Kevin Can Wait (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Oh, you're, uh having the last slice of pie, huh? Yes, I had a hankering for a midnight snack.
Yeah, me too.
Uh I guess I'll just have an apple.
That's nature's dessert right there.
So you're up late, huh? Yes, uh, just working on my app, had a couple of glitches.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.
I mean, you're creating your own app.
And you're marrying my daughter.
You got a lot going on.
I-I'm amazed at how you balance it all, how you do that, you know? It's really nice to hear you say that.
I Sometimes I feel like I'm on an island.
Actually, you are.
It's Long Island.
But you said something about a-a glitch or something like that? Oh, yes, well, uh, what I'm working with here is, uh It's a new technology, but with any program, okay, once you fix one set of code, it triggers another problem - Mm-hmm.
- And another problem and another.
It's like dominoes.
- Oh, yeah, perfect analogy, Mr.
Gable.
- Yeah.
Right.
But the good part is that once I'm done Right.
I am ready to beta test.
- [Chuckles.]
- Wow.
Now, what's all that about? Oh, well, I can show you that.
Uh, you see, there is a small control group, okay, and they will have access to your product.
And you can see what aspects are working, what parts need to be improved, and then that's That's all you have there.
[Muffled.]
That is ama I mean, it's Oh, yeah.
If If you ever want, please, come by the garage tomorrow.
- I can I can show you.
- I would love t I go to check 'cause I got a thing with the thing, but, uh, yeah, maybe I'll do that.
- I'll look into that.
- It sounds great.
All right.
- Fantastic.
- Thank you, Mr.
Gable.
- You have a lovely night.
- Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles.]
He ate my pie.
I am not your ordinary guy Mr.
Gable, happy All Hallow's Eve.
Wow.
I got to say, for the first time, I'm not in the mood for bacon.
It's a couples' costume.
A-And as your daughter comes downstairs, everything will come into focus.
Oh, yeah.
Razor sharp.
What happened? You were supposed to be an egg.
I know.
I tried it, babe.
But it made me look dumpy, and I couldn't see through the yolk.
Wonderful.
We are the classic combination Bacon and princess.
Jack, Sara, let's go.
Oh, I like it.
That looks good.
Hey, guys, have fun tonight, all right? Listen to bacon and princess.
Mostly princess, all right? Just You know what? Ignore bacon.
Hey.
Hey.
Nice hat.
[Groans.]
The kids at school, they thought it would be funny if I was dressed like an ugly witch.
Well, we'll see how funny they think their flu shots are tomorrow when I keep missing the muscle.
Wow, you went a little dark there, hon.
I did.
I'm just exhausted.
So now let's get ready to pass out candy to the little angels.
[Weakly.]
Yay.
[Chuckles.]
Well, if you're talking about the fun-sized ones that you tried hiding from me, I got to be honest I had a lot of fun finding them and even more fun eating them.
Well, I am not because those were the decoys.
No, the real ones are in the piano bench.
Found them.
Ate them.
Behind the piano, too? See, this is why we have trust issues.
Is it horrible that I want this night to be over, and it hasn't even started? What if it was over? I'm sorry? What if we didn't hand out candy this year? Just throwing it out there.
We can't do that.
We've played by the rules for 20 years.
We put in our time.
Who says we got to get up from the couch every five seconds to hand out candy to kids not because they deserve it, but because they rang a bell? I mean, if you think about it, the whole thing is just kind of a charade.
Not “kinda.
” “Oh, I'm an astronaut”" No, you're not.
You're little Timmy Cicero from down the block.
You can barely ride a skateboard.
You expect me to believe you're landing a-a lunar modular on the moon? Lunar modular? You gonna stick with that? You know what I mean.
It would be kind of nice not to do it at all.
Then let's not.
It's time the Gables take a stand and we show the world we are not ashamed.
- Well, how would we do that? - We hide.
We turn off every light, and we send out a message that says, "“You know what? We are closed for business”" Do you think that would work? It worked for McDonald's, right? "After midnight, you're rolling out there, “I want a burger”" but you can't find it and the place is closed.
