Lip Sync Battle (2015) s01e07 Episode Script
Stephen Merchant vs. Malin Akerman
Friends say it's fine, friends say it's good everybody says it's just like rock 'n' roll ohhhhhhh well, it's plain to see you were meant for me, yeah and I'm your boy, your 20th century toy He's got two Grammys and two fists to knock fools out.
Please welcome our host, LL Cool J.
Welcome to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You know what it is.
You've seen it on TV, you've seen it online, you've seen it everywhere, so you know the game is simple.
Two stars lip-sync two songs.
The audience decides who did it the best, okay? The songs the performers picked are aimed to psych out their opponent.
They picked songs knowing the audience is looking for a degree of difficulty, style, lip-sync ability.
We clear? Right now, here to help me out is our color commentator, my girl Chrissy Teigen.
She'll be throwing down her totally uncut reactions tonight.
Go, Chrissy.
So, at stake is more than pride, bragging rights, and showing you have lip-sync swag.
The winner will take home the ultimate trophy the lip sync championship belt.
Chrissy, can you show them the grand prize? Look at this thing.
Is that not amazing? Have you ever seen a belt like this before? Yeah, get it, yeah.
Shine it up.
You guys ready for a battle? First up, she's a TV star, a movie star.
She's an amazing actress.
Malin Akerman.
Let's meet Malin's opponent.
He is the 1998 English lip-syncing champion, who has come out of retirement for this one-time match.
Everybody, look way, way up in the sky at Stephen Merchant.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, wow.
Good luck, sweet cheeks.
Good luck.
- Good luck, sugar bum.
- Oh, my goodness.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh, a little gamesmanship.
- Don't call me "sweet cheeks.
" - Just chill.
Just chill, sweet.
Okay I like the fake British accent.
It's great.
Thank you.
Now, Stephen demanded that he goes first.
Stephen, have a seat in the lounge.
The V.
I.
P.
lounge.
Malin, come on over.
So, Malin.
Yes.
What is the story? 'Cause I heard it's an intense story.
What is the story behind your first pick? Well, you know, it's funny, because I was on the plane with Stephen Merchant years back, and, you know, we were sitting beside each other, and he had a couple drinks in, and he got a little saucy, and he started talking [Bleep.]
to me.
Mm.
And in the middle of our conversation, he goes, "you know, I want to pour some sugar on you.
" I was like, "you want to what?" Stephen's a freak? To be fair, I was drunk.
I was drunk.
So, what song, exactly, are you gonna do for the people? Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me.
" Love is like a bomb, baby, come on, get it on livin' like a lover with a radar phone lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp demolition woman, can I be your man? Your man razzle and dazzle and flash a little light television lover, baby, go all night sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet little miss innocent, sugar me yeah yeah come on! Take a bottle take a bottle shake it up shake it up break the bubble break it up break it up pour some sugar on me ooh, in the name of love pour some sugar on me come on, fire me up pour your sugar on me I can't get enough I'm hot, sticky, sweet from my head to my feet, yeah Thank you.
This is not fair.
It's really not fair at all.
But I was I didn't realize we were allowed to use our sex appeal.
You still got your chance.
You still have your chance, Stephen.
You can do it now.
Some of that, frankly, young lady, was pornographic.
Yeah.
Your mother's backstage, woman! I saw her.
She taught me everything I know.
- She - Oh, yes.
Did you want to pour sugar on her? Actually, I have I have everything.
Well, I like it dirty.
My dream came true! - Don't slip and fall on your sugar, now.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
We're gonna get arrested.
Yeah, we no, you're gonna get arrested.
Good luck, Stephen.
You was throwing a lot of sugar around there, big boy.
I thought this was a classy show, ll.
I was under that impression, too.
I didn't realize we were dealing with vulgarians.
Stephen I could have brought a one-piece catsuit.
Excuse me.
Your pride is on the line, all right? A little freaky, a little kinky.
Yeah.
What's your first song? Well, as Malin's already hinted, when people look at me, they think of sex symbol.
Yes.
And they think of my deep, rich, olive skin.
Yes.
So what better choice than Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"? Let me be your hero.
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight? I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain oh, yeah I will stand by you forever you can take my breath away quiero ser tu héroe si pudiera ser tu dios porque salvarte a ti mil veces puede ser mi salvación you can take my breath away I can be your hero Good.
Good.
Good.
Look at him now.
The lights were in my eyes.
