Kirstie (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

1 Frank: "Kirstie" is taped before a live studio audience.
What are you doing in Arlo's room? Uh, you forget, this used to be my wrapping room, and I have to wrap something.
- What? - My date's penis.
I'm looking for a spare condom, okay? Didn't we just get you a case a few weeks ago? What do you want from me? I gave up gluten.
- What's going on in here? - We're looking for something.
Oh.
Well, here, let me help.
Well, it's not in there.
What are we looking for, anyway? - Hey.
- Oh, Arlo, you're home.
What happened to my pillow? Well, you see, a gentleman caller stopped by and Blanche Dubois was looking for a rubber.
Oh.
So a condom, huh? Uh, well, let's see here.
Nope, guess I'm fresh out.
Been on a bit of a booty bender lately.
Oh, my God, you haven't had sex, have you? [High-pitched.]
What? Where'd you get that? Because no one who's had sex calls it "booty bender.
" Nor does their voice go up six octaves.
Your kid's a virgin.
Doesn't get more ironic than that.
But, Arlo, you want to do it, right? No, I prefer to stay a misunderstood loner.
No, of course I want to do it.
I just get really shy and awkward around girls.
Oh.
We're more alike than I thought.
There's many times that I've gotten shy and awkward around the opposite sex.
Hey, Maddie, you ready to go? I'm locked and loaded.
Aye, aye, Captain.
She's just not shy and awkward during fleet week.
[Upbeat jazz music.]
Season 1, Episode 7 "Like a Virgin" Thelma, you know I sign my own autographs.
26 years old and still a virgin.
The Elephant Man lost it before that.
Come on, lots of guys his age have waited to how do I put this delicately? Bury their salami in a lady sandwich.
Remind me not to have salami for lunch.
So how old were you when you went to your first deli? 24 and change.
Wow, why'd you wait so long? Well, I planned on waiting forever.
I was in Seminary.
But I took this trip to Vegas to spread the gospel when I met her.
Chesty Volpone.
She was a showgirl, you know? Not to be confused with Chesty Volpone, the poet laureate.
Anyway, after a couple glasses of the blessed grape, she pulled me under the all-you-could-eat buffet, and, boy, did I.
Wow, 24.
Oh, I take it you were a tad younger? Uh, a tad.
I just turned 16.
I was doing summer stock.
The show was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
I did six of 'em.
My next show was 12 Angry Men.
I almost ended up in the hospital.
Good evening, one and all Both: Hi, Brittany.
Maddie, I brought you some tea.
I noticed you looked a little peaked after the matinee.
Are you sure you're okay to go on tonight? You're not going on for me, Brittany.
Of course not, you little trouper.
You can still have the tea if you want.
You're trying to drug me again, aren't you? Good-bye, one and all Both: Bye, Brittany.
This Arlo thing is all my fault.
If I had raised him, he would've lost it to a teacher, like a normal kid.
I have missed so many milestones in his life.
Well, there's nothing you can do about this one.
You can't help him lose his virginity.
I really, really, really hope.
How about if I take the kid out tonight while you're doing the show? I'll be his wingman.
You know, all he needs is a little confidence.
That's a great idea.
And, Frank, do not get him a hooker.
And if you do, and I find out, you've got to let me reimburse you.
You.
- You come here a lot? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm a regular.
- Hey, Smokey, the usual.
- Banana daiquiri with an umbrella.
Yeah, yeah.
And one for the kid.
And throw in one of those little plastic swords if you got one.
So, Arlo, you know, this whole virgin thing.
I mean, you've done some stuff with a girl, right? Man, is this why you asked me out for a drink? No, no, no.
Yes.
So have you ever done this? Draw a stick figure with an erection? Not since third grade.
Well, now, don't sass me, boy.
I'm just trying to help you find someone.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Yee-haw! Who feels like fightin'? Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
Listen, I know you're just trying to help, but I really don't think that this is the type of place where I'm gonna meet someone.
Why not? I mean, there are some nice women here.
Nice, sad, drunk, desperate women.
Hey, yo, you like my friend here? - Not really.
- Oh, okay.
Well, you just keep drinking, lady, 'cause we're gonna catch up with you later.
- Okay, I'm just gonna call it a night.
- No, no.
We just got here.
Look, if you're not good at approaching women, we're gonna get them to approach you.
- How? - You see that mechanical bull? Two minutes on that, and the ladies will be a-flockin'! I'm not getting on that thing.
