Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e07 Episode Script

1
Are you ready to meet
the Sexiest Villain Alive?
Because Helen Villigan
is ready to crown 'em.
The nominations are in
for the eighth annual
Villigans Sexiest Villain
Alive awards!
Ugh! Look at that.
They're treating
villains like steaks.
These sexy awards shows are
so reductive.
Ooh, the rumor mill is humming.
Who will be this year's winner?
Will it be "the good"?
As in six-time SVA champ,
Lex Luthor?
It's seven.
Just kidding, Lex.
We know it's seven.
Or could it be "the bad"?
As in, Gotham's newest
bad boy, Beast Mode.
Fuck, yeah! I'mma serve
them up some Beast-a-la-Mode!
Laff Trak gets it. Shots!
Ooh, Glider.
Your boyfriend's moving up in the world.
He is not my boyfriend.
What happened to you, Chuck?
Seems the last few days or so,
he's been a little too cool for school.
He's insufferable.
God, I hope he loses.
Who cares?
It is a vapid,
meaningless contest.
Or will it be "the ugly"?
Like this year's
dark horse nominee, Bane!
Holy shit!
I'm nominated?
That's fucking amazing.
You guys really think
I can win?
Not in that outfit.
And the winner will be unveiled
tomorrow night at the Legion of Doom,
hosted by yours truly,
presented by Villigans.
They name-checked Lex, Bane,
and Beast Mode,
but what about Moe Dubelz?
I already got a nice tuxedo
picked out for us.
I'm not going
with you to the awards.
The fuck are you talking about?
If I'm going,
you're obviously going with me.
I'm going with you,
but not with you.
I have a date.
Uh-uh. Don't give me that look.
We're not a thing.
At best, we're conjoined twins
who fool around sometimes.
Oh, that's bullshit.
If you got a date,
then I'm bringing one too.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Greetings, losers.
- Ugh!
- Kite! Uh, Beast, uh, Man Mode.
Isn't it cool that we are both in
the running for Sexiest Villain Alive?
Yeah.
You may be in the running,
but everyone's
gonna run from you,
'cause you look
like a dummy. Whuppah!
Grumble, grumble.
You're literally just
saying the word, "grumble."
Shuffles off angrily!
Listen, Chuck, we need to talk.
Yeah, we do.
Been rethinking our biz strat.
We can't keep catering
to broke losers.
We need to attract
Euro club kids with loose cash.
What? No, I own
50% of Noonan's.
We're not changing it!
No. You own 50% of Club Libido,
'cause I already changed it
to that in my head.
Get out of here, douchebag!
- Now!
- I'm rubber. You're glue.
Whatever you say,
bounces off me and sticks to you.
Whuppah!
- You're an asshole.
- And you have a bloody nose.
- I do not have a bloody--
- Whuppah!
Oh! You fucking prick.
Oh, is that any way to talk
to the Sexiest Villain Alive?
Smell you later!
- Sexiest Villain Alive?
- We'll see about that.
I mean, I thought "grumble,"
was a pretty good comeback.
- You come with me.
- Hmm?
Where are we going?
To a town called,
"Whole New You."
Population You!
I hate Beast Mode.
What twisted ass-dick power
did they give Chuck?
The pantsing, the "I'm rubber,
you're glue"-ing,
the bloody nose.
That's a sure sign,
Kite Man got the douchebag power.
Well, how do I get him back?
I can't get through to him.
Then you better find
someone who can.
If this goes on much longer, the Kite Man
you know will be gone for good.
I think I know just the person.
Forget it. And be still,
Reginald, you fatty.
Chuck spent his whole life
trying to impress you.
God knows why.
I think maybe you can get him
to give up this stupid power.
But to do that, I'd have
to spend time with him. Pass.
Do it, and I'll
personally guarantee
that Chuck won't call,
text, or email you for a whole year.
Mmm. All right,
soft accept. I'm in.
Ooh, sexy guy!
- Ooh!
- First of all,
don't pretend to walk
in slow motion.
It makes you look thirsty.
Remember, Bane.
You wear the suit,
it doesn't wear you.
But I I I
Do I look good?
You look fantastic.
If I were a six, instead of a Miami nine,
which is an Atlanta 11,
you'd be in trouble
right now, mister.
Okay.
Nice baby.
Let me know if you need
another one.
Up top!
Hey, Man-Bat!
I saw your last fight.
I've seen better kicks
at Riverdance Junior.
