Kidding (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Kintsugi
1 [MAESTRO FERMATA.]
Previously on Kidding Maddy! Piano time! I'll take her.
Did you hand-fuck my husband? So what's your second-favorite instrument? [ATONAL SQUEAKING.]
ToyCo has been begging us for a talking Jeff doll.
This year, we're finally gonna give it to them.
We're talking the hottest Christmas gift of the season.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
Vivian's not doing well.
My name is Viva Lost Pages.
What's one more Jeff? There's a difference between Mr.
Pickles-san of Japan, or Monsieur Cornichon du France, or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
[ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sayonara.
[ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[DIRECTOR.]
Katto! [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Arigatou.
Arigatou.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Hai, arigatou gozaimasu.
Kintsugi.
Pickles-san [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[OLD PICKLES-SAN.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[WARBLING ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BOTH.]
Whoa.
I see.
- Whoa.
- Ah.
I'm gonna need a tutorial.
First, what you need to do is just tap the icon.
Put in the name of the person you want to FaceTime.
This is gonna be awesome.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[VIVIAN.]
Whoa.
[SIGHS.]
This is my friend Vivian.
She wasn't healthy enough to make the trip.
She wanted to see the ocean.
Hello, Vivian.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[VIVIAN LAUGHS.]
The ocean makes the sunset look so special, but you make it spectacular.
The sun is getting jealous.
You're welcome.
Dolphins! Dolphins.
Do you see the dolphin? There's a dolphin.
Hey.
We need to talk before he gets here.
Okay.
You first.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I feel that if it would make you happier, for M-Maddy to take piano again, then she should take piano, and I'll just deal with it.
Oh.
She seemed happier.
I don't think that's true.
Plus, she's getting so good at clarinet.
- [MADDY.]
I am? - Yes, honey.
I just think she may have liked piano better, and if her heart is set on piano, then you just you can't change someone's heart.
I think piano was just a phase.
You do? - [MADDY.]
It was? - Yes, sweetheart.
I think she was confused.
She was born a clarinet player.
Piano's just this weird choice she made.
She was never really committed to piano.
She she probably wishes she never took piano in the first place.
[MADDY.]
Was I not good at piano? - It was awful.
- Dee Dee, from now on, we are strictly a clarinet family.
I am committed to making this a clarinet family.
[MADDY.]
You guys need to be more supportive of my dreams.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[EASYGOING MUSIC.]
Konnichiwa.
[LAUGHS.]
Konnichiwa.
- Pikurusu-san desu.
- [SCOTT.]
Maddy? This is Mr.
Pickles-san.
He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks and then bring back what he learned to Japan.
And occasionally babysit.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Oh, I'm I'm sorry Jeff couldn't host you.
His living situation isn't optimal to board guests right now.
My English I Mm Not amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Sado-Shimi.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sado-Shimi? Sou.
Sado-shimi.
- [MADDY.]
Thank you.
- [PICKLES-SAN.]
Thank you.
Arigatou.
[JEFF.]
I have a message, all right, but I don't know if they're gonna like it.
We're ready to record whenever you're ready.
Okay.
All of history travels on the human voice.
Amplified, it can shear a man in half, sentence 2 million Polish Jews to Dachau, or spread the Book of Matthew from Mount Zion to a Roman river.
Thousands of malleable minds will rip this doll off the shelf, and I don't know if they'll see it as a god or gremlin.
But I won't drop nightshade into children's ears.
Um, so, I don't think we're allowed to stray from the approved script.
I'd like to, if that's all right.
[WOMAN.]
Of course.
What do you want to say? [JEFF.]
Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar? No, I don't like those words.
They scare the dirt off of me.
Well, maybe they'll be less scary if we explain what they mean.
[JEFF.]
Allahu akbar is an expression that means a lot of different things.
[JEFF.]
Mainly, it's used as a greeting, like we say "Hello," "good-bye.
" [AS UKE-LARRY.]
Or "aloha"? That's right, Uke-Larry.
So if we went to Hawaii, we could say, "Aloha-u akbar.
