It's a Date (2013) s01e07 Episode Script
Should You Have Sex On A First Date?
1 Thunder FM! Hello? Sally speaking.
Ah, hello, is that-a Sally? Yes Love, I'm running late.
Make sure you lock up, will you? You still meetin' me down the club for dinner after my shift? Yep.
Have a good day, sweetheart.
You too.
.
.
It's-a the mechanic, and-a the car, she's-a broken.
She needs a new piecost.
A what? She needs a new-a the piecost!! What's a piecost? $2.
80! Or $2.
90 with-a sauce!! Thunder FM! Oh, Sal, you have been Oinked! Oh, my God.
Every time.
He's the best.
I can't believe he can even get away with that.
It's mad.
Eyes on the road! Oh, Josie, you missed a classic Oink Call this morning.
Oink Call? The Pig? You don't want to know, trust us.
I think you're right, young Thomas.
Not really my thing.
Well, speaking of your thing, Doug is in the TV room.
Is he, now? I think I'll go and say hello to Mr Fellows.
I heard a rumour that today might be the day that you ask Doug on a date.
Not that it's any of my business.
There's only one thing worse than being talked about, young Tom, and that's not being talked about.
Oh, my God, I think Josie just quoted Kanye.
No way.
OK, Sam.
Sure, I'll go and get I'll put you on hold.
Classic Pig! Hey, coming up next, Twat's Hot and Twat's Not with Twatsie.
You're on Twatsie and The Pig, Thunder FM.
Coming up to 8:20am.
It's gonna get to 26 today.
That's hot, hot, hot.
But right now, mmm, Nickelback.
We're good.
Good work, people.
Pig, there's a girl on line 4.
What girl? The same one that's rung every day this week.
Your biggest fan, apparently.
Oh, someone wants pork on their fork.
You're talking to The Pig! I hope it's reverse charges! What can I do for ya? Hello, my name is Sam.
Hey, Sam.
Sam-I-Am.
Do you like Green Eggs and Ham, Sam? Um, sorry? What can I do you for, Sam? I'm your biggest fan.
I was wondering if I could meet you some time? Maybe tonight? Ah how old are you, Sam? She's young! I'm 18.
Look, this has all been voted on, woman.
Now take that remote control out from under your dumpy arse I prefer Karl and Lisa.
.
.
and turn it back on.
I prefer democracy, and we voted for Sunrise last week at the AGM.
I don't remember that.
Course you don't remember.
Can I help in some way? She's a bitch.
Excuse me, Doug, there was something I was wanting to .
.
ask.
What the bloody - Doug Fellows, I've been trying to get your attention! You can have my attention, love, when this mad old bat here gives me back the remote control.
The Cash Cow will be on in a minute.
What's going on in here? Doug Fellows .
.
will you go out with me? A dinner date some place nice, with menus and tablecloths and fine Sheffield cutlery.
Why would you want to do that? I'd never live it down! If you say no, neither of us will.
Look, the truth is, darling, I'd love to take you out but I'm not allowed to leave the premises.
It's a legal thing.
Right, Tom? Come on, Doug, you old stick-in-the-mud.
Have a night on the town.
Shake it like a Polaroid picture.
What on Earth are you on about, son? Your hips have been out more times in the past six months than you have.
So? Why not.
It's a date! Yeah.
Leonie.
Can I have the key to your heart? Or the toilet? Sure.
It comes with a bat.
Mum, can I please have an ice-cream, please? Oohhh.
That will do, Pig.
That will do.
Hello, is that the police? Something AWFUL has happened! OK, what's your name? Yvana Fistmi.
Sorry, can I get that again? Yvana Fistmi.
Ya-varna Fist-mi? OK, darl, if that's what you want! Thunder FM! Looking good, Pig.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May May going on this date too - all sounds a bit sordid, if you ask me.
No, Mona, it's a sonnet.
Josie was an actress, a Shakespearean actress.
Oh, she's - She's travelled the entire country performing Shakespeare.
She has.
Well, you know what they say about actresses - fast and easy, the lot of them.
