Little Britain (UK) s01e07 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Land of diversity! There are hardback books and paperback books, socks come in different lengths and eggs is cooked in a variety of ways.
But how diverse are the people of Britain? We aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British persons! 0h, ma sweet lil! Hallelujah! In her bedsit on this estate in Darkley Noone, young mother Vicky Pollard meets her social worker.
So how are you coping with everything, Vicky? No, we was all in the park laughing 'cause Nicola was gonna set fire to Candice's hair but Ryan Morris butted in, who I hate, and he phlegmed in my mouth.
''Oh, my God! ''I so can't believe we just done that!'' And you know Amanda Kaye, right? - She said she'd do it for a Creme Egg! - So you're fine.
Good.
How's the baby? - Fine.
- Can I see her? - It's not her.
It's it.
- Well, can I see it? No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no, because we was all going down the offy but they wouldn't serve us 'cause Emma only looks about nine, so we was going to Wimpy, but Liberty went up the arcade with Sophie Bannerman instead and Vanessa told Tony that I fancy David Wu, but everyone knows he's got scabby legs.
- And the baby? - I'm getting there! There was this whole thing.
Carmella's mum was going away so she said she'd have a party, but then her mum found out, then she had it, but I wasn't invited, so me and Jools went round Michaela's house and Kelly said Penny Webb's got hairy tits.
Vicky, where is the baby? Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
- How could you do such a thing? - I know.
They're rubbish.
Don't go giving me evils! Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops.
This isn't a toy shop.
It's a real shop.
Hello! Looking for anything in particular? Yes, do you have any pirate memory games suitable for children between 4 and 8? Eh, I'll just have a look.
I can't see any here.
One moment.
Margaret? Margaret? - Yes? - A gentleman here wants pirate memory games.
- Ages 4 - Ages 4 to 8.
We should have some, up by the farm toys.
Oh, yes.
Here we are.
Pieces of Eight.
A pirate memory game.
Ages 4 to 8.
- Can I have a look? - There you go.
''Match the pirates and find the treasure.
'' That all right for you? Have you got any other pirate memory games? - Em - It's not quite what I had in mind.
I can't see any here.
One moment.
- Margaret? Margaret? - What? - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - What? - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - No! - That's the only one.
What's wrong with that? - That's the only one.
What's wrong with that? - I wanted something a little less pirate-y.
- He wanted something a little less pirate-y! - Has he tried Simmons? - Have you tried Simmons? - Yes, I've just been there.
- I don't know what to suggest.
Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? Er, I'm not sure.
Margaret'll know.
One moment.
Margaret? Margaret? Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? - Near here.
- I don't think there are any in the local area.
She doesn't think there are any in the local area.
OK, I'llI'll just wait.
Meanwhile, the fatties arrive for their weekly meeting.
Paul, can I just have a quick word, please? - Paul, what happened last night was a one-off.
- Yeah, I was gonna say something.
- I don't know what came over me.
- I had too much to drink.
I had more.
Whatever.
It's not gonna happen again.
OK? So let's just try and forget about it and not let it come into the meeting.
All right? OK.
Welcome to ''FatFighters''.
Now, today we're gonna be talking about motivation.
You all need a little bit more motivation, so what we're gonna do is start with a little exercise.
I want everybody to close their eyes.
Close your eyes, yeah.
Empty your thoughts.
That's it, yeah.
And picture yourself naked.
Not nice, is it? Eh? Who the hell would want a great lump like that huffing and puffing on top of them all night? Eyes closed, Paul.
In Herby, Lou Todd has kindly offered to paint his friend Andy's bedroom.
- Now, are you sure you want red? - Yeah.
- I've got a very nice blue here.
You like blue.
- Yeah, I know.
- But you'd rather have red? - Red, yeah.
You did ask for red last time and then said you didn't like it.
You said it was oppressive.
You said red was the colour of blood and death.
- Yeah, I know.
- So what's it to be? - Red.
- I'm not painting it once and then having to do it again 'cause you say you don't like it.
That's a right kerfuffle.
- I know.
- So final choice, red? Red! Yeah.
- Do you want to do the last little bit? - Yeah.
OK.
There we go.
There, finished.
I don't like red.
