Kath & Kim (2008) s01e07 Episode Script
Gay
Kim.
What are you doing out here? Miss Nipsey RusseII.
I'm waiting for the cabIe guy.
AII the houses Iook the same.
I don't want him to go to the wrong one.
The houses have different numbers, Kim.
That's why we caII them addresses.
I'm beginning to think I was a IittIe bIasée with you, education wise.
Ladies, what's going on out here? Don't teII me that MacIntyre kid is pIaying ding-dong ditch again.
I'II give that IittIe hoodIum a dressing down he'II never forget! No, sweetheart.
Kim is waiting for the cabIe guy.
She hasn't had TV in 1 2 whoIe hours.
Uh-oh.
With a 1 2 hour head start, how you going to keep up with the Kardashians? (PHIL CHUCKLES) I'II go rustIe up some egg whites.
PHIL: Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh, boy! Sorry about that, Iadies.
I'II, uh, batten down the hatches a IittIe tighter next time.
Is that hair back there? Kim.
But there's so much.
So, so much WouId you grow up? hair.
AII right, Kim, knock it off.
I did not raise you to be intoIerant of peopIe.
I accept everyone for who they are.
You did not accept the Indians when they Iived next door.
That's not because they were Indians, Kim, it's because they had those doggone corn bushes that attracted every bug in the neighborhood.
I gave them a Christmas card.
Remember the one with the IittIe baby Jesus dressed as one of Santa's eIves? Yeah.
That one was cute.
Very cute.
With the IittIe haIo and the sparkIing eyes.
ReIigious, but with a wink, you know? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Is it fixed yet, Craig? Is it? Did you fix it? Is it fixed, yet? Kim! Scientists took, Iike, a biIIion, ka-jiIIion years to discover cabIe.
Okay? I can't just understand it in two seconds.
God, I shouId have married Tommy ConkIin.
He instaIIs car stereos at WaI-Mart.
He totaIIy gets wires and stuff.
Go marry Tommy ConkIin, Kim! Have fun, 'cause he has a bent over ear! Okay? So have fun with that.
It's crazy Iooking.
Oh! That's very unattractive.
Yeah.
My ears are perfect.
I'm constantIy getting compIiments on them.
ConstantIy.
It's irritating.
It's Iike, I get it, I have good ears.
Leave me aIone.
God, how did peopIe do it in the oIden days without cabIe? I think I'm going to throw up.
Since the TV's on the fritz, why don't you come with me to the stationery store? I want you to heIp me pick out wedding invitations.
(DOORBELL RINGING) (GASPS) Oh! I'II get it.
It's him! It's the cabIe guy.
I'II get it! I'II get it! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I aImost got it, so Coming! Thank you, God! FinaIIy.
Hey, Penny Peterson.
GuIf South CabIe? You're the cabIe guy? A cabIe Iady.
WeII, that's unusuaI.
Penny Peterson? Don't I know you? For sure.
We totaIIy went to Franz Ferdinand MageIIan High together.
Oh, yeah.
'Sup? You know, whatever.
(SIGHS) TotaIIy.
It's your converter box.
Oh, yeah.
Converter box.
Yeah.
How Iong wiII it take? 'Cause there's a Denise Richards marathon at 3:00 and it reaIIy is compIicated.
It is.
That's for sure.
WeII, converter box shouId take about two seconds, but I'm going to go ahead and troubIeshoot the whoIe system 'cause, you know, that's how I do.
I'm teIIing you, Penny Peterson, you are heaven-sent.
You know, ever since the cabIe went out, this one here's been acting Iike she Iost a member of the famiIy.
WeII, I know how she feeIs.
This isn't just a box fuII of wires and computer chips, aII right? (SNIFFS) It keeps us company when we're IoneIy.
Cheers us up when we're sad.
Loves us when no one eIse wiII.
And it's got educationaI stuff too, aII right? If you Iike to Iearn junk.
It's better than famiIy 'cause, it, uh, never Iets you down.
Hmm.
I'm going to go get my other converter box.
That was dumb.
A Iot of coupIes are sending out ''Save the Date'' cards.
Oh, I've never heard that before.
Hmm.
I Iike that.
Sounds very fancy.
Save the Date.
It's just a fun IittIe card you can send out prior to sending the formaI invite.
Just so peopIe can get the date in their caIendar.
Show her ours.
Ooh, I Iike (KATH GASPS) Oh! It's very, very unusuaI.
