Ideal (2005) s01e07 Episode Script

Hiya, Sangita.
It's Nicki.
Hiya.
You all right? No.
Not really.
I just did a pregnancy test and Itested positive for baby.
You never! I'm pretty sure I followed the instructions OK.
Well, you're gonna have to go see a gynaecologist.
What good's a bush doctor gonna be? I'm pregnant.
I know I am.
I haven't had a period since the ''Eurovision Song Contest''.
- And what does Moz think? - That's just it, see.
It might not be Moz's.
What d'you mean? Well, he's got a one-in-three chance.
There's only one thing for it.
I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna tell him the truth.
I'm just poppin' out to get some tampons.
- Get us some fags, will ya? - Course.
Sure.
I'll get you some fags.
Why not? China.
Good to see ya.
- Broke up with Psycho Paul.
- Smart move.
As a rule, never date anyone whose nickname suggests anger-management issues.
- I'm seeing Cartoon Head again.
- Oh, you're not? Yeah.
II kept thinking about him.
Wondering what might've happened if we'd stayed together.
What might've happened?! He's a paranoid hit man who knocked you about.
- How many more clues d'you need? - There's another side to him.
- Is it worse? - He's like a little boy.
With a gun.
China, you're a delicate precious creature.
I don't want you being taken advantage of and me having to hear about it second-hand.
Nobody is taking advantage of anybody.
You don't have a blim I could take home, do ya? - Course I do.
- Oh, you're great, you.
You're like me other dad.
- Your dad never, er? - God, no! Good, good.
Aaaah! Raargh! Oooargh! Raargh! I don't normally cater for family groups.
I'm nearly done with this baby.
- Today is me last day.
- That's the beauty of childminding, innit? It's like rentin' a video.
Once you're finished with it, you just pop it back through the slot.
I've got a new baby lined up.
Oh, aye? One of me own.
- You what? - Yeah.
- You're not pregnant? - Yeah.
- Aren't we? - Mm.
Bloody hell.
Aren't you gonna congratulate us? Aye, yeah.
I'll crack open a bottle of Ribena Toothkind, shall I? We're gonna envelope together.
How are you gonna support yourselves? The money from two paper rounds don't go far.
- I wanna set up a nursery.
- No.
I were gonna call it Crash Bang Wallop.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I need to be there.
- Hiya, Moz.
- All right, Alex? How you doing? Just on me lunch break.
Thought I'd pop in, get a little bit mashed.
- You still teaching at secondary school, then? - Yeah, for me sins.
Felix.
- Have you come looking for me? - Eryeah.
- What you after? An eighth? - Eryeah.
Fine.
Look, it's all right, Felix.
You can relax.
Cheers, Miss.
- You know the nuclear family, do you? - I know Felix.
My name is Jenny.
- Hiya.
You Felix's girlfriend? - Oh, she's a lot more than that.
Yeah.
I'm his chaperone.
- Is he yours? - No.
And it's a she.
Oh, no, hang on.
Oh, you're right.
- Oh, it is a he.
(TUTS) - Oh, OK.
So, erwhen are you ''enveloping''? I dunno, we're still makin' plans.
I dunno whether to catch the train or get the coach.
Where to? I dunno.
You're young.
You've got the rest of your lives ahead of you.
Could be a good thing.
- Could be a bad thing.
- Tara! See ya on ''Trisha''.
I was thinking of asking you to speak at the school.
Speak? About drugs.
Speak about drugs? To the kids.
Speak to the kids about drugs? They need to hear about the harsh realities 'causepeople talk so much shit about drugs.
Yeah.
I know I do.
Half your sixth form come round here anyway.
You could call a register here some weeks.
Ah, now, that's another good topic.
What's it like working from home? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Well, the hours are terrible, but then I hardly do owt.
So it balances itself out.
Jesus! ''Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth''.
- It's been a while, lads.
- Been off on tour, haven't we? - Been having some mad times, y'know.
Mad.
- Mad! - Hello, Miss.
- Lee.
Jason.
Miss.
- How are you both? - Wicked.
We just got back off tour.
- You had a band, didn't you? - We're Silicone Valets.
- You didn't teach these Flop Idols, did you? - Yeah, tried to.
For me sins.
- Too rebellious to teach, us.
Weren't we, Miss? - No.
Just too thick.
- Do us a quarter, will ya, Moz? - Oh, two quarters for me.
Cheers.
Quarters, eh? You are doing well.
Oh, yeah.
Now who's thick? Keep the change.
Well, you completely cleared me out.
I'm gonna have to have a major restock.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Ah, well, better get back.
- Nice to see you both.
- Yeah.
Oh, actually .
.
this is our first EP.
It's called ''Exhibit A''.
Thanks.
Hope the teaching works out, Miss.
Yeah, I know I couldn't handle a load of kids screamin' at me every day.
No, 'cause that's for successful bands, i'nt it? Bye.
All right, fella? - Oh.
Hello, Miss.
- Bye, Kuldip.
- Bye, Moz.
- Bye.
'Ey! - I've been thinking.
