LA to Vegas (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Things To Do In Vegas When You're Grounded
1 Whoa, Black Betty, Bam-ba-Lam Whoa, Black Betty, Bam-ba-Lam Black Betty had a child, Bam-ba-Lam The damn thing gone wild, Bam-ba-Lam She said, "I'm worryin' outta mind," Bam-ba-Lam The damn thing gone blind, Bam-ba-Lam I said "Oh, Black Betty," Bam-ba-Lam Whoa, Black Betty.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - All right, Alan.
You're not Alan.
I am on the wrong plane.
Tokyo, huh? Cool.
Have a great flight.
PILOT (OVER P.
A.
): Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Papers, huh? I love papers: wall, toilet, failing New York Times.
These are divorce papers, so they're slightly less fun.
Tough break, my friend.
I'm in a state of shock about it, Artem.
I just got served in the airport.
And the guy was very tricky about it.
WOMAN (OVER P.
A.
): Colin McCormack, please pick up the nearest white courtesy telephone.
Uh, excuse me.
Are you Colin McCormack? - Yes.
- You've been served.
Oh, there's no call.
That was me.
Love when they go for the phone.
So sad.
I will hug you now.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, oy! I'm good.
Uh Could you do me a favor and not tell everybody about this? You know, I'd rather the whole plane didn't know my business.
Of course, don't worry.
I'm very good at keeping secret.
I will hug you again.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you, Artem.
Thank you.
So did you hear we're gonna be grounded in Vegas for the night? What? No.
I had plans in L.
A.
tonight.
I was gonna go to my friend Jeff's luau.
- You hate luaus.
-I hate Jeff, too, but that's not the point.
This was gonna be my first night out in forever.
God, this job makes it impossible to have a social life.
Right now, my only social interactions are yelling at drunk passengers.
- This iPad is broken.
- That's a magazine.
It seems like you're doing all right.
What about all those fun party pictures on your Instagram? - I faked them.
- But I saw your legs on a beach.
Those were two hotdogs and my Cancún screen saver.
(GASPS) I take my like back.
Hey, Captain Dave here.
If you're looking for a little female companionship, then head over to Madame's, the oldest strip club in Vegas that's now Vegas's newest retirement community.
And those women could really use someone to chat with.
Tell them Craig sent you.
'Cause that's what they think my name is.
Hey.
I just wanted to come over and see how you were doing.
I'm good.
How are you? Oh, I'm just asking because Artem told me about the divorce papers.
Oh, come on.
He swore he wouldn't tell anybody.
Yeah, well, it's Artem, so that's really on you.
Anyway, you know, if there's anything I can do Ronnie, honestly, I'm okay.
I just don't want anybody else to know.
Hey.
How are you, Colin? Ah, good.
So you know, too.
Look, I know this is a really difficult time for you, but the good news is you now qualify for the Grapefruits Divorce Special.
You get two free lap dances and then they flatten your wedding ring into a souvenir coin.
Ah, two free lap dances.
Artem! Is there anybody else you told about my impending divorce? Me? No.
I swear.
DAVE (ON P.
A.
): Hey, Colin McCormack, this is your captain.
Please report to the front galley to discuss your impending divorce.
Okay.
I don't know why you're mad.
Everyone on this plane is Team Colin, even the cheerleaders going to Vegas for competition.
Isn't that right, girls? You should get a lawyer who will ALL: Be aggressive! Be, be aggressive! - Thanks, mate.
- Yeah.
(CHEERLEADERS CHEERING) - Ugh.
- What's up? I specifically took tonight off to hang out with my friend Krystal, and she bailed on me.
God, it's so hard having a social life in the stripper world.
I have the same problem because of the weird hours, right? Yeah, and all the fun girls get exported by Saudi princes.
So you're not doing anything tonight? - Not anymore.
- Me neither.
Would it be crazy if we hung out? Mm, I don't know.
We've never hung out before.
Although, I did have a dream once where I braided your hair.
I have the perfect face shape for a braid.
- That's what I said in the dream.
- Oh, my God! - Let's do it.
- Yay! And now you can finally post some fun, real pics on Instagram.
- Aw, you follow me.
- No, I follow Bernard.
Oh.
So, I heard you got slapped with the big "D.
" - Excuse me? - Divorce.
It's rough.
I've been there.
I've actually had three big D's slap me right across the face.
You have to know you're saying that wrong.
The first month is the hardest.
You reevaluate everything.
Month two, you start exploring.
Go to Peru, do some ayahuasca, buy a fun bowling shirt.
And the next woman that gives you attention, you marry immediately.
But boredom brings that second divorce.
You start drinking, get some tattoos, and on a bender, you marry your tattoo artist.
But by the time the third divorce comes, you sign the papers at the dog track and realize Scientology's got some decent ideas.
Huh.
Well, if I'm honest, I am a little peeved at the way that my ex has been handling things.
