Mad About You s01e07 Episode Script

Oh, stop it! Just stop it! What? I can't stand it anymore.
Every night.
Stacking, arranging, aligning, adjusting, annoying.
Can't you let me live? They're all gonna wind up in your pocket, all jumbled in a big mess.
Hey, do I complain about the way you read a newspaper? - Yes.
- I mean, every morning snapping and folding and creasing like an origami festival.
And then you turn the pages and you lick your fingers.
Grab a little page and lick.
Hey! I don't know that that was actually called for.
I'm just tryin' to tidy up a little bit, you know? That's what I'm doin'.
I'm eliminating clutter from our lives so we might have more time together.
Oh, I see.
I didn't realize you were doing it for us.
Yeah, well, now you know.
Go ahead.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand as we jump Into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Murray, I feel I can tell you this because we've become very close.
You really stink.
You know what concerns me here, honey? Acid rain.
Because I'm pretty sure when I left the office I was wearing a hat.
- Oh, I'm so wet.
- Why didn't you take the subway? You know why I don't take the subway, and I don't want to discuss it.
What the hell am I smelling? Wet dog? I can't believe you're still avoiding that token guy.
The minute I say I don't want to talk about it, you start talking about it.
You don't really not want to talk about it.
I n fact, your saying, ''I don't want to talk about it'' is actually a desperate plea for me to draw out ofyou whatever it is you think you don't want to talk about.
Oh, good.
So good.
Now I'm wet and I got a headache.
What is your problem with this guy? I feel badly for him, okay? You know, we went to film school together, and now he's a token taker? That's just so-- I'm makin' movies, he's makin' change.
- So? - Can you imagine what his life is like? I mean, every day stuck in a cramped, airless cage.
And the noise and the fumes, the bodily fluids everywhere.
J ust because someone works in a subway doesn't mean they're miserable.
No, I'm sure he's the happiest man under the earth.
Anyway, it's not like you're winning any Oscars.
Well, I guess you won't be singled out in my acceptance speech.
I bet you'll thank me when I show you the surprise I brought you.
Well, it would have to be a really good surprise.
It's a great one.
I n fact, some people say it's the Greatest Show on Earth.
Get outta here! The circus? What, you would do that for me? VI P seats, including back tent passes.
Ooh, yeah! Oh, I love when you use your high-powered PR connections.
Actually, my connections fell through.
I had to sleep with all the Wallendas.
Oh, either way.
The point is, these babies are center ring, front row.
You know, that like doubles your chances of being picked for the little train.
We talked about this last time.
Ifyou're taller than the dwarfs, they probably won't pickyou.
Wait, why are there so many tickets in here? - Don't tell me you invited them.
Why? - I invited Fran, Mark and Ryan.
You would begrudge a five-year-old child a trip to the circus? Well, he's a five-year-old brat.
Besides, last time they picked him instead of me for the train.
Hey, Ryan, all set for the big fun night? - Mine! - Ryan, sweetie! - Ask before you grab.
- You guys are very late.
Ifwe miss the Clown Cavalcade, the whole evening is shot.
- Where is Mark? - Fran? Will you come in already! The dog is not here.
Mark, he's a pussycat.
Am I right? Huh? Am I right? Murray, you're being very impolite.
They can smell fear.
You smell fearful.
You do.
You smell like fear and a little egg salad.
Ryan, Ryan, no, no, no.
You don't play with the dog.
It's a vicious dog.
See, I can't understand that.
I've always been very civil to that dog.
My doggie! Well, it's my doggie, and, frankly, it's my light.
I got a better one.
Well, you might want to check this out, Ryan.
He's a child.
You can't let him win? Hey, hey! No, no, no! Ryan, you play nice.
I'm sorry.
Traffic was a mess.
- Can we go? I do not want to miss-- - I know.
The Geek Parade.
Clown Cavalcade.
Can we go, please? Don't worry.
We'll take a subway.
We'll be there in a jiffy.
- No, we're not taking a subway.
- Why not? Because it's bad luck to be underground and under the Big Top on the same day.
- Really? - Yes.