Oh, Josie.
You look beautiful, love.
Really, really, beautiful.
Doesn't she, Mona? You don't want to give a man like Doug Fellows the wrong impression.
Maybe the wrong impression is exactly the impression I'm striving to make.
Fast and easy.
Fellows has stunned the champ.
Jab, jab.
Right cross, left hook.
And the underdog's taken the crown.
Fellows! Fellows! Fellows! You beauty! Ah, there's no fool like and old fool, Douglas.
But don't make a bloody dill of yourself, son.
My name is Pat Muy Kok.
Pat Muy Kok.
OK.
No thanks, I'm just about to eat.
Sammy, true to my word, here I am.
The Pig.
Um.
Yep.
Quicker than your average pig? Be-der, be-der, be-der, that's not all, folks! Boy.
You are fit.
Josie.
I bought you these.
You can whack 'em in a vase, or something, if you like.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
Come on, we'd better get going.
It's nearly 5:30.
Booked into the Bonza View.
Not a bad little joint.
In-room jacuzzi, continental breakfast for two.
I like your jacket.
So did Terence Trent D'Arby.
Interviewed him at the Sydney InterContinental in '91.
Couldn't keep his eyes off it.
What music are you into? Ah, let me guess.
Pussycat Dolls.
I like all kinds of music.
You've been doing radio for a while, yeah? So, how did you start out? Started out in this biz like most people do.
Driving the Rockin' Vans for RoxFM.
Giving out cans of Coke and CD singles to Prize Pigs.
Is that why they call you The Pig? Hell, no! Prize Pigs are radio listeners that'll do anything for any shitty radio prize.
We once made someone's nan eat a cow pat for Motley Crue tickets! So, why DO they call you The Pig? Wow.
'The following program contains sex scenes, drug references and occasional course language.
' It's 1994.
The Cackle Factory have got a listener promo giving away front row seats at a backstage meet and greet for The Smashing Pumpkins.
Cut a long story shot, I'm in the Rockin' Van - rockin' the van - don't come knocking if the van's a-rocking? Anyway, they do.
There we are! She's legs akimbo Um .
.
I'm up to me' nuts in guts and The Pig is born! Please.
Hi, love.
I'm just finishing up.
Oh, my God, Sam.
What the bejesus have you gone and done? You said Whoa.
Your mum? I'm not into that sick shit.
Sisters maybe but not mother and daughter.
Sam! You said I could meet him after I turned 18.
Yeah, but not like this, darl.
Hey, you can meet me any time you like, sweetheart.
I mean, it is .
.
legal.
OK, tell him.
Tell me what? You're my dad.
Hello, Paul.
Fuck a duck.
Attention.
Broom, mop and bucket to room 24.
Here, Doug.
Now, this is the soup of the day.
There you go.
Which is, er .
.
is, um well, it's the soup of the day.
And it's, it's, um - Well, it's soup.
What else do you want to bloody know? Sounds delightful, Stanley.
Right.
Correction - a yellow mop and bucket to room 24 and 25.
Jesus.
This is bullshit with a capital 'Get-farked'.
You asked me on this date.
A date?! It's not a date.
I just said I wanted to meet him.
Not a date? I'm in the Bonza View, for Christ's sake.
It has got an in-room jacuzzi.
Is this about the cash? Are you extorting The Pig? Oh, for Christ's sake, get over yourself.
She's 18.
If I wanted cash, I would've asked for it years ago.
Are you sure she's mine? How can you be sure? Let's say my dance card wasn't exactly chockers back then.
Number 42, reef and beef and tuna mornay.
Number 42.
By this time, we're both as bloodied as a butcher's apron, more bruises than a rotten apple and the crowd were going absolutely apeshit.
The audiences always loved the death scenes.
The bloodier the play, the more popular.
Hamlet, Macbeth, Julius Caesar.
Joan always insisted on butter, never margarine.
She said she would only use margarine .
.
if she was making a sandwich for the Devil.
It's not treason to say the American servicemen looked smarter.
But the Aussie boys .
.
always made me laugh.