Yup.
Let it out.
Build that fire.
I mean, we promised we'd be civil to each other, you know? I mean, my parents, they did their divorce right.
My father grew a beard, mother went on a food journey with her "special friend" Charlotte.
No one gets out unscarred.
My first ex-wife took the dog.
My second wife took the cat.
And my third wife took the dog from my first ex-wife.
Her lawyer was amazing.
You know what you really need? A night out with your boys to blow off some steam.
Well, I don't have many "boys" anymore.
I mean, honestly, it's tough maintaining friendships when you spend every weekend flying from L.
A.
to Vegas.
I mean, really, I only do three things: sleep, teach, and fly out to see my son.
Well, I only do three things: sleep, fly, and right wrongs when I see them.
And if you don't have boys, it's on me to take you out for a guys night.
- That is really not necessary.
- Too late.
This bro-tisserie chicken is already on the rack and rolling.
Bernie, saddle up.
We're taking Colin out for a guys night.
What's it gonna take you to go? Free drinks and you have to buy ten tickets to my one-man show, Mother Eartha: The Eartha Kitt Story.
LA Weekly said it was "lit well.
" Done, you're in.
Hey, I want in on this night with men, and I don't even care what we're doing.
I just have crazy FOMO.
- What are you guys talking about? - Your mom.
Oh, what a slut, right? No, we're talking about guys night.
Right? Guys night? I want to come.
Please.
- Fine, Alan.
But no blow.
- What? Hold on, who's flying the plane? It's on autopilot.
I save these hands for takeoffs and landings.
I mean, does a surgeon do the middle of an operation? - Yes.
- You don't know.
Come on, Alan.
Let's look out the window and play "Spot The Pools.
" Hey, thank you for lending me this dress.
It's surprisingly heavy, though.
Yeah, it's weighted so I'm harder to kidnap.
Your life is so cool.
Like, that's what I should be doing.
I'm still young, I should be afraid of getting kidnapped.
You really should.
You're pretty enough.
If you worked in the club, you'd be that cocktail waitress that all the guys are like, "Why isn't she stripping?" Aw.
Thank you.
I bet on the plane, all the drunk passengers "accidentally" brush your butt all the time.
Yeah, and they "accidentally" get hot coffee spilled on their junk.
That is the only action I've had in the last six months.
So I'd love to meet someone where the groping is mutual.
Well, you know what? - We're gonna make that happen right now.
-What are you doing? This guy I'm sort of dating has a friend who'd be perfect for you, so I'm gonna see if he's around.
Wow, okay.
Oh, wait.
If he's just home with no plans, does that mean he's lame? Well, I didn't have plans, so we're both lame.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- He said he's available.
- I'm in! - BOTH: Tequila soda! (BOTH LAUGHING) It is officially cool o'clock.
- All right.
- All the homies are here.
We're gonna pregame at the most exclusive joint in town.
- Cool.
- Nice.
So, this is the most exclusive joint in town? We're the only ones here, aren't we? It's got everything we need: free drinks, free food, and sweet, sweet tunes.
I just downloaded this killer karaoke app.
I got the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" all cued up.
Bernie, you want to sing first? Do I look like I'm playing hacky sack on the quad at Dartmouth? Good call.
Rest the pipes.
In the meantime, the oxygen bar is open! Oh.
So we're all gonna share that, are we? Yeah, man.
Puff, puff, pass.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - Oh.
- Ah, they're cute! I think.
I don't know; it's so dark in here.
Is it? Yeah, I spend so much time in strip clubs, I can practically see in the dark.
It's called stripper vision.
It's a real thing.
- Hi! - Babe.
(LAUGHS) Ronnie, this is Justin and Thad.
They're magicians.
They have the hottest show in Vegas.
I don't know about hottest, but we're certainly on fire.
- (WOMAN SCREAMING) - Oh! What? What? (LAUGHS): Oh.
Wow, that's crazy.
That wasn't me.
That was me.
(SCREAMING) - WOMAN: Put it out! - (WHISPERS): They were both me.
Whoa.
They did not teach that in the magic kit that I had growing up.
I only knew the cup-and-balls one.
- That's not magic, that's just good technique.
-Hey.
Thad is the guy I was telling you about.
Hi.
Oh, Thad doesn't speak.
That's kind of our thing.
Isn't that Penn & Teller's thing? - (HITS TABLE) - Thad, don't yell.
I got this.
We're nothing like Penn & Teller.
Their tall guy talks; ours doesn't.
Okay? Okay.
But you can talk tonight, though, right? I mean, it's not like you're performing.
Well, that's the about us we're always performing.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) - (SCREAMING CONTINUES) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God.
Now you're just torturing that poor woman.
Let's go eat.
(CHUCKLES) You sure about these guys? Oh, yeah.
No, they're a little weird, but they're completely harmless.
I can spot a creep from a mile away.