And you know how you know? Dark arches.
The arches are dark.
The saddest sight in all of fast food.
And then, what happens next? Well, if it's you, you punch the dashboard, and then we drive 20 miles to the one that's open in Queens? Exactly! I move on to the next one, right? And that's what the kids will do.
They will move on to the next house because tonight the Gables have dark arches.
Okay.
Okay! Yeah! Let's do this.
- Look at us.
We got our own thing.
-Mm-hmm.
Hallow-We-Ain't-Home! Holla back, y'all! Look, when we get in there, we got to stay quiet, okay? Well, shouldn't we just go upstairs? No, the TV downstairs is much better.
We can't watch “Taken” on a small screen.
It's an insult to Liam Neeson and he will find us.
Wait a minute.
We're watching “Taken” again? You've seen it 10 times.
You said we could watch “Pitch Perfect.
” That's when I thought it was about baseball.
Once I learned it was about a competitive a cappella group, I wanted to run through a wall into another wall.
[Groans.]
Fine.
All right, come on.
Hey, remember to stay quiet and don't go near the windows, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- This is kind of exciting.
- Yeah.
It's so wrong, yet so right.
[Chuckles.]
By the way, if this works out, we should do this with other holidays, right? I mean, like, who really needs Valentine's Day? Yeah, and why do I have to cook for every Thanksgiving? [Doorbell rings.]
Stay calm.
They can't see us.
Children: Trick or treat! Oh, they sound so cute.
They're probably little ballerinas or something.
I can't.
I can't.
Abandon ship.
Abandon ship.
Shh! Hey, stop.
Stop.
Look at me.
Look at me.
The first one is always the toughest.
Trick or treat! This is killing me.
Just ride it out.
Girl: Mommy, I guess no one's home.
Let's just go to the next house.
And we're through it.
There you have it.
- Dark arches.
- Dark arches.
How goes the trunk-or-treating? The best.
No knocking on doors or walking to the next house.
You go from car to car and take what you want.
It's like we're robbing these people.
You know who's being robbed? Me.
No one's gotten my costume all night.
Why don't you just take the hat off and be a regular cookie? You're just jealous 'cause you're never gonna wear one of these.
You know, I got to say, trunk-or-treating is kind of romantic.
Chale: Speaking of treats, a little serenade for my princess.
[Falsetto.]
Kendra, Kendra More than a friend-a [Loud bass music playing.]
Chale, Chale, Chale What a perfect male Chale, Chale, Chale What a perfect [Louder.]
Kendra, Ken Come on.
This is intolerable.
Unbelievable.
And yet it is a free country, and that's why I love America.
So, if I was ever taken, how far would you go to save me, hmm? Well, I mean, I I'd definitely want you back.
No, good to hear.
You know, I would ask your girlfriends if they'd seen you and put up some fliers.
Liam Neeson He flies to Europe and he's snapping people's necks and you're gonna put up some fliers? - With a reward, you know? - Oh.
I got to be honest I don't know if I could learn another language and Sure.
Fly to another country.
You got to figure out their money and stuff.
Right.
I don't even Do I have a passport? I don't even know if I have a passport.
[Doorbell rings.]
Children: Trick or treat! [Doorbell rings.]
Boy: Trick or treat! We see your car in the driveway.
[Doorbell ringing rapidly.]
No, no, no, no, no.
It's okay.
They'll leave.
Hey.
I smell popcorn.
Give me a boost.
I'll look through the window.
[Whispers.]
Get low.
Get low.
Okay.
I think they're gone.
[Whispers.]
Lower your voice.
- I think they're gone.
- Stop screaming.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
All right, Now we'll go check.
Okay.
What? Get down.
This is down as I get.
They might know we're here.
[Loud bass music plays.]
Okay, enough is enough.
I mean, why can't they just play something more soothing, like a car alarm? I'd go over and talk to him, but the Viking seems busy with his decorations.