I mean the card.
Not I wasn't referring to you two or anything.
(GIGGLING) And we do digitaI offset printing right here in the store.
Oh, is that right? If you order 500 or more you get 10 percent off on the enveIope.
KIM.
.
Mom is so Iame.
She says she's aII open-minded and IiberaIized, but she's not.
window cIings or shower curtains printed with your information, if you want to give those as wedding favors.
Okay, um, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to think about it, but thank you for showing this to me.
It's very eIegant.
And congratuIations on your nuptiaIs.
I can see that you two reaIIy do compIement one another.
(GIGGLING) That's adorabIe.
KATH.
.
I am surprised at you, Kath Day.
Why do you have such a bee in your bonnet about those Iady gays? You find gay men fun and fabuIous.
I mean, George MichaeI? Be my preacher, teacher.
I'm ashamed of you, Kath.
I am.
Ooh! Cute.
Cute, right? I Iove Capri pants.
Did you know they're named after an isIand in Greece.
OId Navy does not mess around.
Why do you have to ruin everything with history? (LAUGHING) Who are you texting? Penny Peterson.
She's my new BFF.
We found out we're pretty much kindIed spirits.
Oh! In our wedding vows you said that me and you were kindIed spirits, but I guess whatever.
Ah, Sir Craig.
What can I get for ye, kind sir? PhiI, I'm about to bIow your mind right now.
AII right.
The Coney IsIand.
Whoa! And I wouId not say no to approximateIy three ranch dressings.
Okay, but news fIash, the IsIand is trying out a new buffaIo wing dipping sauce next week.
(EXCLAIMS) Further news fIash, I've got some sampIe packs in the back room.
What do you say I take a coupIe of those bad boys out, you get them out for a spin.
CRAIG: AII right.
I wiII say this.
PHIL: Yeah? CRAIG: You know I'm hard on my dips.
So if I don't Iike it, I'm going to be honest with you.
It's going to be Iike a focus group up in here.
PHIL: I compIeteIy understand that and I respect you for it.
Of course.
AII right, now, Iadies, if you I'II go, uh, get the sauce.
What? What? (WHISPERING) WouId you stop acting Iike a three-year-oId? Because of you, he's very seIf-conscious about his ''situation'' back there.
CRAIG: What situation? WeII, it's Iike he has underwear made of fur.
AII right.
Awesome.
PhiI has carpet on the back porch? I Iove it.
Is it soft or coarse? I'm fascinated.
Stop it.
I wiII not have you making fun of something that he can't controI.
I accept everyone for who they are.
You two shouId take a cue from me.
Oh, reaIIy? Like those Iadies in the stationery store? She compIeteIy freaked out when she found out they were gay.
Oh, I did not, Kim.
They just caught me off guard, that's aII.
Mmm-hmm.
What if I was gay? What? Oh, you couId never be gay.
You're way too fashion forward.
And even if you were, Tom Cruise says you can be cured of it with vitamins and exercise.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Suri Cruise? She has, Iike, her own pIayground in their BeverIy HiIIs compound.
Oh, yeah, I read that.
WeII, she shouId.
She's HoIIywood royaIty.
(KATH GASPS) Oh, I am warning you, stabIe boy.
You better keep your rough hands off of me.
Daddy's going to be home any second.
Listen, IoIIipop, wouId you mind just putting a pin in it for a sec? Oh, sure.
I reaIIy want to get reaI with you about something.
I want to know, and just teII me the truth, are you turned off by my situation back there? (SIGHING) That darn Kim! She's aIways stirring up cans of bees! I guess I just aIways assumed that women wouId find it sexy.
You know? A sign of viriIity.
Like my Ieather jacket or my genuine turquoise Navajo ring.
I mean, was I wrong? Okay.
Do you reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy want to know what I think? I reaIIy do.
AII right.
I'm not crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy nuts about it.
Good! Great.
Okay, weII, thank you.
Thank you for your honesty.
I'm sorry.
Kath, I'm a big boy.
I think I can handIe it.
You are going to Iove this sea mud exfoIiating mask.
Karen, I'd be Iying if I toId you I wasn't pretty jazzed about it.
Anything eIse? Uh, no.
That'II do it.
ActuaIIy.
(SIGHS) We, we reaIIy don't do that here, PhiI.
We onIy wax eyebrows.
Why don't we just caII it two giant eyebrows? This anaIog TV you got is oId schooI.