Stay away from that guy.
Movie.
Movie.
- Mm-mmm.
- Artem, that means "movie" in charades.
Oh, we're playing charades? Oh, I didn't know.
Wait.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) I love charades.
So I Three words.
I give you hint.
It's a song.
First word: "Stairway" "To Heaven.
" I win.
And as winner, I say it's time to get off this plane.
Dave, what's next? Oh, I got a great night planned.
We're gonna get steaks at Ponderosa, then take a helicopter ride over the Strip.
But don't worry if it's too windy, I got a plan B.
A buddy of mine can get us into this corporate event.
Apparently, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are gonna play a set.
- What?! - Bitch, that's plan A! No, I thought tonight was gonna be about bonding over Colin's D, but if you guys want to go to the party, let's bounce.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Crazy in Love.
" Hey, what happened to Jetway? Yeah, are we stuck here? Dave, didn't you tell the Jetway guys we were gonna be up here? I was planning a guys night.
This is Alan's fault.
I didn't even know we were coming back here.
That's your problem, Alan you don't anticipate.
Good news: I spoke to the Jetway driver.
Bad news: he's at his anniversary dinner with his wait for it husband.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Okay, so what does this mean for us? It means we can finally live in a society where love can win No, what does it mean for the plane? Oh.
We're stuck for a couple hours.
- (GROANS) - Oh, I have to cancel my sunrise hike club.
Guys, I'm bummed, too, but tonight is about Colin.
Right? We have a unique opportunity here.
We have the whole plane to ourselves.
Isn't there anything you ever dreamed of doing on an airplane? Sit in the captain's seat.
Be serious, Alan.
Now, we could spend the next few hours being miserable or actually having some fun.
Which is it gonna be? - DAVE: Guys night! - Yeah! Blech! One, two Princes kneel before you (OVERLAPPING SINGING, SLURRING) And go ahead now If you Want to call me baby - Okay.
Okay, go.
Wait.
- Just go ahead now - (GRUNTING) - And if you - All right.
Okay, close it.
- Want to call me baby - ALL: Oh! - Just go ahead now And if you Want to buy me flowers Just go ahead now Is there, is there, is there a catch? How does it Just go a Guitar! (GRUNTS) (CHEERING, LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) Tell me how you do the coin-in-the-box trick.
Nichole, there is a magician's code, and I cannot betray it.
Well, if you tell me, I'll - Mirrors, it's all mirrors.
- (GIGGLES) Anyway, that's why my friend Stacy has an eye patch and I'm permanently banned from the Sunglass Hut.
Good talk, Thad.
What are you getting? Oh, good.
Cards.
This is a good one.
Pick a card, memorize it, - see what happens.
- Hmm.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I don't get it.
Hey, Nichole, do you want to go get a drink at the bar? - But we have a waiter.
- Yeah, I know, but let's leave.
Oh.
Okay.
(ALL MUMBLING, GROANING) You know, I was initially skeptical about what exactly tonight was gonna be, but, um turns out a bit of nonsense was exactly what I needed.
See? Nights like this recharge the system.
Listen, I wish I had some guys to take me out after my divorces.
I don't have many male friends, either.
I relate to women better, probably because I'm willing to go there.
Oh, I have so many friends.
Too many.
Actually, I'm in the midst of a cull.
- But you're all on the list.
- COLIN: Well, at least that is one good thing that this divorce hath wrought.
That's not the only thing.
Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Dude, you're officially free.
Yeah, the road has been paved for you and Ronnie.
Ronnie? Aw, come on, we're just friends.
Friends that almost boned in the bathroom.
Guys, Ronnie and I would drive each other mad.
I mean, she's literally maddening.
She's-she's stubborn and she's combative and and then there are the days when she goes out of her way to do something incredibly thoughtful, like she'll, she'll leave you the last airline magazine with a blank crossword, and-and you know, you're left kind of amazed that somebody so beautiful and delightful would spend even 30 seconds of her day doing something just because she knew it would make you happy.
And and that makes all the stresses in your life seem to fade away.
I'm sorry, what was the question? None of us have talked for, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, dear God.
News flash, amigo: you dig Ronnie.
(SIGHS) Okay, why did you think I would like that? - Well, he's a good listener.
- Can't argue with that.
I mean, if you're not into it, no worries.
I can make him disappear.
I made a joke my dad would like.
No, I came here to have fun.
I'm gonna give it another shot.
I just need a drink or two.
Probably two.
Uh, you have something in your bra.
God, I'm surprised he hasn't given me a paper cut.
Rough night? Uh, yeah.
It's probably rougher for the two women my date set on fire.
Oh, is he an arsonist? Magician.
Oh.
So an arsonist in sequins.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I thought I wanted a crazy, fun night out, but this place is so douchey.
I mean, what is the theme? Too loud and cocaine on the floor? You throw in jean shorts and a Raiders jersey, and it's pretty much the theme of Vegas.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I wish I'd stayed home and had a grilled cheese and a beer.