Milk outta glass bottles for me.
Simplicity, manners.
I remember wearing gloves.
Ah, I just did what I had to do and hopefully I did it without gettin' my melon pummelled.
What fascinating lives we've led.
Ah, we're just a couple of old carnies, you and I.
You OK? Oh, yeah.
I've got a daughter whose arse I was feeling up a few minutes ago.
How's your day going? My daughter set me up with a guy who knocked me up in a van.
I'm havin' an absolute blinder.
I've just been felt up by my dad and found out I was conceived at a radio contest.
I win.
Is this some kind of sick joke? Because this is not the way you break this kind of news to someone.
I told her you were her father.
But I had no part in this.
Did you consider picking up the phone in the past 18 years? You've been busy.
Busy? 'Hello, Pig, you've got a daughter.
' I think you would have had my attention.
It was all a bit of a blur.
I had a baby girl who wouldn't sleep, I was exhausted for a decade.
Was a time when I was going to call you but I read in the paper you got married and Divorced .
.
and married again.
.
.
and divorced again.
I tried to call you a few times, STD, and all.
You know, long distance, not as in herpes and AIDS.
You didn't wanna get stuck with a girl from around here.
You know what they used to call a good-looking girl from around here? A tourist.
That's awful! I wanted to handle this my way, on my terms, which was tough for a Catholic girl to do.
Well, a submarine Catholic - only surface in times of crisis - but Catholic all the same.
My parents wanted to send me off for a For a what? An abortion, dickhead.
Gran and Pop wanted you to abort me? Well, it wasn't really you back then.
Besides, your gran's mum wanted her to get rid of me.
You know, we have a history of early pregnancies and pressure to abort.
It's become a family tradition.
Jesus Christ! Who are you people? Ah, that was a feed fit for a king.
But I must get you home.
It's almost eight o'clock and the cricket will be on and I don't want you turning into a pumpkin.
Do you miss company, Doug? Ah, there's always company around here.
Sure, we gotta put up with Mona and Stan but - ah, they're not too bad.
I don't mean that.
If I want to play a hand of Gin Rummy or gossip, yes, they're people for that, good people, but I guess what I'm really referring to more so than company was .
.
companionship.
Companionship? Don't you miss intimacy? I'm bringing on the soup now.
You've already brought the soup, mate.
You've had the soup? We've had the soup.
You've had the soup.
Alright, my pleasure.
You've had the soup.
Right-io, I suppose I'd better get you home before they set the bloody hounds onto us.
Yes, of course.
I don't want you missing the cricket.
There you go, love.
Ta.
Cheers.
You're still looking good.
Let's address the elephant in the room - I'm it.
Don't say that.
Fuck, we've all changed.
I'm not as quick as I was.
Up here I'm golden, but - you know, between the wickets.
I do remember you were pretty quick.
Yeah, well, you were the one riding me like a stolen horse.
I seem to recall you going off like an unmanned garden hose.
That's because I was doing it with an older, more experienced lady.
Not that much older, but very experienced.
I've occasionally thought - I wonder if we didn't, you know, if we'd just gone out for a dinner and a movie instead, how that would have turned out for us.
Just wondering what movies were on.
Shawshank Redemption.
Morgan Freeman.
'Rehabilitation? That's a bullshit word.
Go ahead and stamp your file, son.
I don't give a shit.
' Do you hate me? Sneaky! He's in the back bar.
Pig, Pig, Pig, my mate Richo's on the phone - oink him! Oh! Do Pat Muy Kok! Pat Muy Kok! Hello! Richo! Oh, hello, Richo! Oh! There you go, mate.
Yeah.
Not as funny as he is on the radio, eh? Bit of a fat bastard too.
Hey cock head, fuck off.
Well, goodnight, Josie.
That was very nice.
I would like you to join me in my room.
And I don't mean to talk.
Struth, woman, you're gamer than the dog's cock.
You'll give anything a go! Look, I'm going to bed.
Hey.
Your soup's gone cold.
So.
How's my daughter? I got lucky, she's a gem.
