Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

Yeah, I'm drinking cucumber water right now.
I can't believe you got me a four-handed massage.
Like, I've never even heard of that.
That's-- that's way more expensive than anything I would get you, trust me.
I have to go, there's like two creepies here.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Do you guys need me to clear out of here? - Are you Amy? - Yeah.
You have a four-handed massage, yes? We're your therapists.
- I'm Noel.
- I'm Gunth.
Namaste.
Would you excuse me, just One minute? Hi, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Do you have any female therapists available? I think I just assumed they'd be women.
No women today.
All of our lady therapists are home with period cramps.
They synchronize their cycles.
But you're in for a real treat.
Before we get started, are there any injures we should know about? No, nothing I can think of.
You have no problems with your shoulders, - tummy, booty - No.
Elbows, ankles, ta-ta's? None of those things.
Everything's okay.
We'll just give you a moment to disrobe.
How much should I take off? Everything.
We wanna touch all of your skin.
All, my skin We'll be back in just a minute.
Okay.
- Are you naked yet? - No.
- Wonderful, we're coming in.
- Jesus! Nice.
Nice what? I was talking to Gunth.
He's doing a wonderful job.
Are you tight? You seem really tight.
Are you feeling tight? Okay, are you talking to me or each other right now? Okay Now we're gonna jam on your lower body.
Crazy.
Her legs are exactly the same.
Okay, what are you talking about? Your legs.
Oh.
They're the exact same as our niece's.
Okay, I'm really having trouble relaxing.
Would you guys mind just not talking? Maybe like just putting on some music? Of course we're sorry.
Omm Guys, guys Guys, I know that's just you singing.
We're not singing.
We're not.
Oh, sorry.
Take another deep breath.
Okay, you have a severe knot in this muffin top and we're gonna work it out.
Okay, how many hands are on me right now? Shh Sync && corrections by XhmikosR I like when I start dating someone new, and, uh, I think all girls do this.
You kinda test how much (bleep) a guy will take.
You're just like, here's a little bit.
Here's a little bit.
Then finally he's like, "Hey!" You're like, okay, so that's the line, okay.
I want a guy who I can push around just like a little bit, you know? Just like a guy in a wheelchair, because They need you.
Well, can I just say I love it here and I definitely wanna be your housemate.
Awesome, great, um I do need to warn you about one thing.
So you haven't met Amy yet, she's great.
She does have a boyfriend who comes over a lot and they fight.
Oh, well, all couples fight, I think.
Uh, it's crazy, it's really shocking the things that they say to each other.
All your thoughts are Here we go.
from elderly people, from old people, yeah.
You know what you are, you're a poop person.
I'm a poop person? God pooped in his hand, threw it at earth and you're that poop.
Oh, our Lord and Savior poops in His hand? You know what, I hope you have to sneeze like and it just doesn't happen for you.
I hope that you get stuck in traffic lights and you just miss the green one! I hope that the next time that you go to a wedding you're wearing the same dress as someone else and it becomes the joke of the night.
You have to take pictures with that person.
Well, I hope that next time you watch an episode of "Homeland" that the DVR cuts out before you see scenes from the next week so to find out what happened you have to just like ask around the office or look online like a homeless person! And I hope that the next time you go to a concert that the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear and instead, they just play songs off their new album! Oh, God! Or like a jam session or something I think we might need to call the police.
Katia, get in here, he's lost his damn mind! Whoa, Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
David, put that down.
David, this isn't you.
You don't wanna do this.
You need to leave right now.
Is that what you want, Amy? What I want, is for you to accidentally sit on your cell phone.
And I want you to touch four P's in a row to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.
You know what-- I hope the next time that you take a shower the shower curtain clings to you and no matter what you do, you can't get it off you.
You can get it off you, but for the rest of the day, you never really feel clean! Get out! Get out! He's sick.
Get out! And I'm not coming back here ever.
Unless this blows over.