" Um Sure.
Allahu akbar.
Forced to leave their homes at gunpoint and march on foot with whatever they could carry.
It led to the deaths of over 20,000 Indigenous Americans.
"Indigenous"? Indigenous.
[JEFF.]
That means they were here first.
The Cherokees called this the Trail of Tears.
Oops.
That's right, Oops.
Even governments make mistakes.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Disconnect the teleprompters.
I did.
That's just him talking.
[RABBI EPSTEIN.]
Grace and I wrote him a powerful scene in which Snagglehorse goes apple-picking, and he wrote, "Despair is an eagle.
" [RABBI EPSTEIN.]
What does that mean? Without a diverse group of meaningful relationships, we can't see certain populations as actual people, and we subconsciously tune them out.
[JEFF.]
And your depression is something you should never be afraid to talk about with the people you love, because if they really love you They'd tell you that Ronald McDonald wants to walk our black youth into a food desert and leave them there without their pants on, because he wants to charge you for water and he wants to charge you to pee.
Don't expect compliments from an insecure person.
Too many people think this country's a stone-cold gray corpse, but it's not.
It's a living, breathing organism.
And we've got to keep kicking it to make sure it's alive.
Yee-haw! For every 90 minutes of footage we shoot, only 12 are borderline usable, and that's before we cut out the veiled Marxism and songs about genocide.
[JEFF YELLING.]
Whoo hoo! The show was right there beneath the surface the whole time [BOTH GASPING.]
I thought it was an end, but it was just a rust oxidized over the beginning.
Sorry.
I forgot my eyeballs.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Thank you.
Allahu akbar.
Good night.
He can do whatever he wants.
Say whatever he wants.
Maybe I want to look in a lens and scream a little.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Not that they'd let me near a camera.
Sometimes, I I'm Soap Scum's limp right hand, and even then, it's obscured by a shower curtain that I created in my dorm room.
[AMERICAN ACCENT.]
The true artist is both victim and warrior.
You speak English? I'm not speaking English.
[WONDROUS MUSIC.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Oh.
What makes your puppets special is the life you put inside of them, not the people hiding behind them.
What's your real name, Pickles-san? Mm, who I was doesn't matter.
I'm Pickles-san now, always and forever.
Maybe we both like to hide.
I hide from myself all the time.
I think that's why I married Scott.
He's I didn't want to know myself, so I chose a man who could never know me.
He's the one who wanted kids.
I only exist for other people: Maddy and Scott and Jeff and my dad and It's easy to exist for them, because I don't know how to exist for myself.
I don't know how to want.
I'd rather bleed in front of a doll than live in front of my family.
That's how I grew up.
We are a family who loves from afar.
But loving others from afar means what they give you in return is always at a distance.
I'm better from afar.
I'm all scars up close.
You know of kintsugi? Hm? It is the practice of making art by breaking something special and gluing it back together with gold.
Your scars do not mean you are broken.
They are proof you are healed.
Breaking is healing.
Kintsugi.
Kintsugi.
I don't want you to think that I chose somebody who wouldn't be alive very long because I thought we were gonna get back together.
I didn't think that.
Usually, when your husband starts dating a younger woman, it reminds you of your mortality.
Not this time.
I'm sorry if my actions hurt you in any way.
Hey, I found my next relationship in a hospital hallway.
Maybe I led by example.
When I first saw Peter, it was like watching the "Challenger" explode, but you knew what you needed, and he put so much color back in your cheeks.
Thank him for me.
Jeff, you know, nine times out of ten, when someone walks through that doorway, they've just gotten the worst news that they will ever get in their life.
So it would be best for her if you could find a way to convey that her struggle is your struggle.
We still have to deal with Thursday.
I'd like you to come over to Dee Dee's, bring Peter.
You open to that? - Yeah.
- Mm.
That was easier than I thought it would be.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.
The second line of treatment pushed my white blood cell count past the point of remission.
I'm in remission.
[LAUGHS.]
I love you so much.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God.
I have so many credit cards to pay off.
[HUMS.]
