Koala Man (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

[stove clicking]
[sizzling]
epic music playing ♪
- Routine border check completed.
All clear.
- Don't worry, mate.
Nothing's out there, never is.
[creature snarling]
What the hell is that?!
[creature roaring]
[gasps]
[babbling in tongues]
plays dramatic chord ♪
Visions in my head ♪
I can see the end ♪
theme song playing ♪
Koala Kode 337:
Whoever's leaving hateful comments
on my subreddit,
bloody cut it out, alright?
[siren wailing]
[camera shutter clicking]
KOALA MAN: My God.
Those are real dead bodies, aren't they?
They're not fake at all.
That's why I called you here.
I know who did this.
I recognize their mark.
Those evil beaks, those dinosaur talons.
I fought against them a long time ago,
and still I cannot escape visions
from the war.
The Great Emu War!
[chuckles] That wasn't a real war.
- All due respect, Koala Man,
you weren't there.
The Australian government
ordered us to cull emus
that were breeding out of control,
but nobody expected
the emus to fight back.
[snarls]
[gasping]
- [emu roaring]
- Oh! No, no! Not my legs!
Not my legs, nooooo!
[emu shrieking]
- That evil emu took my legs that day,
but I took his eye.
Next morning, the military withdrew,
and humans and emus
settled into an uneasy peace.
But now something's drawn them out!
Don't you understand, Koala Man?
The war was never over!
Not for them. They'll kill us all!
I must warn Dapto
[crowd shouting, muttering]
- Now that I'm the second
most powerful girl in school,
you'd better watch your back,
Rosie Yodels.
I'm coming for you.
- [muttering continues]
- Remain calm, citizens!
I am here to alert you that we are
on the precipice of another Emu War!
[all laughing]
That wasn't a real war!
Yes, it was. Look it up.
In fact, let's just all do that
right now, go to Wikipedia
and type in "The Great Emu War."
- Holy fucking shit.
It's actually real!
- Shut ya gob, Koala Man.
We got nothing to be afraid of.
I fought thousands of animals on my show.
Any birds come near,
they're gettin' plucked.
[cheering]
Don't underestimate them, Dapto.
We have no idea when they'll attack next.
suspenseful keyboard music playing ♪
[crowd murmuring]
They will attack at dawn ♪
- Did he say dawn?
- But it's almost dawn right now.
- What are you talking about, sweetie?
Are you feeling okay?
[air-raid siren wailing]
[screaming]
[siren continues]
Look, emu!
Emu at the fence!
- Maxwell, you geezer, those dumb birds
can't get past our fence.
[plane engine roaring]
- It's a bird!
- It's a plane!
It's a flightless bird in a plane!
But we have a fence.
[projectiles whistling]
[screaming]
The emus have militarized!
[vehicle revving]
Goodbye, Rosie.
[screeching]
Uggh!
[screeching]
KOALA MAN: Maxwell!
- [straining] Go, Koala Man!
You're our only hope!
epic music rising ♪
[Maxwell screams, gun fires]
[planes buzzing overhead, guns firing]
You will pay for your sins, Dapto.
You will pay!
Hear me, humans.
I am General Peckmeister.
Once again, your kind has attacked us!
A vile human has
cracked the Royal Emu Egg.
We shall execute one Daptonian
on the hour, every hour,
until you give up the egg assassin!
[gun fires]
I almost hope you don't confess,
for I crave the taste of human blood.
I don't know if you know this, but I've
pecked before, and I will peck again!
[laughing maniacally]
contemplative
keyboard music playing ♪
LIAM:
We're all that's left of Dapto ♪
Yeah, it's a fact-o ♪
We're all that's left
of Daptooo ♪
[sobbing] We get it, little mate.
We're fuckin' fucked.
- Rosie?
I thought I saw the emus get you.
- I managed to get away.
Not that it's much better here.
[laughs] Soooo true.
- Listen up, everybody,
Principal Bazwell here, as you know.
Whomsoever destroyed that egg
should stop being a coward
and come forward.
We will all die
if the guilty party does not confess.
So the stakes are pretty high.