It's over now, okay? He almost went so insane I know.
There was a moment there.
Hey, this is Karen.
She might move in with us.
Hi.
You didn't even tell me you're moving out, you dumb (bleep)? I'm sorry you guys, this is my boyfriend.
You know what? You're the (bleep)! Why don't you get your (bleep) out of your (bleep)! Why don't you get the (bleep) out of your ears and get your skank-ass and get the rest of your (bleep) out here.
You know what, I hope you rot in hell after you watch every single person you love die.
You are a white trash piece of (bleep).
You are the reason why your stepmother killed herself.
Oh, my God! Get back here.
You are a (bleep) (bleep) (bleep).
She's great.
She's so cool.
Yeah, she's really nice.
What's the worst thing you've ever done? Sex wise? That's not what I meant but now I wanna know.
Well, I wanna thank everyone for coming in today.
Uh, group therapy, I know it can make men a little uncomfortable.
But I guarantee you your communication skills will improve.
Well, why don't we start with you, David.
Um, okay.
So I know Lisa-- that's my wife.
Um she thinks we just hit a bump in our marriage but the thing is, um for the last few years I've had a secret family in Tampa.
It sounds bad.
David, there are no judgments here.
That must be very painful for you to have a secret from your wife.
It's the worst.
Have you given any thought to a remedy? Well, yeah, I was thinking, um maybe going on a sunset boat ride for our anniversary? Take her out in the open ocean, drug her, throw her in the water so she drowns.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
How do we-- uh, what do-- how 'bout we say for now that you do nothing? Well, it's not for a couple months.
Okay, good, so So don't do anything-- do nothing.
Uh, and, uh, Ben.
Do you have a share? My deal is a few months ago I told my wife I was going on a business trip.
But in truth, I went on a two-month sex tour of sub-Sahara Africa.
So that.
How do you feel? How do you feel about that, how do you feel? Honestly great.
That was the best trip I ever took in my life, hands down.
If you ever get the chance to go - Really? - Go.
Is it expensive? Yeah, it's crazy expensive Okay, okay, well, that'll be interesting for us to research on our own.
Oh, yeah, all right, so, as a result of my trip now I'm in a ton of debt.
I'm hiding it from Karen and I just don't even know how to bring it up to her.
That's a difficult conversation to have.
Maybe we could all brainstorm some solutions together.
Oh, well, I was kinda more thinking, you know, probably just chop her up in little pieces and drain her bank account.
Okay, uh, you know what, I wanna just pause here, uh Um, first of all, no one feel any pressure to unload everything today.
It's the first day.
And then also, um, maybe as a group we can we can come up with, uh with a solution to Ben's issues that don't involve him murdering Karen.
Um he can hire somebody to kill Karen? Oh.
Great, okay.
I didn't even think of that.
Um, you know what-- how about Let's all work together here and come up with some solutions, uh where we can keep Karen alive.
- Alive - Alive.
Oh, what if I bury her alive? Okay, that-- no.
Just kind of like meeting halfway.
At the end of that, she would still be dead.
Sebastian Sebastian, we haven't heard from you, yet.
So, I've been playing fantasy football with this same group of guys for years now.
But, uh, my wife, Darflin, she nags me for spending so much time on it.
I just wish she could understand that that's just time I'm using to like zone out.
Have you tried expressing to your wife that's just time that you need to decompress? I don't know.
But, and the other part of it is last weekend I (bleep) all the guys in the fantasy league and I never used any protection like at all.
And we did everything.
Um, you are, uh, I think you're putting Darfla's health at stake.
It's Darflin.
Darflin's health at stake.
You're kind of obligated to tell her.
I know that on paper, that-- that's the right thing to do but you just have no idea how high-strung she is.
I really think the best thing to do is just sneak up behind her and break her neck.
Okay, okay.
Is it really easier to kill her than it would be to just talk to her? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, yeah, 'cause I think, if I, if I, if I told her it would probably kill her anyway.