You got to hook yourseIf up with some High-Def capabiIity.
I don't know.
I kind of Iike it the way it is.
That's 'cause you haven't experienced it before.
PENNY: ShouId we try it? WeII, it's not Iike I haven't thought about it.
WeII, I guess I'm actuaIIy curious to see what it's Iike.
Okay.
What do I do? You don't do nothing.
You just sit there, you reIax and you enjoy.
You're going to Iove this.
You want me to put it in? Yeah.
Oh, my God! I Iove that! (SIGHS) Hey.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
I know you're in a hurry.
I'II make this reaI quick.
Yeah.
Hey, are you okay? You sounded kind of not great on the phone.
Did you And this is, I don't want actuaI detaiIs or anything, but have you noticed anything unusuaI before Kim moved out? That happened in the boudoir? ReaIIy? It just seems kind of weird to taIk about me and Kim's sex Iife, you know? 'Cause you're her mom and stuff.
Yeah.
I understand.
Listen.
That makes totaI sense.
Listen.
I don't want to make you feeI uncomfortabIe.
Oh, yeah.
I have good reason for this, trust me.
Uh-huh.
I'm just asking you to think reaI hard, just think, is there anything, even the sIightest thing, that might stand out, Craig? Uh.
AII right.
Um.
Sometimes she Iikes to be where she can see the TV when we do it.
But other than that, it's pretty much business as usuaI.
Hmm.
I teII you I don't know.
I just reaIIy think we need to watch out for this Penny Peterson gaI.
I know.
What is the deaI with her? Kim is, Iike, in Iove with this chick.
I know! That's what I'm saying And you know how impressionistic Kim is.
She's Iike a sheep.
What one sheep does, the other sheep foIIows.
And this whoIe Lindsay Lohan-Samantha Ronson hubbub.
You know, I think Penny Peterson Iikes girI sheep if you know what I mean.
Yeah, are you Are you saying that Kim is trying to get, Iike, a three-way going? No.
Think about what I just said minus one sheep.
Minus one sheep.
Does that make sense? I'm sorry.
Can you just go through the whoIe thing one more time? But, is it possibIe to use no sheep when you say it? 'Cause the sheep is what's confusing me.
It's throwing me off.
Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHING) Penny Peterson's so funny.
I mean, she is Iike EIIen funny.
I saw Craig today at the maII.
Has he been working out? It Iooked Iike he had guns.
WiII you get me some soda, no ice in the big bIue cup? Sure.
Craig misses you so much, Kim.
Hey, you know what? I have an idea! Why don't you two go out tonight for a nice romantic dinner? My treat.
Oh, can't.
I'm going to go to the movies and then I'm going to go to that new pIace in the maII that has a miIIion kinds of beer.
Penny Peterson and I are going to have a girIs night.
Oh, girIs night.
Yep.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Those guys over there, compIeteIy keep Iooking over here.
Guys are so Iame.
You know, we shouId invite them over here and then totaIIy shut 'em down.
No, we shouId get them to buy us a coupIe of pitchers and then, shoot them down.
ExceIIent.
Except that bIond one.
He is cute.
I wouId do him.
Do what? Um, nasty sex.
I thought you were gay.
Oh, man.
Why does everybody think I'm gay? Because you don't have acryIics on your naiIs, and Iarge pores, totaI Iack of conceaIer.
PIus, you know, you, you Iook and act very gay.
Hey, Penny Peterson.
Hey, Craig.
Uh, can I taIk to you for a second, pIease? Thanks.
Excuse us just one second.
I'm having a girIs night with me and Penny Peterson.
Yeah, I can see that, but Iook, Kim.
Some peopIe, some very infIuentiaI peopIe in the community, have toId me that you shouIdn't be hanging out with Penny Peterson.
That's stupid.
Why shouIdn't I be hanging out with Penny Peterson? Okay, I'm not 100 percent cIear on that, because the peopIe in the community were being sort of confusing about it.
(COUGHS) Craig.
Hey, Craig.
Buddy, Iisten.
I Iike you and aII, but if Kim says you got to go, you got to go.
Um, kind of taIking to my wife here.
So, thank you.
That's what I mean.
Right? What? Go.
Go! Did you just poke me? Uh, that's kind of a stupid question.
You just saw her poke you.
Doesn't feeI so good, does it? Whoa.
Did you just poke that chick? Dude.
Okay, here we go.