For 20 years now, Len Boothe has been taking visitors on his tour of the charming village of Pove.
OK, ladies and gents.
First up, on your right, is St Robin's church.
Er, the church was built in 1508, although there was actually a fire here in 1812 and the original wooden roof was destroyed.
It's a funny thing.
I will always have fond memories of that church because it was on that bench there that me and my wife Eileen first kissed.
And we've been married 32 year this year.
Thank you very much.
Now, next up is the Hanging Judge, which is actually the oldest pub in Pove.
Dates back to, we think, 1604.
Why it's called the Hanging Judge, no one seems to know.
Incidentally, just in the beer garden by the swings is where Eileen first permitted me to have a little go on her breasts.
OK We're coming up now to the Old Bridge, which actually goes back to Roman times.
It was actually under this bridge that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me.
Happy days, yeah.
Sorry, it's a no-smoking vehicle, love.
OK.
Now we are coming up to one of the oldest blacksmiths in the country.
Legend has it that Charles I stopped off there to get his horse's shoes changed.
And it was just down that path there that I first took Eileen up the wrong 'un.
Moving on Meanwhile, at this pub in Llandewi Breffi, the glasses are being collected early because it's a special night.
Oh, Myfanwy, these crisps are cheese and onion.
Oh.
Do gay people not like cheese and onion? Well, I don't and I am a gay.
- I'll open the barbecue beef.
- If you wouldn't mind.
I think you're gonna get a big crowd in tonight.
I'd be very surprised, Myfanwy.
Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.
- So you keep saying.
- It's five to eight.
I might as well go home.
But it's still early.
It says eight o'clock on the posters.
I don't know why I bother putting on this gay night.
It was doomed.
I imagine I'll always be the only gay in the village.
Good night to you.
(ALL) Ooooh! Ooooh! Get back! Get back, you gay bastards! There's hundreds of 'em! What am I gonna do? - Well, let them in! - No! Get rid of 'em! I'll do no such thing! You made your gay bed, now lie in it! - Myfanwy! - Daffyd (ALL) Ooooh! Quiet! Liza Minnelli! Thank you.
Now, I'm very sorry, gays, but I'm afraid Gay Night has been cancelled.
- Oh, no! - Yes, I've just had a letter from the council saying that there's only one gay allowed in Llandewi Breffi and that's me.
So if you could all return to your neighbouring villages, please.
Ooh! - Oh, Daffyd, you bloody fool! - What? Think of all the cock and bum fun you could have had! That's the last time I close my pub for one of your gay nights! Got something against gay people, have you? Samantha Grant recently upset her parents by marrying her former teacher.
In an effort to clear the air, she has invited them round for dinner.
- What time are your parents coming? - Any minute now! - Calm down, Samantha.
- I just want everything to be right.
Look, I may have been your teacher, but we're just like any other couple.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - The bell is a signal for me, not you.
- I'll just put the veg on.
- Ah, Mr and Mrs Hughes.
Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- Please, sit down.
Right, Samantha Samantha, Samantha, Samantha Samantha Carver Ah! Yes, Samantha Grant.
Yes.
I mean, overall it's been a good three months of marriage for Samantha.
Um, she's a very clever girl.
She's got a lot to say for herself.
Sometimes a little too much! - And her work can be a little slapdash.
- What do you mean? Well, um, take this, for example.
She's dusted it, obviously at the last minute, and missed around the edges.
So I had to give her 6 out of 10.
Could you bring in the wine now, please, Samantha? - Walk, don't run! - Sorry! Still cooking.
- Smells lovely, dear.
We've missed you, pet.
- Hello, stranger.
How might one order a bottle of wine in France? Samantha? - Oh.
Une boutteille de vin, s'il vous plaît.
- Ah, c'est formidable! Samantha's very good at oral.
Meanwhile, it is a sad day at Sandi Toksvig House.
- We're very sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Do come in.
She's just through there.
It sounds awful to say, butin a way it's a relief.
- Yes.
- She'd been very ill for many years.
We'd had so many scares.
So in the end it was just very peaceful.
Mr Garfield, can you come in here a moment? - Excuse me.
- Of course.
Come on, Bernard.
Kitty wouldn't want you to cry.