She's kind, smart, funny.
I don't know whether I should tell you this, but .
.
she loves prank calls and she's got an ear for accents.
Bullshit! Mm.
No bloody fear, woman.
I'm finished with that game.
I put my cue in the rack, darlin'.
Got the wrong bloke there.
Fancy her, putting that in the equation, at our age.
Christ.
What does she bloody expect? Really, what does she expect? Women - Christ.
Look, I woulda come back quicker, but I thought I'd give the old Niagaras a bit of a scrub up.
You know-a the pokie, she's a-rigged! That's why you never win! That's why I never play the hokey pokie.
Au contraire, we love ze pokie in Gay Paris.
Oh, hello.
I don't know who you are.
My name is Mario, the motor mechanic from-a Mordialloc.
My name is Madam Croissant.
Jesus, a jackpot! I must zank you for not feeling my buttocks this time, no? Aw, darling, you've got nothing that interests me! I prefer meat and two veg! Really? Yvana Fistmi? Sorry, it'll just take me a while to adjust to to this.
Erm - By the way, we're having a BBQ at our house tomorrow to celebrate my birthday, just if you wanted to come.
That sounds great.
Cool.
But I've got to be, ah .
.
back in town, crack of dawn, you know, we got a thing.
That's fine.
Maybe another time.
Yeah.
For sure.
Nice to see you again, Paul.
Paul! That's a crack up.
What a wanker.
Yeah, I do remember the last I did the horizontal Highland dance and I have rather fond memories of it.
But what if I put my shirt on and get out stakes and me horse doesn't get up.
I'm sorry, I don't quite understand.
What I'm saying - what if the old fella gets stage fright? That wouldn't surprise me, it's been tucked away that long.
You wouldn't know fondle it or iron it.
Well, I'll put the Fabulon on standby, Doug.
Yeah, but suppose I can't crack it for a Ballarat.
I'd be lucky to get past mast these days, do you know what I'm trying to say, Josephine? I like it that we're nervous, Doug.
I like it that we're scared.
Testes, testes, one, two, three.
We do listen to you, every morning.
I thought it was important you know that.
Hey, ah - I've still got the hotel.
It's got a jacuzzi.
Continental breakfast for two.
You don't want that.
Hey, don't be hard on yourself.
I'm a bloke, you know what we're like.
I have a boyfriend.
And he's fucking massive.
Sounds like a nice fella.
You .
.
didn't answer my question before.
What's that? Do you hate me? It's a pity you're not coming tomorrow.
Why's that? We're cooking pig on a spit! Wow, they're beautiful balloons.
Are they for me? No! No, she bought them especially for Nanna, didn't you? You can run off if you like and go see Nanna now.
Has she been up and about this morning? No, I haven't seen her this morning, she must be having a lie in.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
Girls! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Let's go, sweethearts.
Oh, girls, there's a kids a farm, thing, ponies and stuff.
Oh, great, fun, ponies.
Fast and easy.
Balloons have done well to stay up this long.
I think we're in trouble.
They've got no right to be bloody angry.
How do they reckon they got here in the first place? We're like a couple of teenagers.
I hope I performed a bit better than that, darlin'.
Doug! Ah, we did alright, girl, didn't we? Not a bad one to retire on.
Who said anything about retiring? I shall see you at lunch, Ophelia.
My Lord .
.
he hath importuned me with love, in an honourable fashion.
Ah, to be or not to be.
That was that Shakespeare joker, wasn't it? See ya, love.
Kids.
Surprise, surprise, Uncle Ian is tipsy already.
Is he still wearing his false leg? Yeah.
He'll be right.
# For she's a jolly good lassie! And so say all of us And so say all of us.
Hi, Sam.
Boy, you are fit.
Thank you.
Come in.
Just through there.
I admit that my profile pic may have been a little misleading.
A little misleading? You promised me Antonio Banderas.
What do I get? Fucking Santa.
It's up to our generation to change things and end poverty.
Poverty's a biggie.
I am full of fiery Latino blood.
You're full of shit, now fuck off.
