Life with Boys (2011) s01e07 Episode Script

Watch now as Hilary Duff makes her first incision on the premiere of Surgery with the Stars.
No wonder they call this "Trash TV".
Who watches this stuff? Um, Allie, I'm pretty sure the giant glob of marshmallow fluff kinda cancels out the nutritional value of celery.
Way ahead of you.
By chewing the celery, I'm burning off the calories of the marshmallow cream.
Whoa.
Slow down there, Chewbacca.
You don't wanna get a lip cramp.
Hey, I'm telling you, it works.
Oh, yeah, that got the heart rate up nicely.
Yes it did, yes it did, yes it did.
Oh, to be that dog just for one brief moment.
Woof.
This is why I never invite friends over.
Just be glad Walter wasn't licking his butt.
Hey, how'd the date go? Well, actually I'm sorry.
I know.
Hey, how'd the date go? Well, actually I'm sorry.
I know.
What happened? We just didn't have a lot in common.
I don't like to spit when I talk and she does.
You know where she was born? Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Her parents owned a pizza parlour.
You know, I think I'm gonna lay off this whole dating thing for a while.
No, come on, Dad, you can't do that.
Just because two or three or ten didn't work out, you know, that's no reason to give up.
You're never gonna find love again if you don't keep trying.
My philosophy Never gonna happen.
I love it when you interrupt me.
Woof.
Look, Tess, it's not like I'm never gonna date again.
Besides, sweetie, you can't force love.
I'll get back to it, okay? Okay.
I've gotta find that man a woman.
But he just said he'd get back to it.
What if he doesn't? Where you going, Daughter? I just thought I'd go out.
And leave me alone? But, Dad, I haven't been out in 58 years.
Well, why start now? But Dad, can't I have a life of my own? Just 'cause you chose never to date again I'll get back to it! In the meantime, can you chew up an apple for me? Daddy's hungry, can't seem to find his bitin' teeth.
Come on, Zippy.
I'm not gettin' any younger.
I've got to find that man a woman.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life Ooh, I think Dad would go for that one.
Or maybe that one.
Or that one.
Who am I kidding? He's a single parent with four kids.
He'll take what I get him and like it.
Okay, Tess, the man said he wanted to take a break.
Allie, when you live in a house full of guys, you learn a few things.
First, when a man says he doesn't need your help, he totally does.
And, second, always wipe the seat before you sit.
Even if it doesn't look wet, it is.
Good to know.
I mean, what does it matter? How're we gonna get your dad to make the first move? Oh, look at that face! What a pretty face! That's how.
Sorry, I can't stay away from a cute dog.
Oh, no apologies necessary.
No ring, loves dogs and just got a table for one.
The only thing missing in this picture is Dad, hey! You are never guess who's at The Blend! Kobe Bryant! I still can't believe I actually get to meet Kobe Bryant.
I brought three pens, in case two don't work.
Because, you know, sometimes you get new pens but there's no Be cool, Jack.
Be cool.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
First things first.
Ow! Sorry.
You can't meet Kobe Bryant with a rogue eyebrow hair.
I'd rather not meet him with blood coming out of my forehead.
Oh, man! He's gone! Gosh darn it! Aww, you gotta be kidding me.
Kobe? "Gosh darn it"? Well, sure, when you say it like that Well, I guess we missed him.
Why did I go back for those extra two pens? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yeah, bummer.
But while you're here, why don't I buy you a coffee.
You can just sit right over here with Walter.
And sit up straight.
When you slouch, you look like a loser.
Be right back.
Hey, I know you.
I met this dog earlier with two adorable girls.
Yeah, one of them's my daughter.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Jack.
I'm Cynthia.
Yes! They have sugar-free syrup! And regular syrup! You decide! That's them.
Spence, this is never gonna work.
Trust me.
I've done the math.
Who da' man? I da' man.
You da' man? I caught it.
Hey, guys, I was thinking about how stupid I act around Allie, and you're right.
I should stop obsessing over Oh, sweet mama, she left her marshmallow jar! She held this jar.
Oh, to be this jar.
If this is what puberty does, count me out.
Dude, look at yourself.