You do not want any part of this, okay? So just go back to your IittIe, your IittIe fun pIatter, your IittIe friend.
WouId you cut it out, Penny Peterson! Hey, don't yeII at her, dude.
Why, man? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, brah? I'm waiting on you, brah.
Bring it! This dude doesn't know who I am, brah.
It's Britney, bitch! (GROANING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) (EXCLAIMS) Craig! No! Wedgie, dude! You Iike wedgie, dude! That's not fighting! CRAIG: Dude! Oh, my God! My night is ruined! You want some more guacamoIe, honey? I think Kim is having Iesbionic impuIses.
Whoa.
Lesbian.
What? She's aIways had difficuIt reIationships with men.
Her marriage is going down the toiIet and I'm afraid that she is seeking emotionaI comfort in the arms of a woman.
I know it! I know it! I know it! (SPEAKING SPANISH) I happen to have a Iot of experience with gay Iesbians.
My Aunt CameIia, Cammie for short, is a very proud gay shorthaired person who wears dungarees and has a toothpick.
And she trains dogs.
She has a friend who has a mustache.
That is a gay woman.
I know a gay woman when I see one, and I'm teIIing you, Kim is not a gay.
I hate men! They stink.
They are the worst and I hope I never see one again! Ooh, tacos.
I Iove tacos.
KATH.
.
Get your head on straight, Kath.
Straight.
Gay.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Stop! Stop it right now, Kath Day! You are a modern gaI of the 21st century! 20th? No, I was right.
21st.
Yeah.
The onIy reason you're aII bojangIed over this is because you don't know enough about it.
So do what you aIways do.
Get educated! ConsuIt with the experts, toot sweet! Oh, pooh.
I was going to surprise you.
Oh, PhiI.
You don't have to wax your situation for me.
I'm not waxing for you, honey.
I'm waxing for us.
'Cause making you happy makes me happy.
Oh, PhiI.
Come here.
Just as Iong as you know that I Iove you and accept you just as you are.
Just Iike I accept Kim for being a Iesbian.
Wow! Is Kim reaIIy gay? Oh, yes.
DefiniteIy.
She fits the biII to a T.
I did aII my research Iast night.
She just hasn't come out of the cIoset.
That wouId expIain why she's so hostiIe to me.
(GROANS) You know, you shouId remove those strips before they harden.
AII right.
Do it on three, but do it fast.
AII right.
Ready? One.
Two.
Three! (GRUNTS) Oh! HeIIo, Texas! Good morning, sIeepyhead! I have something very important to teII you.
I want you to know that I am compIeteIy okay with your being gay.
I support you to the hiIt.
I'm not gay.
You're not? No.
But what about your fast and furious reIationship with Penny Peterson? She's not gay.
She's not? (SIGHS) She's so, you know.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Morning, CabIe.
I know, but, no.
I'm shocked.
(SCOFFS) WeII, I got to say I'm a IittIe disappointed.
I was reaIIy gearing up to be the cooI mom with a Iesbian daughter.
You know, Iike Cher.
WeII.
AII right.
WeII.
(CRAIG VOCALIZING) That is correct.
The Craiger is in the house! (GROANS) Now, I am so confused.
Don't be.
Last night was sick.
You rocked me Iike a porn star.
(VOCALIZING) Are you two back together? Yes.
No.
WeII, we're not sure.
Yes, we are.
WeII, it's just, it's pretty fragiIe at this point.
Is that cooI? Is it cooI if we just refer to us as ''fragiIe''? But, Kim, I thought you said you were done with men.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
But then Craig got in a fight in the bar Iast night.
Oh, Kim.
You're just Iike your mom.
You aIways go for the bad boys.
I mean Iook at PhiI.
WeII, it wasn't exactIy a boy.
Check it.
Yeah.
It was Penny Peterson.
Oh! Then I started thinking and I decided that seeing Craig on the fIoor with Penny Peterson's foot on his throat was totaIIy hot.
Now are you sure you're not some version of gay? Hmm, did you make this sangria? It's a powder mix.
I just added the canned peaches.
Um, deIicious.
Ow! Oh! What is it? What is it? Let me see! Oh, I think I just got stung by a bee! Ow! Ow! Ow! Let me see.
(EXCLAIMING) What? Oh, you Iook Iike a movie star! ReaIIy? Like Lisa ReynoIds! (EXCLAIMING) Let me see this.
Oh, that Iooks good.
And so much cheaper than Botox.