Babe, are you ready or what? I told you 8:00.
Yeah, but I'm hungry now.
Ten minutes.
Can't we just wrap it up? Go to the car.
How much longer can these guys talk about their feelings.
- Get in the (bleep) car.
- Let's go.
You get in the car.
- Chop, chop, come on.
- Close the door.
Close the door.
I'm so sorry about that everyone.
Sometimes, I don't know what to do.
Well, you could slowly poison him over time or something.
Yeah, it'll just look like he got sick.
Yeah.
Or-- off of what David just said, uh, you go on a hiking trip, right? Then when he falls asleep, you shoot him with a gun that you got off the Mexican internet.
They have their own internet? Yeah, it's mostly just for guns.
But, uh it's untraceable.
It's not hard, I got the number if you want it.
Yeah, I'd love the number.
What's the worst thing you've ever done? I really can't think of anything off the top of my head.
I killed my parents.
Hey, fly safe.
- I love you sweetheart.
- I love you.
Bye now.
My wife thinks I'm a pilot.
But I'm not.
I have a secret family.
How do I sleep at night? I made both my wives buy a Comforsleep.
Every day people across America are finding out that a Comforsleep mattress will give you the best night's sleep of your life.
When I accidentally killed my dog by leaving him in the car, I thought I'd never sleep another wink.
But then, a friend told me about Comforsleep.
Don't you deserve the kind of dark dreamless sleep where not even God can find you? This mattress makes me sleep like I wasn't molested.
Thanks, Comforsleep.
With our patented no-memory foam you can forget the past.
I have a stressful job rejecting totally reasonable insurance claims.
So this is perfect for me.
I didn't know it was an orphanage when I accelerated through that front window.
Maybe now the screaming will stop.
Comforsleep.
How do you sleep at night? She witnessed the whole thing.
She is the key to solving this murder.
Okay, so what is it you actually need from me? She has multiple-personality disorder.
The one that saw the murder is named Kimberly.
We need you to bring out that personality.
See what I can do.
Hi there, I'm Dr.
Morgan.
Hi.
I'm from the South.
Would you like some lemonade? That's a southern accent? I would love some lemonade.
What's your name? My name? Yes, I bet a beautiful southern belle has a beautiful southern name.
I'm not from the South.
I'm from London, my name Will.
She sounds like a God-damn chimney sweep.
Is this a different person? You sound kind of like the other girl.
What'cha mean? A second ago I was talking to somebody from the South, but you're from London.
I'm this many years old.
My name's Katrina.
I got one that age.
Doesn't this bother you a little bit? Doesn't this upset you at all? Okay, good, now we're getting somewhere.
Hi Katrina.
Can you tell me if Kimberly can come out and talk? I'm Melinda.
I'm the sexy one.
Excuse me a minute.
She's mocking us, right? No, she's not.
You know those people who are just really terrible at doing accents? Yeah.
Well, she's one of those people.
Unfortunately, she happens to have a multiple-personality disorder.
For Christ's sakes.
Fascinating, she actually believes she's these different people.
She just doesn't have the faculties to create the dialect.
So you're saying that she She sucks at having multiple personalities.
Get me out of here! What is that now? Is that an Asian? Jamaican, I don't know.
Look, whoever you are, we really need to talk to Kimberly, please.
Who? Is this Kimberly? Yes? Kimberly, what did you see last night? I "sawr a moon wid da goon.
" Oh, what is she saying? She's worse at doing accents than I thought.
Can you slow down when you talk? I sawrs a moon wid da goon.
Is that the Swedish chef, what is it, come on.
No Swedish chef, you can sometimes hear what he's saying.
Can we please just go round up a bunch of black guys? Yeah, let's do that.
Hello? So Kenny, you are an ex-cop and you're now a bodyguard.
Correct.
I know you because I used to open for Jim Norton Right.
and you are right now his bodyguard.
Yeah.