Is it because I'm older? You've gotta be kidding me.
Oh, dear, do you have to register that?
Ah, hello, is that-a Sally? Yes Love, I'm running late.
Make sure you lock up, will you? You still meetin' me down the club for dinner after my shift? Yep.
Have a good day, sweetheart.
You too.
.
.
It's-a the mechanic, and-a the car, she's-a broken.
She needs a new piecost.
A what? She needs a new-a the piecost!! What's a piecost? $2.
80! Or $2.
90 with-a sauce!! Thunder FM! Oh, Sal, you have been Oinked! Oh, my God.
Every time.
He's the best.
I can't believe he can even get away with that.
It's mad.
Eyes on the road! Oh, Josie, you missed a classic Oink Call this morning.
Oink Call? The Pig? You don't want to know, trust us.
I think you're right, young Thomas.
Not really my thing.
Well, speaking of your thing, Doug is in the TV room.
Is he, now? I think I'll go and say hello to Mr Fellows.
I heard a rumour that today might be the day that you ask Doug on a date.
Not that it's any of my business.
There's only one thing worse than being talked about, young Tom, and that's not being talked about.
Oh, my God, I think Josie just quoted Kanye.
No way.
OK, Sam.
Sure, I'll go and get I'll put you on hold.
Classic Pig! Hey, coming up next, Twat's Hot and Twat's Not with Twatsie.
You're on Twatsie and The Pig, Thunder FM.
Coming up to 8:20am.
It's gonna get to 26 today.
That's hot, hot, hot.
But right now, mmm, Nickelback.
We're good.
Good work, people.
Pig, there's a girl on line 4.
What girl? The same one that's rung every day this week.
Your biggest fan, apparently.
Oh, someone wants pork on their fork.
You're talking to The Pig! I hope it's reverse charges! What can I do for ya? Hello, my name is Sam.
Hey, Sam.
Sam-I-Am.
Do you like Green Eggs and Ham, Sam? Um, sorry? What can I do you for, Sam? I'm your biggest fan.
I was wondering if I could meet you some time? Maybe tonight? Ah how old are you, Sam? She's young! I'm 18.
Look, this has all been voted on, woman.
Now take that remote control out from under your dumpy arse I prefer Karl and Lisa.
.
.
and turn it back on.
I prefer democracy, and we voted for Sunrise last week at the AGM.
I don't remember that.
Course you don't remember.
Can I help in some way? She's a bitch.
Excuse me, Doug, there was something I was wanting to .
.
ask.
What the bloody - Doug Fellows, I've been trying to get your attention! You can have my attention, love, when this mad old bat here gives me back the remote control.
The Cash Cow will be on in a minute.
What's going on in here? Doug Fellows .
.
will you go out with me? A dinner date some place nice, with menus and tablecloths and fine Sheffield cutlery.
Why would you want to do that? I'd never live it down! If you say no, neither of us will.
Look, the truth is, darling, I'd love to take you out but I'm not allowed to leave the premises.
It's a legal thing.
Right, Tom? Come on, Doug, you old stick-in-the-mud.
Have a night on the town.
Shake it like a Polaroid picture.
What on Earth are you on about, son? Your hips have been out more times in the past six months than you have.
So? Why not.
It's a date! Yeah.
Leonie.
Can I have the key to your heart? Or the toilet? Sure.
It comes with a bat.
Mum, can I please have an ice-cream, please? Oohhh.
That will do, Pig.
That will do.
Hello, is that the police? Something AWFUL has happened! OK, what's your name? Yvana Fistmi.
Sorry, can I get that again? Yvana Fistmi.
Ya-varna Fist-mi? OK, darl, if that's what you want! Thunder FM! Looking good, Pig.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May May going on this date too - all sounds a bit sordid, if you ask me.
No, Mona, it's a sonnet.
Josie was an actress, a Shakespearean actress.
Oh, she's - She's travelled the entire country performing Shakespeare.
She has.
Well, you know what they say about actresses - fast and easy, the lot of them.
Oh, Josie.
You look beautiful, love.
Really, really, beautiful.