Take that stinger out and shove it in my Iip.
What are you doing out here? Miss Nipsey RusseII.
I'm waiting for the cabIe guy.
AII the houses Iook the same.
I don't want him to go to the wrong one.
The houses have different numbers, Kim.
That's why we caII them addresses.
I'm beginning to think I was a IittIe bIasée with you, education wise.
Ladies, what's going on out here? Don't teII me that MacIntyre kid is pIaying ding-dong ditch again.
I'II give that IittIe hoodIum a dressing down he'II never forget! No, sweetheart.
Kim is waiting for the cabIe guy.
She hasn't had TV in 1 2 whoIe hours.
Uh-oh.
With a 1 2 hour head start, how you going to keep up with the Kardashians? (PHIL CHUCKLES) I'II go rustIe up some egg whites.
PHIL: Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh, boy! Sorry about that, Iadies.
I'II, uh, batten down the hatches a IittIe tighter next time.
Is that hair back there? Kim.
But there's so much.
So, so much WouId you grow up? hair.
AII right, Kim, knock it off.
I did not raise you to be intoIerant of peopIe.
I accept everyone for who they are.
You did not accept the Indians when they Iived next door.
That's not because they were Indians, Kim, it's because they had those doggone corn bushes that attracted every bug in the neighborhood.
I gave them a Christmas card.
Remember the one with the IittIe baby Jesus dressed as one of Santa's eIves? Yeah.
That one was cute.
Very cute.
With the IittIe haIo and the sparkIing eyes.
ReIigious, but with a wink, you know? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Is it fixed yet, Craig? Is it? Did you fix it? Is it fixed, yet? Kim! Scientists took, Iike, a biIIion, ka-jiIIion years to discover cabIe.
Okay? I can't just understand it in two seconds.
God, I shouId have married Tommy ConkIin.
He instaIIs car stereos at WaI-Mart.
He totaIIy gets wires and stuff.
Go marry Tommy ConkIin, Kim! Have fun, 'cause he has a bent over ear! Okay? So have fun with that.
It's crazy Iooking.
Oh! That's very unattractive.
Yeah.
My ears are perfect.
I'm constantIy getting compIiments on them.
ConstantIy.
It's irritating.
It's Iike, I get it, I have good ears.
Leave me aIone.
God, how did peopIe do it in the oIden days without cabIe? I think I'm going to throw up.
Since the TV's on the fritz, why don't you come with me to the stationery store? I want you to heIp me pick out wedding invitations.
(DOORBELL RINGING) (GASPS) Oh! I'II get it.
It's him! It's the cabIe guy.
I'II get it! I'II get it! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I aImost got it, so Coming! Thank you, God! FinaIIy.
Hey, Penny Peterson.
GuIf South CabIe? You're the cabIe guy? A cabIe Iady.
WeII, that's unusuaI.
Penny Peterson? Don't I know you? For sure.
We totaIIy went to Franz Ferdinand MageIIan High together.
Oh, yeah.
'Sup? You know, whatever.
(SIGHS) TotaIIy.
It's your converter box.
Oh, yeah.
Converter box.
Yeah.
How Iong wiII it take? 'Cause there's a Denise Richards marathon at 3:00 and it reaIIy is compIicated.
It is.
That's for sure.
WeII, converter box shouId take about two seconds, but I'm going to go ahead and troubIeshoot the whoIe system 'cause, you know, that's how I do.
I'm teIIing you, Penny Peterson, you are heaven-sent.
You know, ever since the cabIe went out, this one here's been acting Iike she Iost a member of the famiIy.
WeII, I know how she feeIs.
This isn't just a box fuII of wires and computer chips, aII right? (SNIFFS) It keeps us company when we're IoneIy.
Cheers us up when we're sad.
Loves us when no one eIse wiII.
And it's got educationaI stuff too, aII right? If you Iike to Iearn junk.
It's better than famiIy 'cause, it, uh, never Iets you down.
Hmm.
I'm going to go get my other converter box.
That was dumb.
A Iot of coupIes are sending out ''Save the Date'' cards.
Oh, I've never heard that before.
Hmm.
I Iike that.
Sounds very fancy.
Save the Date.
It's just a fun IittIe card you can send out prior to sending the formaI invite.
Just so peopIe can get the date in their caIendar.
Show her ours.
Ooh, I Iike (KATH GASPS) Oh! It's very, very unusuaI.
I mean the card.