Thank you, everyone,
enjoy your day.
suspenseful music rising ♪
[gasps] Oh!
It's you.
You shouldn't have followed me.
- Vicky, you're my wife.
I know when something's up.
You can trust me.
I came here to destroy the evidence.
Vicky. Why?
- I was managing the canteen alone
and the children were so hungry
I had never seen an egg like it.
I don't know how it ended up
in the canteen.
I I swear I didn't know
it was the Royal Emu Egg.
I didn't mean to start a war!
I'm sorry!
Shhhh! It's okay. It's not your fault.
I must go on a solo mission
to parley with the emus.
But I promise I will fix everything.
For us, for the kids, for Dapto.
Swear you'll come back to me, Kevin.
I'll never leave you, Vicky.
After right now
when I do have to leave you.
[murmuring]
light music playing ♪
- I've never been able to nail
a fishtail braid.
Thanks, Alison.
Oh, my God! You know my name?
But you don't even follow me.
Course I know your name!
Soz, I've been pulling back
on social media.
It fuels people's obsession
with being perfect and popular.
But you are perfect and popular.
Every picture you post is flawless.
What's your secret?
- Hmm I guess the best way
to be popular is to be yourself.
Like, don't be fake, ya know?
- Hah. Yeah. I hate popularity too.
It's so intoxicating.
I mean, toxic.
Wow, Alison.
You really get me.
Let's take a pic.
Slutty freckle filter on.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Cool if I tag you?
- Yes!
I mean, uh, sure, whatever.
Ugh, why is she being so nice to me?
No, stick to the plan, Alison!
Eliminate Rosie.
I was right about the birds ♪
Are you listening to my words? ♪
Oi! Pipe down, little mate!
The future Liam sees ♪
Spider's about to sneeze ♪
[Spider sneezes]
[sniffs] Aw, bless me!
- Now hold on a minute.
How'd he do that?
- Ever since
the first outpost strike ♪
Visions of emus
appeared in my sight ♪
Voices in my head do squawk ♪
But are released through
the powers of prog rock! ♪
- [cheering]
- Fuck me dead, the boy has powers!
He can see into the future!
This is the advantage we need
to defeat the emus.
The lad's music can save Dapto!
[circuit breakers clang]
[babbling in tongues]
- Those damn birds cut the power!
He can't sing if he can't play music.
- If only we could access
North Dapto High's backup generator.
Uch. Alas, it's all the way
on top of Generator Tower,
which happens to be 102 meters high,
can only be reached via
a very rickety, unserviced ladder,
and can hardly bear the weight
of even a small year-seven girl.
It's a suicide mission
and only for the brave.
- I volunteer!
[Daptonians gasp]
And if I die I die for Dapto.
Wow, Rosie.
Not only are you popular,
you're also brave.
[cheering]
I volunteer too! To "protect" Rosie.
I'll allow this dangerous mission.
But, Alison, do take care of our Rosie.
It would be a tragedy
if anything were to happen
to the most popular girl in Dapto.
A tragedy, indeed
[plane engines revving]
KOALA MAN: General Peckmeister!
I come in peace.
[guns cock]
Wait, wait!
I have information
about the Royal Emu Egg. Please!
Well, I'll be stuffed!
Information, you say?
Seize the human!
Ugggh!
Take him to King Emudeus.
- I actually had a lot more
to say than that--
ah, okay,
I guess we're going now.
I'll tell you later, then.
I'll tell you later.
somber orchestral music playing ♪
[gasps]
[doors rumbling]
Huh, that's clever.
Don't sell this technology
at Harvey Norman, do they?
EMU: Shut your beak-less mouth!
epic music playing ♪
Uggh!
Welcome, Koala Man, to Emutopia!
epic music playing ♪
[wind whistling]
Come on, Alison! You can do it.
You're almost at the top!
[softly] I know I am.
[screams]
[Rosie groaning, Alison whimpering]
Y-you saved me.
Course I did, Alison!
Why would you do that?
Because you're my friend!
And I've learned
not to take friends for granted.