- Mr Chumley? - Yes? - She's not dead.
- No, I know.
Any chance you could take her anyway? - (THUD ON WALL) - Yes, all right, Kitty! 0ver ten board games are sold every day in Britain.
The most popular are Ask Alan, Frobisher's Fingers and Pigdog.
- This is the big one! It's Snakes and Snakes! - Right.
You know Snakes and Ladders? It's like that, but with snakes.
- Right.
- There is a snake on every square.
Devilishly difficult.
No one's ever finished it.
How's that for starters? Got another one! - Milk Round.
- Right.
How does Milk Round work? You are a milkman delivering milk - or a woman - to a house from your van, or a flat.
Right.
You be the milk bottle.
I will be the loaf of bread.
Right, pick a card.
- What's it say? - ''Two pints of milk, please.
'' Right.
What that means is, please, two pints of milk, please, for house number one.
Right? Roll the dice.
- I said roll the dice! - Oh! Sorry.
- Six.
Ignore it.
Right, what are you again? - I think I'm the milk bottle.
I wanted to be the milk bottle.
- Right.
This is all very interesting - Got another one! Scratch Wood Scratch.
Your go.
- No! - I don't even know what the I don't know.
I've never seen that move before.
Let me just check the rule book.
Yeah, you've won! You're a clever one, I'll give you that.
Right, got another one.
- Throw Baby, Catch Baby.
Needs a real baby.
- No.
- Cards? - No.
- Fighting? - How can I put this? I'm sorry.
There's some misunderstanding here.
- We are not a games manufacturer.
- Yeah.
And we've never made games here.
We import tyres.
You do know that? Yeah.
Your point being? At Kelsey Grammar School, a new term is beginning.
You may sit.
Right, let me introduce myself.
My name is Mr Cleeves and I will be teaching youbiology.
Good! And he never took an assembly again! - This sorbet's delicious.
Did you make it? - Yes, with a little help from Nigella.
- What? - I got it out of Nigella Lawson's book.
- You copied it from Nigella? - Well You took the work of another girl and passed it off as your own.
Right, in the bin! - I was enjoying that! - Yes, well, no one likes a cheat.
Sorry about that.
He doesn't always treat me like I'm still at school.
- Coffee, anyone? - Yes, please, darling.
That would be lovely.
There we are.
I think it's wonderful they still do this free milk.
Child labour is thankfully alive and well in Britain.
Today some child actors are auditioning for a production of ''Bugsy Malone''.
- James Wilton and Ralph Patterson.
- It's Raif.
- If you don't get it, we'll sell the rabbit.
- OK, Mum, I'll do my best.
OK, good luck, love.
Oh, don't forget your tap shoes and tell them your cousin was on ''Double Dare''! Does your boy go up for much? Oh, no, no, this is his first.
Apart from the school play, like.
- Oh, so he's not at stage school? - No, just normal school.
He don't stand a chance, then.
What you've got to do is get him into a stage school.
- Are they not quite dear? - Got to make sacrifices.
I sold me shoes.
And I'm on the game.
Just so Raif can go to Italia Conti.
- So it's good, then? - It's worth every penny.
- He got down to the last 12 for Dairylea.
- Really? Yes, I'm not a liar! Well, thanks for all your advice, like.
We always knew he was gonna be an actor, ever since before he was born.
- He's so talented.
They say he gets it from me.
- Right.
I would have loved to have gone to a stage school, but my mother wouldn't make the sacrifices.
Still, she's blind now and that gives me some comfort.
Are you single or? Mr Wilton? We'd like to recall James.
Mrs Patterson, thank you.
You're free to go.
- Well done, lad! - Yeah, well done.
Really, really well done.
- Aaaagh! - Oh! Is he all right? - He's bleeding! - Oh, he won't be Bugsy Malone now, will he? Come on.
Better luck next time, eh? Crazy! You'll be all right.
OK? Let's have a look, let's have a look.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
We'll go and get it cleaned up, right? We'll get it cleaned up.
It's party conference time and late at night in his hotel room the Prime Minister is making some final changes to his big speech.
I love party conferences.
They're brilliant.
I've got them all on video.
That all seems fine.
Just punch up the stuff about education reform.
- Let's call it a night.