I was singing to a woman, right? No, actually, it was this dude over here with the lumberjack shirt.
I mean, you really are a Latin lover.
Thank you very much.
Why do you know that? Uh, well, you know Have you been reading my journal again? Absolutely, I've been all in your journal.
Malin, was that not amazing? Yeah, it was not amazing, yeah.
I'm just joking.
Stephen and Malin are both off to a great start, but that's just how I saw it.
Miss Chrissy Teigen, what'd you think? I mean, on one end, we have the stripper song of the century.
Malin, that was fantastic.
Oh, with the sugar? Somebody in here has heard that at a strip club.
That's not just me.
I didn't even know one of my biggest weaknesses is a Brit speaking Spanish.
Ooh.
And I thought it was pretty good.
All right.
See you later, mate.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay, so, it's game on between Malin Akerman and Stephen Merchant.
Stay tuned for more.
"Lip Sync Battle" will be right back.
Pour some sugar on me That was fast.
In the name of love pour some sugar on me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" It's time for round two, where these fearsome opponents get to pull out crazy moves, backup dancers, and literally anything they can dream up.
Malin's up first, so let's check out how she got ready for action.
_ Because Stephen Merchant in real life is a [Bleep.]
asshole.
He's always talking about all his, like, "Flashdance" moves that he's got.
And I was like, "you know what, Merchant?" We're gonna bring it, and everyone's gonna see what a dick you are "and how your 'Flashdance' moves are not so flashy after all.
" Those fake British people.
_ - _ - _ _ _ Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Hey, Stephen, you fake [Bleep.]
Brit, I'm gonna [Bleep.]
bring you down like a mother[Bleep.]
brick house, boy.
Oh, my god, it's starting, it's starting! LL Cool J.
Ha, get jazzy on it.
I'm that flight that you get on international first-class seat on my lap, girl ridin' comfortable ha, 'cause I know what the girl, them need New York to Haiti I got lipstick stamps on my passport you make it hard to leave been around the world, don't speak the language but your booty don't need explainin' all I really need to understand is when you talk dirty to me Talk dirty to me talk dirty to me talk dirty to me get jazzy on it you know the words to my songs no habla inglés our conversations ain't long but you know what is I know what the girl, them want London to Taiwan I got lipstick stamps on my passport I think I need a new one talk dirty to me Oh, man.
Damn, I like your style.
Thanks.
Dang, you look like you jumped in my closet or something.
Stephen, what did you think of Malin's performance? Listen, LL.
You know that I am one of the most fierce lip-sync competitors.
I know.
And a veteran of the game.
But fair is fair.
I felt Malin there gave you a run for your own hip-hop flow.
That's why I'm the host.
When it's over, it's over.
Chrissy, what did you think? She's, like, the most adorable gangster I've ever seen.
She looks like if American Girl dolls made, like, a thug Samantha.
I love it.
Well, Malin, you go over there with Stephen.
Tell him where he can buy some illegal guns at.
That was dirty, dirty good.
Stay tuned for more Stephen Merchant and Malin Akerman on "Lip Sync Battle.
" Talk dirty to me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" The world is about to find out who gets to win the most coveted championship belt in the universe.
Stephen is about to break out the performance of his life.
Let's see how he plans to one-up his lovely opponent.
Right now, I'm at intensity level 4.
But when I hit that stage, I'm gonna be 4 1/2.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
But I'm gonna use that nervousness as an energy that I can feed off, like a giant tyrannosaurus rex devouring the rotting corpse of anxiety.
Does that metaphor work? I feel like it got complicated.
Merchant, you've got this.
Don't think about her.
Just think about yourself.
Don't think about all the kids that laughed and pointed at you at school and said, "oh, look, here's the giant, lanky freak.
" Don't think about what your mother said "oh, Steve, you'll never amount to anything.
" Focus, enjoy, 'cause it's your time.
Malin, watch out, because I dance like a butterfly and I sting like a butterfly.
If you ain't dirty, you ain't here to party! Ladies, move, gentlemen, move somebody ring the alarm, a fire in the room ooh, I'm overdue gimme some room, comin' through paid my dues, I'm in the mood me and my girls come to shake the room deejay spinnin', show your hands let's get dirty, that's my jam I need that uhh to get me off sweatin' till my clothes come off it's explosive, speakers are thumpin' still jumpin' 6:00 in the morning table dancin', glasses are crashin' no question, time for some action temperature's up 'bout to erupt gonna get my girls, get your boys gonna make some noise gonna get rowdy gonna get a little unruly get it fired up in a hurry wanna get dirty oh, oh here it comes it's the one you been waitin' on get up, get it rough, yup, that's what's up givin' just what you love to the maximum uh-oh here we go, here we go what to do when the music starts to drop that's when we take it to the parkin' lot and I bet you somebody's gonna call the cops uh-oh here we go, here we go who-o-o-h, yeah Oh, my god.
