Living Biblically (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

1 My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
- And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
Oh, Lord, I thank you for this bounty that I am about to eat.
I hope "bounty" doesn't sound sarcastic.
I don't know, saying "tuna sandwich" in a prayer It's weird.
All right, close eyes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, Lord, please protect me from the mayonnaise, which is two months past the sell-by date, but which-which I firmly believe is still safe to eat.
They just want me to buy more, you know? That's how they get you, Lord.
Well, not you.
You being all-knowing and everything.
- Babe, eat the sandwich! - (SCREAMS) You know, this isn't easy, and if I'm gonna live by the Bible, praying plays a pretty huge part.
I mean, this thing never shuts up about it.
The thing is, my mom is coming to visit tomorrow.
- Ah.
- And, as you know, my mom Has never liked me and has always wished you'd married an astrophysicist.
No.
She'd be fine with a regular physicist.
(LAUGHS) But let's face it, she's gonna be around more once the baby's here, and I want to raise our kid in a home that is full of peace and harmony.
Well, that's easy.
Let's just not have your mom over.
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding! Of course, yes.
I hear you.
I will try.
But, you know, the woman is no fan of the Bible.
No, she's not, and you have a Jesus key chain.
Are you referring to Keysus? I just want her to understand why I love you so much.
So, maybe while she's here, you could, um, keep the praying on the DL? (CLICKS TONGUE) (SIGHS) (QUIETLY): I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Well, I prayed as a kid, sure, but I'd just always get so distracted.
I mean, I'd start with the "Hail Mary, full of grace," and then I'd just wind up thinking about Sigourney Weaver in her tiny underpants in Alien.
Save it for confession, Chip, preferably on my day off.
But, man, I tell you, trying to get back into prayer as an adult, it just feels so awkward.
I mean, there's thousands of ways to do it, you know? Uh, out loud or silently.
That was two ways.
- Both work.
- CHIP: Yes.
If I only think it, how does God know which are the thoughts that I want him to listen to and which are the "Sigourney in her underpants" thoughts? God listens in on everything.
He's like Gil when I take a phone call.
That reminds me, I don't care for the way your nephew speaks to you.
You're overthinking it, Chip, which is rare for you.
I mean, stop focusing on the mechanics.
There's no one right way to pray.
It's not like treating a nosebleed.
Head forward.
Head back.
Don't be so self-conscious about it.
Y-You got to surrender yourself.
Just keep at it.
Trust me, you'll-you'll know it when you feel it.
Okay.
Gene, if you tilt your head back during a nosebleed, you're just guzzling blood! Yeah, you're putting it back in the body.
I mean, if you're tilting forward, you're dumping it on the carpet.
You want a bloody carpet? I don't.
Guys, you have to apply pressure to the bridge.
Obviously, you have to apply pressure to the bridge.
What are we, morons? I don't know what your problem is, man.
Prayer's easy.
You just do it, like so.
Amen.
And you think God understood all that? Look at my life, Chip.
Oh, I got you.
- Thanks, Chip.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
Now I feel bad for eating your sandwich yesterday.
That was you? Ease up on the mustard next time.
Oh, I got you.
Take your time.
I don't like this new Chip.
You used to close the door on everybody.
Old lady close.
Me on crutches close.
Yeah, I know.
But, you see, in Hebrews 13, it says that I got to Hebrews didn't know Meadows.
Close the door, close the door.
Oh.
I got you.
Thanks, Chip.
Yeah.
At least someone in this office is a considerate person.
- Oh! - Hit the stairs, toots.
(SIGHS) - How 'bout this weather, Ms.
Meadows? - Not doing it, Vince.
- Okay.
- (ELEVATOR RATTLING) - (ALL SHOUTING, GASPING) - Oh.
All right, all right, all right.
- It's no big deal.
- No big deal? Chip, it's blue in here! Just give it a second, all right? - Nobody panic.
- (ELEVATOR RATTLING) (ALL SHOUTING, SCREAMING) Whoa! Uh, no signal.
Not good! You got a signal? You picking up on this signal? CHIP: All right, everybody.
Just It's gonna be all right.
Okay? We got a help button.
Huh.
That's weird.
Like I said, nobody panic.
- (ELEVATOR RATTLING) - (ALL SHOUTING, SCREAMING) Let me out of here! VINCE: Hello! Help! (SIGHS) I understand if you guys want to eat me first.
Unless you guys don't like Indian food.
(SIGHS) Ms.
Meadows? I couldn't help notice you Blair Witch-ing it up over there.
You all right? Yes, Chip.
I'm fine.
My issue is just that I am absolutely certain that we're all gonna die in here.