I am so, so happy to hear the good news about your health.
Thank you.
I'm Vivian, by the way.
I'm Seb.
[CONVIVIAL INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
["HOW WOULD THEY KNOW" BY MARGARET LEWIS PLAYING.]
You say Scarlet's my name Arigatou.
Put that back.
No, no, we don't do that.
[PETER.]
Oh, man! [LAUGHTER.]
I think it's a miracle.
If she's okay, Jeff's okay.
If Jeff's okay, everything's normal again.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PETER.]
You think your sister would let us watch the National Dog Show? I didn't know you followed the Natties.
My nana bred two runners-up and one that just plain broke her heart.
I midwifed the 2003 Best In Group terrier.
I mean, I say that.
Really, I was just passing through the kitchen at the wrong time.
What about last year's spaniel surprise? Jaunty, yes.
Jovial, yes.
Champion? No, sir.
I feel the schnauzers are under-coifed and overlooked.
Ever since the Scandinavians started breeding them, I've been thinking, "When is their moment?" Thank you.
My dad used to have a drawer full of jigsaw puzzles.
Now he has a drawer full of condoms.
Mm, my mom thinks I'm drinking grape juice, but really, it's wine.
[WILL.]
I'm going to start the magic show.
Okay, honey.
[LAUGHS.]
I said I'm going to start the magic show.
Whatever.
[DEIRDRE.]
Do you still say your prayers? [DEIRDRE LAUGHS.]
But but wait.
What do you say? Most of America eats turkey today, but my family eats lasagna, too, because I'm Italian.
Do you like it? [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Arigatou.
You know, I had the best blowjob of my life on the bullet train to Kyoto.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sucky, sucky.
Train, train.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
- Hm? - Fellatio.
Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's to fellatio.
Blowjob.
Show me the charcoal under-rub of a Swedish show dog, and I will show you the infinite potential of canine husbandry.
That's right, Schnauzer.
Trot that circle.
Alvin-Britches Dropbottom Delight did not come to play with you haughty bitches! [LAUGHS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
Vivian keeps talking about us zip-lining through Honduras and seeing the fish rain.
You will never forget the first time you get kamikaze'd by a red snapper.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Sorry, Pickles-san.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Deirdre spent a lot of time in Belize, working with local populations.
Ah.
I mean, I've only used my passport once.
The pain meds are cheaper in Toronto.
[SEB.]
Oh! [DEIRDRE.]
So when are you guys thinking of going? I was thinking midsummer, right, Viv? - Mm-hm.
- Could I come? [JILL.]
Will, sometimes, couples like to travel together.
Alone.
No, no, no.
The more, the merrier.
[DEIRDRE.]
I want to go.
We have never taken a vacation as a family.
We should talk about this closer to June.
I want to go to Costa Rica.
I guess all of us could go.
Oh, whoa, I'm in you know, if invited.
And Scott could totally plan this.
My husband is a corporate travel agent.
This would be his Olympics.
Logistics are my aphrodisiac.
[SEB.]
What if I pay for the whole trip? The Pickles take Honduras.
You don't have to do that.
Could we stay in another place with chocolate-covered fruit? Can I room with Grandpa? We make T-shirts for everybody.
"Out of the Way: Pickles on Vacay.
" I'll ask Derrell to plan tomorrow.
[SCOTT.]
Seb, this many people, different last names, hotel rooms? Let me handle this.
I'm going alone.
You're right.
We don't have to take the whole family.
It can just be us.
Um, no.
I was gonna tell you later.
I bought a ticket, and I'm going next week, by myself.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm sorry, Jeff.
- Just everything that - [SIGHS.]
changed when everything changed, and I get to start over.
[VIVIAN.]
I look at you, and I see the man who saved my life.
But I also see cancer and death.
I look at you, you remind me of death.
[VIVIAN.]
And I have this gift of time, and, you know, this us it made sense when time was running out.
Now that I can plan ahead, I'm sorry.
Those plans don't involve you.
I'm sorry.
They can't.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
I'm happy for you.