What's happening to me? Don't worry, buddy.
By the end of the day, I'll find you somebody new.
Really? You can do it that fast? I have to.
I have a date tonight and I don't have a sweater big enough to cover this.
One girl and three brothers? Oh, that poor thing.
I had three brothers and they made my life a nightmare.
I love her.
It's been 15 years since I lived with them and I still cannot get that smell out of my nose.
She so gets me! Yeah, you can definitely tell when my boys are in the room.
But, I'm doing okay, right? Oh, I wouldn't know.
This: permanently damaged.
She likes his armpit jokes? Oh, she's a keeper.
You are a strange, strange family.
You know, I don't care that I missed Kobe Bryant.
This is better.
Kobe? Oh, please tell me you're not a Laker fan.
Best team in the history of sports.
Oh, then you probably have never heard of a little team called the Boston Celtics.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, from back when they used to shoot free throws like this! Laker losers, Laker losers! Eww! Your dog is whizzing on my leg! Good boy, Walter! Excuse me? Yeah, I went there.
And so did he.
This was great.
Let's not do it again.
Yeah, real mature.
I think we learned a valuable lesson from today.
Never let your dad talk sports.
That, and always empty the dog first.
I blame myself.
I said I was taking a break from dating and the first woman who talks to me, what do I do? I talk back.
That's it.
I'm out.
No more women.
Sure, I might be lonely but I'll have you and your brothers to take care of me.
Well, I'll have you.
Please.
I'm trying! Who are you talking to? My future, where apparently, my butt is the size of a truck.
Ooh! Okay, what if we got your dad to make a video for one of those online dating services? Then he could go through all the videos he got back and pick out his perfect woman! He's never gonna do that.
You're right.
Which is why we're gonna do it for him! You didn't let me finish: which is why we're gonna do it for him! Would it kill you to give me this one? Fine.
I'm hopeless.
I'm useless.
I'm nothing but A complete waste of skin? Sorry, I, uhh I thought you were stuck.
Sam, trust me, the best way to get your big fat brain off Allie is to get your little, scrawny body focused on someone else.
Now, how about that one? Not feeling it.
Okay, fine.
How about that one? Really not feeling it.
Wow.
There's healthy ego and then there's just fantasy.
You're seeing Allie everywhere, aren't you? No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Make it stop! I can't believe I'm about to do this.
Okay, boys.
It's show time.
You so owe me for this.
For what? Making me look like Skinny McBaggsypants? These shoes are too big.
These pants are falling off.
And this shirt isn't even my colour palette.
I'm a winter, for Pete's sake! Okay look.
Sam, seriously, I know I rag on you and everything, but the truth is you're a smart and interesting guy.
And any girl would be lucky to have you.
Just trust in yourself, and my clothes, and you'll be fine.
Really? Yeah.
Now go and get 'em.
Uhh, I like reading, ballroom dancing and kittens, oh, and movies.
But I need to sit on the aisle claustrophobic, which is why I always take the bus, 'cause cars are too small.
Oh, I'm a vegetarian.
I don't like to eat anything that had a face, but you can.
I mean, let's be honest, beggars can't be choosers.
Okay, see? All we gotta do is trick my dad into making a video like that.
Well, not that, anything but that.
So, hit me back.
Sherman Anderson.
The Sherman-ator.
Pew, pew! More like "Eww, eww!" I don't believe it.
She's giving him her number.
My clothes are awesome! Dude, that was sick.
Up top! She wanted you to have it.
Wow, even dressed like that, you still chalked up another one for the "Gabe Foster Babe Roster".
Spence, I can't think about that now.
I have Sam to worry about.
But remind me to call her later.
Okay, let's do this.
And for once in your life, be subtle! Hey, I know what I'm doing! Okay.
Hey, Mr.
Foster.
I love long walks on the beach.
Don't you? I don't know.
I guess so.
Say it! I love long walks on the beach.
Good, good.
Now, make me believe it! What's going on? Umm, nothing.
It's just this game all these kids are playing at school called, "I love stuff".
For example, I would say "I love a good book.
" And you would say I love walking around in my underwear when the house is empty.
I did not know that.