Doesn't she, Mona? You don't want to give a man like Doug Fellows the wrong impression.
Maybe the wrong impression is exactly the impression I'm striving to make.
Fast and easy.
Fellows has stunned the champ.
Jab, jab.
Right cross, left hook.
And the underdog's taken the crown.
Fellows! Fellows! Fellows! You beauty! Ah, there's no fool like and old fool, Douglas.
But don't make a bloody dill of yourself, son.
My name is Pat Muy Kok.
Pat Muy Kok.
OK.
No thanks, I'm just about to eat.
Sammy, true to my word, here I am.
The Pig.
Um.
Yep.
Quicker than your average pig? Be-der, be-der, be-der, that's not all, folks! Boy.
You are fit.
Josie.
I bought you these.
You can whack 'em in a vase, or something, if you like.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
Come on, we'd better get going.
It's nearly 5:30.
Booked into the Bonza View.
Not a bad little joint.
In-room jacuzzi, continental breakfast for two.
I like your jacket.
So did Terence Trent D'Arby.
Interviewed him at the Sydney InterContinental in '91.
Couldn't keep his eyes off it.
What music are you into? Ah, let me guess.
Pussycat Dolls.
I like all kinds of music.
You've been doing radio for a while, yeah? So, how did you start out? Started out in this biz like most people do.
Driving the Rockin' Vans for RoxFM.
Giving out cans of Coke and CD singles to Prize Pigs.
Is that why they call you The Pig? Hell, no! Prize Pigs are radio listeners that'll do anything for any shitty radio prize.
We once made someone's nan eat a cow pat for Motley Crue tickets! So, why DO they call you The Pig? Wow.
'The following program contains sex scenes, drug references and occasional course language.
' It's 1994.
The Cackle Factory have got a listener promo giving away front row seats at a backstage meet and greet for The Smashing Pumpkins.
Cut a long story shot, I'm in the Rockin' Van - rockin' the van - don't come knocking if the van's a-rocking? Anyway, they do.
There we are! She's legs akimbo Um .
.
I'm up to me' nuts in guts and The Pig is born! Please.
Hi, love.
I'm just finishing up.
Oh, my God, Sam.
What the bejesus have you gone and done? You said Whoa.
Your mum? I'm not into that sick shit.
Sisters maybe but not mother and daughter.
Sam! You said I could meet him after I turned 18.
Yeah, but not like this, darl.
Hey, you can meet me any time you like, sweetheart.
I mean, it is .
.
legal.
OK, tell him.
Tell me what? You're my dad.
Hello, Paul.
Fuck a duck.
Attention.
Broom, mop and bucket to room 24.
Here, Doug.
Now, this is the soup of the day.
There you go.
Which is, er .
.
is, um well, it's the soup of the day.
And it's, it's, um - Well, it's soup.
What else do you want to bloody know? Sounds delightful, Stanley.
Right.
Correction - a yellow mop and bucket to room 24 and 25.
Jesus.
This is bullshit with a capital 'Get-farked'.
You asked me on this date.
A date?! It's not a date.
I just said I wanted to meet him.
Not a date? I'm in the Bonza View, for Christ's sake.
It has got an in-room jacuzzi.
Is this about the cash? Are you extorting The Pig? Oh, for Christ's sake, get over yourself.
She's 18.
If I wanted cash, I would've asked for it years ago.
Are you sure she's mine? How can you be sure? Let's say my dance card wasn't exactly chockers back then.
Number 42, reef and beef and tuna mornay.
Number 42.
By this time, we're both as bloodied as a butcher's apron, more bruises than a rotten apple and the crowd were going absolutely apeshit.
The audiences always loved the death scenes.
The bloodier the play, the more popular.
Hamlet, Macbeth, Julius Caesar.
Joan always insisted on butter, never margarine.
She said she would only use margarine .
.
if she was making a sandwich for the Devil.
It's not treason to say the American servicemen looked smarter.
But the Aussie boys .
.
always made me laugh.
Milk outta glass bottles for me.
Simplicity, manners.