Like, McKayla Taylor Mercedes
went to jail,
Saucy Jr. got grilled,
and Sarah Sportsday got incinerated.
Weird how all my friends keep vanishing.
- Hee-hee. Soooooo weird.
- But I realize now that
all those friendships were fake.
Yet with you, I feel a real connection.
You're not like those other girls.
- You're real, Alison.
- I am?
I mean, I am!
You have such a pretty smile.
Ha! How cute.
I could just eat you both up.
[snarls]
[Rosie screams]
Yum-yum-yum! [snarls]
- This is it. I can finally be
the most powerful girl in Dapto.
Alison!
suspenseful music playing ♪
I've always loved children.
So tender. [chuckles]
Ugggh!
Leave my friend alone.
How dare you?!
[Maxwell screams]
This is for my legs, you bastard!
That's my good eye!
You saved me!
- Course I did.
You're my friend.
Now, let's save Dapto together.
[circuits clang]
[babbling in tongues]
Oh, sweetie, you're burning up!
By jingos! Our Rosie did it!
And also there was a girl next to her.
Sing, little mate, sing!
[cheering]
playing contemplative tune ♪
Let the music flow ♪
My vocals are back ♪
So jam along if you know ♪
Together ♪
We can make those birds quack ♪
- That's it! We must amplify
his psychic prog rock powers.
Let's get this boy a band!
Give us a sick bass line, Spider!
Didn't you shred back in the day?
I guess I know a few scales.
playing heavy metal riff ♪
- Never played an instrument before,
but suppose I could give it a go.
I'll be the roadie.
It's actually a really important part of
the band that nobody ever appreciates.
band playing prog rock ♪
[cheering]
I see ♪
The land ♪
Where emus ♪
Reside ♪
Through ♪
The barren outback ♪
Let our music be ♪
Your guide ♪
- This is taking
a tremendous toll on Liam.
His body can't handle it, Big Greg.
He's only 40 kilos!
- Do you want
to take Dapto back or not?!
Rock on, mates!
KOALA MAN: I don't understand,
King Emudeus.
Wikipedia never mentioned you lot
were so technologically advanced
in the Great Emu War.
- [scoffs] You mean
the War of Human Aggression?
For nearly a century,
my species has been evolving.
We've learned to communicate
through speech,
fly fighter planes for air-to-air combat,
and partake in hot yoga.
All in preparation
should humans attack again.
With that knowledge,
we built Emutopia,
our own haven where we've lived
in peace and harmony beneath Australia.
That is, until our beloved
Royal Emu Egg was slaughtered!
- But violently taking over Dapto
won't bring back your egg.
It wasn't an easy decision to wage war.
But sometimes,
a hero must make the ultimate sacrifice
for the greater good of their flock.
I apologize on behalf of all humans.
I admit we can be selfish, brash,
and at times, drive our families insane
with our alter egos.
But even with all our differences,
there's one thing we have in common.
Oh? And what's that?
- No matter if we're bird or man,
at the end of the day, we're all blokes.
Good blokes.
So maybe we can strike
a Good Bloke Deal?
Whaddaya say, mate?
Ahh, you're right!
I'm a good bloke.
You're a good bloke.
Good blokes should just get along!
Cheers, mate.
band playing prog rock ♪
What's that racket?
Sounds like it's both elaborate
and annoying?
In 7-8 time signature?
loud prog rock playing ♪
[musicians snarling, whooping]
Whoaaaaaa!
[screaming, whooping]
Emus!
It's time to say your last prayer ♪
I've led the human resistance ♪
Hold on!
to your secret lair ♪
prog rock continues ♪
[shrieks]
[vehicle crashes]
music stops ♪
[Big Greg groaning]
[Daptonians shouting war cries]
- There shall be no peace
between avian and man.
To arms, my emus!
[emus cackling]
[shouting, whooping]
Both fingers and feathers ♪
Fight 'til they're weathered ♪
Bloodshed for all ♪
Humanity will fall ♪
Lest a hero should rise ♪
Bring truth to the lies ♪
- Come forward, I beg ♪
- Vicky, no!