Fine, I'll do it.
No, no, no.
I'll deal with it.
I just want to be sure to keep my rage in check.
Okay.
Fine.
Here I go.
Okay, Chale.
Brave bacon.
Brave bacon.
[Chuckles.]
Excuse me.
[Chuckles.]
'Sup, bro? Uh, my fiancée and I, uh, we're really big fans of music, a-also really big fans of Vikings.
The way you plunder a village to die for.
Um, we feel maybe the music is just a Just a tad too loud.
[Chuckles.]
I'm so sorry.
[Volume lowers.]
Thank you so much.
My girlfriend She likes it loud.
She's a strong cup of coffee.
[Chuckles.]
I, too, am familiar with that brew.
They shaving-creamed the car.
I just washed it, too.
You know, I'm going out there.
That's it.
No, honey.
Don't, okay? They're just kids.
All right, we'll take the high road, and we will clean everything tomorrow.
Okay, you're right.
Take the high road.
Yes.
They just stole our “Welcome” sign.
What?! My grandmother made that sign for us.
Oh, you know what? Those are the Gruber kids.
That's it.
I'm calling their parents.
Well, not sure Rick and Judy are gonna pick up because they're driving the getaway car.
Oh, those bastards are going down.
I guess we're off the high road now.
Oh, yeah.
We're way off.
[Sighs.]
Looks like our noise problem was handled.
Oh, wow, that's amazing.
What did you say to him? I went over there.
He had a bit of an attitude.
He's like, “What's up, bro”" And I shut that down.
[Chuckles.]
I was having none of it.
Wow.
Good on you, babe.
Oh.
Well, when thunder needs bringing, I tend to bring it.
Megan: Don't tell me to relax! Who told you to turn my music off?! It was just some guy.
You're so blurring.
Get some personality.
Honey.
Why are you acting like this? You made me crazy.
You're so monotone! Why do I even like you?! Who was it?! Uh, we should probably start the car.
What? [Grunts.]
[Strained.]
I can't swing my legs over.
It ain't happening.
The gate's unlocked.
Thank you, God.
What did you bring? What is all this? - It's toilet paper and shaving cream.
- What? If I learned anything from being a cop, it's that you never show up unarmed.
Honey, this is not about payback, okay? It's about getting our sign and just By the way, how much toilet paper did you bring? Is that every roll in the house? It is.
Yeah.
Maybe we should hang on to a few of these.
Okay.
[Gasps.]
Oh, there's the sign.
I'll go get it.
Hey, wait, wait, wait! They got a lot of lights up there.
- Those could be motion sensors.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, Jackie Chan, I think we're good.
I'll tell you when we're good.
- We're good.
- Okay.
All right, I'm gonna go get it.
Okay.
This is exciting.
- Hurry up.
- Okay, I'm coming.
[Gasps.]
They snapped our bird's neck.
Ohh! Look at what they did! You know what? Yes, I'm gonna do this.
- Hey! - Take this, Grubers! - Yes! - Okay.
Ohh, that felt good.
- A couple things.
- Yeah! - You're supposed to unroll it first.
- Oh.
And you ended up in the kiddie pool right there.
You're supposed to throw it in a tree.
Oh, that would be much better.
What was that? Ohh! [Gasps.]
I'm hit! Ohh! I love this sweater! - [Gasps.]
- Run! Grab the sign! Grab the sign! It's a trap! - Take cover! - Oh, God! Over there! Here! Go! Go! Ow! [Screams.]
Go! Go! I'm going! Go! Go, go, go, go.
Donna: Close it! Close it! Close it! Are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm great.
I'm trapped in a kids' playhouse, and I'm wearing a scrambled-egg sweater.
Best Halloween ever.
Okay.
All right.
I think they're done.
[Tape tearing.]
What is that? I think they're duct-taping us in here.
- Oh, no! - What? It worked.
We're trapped like ducks.
Hey, babe, you know it's not “duck” tape, right? That it's duct with a “T”? Yeah, I know.