Fuck you! Yeah, fuck you! Fuck you, cunt! - [MADDY.]
Yeah, fuck you! - [SCOTT.]
Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you! Fuck you! [JILL.]
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [ALL BUT JEFF.]
Fuck you! Fuck you! There's no chemo for dengue! [DOOR CLOSES.]
["CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING" WITH BING CROSBY.]
When I'm feeling blue And when I'm feeling low Then I start to think about The happiest man I know He doesn't mind the snow And he doesn't mind the rain But all December you will hear him At your windowpane A-singing again and again and again And again and again and again Christmas is a-coming And the bells begin to ring The holly's in the window and the birds begin to sing Now I don't take time to worry And don't take time to fret And the more you give at Christmastime The more you'll get [RABBI EPSTEIN.]
The line is "Welcome to Pickle Barrel Falls, Viva Lost Pages.
Your new forever home.
" Just give me a second.
I can do it.
We don't have to do this today.
Mm We don't have to keep Viva Lost Pages around if it's just gonna dredge up painful memories.
[SIGHS.]
A woman is gonna live.
That's nothing short of spectacular.
I don't really have an excuse to come in here, but you can't understand me anyway, unless I'm holding a puppet.
- I just - [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
May I tell you the sad and sordid tale of a queen enslaved by the demon locked in her vulva, and the warrior with a steel penis whoosh who destroyed this demon? Yes, please.
[JEFF.]
Have you ever met a new friend that feels like an old friend? This is Viva.
[JEFF.]
A new friend.
And Viva, this is Ennui and Maestro Fermata, your new friends.
They'll probably feel like old friends.
Do you have any books on tartines? Or Mozart? I feel lost.
[JEFF.]
You're not lost.
You're home, and you can stay in Pickle Barrel Falls for as long as you want.
- [WOMAN.]
All done? - Thanks.
[VIVA.]
Forever? [JEFF.]
That's a long time, but sure.
You get to stay forever.
[BITTERSWEET MUSIC.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The great warrior fought his way guard by guard until he made his way to the queen's tower.
[GRUNTS.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
But just before she could embrace him [IMITATES FANFARE.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The king arrived on his horse.
Wait, how are you [PICKLES-SAN.]
Please, don't touch it.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The old ruler explained the door to the castle had always been open, and it was the queen who had locked herself away.
[DISAPPOINTED GRUNT.]
- Where's warrior going? - [PICKLES-SAN.]
Home.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The great warrior understood this was a demon for the queen to slay.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
Anything else would be infidelity.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The warrior and the queen are not meant to be.
Will you stay through Christmas? What the actual fuck? [SIGHS.]
Just keep editing the stuff out that we don't want to see.
Until when? The show is seven minutes long.
And it's PBS.
It's not like we could pad it with commercial breaks.
And what happens when he goes live? How do we stop him from puking his off-brand lunacy all over his shoes, and your shoes, - and our shoes? - Don't worry.
We're not gonna let that happen.
Oh, so he's not gonna host it this year? Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck! [MARSHA.]
The National Tree Lighting.
I think it's on CBS this year.
That'll be what, 10 million people watching? How did December get here so quickly? [WARM MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
It's not about the money.
It's never been about the money, Gregory.
It's about doing the right thing.
$42,000 is a lot of debt for a woman in her thirties.
She has medical bills.
This'll help her heal.
[GREGORY.]
As your accountant, I can only recommend what's fiscally responsible.
Maybe we just pay off the Discover card.
Just pay it all, please.
[GREGORY.]
She's lucky to have a friend like you.
We all are.
Good-bye.
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
["CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING" WITH BING CROSBY.]
When I'm feeling blue And when I'm feeling low Then I start to think about The happiest man I know He doesn't mind the snow And he doesn't mind the rain But all December you will hear him At your windowpane God bless you gentlemen God bless you If you haven't got a friendly cat May God bless you Christmas is a-coming And the cider's in the keg If I had a mug of cider
Previously on Kidding Maddy! Piano time! I'll take her.