Hmm.
Well, see you later.
I hope your night gets better.
I'll keep on the lookout for any cute blondes bursting into flames.
Well, if it ends the date, I'm fine with it.
- (LAUGHS) - Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, here's what we know.
I'm a little drunk, I like Ronnie, and when I get nervous I like to recap.
- What do I do? - You got to go tell her.
What, now? This is the exact wrong time.
I just got my divorce papers.
This is the exact right time.
She's been texting me all night.
She's on a terrible date with a magician.
You could swoop in and rescue her.
Hey, this is like the reverse ending of a romantic comedy.
You are at airport running to go in other location.
Do you really think I should do this? No, chico, you have to do this.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
- That's right.
We're trapped.
- I have an idea.
According to the Jackpot handbook, as senior flight attendant, it is within my authority to declare an emergency and deploy the evacuation slide.
Did you guys hear me? We get to go down the slide! - Slide! - ALL: Slide! Slide, slide, slide, slide, slide, slide! Slide, slide, slide, slide! Slide, slide! (CHANTING): Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants, rope made of pants.
ALL (CHANTING): Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants.
I just asked for a napkin, dude.
WAITER: I'm sorry for the wait.
I'm sorry.
I didn't actually order this.
Uh, compliments of the chef.
- And that would be? - Me.
Yep.
Also the owner of this whole loud, cocaine-y place.
I love you guys, by the way.
- Ah, you've seen our show.
- No.
The sky is blue, I can taste the colors I know, I know (GASPS) - Oh, this is high.
- Almost there, Frenchy.
- Aah! - Whoa! The rope.
How will you get down? Don't worry about us.
Just go get the girl.
And hamburgers! I'm hungry! Thanks for the grilled cheese.
My date loved it.
Well, you know, that's not even my specialty.
You should let me make you breakfast.
That sounded sleazy.
I meant to say I'm really good with eggs.
Let me try again.
You're really cute.
Let me make you breakfast.
No.
That's the same.
I'm gonna let it slide this time because I bashed your restaurant right to your face.
Well, you weren't wrong, you know.
This place isn't me.
I opened the first restaurant in Portland.
Then Vegas threw a bunch of money at me to open one here.
And in Portland, we were farm to table.
Here we're farm to freezer to truck to distribution center - to train to truck to here.
- Wow, so you're a sellout.
Yeah, total sellout.
(LAUGHS) Um, we took care of that grilled cheese, but I still owe you a beer.
You want to go someplace better than this and grab a drink? Uh, thank you, but I shouldn't leave my friend with those guys.
If they try to cut her in half or something, I'll feel responsible.
It's cool.
Totally cool.
Everybody knows getting cut in half sucks.
Well, thank you for the grilled cheese.
You got it.
Where are you going? He was totally into you.
Yeah, he asked me out for a drink, but I didn't want to bail on you.
Thank you.
I get it.
Girl code.
Lena Dunham.
Traveling Pants.
But I came here to get you a guy and that's the kind of guy you ditch your friends for.
Aw, we're friends? Yeah.
You're wearing my dress and we feel the same way about Ryan Gosling.
BOTH: Hot but not sexy, except in Drive.
You're crazy not to go out with that guy.
He's cute.
He cooks.
He's clearly willing to listen to you complain.
Why are you still standing here talking to me? Excuse me, excuse me.
Hello, hi.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm sorry.
No, I don't have a reservation, but I do have a, I have a (EXHALES) - Hi.
- Hi.
Wow.
I just realized I've never seen you out of your uniform before.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? Oh, it's a long story.
I got trapped on a plane.
I climbed down a-a rope made of blankets.
It was a whole situation.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I've had a bit of a weird night, too, but things are looking up.
Okay, that's that's exactly why I wanted to talk to you.
- I - Ronnie, you ready to go? Yeah.
Uh, this is Bryan.
He owns the restaurant, and he saved me from my terrible date.
We were just about to go get a drink, but we-we could stay.
No.
No, God, no.
No, you guys go.
No, I've got my lads meeting me here in a bit, anyway, you know.
Actually, I hear this place has really excellent food.
We do have food.
Great, I will order some of that, then.
All right.
So, I'll see you Sunday? Yes.
Yes.
Get out of here, kids, have fun.
Hey, Colin.
You missed the magic.
Seems like I did.
There's a love in my heart Oh, no.
She rejected you.
Here comes another hug.
No, I didn't even get to tell her.
How did you guys all get here? Uber.
Oh, you mean from the plane.
The Jetway guy showed up literally one minute after you left.
So, you didn't get the girl, but you got something else: four ice-cold bros.
That I did.
You know, thank you all so much for this, really.
Of course.
No one should ever have to handle the big "D" alone.
Yep, now I hear it.
Oh, man.