I'll kill myself.
- Watch, I'm gonna go first.
- You know how to ride that? Do I know how to ride that? Guess we'll find out.
Frank, are you okay? Never better.
Who's Frank? Look, it's me! - Have a good show tonight.
- You too, Jeffrey.
And since we're on the subject, you know what makes for a bad show? You upstaging me, like you've been doing during my monologue for the last three nights.
I'm sorry, Jeffrey.
I'll be careful not to do that.
That's it? No throwing lipstick? No telling me to shove anything? - What's the matter, Maddie? - I'm fine.
Nothing's wrong.
Maddie, I am not only your co-star and de facto acting teacher.
I am a friend.
You can share anything with me.
Well, I've been having this problem with Arlo.
Well, sounds like you got a real handle on it.
Oh, and during my monologue, quiet as a church mouse.
Jeffrey! I didn't happen to leave a pair of my panties in your dressing room last night? - No.
- Maybe tomorrow night.
Oh, uh, Brittany, could you come in my dressing room for a minute? I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm ready.
I can go on.
- No, I don't need you to go on, Brittany.
- Oh, of course not.
Oh, you never miss a performance.
You're like that old plow horse that refuses to roll over and die.
So why'd you want to see me? Actually, I wanted to ask you a favor.
Oh.
You've given pleasure to pretty much every straight chorus boy from Phantom to Mamma Mia!, right? How dare you? There are no straight chorus boys in Mamma Mia! My point is, I know you're generous with your love, and oh I can't even believe I'm asking you this.
- Could you ever consider - Hang on, sister.
I don't do girl-on-girl anymore.
That was a one-time deal, 'cause I really wanted to be in Pippin.
No, it's not for me.
It's for my son.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I was hoping that you might be able to help him lose his virginity.
- Gross! What kind of person - And then I would let you go on for me.
What would I be if I didn't do a favor for my buddy? Okay.
So tell me, what's he into? Kink? S&M? Rough trade? No, no, no, no.
Don't don't scar him.
It's his first time.
Just give him something off the kids' menu.
Got it.
So when do I get to go on for you? - Um, Wednesday matinee.
- Saturday night.
- Thursday night.
- Saturday night.
- Friday night.
- By the way, is your kid hot? Saturday night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know anyone else was in here.
Yeah, I'm just waiting for my mother.
Oh, you must be Maddie's boy.
She didn't tell me how ruggedly handsome you are.
Wow, you're what I like to call Friday night and Saturday night handsome.
Thanks.
I've never heard that phrase before.
I'm Brittany.
Your mother didn't feel well after the matinee, so she went home.
I'm going on for her tonight.
I guess I should get going then.
Where's the fire, fireman? You know, sometimes I get a little nervous before a performance and need help relieving the tension.
- Know what I mean? - Not really.
Seriously? Oh, ow, ow.
I-I think I pulled a muscle in my thigh.
Got any lotion? I think I have some sunblock in my fanny pack.
Don't speak.
Just unzip me.
I need help trying on my costumes.
Oh, there's a boob! Are you trying to seduce me? Yes, but you're not making it very easy.
I could get Neil Patrick Harris in bed faster than you.
Hey, any sign of Arlo yet? Not yet.
I think Operation Cherry Buster might be working.
- And you're welcome.
- For what? It was my idea to use my understudy.
You obviously came up empty at the bar.
I gave him confidence.
I loosened up the jar.
Not to mention my hip.
Oh, brownies.
Ah-ah-ah, not for you.
These are medicinal.
They're for my hip.
So you're definitely not going in tonight, right? Because once I bite into one of these, the only thing I'm driving is the psychedelic express.
Knock yourself out.
I'm gonna go lock the terrace door in case you try to fly again.
Frank, my man! How's my bud? Good, good.
How's it going with you? I had the most awesome afternoon.
I met this incredible girl, and we seriously hit it off.
Twice, if you know what I mean.
I had sex with her twice.
Once, and then again.
I get it, I get it.
Congratulations.
- You got a girl.
- No.
No, Frank.
Not just a girl an angel.
I'm telling you, man.
She's the one.
I'm in love.
Love? - Oh, can I have one? - Nuh-uh! Only with a prescription! Jeffrey, it's me.
I'm so sorry I had to call in sick tonight.
Oh, you're not here? I thought I saw you.
Oh, wait, that was just moose the stagehand.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm not there.
Brittany's going on for me tonight.
I hope you have all your shots.