Oops! Two for flinching!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I've seen enough.
Chuck!
I have never been
more impressed.
My boy's an Alpha.
Please tell me there's
a spot on your entourage.
Are you kidding me, Darryl?
You're not a father.
You wouldn't understand
the joy of seeing your firstborn
throw a stranger through a window
just for fun.
Beast Pops gets it!
And for fuck's sake,
call me Beast Pops.
You're pathetic.
So you finally wanna feast mode
on some Beast Mode?
Help me, Glider.
'Cause let's just say
there's enough for seconds.
I don't think so.
Wait, what did you just say?
I said, my dick's too big.
Babe,
please make this stop.
Oh! Trying to get
a look at it?
Oh, Chuck! I'll do anything
to make it stop.
But how? Should we go
to Etrigan?
- Uh, let's go right now.
- Oh, yeah. As if.
How about you go to hell--
len Villigan.
She's the only one
Uh, Master Controller.
Her Her office can
change me back.
Side.
Your backside.
Turn around.
Let me check it out.
Hey, Beast Mode.
Wanna hit up a titty bar?
I'm a walking titty bar, Dad.
Don't know what that means,
but I have never loved
my son more.
- Aw!
- To the titty bar!
Helen-fucking-Villigan!
Oye! You lot, listen!
Prepare yourselves,
for the Sexiest Villain Alive
has arrived.
Business, business, turn, yeah.
Strut, strut, strut, strut.
Business, business, turn, yeah.
- Vacation guy, sexy, oh!
- Hmm, they're not responding
like he's the sexiest thing
they've ever seen.
Something's missing.
Yeah, chicken nuggets!
We're out, Mal,
and I'm kind of starving.
Just started at Villigan's
and had a long day of deliveries.
I'm trying
to help Bane be sexy.
Well, maybe, he'll be sexier
holding a chicken nugget.
Worth a shot!
Fine.
Gus, I'm going to turn
Beast Mode back into Kite Man.
I need the Master Controller
from Helen Villigan's office.
- How do I get in?
- Oh, that's easy.
Step one, be Helen Villigan.
Ow! I'm sorry.
That That one gets big yucks
at the fulfillment center.
Yeah, only Helen can
get into her office.
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, well, haven't you become
quite the man about town.
Yeah, and you know
what's 'ronic?
I got this power to be
good enough for Glider,
but now she's not even
good enough for me.
Oh, that is 'ronic.
You know what's
even more 'ronic?
I gave you the douchiest power
in the universe
so I could steal the most powerful thing
in the universe.
I don't think that tech fits
the definish of 'ronic,
but whatevs.
So, what are
you sellin', Helen?
Tonight, you will be crowned
Sexiest Villain Alive.
- Fingers crossed.
- No.
You will be the Sexiest
Villain Alive tonight.
Maybe. And you could be
a Minnesota six if you wore heels more.
Those flats are keeping
the merchandise on the bottom shelf.
Look, dummy,
I pick the winner and I picked you.
So tonight,
during your acceptance speech,
you will unload on Lex Luthor.
- Face or stomach?
- Oh, my God, you make this so hard.
I want Lex so furious
at you that he won't notice
anything else going on
in the room.
What if an elephant walks in?
He wouldn't notice.
With clothes on
and a bell on its tail?
While he's distracted,
I'm going to release
tiny hummingbird robots
that will find me
a very special briefcase
I've been looking for.
My infallible algorithm
tells me, Lex stole it,
and it will be
at the Legion of Doom tonight.
Hummingbirds are dumb.
Here's a better idea.
- Leopards.
- Leopards are too big.
Baby leopards then, real ones.
Just off the nippie of momma!
They need to be robots.
Fine, but leopards are
very trainable.
Good Lord!
What are the chances that
something this extraordinary
has been hiding
for who knows how long here?
This changes everything.
This changes everything.
What is in it?
Who gives a shit!
Darling, it's what's on
the outside that counts.
And this is
the perfect accessory.
It was under
the Chick-y Nuggets.
So, that's why
the handle is cold.
Which is ironic
because I have never been hotter.
I've got it,
yeah, yeah.
He's got it.
- Looks good, Bane.
- Damn, what a briefcase.
You look like
a successful businessman.
So, Baney. How do you feel?
Like, uh, like, uh
Like the Sexiest Villain Alive!
Now just let me do the talking.
I'm so glad you agreed
to see me on such short notice, Helen.
- Hmm.
- Mrs. Villigan.
I thought you left
for the awards.