I said it so many times tonight.
Well, here's to my four Hold on a second.
Where's Alan? Yeah, where'd we leave that little man? - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS)
- (MUSIC STOPS) - All right, Alan.
You're not Alan.
I am on the wrong plane.
Tokyo, huh? Cool.
Have a great flight.
PILOT (OVER P.
A.
): Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
Papers, huh? I love papers: wall, toilet, failing New York Times.
These are divorce papers, so they're slightly less fun.
Tough break, my friend.
I'm in a state of shock about it, Artem.
I just got served in the airport.
And the guy was very tricky about it.
WOMAN (OVER P.
A.
): Colin McCormack, please pick up the nearest white courtesy telephone.
Uh, excuse me.
Are you Colin McCormack? - Yes.
- You've been served.
Oh, there's no call.
That was me.
Love when they go for the phone.
So sad.
I will hug you now.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, oy! I'm good.
Uh Could you do me a favor and not tell everybody about this? You know, I'd rather the whole plane didn't know my business.
Of course, don't worry.
I'm very good at keeping secret.
I will hug you again.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you, Artem.
Thank you.
So did you hear we're gonna be grounded in Vegas for the night? What? No.
I had plans in L.
A.
tonight.
I was gonna go to my friend Jeff's luau.
- You hate luaus.
-I hate Jeff, too, but that's not the point.
This was gonna be my first night out in forever.
God, this job makes it impossible to have a social life.
Right now, my only social interactions are yelling at drunk passengers.
- This iPad is broken.
- That's a magazine.
It seems like you're doing all right.
What about all those fun party pictures on your Instagram? - I faked them.
- But I saw your legs on a beach.
Those were two hotdogs and my Cancún screen saver.
(GASPS) I take my like back.
Hey, Captain Dave here.
If you're looking for a little female companionship, then head over to Madame's, the oldest strip club in Vegas that's now Vegas's newest retirement community.
And those women could really use someone to chat with.
Tell them Craig sent you.
'Cause that's what they think my name is.
Hey.
I just wanted to come over and see how you were doing.
I'm good.
How are you? Oh, I'm just asking because Artem told me about the divorce papers.
Oh, come on.
He swore he wouldn't tell anybody.
Yeah, well, it's Artem, so that's really on you.
Anyway, you know, if there's anything I can do Ronnie, honestly, I'm okay.
I just don't want anybody else to know.
Hey.
How are you, Colin? Ah, good.
So you know, too.
Look, I know this is a really difficult time for you, but the good news is you now qualify for the Grapefruits Divorce Special.
You get two free lap dances and then they flatten your wedding ring into a souvenir coin.
Ah, two free lap dances.
Artem! Is there anybody else you told about my impending divorce? Me? No.
I swear.
DAVE (ON P.
A.
): Hey, Colin McCormack, this is your captain.
Please report to the front galley to discuss your impending divorce.
Okay.
I don't know why you're mad.
Everyone on this plane is Team Colin, even the cheerleaders going to Vegas for competition.
Isn't that right, girls? You should get a lawyer who will ALL: Be aggressive! Be, be aggressive! - Thanks, mate.
- Yeah.
(CHEERLEADERS CHEERING) - Ugh.
- What's up? I specifically took tonight off to hang out with my friend Krystal, and she bailed on me.
God, it's so hard having a social life in the stripper world.
I have the same problem because of the weird hours, right? Yeah, and all the fun girls get exported by Saudi princes.
So you're not doing anything tonight? - Not anymore.
- Me neither.
Would it be crazy if we hung out? Mm, I don't know.
We've never hung out before.
Although, I did have a dream once where I braided your hair.
I have the perfect face shape for a braid.
- That's what I said in the dream.
- Oh, my God! - Let's do it.
- Yay! And now you can finally post some fun, real pics on Instagram.
- Aw, you follow me.
- No, I follow Bernard.
Oh.
So, I heard you got slapped with the big "D.
" - Excuse me? - Divorce.
It's rough.
I've been there.
I've actually had three big D's slap me right across the face.
You have to know you're saying that wrong.
The first month is the hardest.
You reevaluate everything.
Month two, you start exploring.
Go to Peru, do some ayahuasca, buy a fun bowling shirt.
And the next woman that gives you attention, you marry immediately.
But boredom brings that second divorce.
You start drinking, get some tattoos, and on a bender, you marry your tattoo artist.
But by the time the third divorce comes, you sign the papers at the dog track and realize Scientology's got some decent ideas.
Huh.
Well, if I'm honest, I am a little peeved at the way that my ex has been handling things.
Yup.
Let it out.
Build that fire.
I mean, we promised we'd be civil to each other, you know? I mean, my parents, they did their divorce right.
My father grew a beard, mother went on a food journey with her "special friend" Charlotte.
No one gets out unscarred.
My first ex-wife took the dog.
My second wife took the cat.