I remember wearing gloves.
Ah, I just did what I had to do and hopefully I did it without gettin' my melon pummelled.
What fascinating lives we've led.
Ah, we're just a couple of old carnies, you and I.
You OK? Oh, yeah.
I've got a daughter whose arse I was feeling up a few minutes ago.
How's your day going? My daughter set me up with a guy who knocked me up in a van.
I'm havin' an absolute blinder.
I've just been felt up by my dad and found out I was conceived at a radio contest.
I win.
Is this some kind of sick joke? Because this is not the way you break this kind of news to someone.
I told her you were her father.
But I had no part in this.
Did you consider picking up the phone in the past 18 years? You've been busy.
Busy? 'Hello, Pig, you've got a daughter.
' I think you would have had my attention.
It was all a bit of a blur.
I had a baby girl who wouldn't sleep, I was exhausted for a decade.
Was a time when I was going to call you but I read in the paper you got married and Divorced .
.
and married again.
.
.
and divorced again.
I tried to call you a few times, STD, and all.
You know, long distance, not as in herpes and AIDS.
You didn't wanna get stuck with a girl from around here.
You know what they used to call a good-looking girl from around here? A tourist.
That's awful! I wanted to handle this my way, on my terms, which was tough for a Catholic girl to do.
Well, a submarine Catholic - only surface in times of crisis - but Catholic all the same.
My parents wanted to send me off for a For a what? An abortion, dickhead.
Gran and Pop wanted you to abort me? Well, it wasn't really you back then.
Besides, your gran's mum wanted her to get rid of me.
You know, we have a history of early pregnancies and pressure to abort.
It's become a family tradition.
Jesus Christ! Who are you people? Ah, that was a feed fit for a king.
But I must get you home.
It's almost eight o'clock and the cricket will be on and I don't want you turning into a pumpkin.
Do you miss company, Doug? Ah, there's always company around here.
Sure, we gotta put up with Mona and Stan but - ah, they're not too bad.
I don't mean that.
If I want to play a hand of Gin Rummy or gossip, yes, they're people for that, good people, but I guess what I'm really referring to more so than company was .
.
companionship.
Companionship? Don't you miss intimacy? I'm bringing on the soup now.
You've already brought the soup, mate.
You've had the soup? We've had the soup.
You've had the soup.
Alright, my pleasure.
You've had the soup.
Right-io, I suppose I'd better get you home before they set the bloody hounds onto us.
Yes, of course.
I don't want you missing the cricket.
There you go, love.
Ta.
Cheers.
You're still looking good.
Let's address the elephant in the room - I'm it.
Don't say that.
Fuck, we've all changed.
I'm not as quick as I was.
Up here I'm golden, but - you know, between the wickets.
I do remember you were pretty quick.
Yeah, well, you were the one riding me like a stolen horse.
I seem to recall you going off like an unmanned garden hose.
That's because I was doing it with an older, more experienced lady.
Not that much older, but very experienced.
I've occasionally thought - I wonder if we didn't, you know, if we'd just gone out for a dinner and a movie instead, how that would have turned out for us.
Just wondering what movies were on.
Shawshank Redemption.
Morgan Freeman.
'Rehabilitation? That's a bullshit word.
Go ahead and stamp your file, son.
I don't give a shit.
' Do you hate me? Sneaky! He's in the back bar.
Pig, Pig, Pig, my mate Richo's on the phone - oink him! Oh! Do Pat Muy Kok! Pat Muy Kok! Hello! Richo! Oh, hello, Richo! Oh! There you go, mate.
Yeah.
Not as funny as he is on the radio, eh? Bit of a fat bastard too.
Hey cock head, fuck off.
Well, goodnight, Josie.
That was very nice.
I would like you to join me in my room.
And I don't mean to talk.
Struth, woman, you're gamer than the dog's cock.
You'll give anything a go! Look, I'm going to bed.
Hey.
Your soup's gone cold.
So.
How's my daughter? I got lucky, she's a gem.
She's kind, smart, funny.
I don't know whether I should tell you this, but .
.
she loves prank calls and she's got an ear for accents.
Bullshit! Mm.
No bloody fear, woman.
I'm finished with that game.
I put my cue in the rack, darlin'.
Got the wrong bloke there.
Fancy her, putting that in the equation, at our age.
Christ.
What does she bloody expect? Really, what does she expect? Women - Christ.
Look, I woulda come back quicker, but I thought I'd give the old Niagaras a bit of a scrub up.
You know-a the pokie, she's a-rigged! That's why you never win! That's why I never play the hokey pokie.
Au contraire, we love ze pokie in Gay Paris.
Oh, hello.
I don't know who you are.
My name is Mario, the motor mechanic from-a Mordialloc.
My name is Madam Croissant.
Jesus, a jackpot! I must zank you for not feeling my buttocks this time, no? Aw, darling, you've got nothing that interests me! I prefer meat and two veg! Really? Yvana Fistmi? Sorry, it'll just take me a while to adjust to to this.
Erm - By the way, we're having a BBQ at our house tomorrow to celebrate my birthday, just if you wanted to come.
That sounds great.
Cool.
But I've got to be, ah .
.
back in town, crack of dawn, you know, we got a thing.
That's fine.
Maybe another time.
Yeah.
For sure.
Nice to see you again, Paul.
Paul! That's a crack up.
What a wanker.
Yeah, I do remember the last I did the horizontal Highland dance and I have rather fond memories of it.
But what if I put my shirt on and get out stakes and me horse doesn't get up.
I'm sorry, I don't quite understand.
What I'm saying - what if the old fella gets stage fright? That wouldn't surprise me, it's been tucked away that long.
You wouldn't know fondle it or iron it.
Well, I'll put the Fabulon on standby, Doug.
Yeah, but suppose I can't crack it for a Ballarat.
I'd be lucky to get past mast these days, do you know what I'm trying to say, Josephine? I like it that we're nervous, Doug.
I like it that we're scared.
Testes, testes, one, two, three.
We do listen to you, every morning.
I thought it was important you know that.
Hey, ah - I've still got the hotel.
It's got a jacuzzi.
Continental breakfast for two.
You don't want that.
Hey, don't be hard on yourself.
I'm a bloke, you know what we're like.
I have a boyfriend.
And he's fucking massive.
Sounds like a nice fella.
You .
.
didn't answer my question before.
What's that? Do you hate me? It's a pity you're not coming tomorrow.
Why's that? We're cooking pig on a spit! Wow, they're beautiful balloons.
Are they for me? No! No, she bought them especially for Nanna, didn't you? You can run off if you like and go see Nanna now.
Has she been up and about this morning? No, I haven't seen her this morning, she must be having a lie in.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
Girls! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Let's go, sweethearts.
Oh, girls, there's a kids a farm, thing, ponies and stuff.
Oh, great, fun, ponies.
Fast and easy.
Balloons have done well to stay up this long.
I think we're in trouble.
They've got no right to be bloody angry.
How do they reckon they got here in the first place? We're like a couple of teenagers.
I hope I performed a bit better than that, darlin'.
Doug! Ah, we did alright, girl, didn't we? Not a bad one to retire on.
Who said anything about retiring? I shall see you at lunch, Ophelia.
My Lord .
.
he hath importuned me with love, in an honourable fashion.
Ah, to be or not to be.
That was that Shakespeare joker, wasn't it? See ya, love.
Kids.
Surprise, surprise, Uncle Ian is tipsy already.
Is he still wearing his false leg? Yeah.
He'll be right.
# For she's a jolly good lassie! And so say all of us And so say all of us.
Hi, Sam.
Boy, you are fit.
Thank you.
Come in.
Just through there.
I admit that my profile pic may have been a little misleading.
A little misleading? You promised me Antonio Banderas.
What do I get? Fucking Santa.
It's up to our generation to change things and end poverty.
Poverty's a biggie.
I am full of fiery Latino blood.
You're full of shit, now fuck off.
Is it because I'm older? You've gotta be kidding me.
Oh, dear, do you have to register that?