That was amazing.
If you want to if you want to stay in this game, give the people what they want.
You under-promised and over-delivered.
Yo.
Malin, talk to me.
Talk dirty to me.
I mean, Stephen What do you think of the leather chaps? I like what's happening in between the leather chaps, first of all.
Is it a sock? Yo, I Do you like that? I thought it'd be worse.
Now, that that is You know you're on TV, right? - I know.
I'm so sorry.
- What did you think? I don't know.
I had all of these notes written down, and then it just all went to honestly, just just awesome.
You did great.
Malin, fantastic.
I love that song.
But what just happened? I mean, that was amazing.
There's a time before you saw this and a time after, and you can never go back.
Oh, Steve, have just have a seat.
Just sit down, and no, no, not that seat, though, 'cause I sit there, and it's gonna be all moist.
Sit on that seat.
Oh.
Stay tuned to see who wins the lip sync championship belt.
We'll find out in a moment.
Talk dirty to me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You've seen both sugary sweet and really nasty performances.
And now the moment has come.
Chrissy, the belt, please.
And now who takes it home is up to you guys, all right? Ready for the big moment? Is the winner Malin Akerman? Or is the winner Stephen Merchant? And the winner is Stephen Merchant! Give him a round of applause, y'all.
Well, Stephen and Malin, thank you very much for a great night of fun.
I truly appreciate both of you.
And make sure you check out our next "Lip Sync Battle.
" I'm LL Cool J, and for me, Chrissy, and everyone in the lip sync crew, good night.
And remember, knock 'em out the box, L.
Knock 'em out, L.
It's explosive, speakers are thumpin' still jumpin' 6:00 in the morning table dancin', glasses are crashin' no question, time for some action temperature's up 'bout to erupt gonna get my girls, get your boys gonna make some noise gonna get rowdy gonna get a little unruly get it fired up in a hurry wanna get dirty it's about time that I came to start the party sweat drippin' over my
Please welcome our host, LL Cool J.
Welcome to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You know what it is.
You've seen it on TV, you've seen it online, you've seen it everywhere, so you know the game is simple.
Two stars lip-sync two songs.
The audience decides who did it the best, okay? The songs the performers picked are aimed to psych out their opponent.
They picked songs knowing the audience is looking for a degree of difficulty, style, lip-sync ability.
We clear? Right now, here to help me out is our color commentator, my girl Chrissy Teigen.
She'll be throwing down her totally uncut reactions tonight.
Go, Chrissy.
So, at stake is more than pride, bragging rights, and showing you have lip-sync swag.
The winner will take home the ultimate trophy the lip sync championship belt.
Chrissy, can you show them the grand prize? Look at this thing.
Is that not amazing? Have you ever seen a belt like this before? Yeah, get it, yeah.
Shine it up.
You guys ready for a battle? First up, she's a TV star, a movie star.
She's an amazing actress.
Malin Akerman.
Let's meet Malin's opponent.
He is the 1998 English lip-syncing champion, who has come out of retirement for this one-time match.
Everybody, look way, way up in the sky at Stephen Merchant.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, wow.
Good luck, sweet cheeks.
Good luck.
- Good luck, sugar bum.
- Oh, my goodness.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh, a little gamesmanship.
- Don't call me "sweet cheeks.
" - Just chill.
Just chill, sweet.
Okay I like the fake British accent.
It's great.
Thank you.
Now, Stephen demanded that he goes first.
Stephen, have a seat in the lounge.
The V.
I.
P.
lounge.
Malin, come on over.
So, Malin.
Yes.
What is the story? 'Cause I heard it's an intense story.
What is the story behind your first pick? Well, you know, it's funny, because I was on the plane with Stephen Merchant years back, and, you know, we were sitting beside each other, and he had a couple drinks in, and he got a little saucy, and he started talking [Bleep.]
to me.
Mm.
And in the middle of our conversation, he goes, "you know, I want to pour some sugar on you.
" I was like, "you want to what?" Stephen's a freak? To be fair, I was drunk.