Gee, I never heard that.
Fran? Ryan, sweetie, do you need to make tinkle? He can go in the subway like everybody else.
Come on, Murray! We're going to the circus! No, no, no.
Ryan, doggies don't go to the circus.
- Daddy's right.
- You can play with Murray next time.
No! Now! Murray, forget what you're hearing, 'cause you're not going to the circus.
- Don't even listen to the kid.
- No, no, no! Don't thwart him.
He doesn't like being thwarted.
Was I thwarting? Right there I was thwarting.
Ryan, listen.
We can't take Murray because what if he meets a pretty poodle and then he runs away? You have beady eyes.
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Sweetie, remember how much you loved the circus last year? - When you got to kick the clown? - I want Murray! Hey, this is crazy.
I'll stay here with Ryan.
I don't need to see some poor goat with a horn stuck in his head.
Hey, what's the matter with you? It's a unicorn, and I've waited a year.
He's my child.
He's my burden.
I'll stay.
You all go and have fun.
No.
I'll stay.
I don't care ifyou all stay, 'cause I'm going.
- You're selfish.
- All right.
All right.
Okay.
That's it.
End ofdiscussion.
We're all going to the circus.
We're going to have a barrel offun.
- Right, Ryan? - No! No! No! Ryan, please.
J ust stop it, please.
- All right.
- Maybe we'll meet you there.
All right.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, stop acting like a child.
Do you want to miss the circus? - No.
So buy the tokens.
- The guy probably isn't here.
And even if he is, what's the big deal? Is it a huge thing I'm asking you to do? Love, honor and buy the tokens.
- There is something you're not saying.
- No, there's nothing.
- What is happening here? - Nothing.
I just-- I don't want this guy blaming me for his life.
What possible reason could he have for blaming you? Well, I don't know.
Maybe he's bitter.
Maybe he's jealous of me.
I don't know.
Well, maybe both our senior projects were due on the same day but I got to the editing room early so I got the good Movieola.
Then Howie showed up and he got mad and he never finished his film and he dropped out ofschool and he ended up here maybe.
So you're saying you've been guilty all these years because you were a more conscientious student? Yeah.
You're incredibly neurotic and incredibly sweet.
And incredibly late.
So please, go buy the tokens.
- Are you always gonna avoid the subway? - No, just this station.
Oh, God, that's him.
It's him.
That's the guy.
Would you look at him? Look at him in there.
Look at him in the booth there.
Do you realize a different toss ofthe dice, that could've been me.
J ust say hello.
He probably won't even rememberyou.
Thankyou.
Having two, please.
- Paul Buchman? - Huh? It's you.
Are you talking to me? I can't hearyou through the glass.
- We can't hearyou.
- PaulBuchman! Howie! Howie Balinger.
- Come on, man.
- Look, honey, it's Howie Balinger.
Howie Balinger.
That's so funny.
- Howie, my lovely wifeJamie.
- Hi, Howie.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Hi.
Paul always was lucky.
You know, Howie, we'd love to chat, but we're late for the circus.
- Why don't you come in for a second? - Oh, no, we can't.
I'd love to talk with you.
Come on.
Wow, this is nice.
I've never been inside one ofthese things before.
You know, it's deceptive.
It really is.
'Cause on the outside, it looks very cramped in here.
Then you come inside and it's roomy.
It really is.
Don't you think? It's very roomy.
You could throw a party in here.
Plus they give you the cushy chair, and you got a great view.
- Honey, look at all those tokens.
- How does that work with the tokens? With the tokens, do they bring them to you first thing in the morning? Or do you gotta go pick them up? Is there like a big token place? So, Buchman, I hear you're a hotshot filmmaker now.
- I wouldn't use the word ''hotshot.
'' - I would.
You know what I do? These low budget documentaries.
Boring.
I can hardly watch them myself.
Why do you put yourselfdown? You're a brilliant director.
- But I make no money.
- Hardly any.
- It's unbelievable.
- I support him.
Well, Howie, it's good to see you.
It really is.
It's been-- It's just great to see you.