And now she's back.
Is there a problem?
- Mmm.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Villigan.
- Of course not.
- Please go right in.
Not since my King Lear at the Jewish
Senior Center in Tallahassee
has an entrance been so divine.
My word.
The office where
Villigan's original content was green-lit.
So, what computational trinket
are we hunting?
Like I told you, we're looking
for her Master Controller, Clayface.
- Found it!
- That's a brush.
Hmm. Looks more like this. Oh!
Huh! Then this must be
the associate controller.
Oh, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Turn back into Helen.
This thing requires
a retinal scan.
Well, well, well.
The future of security is now.
Jesus Christ.
I said "retinal scan."
Ah! Retinal scan.
Rectal scan's two-eyed cousin.
Damn it!
This is the only thing that
can change Beast Mode back to Kite Man.
Why won't it scan
your dumb eyes?
Me.
Perhaps my attendance
at yesterday's eclipse watchers meeting
yields a clue.
Pro tip! It is ill-advised to stare
at the sun for 30 consecutive minutes.
Unless you want your retinas
as bald and chapped
as the ass
of Sir Patrick Stewart.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I kid not!
His ass is also bald.
But do not fret, Ms. Glider.
All you need are
Ms. Villigan's real eyes.
I feel sorry
for all these unsexy dweebs.
Oh! There is something so sexy about a man
with only one head on his body.
My head's not the only thing
made of wood, cutie.
Oh! The mouth on you.
I gotta tell you, Insect Queen,
that thorax is
turning my crank.
Aren't you just
a big block of honey?
Really? You're gonna sweet-talk
your egg-laying whore right in front of me.
Moe, you're gonna put up
with this shit from your other head?
Which, by the way,
your dating profile neglected to mention.
- You see what you caused?
- Me? This is my fault?
You know what?
If you don't want me around,
sayonara, motherfucker.
Whoa!
Have fun
with your six-legged freak.
- Says the head on the plate.
- Ladies!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We're all here to have a good time.
How about me and Moe grab us
some drinks, huh?
I see
you wondering, uh-huh.
Who is that fancy lad
with his shiny silk suit?
Well, let me tell you,
or rather,
let me spell it to you.
Hit it, Malice. Can do.
B-B-B "B" is For back off,
ladies Plenty of me to go around ♪
A-A-A "A" is for Aye ♪
I said, "Back off, ladies"
Seriously! ♪
Didn't you hear me
Say '"B"? ♪
"N"! "N" is
For not listening ♪
I said, "back off" ♪
Because I don't want you
To rip the new suit You know? ♪
Uh
E-E "E" is for, uh, uh
'Mergency
Yeah, yeah
"E" is for 'mergency, yeah ♪
As we are going to need
to call 'mergency services ♪
'Cause these ladies
just won't back off of me ♪
Exclamation point ♪
And that spells?
Bane!
Well, well, well. This is
some unexpected competish.
Forget Bane. Focus on Lex.
When you win, attack him.
Draw attention. So no one notices
my robot hummingbirds.
Still going with that, huh?
Beast Mode, we're doing shots!
More like the shots are
doing me!
How does he do it?
Eight in a row. Wow!
So unexpected.
Uh, I need to thank, Tanya.
You shine
my head, bright than--
Briefcase?
The Anti-Life Equation.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Love Cabernet.
It has such great body.
Fuck you, bitch!
The only reason I don't have a body is
because it got eaten by bugs.
- Probably your relatives.
- Mmm, hell, no.
Because they know better
than to eat a body before I had a taste.
So this thing with Moe,
is it serious?
I'll let you know
after I get him back to my hives.
So what? You take him to the hive,
fuck him and then--
Preserve him in dried honey
and eat him later?
Yes, please.
Hello, lady.
- Hi.
- Hope you're thirsty.
And here's some cannolis
from the bar.
Ooh! You eat 'em, Moe.
I like my men juicy
and diabetic.
Well, then, I guess
I'm just your type Two.
Oh, I get it. I get it.
How about we go
to my hive and I'll suck your brains out?
Check, please.
She means literally suck
your brains out, dummy.
That stupid man is
gonna get himself killed.
- Toy Man, you got a car?
- Kind of.
Bane, loved your cool song.
You're looking very spiffy.
Uh, don't get
any ideas, Lex.
The briefcase is mine.
Why are you
so protective of it?
I'm not a dummy.
I know what it is.
- The perfect accessory.
- The Anti-Life Equation.