I was drunk.
So, what song, exactly, are you gonna do for the people? Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me.
" Love is like a bomb, baby, come on, get it on livin' like a lover with a radar phone lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp demolition woman, can I be your man? Your man razzle and dazzle and flash a little light television lover, baby, go all night sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet little miss innocent, sugar me yeah yeah come on! Take a bottle take a bottle shake it up shake it up break the bubble break it up break it up pour some sugar on me ooh, in the name of love pour some sugar on me come on, fire me up pour your sugar on me I can't get enough I'm hot, sticky, sweet from my head to my feet, yeah Thank you.
This is not fair.
It's really not fair at all.
But I was I didn't realize we were allowed to use our sex appeal.
You still got your chance.
You still have your chance, Stephen.
You can do it now.
Some of that, frankly, young lady, was pornographic.
Yeah.
Your mother's backstage, woman! I saw her.
She taught me everything I know.
- She - Oh, yes.
Did you want to pour sugar on her? Actually, I have I have everything.
Well, I like it dirty.
My dream came true! - Don't slip and fall on your sugar, now.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
We're gonna get arrested.
Yeah, we no, you're gonna get arrested.
Good luck, Stephen.
You was throwing a lot of sugar around there, big boy.
I thought this was a classy show, ll.
I was under that impression, too.
I didn't realize we were dealing with vulgarians.
Stephen I could have brought a one-piece catsuit.
Excuse me.
Your pride is on the line, all right? A little freaky, a little kinky.
Yeah.
What's your first song? Well, as Malin's already hinted, when people look at me, they think of sex symbol.
Yes.
And they think of my deep, rich, olive skin.
Yes.
So what better choice than Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"? Let me be your hero.
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight? I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain oh, yeah I will stand by you forever you can take my breath away quiero ser tu héroe si pudiera ser tu dios porque salvarte a ti mil veces puede ser mi salvación you can take my breath away I can be your hero Good.
Good.
Good.
Look at him now.
The lights were in my eyes.
I was singing to a woman, right? No, actually, it was this dude over here with the lumberjack shirt.
I mean, you really are a Latin lover.
Thank you very much.
Why do you know that? Uh, well, you know Have you been reading my journal again? Absolutely, I've been all in your journal.
Malin, was that not amazing? Yeah, it was not amazing, yeah.
I'm just joking.
Stephen and Malin are both off to a great start, but that's just how I saw it.
Miss Chrissy Teigen, what'd you think? I mean, on one end, we have the stripper song of the century.
Malin, that was fantastic.
Oh, with the sugar? Somebody in here has heard that at a strip club.
That's not just me.
I didn't even know one of my biggest weaknesses is a Brit speaking Spanish.
Ooh.
And I thought it was pretty good.
All right.
See you later, mate.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay, so, it's game on between Malin Akerman and Stephen Merchant.
Stay tuned for more.
"Lip Sync Battle" will be right back.
Pour some sugar on me That was fast.
In the name of love pour some sugar on me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" It's time for round two, where these fearsome opponents get to pull out crazy moves, backup dancers, and literally anything they can dream up.
Malin's up first, so let's check out how she got ready for action.
_ Because Stephen Merchant in real life is a [Bleep.]
asshole.
He's always talking about all his, like, "Flashdance" moves that he's got.
And I was like, "you know what, Merchant?" We're gonna bring it, and everyone's gonna see what a dick you are "and how your 'Flashdance' moves are not so flashy after all.
" Those fake British people.
_ - _ - _ _ _ Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Hey, Stephen, you fake [Bleep.]
Brit, I'm gonna [Bleep.]
bring you down like a mother[Bleep.]
brick house, boy.
Oh, my god, it's starting, it's starting! LL Cool J.
Ha, get jazzy on it.
I'm that flight that you get on international first-class seat on my lap, girl ridin' comfortable ha, 'cause I know what the girl, them need New York to Haiti I got lipstick stamps on my passport you make it hard to leave been around the world, don't speak the language but your booty don't need explainin' all I really need to understand is when you talk dirty to me Talk dirty to me talk dirty to me talk dirty to me get jazzy on it you know the words to my songs no habla inglés our conversations ain't long but you know what is I know what the girl, them want London to Taiwan I got lipstick stamps on my passport I think I need a new one talk dirty to me Oh, man.
Damn, I like your style.
Thanks.
Dang, you look like you jumped in my closet or something.