And my third wife took the dog from my first ex-wife.
Her lawyer was amazing.
You know what you really need? A night out with your boys to blow off some steam.
Well, I don't have many "boys" anymore.
I mean, honestly, it's tough maintaining friendships when you spend every weekend flying from L.
A.
to Vegas.
I mean, really, I only do three things: sleep, teach, and fly out to see my son.
Well, I only do three things: sleep, fly, and right wrongs when I see them.
And if you don't have boys, it's on me to take you out for a guys night.
- That is really not necessary.
- Too late.
This bro-tisserie chicken is already on the rack and rolling.
Bernie, saddle up.
We're taking Colin out for a guys night.
What's it gonna take you to go? Free drinks and you have to buy ten tickets to my one-man show, Mother Eartha: The Eartha Kitt Story.
LA Weekly said it was "lit well.
" Done, you're in.
Hey, I want in on this night with men, and I don't even care what we're doing.
I just have crazy FOMO.
- What are you guys talking about? - Your mom.
Oh, what a slut, right? No, we're talking about guys night.
Right? Guys night? I want to come.
Please.
- Fine, Alan.
But no blow.
- What? Hold on, who's flying the plane? It's on autopilot.
I save these hands for takeoffs and landings.
I mean, does a surgeon do the middle of an operation? - Yes.
- You don't know.
Come on, Alan.
Let's look out the window and play "Spot The Pools.
" Hey, thank you for lending me this dress.
It's surprisingly heavy, though.
Yeah, it's weighted so I'm harder to kidnap.
Your life is so cool.
Like, that's what I should be doing.
I'm still young, I should be afraid of getting kidnapped.
You really should.
You're pretty enough.
If you worked in the club, you'd be that cocktail waitress that all the guys are like, "Why isn't she stripping?" Aw.
Thank you.
I bet on the plane, all the drunk passengers "accidentally" brush your butt all the time.
Yeah, and they "accidentally" get hot coffee spilled on their junk.
That is the only action I've had in the last six months.
So I'd love to meet someone where the groping is mutual.
Well, you know what? - We're gonna make that happen right now.
-What are you doing? This guy I'm sort of dating has a friend who'd be perfect for you, so I'm gonna see if he's around.
Wow, okay.
Oh, wait.
If he's just home with no plans, does that mean he's lame? Well, I didn't have plans, so we're both lame.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- He said he's available.
- I'm in! - BOTH: Tequila soda! (BOTH LAUGHING) It is officially cool o'clock.
- All right.
- All the homies are here.
We're gonna pregame at the most exclusive joint in town.
- Cool.
- Nice.
So, this is the most exclusive joint in town? We're the only ones here, aren't we? It's got everything we need: free drinks, free food, and sweet, sweet tunes.
I just downloaded this killer karaoke app.
I got the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" all cued up.
Bernie, you want to sing first? Do I look like I'm playing hacky sack on the quad at Dartmouth? Good call.
Rest the pipes.
In the meantime, the oxygen bar is open! Oh.
So we're all gonna share that, are we? Yeah, man.
Puff, puff, pass.
(INHALES DEEPLY) - Oh.
- Ah, they're cute! I think.
I don't know; it's so dark in here.
Is it? Yeah, I spend so much time in strip clubs, I can practically see in the dark.
It's called stripper vision.
It's a real thing.
- Hi! - Babe.
(LAUGHS) Ronnie, this is Justin and Thad.
They're magicians.
They have the hottest show in Vegas.
I don't know about hottest, but we're certainly on fire.
- (WOMAN SCREAMING) - Oh! What? What? (LAUGHS): Oh.
Wow, that's crazy.
That wasn't me.
That was me.
(SCREAMING) - WOMAN: Put it out! - (WHISPERS): They were both me.
Whoa.
They did not teach that in the magic kit that I had growing up.
I only knew the cup-and-balls one.
- That's not magic, that's just good technique.
-Hey.
Thad is the guy I was telling you about.
Hi.
Oh, Thad doesn't speak.
That's kind of our thing.
Isn't that Penn & Teller's thing? - (HITS TABLE) - Thad, don't yell.
I got this.
We're nothing like Penn & Teller.
Their tall guy talks; ours doesn't.
Okay? Okay.
But you can talk tonight, though, right? I mean, it's not like you're performing.
Well, that's the about us we're always performing.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) - (SCREAMING CONTINUES) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, God.
Now you're just torturing that poor woman.
Let's go eat.
(CHUCKLES) You sure about these guys? Oh, yeah.
No, they're a little weird, but they're completely harmless.
I can spot a creep from a mile away.
Stay away from that guy.
Movie.
Movie.
- Mm-mmm.
- Artem, that means "movie" in charades.
Oh, we're playing charades? Oh, I didn't know.
Wait.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) I love charades.
So I Three words.
I give you hint.
It's a song.
First word: "Stairway" "To Heaven.