Did you hand-fuck my husband? So what's your second-favorite instrument? [ATONAL SQUEAKING.]
ToyCo has been begging us for a talking Jeff doll.
This year, we're finally gonna give it to them.
We're talking the hottest Christmas gift of the season.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
Vivian's not doing well.
My name is Viva Lost Pages.
What's one more Jeff? There's a difference between Mr.
Pickles-san of Japan, or Monsieur Cornichon du France, or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
[ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sayonara.
[ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[DIRECTOR.]
Katto! [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[APPLAUSE.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Arigatou.
Arigatou.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Hai, arigatou gozaimasu.
Kintsugi.
Pickles-san [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[OLD PICKLES-SAN.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[WARBLING ELECTRONIC MUSIC.]
[PLANE ENGINES ROARING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[BOTH.]
Whoa.
I see.
- Whoa.
- Ah.
I'm gonna need a tutorial.
First, what you need to do is just tap the icon.
Put in the name of the person you want to FaceTime.
This is gonna be awesome.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[VIVIAN.]
Whoa.
[SIGHS.]
This is my friend Vivian.
She wasn't healthy enough to make the trip.
She wanted to see the ocean.
Hello, Vivian.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[VIVIAN LAUGHS.]
The ocean makes the sunset look so special, but you make it spectacular.
The sun is getting jealous.
You're welcome.
Dolphins! Dolphins.
Do you see the dolphin? There's a dolphin.
Hey.
We need to talk before he gets here.
Okay.
You first.
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I feel that if it would make you happier, for M-Maddy to take piano again, then she should take piano, and I'll just deal with it.
Oh.
She seemed happier.
I don't think that's true.
Plus, she's getting so good at clarinet.
- [MADDY.]
I am? - Yes, honey.
I just think she may have liked piano better, and if her heart is set on piano, then you just you can't change someone's heart.
I think piano was just a phase.
You do? - [MADDY.]
It was? - Yes, sweetheart.
I think she was confused.
She was born a clarinet player.
Piano's just this weird choice she made.
She was never really committed to piano.
She she probably wishes she never took piano in the first place.
[MADDY.]
Was I not good at piano? - It was awful.
- Dee Dee, from now on, we are strictly a clarinet family.
I am committed to making this a clarinet family.
[MADDY.]
You guys need to be more supportive of my dreams.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[EASYGOING MUSIC.]
Konnichiwa.
[LAUGHS.]
Konnichiwa.
- Pikurusu-san desu.
- [SCOTT.]
Maddy? This is Mr.
Pickles-san.
He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks and then bring back what he learned to Japan.
And occasionally babysit.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Oh, I'm I'm sorry Jeff couldn't host you.
His living situation isn't optimal to board guests right now.
My English I Mm Not amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Sado-Shimi.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sado-Shimi? Sou.
Sado-shimi.
- [MADDY.]
Thank you.
- [PICKLES-SAN.]
Thank you.
Arigatou.
[JEFF.]
I have a message, all right, but I don't know if they're gonna like it.
We're ready to record whenever you're ready.
Okay.
All of history travels on the human voice.
Amplified, it can shear a man in half, sentence 2 million Polish Jews to Dachau, or spread the Book of Matthew from Mount Zion to a Roman river.
Thousands of malleable minds will rip this doll off the shelf, and I don't know if they'll see it as a god or gremlin.
But I won't drop nightshade into children's ears.
Um, so, I don't think we're allowed to stray from the approved script.
I'd like to, if that's all right.
[WOMAN.]
Of course.
What do you want to say? [JEFF.]
Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar? No, I don't like those words.
They scare the dirt off of me.
Well, maybe they'll be less scary if we explain what they mean.
[JEFF.]
Allahu akbar is an expression that means a lot of different things.
[JEFF.]
Mainly, it's used as a greeting, like we say "Hello," "good-bye.
" [AS UKE-LARRY.]
Or "aloha"? That's right, Uke-Larry.
So if we went to Hawaii, we could say, "Aloha-u akbar.
" Um Sure.
Allahu akbar.