We're gonna drop 15 floors, and when they pry these doors open, all they are gonna find is a big pile of clothes and meat! It's hamburger time! No, no, no, no! Guys, no! Calm down, all right? Nobody's gonna end up a pile of meat.
I'm dying a single man.
How pathetic is that? Hey, I'm single.
(CHUCKLES) Am I pathetic? That decides it.
If I get out of this alive, I'm calling my ex, Debbie, the one who got away.
What? Debbie? The one you said that wouldn't stop smothering you and then you dumped her so brutally, she pushed you out of her car while it was moving? And then she got away.
She's the closest I've ever come to settling down.
- (ELEVATOR RATTLING) - (ALL SCREAMING) Pass the ketchup, 'cause it's hamburger time! (SHOUTING) (MEADOWS GROANING LOUDLY) All right, come on, Ms.
Meadows.
Let's take some deep breaths, okay? Hee-hee-hoo.
Hee-hee-hoo.
Hee-hee-hoo the hell do you think you're talking to, Chip? - (RATTLING) - (SCREAMS) I do not do well with stuff like this.
- (ELEVATOR RATTLING) - Oh, God! Somebody do something! All right.
I'm gonna pray.
- Somebody do something else.
- No.
Come on.
Everybody get up.
(GRUNTING) - Everybody grab hands.
- (MEADOWS SIGHS HEAVILY) Can I get between two girls, at least? Nice.
(EXHALES) Lord, we turn to you in our hour of need.
We humbly ask that you deliver us from danger so that we may see our loved ones again.
Please, Lord, grant us your mercy.
Amen.
(ELEVATOR CLACKING) Everybody okay? It worked.
My prayer worked! (LAUGHS) - (ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING) - I felt it, Vince! - I really felt it! - REPAIRMAN: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I wouldn't jump up and down till we stabilize the hydraulics.
(EXHALES) I felt it.
I really felt it.
I mean, it was a miracle.
I-I prayed, and, for the first time, Gene, I could really feel it.
Chip, baby, I am glad you're okay, of course.
But, um, just help me out here.
Because you prayed, God made a repairman materialize to save you? Well, I'm not saying that, exactly.
It's very easy to be cynical about these things.
But? I don't know.
It just is.
Well, Leslie is, uh, a little prayer-sensitive right now, guys, 'cause her mom is coming to town tomorrow, and she's super atheist.
She's not super atheist.
- She's regular atheist.
- Well, she super doesn't believe in the Bible.
That's regular atheist.
Well, whatever she is, she's not a fan of Chip.
I know, why don't you use your prayer powers to get her to like you? Why don't I just pray for her not to come? Okay, I'll try your thing.
All right, let me reframe this prayer discussion.
Leslie, we-we don't believe that prayer is magic.
We-we think of it as quality time with God, a way to open ourselves up and bring his grace into our lives to help us when we need it most.
That's what Chip asked for in the elevator, and that's what he received.
Boom! (CHUCKLES) So, God, was just gonna let them sit in that elevator until somebody prayed? To paraphrase Thomas Aquinas, to one with faith, no explanation is necessary, and to one without faith you know, enough already.
We get it.
Stop trying to push our buttons.
There are a lot of Bibles around here.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, Mom.
Chip's got a few.
He's got nine.
- I haven't counted.
- I have.
He's got nine.
So how long does Chip plan on doing this super religious thing? Oh, he's not super religious.
He's just living 100% by the Bible.
That's super religious.
Mom.
Listen, Chip and I are really happy, and this whole Bible thing is it's-it's really good for him, so please just cut him some slack.
- Okay.
I'll do my best.
- Okay.
(SIGHS) Holy crap.
Here's number ten! Thanks for lunch, Vince-y Vince.
You're welcome, Debbie-Deb.
You didn't have to come all the way up here with me.
Oh, but I wanted to see your worky-work.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) See you tonight.
I want out.
What? I thought you said she was the one that got away.
Now she's the one I want away.
I thought you said you were a changed man.
I changed back.
Never pray for me again.
Just let me die.
So, Chip, uh, you write your column as if you live by the rules of the Bible? Well, not "as if," Diana.
I-I do live by the rules of the Bible, strictly.
You didn't turn water into this wine, I assume.
(LAUGHS) (CHIP LAUGHS HARDER) Oh.
No.
Well, if you're asking, "Are you Jesus?" Then the answer is no.
Mom, you promised.
What? I'm genuinely interested.
How does one live by the Bible? Do you go around curing leprosy? Also Jesus, uh, and I believe it's already been cured.
Yes, by a scientist.
Oh.
Happy ending.
Chip, how was work? Uh, it was good, you know.
Not as miraculous as yesterday, but What happened yesterday? I was trapped in an elevator, and then I prayed Dinner's ready.