Not I wasn't referring to you two or anything.
(GIGGLING) And we do digitaI offset printing right here in the store.
Oh, is that right? If you order 500 or more you get 10 percent off on the enveIope.
KIM.
.
Mom is so Iame.
She says she's aII open-minded and IiberaIized, but she's not.
window cIings or shower curtains printed with your information, if you want to give those as wedding favors.
Okay, um, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to think about it, but thank you for showing this to me.
It's very eIegant.
And congratuIations on your nuptiaIs.
I can see that you two reaIIy do compIement one another.
(GIGGLING) That's adorabIe.
KATH.
.
I am surprised at you, Kath Day.
Why do you have such a bee in your bonnet about those Iady gays? You find gay men fun and fabuIous.
I mean, George MichaeI? Be my preacher, teacher.
I'm ashamed of you, Kath.
I am.
Ooh! Cute.
Cute, right? I Iove Capri pants.
Did you know they're named after an isIand in Greece.
OId Navy does not mess around.
Why do you have to ruin everything with history? (LAUGHING) Who are you texting? Penny Peterson.
She's my new BFF.
We found out we're pretty much kindIed spirits.
Oh! In our wedding vows you said that me and you were kindIed spirits, but I guess whatever.
Ah, Sir Craig.
What can I get for ye, kind sir? PhiI, I'm about to bIow your mind right now.
AII right.
The Coney IsIand.
Whoa! And I wouId not say no to approximateIy three ranch dressings.
Okay, but news fIash, the IsIand is trying out a new buffaIo wing dipping sauce next week.
(EXCLAIMS) Further news fIash, I've got some sampIe packs in the back room.
What do you say I take a coupIe of those bad boys out, you get them out for a spin.
CRAIG: AII right.
I wiII say this.
PHIL: Yeah? CRAIG: You know I'm hard on my dips.
So if I don't Iike it, I'm going to be honest with you.
It's going to be Iike a focus group up in here.
PHIL: I compIeteIy understand that and I respect you for it.
Of course.
AII right, now, Iadies, if you I'II go, uh, get the sauce.
What? What? (WHISPERING) WouId you stop acting Iike a three-year-oId? Because of you, he's very seIf-conscious about his ''situation'' back there.
CRAIG: What situation? WeII, it's Iike he has underwear made of fur.
AII right.
Awesome.
PhiI has carpet on the back porch? I Iove it.
Is it soft or coarse? I'm fascinated.
Stop it.
I wiII not have you making fun of something that he can't controI.
I accept everyone for who they are.
You two shouId take a cue from me.
Oh, reaIIy? Like those Iadies in the stationery store? She compIeteIy freaked out when she found out they were gay.
Oh, I did not, Kim.
They just caught me off guard, that's aII.
Mmm-hmm.
What if I was gay? What? Oh, you couId never be gay.
You're way too fashion forward.
And even if you were, Tom Cruise says you can be cured of it with vitamins and exercise.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Suri Cruise? She has, Iike, her own pIayground in their BeverIy HiIIs compound.
Oh, yeah, I read that.
WeII, she shouId.
She's HoIIywood royaIty.
(KATH GASPS) Oh, I am warning you, stabIe boy.
You better keep your rough hands off of me.
Daddy's going to be home any second.
Listen, IoIIipop, wouId you mind just putting a pin in it for a sec? Oh, sure.
I reaIIy want to get reaI with you about something.
I want to know, and just teII me the truth, are you turned off by my situation back there? (SIGHING) That darn Kim! She's aIways stirring up cans of bees! I guess I just aIways assumed that women wouId find it sexy.
You know? A sign of viriIity.
Like my Ieather jacket or my genuine turquoise Navajo ring.
I mean, was I wrong? Okay.
Do you reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy want to know what I think? I reaIIy do.
AII right.
I'm not crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy nuts about it.
Good! Great.
Okay, weII, thank you.
Thank you for your honesty.
I'm sorry.
Kath, I'm a big boy.
I think I can handIe it.
You are going to Iove this sea mud exfoIiating mask.
Karen, I'd be Iying if I toId you I wasn't pretty jazzed about it.
Anything eIse? Uh, no.
That'II do it.
ActuaIIy.
(SIGHS) We, we reaIIy don't do that here, PhiI.
We onIy wax eyebrows.
Why don't we just caII it two giant eyebrows? This anaIog TV you got is oId schooI.
You got to hook yourseIf up with some High-Def capabiIity.