- Yeah? Maybe we could send a class on a field trip to Amsterdam.
Yeah, I'll have a think about it.
- Oh, you better take this.
''Exhibit A''.
See you.
- See ya.
- You OK, Moz? - Yeah.
Hey, Nicki was saying how great you were at the party.
What she say? That youreally got her in the groove.
What? Me DJ set? Yeah, well, the groove ain't been made that I can't get people into.
What's that? It's nowt.
Look.
''Exhibit A''.
And for you, sir.
- Ta.
Wicked cover.
Makes me want to rinse it.
- Looks real, don't it? - Oh, it is.
Moz gave us it and it's his hanky.
- Lee! It's all right.
We put a thank-you note on the sleeve.
There you are.
What you doing? Puttin' me name on the sleeve! Telling King Gob here I gave you the hand! Why not take an advert out in ''Loot''? ''Moz supplies body parts''! - Shit, man! Where'd you get it from? - I found it in the kitchen.
End of story.
How can it be end of story? I mean, whose hand is it? The one a bloke killed over the road.
Mrs Slocombe dragged the hand in.
OK? Three little words, Moz? 999.
Three more.
Fuck off, Kuldip.
I didn't want the police here, so I gave it to Sonny and Cher.
- Nobody's gonna believe this.
- No, 'cause you're not telling anyone about it.
The four of are gonna keep the whole thing under wraps.
There's gonna be big posters of it everywhere.
The record company's giving us a big push.
I'll give you an even bigger one in a minute, knob-head! We could all go to prison for this.
Not me! I'm not involved.
I've got me records to think of.
- Hey, d'you need any remixes done? - Ah, yeah.
Yeah, that's not a bad idea, that.
Yeah, let's stick a foot on there! I tell you what.
I'll do a few remixes for you.
If you like 'em, we'll sort something out.
- Remixes of what? - Shut it, Gollum.
It's none of your business.
- None of my business? Remixing? DJ Troy? - Them's the words.
Now make sense of 'em.
''Exhibit A''.
Will you stop getting 'em out your bag? It looks like a cannibals' picnic round here.
- Who have you remixed, then? - Me.
- Yeah, you.
- No, me.
I've remixed me.
I remix me own tunes.
Right.
Any good? No.
You've got one more guess.
Think more ''opposite of good''.
Just finished me album, ''Troy's Noise''.
''Troy's Noise''.
Sounds French.
It's not just rhymes.
Talk to the hand, 'cause, ernobody round here's arsed.
Who rattled your face? I'm thinking of calling my mix the ''On The Bathroom Floor'' mix or maybe the ''He Shouts His Own Name When He Comes'' mix.
What are you gobbing on about? Have you had your brain clamped and towed away? - (PHONE RINGS) - Get that, our kid.
- I don't get calls.
- Further your people skills! Yeah.
Oh, right, hang on.
It's for you.
- Troy, it's for you! - It can't be.
- It is.
It's for you! - I don't get calls.
Well, you're getting this one.
It's Donna.
Your wife.
Oh.
Hiya, Donna.
- How's the wife? - She wants me to move back in with her.
Oh.
- D'you fancy it, or? - Aye.
Suppose.
- Best pack me bag.
- Yeah.
Suppose you best had.
Yes! - Couldn't lend us a ten-spot, could you? - Yeah, course, our kid.
Cheers, bro.
- Nicely, nicely! - That's a bit of a relief.
Bit of a relief? Bit of a relief? I feel like I've just done a dump the size of a man's head.
Troy? Look, about that tenner.
There'sno rush for payin' us back.
As long as it's within one calendar month.
- Moz, I know we've never been close - No, we hate each other.
- No, we don't.
- We do, don't we? We might.
Look, I don't want to see you get hurt.
You can't always trust your friends.
- Aye aye! - Or the law.
Yeah, well, sayonara, Senor Paranoia! All right, filth? Still got that tattoo of a Dalek on your arse? I can't stay long, Moz.
I'm mounted.
What, you left Shergar outside? You'd best leave.
The kids round here'll melt him down for glue.
Right, then, Moz, we'll be off Right, then.
See you, lads.
Bye, then.
Zig and Zag! Right, then, if I see the dogs that resemble the dogs you were talking about, I'll notify you! Right! - (PUNCHING) - Huh! Huh! Raus! - Yes! - Huh! Raus! - Huh! Raus! - 'Ey! Huh! Raus! Taste death! - (PUNCHING) - Huh! Raus! Huh! Raus! Huh! Raus! You'd hate it.
(PUNCHING) How many of these have you got? Got one to spare? It's not really your thing.
What sort of ''thing'' is it, then? It's, erit's Will Young.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Gone a bit hardcore, hasn't he? - Raus! Huh! Raus! - (PUNCHING) Raus! Smack.
- Yes! - Oh, yeah! Taste death! (SNORES) Hi.
Everyone.
Raus! Raus! - Did you get me my fags? - Soz.
I forgot.
Raus! Aaaaghh! Guess who I found out's pregnant.
- Hey? - Guess.