- OK.
We'll get to work on that.
- We'll see you in the morning.
- Good night, Prime Minister.
Good night.
- Oh, I thought they'd never leave! - Is there something you wanted to talk about? Not really, no.
Oh, I'm shattered.
(PHONE RINGS) It's probably the Japanese Prime Minister.
Would you mind? - Can I just use your loo? - Yeah.
Hello? Yeah, yeah.
Put him through.
Kazuko! Konichiwa! Yes, it's coming along.
Look, I've got the treaty right here.
What exactly are your objections to it? No, I do realise it's a very sensitive issue for your people.
Yeah.
No, I appreciate your concerns about the second clause.
Perhaps we could look at making an amendment that everybody wouldagree with.
Yes? No, I shall be meeting with the Cabinet tomorrow.
We'll get a much clearer picture.
No, I think it's I think it's very nearly there.
It's just a couple of details, isn't it? Mm? No, I t I take it you'll be at the summit on the 15th? - It's very important we have it resolved.
- Are you guys gonna be long? He'll call you back.
Be gentle with me, Prime Minister.
At his home in Herby, Andy is busy eating his own body weight in nuts.
- What are you watching? ''Monster Trucks''? - ''Monster Trucks'', yeah.
Well, I have got something rather special for you.
- What is it? - It's the new chair you wanted.
- Yeah, I know.
- I had to go all the way to Cranmouth for it.
It was a right kerfuffle.
Right, let's pop you in it here.
One, two, aargh! That's got you, that's got you.
That's got you.
Ooh! That's got you.
That's got you.
- I don't like it.
- Give it a chance.
- I wanna get out.
- Maybe you just need a cushion or something.
I'll go and pop your tea on and then I'll come back and sort it out.
- Everything all right? - Yeah, fine.
- Roy? - Yes, Margaret? - Is the pirate memory game man still there? - Yes, Margaret! - Because I think I've found something.
- Oh! Oh, my word! How funny! Cap'n Jack's Pirate Memory Game.
Ages - how funny - ages 4 to 8.
- And it does look a little less pirate-y.
- Well, what does he reckon? Well, what do you reckon? - Can I have a look at the other one again? - Yes, of course.
There you go.
(HEAVY BREATHING) - And how much is this one again? - They both retail at £4.
95.
- Oh.
- Is there a problem? I was hoping to spend around £4.
80.
I'll be getting some money for my birthday.
I'll buy it then.
Yes.
(HEAVY SIGH) Sheltered accommodation is where people who are too old and lazy to do things for themselves are kept.
- Do I look all right? - Yeah, you look fine.
- (RINGS DOORBELL) - Sono grandad in the frame? No.
No, he died ten years ago.
Oh, greatshock that must have been.
- Oh, hello, love.
- Hello, Nan.
- Sorry to keep you.
Me hip's playing up again.
- You remember Jason.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) Hello.
Ooh! Mind me bag, it's nearly full! - We got your shopping.
- Oh, you are good.
Come in, come in.
- I'm sorry I'm in me nightie.
- It's all right.
You've got the figure for it.
Oh, thanks! - We'll just put these away for you.
- Oh, thanks.
Cheers (!) Thanks for helping with the shopping.
You are a good boy.
I can be a bad boy sometimes.
- It's hot in here.
- I like it nice and warm.
Working up .
.
quite a sweat.
You couldn't pass me that pouffe, could you, dear? Me feet are killing me.
- There you go.
- Oh, ta.
Oh, baby.
- Is that nice? - Oh, yeah.
- What about here? - Mm.
Don't know if you wanted sugar, Jase - What's going on? - It's not what it looks like.
Get out.
Get out! - (DOOR SLAMS) - Is he a trained chiropodist? Oh, I forgot to say, I won't be here tomorrow night.
Mr Jackson will be filling in for me.
Right.
I think that's ready to go in the oven now.
Whoa! I've got it, I've got it.
Yeah, down a bit.
A bit lower.
If we try it round this way And so we have reached the end of this evening's television programme.
And what a remarkable array of Britons we've met.
My favourites were the little kicking boy, Beefy Bill, and Dicky Snapples, the dwarf who hides apples.
Until next time, goodbive!