" I win.
And as winner, I say it's time to get off this plane.
Dave, what's next? Oh, I got a great night planned.
We're gonna get steaks at Ponderosa, then take a helicopter ride over the Strip.
But don't worry if it's too windy, I got a plan B.
A buddy of mine can get us into this corporate event.
Apparently, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are gonna play a set.
- What?! - Bitch, that's plan A! No, I thought tonight was gonna be about bonding over Colin's D, but if you guys want to go to the party, let's bounce.
- Oh, yeah.
- "Crazy in Love.
" Hey, what happened to Jetway? Yeah, are we stuck here? Dave, didn't you tell the Jetway guys we were gonna be up here? I was planning a guys night.
This is Alan's fault.
I didn't even know we were coming back here.
That's your problem, Alan you don't anticipate.
Good news: I spoke to the Jetway driver.
Bad news: he's at his anniversary dinner with his wait for it husband.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Okay, so what does this mean for us? It means we can finally live in a society where love can win No, what does it mean for the plane? Oh.
We're stuck for a couple hours.
- (GROANS) - Oh, I have to cancel my sunrise hike club.
Guys, I'm bummed, too, but tonight is about Colin.
Right? We have a unique opportunity here.
We have the whole plane to ourselves.
Isn't there anything you ever dreamed of doing on an airplane? Sit in the captain's seat.
Be serious, Alan.
Now, we could spend the next few hours being miserable or actually having some fun.
Which is it gonna be? - DAVE: Guys night! - Yeah! Blech! One, two Princes kneel before you (OVERLAPPING SINGING, SLURRING) And go ahead now If you Want to call me baby - Okay.
Okay, go.
Wait.
- Just go ahead now - (GRUNTING) - And if you - All right.
Okay, close it.
- Want to call me baby - ALL: Oh! - Just go ahead now And if you Want to buy me flowers Just go ahead now Is there, is there, is there a catch? How does it Just go a Guitar! (GRUNTS) (CHEERING, LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) Tell me how you do the coin-in-the-box trick.
Nichole, there is a magician's code, and I cannot betray it.
Well, if you tell me, I'll - Mirrors, it's all mirrors.
- (GIGGLES) Anyway, that's why my friend Stacy has an eye patch and I'm permanently banned from the Sunglass Hut.
Good talk, Thad.
What are you getting? Oh, good.
Cards.
This is a good one.
Pick a card, memorize it, - see what happens.
- Hmm.
(SNAPS FINGERS) I don't get it.
Hey, Nichole, do you want to go get a drink at the bar? - But we have a waiter.
- Yeah, I know, but let's leave.
Oh.
Okay.
(ALL MUMBLING, GROANING) You know, I was initially skeptical about what exactly tonight was gonna be, but, um turns out a bit of nonsense was exactly what I needed.
See? Nights like this recharge the system.
Listen, I wish I had some guys to take me out after my divorces.
I don't have many male friends, either.
I relate to women better, probably because I'm willing to go there.
Oh, I have so many friends.
Too many.
Actually, I'm in the midst of a cull.
- But you're all on the list.
- COLIN: Well, at least that is one good thing that this divorce hath wrought.
That's not the only thing.
Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Dude, you're officially free.
Yeah, the road has been paved for you and Ronnie.
Ronnie? Aw, come on, we're just friends.
Friends that almost boned in the bathroom.
Guys, Ronnie and I would drive each other mad.
I mean, she's literally maddening.
She's-she's stubborn and she's combative and and then there are the days when she goes out of her way to do something incredibly thoughtful, like she'll, she'll leave you the last airline magazine with a blank crossword, and-and you know, you're left kind of amazed that somebody so beautiful and delightful would spend even 30 seconds of her day doing something just because she knew it would make you happy.
And and that makes all the stresses in your life seem to fade away.
I'm sorry, what was the question? None of us have talked for, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, dear God.
News flash, amigo: you dig Ronnie.
(SIGHS) Okay, why did you think I would like that? - Well, he's a good listener.
- Can't argue with that.
I mean, if you're not into it, no worries.
I can make him disappear.
I made a joke my dad would like.
No, I came here to have fun.
I'm gonna give it another shot.
I just need a drink or two.
Probably two.
Uh, you have something in your bra.
God, I'm surprised he hasn't given me a paper cut.
Rough night? Uh, yeah.
It's probably rougher for the two women my date set on fire.
Oh, is he an arsonist? Magician.
Oh.
So an arsonist in sequins.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I thought I wanted a crazy, fun night out, but this place is so douchey.
I mean, what is the theme? Too loud and cocaine on the floor? You throw in jean shorts and a Raiders jersey, and it's pretty much the theme of Vegas.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I wish I'd stayed home and had a grilled cheese and a beer.
Hmm.
Well, see you later.
I hope your night gets better.
I'll keep on the lookout for any cute blondes bursting into flames.