Let's eat.
I didn't hear the oven ding.
Oh, we have one of those silent ovens.
There it is again.
There's my Vince-y Vince.
Hey, Debbie.
Uh, I don't know if I can get away tonight.
It's just crazy here.
It is? So What you working on? Oh, uh, uh "Oh, God.
What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?" I'm transcribing.
Some murderer said that.
Aw.
You're so silly, Vince-y Vince.
Come on.
We're gonna miss our rezzy vay-vay.
Rezzy vay-vay? So, Debbie.
Remember yesterday when I called and said that I was a brand-new man and my whole life had changed? (CLEARS THROAT) Here's the thing.
Oh, my God.
Are you breaking up with me again? (ELEVATOR RATTLING) What's happening? Oh, my God! I got to get the hell out of here! Hey, you.
As an astrophysicist, I find it difficult to understand things that aren't based on evidence and direct observation.
Mm-hmm.
Just curious, how old do you think the Earth is? Oh, I'm still on board the whole 4½ billion year train.
But it doesn't look a day over four billion.
And, Chip, do you really believe that the Earth only took six days to create? I mean, they have been building a Walmart by my house for nine months.
Mmm.
Yeah.
You know, Diana, look, you can spend all night grilling me, mocking my life, or you can just accept the fact that I found faith in something bigger than myself, and it's making me a better person, and a better husband to your daughter, and someday real soon, a better father to your grandkid.
Faith is what people turn to when they've given up on science.
Hmm.
Hmm.
No, I still have faith in science, too.
Uh, tell me, though, Diana, w-what do people turn to when their mother-in-law is a real Chip! Can you help me get the casserole out of the hallway? Chip, I have worked very hard to convince my mom how great you are.
Doesn't the Bible tell you to honor my mother? No.
It tells me to honor "thy" mother.
"Thy" mother is my mother.
That mother is thou mother, and thou mother is a pain in thy ass.
Honey.
She is just baiting you.
It's what she does.
- Just calm down - (CRASHING NEARBY) Mom? Are you okay? DIANA: I think so.
What do you mean, "I think so"? Well (SIGHS) it's quite possible I'm having a heart attack.
What's going on in there? What are you not telling me? You don't think I can handle it? I'm a medical professional.
I am an adult.
Oh, my God.
What's happening to my mommy? (CHIP SIGHS) Baby, baby, come on.
Doctor said he'd get back to us as soon as he has news, okay? I mean, I'm sure everything is gonna be fine.
But how do you know that for sure, Chip? Ugh, I feel so powerless just standing here.
Hey, I know what I said before, but, um, what you did in that elevator Could you do that now, please? Are you serious? Okay.
Lord, we place our worries in your hands, and we ask that you let your mercy fall on Diana.
She's a good and decent person and has family that loves her and needs her.
Please, Lord, hear our prayer.
Amen.
(STRETCHER ROLLING) Amen.
What the hell are you two doing? Mom.
Uh, good news.
The MRI shows that the pain was caused by a peptic ulcer, not a heart attack.
- (EXHALES) - Your mom's gonna be fine.
Oh, Mom.
(KISSES) You were praying for me, weren't you? Yeah, kind of.
- Oh, and then I recovered.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm never gonna hear the end of this, am I? Nope.
You know I don't believe in that stuff.
(CHUCKLES) I know, I know.
But I also know how much you believe in it, so, thank you, dear.
Whatever you said, I suppose it didn't hurt.
Now, get me out of here before he starts building an ark.
I'm not Noah, either.
Aw.
(MOANS) Now, see? Didn't that feel good? Huh? Just opening your heart and mind, letting go for a minute, and, you know, giving yourself up to something bigger? Whatever it is? - It felt good.
- Yeah.
Okay, so Now you believe? Look, the idea that a few kind words can affect the physical world? I just, I-I-I can't go there, but it did make me feel better when I needed it most.
- That's as far as I'll go.
- That's okay.
I don't need you to go any further than that.
But, just so you know, prayer-wise, I'm two for two now.
Oh, no.
You're gonna be impossible to live with, aren't you? (CHUCKLES) Maybe, yeah, but I'll tell you what.
I'll pray for you.
If we die, I'll die happy, because you're by my side.
I'm sorry about earlier.
- You forgive me? - Oh, baby.
Of course I do.
(LAUGHS) - (ELEVATOR RATTLES) - GASPS) It's ironic.
Only when you're facing death do you realize what's important in life.
Now I know.
(SIGHS) (GASPS) We're gonna be okay.
We sure are, aren't we? (SIGHS) Oh.
But we missed our rezzy.
What do you feel like, Vince-y Vince? (CLEARS THROAT) Here's the thing