- Whoever cracked
the Royal Emu Egg ♪
Stop!
egg! ♪
I must end this chaos.
I know who cracked the Royal Emu Egg.
- It was--
- Me! That's right!
I, Koala Man, smushed the egg.
All on my own!
And I smushed it oh-so good.
King Emudeus almost fell for it,
but turns out I'm not
a good bloke after all.
I'm a bad bloke!
[gasps]
DAPTONIANS: What?!
- B-but why, Koala Man?
Why? Because I wanted Dapto to fail!
I wanted the emus to destroy this town.
I wanted this war.
- [sniffles] They say
to never meet your heroes.
- You think it's easy to always
paint over your graffiti,
or remind you about bin day,
or measure your grass
to ensure it's within a centimeter
of the council limit?
This town never appreciated me,
and I'm tired of cleaning up your mess!
- Koala Man, who we have all
looked up to, said he hates Dapto!
- Kevin, why are you
taking the fall for me?
- Sometimes a hero
must make the ultimate sacrifice
for the greater good of their flock.
Seize him!
- Yeahhh!
- That sounded quite medieval, didn't it?
No, Koala Man!
epic music playing ♪
Get off me!
peaceful music playing ♪
- From this day forth,
both emu and man shall thrive
under the Emutopia-Dapto peace treaty!
[cheering]
- You're birds, we're blokes,
but we both got two legs.
Two legs that stand in
Strayaaaaa!
[cheering]
ALL: Strayaaaaa!
- Lest we forget, we are most united
in our hatred for a common enemy.
As punishment for the heinous
war crimes against the emu nation,
I hereby sentence Koala Man to exile!
- [cheering]
- Yeah, exile!
- I can't believe they're going
to exile Koala Man.
Ugggh! [straining]
Eh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
You know, Alison, I never imagined
I'd be at an interspecies
truce ceremony with you.
- Yeah, I never imagined
we'd be side-by-side either.
- You truly are my ride-or-die, Alison.
- [camera shutter clicks]
- Ride-or-dies
forever.
- contemplative music playing ♪
- Wait!
You don't have to do this, Kevin.
Just take the mask off.
Sneak back into town
and forget about Koala Man.
No. Honor demands that I do this.
Please tell the kids that I love them.
Oh, Kevin, please!
Don't.
- Thank you for putting up
with Koala Man, Vicky.
And when you think of me,
remember one thing
Anything, Kevin.
- Sprinklers run on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays.
There's a drought on.
I'll put the bins out.
- epic music rising ♪
- I know.
contemplative music playing ♪
This isn't so bad!
Fresh air, exercise
and I'm getting a free tan!
Ugggh!
[wind whistling]
Where am I?
[laughing maniacally]
Toothbrush Island!
Untie me immediately!
- But isn't this what you wanted,
Koala Man?
To be a koala man, man?
- [groaning] Using my own superhero
identity against me villainous!
- And not just
your superhero identity Kevin!
Kevin? That's me!
How do you know my civilian identity?
- I am the Kookaburra,
your archnemesis.
And I've been after you
for a long time, mate.
You see, I was the one
who sabotaged your bins
and drew out the Tall Poppy,
who put the Tradies onto you,
who got Chad Wagon
to turn your own son against you,
who summoned The Great One
to screw your precious Dapto,
who hired the gang of kangaroos
to carjack you,
who rigged the Handies torch
to explode.
And yes, I was the one
who set Vicky up to crack the emu egg!
All so I could take down Koala Man
and have Dapto to myself!
Now, the Kookaburra
will be the town's hero.
- How did I not see this coming?
My koala senses should've tingled!
- And I guess your "koala senses"
didn't tingle this either.
I was the one driving the V8 car
that ran over your beloved cub!
[laughing maniacally]
- You killed Mindy!
You won't get away with this, Kookaburra!
This is not on!
[groaning]
Aaah! Oh, look, you're not a koala.
You're just a wanker. Hyah!
Enjoy Toothbrush Island, Kevin.
'Cause Dapto is mine!
[laughing maniacally]
Noooooooo!
dramatic orchestral chord blaring ♪
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