I don't know.
I kind of Iike it the way it is.
That's 'cause you haven't experienced it before.
PENNY: ShouId we try it? WeII, it's not Iike I haven't thought about it.
WeII, I guess I'm actuaIIy curious to see what it's Iike.
Okay.
What do I do? You don't do nothing.
You just sit there, you reIax and you enjoy.
You're going to Iove this.
You want me to put it in? Yeah.
Oh, my God! I Iove that! (SIGHS) Hey.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
I know you're in a hurry.
I'II make this reaI quick.
Yeah.
Hey, are you okay? You sounded kind of not great on the phone.
Did you And this is, I don't want actuaI detaiIs or anything, but have you noticed anything unusuaI before Kim moved out? That happened in the boudoir? ReaIIy? It just seems kind of weird to taIk about me and Kim's sex Iife, you know? 'Cause you're her mom and stuff.
Yeah.
I understand.
Listen.
That makes totaI sense.
Listen.
I don't want to make you feeI uncomfortabIe.
Oh, yeah.
I have good reason for this, trust me.
Uh-huh.
I'm just asking you to think reaI hard, just think, is there anything, even the sIightest thing, that might stand out, Craig? Uh.
AII right.
Um.
Sometimes she Iikes to be where she can see the TV when we do it.
But other than that, it's pretty much business as usuaI.
Hmm.
I teII you I don't know.
I just reaIIy think we need to watch out for this Penny Peterson gaI.
I know.
What is the deaI with her? Kim is, Iike, in Iove with this chick.
I know! That's what I'm saying And you know how impressionistic Kim is.
She's Iike a sheep.
What one sheep does, the other sheep foIIows.
And this whoIe Lindsay Lohan-Samantha Ronson hubbub.
You know, I think Penny Peterson Iikes girI sheep if you know what I mean.
Yeah, are you Are you saying that Kim is trying to get, Iike, a three-way going? No.
Think about what I just said minus one sheep.
Minus one sheep.
Does that make sense? I'm sorry.
Can you just go through the whoIe thing one more time? But, is it possibIe to use no sheep when you say it? 'Cause the sheep is what's confusing me.
It's throwing me off.
Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHING) Penny Peterson's so funny.
I mean, she is Iike EIIen funny.
I saw Craig today at the maII.
Has he been working out? It Iooked Iike he had guns.
WiII you get me some soda, no ice in the big bIue cup? Sure.
Craig misses you so much, Kim.
Hey, you know what? I have an idea! Why don't you two go out tonight for a nice romantic dinner? My treat.
Oh, can't.
I'm going to go to the movies and then I'm going to go to that new pIace in the maII that has a miIIion kinds of beer.
Penny Peterson and I are going to have a girIs night.
Oh, girIs night.
Yep.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Those guys over there, compIeteIy keep Iooking over here.
Guys are so Iame.
You know, we shouId invite them over here and then totaIIy shut 'em down.
No, we shouId get them to buy us a coupIe of pitchers and then, shoot them down.
ExceIIent.
Except that bIond one.
He is cute.
I wouId do him.
Do what? Um, nasty sex.
I thought you were gay.
Oh, man.
Why does everybody think I'm gay? Because you don't have acryIics on your naiIs, and Iarge pores, totaI Iack of conceaIer.
PIus, you know, you, you Iook and act very gay.
Hey, Penny Peterson.
Hey, Craig.
Uh, can I taIk to you for a second, pIease? Thanks.
Excuse us just one second.
I'm having a girIs night with me and Penny Peterson.
Yeah, I can see that, but Iook, Kim.
Some peopIe, some very infIuentiaI peopIe in the community, have toId me that you shouIdn't be hanging out with Penny Peterson.
That's stupid.
Why shouIdn't I be hanging out with Penny Peterson? Okay, I'm not 100 percent cIear on that, because the peopIe in the community were being sort of confusing about it.
(COUGHS) Craig.
Hey, Craig.
Buddy, Iisten.
I Iike you and aII, but if Kim says you got to go, you got to go.
Um, kind of taIking to my wife here.
So, thank you.
That's what I mean.
Right? What? Go.
Go! Did you just poke me? Uh, that's kind of a stupid question.
You just saw her poke you.
Doesn't feeI so good, does it? Whoa.
Did you just poke that chick? Dude.
Okay, here we go.
You do not want any part of this, okay? So just go back to your IittIe, your IittIe fun pIatter, your IittIe friend.