- But do you? - Yeah, I know.
It's an expression “trapped like ducks.
” - You never heard of that? - No.
I still got no service.
No bars.
Well, move around a little.
Oh, good call.
Let me move to the east wing of the property.
Still nothing.
[Groans.]
Oh, why are these people so mad at us? I don't know.
I can understand the kids being mad, but I mean, Rick and Judy? We didn't do anything to them.
We have always been really good neighbors.
Oh.
What? It's not a big thing, but I did borrow Rick's leaf blower, and it was very powerful.
Powerful enough to, say, propel a full-grown man in an inner tube around in a circle in a pool.
Our pool.
I'm that full-grown man.
You don't say.
And what happened? Well, the trick is to not submerge the whole thing in water fully.
And I guess I did that, you know? Sure, sure, you did.
And did you have it fixed? I did.
Of course I did.
I mean, my buddy Wendell, though, apparently is not an authorized dealer, and it completely voided out the warranty and Rick got all mad and we got into a heated argument and his wife, out of nowhere, called me a moron.
I panicked, and I called her I think it was something like a Big Booty Judy.
Big Booty Judy? Are you kidding me? - I'm not proud, all right? - Ohh.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.
Oh, so we're trapped in here because of you.
No, we are here because you had to go get your precious grandmother's sign "“Welcome to the Gable Stable”" We live on a quarter acre in Massapequa.
Like, we're out back with a bunch of horses.
"“Come on, Jack.
Let's get on back to the Gable Stable”" Wow! You know what? I feel like I need a break from hearing your voice right now.
So I will be in the kitchen.
[Sighs.]
I'm really sorry, all right? This whole thing is my fault.
You know, you could step up and fight me on some of this if you want to.
We don't need to argue about it right now.
We need to get out of here.
I agree.
There's no telling what these kids could do.
They already duck Duct-taped us in.
- Look, we need to cut that tape.
- How? There There's literally nothing sharp enough to do it.
- There actually could be one thing.
- What? My grandmother's sign? No.
Yeah, I-I crash this thing into a thousand pieces.
I get, like, a shiv, and we are ripped out of here in a second.
Oh, well, make it quick.
Ohh.
[Screams.]
I hit the knee.
Right on the knee.
Okay.
[Screams.]
Okay, no.
You know what? You just You got to break that door down.
- What? - Yeah.
You got to go full bull-in-a-China-shop.
With that body, you could bust right through.
“That body”? Uh, because Uh, because it's muscle.
Because you're 'Cause you're mostly muscle.
It is mostly muscle.
I'm not I'm not saying there's not other stuff in there, but it is mostly muscle and bone and things of structure.
Yeah, no, and that's what I meant.
That's 100% what I meant.
[Sighs.]
Let's do it.
I couldn't even break a sign.
How am I breaking this door? Because you can do it! All right, we break through this thing, okay, we hop that fence, and we run back home, okay? Yes, yes, and we do it fast because, really, I actually got to pee real bad.
Okay, all right.
[Both scream.]
Oh! Honey, are you okay? [Straining.]
My shoulder hurts pretty bad.
It's hard to tell in the dark.
Oh, babe, let's get out of here.
[Groans.]
Okay, okay.
Come on, come on.
Can you mo R Rick! All right, I'm sorry about the leaf blower! Yeah.
Your Your wife was right.
I-I am a moron.
Okay, I just My apologies to her.
Rick: You mean Big Booty Judy? Now! Oh, oh! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- Save yourself! - Oh, God! Save yourself! [Screams.]
Ow! Come on, Donna! Okay.
[Both grunting.]
I'm not sorry! I'm not sorry! Hello? Hello? Honey, it's after 11:00.
Yeah, dad, they're obviously closed.
It's probably best if you don't eat so late.
We're ready to give our order.
Are you ready to take it? Ready to take the order of us? We're ready.
Hello? Come on.
One time.
[Sighs.]
Dark arches.
I'm sorry, honey.
So let's just go home? We're going to Queens.