Maddie, Maddie, Maddie! We have trouble.
What's wrong? Well, Arlo he came home, and he did it with that Brittany girl.
Yes! My little boy's a man.
And it's all because of me.
I cannot believe you went through with this.
You've actually hit a new low.
A mother wouldn't even do this on Game of Thrones.
Will you listen to me? They didn't just do the deed.
Arlo he thinks he's in love with her.
What? And he thinks that Brittany is in love with him.
- Well, why would he think that? - Because apparently, she told him that.
What? That isn't the deal we made.
I told that skank to give my son a quickie.
Tell me again how you didn't get the cover of Redbook.
Frank, get the car.
- We're going to the theater! - Sure.
You know, we better hurry before these things take effect.
You know what? We better hurry before these things take effect.
I don't have a green thumb.
I was lucky enough to get a green card.
- Maddie! What are you doing here? - Deal's off, bitch! - You're not going on! - What? Why? Because you told my son you loved him! The poor kid's at home right now, making plans for your future.
Oh, so maybe I improvised a bit in the heat of the moment.
I don't just phone in my performance like some people! There's a knock.
Is there someone at the door? There's my cue.
Owen Winchester.
As I live and breathe! Elizabeth? My God, what's it been? - 15 years? - Oh, don't look at me.
I must look a wreck after my travel.
Let me just powder my nose.
I believe this reunion calls for a drink.
[Thudding.]
What do you say? Still partial to apple Brandy? You remember.
I can't believe it, Elizabeth.
You haven't changed A bit.
I'm dying to catch up, Owen.
Let me just tell my driver to put my luggage in my room.
I believe Victoria has put us in adjoining bedrooms.
[Thudding.]
I trust that won't be a problem.
Perhaps aunt Vicki is hoping to rekindle something.
Something that is long gone.
Then, would a dear friend care to go on the balcony and reminisce about old times? Of course.
Tell me what you've been up to.
I want to hear everything.
- Well, once we parted ways - Aah! I decided to lick my wounds in Europe, and one afternoon in Parc de Bercy, I heard a familiar laugh.
I turned, and it was Catherine.
Can you imagine? 5,000 miles from home.
Aah! Of all the arrondissements, she had to pick Le douzieme.
[Laughs.]
- So you're really leaving? - For three years? Maybe even longer.
- I don't understand.
- I'm as shocked as you are.
But how often does one get the opportunity to play children's theater in Alaska? I don't know how to tell you this, Brittany, but I can't go with you.
- I'm just getting my life started here.
- Oh, thank God.
I mean, thank God we'll always have that magical afternoon to remember.
I had so many plans for us, but it seems like we'll only have time for one last kiss good-bye.
Or better yet, what if our last kiss were A fist bump? Both: Pshh.
Good-bye, one and all I can't believe she's gone.
Oh, I know.
It hurts.
But you never forget your first love.
- Who was yours? - No idea.
Hey.
Arlo's still not up? Hope he didn't lie awake all night, pining over Brittany.
Yeah, that little half-pint tramp.
She served her purpose, but I'm sure he's not thinking about her anymore.
Nah.
It's hard to stop thinking about your first.
I still dream about Chesty Volpone.
Well, why don't you try and track her down? - You used to be a detective.
- Yeah, until I lost my license.
What'd you do? Ruffle some feathers? Blow the whistle on the corrupt chief? No, I literally forgot to renew my license.
But you're right.
I should see if I can track her down.
Now, to put my detective hat on.
Yeah, in Las Vegas, connect me to the Golden Nugget.
Now, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but about 37 years ago, you had a showgirl named Chesty Volpone.
Yeah, I'll hold.
- She still works there.
- Get out.
Bet they call her Droopy Volpone by now.
My God.
I bet she has enormous benefits.
Hello, Chesty.
Yeah, I'm sure you don't know who this is, but yeah! [Laughs.]
It's Frank.
What? No, I didn't say I was gonna call you.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
All right, now, calm down.
There's no need to use language like that, Chesty.
No, you shove it! You shove it! Man, I should've married that girl.
Morning.
Oh, hi, sweetie.
How you doing? I'm doing fine.
Hey, Arlo, I just want you to know, it's really tough, losing someone.
Yeah, even harder moving forward, especially when it's your first time.
But you know what? There will be other girls, and in time Hey, Arlo? Thanks for last night.
Call me? Uh, definitely.
I'll walk you out.
Well, I see clearly that he has a type.
Dirty little whores.