Wait, wait.
What was your thing?
Uh, nothing.
I said "the perfect accessory."
No we spoke at the same time
and said different things.
And now you are trying
to cover.
Bane. Bane! Bane.
Why have we
never talked like this?
Sexy buddy to buddy.
Say, how would you like
a seat back at the big table,
The Legion of Doom?
There it is.
Not happening, Lex.
I'm not dropping out.
And when I win, I'll start my own legion
for only sexy people.
Eights and up.
But, like, real eights.
Not Milwaukee eights. Ugh!
I'm thinking of calling it,
The Legion of Damn!
Ow!
What does it mean to be sexy?
Some say sexy is an attitude.
The dictionary says--
It better say,
"Shut the fuck up, and announce the winner,
or you're going home
in a hearse."
And this year's
Sexiest Villain Alive is
Beast Mode!
Oh, yes, yes!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Do they not see
my banging new look?
This is bullshit.
Oh! All right.
Settle down. Wow!
Uh, first I just wanna say
there are no losers
here tonight.
Except for Lex and Bane,
and the rest of you fuckers.
Whuppah!
Oh, don't cry, Lex.
Oh, wait, are those tears
or just little pre-splooge.
Get it? 'Cause his head
looks like a dick?
The sickest burns
are the ones I call "splainers."
As in "splain to me
why your head looks like a dick."
Who the fuck does
he think he is?
Don't take the bait, Lex.
You'll just look
like an asshole.
You've got
classy taste there, babe.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll slip
into an exoskeleton.
They're more comfortable.
So, listen.
Uh, if you don't have
any plans Thursday,
- my sister and her husband--
- Shut up!
Too soon? I knew it.
It's just I'm 33--
Oh, baby.
Your antennas tickle.
Moe. Follow that
creepy laughing.
Whoa, baby.
That's a lotta honey.
Moe, you dumb fuck.
What the hell?
Stop! Change of plans.
Stupid bug.
You should've eaten my body
when you had the chance.
Point is, Lex, no one loves you
and you will die alone.
That's actually
a pretty good one.
What else? What else?
What other stuff
about Lex fucking sucks?
Well, I know we wanted
the award, Malice.
But perhaps
the real treasure was
the friends we made
along the way--
I can't even say it.
Yeah, I'm not friends
with losers.
Come on, Chessure.
Lex Luthor?
- More like "Sex pooper."
- Am I right?
Guards, seize Beast Mode.
Whuppah!
Whuppah!
Whuppah!
Get Get away from me,
you stupid humblebirds.
This is
my high fashion 'cessory.
Enough! Stop fucking around
and get me Bane's briefcase.
Hey, Bane. Quick question.
Why are you hitting
yourself? Whuppah!
This briefcase has brought me
nothing but despair!
Glider!
She wants me.
Helen, I think it's time
for your annual eye exam.
- Doctor?
- Yes!
'Tis I. A board-certified
optometrist.
Born poor to blind parents,
he vowed one day to find a cure--
Just fucking get her
to look at it.
You don't think
I know what that is?
I'm not looking at it.
Give me the briefcase.
No, give me the briefcase.
Nobody gets it, until Helen uses
this thing to bring Chuck back.
Give me the briefcase, Lisa.
And I'll do what you want.
She lies, Lisa.
Give me the briefcase.
Uh-oh Oh, God.
Don't make me--
Helen, Jesus Christ,
give her what she wants
before she kills us all.
She won't do that,
because it would kill
her precious Kite Man.
She can't control it.
If she gets too stressed out,
she'll blow!
Then allow me
to de-stress her.
Guards, initiate
ASMR playlist.
Golden Glider.
The sound you barely hear is
a hamster nibbling on a melon.
Something's different. I can--
It will relax you
against your will,
rendering your powers useless.
Well, this is new.
I don't know, Lex.
I'm feeling pretty relaxed
and yet in total control.
Uh
Oh! Ow!
Aw!
Anyone else think
this is funny?
Wait. Don't melt me.
I'll look at the damn thing.
Now close your left eye,
which is better?
- One or--
- Clayface!
We'll call it two.
What the shit? Someone is
in for a serious
Kiss on the lips
for loving
My huge dick
And I I'm
going
away forever!
Goodbye, Beast Mode.
No!
Chuck, is that you?
Hell, yeah.
Uh, what did I miss?
This Muah!
And this
And this!
So does he still get the award?
Help me guys here:
Hell, yeah! ♪