Forced to leave their homes at gunpoint and march on foot with whatever they could carry.
It led to the deaths of over 20,000 Indigenous Americans.
"Indigenous"? Indigenous.
[JEFF.]
That means they were here first.
The Cherokees called this the Trail of Tears.
Oops.
That's right, Oops.
Even governments make mistakes.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Disconnect the teleprompters.
I did.
That's just him talking.
[RABBI EPSTEIN.]
Grace and I wrote him a powerful scene in which Snagglehorse goes apple-picking, and he wrote, "Despair is an eagle.
" [RABBI EPSTEIN.]
What does that mean? Without a diverse group of meaningful relationships, we can't see certain populations as actual people, and we subconsciously tune them out.
[JEFF.]
And your depression is something you should never be afraid to talk about with the people you love, because if they really love you They'd tell you that Ronald McDonald wants to walk our black youth into a food desert and leave them there without their pants on, because he wants to charge you for water and he wants to charge you to pee.
Don't expect compliments from an insecure person.
Too many people think this country's a stone-cold gray corpse, but it's not.
It's a living, breathing organism.
And we've got to keep kicking it to make sure it's alive.
Yee-haw! For every 90 minutes of footage we shoot, only 12 are borderline usable, and that's before we cut out the veiled Marxism and songs about genocide.
[JEFF YELLING.]
Whoo hoo! The show was right there beneath the surface the whole time [BOTH GASPING.]
I thought it was an end, but it was just a rust oxidized over the beginning.
Sorry.
I forgot my eyeballs.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Thank you.
Allahu akbar.
Good night.
He can do whatever he wants.
Say whatever he wants.
Maybe I want to look in a lens and scream a little.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Not that they'd let me near a camera.
Sometimes, I I'm Soap Scum's limp right hand, and even then, it's obscured by a shower curtain that I created in my dorm room.
[AMERICAN ACCENT.]
The true artist is both victim and warrior.
You speak English? I'm not speaking English.
[WONDROUS MUSIC.]
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Oh.
What makes your puppets special is the life you put inside of them, not the people hiding behind them.
What's your real name, Pickles-san? Mm, who I was doesn't matter.
I'm Pickles-san now, always and forever.
Maybe we both like to hide.
I hide from myself all the time.
I think that's why I married Scott.
He's I didn't want to know myself, so I chose a man who could never know me.
He's the one who wanted kids.
I only exist for other people: Maddy and Scott and Jeff and my dad and It's easy to exist for them, because I don't know how to exist for myself.
I don't know how to want.
I'd rather bleed in front of a doll than live in front of my family.
That's how I grew up.
We are a family who loves from afar.
But loving others from afar means what they give you in return is always at a distance.
I'm better from afar.
I'm all scars up close.
You know of kintsugi? Hm? It is the practice of making art by breaking something special and gluing it back together with gold.
Your scars do not mean you are broken.
They are proof you are healed.
Breaking is healing.
Kintsugi.
Kintsugi.
I don't want you to think that I chose somebody who wouldn't be alive very long because I thought we were gonna get back together.
I didn't think that.
Usually, when your husband starts dating a younger woman, it reminds you of your mortality.
Not this time.
I'm sorry if my actions hurt you in any way.
Hey, I found my next relationship in a hospital hallway.
Maybe I led by example.
When I first saw Peter, it was like watching the "Challenger" explode, but you knew what you needed, and he put so much color back in your cheeks.
Thank him for me.
Jeff, you know, nine times out of ten, when someone walks through that doorway, they've just gotten the worst news that they will ever get in their life.
So it would be best for her if you could find a way to convey that her struggle is your struggle.
We still have to deal with Thursday.
I'd like you to come over to Dee Dee's, bring Peter.
You open to that? - Yeah.
- Mm.
That was easier than I thought it would be.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.
The second line of treatment pushed my white blood cell count past the point of remission.
I'm in remission.
[LAUGHS.]
I love you so much.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, my God.
I have so many credit cards to pay off.
[HUMS.]
I am so, so happy to hear the good news about your health.
Thank you.