Well, if it ends the date, I'm fine with it.
- (LAUGHS) - Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, here's what we know.
I'm a little drunk, I like Ronnie, and when I get nervous I like to recap.
- What do I do? - You got to go tell her.
What, now? This is the exact wrong time.
I just got my divorce papers.
This is the exact right time.
She's been texting me all night.
She's on a terrible date with a magician.
You could swoop in and rescue her.
Hey, this is like the reverse ending of a romantic comedy.
You are at airport running to go in other location.
Do you really think I should do this? No, chico, you have to do this.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
- That's right.
We're trapped.
- I have an idea.
According to the Jackpot handbook, as senior flight attendant, it is within my authority to declare an emergency and deploy the evacuation slide.
Did you guys hear me? We get to go down the slide! - Slide! - ALL: Slide! Slide, slide, slide, slide, slide, slide! Slide, slide, slide, slide! Slide, slide! (CHANTING): Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants, rope made of pants.
ALL (CHANTING): Rope made of pants.
Rope made of pants.
I just asked for a napkin, dude.
WAITER: I'm sorry for the wait.
I'm sorry.
I didn't actually order this.
Uh, compliments of the chef.
- And that would be? - Me.
Yep.
Also the owner of this whole loud, cocaine-y place.
I love you guys, by the way.
- Ah, you've seen our show.
- No.
The sky is blue, I can taste the colors I know, I know (GASPS) - Oh, this is high.
- Almost there, Frenchy.
- Aah! - Whoa! The rope.
How will you get down? Don't worry about us.
Just go get the girl.
And hamburgers! I'm hungry! Thanks for the grilled cheese.
My date loved it.
Well, you know, that's not even my specialty.
You should let me make you breakfast.
That sounded sleazy.
I meant to say I'm really good with eggs.
Let me try again.
You're really cute.
Let me make you breakfast.
No.
That's the same.
I'm gonna let it slide this time because I bashed your restaurant right to your face.
Well, you weren't wrong, you know.
This place isn't me.
I opened the first restaurant in Portland.
Then Vegas threw a bunch of money at me to open one here.
And in Portland, we were farm to table.
Here we're farm to freezer to truck to distribution center - to train to truck to here.
- Wow, so you're a sellout.
Yeah, total sellout.
(LAUGHS) Um, we took care of that grilled cheese, but I still owe you a beer.
You want to go someplace better than this and grab a drink? Uh, thank you, but I shouldn't leave my friend with those guys.
If they try to cut her in half or something, I'll feel responsible.
It's cool.
Totally cool.
Everybody knows getting cut in half sucks.
Well, thank you for the grilled cheese.
You got it.
Where are you going? He was totally into you.
Yeah, he asked me out for a drink, but I didn't want to bail on you.
Thank you.
I get it.
Girl code.
Lena Dunham.
Traveling Pants.
But I came here to get you a guy and that's the kind of guy you ditch your friends for.
Aw, we're friends? Yeah.
You're wearing my dress and we feel the same way about Ryan Gosling.
BOTH: Hot but not sexy, except in Drive.
You're crazy not to go out with that guy.
He's cute.
He cooks.
He's clearly willing to listen to you complain.
Why are you still standing here talking to me? Excuse me, excuse me.
Hello, hi.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm sorry.
No, I don't have a reservation, but I do have a, I have a (EXHALES) - Hi.
- Hi.
Wow.
I just realized I've never seen you out of your uniform before.
You look amazing.
Thank you.
What are you doing here? Oh, it's a long story.
I got trapped on a plane.
I climbed down a-a rope made of blankets.
It was a whole situation.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I've had a bit of a weird night, too, but things are looking up.
Okay, that's that's exactly why I wanted to talk to you.
- I - Ronnie, you ready to go? Yeah.
Uh, this is Bryan.
He owns the restaurant, and he saved me from my terrible date.
We were just about to go get a drink, but we-we could stay.
No.
No, God, no.
No, you guys go.
No, I've got my lads meeting me here in a bit, anyway, you know.
Actually, I hear this place has really excellent food.
We do have food.
Great, I will order some of that, then.
All right.
So, I'll see you Sunday? Yes.
Yes.
Get out of here, kids, have fun.
Hey, Colin.
You missed the magic.
Seems like I did.
There's a love in my heart Oh, no.
She rejected you.
Here comes another hug.
No, I didn't even get to tell her.
How did you guys all get here? Uber.
Oh, you mean from the plane.
The Jetway guy showed up literally one minute after you left.
So, you didn't get the girl, but you got something else: four ice-cold bros.
That I did.
You know, thank you all so much for this, really.
Of course.
No one should ever have to handle the big "D" alone.
Yep, now I hear it.
Oh, man.
I said it so many times tonight.
Well, here's to my four Hold on a second.
Where's Alan? Yeah, where'd we leave that little man? - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS) - (SCREAMS)