Stephen, what did you think of Malin's performance? Listen, LL.
You know that I am one of the most fierce lip-sync competitors.
I know.
And a veteran of the game.
But fair is fair.
I felt Malin there gave you a run for your own hip-hop flow.
That's why I'm the host.
When it's over, it's over.
Chrissy, what did you think? She's, like, the most adorable gangster I've ever seen.
She looks like if American Girl dolls made, like, a thug Samantha.
I love it.
Well, Malin, you go over there with Stephen.
Tell him where he can buy some illegal guns at.
That was dirty, dirty good.
Stay tuned for more Stephen Merchant and Malin Akerman on "Lip Sync Battle.
" Talk dirty to me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" The world is about to find out who gets to win the most coveted championship belt in the universe.
Stephen is about to break out the performance of his life.
Let's see how he plans to one-up his lovely opponent.
Right now, I'm at intensity level 4.
But when I hit that stage, I'm gonna be 4 1/2.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
But I'm gonna use that nervousness as an energy that I can feed off, like a giant tyrannosaurus rex devouring the rotting corpse of anxiety.
Does that metaphor work? I feel like it got complicated.
Merchant, you've got this.
Don't think about her.
Just think about yourself.
Don't think about all the kids that laughed and pointed at you at school and said, "oh, look, here's the giant, lanky freak.
" Don't think about what your mother said "oh, Steve, you'll never amount to anything.
" Focus, enjoy, 'cause it's your time.
Malin, watch out, because I dance like a butterfly and I sting like a butterfly.
If you ain't dirty, you ain't here to party! Ladies, move, gentlemen, move somebody ring the alarm, a fire in the room ooh, I'm overdue gimme some room, comin' through paid my dues, I'm in the mood me and my girls come to shake the room deejay spinnin', show your hands let's get dirty, that's my jam I need that uhh to get me off sweatin' till my clothes come off it's explosive, speakers are thumpin' still jumpin' 6:00 in the morning table dancin', glasses are crashin' no question, time for some action temperature's up 'bout to erupt gonna get my girls, get your boys gonna make some noise gonna get rowdy gonna get a little unruly get it fired up in a hurry wanna get dirty oh, oh here it comes it's the one you been waitin' on get up, get it rough, yup, that's what's up givin' just what you love to the maximum uh-oh here we go, here we go what to do when the music starts to drop that's when we take it to the parkin' lot and I bet you somebody's gonna call the cops uh-oh here we go, here we go who-o-o-h, yeah Oh, my god.
That was amazing.
If you want to if you want to stay in this game, give the people what they want.
You under-promised and over-delivered.
Yo.
Malin, talk to me.
Talk dirty to me.
I mean, Stephen What do you think of the leather chaps? I like what's happening in between the leather chaps, first of all.
Is it a sock? Yo, I Do you like that? I thought it'd be worse.
Now, that that is You know you're on TV, right? - I know.
I'm so sorry.
- What did you think? I don't know.
I had all of these notes written down, and then it just all went to honestly, just just awesome.
You did great.
Malin, fantastic.
I love that song.
But what just happened? I mean, that was amazing.
There's a time before you saw this and a time after, and you can never go back.
Oh, Steve, have just have a seat.
Just sit down, and no, no, not that seat, though, 'cause I sit there, and it's gonna be all moist.
Sit on that seat.
Oh.
Stay tuned to see who wins the lip sync championship belt.
We'll find out in a moment.
Talk dirty to me Welcome back to "Lip Sync Battle.
" You've seen both sugary sweet and really nasty performances.
And now the moment has come.
Chrissy, the belt, please.
And now who takes it home is up to you guys, all right? Ready for the big moment? Is the winner Malin Akerman? Or is the winner Stephen Merchant? And the winner is Stephen Merchant! Give him a round of applause, y'all.
Well, Stephen and Malin, thank you very much for a great night of fun.
I truly appreciate both of you.
And make sure you check out our next "Lip Sync Battle.
" I'm LL Cool J, and for me, Chrissy, and everyone in the lip sync crew, good night.
And remember, knock 'em out the box, L.
Knock 'em out, L.
It's explosive, speakers are thumpin' still jumpin' 6:00 in the morning table dancin', glasses are crashin' no question, time for some action temperature's up 'bout to erupt gonna get my girls, get your boys gonna make some noise gonna get rowdy gonna get a little unruly get it fired up in a hurry wanna get dirty it's about time that I came to start the party sweat drippin' over my