And you know what? I'll just get a couple oftokens, and we'll be on our way.
- Oh, you'll just be on your way? - The circus only comes once a year.
Hey, would you like tojoin us? We have extra tickets.
- I don't need your charity.
- They were free.
Oh, sure.
The auteur gets all the perks, right? - They're not my perks.
They're hers.
- I don't even like the circus.
Hey, take a cab, okay? I'm with friends! So, Paul, I'll bet you'd forgotten all about me, hadn't you? - Oh, on the contrary.
- He talks about you all the time.
You know, I hadn't forgotten about you.
I keep living that morning over and over until it's burned in my brain.
Me getting to the editing room late, you already at the good Movieola, laughing.
- No, I wasn't laughing.
- And gloating, just like now.
- Are you gloating? - No, never! There's been no gloating.
You know, it's your fault that I'm here! You followed me down to this stinking hellhole to rub it in my face! - To buy a token.
- Oh, yes, sir.
You'd like a token.
How many would you like, sir? One? No, two? Huh? How about one ofour handy ten-pack? Huh? How many? - Four.
- Four? Why don't you just take them all! Boy, this was a good idea, honey.
Thankyou.
Oh, come on.
Let's catch the train.
We can't leave the booth unmanned, or Howie will lose his job.
So what? So then the only part of his lousy life I haven't ruined, I'll have ruined.
It's not your problem.
He's obviously psychotic.
Yes, but he's a psychotic with a job.
Ifwe don't cover for him, then he'll be an unemployed psychotic.
- What if he doesn't come back? - He'll come back.
He's gotta come back.
I just hope we make it to the circus in time for Flexo the Fabulous.
Did you know he can lick his own back? Why can't you just follow football like other guys? Six.
Six.
Six! That would be six tokens.
No, six Whoppers.
Sir, the last thing the New York City Transit System needs is your sarcasm.
I can't believe it takes two morons to do this stupid job.
We're apprentices.
Hey! Hey! Did you see that? Those guys justjumped the turnstile.
Go get 'em.
- They'rejust kids.
- Yeah, and they broke the law.
- So you go get 'em.
- They'rejust kids.
Seven tokens.
How do I get to Hunters Point? Hunters Point? Honey, you want to field that for the nice lady? I'll get her tokens.
I've never even heard of Hunters Point.
You can't read a map? Okay, seven.
So seven times one twenty-five.
They should give you a calculator or something in here.
Seven times one twenty-five is a dollar-- Carry the two-- Would you rather have a little ten-pack? Eight seventy-five.
- Eight-- - I gave you a twenty.
- Yes.
- That means I get $1 1 .
25 back.
Yes, you do.
And I was getting that.
Hunters Point? You know what you do? Hunters Point.
You take this train one stop uptown get offand you ask the token taker there.
- You people are pathetic.
- No, wait.
Hey, I think I got it.
Take the number two train uptown to Jackson Avenue and transfer to the six.
I could've walked there by now.
Grace under pressure.
You did good, sweetie.
I did great.
I sent her to the South Bronx.
She'll be dead in two hours.
Hey, what's taking so long up there? Come on, man! Get the lead out! How hard can thatjob be? You know, I used to think that myself.
But have you heard the expression ''Not until you've walked a mile in another man's shoes''? All right, keep your pants on.
Do you guys know ''Color My World''? Hello.
We have customers here.
- I'm asking them ifthey know our song.
- What? We have a song? - Hello.
Were you at the wedding? - Hello.
Can you break a 20, please? Where's that freakin' train? Why does everybody keep asking that? I don't know.
She doesn't know.
Wejust work here.
Actually, we don't.
It's really more like a hobby with us.
Honey, I hate to botheryou.
Could you just grab that? - Howie's stop.
This isJamie.
- Don't say that.
You'll get Howie in trouble.
Hi.
This is Howie.
What's the problem? It's Raoul.
- Who's Raoul? - The supervisor.
- There's a 20-minute delay.
Track fire.
- There's a fire? Oh, that's good, honey.
The way you yelled ''fire'' in a crowded subway.
