in for an hour between meetings? Or your friend's little lookbook might disappear off this flash drive.
Fine.
But you're driving.
Fun.
We can put the top down.
Hey, hey, great news.
The Pear Store approved our app.
Wait, what's going on? Why isn't anybody working? We're in the middle of a board meeting.
Motion to remove Mr.
Benson as acting CDO.
- I second that motion.
- Great.
You're firing me? We haven't officially voted yet, and Olive still has to finalize your exit package, but yes.
[SCOFFS.]
Um, do you girls mind giving us a moment? You cool, Millicent? I'm cool.
[SCOFFS.]
What is this all about? Millicent's Minions was supposed to be about cupcakes and taking down the Sunshine Girls.
Yeah, and that's what we're doing.
No.
That's what you're doing.
You were supposed to help, but instead you took over and got carried away, and now Olive doesn't have any feeling in her left hand.
Oh, man, I'm gonna get another mean voice mail from her mom.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Millicent, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to spend time with you, but I didn't even get to do that.
Look, you may not be CDO anymore, but I guess I'll keep you on as my dad.
Dad? Don't make it weird.
[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES.]
Sorry.
Okay.
Um Good luck with your cupcakes.
Oh, no, we're done.
That was gonna be the next item on the agenda.
It's time to pivot to real estate.
It's all about passive income.
How much money do we have in the bank? Spencer? Hey, Harper.
Enjoying flourishing in your all-women environment? I was.
What are you doing here? Oh, they gave me a man-pass so I could set up my sculpture.
I just have to stay six feet away from members and not make a scene.
- Ooh, cucumber water.
- [ALARM SOUNDING.]
[DEVICE.]
: Caution: man! - Caution: man! - Get it off! - Get it off me! - Caution: man! Caution: man! Caution: man! - Caution - [ALARM STOPS.]
Did I make a scene? Nah, I'm sure no one noticed.
[GASPS.]
The secret room.
[LAUGHS.]
: Ooh.
What a fun airport security vibe.
[HARPER.]
: There's Toji.
Why is there a live feed inside the nests? For safety stuff.
Nothing nefarious.
Why is there a live feed of your living room? Okay, that's a little nefarious.
What's your boyfriend/my brother gonna say about this? I don't care.
I was just using Spencer to get to you and your subscribers.
[HARPER.]
: Oh, my God.
Carly was right.
All that free eye cream brightened my eyes but blinded me to the truth.
We got to get to the studio and help her.
Oh, after we grab two green juices for energy.
Three.
One for Argenthina Damn it, I still love her! Come on.
What is taking so long? [SIGHS.]
T-The camera's being weird.
I don't know how to fix it.
My producer Freddie usually does this.
Oh, God, Carly, that's embarrassing, all right? You really need a man to just turn on a camera? Carly, we're here to save you.
And I didn't get you a green juice.
But you can have mine.
CARLY: No Don't give her anything.
She's evil.
Yeah.
An evil genius.
Hardly.
She's using the nests to mine data just like every phone does.
Her plan is kind of basic.
No offense.
[LAUGHS.]
: Basic? Basic? Okay.
Your phone might pick up a random word here and there; my nests record your deepest insecurities, in high-def.
Women are so stupid and malleable, once you know what makes them feel bad, they'll buy anything to fix it.
When I take LeapIN global, I'll have nests across the world, and it all starts with the three million idiots who watch your show.
Now, how long before the camera's ready? Actually, it's been recording this entire time.
Say hi, Argenthina.
You recorded that? Sure did.
And if you don't want the entire Internet to know that their "feminist icon" is actually some woman-hating fraud, then you'll give Harper back her drive right now.
Okay, Nancy Drew.
See, Spencer? It is a compliment.
I say we expose Argenthina with maybe a miniseries on a premium streaming network.
[CARLY.]
: Ooh, really drag it out.
- Ten episodes.
Maybe even a second season.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Fine.
Delete the footage and I'll give you the drive.
Oh, I'm so happy I got my drive back! See? It's a little stiletto.
Just want to put it out there, I don't mind if you still want to spy on me.
[BOTH.]
: Spencer.
All right, ladies, even though it is a big sacrifice, I am willing to give up my walk-in pantry.
It's not like it was getting any use.
White people don't season their food.
What she meant to say was "thank you".
Ooh, I'm gonna love working here.
Especially 'cause it costs zero dollars.
We don't need Argentina or LeapIN.
Wait, is LeapIN bad? Argentina was using the nests to mine our data.
Oh, I don't care.
I love targeted ads.
That's how I found these clogs.
But you were in tears.
Remember? Y-You told me, "don't leap in".
That's 'cause I get free guest passes.
Plus, I'm just an emotional person.
[CRYING SOFTLY.]
Sorry, I'm just thinking about if I never found the clogs.
Well, you shouldn't pay to be part of a community.
Women should help each other, not profit off each other.
I know that's right.
Who's interested in purchasing a time-share from a female-owned small business? Ooh, me.
Sign me up.
Do you take Amex? That's my young person.