And I wish I still didn't.
Okay, let's try a different game: things we like to do for fun.
I like to play tennis.
Me too.
Me too, what? I like to play tennis.
Now, a little less angry, a little more Who's that old actor who does charity stuff now? George Clooney.
George Clooney.
You know what, girls? I have dinner to cook.
I don't have time to play your silly games.
You know what? It's okay.
We'll fix it in editing.
Look, look, look, look, look! The onions are making him cry! Perfect! Chicks dig that sensitive junk! Okay, I'm done.
Oh, how is it? You tell me.
TESS: Jack Foster: loving father, dedicated coach, and above-average dancer.
Really? Hey, it's true.
And this way, he doesn't sound stuck up.
Nice.
I love long walks on the beach.
I like to play tennis.
I love to cook dinner I like to play silly games! TESS: Jack Foster: sensitive, caring and available now.
Wow, it's It's Terrible? I wasn't going.
.
to say that! I know, but it's the best I could do with what we've got.
And it's way better than the Sherman-ator.
Walter drinking out of the toilet bowl would get more dates than the Sherman-ator.
I mean, I love it.
Well, have fun at the virtual meat market, Dad.
And, I mean, what's the worst that can happen? Millions of women find him repulsive and you get zero responses? Or we get 450 responses and I'm an artistic genius! There's my handsome, pot-roastin' papa.
You're not getting a new computer.
I don't need a new computer, I just love you, that's all.
Or your own credit card.
Oh, stop it, you big silly.
Here, sit down.
Take a break.
Allie, would you fetch the man a refreshing beverage? Oh, coming right up.
Now, have I ever told you how I appreciate the things you do for this family? Yes, usually when you want something that only my wallet will provide.
handsome, a good cook and always one step ahead of his loving children.
What a catch you would be for any of 489 women in the greater metropolitan area! Excuse me? Sam, slow down! These pants are so tight, my farts are backing up on me! I'm afraid to ask, but as a father, I think I legally have to.
Gabe tried to make me him so I could get a girl and forget about Allie.
But it didn't work because they all wanted Gabe.
And even if they did want me, it wouldn't have mattered 'cause I kept seeing Allie everywhere I looked.
Oh, it's happening again.
She's actually here.
Ow! She is real! Like I said, you are a strange, strange family.
But I do like your shirt.
It's Gabe's.
That explains it.
I was just trying to help! Gabe, you can't set someone up who doesn't wanna be.
It's like I was telling your sister: you can't force love.
Right, Tess? Well Seriously, if someone's not ready to date, then there is nothing, and I mean nothing, anyone can do to change that.
Right, Tess? Well Well, you know, Dad, as much as I love listening to your little nuggets of wisdom, I'm gonna go upstairs and use your new electric razor to shave off these pants.
If you need me, I'll be in the bubble bath, washing this entire day from my mind.
I'm sorry, Honey.
What'd you want to show me? Umm It was just one of those videos of cats playing piano.
But after Gabe and the pants, it's not that funny.
Come on, Allie, let's go.
All right, I'll call you guys for dinner.
Oh, and Tess? Yeah? Next time you wanna shoot a super secret online dating video of me, let me do some push-ups first so I can load up the guns! I Look, don't worry.
I'm going to find someone someday.
I'm not going to be alone forever.
You're not mad? Of course not.
Wait till you see the video.
Shh! Look, I only did it because I know.
And I love you for trying.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, and did I really get over 500 responses? And counting.
Ha ha, yep, I can still rack 'em up on the old Jack Foster "Babe Roster.
" That's what Gabe always says.
Where do you think he got it? Eww! Are you sure you don't want to look at any of your 798 delete your account? No, honey, I meant what I said.
You know, a computer dating service might be fine for some people, but not for this guy.
Okay, here we go, finger getting closer to delete button closer, closer Okay, hold on, hold on.
Maybe just one.
Ha! Boys: so predictable.
Let's go for lucky number 258.
Normally, I'd never do anything like this.
But my twin brother Sherman told me to throw my hook in the water and see what bites.
Oh, and just so you know, I also like silly games.
Hit the delete button.
Let's never speak of this again.