Hey, just because you missed the circus, don't take it out on me.
Hey-- Yeah, all right, okay.
You know what? This could get very ugly here.
Give me the mike.
How come you always get to make the announcements? I'm sorry?Ialways-- You'resaying Ialways make the announcements? - Youknow what Imean.
- No, Ireally don't.
We 're marriedsixmonths, andyou'resaying that, what as a rule, I tendto hog thepublicaddress system? - I'mjustsaying-- - Igota little dealforyou.
Next time we 'restuck in a token booth andthere 's an angrymob outside you'llmake the announcements.
Why don'tyousaysomething before theystorm the booth? I'm trying.
Ladies andgentlemen, please don'tpanic.
There 's aslight delay.
There 's a little fire in the Bronx.
It's in the Bronx.
The train is alreadyon its way.
It willbe here in five minutes.
Thankyou.
Didn't Raoul say 20? Why are you lying to these people? - Don't tell me how to do myjob.
- I just thinkyou should be honest.
Well, why don't you bearyour soul? Go ahead.
Excuse me, folks.
We have an update.
We 're lookingata 20-minute delay.
Have a nice day.
Please! Come on! Boy, you know, honey, you really got a knack for this job.
Pardon me.
We've never been to New York City before.
May we please have directions to the Statue of Liberty? Take the numberone train straight to hell.
See? Who have I become, honey? Hey! Where the hellhaveyoubeen? We've been covering foryouallnight.
Hey, don't do me any favors just 'cause you feel guilty.
Fine.
Okay.
Fine.
You know, Howie, I ruined your life.
You made me miss the circus.
- So, now we're even.
- You don't get offthat easy, Buchman! You know, Howie, I have been worried about you for 1 5 years, but that's over.
And ifyour life is miserable, it's your own fault! - You tell him.
- I'm not gonna feel guilty anymore.
I've worked really hard to get where I am.
And ifyou had woken up six minutes earlier-- just six minutes-- then you could've had the good Movieola! You could've had the great career.
You could've had the gorgeous wife.
All of it.
But no.
Face it, Howie.
- You overslept! - Yeah, wake up, Howie.
Nobody's ever talked to me like this before.
Well, maybe it's about time somebody did.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I'm sorry to have been so harsh, Howie.
We had a track fire, and we've been under a lot of pressure here.
No, no.
You're absolutely right.
It's just my opinion.
Boy, I see things so clearly now.
- Oh.
- Thankyou, Paul.
I know exactly what I have to do now.
Well, good.
Then I'm happy, Howie because, you know, once you start taking responsibility foryour life things will really turn around.
- You just gotta take that first step.
- Honey.
Howie! Howie! - Give me a token.
-J ump over the thing! Call Raoul! Howie! Please forgive me.
It was not your fault.
It was my fault.
It was all my fault.
Well, Howie has to be somewhere.
Did you check all the tunnels? And the BMT too? No, I'm not trying to be a noodge, Raoul.
Raoul, I happen to be concerned, yes.
Well, all right.
Still no sign of Howie.
I should've followed him into that tunnel.
But I couldn't.
I was afraid of running into that Beauty and the Beast guy.
Well, guess what? Howie is doing just fine.
Read this.
''Four days ago he was just a token clerk.
But now, film school dropout Howard Balinger has turned his near tragedy to triumph.
After a frenzied Hollywood bidding war Balinger has sold the rights of his underground odyssey--'' - I do not believe this.
- It gets better.
''Which he will develop into a major motion picture, TunnelofHate.
'' When Howie wakes up, he really wakes up.
Good for him, huh? Good for him? What about me? They don't mention me in the whole article.
You're a psychopath.
Hey, I'm the inspiration for TunnelofHate.
Honey, don't you see? Your debt is cancelled.
Fine.
But he never would'vejumped off the platform if it weren't for me.
I don't believe you.
I really don't.
You should be happy for Howie.
I should.
No, I am.
I am.
I'm happy for Howie.
Hey, what is this? - I didn't want you to see that part.
- Raoul gets producer credit? - No.
- Over my dead body!