Go on, guess who's pregnant.
- I don't know.
ErNicki? - What?! - No.
Jenny.
- Oh.
No! God.
Rather her than me.
I loathe kids.
Yeah.
I loathe kids and all.
Kids? I really loathe 'em.
The only reason you lot don't like kids is because you're still living life like little kids! I'll freshen this bong water.
'Ey, how about this one? Guess who's movin' out.
- You? - No, Troy.
Oh, good.
I don't know why you let him move in.
He's me brother.
You never know when you'll need bone marrow.
He's rude, he's ignorant, he's lazy.
Yeah.
How could two brothers be so different? Anyway, he's gone.
Moved back in with Donna.
That's the last we'll see of ''The Troyminator''.
I had to tell you, at that party the other night in the bathroom, I saw - What? - What? You was in the bathroom at the party the other night and you saw Sawthat it needed a makeover.
So paint it magnolia.
Put some deckin' down.
Sort your taps out.
- Eh? - Just a fuckin' thought! Gotta go.
See ya.
What's up with you? Looks like death row in here.
Eryeah, well, better get back in the saddle.
That horse'll be on bricks by now.
I'd best bust a move.
I've got to meet Amanda.
- Who? - Amanda.
You know, with weird eyes.
See ya! Gonna pop out, get some fags.
God.
I want this baby.
But it's not that simple, is it? I mean, it might turn out to bebrownish.
Oh, right.
And is Moz racist? No.
That's not the point, is it? It's just (KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm comin'! 'Ey, that's what got you into trouble in the first place.
- Hiya.
Is Moz in? - He's off hunter-gathering.
He's out gettin' some cigs.
- Can I wait for him? - Who are you? Craig.
Friends call me Craigie.
Moz calls me Craigie.
I've got a delivery for him.
Really good gear.
He's been asking us to come round for ages.
- Shall I spark up a doobie? - I suppose that's the least you could do.
Yeah.
- You haven't got a beer? - I have, yeah.
- You two lesbos, then? - What? - I'm bi.
She's bi-curious.
- Am I? - You know you are.
- Yeah, I suppose I am.
What about you? I'm from Morpeth.
(KEY IN LOCK) Here's Moz.
Fancy going into town? - I'm going into town.
D'you want some fags? - I've got some now.
I've been ringing round everywhere.
Not a blade of grass in town.
- Good job your mate with the gear's here, then.
- Eh? See ya.
When? Oh, it's you.
- Ahoy, Captain! - What's that supposed to mean? Nowt.
Goodbye.
(FARTS) (FARTS) What are you doin' here? You threw a tin of dressed crab through my window.
I didn't mean owt by it.
Just trying to get your attention.
You've got it now.
You're off, pal, you're not needed.
I've bought some wicked gear.
You can have a little bit of it if you want.
(THEY GIGGLE) - Fizz Wiz? - You what? Whizz? Fizz Wiz.
It's weird.
It pops on your tongue.
I remember this.
Space Dust.
Didn't know they still made it.
(POPPING AND FIZZING) This is well good.
You know what'd be the best thing for doin' with this stuff? What? Oral sex.
Can you imagine? It'd be well intense.
Your cock'd feel like a sparkler, wouldn't it? Would it? You know what, Craig? I had this impression you were a proper big twat, but you're not so bad, are ya? - D'you like ''Star Trek''? - Fuckin' hate it.
I love it, me.
Me and me brother, we both love it.
''Next Gen'' is best.
Picard.
Picard! There's this amazing statistic, right? Did you know, no matter what time of day or night it is, there's always somebody somewhere watchin' ''Star Trek''? - Well, that's you, i'nt it? - Nah.
Well, sometimes it's me, yeah.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - Cartoon Head.
You all right, fella? - (CHUCKLES) What is it? Are you pissed? - What's up? Are you trippin'? - (CHUCKLES) You're grinnin' from ear to ear.
Cartoon Head, Craig.
Craig, Cartoon Head.
He's trippin', so don't freak him out.
(CHUCKLES) Huh-huh-huh! I like your mask! Good timin'.
Craig's got some wicked gear.
I were just gonna build another biftah.
Shit, we're out of Rizlas.
'Ere, CH! You got the, ernecessary papers? I might have some emergency liquorice ones in the knife drawer.
Cheers, fella.
Nice one.
- Why has he got that mask on? - Leave it.
- Is it 'cause he's tripping? - It's an everyday thing.
Don't mention it, OK? OK.
I've made two new friends today.
I haven't made many friends since I had the kids.
Kids? There we go.
That's the kids.
Poppy and Craig.
I see them as much as the restraining order allows.
Me and Cartoon Head'll cheer you up.
We'll take you clubbin'.
Have you been down to Floorgasm? - What is it? - A club.
Loads of ladies.
Loads of bustin' tunes.
- I like music.
- It'll be a laugh.
Come out clubbing.
OK, yeah.
OK, I will, yeah.
'Ere, I were just saying.
I reckon we should take Craig out.
I meant take him out clubbing! Not take him out, kill him! Ya daft bastard!