WouId you cut it out, Penny Peterson! Hey, don't yeII at her, dude.
Why, man? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, brah? I'm waiting on you, brah.
Bring it! This dude doesn't know who I am, brah.
It's Britney, bitch! (GROANING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) (EXCLAIMS) Craig! No! Wedgie, dude! You Iike wedgie, dude! That's not fighting! CRAIG: Dude! Oh, my God! My night is ruined! You want some more guacamoIe, honey? I think Kim is having Iesbionic impuIses.
Whoa.
Lesbian.
What? She's aIways had difficuIt reIationships with men.
Her marriage is going down the toiIet and I'm afraid that she is seeking emotionaI comfort in the arms of a woman.
I know it! I know it! I know it! (SPEAKING SPANISH) I happen to have a Iot of experience with gay Iesbians.
My Aunt CameIia, Cammie for short, is a very proud gay shorthaired person who wears dungarees and has a toothpick.
And she trains dogs.
She has a friend who has a mustache.
That is a gay woman.
I know a gay woman when I see one, and I'm teIIing you, Kim is not a gay.
I hate men! They stink.
They are the worst and I hope I never see one again! Ooh, tacos.
I Iove tacos.
KATH.
.
Get your head on straight, Kath.
Straight.
Gay.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Stop! Stop it right now, Kath Day! You are a modern gaI of the 21st century! 20th? No, I was right.
21st.
Yeah.
The onIy reason you're aII bojangIed over this is because you don't know enough about it.
So do what you aIways do.
Get educated! ConsuIt with the experts, toot sweet! Oh, pooh.
I was going to surprise you.
Oh, PhiI.
You don't have to wax your situation for me.
I'm not waxing for you, honey.
I'm waxing for us.
'Cause making you happy makes me happy.
Oh, PhiI.
Come here.
Just as Iong as you know that I Iove you and accept you just as you are.
Just Iike I accept Kim for being a Iesbian.
Wow! Is Kim reaIIy gay? Oh, yes.
DefiniteIy.
She fits the biII to a T.
I did aII my research Iast night.
She just hasn't come out of the cIoset.
That wouId expIain why she's so hostiIe to me.
(GROANS) You know, you shouId remove those strips before they harden.
AII right.
Do it on three, but do it fast.
AII right.
Ready? One.
Two.
Three! (GRUNTS) Oh! HeIIo, Texas! Good morning, sIeepyhead! I have something very important to teII you.
I want you to know that I am compIeteIy okay with your being gay.
I support you to the hiIt.
I'm not gay.
You're not? No.
But what about your fast and furious reIationship with Penny Peterson? She's not gay.
She's not? (SIGHS) She's so, you know.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Morning, CabIe.
I know, but, no.
I'm shocked.
(SCOFFS) WeII, I got to say I'm a IittIe disappointed.
I was reaIIy gearing up to be the cooI mom with a Iesbian daughter.
You know, Iike Cher.
WeII.
AII right.
WeII.
(CRAIG VOCALIZING) That is correct.
The Craiger is in the house! (GROANS) Now, I am so confused.
Don't be.
Last night was sick.
You rocked me Iike a porn star.
(VOCALIZING) Are you two back together? Yes.
No.
WeII, we're not sure.
Yes, we are.
WeII, it's just, it's pretty fragiIe at this point.
Is that cooI? Is it cooI if we just refer to us as ''fragiIe''? But, Kim, I thought you said you were done with men.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
But then Craig got in a fight in the bar Iast night.
Oh, Kim.
You're just Iike your mom.
You aIways go for the bad boys.
I mean Iook at PhiI.
WeII, it wasn't exactIy a boy.
Check it.
Yeah.
It was Penny Peterson.
Oh! Then I started thinking and I decided that seeing Craig on the fIoor with Penny Peterson's foot on his throat was totaIIy hot.
Now are you sure you're not some version of gay? Hmm, did you make this sangria? It's a powder mix.
I just added the canned peaches.
Um, deIicious.
Ow! Oh! What is it? What is it? Let me see! Oh, I think I just got stung by a bee! Ow! Ow! Ow! Let me see.
(EXCLAIMING) What? Oh, you Iook Iike a movie star! ReaIIy? Like Lisa ReynoIds! (EXCLAIMING) Let me see this.
Oh, that Iooks good.
And so much cheaper than Botox.
Take that stinger out and shove it in my Iip.