I'm Vivian, by the way.
I'm Seb.
[CONVIVIAL INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
["HOW WOULD THEY KNOW" BY MARGARET LEWIS PLAYING.]
You say Scarlet's my name Arigatou.
Put that back.
No, no, we don't do that.
[PETER.]
Oh, man! [LAUGHTER.]
I think it's a miracle.
If she's okay, Jeff's okay.
If Jeff's okay, everything's normal again.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PETER.]
You think your sister would let us watch the National Dog Show? I didn't know you followed the Natties.
My nana bred two runners-up and one that just plain broke her heart.
I midwifed the 2003 Best In Group terrier.
I mean, I say that.
Really, I was just passing through the kitchen at the wrong time.
What about last year's spaniel surprise? Jaunty, yes.
Jovial, yes.
Champion? No, sir.
I feel the schnauzers are under-coifed and overlooked.
Ever since the Scandinavians started breeding them, I've been thinking, "When is their moment?" Thank you.
My dad used to have a drawer full of jigsaw puzzles.
Now he has a drawer full of condoms.
Mm, my mom thinks I'm drinking grape juice, but really, it's wine.
[WILL.]
I'm going to start the magic show.
Okay, honey.
[LAUGHS.]
I said I'm going to start the magic show.
Whatever.
[DEIRDRE.]
Do you still say your prayers? [DEIRDRE LAUGHS.]
But but wait.
What do you say? Most of America eats turkey today, but my family eats lasagna, too, because I'm Italian.
Do you like it? [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Arigatou.
You know, I had the best blowjob of my life on the bullet train to Kyoto.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
Sucky, sucky.
Train, train.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
- Hm? - Fellatio.
Yes.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's to fellatio.
Blowjob.
Show me the charcoal under-rub of a Swedish show dog, and I will show you the infinite potential of canine husbandry.
That's right, Schnauzer.
Trot that circle.
Alvin-Britches Dropbottom Delight did not come to play with you haughty bitches! [LAUGHS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
Vivian keeps talking about us zip-lining through Honduras and seeing the fish rain.
You will never forget the first time you get kamikaze'd by a red snapper.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Sorry, Pickles-san.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Deirdre spent a lot of time in Belize, working with local populations.
Ah.
I mean, I've only used my passport once.
The pain meds are cheaper in Toronto.
[SEB.]
Oh! [DEIRDRE.]
So when are you guys thinking of going? I was thinking midsummer, right, Viv? - Mm-hm.
- Could I come? [JILL.]
Will, sometimes, couples like to travel together.
Alone.
No, no, no.
The more, the merrier.
[DEIRDRE.]
I want to go.
We have never taken a vacation as a family.
We should talk about this closer to June.
I want to go to Costa Rica.
I guess all of us could go.
Oh, whoa, I'm in you know, if invited.
And Scott could totally plan this.
My husband is a corporate travel agent.
This would be his Olympics.
Logistics are my aphrodisiac.
[SEB.]
What if I pay for the whole trip? The Pickles take Honduras.
You don't have to do that.
Could we stay in another place with chocolate-covered fruit? Can I room with Grandpa? We make T-shirts for everybody.
"Out of the Way: Pickles on Vacay.
" I'll ask Derrell to plan tomorrow.
[SCOTT.]
Seb, this many people, different last names, hotel rooms? Let me handle this.
I'm going alone.
You're right.
We don't have to take the whole family.
It can just be us.
Um, no.
I was gonna tell you later.
I bought a ticket, and I'm going next week, by myself.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
I'm sorry, Jeff.
- Just everything that - [SIGHS.]
changed when everything changed, and I get to start over.
[VIVIAN.]
I look at you, and I see the man who saved my life.
But I also see cancer and death.
I look at you, you remind me of death.
[VIVIAN.]
And I have this gift of time, and, you know, this us it made sense when time was running out.
Now that I can plan ahead, I'm sorry.
Those plans don't involve you.
I'm sorry.
They can't.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
I'm happy for you.
Fuck you! Yeah, fuck you! Fuck you, cunt! - [MADDY.]