Uh, how long were you in the force? I was a cop for 25 years.
I was a corrections officer before that in a state prison.
What prison? The same prison where Stallone filmed "Lock Up".
Why are you saying that like it's so cool, like who cares? Do you have a gun right away? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go to the police academy.
You graduate.
They give you a gun and a badge.
I mean, are there some just like straight-up (bleep) in the academy that you can't even believe they have a gun? Um, there's an interesting group of people.
Of cops, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna name three races.
You tell me, who did it, okay? All right.
It's like a Jewish guy.
Half-- he's half Jewish, half Latino and one guy is half Irish, half Puerto Rican and then the other guy is Black.
Who did it? The guilty person.
It was the Jewish guy.
I-- I don't-- you know, I need to know the facts before I act.
- I just gave you the facts.
- Okay.
- It was a Jew.
- Okay.
Um, if I were to wanna become a cop how long would it take me from today to when I got a gun? You gotta pass the background investigation.
Do you know my priors? Shoplifting, right? Yeah, can I have a felony? No, no crimes of moral turpitude.
Crime of moral turpitude? Yeah.
What's something that people should know about cops that they don't? Well, I don't know, it's a thankless job.
A lot of people don't realize that.
Everybody loves firemen, they hate cops.
What about you, do you love firemen? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't do fire.
- I'm scared of fire.
- What are you scared of? I don't like scary movies.
I remember one time-- you know that movie "Se7en".
I do know that movie.
That's not a scary movie.
That's just like an action movie.
And I remember, I watched it, you know, on my night off by myself one night.
And afterwards, I had to take my dog out for a walk and I had to bring my gun and a flashlight And then once I was out there walking my dog I was mad at myself that I didn't bring my big gun.
So on your night off do you usually just watch a Brad Pitt movie by yourself? That was back in 1995 - He was hot then, he was hot then.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know who would play a great fireman? - Who, Brad Pitt? - Brad Pitt.
That's right.
How many Asian guys have you ever arrested? Mmm You never kept track of the Asians? No, I like their food.
How often do you say the "N" word? I've used it on occasion.
Oh, my God, Kenny.
Denzel What about Denzel? got an Academy award in "Training Day" for using that word.
Okay, but you were not in that movie and you are not Denzel.
Exactly.
- Kenny - What? If you were trapped on a desert island with one actor, who would it be? You.
No, it has to be a guy.
If it were guy? Why, why a guy? It's not-- that's the game.
I don't play games.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever seen Benjamin Button? That movie with Brad Pitt? Oh, I didn't even remember if Brad Pitt was in it but you obviously did.
Yeah, isn't that when he's like, uh goes from old to young? Yeah.
Did you-- at the end of the movie were-- - was that your favorite part? - Never seen it.
But I seen the "Tree of Life".
Uh, what are your main jobs as a bodyguard? Well, I got a couple main clients now.
I work for "The Opie and Anthony" - Radio Show every morning.
- Mm-hmm.
And I travel with a comedian now, Jim Norton.
Um, what happens if-- if as a bodyguard you call in sick? Are you just like, sorry, good luck out there.
Luckily, I, uh, never get incapacitated, you know.
And if I get the sniffles I just deal with it and Get the sniffles? Yeah, and um Even when I was a cop, like, I had a very good attendance record.
If you're not early, you're not on time.
You are so awful.
All right, thank you so much for coming in.
It was an honor.
- If you're on time, you're late.
- Okay.
I wanna-- I wanna get-- I know some people wrote some questions down.
I would love to get those up here.
I'm gonna answer some of them.
Let's see Are you related to Senator Chuck Schumer? Only when I'm arrested for shoplifting.
Do you have any female therapists available? I think I just assumed they'd be women.
I think I just like assumed they'd be women? No women today.
All of our lady therapists are home with period cramps.
They synchronize their circles.
But you're in for one heck of a treat.
Their circles? Cut! It's so easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR