It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s01e07 Episode Script

- On the side.
- You didn't do that on purpose.
- Otherwise that would have been a great shot.
- Watch this.
Side pocket.
- Holy shit! - What? "Christopher Murray, a teacher at St.
Vincent's Elementary has been accused of sexually abusing two former students.
" - St.
Vincent's? That's that school you went to, right, Mac? - Yeah, me and Charlie.
What else does it say? "Murray has been the physical education teacher and boys' basketball coach for 25 years.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Ah.
"The accusers are two brothers whose names are being withheld "but the investigation will focus on the mid-1980s "as the time period for alleged abuse.
The police are hoping more young men will come forward.
" - Wow.
That's horrible.
- Did this guy teach you guys? - Yeah.
- No.
Yes, he did.
We were in the same class.
No.
Yeah.
Well, no, I didn't like it though.
- What the hell are you talking about? - I didn't like that class.
- What? - I gotta go! Holy shit.
Charlie got molested.
When dealing with molestation, the first step is always understanding.
So we need to take a moment and assess the situation.
Write this down.
What? No, look.
First of all, we can't sit around and let him wallow in it.
And second of all, the first step is acknowledgment.
So I better write that down.
- No.
No, no.
- Whoa! What, guys What the hell are you guys talking about? Sweet Dee and I took psychology at Penn, so let the grown-ups talk.
- Okay? Thank you.
- Okay? Listen.
I think we need to have an intervention.
You know, bring his friends and family together for support.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Let's tell everybody Charlie knows that he got blown by a gym teacher.
Then we'll throw him a little surprise party, celebrate the occasion.
Okay, you know what? You being a smartass not helping Charlie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything about getting blown? The article didn't specify what type of abuse it was.
It could have been anything.
Yeah, but do you think he got blown? - I don't know.
- Yeah, you know? Probably got blown.
Which is why I think you need to reconsider my idea.
Okay.
You know what? Stop.
I'm sorry.
We need to clarify something here.
Do you think that Murray blew these guys? Why are you so obsessed with the blowing aspect of all this? Because I knew these two brothers that the article was talking about.
The McPoyle twins Ryan and Liam.
Okay? They were the type of kids that would blow snot bubbles and rub 'em over each other.
They were gross, and they smelled like a couple of unwiped assholes.
So what? Well, if Murray is, like, fondling or touching them, whatever I get it, all right? But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on.
- I just don't understand.
- What do you not get? - What are you talking about? - You're not getting this? I was in that class with them, all right? I was with those guys! - Um, are you okay, dude? - No, dude.
I'm not okay.
How come you're getting so upset? The police are asking for more young men to come forward.
That means there are more guys out there who've been blown.
- What are you looking for? - Photographs.
I have photographs.
- Oh, my God.
You have photographs of it? - Oh! Okay.
Listen, are you trying to say that you got molested? Okay, look at this.
Look at this guy, huh? I was cute.
I was energetic.
I was fun.
I mean, what exactly was this prick looking for? - What are you - Sorry? If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown then why didn't I get blown? - You're goin' to hell, dude.
- Seriously.
Yo! McPoyle! Hey, open up! Hey, Charlie.
Long time no see.
- What do you want? - Is your brother here, man? I gotta talk to you guys.
- Yeah? - Yeah! - Can I come in? - Yeah.
Come on, man.
I need to talk to you guys.
Go.
Move.
Go.
Go.
Come on.
- I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go.
- Just come in.
- No, you go first, and I will follow you.
- Shut the door.
I will shut the door.
- Whoa.
That was really weird.
- Yeah.
Well, this confirms it.
He definitely got molested.
Ugh.
We gotta get in there.
- Get We gotta get in there? - Yes.
You can't just thrust yourself in the position of caregiver like that.
"Caregiver"? Why are you throwing around big words? - I actually majored in psych, so - You failed all your classes.
- So? - I had a minor, and I passed all mine.
Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major is bigger than a whole minor.
- I don't even know how to respond to that.
- That doesn't surprise me.
Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really dumb, you know.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah, it is.
- That was good.
I liked that one.
- I felt good about it.
- So did you want a beverage of some kind? - No! Where's your brother? We just stepped out of the shower.
He'll be down in a minute.
Listen, you guys can't go - Did you just say "we"? - What? Did you just say, "We just stepped out of the shower"? I said "he.
" Right.
Okay.
Listen.
I heard about the Coach Murray thing.
You guys cannot go to the police and say that he molested you.
- Why not? - Because he didn't molest you! That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.
- This is our chance for revenge.
You want in? - No! I think you do.
- Hello, Charlie.
- Hello, Ryan.
I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news recently but there are millions to be made here, my friend.
Oh, sure, there's the classic route of priest molestation but we thought we'd mix it up a bit.
We're going after the whole damn school board.
If you want in on the team, we could probably get a nice class-action suit going.
Okay.
Okay, first of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested.
And you guys are gonna exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing your place in hell.
- We thought about it.
We're willing to roll the dice.
- I won't let you do it.
- I'm gonna call the cops.
- Oh, no, you won't, Charlie.
- Oh, yes, I will.
- Oh, my friend, I'm afraid not.
- And why not? - We'll tell the cops the whole thing was your idea.
We should tell the cops that that fat dickhead gym teacher we had in junior high molested us and just sue the shit out of him! - L I was joking.
- Really? I'm not joking though.
I'm not joking.
I'm really not.
I wouldn't even joke about something like that.
We should do it.
I wanna do it.
Shit.
We'd hate to have to put this whole thing on your shoulders.
- Shit.
- So you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut.
You don't have to join us, but if anyone asks you point-blank Your ass got molested.
Otherwise, we're talking conspiracy charges.
And prison can be a bad place for someone like you, Charlie.
A very bad place.
Soon as Charlie comes out, we gotta grab him, take him back to the bar get him liquored up and tell him, "We know you got molested.
" Gonna have to disagree with you, Sis.
I think we need to ease him into it.
There he is.
Okay, you know what? Dr.
Gainer used to say that in situations like this Dr.
Gainer? That guy was an idiot.
- He was not.
- Yes, he was.
- Talk about molesters.
That guy - He didn't molest me.
- I had sex with him 'cause I wanted to.
- You had sex with Dr.
Gainer? - Of course I did.
- No, you had Oh! - He was a hot older man.
- Gross! Okay.
You know what? You have no room to talk.
All the girls you've molested.
Whoa, whoa.
Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay? - This is serious.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Great.
Molester.
- Hey, Coach Murray! - Yeah? It's me Mac! I don't know what this shit is all about.
One day the cops just roll into my classroom and they haul me out of there.
And they did it right in front of my kids too.
- Yeah.
Totally.
- Molestation? I mean, please! I got so much ass back in those days.
What the hell did I need that kind of shit for? God, man, I hear you.
So much ass, it was like Whew.
Oh, and you know what, to tell you the truth? I don't even remember who these assholes are that are accusing me.
- Nothing special there, right? - I guess.
Nothing special.
You know, Coach, I've been working out a lot since grammar school.
- Good for you, son.
- Yeah, it's good for you, right? You know when you get real tight, like, right up in here in this area here? - You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Not here.
Like right in here.
What are you doing? What do you want me to do? All right.
L Okay.
- Oh! - That's a good shot, bud.
Hey, tell me something, man.
What's been going on with you lately? - You just seem - You know, um, I'm just distracted.
Is that why you ran out of the bar the other day? No.
No.
I was I had some stuff I needed to do.
- It just popped in my head.
- Yeah, well, that's understandable.
- We've all got things that we have to do.
- Yeah.
What you running from, Charlie? What? - Dee, could you grab me a beer? - Grab one yourself.
- I'm right in the middle of a game.
- Your game isn't working.
- Let me play now.
- Let me play the game the way I want to play it.
- Your way is dumb, and it's not working.
- Then we'll play your game.
It's not gonna get the results we want.
You're playing a game for children, and it's not working.
Charlie's not a baby.
Charlie! Great.
Nice.
Good job, Dennis.
Great.
How are you gonna put this on me? You messed it up! - You messed it up! - We have to push him! Push him? You're pushing him away.
Now he knows something's up.
- Good.
- Good? Guys, I have good news! I've been reading up on the subject of pedophilia.
It turns out that it isn't about sex after all.
It's about power.
So, the assailant doesn't go after the one he finds most attractive this guy.
He goes after the weakest he can find.
Wow.
That is good news.
- Jesus, Mac.
What is wrong with you? - No.
You're not following.
If Murray was looking for the weakest he could find, it wouldn't have been Charlie.
- Why not? - Because Charlie was a bit of a psychopath.
When he got excited, his face would turn purple and he'd start biting things.
I don't think Murray would've put his dick anywhere near him.
- What about the McPoyle brothers? - They were prime real estate.
- I'm sure he went to town on them.
- What's your point? Charlie didn't get molested.
What? - Good.
I'm sure he didn't.
- Oh, boy.
- I'm sure he didn't.
- Yeah.
Leave this to the two people that are qualified to deal with the situation.
It is cute that you did some research and got four books though.
- Nice work.
- Yeah, goodjob.
You know what? We tried it your little tippy-toe pussy way.
That failed miserably.
So now why don't we try something that will work? Look, I just want to say that I think this is a terrible approach.
You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it.
I keep saying it because it is.
I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time.
- I'm sorry that you're sorry all the time.
- What? - That doesn't make any sense.
- I don't care.
- Well, hello, Dennis! - Hi, Mrs.
Kelly.
Don't you look so handsome! - And, Dee, so beautiful.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Kelly.
I'm sorry we had to stop by like this, but we really need to talk to you about something.
- What? - It's about Charlie.
Oh, I can't believe this! I just can't believe it! Though I have to admit, it does explain a lot about him.
Yes, we were thinking the same thing.
Yes.
Oh.
Be strong, Bonnie.
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.
Now is not the time for an episode.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine! So, what do you need from me? Hello? Ma? In here, Charlie! Hey, I got your message.
You sounded kinda funny.
- Come on back, honey.
- Is everything all right? Hello, Charlie.
Mom? Grandma? UncleJack? What's What's everybody doing here? Well, we've all gathered here at the request of your friends.
- Hey, bud.
- Hi, Charlie.
Hello, Charles.
L I don't exactly know how one of these things are supposed to go.
But we understand that there's been some abuse.
These two boys have been strong enough to admit what happened and we thank you for that.
Just hope that that man goes away for a long, long time.
Prison can be a bad place for a guy like that.
Very bad place.
Now, we're not exactly sure how this thing is supposed to go.
But your friends have been helping us out on a couple of key points.
Now? Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll.
Show you what? - Where he touched you.
- Oh, yeah.
Shall I turn it over? Yeah, turn her over.
Do it.
Slow.
Slow.
- I think that went well.
- You did a wonderful job, Charlie.
- I really think they bought it.
- Oh, yeah.
Definitely.
I gotta say, my favorite part was at the end there when we were all hugging and my sister screamed and told everyone that I touched her vagina.
Yeah! So, Charlie where to? Oh, well, I was thinking we should, uh, zip down to the police station file an official report.
- I gotta do it sometime, right? - That's the spirit.
Let's get it on the books.
Excuse me.
I'd like to, uh, speak to a detective, please.
- Name? - Charlie Kelly.
And what is this in reference to? Sodomy.
Okay.
Uh, take a seat.
Someone will be right with you.
You're doing the right thing, Charlie.
The American school system's been oppressing people for years.
It's about time we start doing a little oppressing ourselves.
- That doesn't make sense.
- Yes, it does.
How are we oppressing anything? You need to think before you speak.
- You do.
- Charlie Kelly? Oh.
That's me.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Have a good time.
Twenty-five million is a lot of clams.
- Split it 50-50.
- Charlie's gonna want something.
How 'bout Charlie? Yeah.
He'll want some.
He's not gonna get some.
We could always split it 50-50-50.
You even hear what you're saying? Your gums are bleeding.
- How'd it go? - Great.
I just ratted you out.
Can I see you two boys for a minute, please? - So you're not gonna get in any trouble at all? - Uh, no.
No, not really.
And since the McPoyles are gonna plead guilty, I'm off the hook completely.
- That's great.
- Sorry.
Was he saying that the intervention worked? - No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
- What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed.
Turns out three-quarters of a major not so bad after all.
And the best part of it, actually, for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested.
So, in a way, my life is ruined.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry and cry and cry and drink for a while.
Emotional release.
- Another giant step forward.
- My God, we're good.
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, so I just want to apologize again for the other day.
- It's all right, Mac.
Don't worry about it.
- Awkward, right? You know what? You were a good student at school.
You got potential.
- Just put that in your pocket.
- Really? You mean that? - I mean that.
- Great, Coach.
That's all I really needed to hear.
- Good.
- That is so great for me.
- Hey, say hi to those folks for me.
- I will.
Thanks.
All right.
That little prick's goin' to hell.