Yeah, fuck you! - [SCOTT.]
Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you! Fuck you! [JILL.]
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [ALL BUT JEFF.]
Fuck you! Fuck you! There's no chemo for dengue! [DOOR CLOSES.]
["CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING" WITH BING CROSBY.]
When I'm feeling blue And when I'm feeling low Then I start to think about The happiest man I know He doesn't mind the snow And he doesn't mind the rain But all December you will hear him At your windowpane A-singing again and again and again And again and again and again Christmas is a-coming And the bells begin to ring The holly's in the window and the birds begin to sing Now I don't take time to worry And don't take time to fret And the more you give at Christmastime The more you'll get [RABBI EPSTEIN.]
The line is "Welcome to Pickle Barrel Falls, Viva Lost Pages.
Your new forever home.
" Just give me a second.
I can do it.
We don't have to do this today.
Mm We don't have to keep Viva Lost Pages around if it's just gonna dredge up painful memories.
[SIGHS.]
A woman is gonna live.
That's nothing short of spectacular.
I don't really have an excuse to come in here, but you can't understand me anyway, unless I'm holding a puppet.
- I just - [SPEAKING JAPANESE.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
May I tell you the sad and sordid tale of a queen enslaved by the demon locked in her vulva, and the warrior with a steel penis whoosh who destroyed this demon? Yes, please.
[JEFF.]
Have you ever met a new friend that feels like an old friend? This is Viva.
[JEFF.]
A new friend.
And Viva, this is Ennui and Maestro Fermata, your new friends.
They'll probably feel like old friends.
Do you have any books on tartines? Or Mozart? I feel lost.
[JEFF.]
You're not lost.
You're home, and you can stay in Pickle Barrel Falls for as long as you want.
- [WOMAN.]
All done? - Thanks.
[VIVA.]
Forever? [JEFF.]
That's a long time, but sure.
You get to stay forever.
[BITTERSWEET MUSIC.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The great warrior fought his way guard by guard until he made his way to the queen's tower.
[GRUNTS.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
But just before she could embrace him [IMITATES FANFARE.]
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The king arrived on his horse.
Wait, how are you [PICKLES-SAN.]
Please, don't touch it.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The old ruler explained the door to the castle had always been open, and it was the queen who had locked herself away.
[DISAPPOINTED GRUNT.]
- Where's warrior going? - [PICKLES-SAN.]
Home.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The great warrior understood this was a demon for the queen to slay.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
Anything else would be infidelity.
[PICKLES-SAN.]
The warrior and the queen are not meant to be.
Will you stay through Christmas? What the actual fuck? [SIGHS.]
Just keep editing the stuff out that we don't want to see.
Until when? The show is seven minutes long.
And it's PBS.
It's not like we could pad it with commercial breaks.
And what happens when he goes live? How do we stop him from puking his off-brand lunacy all over his shoes, and your shoes, - and our shoes? - Don't worry.
We're not gonna let that happen.
Oh, so he's not gonna host it this year? Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck! [MARSHA.]
The National Tree Lighting.
I think it's on CBS this year.
That'll be what, 10 million people watching? How did December get here so quickly? [WARM MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
It's not about the money.
It's never been about the money, Gregory.
It's about doing the right thing.
$42,000 is a lot of debt for a woman in her thirties.
She has medical bills.
This'll help her heal.
[GREGORY.]
As your accountant, I can only recommend what's fiscally responsible.
Maybe we just pay off the Discover card.
Just pay it all, please.
[GREGORY.]
She's lucky to have a friend like you.
We all are.
Good-bye.
[DISQUIETING MUSIC.]
["CHRISTMAS IS A-COMING" WITH BING CROSBY.]
When I'm feeling blue And when I'm feeling low Then I start to think about The happiest man I know He doesn't mind the snow And he doesn't mind the rain But all December you will hear him At your windowpane God bless you gentlemen God bless you If you haven't got a friendly cat May God bless you Christmas is a-coming And the cider's in the keg If I had a mug of cider